Chapter Text
Jay always wondered about the quiet sadness that surrounded Pastor Fell. The older man was a source of warmth and brightness in his life, and as much as he had come to appreciate and admire him in the time they had gotten to know each other, Jay found himself concerned more often than not. There were times when Zira would hunch over, as if suddenly having a great weight dropped on him. There were days when he would seem to be overcome by some deep seated melancholy. There were days when his hands would tremble in subtle ways.
(Jay had learned a very long time ago to watch people’s hands. They could tell him a lot about what might happen in relation to himself.)
Zira’s eyes were interesting, too. Most of the time, they were a bright, cerulean hue, like blue lightning. Whenever his husband Anthony did something clever or sweet, they’d light up like fireflies in the dusk. Whenever Zira thumbed through an old manuscript, they’d become almost sharp, taking in information at rapid speeds. There were times when they’d sparkle with hidden amusement, especially at some inside joke Jay wasn’t part of.
But there were also times when Zira would stare off into space, as if licked hollow by living in this world. And maybe that was the case. The thing was, Jay still didn’t understand how Zira’s mind worked. Granted, perhaps he could give himself grace, having only known Zira for around four months.
Still, Jay was frustrated. Because he hadn’t known Zira for very long before recognizing that he deserved nothing but the very best.
And Jay wasn’t the type to care about someone halfway. The pastor had managed to sneak under his skin, somehow. It was a source of resigned amusement on Jay’s good days, and a source of worried frustration on his bad ones. Additionally, no matter how many times he reminded himself that Zira was an adult who could handle his own emotional problems, Jay still wondered and hoped and prayed that things would change, and that Zira’s sadness would at least ease a little. Because if there was any justice in the universe at all, then Zira should have been at the top of the list for being happy. There was no one who deserved it more.
Today, he hoped he could provide Zira with a good day. It was the least he could do, after everything that had passed between them since their first meeting.
After some deliberation, and thinking about the sorts of things the pastor would like to do, he decided to ask Zira to accompany him to the farmer’s market. Zira agreed, of course. With mild irritation, Jay found himself awake obnoxiously early on a Saturday so that Zira could buy some vegetables for a casserole he was planning.
He waited at the front gate, not tapping his foot impatiently, but starting to think of doing so.
Letting out a soft groan, he spoke to the open air as if he could will the pastor into existence. “Come on, Zira… where are you?”
Almost as if answering his call, there was a flurry of movement before Zira seemed to appear in front of him. The older man was breathing hard. “Sorry, sorry. Goodness, I’m not late, am I?” He adjusted the strap of his reusable bag self consciously.
Jay was about to snark, but the corners of his mouth softened before he could say something rude. “Don’t worry about it.”
The younger man turned and began walking towards the market, and Zira fell in step alongside him. “How have you been, my dear?”
“Oh, you know… some days are better than others.” Jay replied, somewhat muted. It had now been more than a year since his godfather, Kara, had disappeared. Some days, the grief was like a wave, and other days, it was like pressing on a still healing bruise. Today wasn’t terrible.
Zira nodded sympathetically. Four months ago, Zira had promised him that he would find Kara, but there hadn’t been much progress on that front and Jay wasn’t really holding Zira to it. If Jay couldn’t track him down in a year, what hope did the soft and quaint pastor have?
Ah, but now wasn’t the time for ruminating. This was about getting Zira into a more cheerful disposition. So Jay forced a smile that wasn’t entirely fake, and said, “Today’s shaping up to be just fine.”
Zira hummed, not quite believing Jay, but knowing better than to press while they were somewhere public.
The two of them walked down the path together, and slowly the crowd grew in noise and number. The farmer’s market took place inside a park. The path just inside the gate was made of cement, and there were booths on either side of the walkway. Many different kinds of things could be found here. Not just fruits and vegetables, but honey, quilts, meats, and other artisanal goods. More than that, there were amateur artists busking, and food trucks that sold breakfast burritos, tacos, fresh coffee, and dozens of other things. There was even a section for pottery and glassware that had been crafted by hand.
Jay inhaled slowly, relishing the air that now had the slightest sting of cold to it. Fall in California was much better than the sweltering summers, where temperatures regularly went above a hundred degrees fahrenheit. This was the first day where it felt like there was an official chill to the air, and so Jay brought out his tie-dye jacket that his godfather had made for him. He was also wearing the necklace Kara had made for him for his birthday. Occasionally it would catch the light, and the blue center bead would sparkle and show off the layer of gold glitter that lay just underneath the surface.
By his own estimation, the necklace was the most valuable thing Jay owned. It never came off unless he was showering or cleaning it. The blue bead, no bigger than a nickel, had a white feather wrapped vertically around its center. It had been a birthday gift when Jay had turned twenty one, which was three years ago now. The note attached to the necklace read:
Fledgeling. I took the blue color from the scrub jays that live in my neighborhood. The gold comes from the rising sun. The white comes from the clouds. May this necklace bring you adventure, but more than that, may it bring you peace.
And in a way, it had. It was Jay’s touchstone, something that kept him anchored when nothing else could.
But these days, Pastor Fell was also a new anchor. The man had done nothing but support Jay through many hardships. And things felt like they were finally starting to stabilize for him. So of course, Jay wanted to take any chance he could to repay the favor.
There was a surprise waiting for Zira at the far end of the farmer’s market, near the booths at the back of the plot. All he had to do was steer Zira in that direction, and everything would be fine.
Suddenly, Zira let out a delighted noise, and walked over to one of the stalls. It was full of fresh loaves that had been baked this morning. The pastor inhaled the scent of bread, and Jay found himself staring at the sourdough rolls intensely.
Hey, Zira wasn’t the only one who liked food.
“How do you do, Mrs. Brown?” Zira asked. Whoever this person was, she looked delighted to see Zira.
“Oh! Pastor Fell, it’s so good to see you. We’ve been wondering where you had gotten to. It’s been ages since…” She trailed off meaningfully.
Zira’s smile tinged with sadness. “Ah. Yes, yes… Well, I am getting back into the rhythm of things.” He clasped Jay’s shoulder. “This is Jay. He’s a-”
The silence held. Jay glanced at him curiously.
“-A friend of the family.” he finished. Just like that, there was a glowing ball of light in Jay’s chest. Fireworks were going off in his mind, and he repressed a large grin.
Mrs. Brown’s eyes lit up. “Oh! Is it your first time at the farmer’s market?”
“Nope, but it’s been a while for me too.” This was not a lie. He’d been in his apartment for too long, grieving in the dark. Here he was now, trying to pull himself back into the light.
“Well- welcome back! Here, take a loaf, on the house.” Mrs. Brown handed him some bread before he could protest.
Zira beamed. There was a special smile he had for when people did these sorts of things. It was hard to capture in words, but something about the curve of his eyebrows, or the way his smile deepened when people showed true kindness like this.
The pastor waved goodbye to Mrs. Brown, and moved on. But less than two minutes later, someone else was calling for him.
It didn’t take Jay long to realize that Zira knew most of the sellers by name. He greeted them warmly, they exchanged pleasantries, they’d ask some variation of, “Where have you been?” and Zira’s smile would become slightly more strained.
Slowly, under the influence of well meaning people, Pastor Fell truly began to droop, suddenly burdened again by something too big to contain. It made Jay’s heart ache.
Eventually, he spotted a private bench that was slightly out of the way of the main throng of customers. He made sure no one was looking, then gently guided Zira over to it.
“Are you doing okay?” Jay asked, offering a seat next to him. Zira smiled weakly, sitting down as well.
“Yes, yes, I’m quite alright.” he lied.
Jay groaned and leaned back against the wooden slats of the bench. “Look, I wanted to do something nice for you. I had a surprise planned, but if these folks are bumming you out, we can skip it entirely-”
“-Oh, my dear, you didn’t have to-”
“-Well, duh. The point of gifts isn’t obligation, it’s- something else. Some other… warm fuzzy nonsense. Whatever.”
Zira’s smile was indulgent, and it eventually coaxed Jay’s own smile to appear. “Get outta here. Shoo- pesky pastor with your- eugh…”
Zira laughed, and a comfortable silence held. But Jay’s curiosity wouldn’t allow the comfort to last.
“Why’s it been so long since you’ve been to the farmer’s market?”
Like dew in the sun, Zira’s smile evaporated again. “I… I can’t help them all. My own church must come first.”
Jay glanced at the dozens of sellers. “...Seems reasonable. You have limitations. We all do. Nothing wrong with that, it makes you human.”
Zira looked even more moody.
The younger man hedged a guess. “Does having limitations bother you?”
“...”
Jay continued. “It’s great, the stuff you’ve been able to pull off. Food drives, bake sales, I don’t need to give you your own history. But they want to be your friends, Zira. Not to make demands on your time and energy.”
“How do you know?”
With an eye roll, Jay said, “Because you’re you. That’s all you have to be. We know you won’t be able to fix everything. It’s your presence we value. The way you can wax philosophically about books, the passion you have for romance era novels, the ridiculous desserts you enjoy-”
Zira let out a chuckle that was suspiciously watery around the edges. Jay decided at that moment to be brave.
“Can you look at me?” Jay requested. When he knew he had Zira’s attention, he said slowly, to make sure Zira caught every word-
“It’s your personality we value. Everything else is just a bonus. We love you because you’re you, not because of the stuff you do for us. You’re good in a way that very few people are. And if you never pulled off any favors for me again, I’d still hang around.”
Zira was about to reply, but Jay didn’t want to deal with whatever sappy thing the pastor was about to say next, so he steamrolled ahead and said,
“-And anyone who doesn’t treasure you is a stupid piece of shit.”
“Language!” Zira chided. It was one of their favorite games to play.
“Yeah, yeah…” Jay grinned. “Do you want your surprise, or should we go? You’ve hardly done any shopping at all.” He pointed to Zira’s reusable bag which only contained one loaf of bread and some celery.
“I do believe I am up for it, yes.” Zira replied, brightening up.
“Come on then.”
Jay stood up from the bench and gestured Zira forward. The two of them fell into step together again, and Jay made a beeline right for the last booth in the market. They were stopped a few times along the way as Zira bought more vegetables and other things. This time, when he greeted the merchants, his smile was genuine, and he promised he’d be in contact with them later to catch up.
Slowly, Zira’s bag filled with the ingredients he’d need to pull off an excellent casserole. Jay, however, was on a budget, so he didn’t get anything. He merely held the loaf he got for free, and counted the slices to see how many sandwiches he’d be able to make in the next week or so. He thought about just using one slice at a time, cutting them in half to make mini sandwiches. But if he did that, would he be able to use the entire loaf before it went moldy?
These and other budgeting thoughts wandered through his mind at a casual pace. He’d long since gotten used to the new world he found himself in, having lost the financial support of his parents after he dropped out of college.
The sun continued to rise over the hills in the distance, warming up the chill a considerable amount. Gently, Jay led Zira over to the last booth of all, a gourmet baker’s stand.
“Oh! Hello, Sarah!” Zira said with a smile.
“Mornin’, Pastor Fell! Hello, Jay. I’ve got your order right here.” She reached under the covered table and pulled out an impressive Swedish Princess Cake.
Zira gasped, and Jay rocked back on his heels, feeling more than a little smug. It had taken several months of scrimping off the top of his paycheck, but it was money well spent.
“Surprise! I hope you like it, I probably should have asked before I-”
Zira was already pulling out a spoon from a special wooden case from one of his pockets. It was made of glass.
Jay stared at him incredulously. “Wh-why on earth are you just carrying one of those around?”
Zira looked mildly offended, but there was still a twinkle in his eye. “Why shouldn’t I? This fine confection must be tasted post-haste! How else can I appreciate it’s glorious form, the fine green marzipan, the-”
“-But why is it glass?”
Now, Zira was shocked. “My dear boy, don’t you know that the substance of the utensil can affect the feeling of the food? Metal and plastic simply won’t do! Glass is one of the few non-toxic materials that has zero impact on the taste!”
Jay let out a sigh that was more affection than irritation as Zira plunged his spoon into the spongy, marzipan covered cake. The younger man was surprised to find himself holding his breath.
Please let this be worth the price, he thought to himself.
Zira’s mouth closed around the confectionary, and he seemed to straighten his shoulders as he fell into delight.
But instead of focusing on Zira so he could drink in his experience, Jay suddenly found his eyes sliding past him to a florist booth just across the street.
The flowers, which had been average and unnoticeable, were starting to bloom. Like a timelapse, growth seemed spontaneous and rapid. Flowers unfurled revealing vibrant petals, stems straightened out and grew vibrantly green.
Jay stared, barely resisting the urge to drop his jaw in shock. Zira inhaled a satisfied breath, and the flowers across the way inhaled with him. He could see pollen dancing in the air now, and two or three nearby butterflies made a beeline for the plants and began nestling in the petals.
“Mmm- quite scrumptious!” Zira said around a mouthful of cake.
This was the other odd thing about Pastor Fell. Both he, and his husband Anthony, could just… make things happen. During a pride event back in June, there had been some sort of accident, and-
Well. Zira was a man of the Lord. And his prayers could pack a wallop. Enough peace spiritual energy had flooded through Jay’s body that he became extremely loopy before losing consciousness.
It had been a fun high. But it brought up a thousand questions. Eventually, Jay came to the conclusion that Pastor Fell could do magic the same way his godfather could. And Kara was quite capable.
But there was magic that could be done through touch like Reiki healing, and there was making the fucking flowers across the street bloom like the Queen of Spring was descending on them all.
Jay took a deep breath, and pushed the thoughts and associated memories back, back, back where they belonged. It was the sun that had done that. The temperatures were warm enough that the flowers were responding. Never mind that most of the flowers on display were officially out of season during the beginning of fall, and were weaker than average, and wouldn’t look that great anyway. Never mind, never mind.
He shuddered. As much as he liked Zira, there were some things he still couldn’t reconcile with.
Anthony too, had his own secrets. The summer had ebbed away, but those black shades of his were still firmly in place. And whatever Jay’s mom had seen the one time they had been taken off-
Jay shuddered again, and huddled in his jacket. This time, Zira took notice. “Is everything alright, dear?” He turned fully to the younger man, temporarily putting his spoon aside.
The lie came easily. “Yup. Just tired. Early mornings aren’t my thing. And it’s cold, too.”
Zira scanned his surroundings. “...As you say.”
There were several unspoken things that existed between the two of them. This was good. Secrets were meant to stay that way. And it’s not like Jay had told Zira everything about himself either. Fair was fair.
Jay’s parents had spent the former years of his life terrifying him with tales of black magic and its ability to corrupt. His mother had once claimed that even touching a tarot card deck would cause someone to be possessed by demons.
Zira scanned Jay’s face for a moment, and then chose to let the subject drop. They carried their things, put the rest of the cake back in its plastic container, and went. Just before that, Jay slipped Sarah a ten dollar tip. Well worth the price, indeed.
After a few false starts, Zira finally found a good conversation topic. “Are you looking forward to the Rocky Horror Picture Show next week? Anthony won’t stop talking about how excited he is to go with you.”
That startled a laugh out of Jay. “What- Anthony ? He said that? Or are you exaggerating so you can tease him later?”
Zira hummed, a pleasant smile on his face that gave nothing away.
Jay sighed. “I’m looking forward to… looking forward to it, I suppose. Dunno, crowds aren’t exactly my thing. And I know how loud the Rocky Horror fans can get. But- it’s worth the effort, I think. I’ve been hoping to get closer to him, but he’s-”
“-Difficult?” Zira said in a sing-song voice.
“Challenging,” Jay emphasized. “Can’t blame him. Getting to know folks is hard. And I’m not gonna hold it against him that he wants to keep you all to himself.”
Zira’s face turned crimson. Jay grinned. The pastor was far too fun to tease. But eventually, his smile fell away. “It is hard to get to know him. I wonder why he doesn’t really socialize with anyone.”
Zira too, became a bit more subdued. “Yes, rather. I have tried many times to pry him out of his shell, but- he does as he pleases. To be frank, I am surprised he invited you at all. Usually, those are quite private events for him.”
Jay half turned to face Zira. “What- don’t you ever go with him?”
Zira averted his eyes. “They aren’t really my type of event-”
“-Oh, just because there’s no classical music and there’s too much smut-” The young man teased.
“-The decadence is lovely, my dear. But as you said, the environment is loud. I much prefer to be with my books.”
“Hmm.” Jay replied noncommittally.
“But I can assure you, it will be a night to remember!” Zira declared, raising a finger in the air. Jay shrugged.
He had no idea how right Zira was, nor how quickly things were about to change.