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Hatta's perceptiveness is as astounding as it is terrifying.
Sometimes Karno wonders when Hatta looks at him with those inquisitive eyes while he was talking, was just that, inquisitive. But most times, he's almost always certain that Hatta was scrutinizing him, tearing him apart at the seams with only an intense gaze, baring him open, exposing him whole. And it made Karno uneasy, vulnerable, and he hates being vulnerable.
Karno has many virtues, but it was almost too obvious that his flaws outweighs every single one of them. He views himself as the beacon of light to the people, one they could all look up to and follow whose steps after. Karno was born a model. And so when somebody sees beyond that facade of authority and confidence, it is always guaranteed that Karno's blood will boil.
Karno is many things. He's an entrepreneur of freedom, of strength, he's an acolyte of the indomitable indigenous spirit. He is not weak, he can't be. Not when the whole baby of a nation looks up to him, not when their fate is in his hands.
Karno is many things, but one ; Certain.
He might as well spew encouraging speeches, fiery exclamations, awaken the spirits of millions who's more than willing to march themselves into their graves. And that's that, he's good with words, he delivers them to the people in a way that tugged their very heartstring. But sometimes even he wonders if he's certain of his own words and actions.
He's good with words, very good with it, but not in a way that Hatta also is good with words. There's a certain distinction between the two's intellect.
Karno and Hatta are two stubborn men with a determination and willpower unlike any other. One might think what a perfect pair they are.
But they were never alike, they were two ends of a spectrum, in which one balances the other, by nudging the plank, in hopes that it would keep the other awake, alive. And with it, comes the risk of toppling the other beyond the edge, to their ultimate demise. But it was a necessary nudge, and neither of them had ever tripped in forever, even when the danger lingers heavily in the air, inhaled into their lungs with every breath they took.
Hatta is full certainty. Which Karno himself lacks.
And Hatta knows this.
Because every time he looks into the revolutionist's eyes, he saw a shadow behind those fire of determination. And his name, was fear.
It was not difficult for Hatta to decipher what Karno could possibly fear.
It's too obvious, in the way Karno's jaw clenches when he sits on his armchair, gaze dropped to the floor. In the way Karno took a long drag from his cigarette, exhaling the smoke in an exasperated sigh. In the way Karno would look at a report for a second too long, mind already calculating what collateral damage will rise this time, and Hatta knows, that he fears it is his people.
Karno isn't a pragmatic like Hatta was. Such knowledge were never easy for him. Karno was too much of a romantic to be burdened with that reality.
He greeted his people as he stepped down from a train car, waving confidently, with a warm smile etched on his face. It sends a pang through Hatta's chest when he realizes the detachment that was actually lying behind that smile, the knowledge that Karno sees them merely as means to an end. Not that he had any other choice.
It was not cold, no, but it was as unwavering as it is regretful.
Karno never wanted this. Not when it's him, not when it's his people, not when it's Hatta.
He of course has wished countless times that there could be another way, anything, anything but this.
Alas, those were merely wishful thinking, and the cold bucket of reality splashed down on him again.
Hatta's brows furrowed, and he can visibly saw the moment Karno saw that, because he quickly averted his gaze, avoiding Hatta's.
So he knew that Hatta knew. But Hatta hadn't said a word yet. And Karno knew that he won't. Or, at least, Karno hoped that he won't. Because if he did, then what was it all for?
Playing pretend for the last many years, acting as if nothing bothered him, to reassure Hatta that everything was under control. Oh, those were not easy, alright. It requires sweat and blood and your sweet sanity to achieve that.
Karno couldn't bear the thought of admitting that he has gone insane, not now, not when he knew that there was no way of saving him, not even when it's Hatta's hands that reached out for him. Not when it's futile. No.
And yet...
"Bung.."
Oh be damned those soft words uttered in that soothing voice, like a gentle caress to Karno's weary soul.
So Karno looked up, and Hatta could see the weariness on his face, how his shoulders sagged in defeat. He tapped his digits on the armrest as he continued to examine the man before him. And Hatta could tell, that the man was seething.
"Stop that, Bung." Karno said curtly, now looking away, as if the peeled paint on the wall was the most interesting thing in the world.
"Stop what?" Hatta asked softly, which he immediately regretted because Karno replied him suddenly with a harsh, raised, disdainful tone.
"That!! T-there! The way you- you talk to me!- the way you-" Karno gestured frantically with his hands, frustrated, angry, "the way you look at me! Like im some goddamn- Child!! Like i'm a pathetic little dog in need of affection, like i'm- like i'm-" Karno was breathing heavily now, stammering as he tried to find the word he's looking for. But no word came up, and Karno sank back into his chair, panting as he continued to glare at Hatta.
"Like i'm weak." He muttered finally, and Hatta's feature softened.
"You are." Hatta said simply, and before Karno could lash out again, Hatta cut him off quickly.
"Because everyone are. Humans are, Karno."
Karno's breathing now has finally evened out, and he leaned back on his chair. And Karno couldn't tell if Hatta was just saying that out of fact, or out of compassion. Because he'll be damned if it was the latter. So Karno settles on the former instead, yes, it only made sense, like the way the words the man said would make sense to himself. Hatta was an academician after all, everything should make sense to him. And even if it doesn't, then Hatta will just have to wring the sense out by himself.
"But that doesn't mean you're not strong." Hatta continued, his voice measured and calm.
"What does it even matter to you?" Karno interjected, all the more defeated than he already was.
And Hatta's brows furrowed again. Curse that look on his bespectacled face, Karno had seen enough of it that he's now practically numb to the sensations it brings.
"What do you mean what does it matter to me?" Hatta echoed his question with another question of his own, and Karno let out a long suffering sigh.
"Don't do this to me right now, Bung. I'm tired-"
"And you never thought for a second that I may be too?" Hatta is the one that interjected this time, gazing at Karno with intense, curious, yet accusing eyes.
And that took Karno by surprise. Karno's lips formed a thin line as the realization and guilt and regret all came rushing in, hitting him in the face with the force of a speeding 16 wheeler container truck.
He had drowned himself in the sea of his own fear and uncertainty that he completely lost sight of the only lighthouse that persisted by his side, despite it's dying lights. Karno cursed under his breath, burying his face on the palms of his hands. It was too much to bear. And It dawned on Karno then.
Hatta had took care of him, even when he didn't ask to. Even when he tried countless times to prevent him from doing so. But of course, Hatta was too much of a stubborn bastard to listen to him, so he persisted. Even when his own soul is deteriorating away.
All because of Sukarno.
All because he cared for that damned man.
Karno just wanted one thing right now, and that is to disappear into the ground, to forget about the burden of his responsibilities and duties, to forget about the eager expectations of millions of souls, to forget about the lingering knowledge that it is his own hands that had damned those souls, all for the sake of a greater good.
Karno wants to be selfish too, but he knew already, that he has been selfish way too many times. No, he can't give up now. Not when Hatta was already walking towards him, looking down from behind his lenses with an unreadable expression.
This man who has given him his energy, his time... His life, just for Karno.
No, for Indonesia, of course, Karno corrected himself, not for himself. No. For Indonesia... Right?
Yes.. Right.
"Rest." Hatta said simply. It was firm, but not cold.
Karno could sense that tiniest of hurt in his voice, and it pained him to know that he is the one who caused that. And yet as Hatta walked away, Karno made no effort to even look up, to run after him, to grab his wrist and say that he's sorry. To say thank you, to embrace the smaller man, and let him know just how fucking grateful he was to have Hatta by his side.
No, he didn't, because he's a goddamn coward.
Because he's weak.