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It was cold… So cold…
A shiver went down his spine due to the freezing wind hitting his bare skin. He was almost naked, standing in a field at night. He could spot a sea in the distance, but there was no sound of waves. Even though it was quiet, Thorfinn felt uneasy. He couldn’t explain why, but there was this creeping feeling of being watched, even though no one was around.
Suddenly, he felt a grip on his throat trying to suffocate him and he was dragged underground by a massive force of cold, definitely corpse hands.
He saw his family house, but it wasn’t as warm and welcoming as he remembered… Blood stained the walls. The overwhelming odor only reminded him that it couldn’t be anything else. In the corner of the room, a woman was looking at him in fear.
It was his sister, holding the body of their mother in her hands.
But was it Ylva? He couldn’t even remember her face correctly… It was all blurry. Same with their mother. When he looked closely, Helga’s face wasn’t there to begin with. It was all bruised and cut.
That’s when the doors behind him opened and his father entered the room. This face he couldn’t forget. The same face he saw when Thors died. Now it was screaming.
-You killed her! What will you do next? Our village was supposed to be a safe space but you slaughtered all of us Thorfinn! - His father yelled. That’s when Thorfinn realized he was holding his knives. He immediately dropped them on the floor and tried to find a way to escape. It wasn’t easy as the walls started to crumble and he felt his legs shiver. He fell, tears filling his eyes. He was so confused and scared. Everything went black and he woke up with his cheeks wet, his throat sore and Einar looking at him concerned
— — —
-Are you okay Thorfinn? - Einar asked while checking if everything was okay with his body.
-You never screamed like that before and you are crying, did you have another nightmare? - But he was met with no response. All he got was a terrified Norse man looking at the wall like a lost child trying to figure out why they had to endure the war. The pain behind Thorfinn’s eyes was horrifying and overwhelming, it felt like it already corrupted the young mind and wanted to take over with full force.
He was still quiet, stiff as a board, unable to process anything right now. Even Einar’s voice didn’t reach him. He just felt empty. He wanted to feel like a scum, a rotten animal that he was, but he just couldn’t. There was nothing inside, just a shell of a human being and this deeply hidden guilt trying to find its way up again like it always did, but tonight he just couldn’t process it.
— — —
Finally, sunrays reached the barn they were sleeping in. Englishman spent the rest of the night watching over his tired friend, to make sure that he at least stays safe when he’s in that state. It was like magic, as quickly as Thorfinn felt the sun on him, he yawned, looked at Einar with his empty eyes, and gave him a wave.
-Hi, you are up early. Something happened? - He asked like he didn't just spend half of his night looking at a wall
-You’re joking, right? I should be the one to ask! You screamed your lungs out and cried. When I tried talking to you, you just kept staring in the distance and giving me the most heart-shattering look I’ve ever seen you give. I am worried about you, what were you dreaming about to shake you up so much? - Only after hearing what happened Thorfinn remembered his dream and he felt a sudden, sharp pain in his head. Today was going to be even worse than usual…
--- --- ---
After a silent breakfast, they went to work on a field like they always did. Thorfinn wasn't talking too much, just nodding his head mostly or murmuring something. It was weird, even for him and Einar knew that. He tried multiple times to learn what the dream was about, but pestering was only making his companion withdraw further from the conversation. It was pointless to just nag him with questions, so he decided to retreat until he could find a way of helping instead of burdening him even more.
Thorfinn at the time tried to focus on his work. They had many trees to cut down and even more ground to cultivate today, so he was glad there was something to get his mind off the terrible night he had. Ignoring Einar's genuine concern was troubling his poor mind, but he just couldn't find the courage to tell him what happened.
He was ashamed of himself. His chest tightened thinking of all those people he hurt. If a dream made him feel like that, how must have felt the families that had to go through it all in real life? How could he ever be forgiven for his sins? Being a slave was too merciful for his spoiled soul.
Maybe if he admitted all of his sins to Einar, then he would get properly punished? He might as well be responsible for his family's death. In all those years he killed so many people their faces just became a pile of mush in his head. When he was younger, they were just an obstacle to get rid of on his way to revenge, but now? He wanted to remember them. He wanted to make them feel seen. He wanted to be forgiven, but he couldn't.
Einar was his only friend and he didn't want to lose him, but it was selfish. After all he had done, he had no right to be selfish.
Thorfinn decided it was everyone's right to choose their own judgment.
--- --- ---
-I need to tell you something about me. Something that will change how you view me forever and I need you to promise me you won't treat me any better than you would someone not close to you - Thorfinn started. They were sitting on a log and resting. It was maybe an hour past noon and the sun was already burning. It was summer and even the trees didn't help with the heat and warm sweat from working so hard.
-I am there for you. Whatever it is, you can share it with me - Einar sat slightly closer, to show his friend some support. He wasn’t blind and it was obvious that what Thorfinn needed now was some comfort, and he wanted to be there for him. They’ve been through a lot together, maybe not everything, but hard labor of their slave life definitely brought them closer.
It was hard for him to look at Thorfinn without that brotherly fondness, but if that’s what he wanted, then that’s what he would get.
Thorfinn took a deep breath, there was no turning back now.
He told Einar his whole story. Everything about his upbringing, his father and how he got on the ship that changed his whole life. That just made the taller of the two sad, no one deserved to go through something like this, and from personal experience he knew how that could change a person to the core.
He wanted to tell him more, all about his past with Askeladd and all the vikings, but his chest tightened at the thought of every single person he killed. Guilt closed his throat up, making him unable to continue, so he promised to finish the story tonight, when they have more free time. Einar agreed and throughout the rest of their working day, he tries cheering Thorfinn up.
— — —
There wasn't too much to do while chopping up trees, but you could find some ways to make it more enjoyable, for example a contest.
You had to get creative not to get bored too quickly, so Einar suggested that for every tree that they chop under 15 uses of their axes, they get to go into the water and cool down.
Maybe it wasn't the most interesting thing to do, but it definitely gave them something to motivate themselves and also was just a fun way to reward their hard work.
While at it, of course Einar used his opportunity to splash his buddy with water a few times. Maybe it was childish of him to do it, but it brought Thorfinn genuine joy to be able to just play a little. It relieved him and gave him the comfort he needed.
This day was surprisingly calm, no one bothered them and that also helped, but there was still this hard rock sitting in his chest like an anchor, holding his fear and guilt at the bay.
— — —
Finally, the night came and they were back to the barn. Einar sat next to Thorfinn on the hay, ready to hear the rest of the story.
He had to finish it now…
And he did.
All the pain he caused. All the hatred he had within him. Every little sorrow he went through and every bad reaction he had because of it. He admitted to everything, wanting to get yelled at because of it.
He expected to get hit and insulted, maybe even killed, but that he wished wouldn't happen, as he didn't want Einar to become like him.
He just wanted to hear that it's his fault and there is no saving him.
He doesn't deserve saving or forgiveness.
Instead he got a tight hug, after a while of Einar's blank staring. When he was done, he helf Thorfinn’s shoulders and looked deep into his eyes
-I know I was supposed to treat you like I would treat someone I don't know, but I spent so much time with you on this old farm and I got to know the side of you so different from what you're describing that it's hard for me to even believe you. You've changed, you know that? You cannot bring anyone back and you cannot change the past, but you can make up for everything that you've done and I see that you are already doing that. I am not the best with my words but I just want to say that you are worth saving - At first, hearing what his friend had to say, everything made Einar terrified, angry even, but he came to a few conclusions, after Thorfinn opened up and described how he felt while everything happened. It didn't justify anything, but it gave him some closure and made it easier to understand.
Thorfinn was lost, spent his entire childhood with bloodthirsty beasts and had to survive on his own for 11 years. Everything was taken away from him, and to that Einar could relate. Slavery also bonded them together.
With a past like this, he probably would end up in the same twisted way, but Thorfinn still had that lonely child buried deep within him that still wanted to experience family love and happiness.
Einar felt like their relationship changed now. They weren't friends anymore, they were brothers. Through thick and thin for each other, whatever happens, he will protect Thorfinn from harm and help him accomplish his redeeming journey, whatever he decides it will be.
-I will help you find a way to make up for it all, so you can rest assured - He gave him a warm smile and Thorfinn felt like a big weight just fell out his chest.
He wasn't free yet, but he was forgiven. Something he never imagined would happen, and it felt… warm, cozy, reassuring. A few tears dropped down his face as he smiled back slightly.
It was still hard to cope with everything, but at least he had one person he could rely on. Someone who understood him and someone who wouldn't leave him even after learning what a horrible person he is…
Or was.
Definitely was.
He wanted to change and now his will to not touch a weapon ever again was even stronger than before.
— — —
Tonight's dream was good.
He was a kid again and his father played with him. His mother and sister were there. Everyone around him seemed happy, and so was he. Everything could be back to normal.
This night was peaceful, and everyone could feel that.