Chapter Text
As Jay woke up on the first truly scorching day of summer, his main thought was, “I wonder how other people choose to spend their last day.”
He mentally wandered through his choices. He could go to all his favorite restaurants and rack up bills that he’d never have to pay, or drown himself in alcohol and weed. He could stay in bed all day, wrapped in his blanket and his sour mood.
A trickle of sweat coursed down his forehead. This was in part due to where he lived in California. Temperatures could reach up to 115 degrees in this part of the country, and it’d been about four months since the last rain.
But the sweat was also due to anxiety. If this really was his last day…
What would happen to him afterwards?
Would he be damned to hell? He already felt like that was the case while he was still here, so what kind of difference would it make, in the end?
He glanced at the business card pinned to the corkboard in his bedroom. Mrs. Walker, his landlady, had given it to him on his way to bed last night. It was the address to a church.
Jay hated churches.
Again and again, his eyes fell on the address, gleaming with gold tinted letters, like something holy.
Maybe it’d be in his best interest to ask for forgiveness. Or absolution? He wasn’t Catholic, but he’d take anyone who’d listen to him at this point. He needed to ask someone to forgive him for who he was, and for what he was going to do.
With a resigned groan, he got out of bed. Dodging the piles of trash and dirty laundry, he hobbled to the shower and stood under it mindlessly, trying to shake the cobwebs enough to re-attach himself to the world.
He’d suck it up and power through. One more day. Then it’d be over.
He got dressed, and glancing at the address to actually read it instead of staring through bleary eyes, he realized the building was within walking distance. Still, he chose to take his car. Walking felt like too much work, and his muscles were already aching.
The crunch of gravel underneath the tires as he pulled into the church parking lot was a satisfying noise. He parked as far away from everyone else as he could, not wanting to be more involved with this group than he had to be. He’d dressed in his very best clothing, which were absurdly uncomfortable to wear. A stiff, starched shirt, and khaki pants.
He was also wearing the necklace his godfather Kara had given him for his 19th birthday. A personal touch, and one he never left home without, these days.
Shuffling out of the car, he walked forward until he was just outside the doorway. It’d been around five years since he’d last been in a church, maybe longer. It looked to be a small, humble building. It was a light tan, and blended in with the rest of the local architecture. Short, squat, and square. The church could hold thirty people, or fifty if everyone was very comfortable being extremely close together. The little plaque right outside the door read, ‘Garden of Eden Church’.
Jay’s mouth went dry. From inside the building, he could hear the plucking of guitar strings and some light piano accompaniment. This wasn’t the church he grew up in, he reminded himself. It was not a high tech location with brand new stage equipment and fog machines. More importantly, it was not filled with people from his childhood.
The doors were wide open. The path behind him was not closed off either. He hovered for a while, not quite having the courage to cross the threshold. Was he being welcomed in, or would he be swallowed whole? Memories of other church services, purposefully forgotten, began to swim towards the surface.
His heart had been doing a kind of frenzied thudding as soon as he’d left the car, and it was only getting worse. A minute passed. Two. The service would be starting any moment now, and Jay really didn’t want to arrive after things had gotten underway.
There was a note waiting for him back at the apartment that would explain his actions to the police and his landlady. The gun was also there, waiting to be used. He huffed with frustration. At the rate his heart was going, he’d sweat through his clothes before the sun had a chance to do its work.
Fuck this. He’d go home and just get it over with. No point in delaying the inevitable.
Turning to leave, he found himself stopping again almost immediately. He’d been so wrapped up in his anxiety that he hadn’t noticed the giant pride flag hanging on the pole to his left. Underneath was a sign that read, ‘Come as you are.’
Some of the tension oozed out of his body.
…Maybe the things inside his apartment could continue to wait. Just for a bit longer. A pride flag was almost nothing to go on, but it made things easier, and he did want to see this through before the end.
He took a deep breath, and crossed the threshold into the church.
Someone handed him a pamphlet on the way in, and he quickly moved to sit at the edge of the very last row of seats in the back of the church. He rapidly made a note of all potential escape routes, eyes absorbing information as fast as possible. Ideally, he would have sat firmly against a wall to make sure no one would approach from behind, but that couldn’t be helped. Best to make things easier on himself, even if he would have preferred to have the extra protection. Jay’s entire body was wracked with tension, but he did his best to stay calm and work through all the anti-anxiety techniques he had been learning on the internet for the past few years. At the first sign of trouble though, he’d bolt, politeness be damned.
This was an average church experience for him. It was one of the reasons he’d stayed away for so long.
A hush fell over the small crowd as the person Jay assumed was the pastor walked onto the stage.
The pastor’s hair was blond, almost white. His eyes were a slate blue, like the ocean during a storm. He had crows feet that crinkled as he smiled at his audience. His face was soft and roundish, and so was the rest of his body. His clothes looked like they’d come out of a historical reenactor’s closet. Everything he wore was extremely vintage. He was clothed in light browns and creams, wearing a bow tie with a tartan pattern. No Roman collar in sight. It was absurd, not because Jay couldn’t appreciate the pastor’s sense of style, but because he was wearing long sleeved clothes and layers in June. The guy was either insane, or his private office had top of the line air conditioning.
The pastor’s eyes swept over his congregation, exuding affection for the crowd. Jay blanched. What sort of church was this? Even though he was sitting at the very back, there wasn’t nearly enough crowd cover to not be spotted. When the pastor’s eyes landed on Jay, there was a moment's pause. His entire body tensed even further, as he did his best to sit still and wait for it to pass. The pastor sighed almost inaudibly, broke into a large smile, and spoke.
“Good morning, my dears.”
Jay’s eyebrows rose a little. That definitely wasn’t an American accent he was hearing.
“How lovely it is to see you all again.” The man beamed with enough genuineness to make Jay wary.
“It’s been a rather busy week for all of us, hmm? Remember that we are having a bake sale after the service today to help raise funds for the Trevor Project. I’ve seen the lineup, and there are some positively scrummy snacks available for purchase. So do contribute as you are willing and able.”
Jay’s heart rate fell back to something almost normal, and his muscles started to ease. He extended his senses outwards, listening to everything he could hear, keeping his awareness as active as he could. There was the ambience from a normal audience- someone shuffling in their seat, an occasional cough or sniffle. Shoes on wooden floorboards, that sort of thing. There was an overwhelming sense of doom and dread surging through Jay’s body, without decent cause.
But the pastor’s voice…
Jay loved people’s voices. It was a weakness of his. His ears were slightly more sensitive than average, and as a result, he really honed in on the timbres and tones that made someone unique. Sometimes, he paid much more attention to how something was being said than what was being said. Whoever this pastor was, he had a voice for cozy winter nights. It was soft and rich, with crisp vowel sounds.
He sounded so kind.
Slowly, almost unwillingly, Jay relaxed into his seat and began to unwind.
“I do believe that’s all the announcements I have. Now if you’ll join me, please rise in body or in spirit as you are willing and able. Open your hymn books and turn to ‘Blue Boat Home’.”
There was a general shuffle upwards, but Jay stayed where he was. If he cared less about social decorum, he’d probably have laid down and closed his eyes. Overwhelming exhaustion was crashing through him, and he wanted to take one of his usual six hour naps instead of participating.
As one congregation, the music swelled and people began to harmonize.
Though below me, I feel no motion
Standing on these mountains and plains
Far away from the rolling ocean
Still my dry land heart can say
I’ve been sailing all my life now
Never harbor or port have I known
The wide universe is the ocean I travel
And the earth is my blue boat home
Sun, my sail and moon, my rudder
As I ply the starry sea
Leaning over the edge in wonder
Casting questions into the deep
Drifting here with my ship s companions
All we kindred pilgrim souls
Making our way by the lights of the heavens
In our beautiful blue boat home
I give thanks to the waves upholding me
Hail the great winds urging me on
Greet the infinite sea before me
Sing the sky my sailor's song
I was born upon the fathoms
Never harbor or port have I known
The wide universe is the ocean I travel
And the earth is my blue boat home
There wasn’t a direct mention of God or Jesus, and no ‘we aren’t worthy of you’ that was much more traditional to the services he attended as a kid. This was a hymn? Not that Jay minded, actually. The metaphor about Earth being a ship was a pretty cool one. And the line about asking questions… It was remarkable.
There was also the fact that he genuinely liked the song, which was surprising all by itself.
The pastor cleared his throat and beamed at the congregation. “Now then, for those who don’t know me- and I do see we have at least one newcomer today- I am Azira Fell. Please, call me Zira. Welcome to Garden of Eden Church. A fun fact that I would like to share with you all is that the song we just sang is my husband’s favorite. Unfortunately, he couldn’t be here with us today-”
The congregation rippled with warm laughter.
“-However he is still well loved despite his absence. And if you choose to stay, if you choose to become part of our church, you will also have the opportunity to be well loved.”
Jay’s insides froze.
Even so, there was a part of him that yearned before he could smother it completely. He stared at Zira, trying to parse the man out.
“And of course, should you choose to leave, it shall be with our blessing and best wishes.”
There was no way for Zira to know what he was thinking about doing once he got home. Nonetheless, guilt shot through him like a lance.
Zira Fell pulled his notes out, then stared at them for a moment, a crease appearing between his immaculate eyebrows. He cleared his throat, and shuffled through the cards, clearly embarrassed.
“I’m ah- afraid there’s been a bit of a mixup. These aren’t the correct pages for today’s sermon. Oh gosh.”
He looked distinctly uncomfortable for a moment, before he brightened. “Luckily, this is an excellent opportunity to show you all the progress I’ve been making!”
Jay felt a little left out. It was clear that there was a history to this church, with inside jokes and other references. Still, he reminded himself, by the end of the day, it wouldn’t matter.
Zira joyfully put his notes down on the lectern, and-
Rolled up his sleeves?
“As you can see, I have nothing hidden from my dear congregation. Now watch my hands closely, and- voilà!”
He flicked his wrist and suddenly a new set of notes was in his hands.
Jay clapped along with everyone else. A pastor who could do magic tricks. Now there was something you didn’t see every day.
This church was freaking bizarre.
“Now then, please open your bibles and turn to-”
Tuning him out, Jay decided to occupy himself by studying the room he was in. Now that he was actually calm enough to document his surroundings, he wanted some idea of where the heck he had landed himself in.
Despite the church not being Catholic, there were a few stained glasses that cast rainbow light into the room. Between each window, several pride flags hung. Jay looked for the two that belonged to him and smiled a bit when he saw them. That was a small but very welcome comfort.
He looked at the congregation next. Even though there were only thirty people or so, it seemed like there was a pretty diverse mix. Some people carried prayer beads, some people were wearing hijabs. Near the front, there was someone wearing a yarmulke. Some folks were dressed conservatively, but the temperature was already starting to ramp up in this part of the world, so the people who weren’t, weren’t about to be judged for it.
…As a matter of fact, as Jay honed his senses on the energy within the room, he realized that there was a noticeable absence of the usual bitter tang of judgment and fear mongering.
Jay had always been a little extra sensitive to certain kinds of energy. He’d been wrestling with himself for years on whether it was an empath thing, or whether he’d gotten used to seeking out and preventing sources of conflict as they arose. In other words, it was either some sort of innate power he had, or it was something he’d been trained to do by living in a bad household.
Unlike other places, this church felt…
Warm. Safe. Protected.
He took a deep breath and tried to hike his shields back up so he wouldn’t get teary eyed in the middle of a sermon on- what was it?
Ah. ‘love thy neighbor’, but with a pastor who might actually be capable of doing so, if his kind eyes were anything to go by.
Somehow, Jay had managed to find something authentic and true, right at his lowest point. He cursed his luck. This was supposed to be easy, but if God was paying attention, He was staunchly putting roadblocks in his path. It would be difficult to disentangle himself from this place and head home, and commit-
…
He swallowed painfully around the lump in his throat. Zira mentioned something about a second hymn, and when the notes of ‘Abide With Me’ began to stir within the audience, Jay almost lost it.
It had been a hard year. Originally, things were fine. Things were looking better. Up, even.
And then. And then-
He rested his hand on his godfather’s necklace instinctively, a touchstone in a world that felt impossible to hold on to.
Jay’s godfather was missing, and today was the one year anniversary of his disappearance. It felt poetic, almost, if Jay was someone who still believed in the power of language.
What words could be used to express his grief and pain? What language was there, when someone wasn’t dead, but everyone acted as if they were?
Missing . They’d held a funeral for an empty casket. And they had played this exact hymn at his funeral.
Someone gently cleared their throat, and when Jay glanced up, they pressed a tissue into his hand.
This was mortifying. He quietly thanked them, and tried to work out a subtle way to wipe away his sadness before more people saw it.
While doing this, Jay made sure no sound escaped from his throat. He was bitterly exhausted, but that wasn’t a reason to act out. Forget asking for forgiveness, he wanted to go home and put himself out of his misery.
Almost as soon as he thought this, there was a shift in the room. The energy in the church descended around him. It was like stepping into a giant fridge on the hottest day of the year. The burden of his heart lightened, and it was enough to get him to think clearly.
Okay, there was definitely something spiritual happening here. He closed his eyes and focused, reaching out with his senses to understand what he was feeling.
Almost as if in response to his focusing on it, it seemed to wrap around him, making him shiver. It had been months since he had last felt relatively good, and to go from absolute despair to something even slightly lighter was making him feel almost weightless by comparison. Jay felt dizzy, but this could also be chalked up to the fact that he hadn’t had breakfast or drunk any water yet. God, he was tired. More than muscle, more than bone, his soul ached with a desire to rest. And here, there seemed to be a prime resting spot. He closed his eyes and waited out the rest of the service.
He’d almost fallen asleep when people started to jostle around him. He blinked his eyes open with a start, and realized that the entire service had taken less than an hour. Staying in his current position, he watched as people shuffled out of their seats. Some flocked towards Zira, others headed out to participate in the bake sale. Jay only stayed where he was, too tired to move. As time passed, the crowd dwindled, and he remained. While debating whether or not to lie down until he was kicked out, that’s when Zira made his approach.
“Excuse me,” The pastor began politely, clasping his hands in front of him. “Do you need some help?”
One part of Jay wanted to reach out to this new lifeline that was suddenly being offered, and the other part began panicking.
“...No thanks.” Jay said, his eyes still red. “I should probably get going. I’m not part of your church, and I’m sure you’re busy.” He had balled his own hands into fists to stop them trembling.
“Sanctuary. A lovely word, isn’t it? It can be provided for you here, if that’s something you need.” The pastor was scanning Jay carefully, searching. Jay wasn’t sure what he was looking for. It’s not like there was anything to find.
Jay’s hackles began to rise. “Nope. Not a guy in need. Just… passing through.”
“Well, my dear, if that is the case, I simply must offer you the hospitality of the church. Would you like something to eat or drink?” He gestured to a table near the back that had water, coffee and small snacks on it.
The younger man grit his teeth, but kept the frustration out of his voice. “Nah. I’m fine. I’ll just be on my way now. Great sermon, though. Best I’ve heard in years.”
His body didn’t move. He didn’t have the energy to even try and get up.
There was a long pause. The other man smiled indulgently. “You know, I happen to have some snickerdoodles in my office.”
That got a wry smile out of Jay. “Yeah?”
“Indeed. Why, it would be unthinkable to have such a treat- freshly baked this morning, might I add- go to waste.” His tone was warm, and coaxing. Not the patronizing kind that made Jay sneer, but…
Something far more genuine.
“You-” he laughed. “You’re trying to tempt me with cookies?”
“Will you come with me?”
“Fine.” It’s not like the pastor could make a difference now. Jay sullenly let himself be led to Zira’s office.
The main issue was, whatever this Zira person was manifesting spiritually, (and Jay hated thinking in those terms) was borderline irresistible. His own desires to leave were quickly usurped by the fact that the other person was broadcasting warmth and light in a way that few other people could.
Numbly, Jay walked alongside this man who looked positively cherubic. Zira could be anywhere from his late forties to early sixties.
Zira guided Jay to sit in the worn chair in his office, then busied himself with a kettle and some tea bags. Taking in the details of this room rapidly, Jay noticed several things.
The cramped office had more books in it than were in Jay’s entire apartment, and he was an ex-English major. The walls were cream colored, the desk and chairs were comfortable and made out of darkly stained wood. The carpet underneath Jay’s feet was soft. He resisted the urge to chew his nails down further than they were.
Eventually, Zira sat down facing Jay, with a cup of tea for each of them. Jay didn’t reach out to accept the drink, nor did he take from the plate of cookies that Zira had placed in front of him. He felt too nauseous, his stomach churning with fear. Having all this attention directed towards him was almost unbearable.
The older man cleared his throat, then softly began.
“I would like to start by saying that nothing will leave this room. You may talk freely, or I can hold some space for you if you need time. I hope you don’t think I’m being impertinent when I say that you do not strike me as a person who would do well being hospitalized.”
There was a sharp intake of breath. Jay’s heart stopped, and then sped up again. “Excuse me?”
Zira’s smile was sad, and for a moment something terribly ancient flashed in his eyes. Then it passed.
“I have been alive for a very long time, my dear. I know the look of someone who has lost all hope. From your posture to the weight on your shoulders, to the hollowness in your eyes. I’ve seen this many times before, I’m afraid.” Zira leaned back in his office chair, giving Jay a sympathetic look.
He knew.
Jay cleared his throat, and tried to talk without his voice cracking. “I’m asking for forgiveness. Not just for- for what I am about to do, but- I’m-”
Against his own will, he started to cry again. And just like that, the secrets started to spill.
“I th-thought the worst of it was over when I transitioned, but-” He hiccupped. “My godfather- he’s- everyone thinks he’s dead, but he’s not- I know he’s not-”
Zira reached for a tissue box and passed it over wordlessly, encouraging Jay to continue.
“I left home, I had to- my parents, I came out and they-” He couldn’t bear to finish the sentence. It was all too fresh, too recent.
“Oh dear.” Zira murmured, his forehead creased with worry that was steadily increasing.
“-He was there. He was always there. He helped me file the paperwork to get into transitional housing, and-” Hundreds of memories flooded through his mind. Now, there was only the absence.
Jay was too overcome with grief to speak. But a few seconds passed, and he managed to collect himself.
“Gone. Missing, presumed dead. The one year anniversary of his disappearance was today, and it felt fitting to just- die. I can’t do it anymore. I can’t live without some sort of support, and I don’t have anyone to talk to-”
“A therapist?”
“H-how long have you been in America?” He asked, leaning forward.
The question caught Zira off guard. “A little over ten years, why?”
“You know how shitty the mental health programs are here, then.”
“My dear, it’s not like the NHS does much better.” Zira was wearing a wry, bitter smile.
Jay threw his hands up in frustration. “That’s not the point! The point is-”
“-You cannot live without your godfather.”
“I- I could live if there was a body. I could grieve. But this limbo has been torture. I’m done, I’m calling it quits, and you can’t stop me.”
At this, Zira sighed and took a sip of his tea. “Technically, you are right. Free will must take precedence. Except in cases when someone isn’t quite in their right mind.”
The younger man tensed, his body quickly flaring into fight or flight mode. He slammed his hands on Zira’s desk “If you call the police, I’ll-”
Pastor Fell scoffed. “-Oh, please. They aren’t trained well enough to be reliable in those circumstances. Or in most circumstances.” He grumbled.
Silence settled in the room.
“What about the h-hospital?” Jay croaked.
Zira absently traced the rim of his cup with his finger, deep in thought. “If that is what you wish, I could put a call in to get an ambulance to pick you up-”
“-I can’t afford the bills for that.”
“Please let me finish.”
Jay sarcastically gestured him onwards.
“I could cover the bills necessary if I were to ask for an ambulance, it would be only fair if I was the one to call it. However, as I said, I do not believe you would do well in being hospitalized.”
“Well, you’re not going to let me walk out of here, are you?” Jay had placed his hands back in his lap, resisting the urge to throw something.
The other man grimaced. “I’m afraid not. You see, it would be absolutely reprehensible for me to leave you on your own. I’m sure you can understand.”
“So- what? What is this, a stalemate?”
“I doubt that. No, we’re both intelligent people, we can come up with a solution.”
“You don't know that I’m intelligent.”
“You’ve been subconsciously crying out for help by coming somewhere public and asking for it, even if I had to extract the truth out of you a bit. That indicates that some part of you isn’t entirely senseless.”
Jay’s lips twitched upwards, but his amusement quickly died away. “I think I’ve made my mind up already.”
“Ah, you ‘think’ you have, indicating at least a little bit of uncertainty. I can work with that. I’ve done more using less, actually.” Somehow, he was phrasing it as if this was a challenge. Jay’s eyes narrowed. He had to think of a way to squirm out of this, and be free to follow through with his plan. If Zira’s claim was about intelligence, Jay just had to find a way to test it. But-
A test of empathy might be better.
“...Do you believe in making deals?”
The other man hesitated, glancing to one side for a moment. “Sometimes, when the cause is right. Why, what did you have in mind?”
“Well, how good are you at being original?” Jay asked, his grief subsiding as the gears began to click together in his head.
“I’m afraid I don’t understand.” Zira seemed nervous, flexing and unflexing his fingers. Occasionally, he would tap his thumb and middle finger together.
“I’ve heard it all. Every stupid thing someone says in this scenario. Hell, I could run you through the list right now.”
“List?”
Jay began to count and recount, lifting his fingers one by one as he listed everything he’d heard.
“Some will say that I’m selfish for wanting to leave. Some will say that they would miss me too much. Some will say I have too much to live for, some will say my death would be a waste of potential. Sometimes, someone will burst into tears, and I’ll have to end up comforting them. Sometimes, people will get mad, and I’ll have to soothe them. It’s ridiculous.”
“Ah. It does seem as if you’ve been ‘through the ringer’, as they say. Is that a challenge, then? If I can find something new to say in response to your ideations, you won’t go through with it?” Zira leaned forward, scanning Jay’s face. Jay still couldn’t tell what Zira was hoping to find.
“Yup. You’ve got one chance before I put up a fight.” He gestured the pastor onwards, expecting another cliche. The man seemed implacable, unshakable, unmovable. Jay was furious, though he couldn’t pinpoint why.
“I would like to invite you to my house for dinner.”
“Huh?” The anger vanished.
“That is my attempt to stop you. An invitation for dinner.”
“W-why?”
“If you are truly set on doing this, and you cannot be stopped, then what difference does a few hours make? Perhaps your last day on earth should be spent with good company and an excellent dinner instead of- well- this .” Zira gestured to the whole of Jay’s body.
“You- you really mean that? This isn’t a trap of some kind?” There was a desperation in his own tone that Jay absolutely hated, but it had been a very long time since he had eaten something home cooked. Or had nice company. Or had someone take an interest in his life. Or- well, the list went on.
“No, my dear. No trap. You don’t look like you need to be proselytized to, and you don’t look like you need to be put on- on suicide watch. You look like a young man who needs a little extra help. Now, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
Jay was so stunned by this turn of events, that he gave Zira a straight answer. “Just a shrimp allergy. Besides that, there’s no sin that lactaid won’t cover.”
Zira’s eyes crinkled with amusement. “Very well. My husband and I shall be expecting you at six o’clock. Please don’t be late, or I will be worried. I trust that you will come back at the appointed time, yes?”
It said something about the pastor’s gaze that Jay really didn’t want to make him upset.
“I- alright. What’s your address?”
After the exchange of information, and a few additional assurances that he would be there, Jay unsteadily rose to his feet.
“One more thing, my boy,” the pastor said.
“Hmm?”
“The sign outdoors says, ‘come as you are.’ you’ve seen it, yes?”
Jay nodded.
“I’ll reiterate it with an addendum attached.” He gestured to Jay’s plain, stiff, uncomfortable clothes. “Come as you are, not who you think you should be.”
The younger man snorted, but took his point.
“Mind how you go.” Somehow, it felt both like a commandment and a blessing. Jay felt something prickle at the edge of his senses, but it wasn’t identifiable at the moment.
Arriving back at the apartment, there was only one question left to ask.
What the hell just happened?