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Alex woke up, head throbbing. He looked around. John wasn't in the room like he usually was in the mornings. He sighed as the night previous slowly came back to him.
Stupid. That's the one word he can think to describe his actions of last night. Stupid. Why the hell did he do it? What was he thinking? That's the problem, he wasn't. He wasn't thinking when he argued with John. Wasn't thinking when he left John at the table after having a few too many. Wasn't thinking when he let that girl stick her tongue down her throat. And now he had to deal with the consequences.
He stood up and made his way downstairs. Frances and Philip were still at Lafayette's for the night. They had offered to watch them so that Alex and John could have a 'fun' night as Lafayette had so kindly described with air quotes and everything. Well, this definitely wasn't what he had in mind.
When he reached the kitchen, John was making oatmeal. "John, about—"
"We'll talk about that later. Eat." John said coldly.
Alex frowned when John sat the bowl in front of him and sat across from him.
They ate in silence. After they finished John grabbed the bowls and carried them to the dishwasher. Alex just waited, silently until John returned to the table. "John," Alex started, "I'm sorry."
John just scowled, "what were you thinking?"
"I wasn't." Alex admitted, "I was drunk, and I know that's no excuse, but I wasn't thinking, and I was stupid."
"No you weren't thinking," John snapped. "God, was I stupid to think that you had changed that I could trust you to be loyal?"
"John, please don't say that."
"It's true, you know, Eliza warned me. She told me of your little fling with Maria, and I said that you would never do that to me."
"This is different John; I kissed someone, it's not like I slept with her."
"It's just that easy for you?" John asked. "Kissing is such a not big deal that you can just go around doing it without feeling any remorse? I thought kissing actually meant something to you. To us."
"John, you think I don't feel remorseful?" Alex asked, "I feel awful about it! But if you would just hear me out—"
"Okay fine. Talk. What on earth do you have to say for yourself? How are you gonna talk your way out of this one?"
"John," Alex said, voice beginning to shake nervously.
"What Alexander? What?" John growled.
"John," Alex repeated with more of a tremble in his voice.
"What the hell were you thinking?" He growled lower this time.
"Red!" Alex murmured. "Red! Please stop."
John jumped up, scaring Alex further.
"Please don't hit me." He whispered. "Please. I'll never do it again. I'm sorry. Anything, just don't hit me."
"Alex, I will never hit you." John said stepping closer to Alex. "Can I —can I touch you?"
"Please don't." Alex winced when John took another step towards him. "Please don't." He begged.
"I won't. I'm not going to." John assured. "Just breathe with me Alexander. In. Out. In. Out. Can you do that for me?"
Alex nodded. "Good." John assured, "in. Out. In. Out." Alex calmed down a little after that, after a few more minutes, his breathing was back to normal. "Can I touch you now?"
Alex nodded, "please, hold me." John nodded and pulled Alex towards him tentatively into his lap. "I'm sorry."
"Shh, shh, it's okay. It's okay."
"I'm so sorry." Alex sobbed out, his head tucked under John's chin. "I'm so sorry. It won't happen again. I'm so sorry."
"I know. It's okay. Shh, shh." John comforted, rubbing circles into his back, "it's okay baby girl. It's okay."
After Alex stopped crying, he tried to pull away, "baby girl, where are you going?"
"I'm sorry." He said standing up.
"That doesn't answer my question, where are you going?"
"I don't deserve this. I don't deserve this. I messed up. You should be mad, you shouldn't be there comforting me. I messed up."
"Shh, it's okay. I forgave you, and whoever taught you that you don't deserve comfort if you've messed up is wrong. I shouldn't have yelled. I'm sorry."
"You didn't do anything." Alex argued.
"Yes I did. Anything that upsets you like this is something I should never ever do. Okay? I'm sorry."
"I forgive you."
"And I forgive you too. Deal?"
"I'm still sorry."
"I know." John sighed. "Deal?"
"Deal."