Chapter Text
Humans, Crowley had learned, were difficult to befriend. Any fellow immortal might have guessed that because humans lived such short lives, the difficulty lay in limited time. But the truth was far more complicated than that.
Before The Beginning, when God first announced her plans to create humanity, she had been so excited, so enthusiastic, that it caused Lucifer to feel jealous. Angels were filled to the brim with divinity, and these fleshy beings she’d become enamored with would only have a spark of it. What right did God have to call humans her children, when the angels had been her children first, and were naturally closer to her due to their own nature?
Lucifer was not the only angel to take issue with it, but he was the loudest.
In The Beginning, Satan wanted Adam and Eve disgraced the same way he had been, by believing that they knew better than God. And so he ordered Crowley up to the surface to cause some trouble.
Crowley, on the other hand, didn’t want to see these creatures fall for the same trap that he had: Conditional love presented as unconditional; Ignorance as the cost for Grace. He couldn’t stand the thought that anyone else might be duped by this lie.
It was the main difference between Satan and himself, and he had to remember that on the bad days, the days when he felt like reaching for a bottle instead of Aziraphale’s hand.
In the Garden, Crowley tried to get through to Adam first, but he found that the first man was stubborn as steel. (Incredible, given that it hadn’t been invented yet.) The man worked hard, and was obedient to God through and through. And though the demon was loath to admit it, there was a spark of jealousy in there somewhere. Not because they were so cherished by Her, but that someone could have enough self control to be obedient. That just wasn’t how Crowley was created. He was different. Set apart.
Instead, the demon coiled his way into Eve’s heart over time, asking questions and slowly nudging her towards the Tree of Knowledge. While she was also obedient to God, there was a familiar insatiable curiosity within her, one that he gently coaxed to life the same way someone softly blows on coals and watches the resulting glow with pride.
He hadn’t meant to get them kicked out of the garden, not really. But as he watched Adam and Eve go, he realized that he’d helped them Fall just as he had done. A sense of horror rose within him, and after he and Aziraphale had finished speaking on the wall, he promptly buried himself back into the earth, to make his report and try to forget the world of sunlight just above.
But eventually, his curiosity drove him back to the surface. He watched the progenitors of humanity grow, learn, and explore. While Adam asked questions about the Earth, looking down, Eve looked up. She asked questions about the stars, where they went during the day, what made the sun rise and set. Her wonder about the aspects of creation he was most familiar with endeared her to him quickly. And just as he’d been about to reach out, to consider letting the first humans closer than the outermost barrier of his heart-
Cain murdered Abel.
The memory of Eve screaming when she found out burned into his brain. It was the first grief of the first parent, and though her cry couldn’t have echoed out for more than a quarter of a mile, something in the world twisted and distorted at that moment. The backlash from eating the apple could be felt in the spiritual realm, but somehow Eve’s grief ran even deeper than that.
It was the second commendation he received, and the first one he’d gotten for something he had nothing to do with. He felt sick.
Like accidentally placing a hand on a hot stove, he flinched back. After that, he felt some part of him switch off. Keeping an eye on the humans was suddenly nothing more than a job. He took his orders and carried them out, feeling something withering away inside of him. Snark became the shield between himself and the rest of the world.
But as time went on, between humanity’s influence and Aziraphale’s, he slowly opened back up. Humans went from strange and distant creatures, to mildly charming curiosities, to Crowley’s main focus when the angel wasn’t being such a wonderful distraction. Once more, his heart softened towards these strange, stumbling apes.
He met Sarah, who was the wife of Abraham. Sarah was smart, and sarcastic in a way that made Crowley laugh. He could sense that she was bitter about being unable to have children, but she hid it gracefully. And when she finally did manage to conceive, Crowley found himself celebrating alongside her. And just as he had finally gotten close-
He watched as Isaac was almost sacrificed by his father, Abraham. The thought of a parent mindlessly doing that to their own child infuriated him beyond all comprehension. The demon abandoned Sarah, and she spent the rest of her days quietly wondering where her friend had gone. Once more he recoiled, and became alone again unless the angel was with him.
Like some horrific loop, the pattern repeated itself.
Bitterness, hatred, violence, destruction… As his demonic brothers celebrated, he mourned. But there was no safe place to admit that, not even to his angel. And so the grief remained, unexpressed.
That’s not to say that there weren’t brilliant humans too. Ruth’s loyalty to Naomi was astonishing. Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego’s faith was ironclad. Although Crowley hadn’t felt anything resembling faith for thousands of years by that point, there was still some part of him that was humbled at witnessing it. Not that he’d ever tell anyone that either, he wasn’t in the mood to be tortured when he made his reports to Hell.
But his heart had thick scar tissue on it that would likely never be dislodged.
And yet-
Just as he had Fallen out of heaven, he found himself falling for humanity again and again.
What was it that made them so compelling? What was it that caused them to wriggle into his heart, leaving him breathless with anticipation for what horrors and joys they would create next?
Every time he managed to get close, devastation would make him withdraw.
Pompei, the 14th century, the Great Fire of London…
He got involved in the art scene in the late 1960’s, and by the eighties had established himself, only to lose most of the humans he knew to the AIDS crisis.
He had barely managed to pick himself up to try again when Covid struck.
He would try and guide various humans away from Hell without being caught, but BFF necklaces and ‘girls night outs’ were things that happened to other people as far as he was concerned. He wasn’t meant to create relationships of any kind with God’s most beloved creatures. They broke his heart again and again. Perhaps the ability to do so was what made them so similar to Her.
And so, for the last time, he resolved to keep his distance for good. To walk alongside humanity, but at a distance.
…
Then a human named Jay put his life on the line in order to protect Aziraphale, Crowley, and a churchload of people. The boy wielded magic for the first time, despite his religious upbringing and associated traumas with witchcraft. He helped put a stop to a Hell induced wildfire, almost sacrificing himself in the process.
The human could have demanded the world as payment for protecting Aziraphale, and Crowley would have given it to him.
Instead, he asked to be seen and respected as he was, to be buried as a man regardless of the wishes of his parents, should he die in the attack. Humanity truly was remarkable.
After the fire, Crowley and Aziraphale left to meet Jesus, who wanted their help. Both Aziraphale and Crowley had been given time to heal, but…
It was only later that Crowley realized he hadn’t really done right by Jay. Their last conversation had been an argument, and though he realized he could have been better with his word choice, the fact was Jay had been badly injured, and was a liability at the time.
That didn’t stop his heart from twinging with guilt, though. Neither of them had been at their best, and things weren’t helped by the fact that Jay hadn’t been seen by either himself or Aziraphale since.
Two months since they’d last seen each other. If they were both immortal, Crowley would have shrugged this off. There were decades and even centuries when he didn’t see Aziraphale. But Jay was mortal, and probably in a fragile state after the church had burned.
Demons don’t worry.
Then again, he’d never been that good of a demon anyway.
It was almost 3AM. Crowley was resting his hands on the steering wheel of the Bentley. His car had been parked outside Jay’s apartment for ten minutes now, while the demon ruminated about the past.
Jay wasn’t his friend. They hardly knew each other.
And yet…
Deciding that the only way to get through this was to just go for it, he left his car and made his approach.
When the door opened and Crowley saw Jay, his worry bled away immediately, being replaced with something much worse.
The human looked disheveled, as if he hadn’t showered in a few weeks. His hair was thinner than usual, coated in grease. And his face, normally soft, round, and at least a little anxious, was pulled back into an unfamiliar sneer.
Worst of all, demonic energy was radiating off of him in strong waves.
Something was very clearly Wrong.
Jay didn’t say anything right away, glaring at Crowley furiously. The boy looked exhausted. Maybe he’d been asleep.
Oops.
“...Uh, hi.” was Crowley’s elegant beginning.
Jay groaned and pinched the bridge of his nose. “Dude, it’s three in the morning. You better have a damned good reason for being here.“
“Just thought I’d… check in. See how you were doing.”
The human snorted, and tried to slam the door shut.
Crowley inserted his foot into the edge of the door, preventing it from being closed. He also curled his fingers around the door’s edge, applying pressure.
“Not so fast, bluebird. We need to talk.”
Crowley examined Jay more closely now. For the first time since they had met, Jay wasn’t wearing the necklace his godfather had given to him. In place of where the bead usually lay, there was a burn mark on his neck. Crowley had to clench his hands to stop them from shaking.
There was a long silence. Jay made no move to let him in. Crowley sighed and said, “For the record, I’m sorry for what I’m about to do.”
Jay looked confused. Then with dawning horror, he heard the familiar sound of feedback that indicated a miracle.
“Let me in.” Crowley whispered, and Jay snarled as he took an involuntary step backwards.
“You may have forced my hand, but you are not welcome here.” The human said quickly. There was a ripple of magic, and while Crowley could still walk into Jay’s apartment, his powers were now severely limited.
The shield had been thrown up quickly, and while there was likely a weakness or two somewhere in its construction, the gaps weren’t immediately apparent.
There was another pause. “You’ve been studying.” Crowley noted.
“My godfather had some very interesting books in his house.” Jay replied tightly.
“So- no necklace. That’s new.”
Jay’s eyes flicked over to a nearby table. The necklace lay there, and nearby, there was a hammer with its handle snapped in two. The center bead was still intact, but it was clear what had almost happened.
Crowley, having followed Jay’s gaze, swallowed, wrestling with his rising panic.
The demon took in Jay’s apartment next. Laundry and trash were scattered on the floor, dishes overflowed in the sink, and there were half a dozen old books opened up on various surfaces. It smelled like the window hadn’t been opened in several weeks. Old sweat, microwave meals, and grief.
The undercurrent of demonic energy made it all the worse. Crowley scanned the papers and maps, looked with rising concern at the large map that hung on one wall, with pins and strings and scribbled notes. And very faintly, the demon could hear whispers of indistinguishable words.
“Picked up a new hobby, have we?” The demon asked, injecting a lightness into his tone that he didn’t feel at all.
Jay was stonily silent, and the strange whispers began to get louder. It set Crowley’s teeth on edge to hear Early Modern Chthonic. That type of language- he hadn’t heard it in centuries. Glancing on another plane just for a moment, he could see red tangled webs surrounding Jay’s apartment. These didn’t exist on the physical realm, but that didn’t mean that there wasn’t danger present. Jay’s form was covered in strange sigils. Whatever had been at work had been chipping away at his inner strength for quite some time. It was a mercy that the boy was still alive at all. There was a protective layer around Jay’s soul- Crowley’s heart lurched when he recognized some of Aziraphale’s work- but the protective layer was cracking under the strain. It hurt to look at, so Crowley tore his eyes away.
“You don’t want to talk about what happened?” He offered at last, once the silence had stretched far beyond an uncomfortable limit.
Jay’s body was rife with tension. His arms were crossed, his shoulders tight, every muscle taut. “...No.”
Crowley didn’t have to be a demon to recognize an obvious lie when he heard one. He began scanning timelines, trying to navigate to the correct one. Or rather, the best one he could get to given the circumstances. ‘Chance’ became the new ‘Ineffable’.
As much as he hated falling back on old training, this was for Jay’s own good.
“You sure? I might be the only person who can understand. Even ol’ ‘Pastor Fell’ has his limits for what he knows about the kind of magic you’ve been using.”
He knew the hook had landed correctly when the creases in Jay’s frown relaxed a little. “How did you…?” He trailed off, and Crowley felt a spark of hope as Jay’s tone turned curious. He could work with curiosity.
Crowley shrugged, pretending to be nonchalant while keeping a close eye on Jay. “Been around for six thousand years. Basic human nature never fails. There was a look in your eye. Users of magic have that look when they get too deep into the Arcane.”
He looked at Jay, who didn’t return his gaze, and began ticking off his fingers. “You haven’t shown up to church. You’re declining our invites. You smell different, too. Humans don’t smell like the Infernal unless they’ve been mucking about with something serious. Out with it, Jay. What in Satan’s name have you been doing ?”
Jay rolled his eyes and crossed his arms, refusing to reply.
“Why haven’t you been talking to us?” Crowley pressed. “Aziraphale’s been worried. I’ve been worried- and you won’t hear me say that often.’
Jay’s words were stressed as he pushed them through almost clenched teeth. “I’ve been busy . Been trying to understand the books I found in Kara’s house.”
That’s when Crowley decided to press Jay’s buttons on purpose. “-That’s no reason to abandon us.”
It was a very well calculated attack.
“I, abandon you?” he demanded. “That’s not what happened.”
Crowley rolled his head, stretching his neck a little and preparing for a proper confrontation. “How d’you see it, then?”
“You know what you did.” Jay snapped petulantly. His fingernails dug into his palms, to stop himself from scratching at the injury on his back.
Crowley’s voice developed a slight edge. “No, I don’t. How can you expect us to fix it-”
“-I don’t want to fix it, I want to be left alone. I’m trying to work out-”
The tension held, the timeline flickering back and forth as Jay decided whether or not to tell.
“-It doesn’t matter.” Jay finished weakly. “Nothing matters.”
The timeline snapped back into place with an imperceptible click.
Jay sighed and leaned against the wall. “Please leave. I don’t want you here.”
Crowley raised his hands, showing Jay they were empty. “Look, normally, I’d be glad to leave you alone, but last night, your landlady gave my husband a call.”
“What?”
“Mmm- yeah, I was surprised too. She’s worried, ‘cos you haven’t been helping her with the chores-”
It was the wrong thing to say. Crowley’s teeth itched as the timeline slid down another pathway. The demon watched as Jay’s face closed off with a scowl.
“Oh, well if that’s all- if the poor woman can’t be bothered to hire some fucking help-”
Once more, Crowley switched tracks. “Jay, d’you realize you’re acting strange?”
There was a pause. Jay ran his fingers through his greasy hair. “I’ve had a rough few months. So has everyone else. You don’t watch your world burn down and remain unaffected.” Suddenly, Jay smiled in a nasty way. “And you’d know a lot about burning, wouldn’t you?”
It was an attempt at twisting the knife, but a clumsy one.
Still made some part of Crowley shrivel up, though. “Shut it.”
Jay waved him off. “Yeah, yeah. Big scary demon. We’re all very intimidated by your status as an angel’s lap dog-” He cut himself off again, and swallowed painfully. “What’s happening to me?”
Crowley’s temper cooled off, just a little. The human was giving him openings, whether he knew it or not. “Well, it sounds like you’ve got something of an infestation, bluebird.”
Jay averted his gaze and kept it firmly anchored to the ground.
Bingo.
“Care to tell me how you wound up with a… demonic stench?” Crowley was still trying very hard to keep his tone light, despite the darkness he saw in front of him.
There was a burst of rage. “It’s none of your fucking business-” Jay sucked in a breath. “Sorry, sorry.” He muttered, rubbing his face. “I don’t understand-”
“-You’re sick. Now, tell me, where's the wound?”
And here Jay hesitated, not out of anger, but…
Embarrassment?
“It’s- it’s on my back- I’d have to take my shirt off-”
Crowley rolled his eyes. “I’ve seen bodies worse than yours, ‘m sure.”
The human’s skin flushed a dark red. “My top surgery scars-”
His face changed to something almost resembling his old one, but it faded almost at once and was replaced with something duller. Toxicity permeated the air, and it wasn’t just from not having the windows cracked open.
“Just trying to help. You know that, don’t you?” The demon wheedled.
Jay turned away from Crowley, and flashing him one last suspicious look, he pulled his shirt off.
Three sharp lines created a demonic sigil that Crowley felt was vaguely familiar. The wound pulsed in time with Jay’s heartbeat.
The large ‘S’ was covered in something that resembled scar tissue, but wasn’t. Scar tissue didn’t usually look yellow and orange. The skin surrounding it was covered in bruises. And at the center, scabs had been broken open by Jay lifting his arms over his head, and little trickles of blood and pus were starting to spill out. The rotting stench grew stronger, and Jay held in a gag.
It was deep, and ugly, and it made Crowley’s heart ache to look at it. “Oh, Jay…” he sighed. “I… dunno if I can fix this by myself. I’d better call Aziraphale-”
“-Are you crazy ? He can’t see me like this, I’m a disaster!” the human replied, whipping around to face Crowley. He quickly repositioned his shirt, holding it in front of his chest.
While the demon wasn’t looking for it specifically, for a moment, he got a glimpse of the red lines that marked Jay as a very unique individual.
Crowley inhaled slowly, touching the human’s shoulder gently, and pretending to not see the flinch that followed as he turned back around.
“Listen to me,” Crowley began after another moment’s examination. “This is at a seriously advanced stage. I can’t fix it on my own. M’not even who you’d want to help fix it, demonic energy can’t be easily undone by another demon. An angel, on the other hand-”
Jay shook his head and backed himself away from Crowley. “No!”
“Why not?”
Embarrassment and shame washed over Jay. “Because- he’s- good, and pure, and I’m not-”
Crowley snarled wordlessly for a moment, but it didn’t seem to be directed at Jay. “ No , that’s bullshit and you know it. He is not ‘holier than thou’, he’s your friend, and he’ll want to help!”
Jay began to tremble. “No, no, no- he’ll take one look at me, and- God, he’s going to be disgusted -”
Crowley saw the red webs around the apartment begin to constrict, with Jay at the center of it all. They were running out of time. The boy wouldn’t die, but his mind might shatter. And a mind was far harder to recover than a body.
“Jay-”
“-He’s going to hate me! He already does, he just won’t say it, I know it’s true-”
The web strands were razor sharp, and though Jay’s skin wouldn’t be damaged, his soul would be sliced into, and-
“Jay-”
Crowley felt a wave of nausea as he sensed a bad timeline unfurling in front of his eyes.
“-and you hate me too, don’t you?” Jay babbled, continuing to spiral. “You both think I’m some terrible monster-”
Crowley reached forward and grabbed Jay’s shoulders. “Drop your shields, now.”
Jay fell into line at once, not sure if this was because of some innate demonic power Crowley had, or because he had been trained to respond to voices with that sort of authority in it.
The shield preventing Crowley from helping disintegrated.
And then Crowley did something entirely unexpected. He pulled Jay close, and kissed him on the forehead.
Jay felt mortified at the unexpected intrusion, but-
Slowly, slowly, his head began to clear. The human slowly sunk to the ground, and Crowley followed.
Crowley was half kneeling in front of Jay now. “The voices?”
“They’re quiet. Oh, God, they’re finally quiet.” Jay replied with a relieved sob.
The human clung to the demon with strength that surprised them both. Crowley watched as the webs retreated. Relief and satisfaction melded together in a heady mix. Jay wasn’t lost yet.
“What happened?” Crowley asked, resisting the temptation to cradle Jay and check him over for additional injuries. “I mean- what caused this?” He said, gesturing to the wrecked apartment, and to sigils Jay couldn’t see.
And slowly, slowly, Jay began to tell the story of his run in with Shax at his godfather’s house. It was a bitter, dark tale. By the time Jay was done telling it, Crowley looked pale.
“Right. We need Aziraphale as backup.” He confirmed.
Jay was still shaking. “He’ll hate me.”
“Nah- Not in his nature to hate, my angel.” Crowley pulled out his cellphone.
The human’s voice dropped to a whisper. “He’s going to be so mad.”
The phone began to ring. Crowley put him on speakerphone.
Aziraphale’s voice broke through the unhappy quietness that had surrounded the apartment. “How is he?”
Jay stared at the phone in bewilderment. Crowley laughed sadly, realizing that Jay wasn’t aware to what extent things had been planned out for his benefit. “He needs help. Bring a purification kit and some incense.”
There was a hard edge in Aziraphale’s voice as he replied. “I’ll be there in two shakes of a lamb's tail.”
It was such a ridiculous phrase to be delivered in so serious a tone that it made Jay snort.
“Are you there, Jay?” The angel asked. Jay made a vague noise with his mouth.
“Listen to me very carefully, dearheart. This was not your fault. Do you understand?”
Jay did not. He made no reply to the angel, only rising to move to the bathroom to wipe off what blood and pus he could.
As he was patting himself down with a damp towel, he heard the conversation continue.
“What happened?” Aziraphale said.
“Shax got to him before we could.” Crowley summarized.
“The poor dear…”
There was a pounding in Jay’s head, a sudden desire to cast a spell to banish the demon, or melt him slowly. But Kara didn’t have any books on holy magic-
His hands clutched at the porcelain sink.
He wanted to kill his godfather for not telling him what he was.
He wanted to kill the demon for barging into his home.
He wanted to make Aziraphale weep.
He wanted someone to hold him while he cried.
He wanted out.
Before he could be stopped, he rushed out of the bathroom, swung open the front door-
And there Aziraphale stood, a little shaky. It had rained earlier today, so he was leaning on his cane.
But even though the angel’s body was breaking down, his spirit stood as tall as ever.
Jay realized the trap. Going through Crowley’s phone would have been quicker. Aziraphale had chosen this route instead so Jay couldn’t leave.
The human suppressed a shriek, and with it, a desire to grab Aziraphale by his stupid bowtie and-
-A few months ago, the angel had told Jay that he was proud, the proudest he had ever been of him.
How long ago it all seemed now. The summer when they had met for the first time seemed even further away.
So much had changed.
Before being asked or ordered to, Jay took a few steps back, allowing the angel into his apartment. This didn’t stop Jay from pinning Aziraphale with a glare so angry it would have made someone weaker flinch away.
It was at this point that Jay realized he had forgotten his shirt still wasn’t on. He blushed and quickly covered his top surgery scar with his shirt again.
Thick and jagged, and beautiful. A dull pink. He was proud of his scar. But it wasn’t meant to be seen by just anyone.
The steel in Aziraphale’s spirit softened, and for a moment, it was just like old times. Jay being anxious, and these two beings bringing something into his life that he had been missing.
Jay’s face crumpled. He was so angry at them for reasons he couldn’t even explain to himself.
The voices in his head started back up again. Jay rubbed at his temple, slouching against the wall. And then he realized that Aziraphale hadn’t been looking at him, but into him.
“Let there be darkness.” Aziraphale’s voice was gentle, but something was very wrong.
Jay’s vision slowly blanked out. His brain went numb, and the last thing he felt before he fell unconscious was his knees hitting the floor, and Aziraphale supporting him in his arms.