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Tim needed money. Shudder . That’s a crazy statement for brain Tim to make.
But it’s true. How unfortunate.
Well, time to start his life of crime.
–
Let’s backtrack a little. Tim figured out Batman and Robin’s identities about 4 days ago. Today, he went out to follow and take pictures of them (definitely not stalking at all).
But now, Tim, being the failure that he is, can’t figure out how to get back inside his house. He left it locked (like any sane Gothamite - if Gothamites can even be called sane but that’s another debate) but he forgot he doesn’t have a key.
His parent’s are in some random country Tim didn’t care about and Mrs. Mac wouldn’t be coming back for a while due to some family thing Tim had ignored with his whole heart.
Dang it. Tim lost some important information by ignoring her. It was worth it though. That was a long boring monologue; “-aving a grandkid” , “be back on th-” , “-be here fine without me-”, “food is in the fridge-”, “-if you get locked ou-”. Irrelevant information, surely.
But now, Tim was stuck outside the manor. With no way in.
If he tried to break a window (do you really think he could break a window with noodle arms like his?), the manor’s security would send for the police and alert his parents. Both bad.
See, if the police come, they’ll see that Tim’s alone, then they’ll ask questions, then they’ll get suspicious and Tim will be moved to somewhere with way more adult supervision and way less money. Not ideal. He’d rather just be temporarily homeless until Mrs. Mac shows back up.
–
Back to the matter at hand. Theft.
Tim refused to be some low life pickpocket. He would not rob basic everyday people. That’s boring and Tim, above all else, absolutely could not be boring. Shudders again . That’d be the real crime.
No, Tim needed a good victim. He has to make his time as a thief incredible and memorable and absolutely something he shouldn’t be able to do.
And who is incredible and memorable in Gotham? Batman.
And who has (supposedly) impossible information on Batman? Tim.
Perfect. Tim would just rob Batman. Maybe, if he was lucky, he could get some pictures out of this.
Now, how should Tim do this…
–
The plan was simple.
Okay, it’s actually kinda complex but Tim really wanted to add that thought.
First, go to the Batmobile and wait for Batman to leave. Second, hack into the Batmobile’s security to not go off when Tim gets into it. Third, wait until Batman returns (take so many pictures). Fourth, get brought to the Batcave and wait for Batman to leave. Fifth, explore the Batcave (more pictures) and take anything that looks irrelevant/unused and expensive. Sixth, fix the security cameras (maybe that should be before step five…nah it’s fine). Seventh… actually Tim hasn’t gotten that far. Oh, well.
Tim already completed step one so that leaves him on step two. Tim popped his neck and knuckles and got to work.
The Batmobile is an absolute masterpiece . Tim cannot believe he successfully out security-ed Batman; you'd think he’d be better at this than a nine year old. Whatever, that just means more pictures for Tim!
–
Tim got so many pictures that he’s sure not even a rogue hair escaped his camera’s sight.
Hopefully Batman and Robin will come back soon. Tim does not want to get bored. He can’t. It’s one of Tim’s rules for himself.
For legal purposes, Tim can’t disclose his entire rule list to anyone but some of the rules include: Never being bored, never running out of money (he’s dangerously close to failing this), never having less than 3 drinks with caffeine per day (he’s at a healthy 5 right now), never attending school perfectly (once a week is enough for sure), solving no less than 4 crimes per week, never running out of goldfish or skittles (practically his lifeblood), always be better than beethoven at piano, and never letting anyone realize he isn’t the most perfect rule-following child to ever exist.
Those are his simplest and most boring rules.
Anyways, Batmobile. He’s currently hiding in the trunk. Hopefully Batman doesn’t check his trunk.
He heard the car door open annnnnd… SUCCESS!
Batman started driving.
Robin wasn’t here tonight because he sprained his ankle on patrol yesterday. Tim would know, he has pictures of it. Pictures that cost him his home (temporarily). Irrelevant.
Anyways, Tim was now in the Batcave. This is so insane. Tim . is. In. the. Batcave. Unsupervised.
AHHAHHAHAAHHAH- ahem. The plan is currently going smoothly.
–
Batman and Robin took forever to leave the cave. Batman was filling out something on the Batcomputer (do they just put “bat” before everything and call it a good name?) and Robin was bouncing around the cave while yapping to Batman (who was vaguely interested but also busy and mildly zoned out - Tim is just very good at reading people, he definitely has not cyberstalked Batman and cross referenced for hours just to be able to read Batman’s body language).
But finally!!! They’re gone!! Don’t worry, Tim got lots of pictures before they left.
Tim crashe- ahem, gracefully crawled out of the Batmobile’s trunk.
Woah. The cave is awesome . It’s huge and- and it's genuinely a cave.
But Wayne Manor doesn’t have a registered cave under it (don’t ask how Tim knows; he isn’t a stalker, he isn’t). Did Bruce bribe someone to not add the cave to the system? Hm. Something to research (hack into) later.
Tim wasn’t sure what to do now. Really, he just wanted to see the cave.
What’s he supposed to steal?
Something worth money but won’t be noticed? Yeah, right. Batman may be stupid but he isn't stupid and blind. He’d probably notice if something big was missing but anything small is either not worth money or worth lots and lots of money but would be highly dangerous in the wrong hands.
Curse Tim for having a conscience.
Something as useless as guilt was not about to stop Tim from achieving success.
If Tim wasn’t going to be able to find something good to steal for money then he’d steal something for personal gain. For the enrichment, of course.
Then Tim got an idea. An awful idea. The Tim got a wonderful, awful idea. (Everyone collectively say thank you to ‘How the Grinch stole Christmas’ for the Tim-ified quote)
Tim could just steal the Batmobile .
It’s perfect! He can sleep in it to have a roof over his head. Bam! Justification. Eat that, guilty conscience.
Plus, the added bonus of being able to just drive anywhere. Who’s gonna try to stop -who they think is- Batman? This also means Tim doesn't have to follow traffic laws!! (He wasn’t gonna follow those anyways)
Tim needed to get to the Batcomputer and make sure the security cameras would be useless to stop Tim’s enriching endeavor.
Clack clack clack. Thud. Clack clack- wait. Keyboards don’t “Thud.”
“So, who are you?”
DICK GRAYSON???
Tim’s night just got so much better. And worse.
Tim seriously could not believe his luck. He also couldn’t figure out if it was really good or really really bad.
Okay Tim, say something cool. Just say something cool.
“Alvin.”
“Just Alvin? No last name?” Dick prompted while pressing buttons on his weird looking watch. Seriously, not to be rude but that thing was ugly . Why would anyone even need that many buttons?
“...And the chipmunks?” Dammit. C’mon Tim, pull yourself together! There’s no freakin’ way Tim just introduced himself as ‘Alvin and the chipmunks’. Just kill him now.
“Your name is… Alvin and the chipmunks???” Robin sounded so confused. Poor guy, he’s never met Tim before and it shows.
Speaking of shows, what on superman’s green earth possessed Tim to say Alvin and the chipmunks. Like, sure, they have some lowkey banger song covers but Tim hasn’t watched it in roughly 2 years!
Tim’s train of thought was rudely interrupted by Batman walking down the stairs. Wait, shoot gosh dang it and a whole lot of other words Tim isn’t allowed to say. Batman is here.
Robin has a cast on so Tim could probably outrun him. Maybe. But Batman? No way.
Well, when in doubt say random words of confusion.
“Huh, that's an odd place for a piano.”
No. Way. He fell for it. Batman just turned around to look for the piano.
This was Tim’s chance. He started running like he’d never run before. He started running away from Batman like Batman runs away from therapy. He ran until he got to the Batmobile and then he hopped inside. Literally. He couldn’t reach it any other way, curse his tiny legs.
Now in the driver's seat, Tim was about to take off and- uh oh. He can’t reach the pedals. MANY CURSES UPON TIM’S ITTY BITTY SHORT LEGS.
Knock, knock, knock . A very confused looking Batman just knocked on the window. This whole situation is so bizarre and, well, Tim just starts cackling. Uh oh, now Batman looks alarmed. Whoopsies.
Slowly, treating it almost as if Tim’s a stray cat, Batman opens the car door and picks Tim up.
OMGOMGOMGOMG- BATMAN IS HOLDING TIM???
Is this a hug? Is he being hugged by Batman? No, he’s just getting held. Is that the same thing as a hug? Probably not. Wait, where is Batman taking him?
Batman sat him down on some kind of medical bed thingy. And Batman's grabbing.. What is that? OW. It’s a light. Batman is shining a flashlight into his eyes. Is this what they do to criminals?? Tim hasn’t even gotten to explain himself. What ever happened to innocent until proven guilty?
Oh wait, Batman and Robin have been talking. What have they been saying? What has Tim missed? Oh crap. They’re asking him questions.
“Hey buddy, can you hear me?” Robin is talking to him! Ohmygosh.
Tim doesn’t really feel like he can articulate words so he instead just gives an affirming, “Mhm.”
“Awesome! Can-” Robin’s words got cut off by a lollipop sliding into Tim’s view. Batman… Batman’s handing Tim a lollipop.
Tim’s eyes were wide and Batman’s eyes were wide and honestly Robin didn’t know what was happening but it seemed like the two were having a Moment™. After a moment, Tim’s tiny hand reached out slowly and he took the lollipop from B. Then instead of immediately eating the candy, Tim grabbed Bruce’s arm and motioned for him to sit next to him. He did. Now Dick felt left out so he just plopped down in front of the bed criss-cross applesauce on the floor.
And that’s how Alfred found them about 10 minutes later. A small black haired kid with the biggest blue eyes Alfred’s ever seen sitting on the bed kicking his feet back and forth eating a lollipop (while slowly inching towards Bruce), Bruce also eating a lollipop and gently swinging his feet, and Dick criss-cross on the floor folding origami throwing stars out of band aids.
Alfred can’t ever bring himself to be surprised that his boy has adopted another sad wet-cat looking child. If only he would’ve had a prior warning so he could’ve brought some snacks (Tim is small and Alfred’s grandmother instincts are kicking in. Must feed small child.).
“Ah, Master Bruce, what is our new addition doing in the cave?”
Three sets of eyes turned to Alfred. They all just started wide-eyed at him.
“I see.” Alfred sat down next to Dick and gave everyone a cookie.
The tiny child said a quiet, “Thank you, Alfred.”
Both Bruce and Dick snapped their heads towards him again. Did they not know the boy could talk? Do they not know their neighbor? Do they not know that this is the boy that helps Alfred carry his groceries inside (he usually causes more trouble than help but Alfred wouldn’t have it any other way)?
Well, they clearly know him now. Alfred can see it in Bruce’s eyes. He has that surprise adoption expression on his face. After they sit here on the floor for a minute Alfred’s going to go get the adoption papers ready. Yeah, this kid already has parents but Tim’s told Alfred that they’re almost never home and, well, if his parents aren’t going to care for him properly then Alfred will.
“You know Alfred?” Dick chirped.
Tim looked like a kid who just got caught with his hand in a cookie jar, “...yes?”
“Hn.”
“Please use your words, Master Bruce.”
“Hnn.”
Alfred sighed and slowly stood up. “I’ll just go get the papers ready then?” After an affirmative hum from Bruce, Alfred left to go back up to the manor. He did indeed have some legalities to work out.
—