Chapter Text
He always knew he wasn't like everyone else his age, he loved too bright, he burned too soon, until nothing was left but an empty heavy feeling nailed to his chest, screaming and begging, look at me, look at me, see my suffering, see my pain, make it go away, please make it go away
Until it was gone, just like that, replaced by an overwhelming, burn off joy, so hot it left scares etched into his skin, his mind buzzing and racing with emptiness, as his brain liquefied running out his ears for everyone too see, trailing deep red down his dirty skin
His brain blissfully numb, and heavy, lulling towards his chest as he tried to stay upright, the pull to just collapse, to lay on the cool dirty floor and never rise again, he's sure they would let him, wouldn't even notice as they stepped over his rotting shivering corpse, just wondering why there path is bumpy and bouncy, not even bothering to look down at what there feet are touching
Not befitting, not enough, never enough, not a Potter, not right, scumb, brown dirty scumb, his wings have been clipped, he's not even sure if he was born with any, just nubs off what he could have been, what he should have been burned into his back, his back breaking from all the pressure, from all the eyes watching, waiting and praying for him to fall so they can push there fists into his chest and pull his heart out to feast, there mouths watering until they see the broken mess off black and sin his thought pure heart is
He could be pure, hes only half wrong, half dirty, if he peels his skin of until theyres only red flesh and peeling bone left then maybe when it finally grows back to cover his surely rotting flesh underneath his skin might grow back porcelain perfect white
If he could just scratch and scratch the impure away, blood coming away and staining his fingers as he tries to breath through overly sweet, fake air, air heavy with impatientence and entitlement making him want to chew off and swallow his own tongue to make sure he never opens his mouth and speaks again
The bright lights burn his sensitive eyes, making him wish he could carve them out and numb the neurones, snip the connection to his brain, to stop him from feeling, from feeling too much and too little
It's too much, way too much for one person to feel, it overspills as pain and anger, making him lash out at the people who means the most in the world too him
A blackness sickening, corrupting his mind and brain, making him a bitter, selfish, a shell of a man he was, or was supposed to be
He can barely focus, his mind fogged and slow, he can't eat, can't sleep, can't wash, as he stares into space, only aware enough to open his mouth and swallow for the spoon he knows is coming towards
His wife is perfect, his wife is beautiful, his wife is caring, his wife is everything to him and nothing all at once
He loves her, he loves her with everything, he knows she loves him too,
She's smart, she's a dream, a beautiful woman, with pale skin and long blonde hair, her hair is like sand, beautiful sand, speckled with shining crystals in the sun, her eyes a bright ocean, innocent blue, that shines in the sun, the blue speckled with green like the magnificent earth
His breath gets stuck in his throat everytime he sees her, she's stunning, a beautiful picture off a perfect woman,
He's the sun and she's his star
He's the dumb jock, and she's the nerd
His hands tremble as he sits in the office, his head burrowed in his hands, messaging his temple, as he repeats the words in his head, they blurr together, merging in his muddled, fogged head, making him tremble, his hands trembling as he strokes his curly hair, pulling on the strands harshly, making him wince
He feels a warm delicate head settle on his shoulder, squeezing his tense muscle softly, before trailing down his back, to settle on his lower back, slowly stroking his skin, leaving his skin that has lost the touch off her warm skin cold and uncomfortable in her wake, making him shiver uncomfortably
The doctor speaks again, her voice smooth and soft,
"I know this is a delicate situation, but this is completely manageable, with the right medication, and support you should be able to live a completely normal, happy life, I can get you a prescription today, and I'll give your wife the numbers to some great bipolar specialist, this is not the end off the world Mr Potter, and you are not alone",
He sucks in a sharp breath, finally raising his head from his hands, raising his head up to finally look at the woman, struggling to meet her eyes, but he does
"Can I still train?, I have an important season coming up", he says, his voice sounding weak, even to his own ears
The woman smiles, her perfectly red pigmented lips crafting into an upturned smile, her hair is jet black, pin straight, framing her tan face softly, her eyes are a deep brown, gold swimming, mixing with chocolate brown and deep black
Her outfit is a classic white nurse uniform, the only hint off her being an insanely expensive private consultant is the floor to ceiling windows, the expensive art dripping off the walls, and the designer bag laying beside her desk
He's sure anyone else would know the peices off art, would even recognise the artist who made the peices, they look so professional, so beautiful, his eyes are unfocused, blending the colours and the paintings together,
"Of course you'll be able to train, I would just recommend taking it easy, don't go too hard on yourself, and make sure to watch out for any side effects and I can try you on a different type off medication, but I'm sure you'll be fine", she says, her voice comforting and calm
"I'm going to prescribe you Lithobid to start, and see how your body reacts to it, take it 3 times a day, and it's best to take it on a full stomach", she speaks as she writes, taking a pill box from one off her cabinets, setting it down on her desk,
"If you get any off these side effects, please connect me, such as vomiting, diarrhea, trouble speaking, severe hand trembling, blurred vision, excessive weight gain and joint pain, and if you think the medication isn't working as well, or isn't working at all, I'll restart you on a higher dose", she speaks, opening the box, and putting the paper into the box, she looks up, smiling, before turning to his wife
"Mrs, please call if you need any help in supporting James", she says, her tone serious and calming
James feels his wife nod, making him close his stinging eyes, he feels tired, no he feels exhausted, after months, no years off thinking, what is wrong with him, what the fuck is wrong with him
His life is perfect, he's rich, his parents love him, his has a beautiful wife, a job he loves, and perfect friends
Why is he never happy? Why is his life so miserable and why is it always severe up and downs, never just normal, either on the top off the world, or down at the bottom off the ocean, trying to cawl and crawl himself upwards, only to be pushed down by the never ending, vicious current, choking on seawater, getting trapped in his laughs as he finally reaches the surface only to choke on it, the water coming out off his lungs until theyres rubbed raw,
He's bipolar,
And there is nothing he can do to fix it, he can't plaster on a fake smile, can't pretend to be the perfect cheery, sunshine friend anymore, because off a stupid chemical unbalance his whole life is ruined
How is he going to tell them?
His parents ?
His friends?
Sirius? His brother?
He gasps wetly, trailing a clammy hand down his face,
He has to be the strong one, the pilar for everyone to lean on, never breaking no matter how much weight he hold, he can't break, he can't afford too,
For his family, for his career, he just can't
He comes back to himself, he doesn't know how long it could have been, minutes or hours pass like trying to trap water between two hands,
He's not in the doctors office anymore, he's home, wrapped up in a warm fluffy blanket, curled up on a sofa
He's in there living room, the warm air hitting his face from the heating in this room, his hair is tied up and pinned back from his face, his curls forced to move and stay in place, the TV is playing quietly in the background, his brain sluggish and tired, too slow to catch up to these new surroundings
A pill is pushed underneath his mouth and pushed through his plump lips until it gets stopped by his teeth,
He's blinking slowly, his brain buzzing loudly ad he tries to focus, he tries to think, tries to move, but his limbs are too heavy, too weak to obey him,
He feels a finger come to join the pill, pushing against his teeth, forcing his mouth open, the finger disappears as the pill is forced down his throat
A noise must escape his throat as he swallows, as a hand comes to pat and stroke his hair, a soft, mellifluous voice breaking through the stubborn fog off his head, that's making his bones lead and muscles brittle,
"There you go baby, you'll be okay", she speaks, her warm breath close to his ear, making him shiver, she wraps the blanket around him tighter, turning the volume up on the TV, making him wince as the voices now peirce his oversensitive brain, making pins and needles spread under his skin, making him feel itchy,
He peels his hooded eyes away from his lap, tilting his head upwards, his eyes being pulled to the TV
It's a court case,
She must be going over a case she's working on,
He blinks slowly, trying to force his body out off this funk he's been in for weeks
He feels the sofa for his phone through the mass off blankets covering him,
He opens his phone, opening his texts with his head coach, he sighs as he opens a new text box,
He types out the message, his hands trembling as he does
He knows he needs to tell his coach, he might be planning to keep it a secret from everyone else, but his coach needs to know, to plan what's best for the team and himself, and to know why he's been slacking off in practise
James Potter: Hey, can we meet before practice? Maybe in 30 minutes?
He types out, holding in a deep breath as he tries to pull himself together, he leans over into Luicindas space, kissing her softly
She kisses back, her hands gripping onto his nape, pulling him closer by the short strands off his hair, he gasps into her lips as she forces his mouth open making flush spread across his cheeks and down his neck, he tries to pull away but her hand doesn't move, pushing him closer towards her, until there chest to chest
He groans into her mouth softly, pushing weakly at her chest trying to get her off his lips
It's embarrassing, he hasn't been able to perform in weeks, his mind either too busy, or too slow to focus on anything in that nature
He sucks in a gasp of air as he finally seperates their lips, a trail off saliva joining them together
He feels his bottom lip begin to tremble, dropping his heavy head onto her shoulder, as her hand comes up to stroke his hair, massaging his sclap
It's pathetic but he misses his mum, he really misses her, and he wishes she was the one with him, the one who gone to the doctors appointment with him, she would know what to do, she would knew the words the say,
He fucking misses his mum
The mother he threw out off his life like dirt at the bottom off his shoe three years ago and hasn't talked too since, she'll forgive him, she'll welcome him with open arms, pulling him into a warm hug, he doesn't deserve her forgiveness, he's a horrible son , a horrible person
His mother might forgive him, but his father won't, when they fell out it was vicious, he said horrible, vile things to them without even meaning too, until his mother was crying and unrecognisable in his father's arms, and his fathers face was stone and unforgiving
He send disgusting things to his father too, vile, racist things, he hopes his father never forgives him for
He didn't even invite them too his wedding, their eighteen year old son marrying his fourty-one year old lover
That's why they were fighting to begin with, they didn't like that there innocent seventeen year old son was dating a fourty year old woman, a woman who was friends with his mother since he was born and had been for years, was there for all of his birthdays, all off his celebrations,
His first birthday, his first graduation, his first football trail at twelve and his first professional debut into the world off football at fifteen.
They found it disgusting, sickening that there life-long friend was dating there son, who she had held as a baby and watched grow up
They called it grooming, said she needed to leave him alone, they didn't understand, they couldn't understand how in love they were, they are
The fight also strained his and Sirius relationship, Sirius agreed with them, even tried to fight Luicinda and threatened her to leave him alone,
Sirius didnt get an invite to the wedding either, most of his friends didn't, the wedding was small, only him, his soon to be wife, the wedding officiant, Luicindas friends and family, and Peter, his only personal invite, the only person who stuck with him through everything
After his marriage was made official, the media was in an uproar, as he's been a public figure since he was fifteen years old his life has pretty much been wide open for everyone to see, and people looked through his Instagram and even his parents, and found pictures off him as a toddler and Luicinda, they were angry for months, people making posts, tweeting about how there relationship is disgusting
And since then, he's only been seen with his wife and Peter in public, a very public and obvious breakup off friendships and family, lead to him being forced on leave from work, as the back lash was too great, that was more than six years ago, and he gone back to work a month later, so he didn't miss much
The stress off everything triggered what he now knows was a severe manic episode, he can't help but think if he was home, his real home, with his parents, he would have got disognosed way sooner, and he wouldn't have spend years wondering what was wrong with him, as his mother, his beautiful perfect mother would have took one look at her pathetic son and knew what was wrong with him
It's selfish, it's wrong for him to think like this, his wife is amazing, and she deserves more than him
He tries to ignore the comments now, he's twenty four, he's a mature adult, and he has more pressing things to worry about than what strangers think of him and his wife's relationship
She takes hold off his jaw, kissing along his jawline softly as she speaks, "baby? Would you like me to take you to practice, or you could stay home and rest, I could explain to your coach how you're feeling", she says, her voice like honey
He shakes his head, pulling away from her warm embrace, he forces his voice to appear strong and controlled, "I'll be alright, enjoy your day off, I'm sorry I've took so much off your attention today",
She shakes her head, her lips turning into a pout, "don't be baby, I just want you well" she says
He stands up, forcing a smile onto his face as he does, dimples appearing on his cheeks, but his eyes are hollow and lifeless after weeks off this deep depression he's trapped himself in
She smiles back at him, before turning back to the TV,
He walks away, walking towards there bedroom to change for training
He takes the clips out off his hair, as he picks up a pair off black sports shorts and a jersey styled shirt, he sighs, walking towards the bathroom, he changes quickly, stripping himself off his clothes, he tries to ignore his body in the mirror, his limbs trembling slightly, his skin feels shiverish and uncomfortable, his boxers spreading flush against his thighs and hips,
He pulls his shorts on, pushing his feet into each hole as bumps begin too travel up his body, spreading across his tanned skin, the waistband snaps into place against his hips,
He catches his reflection in the mirror
His eyes are dull and empty, they stare back at him like they aren't even his own, dark and endless, like pools off endless water, his hair is longer than it used to be, big chestnut curls tucking into the back off his neck and curling close to his jaw,
His skin is dull, not the bright golden brown it used to be, its dull, and paler than it has ever been in his whole life,
He closes his eyes tightly, as he walks towards the sink, his hands clasping onto the pale porcelain off the sink, his knuckles turn white with the force off his hold on the sink
He looks up, finally opening his eyes, peering down at his body, He sighs in a deep breath, watching as his adams apple bobs up and down from inside his throat
He's gained weight from his latest episode, weight he didn't want to accept was there, but he could feel it, the force pushing him to stay in bed, to do nothing just eat, eat, eat as it got harder for him to get up everyday
His stomach isn't as toned anymore, his abs not as prominent, hidden by a thin layer off fat, his chest is also bigger than it used to be, his pectoral muscle rounder and more plush, his muscles aren't as hard to the touch either, more soft and manuable
He pushes the jersey over his head, pulling it over his torso, as he finally breathes out, not even realising he had been holding in his breath
He turns the water on, splashing cool water on his face, watching as the water droplets cascade down his skin, rolling down his neck, he grips onto the nearest towel, rubbing and drying the water dripping down his face
He drops the towel, leaving it to dry on the floor, he reaches the living room, reaching down to pick up his bag, now full, laying beside the sofa,
It's a burberry holdall, a gift from his loving wife, she's the highest payed barrister in the whole off the United Kingdom and Northern Ireland,
She's apart of the Black & Co solicitors firm
He opens the bag, peeking inside, there's a comfortable change of clothes in the bag, a lunch and his phone had been put inside, also his wallet, he stands up, walking towards the front door he walks towards his wife's figure, kissing her softly on the cheek, bringing his hand to rest on her jaw delicately, he also brings the other hand towards her hair, softly combing through the golden strands
Her attention is focused on the TV in front off her, she barely even looks at him, she just pats his head, her fingers running through his hair to scratch at his sclap before her warmth and comfort disappears, her hand and focus leaving him completely
He stands up on unbalanced legs, shouldering his bag as he tries to grapple at his fleeting moment of stability, tries to pull all the peices together and fit them together, without realising there's a gaping hole in the jigsaw off his mental psyche
He takes a coat from the hanger, putting his arms through the holes and zipping the coat up before he moves to open the door slowly, closing it behind him as he steps out off the door
He pulls his bag closer to him, gripping onto the bag tighter almost self conscious, his shoulders hunch inwards, as he tries to pull himself together, feeling a never leaving pit force itself up his throat, making his mouth feel dry with dread,
He stumbles down the hallway, pressing the button rapidly, over and over again, waiting for the lift to slowly rise upwards to his floor, he never released how slow it moved before, but now, as he waits, biting on his lip painfully, it feels like an eternity, making him wonder, how will he look? Will his hair be grey? Will his skin sag? Will his skin be etched with deep wrinkles?
He hopes he doesn't live that long, it hurts himself to think like that, but he truly hopes the world has mercy on him before his muscles are aching, until his joints are aching, never to recover until the sweet mercy off death grips him with its claws,
He wonders what happens after? Is heaven real? Is hell real? He doubts it is, and even if it was hes surely going to hell to suffer for being who he is, for being this horrible, vile person he is,
His eyes suddenly feel moist, his hands trembling uncontrollably as the lift dings loudly to announce the doors sliding open,
He stumbles in, nearly falling if a hand didn't reach out to grip onto the back off his shirt, steadying him
He tries to pull himself together, taking in a shuttering deep breath, forcing a deep dimpled smile onto his face as he turns around to greet the person,
His voice comes out cheery and dripping with rich honey, "Oh I'm so sorry! Thank you for catching me, I'm James, and you ar-?", as he feels embarrassed flush spread across his cheeks, god, he just messes everything up doesn't he?, his breath gets stuck in his throat as he finally meets the persons eyes
It's the most beautiful eyes he's ever seen
A deep stormy green colour greets him, almost grey, but he can see the splatters off brown, green and gold sparkling in the irises
His eyes widen further as the person speaks, rolling their eyes, he would be offended if it was anyone else
But this- this person, this man is stunning, magnificently beautiful
"I know who you are", the man speaks, his voice rich and deep, his voice sounding and feeling soothing, he can almost hear the vibrations deep from his chest as he speaks, his voice drips with his own type off honey, not sweet and sugary like his, but bitter and thick off mockery?
His voice breaks off with a deep laugh, shaking his head as he laughs, his eyes turning into deep almost cat like crescents before he lowers his head, his deep black curls falling down his forehead to cover his eyes as he laughs, his rose coloured lips tucking into a soft smile,
James slowly feels a real smile spread across his own lips, and he asks, humour dripping from his tone, "now that's not so nice!! Don't just stand and laugh at me! I have something on my face", he asks with mock worry, making a show off searching his face for something he knows isn't there
The man stops laughing slowly, slowly raising his head and stroking his bangs out off the way, his voice is just as rich as he speaks, "sorry- it's just so bizarre, I never thought I would meet, the James Potter, in an lift, that's all, and him also to look like a poor lost puppy when I do meet him", he says, mocking coming into his tone again at the end of his speech
James feels his eyebrows raise, faking a offended tone, "I'll have you know, I live here, and I can't belive I'm meeting thee-", he tapers off at the end, pointing expectantly to the man across from him
The man speaks, his lips tucking up into a smirk, "Black, Regulus Black", the man pushes his hand out expectantly, and James meets his hand, gripping onto it, and shaking it, the mans, Regulus's skin is cool to the touch, cooling down his overly hot skin, He smiles over at him, releasing his hand,
He feels warm for some reason, a new, unexplainable feeling spreading across his stomach, it feels fluttery, not too different from the anxious feeling off butterflies in your stomach, but it's different, this feeling, it feels good
His breath hitches in his throat as Regulus raises a perfectly poised eyebrow at him, before he sighs softly, rolling his beautiful eyes again,
Wait-? Hold on?
Beautiful?
He can't be thinking like this,
He has a wife,
He
has
a
wife
He thinks slowly, repeating the sentence slowly in his head, until it feels smooth
He speaks before he can even think,
"You know? If you keep rolling your eyes like that they might get stuck there", he says, his tone teasing
The man sighs deeply through his noise, pushing his fingers harshly into his temple, as his face almost turns into disappointment, "you know? You might want to hit the button? Or would you just like to stand like this all day?", he asks, raising an eyebrow again,
James feels flush spread across his cheeks as he fumbles to press the button to the lobby behind him,
He asks, "how come you couldn't press the button?, why you putting all the blame on me?", he whines like a baby, drawing out his words, hanging on each syllable for dramatic effect
The man chuckles, his chest moving up and down as he hangs his head down as his shoulders move up and down with the force off his laughing
James pouts, crossing his arms over his chest, "what did I do now??", he asks, almost laughing himself, He looks down at the man, as his head is lowered to conceal his laughing face
He feels great, he hasn't felt like this in so long, he feels free, he feels like the first ray off sun that breaks through the clouds after a great, horrible storm
Regulus speaks again, leaning closer to him, his smile turning almost mean, "there's really nothing in that brain but football, football, football. Is there? You're blocking the way dufus",
James smile turns broader, he gasps playfully, clutching his chest, "dufus? Really? Ouch! I think I liked poor lost puppy better", he jokes, his tone narrowing off into a laugh as the lift dings loudly to announce the doors opening
The mysterious man smiles, as he finally straightens to full height, not slouched on the wall like he used to be, he's slightly taller than James. James having to raise his eyes slightly to meet his
The man walks out off the lift, not even looking back at him, James speeds to follow him, slowing his step to walk beside him, as Regulus takes a card out off his pocket, and runs it through the sensors, the gate separating us from the exist opens leisurely, the pneumatics system gushing as the air escapes
The man walks through the gate, holding it open for him, making him smile thankfully, dimples appearing on his cheeks
The cool air off the English winter greets him, making him pull the coat around himself tighter, feeling his nose turn slightly rosey, as he watches as Regulus pulls his own coat tighter around him, he's wearing a fitted expensive looking black suit, a white blouse, with a blue silk tie hanging from his neck in a classic Windsor knot, he also has a scarf tied around his neck, a heavy looking coat around his shoulders
The man's cheeks turn rosey high on his cheekbones, making all his features seem more defined to his high nose bridge, too his strong jawline, making James jauk at him slightly, a high shocked sound escaping from his throat, making flush spread across his cheeks, he hopes his new dashing friend thinks its just from the chill, not anything else, it can't be from anything else
James breathes out a deep breath, he speaks softly, "sooo, how did you happen to want to call this place home?, Regulus?", he asks, as he walks alongside him
Regulus looks down at him slightly, looking at him almost dumbfounded, he looks at him, meeting his eyes, "did you not hear me?, I'm Regulus, Regulus Black?, you know? The Solicitors firm?", he speaks in a hushed tone
James nods, speaking, "so you work as a lawyer?", he asks, interested
The man nods, making a humming sound, "A barrister to be exact, but they arranged an apartment for me, so I could be closer to work, what you are doing here is the real question", the man says, a cheeky smile spreading across his face
James smiles, "I live with my wife, she works as a barrister also", he speaks, love gushing into his tone, He watches as something foreign passes through the man's face, his brow turning pinched,
He watches as Regulus's adams apple bobs up and down as he swallows down thickly, clearing his throat, his voice coming out pinched and thick, "so, what's her name?, what's the name off the woman who caught the great James Potters attention?", he asks, his voice raising slightly
He smiles widely, "her name is Luicinda", he speaks softly
The man nods almost stiffly, his movements robotic like
The man smiles forcefully, "this should be my leave, I wish you a good day", he speaks quietly, his footsteps shortening, until he stops in his tracks completely
James smile freezes slightly, fumbling with his bag, trying to open it, "hey, we should exchange contacts", he speaks rushed
The man looks at him worried, a fine line appearing on his forehead from frowning, he goes to shake is head, but finally meets James's gaze again,
His eyes are round, pleading, his eyes begging for him, he bites his lips nervously, he's almost scared, no anxious to get close to him, James doesn't seem to recognise him as Sirius's brother yet, but he's sure he will soon, and he's not sure if he wants to see how awkward that reunion would be
But he can't say no to his face, his eyes looked so broken before he stumbled into the lift, his body trembling, his face drawed down painfully emitting only deep lonely sorrow, but as soon as he saw him, his face completely changed, turning to fake, surgary joy
He knows them eyes, he's saw them countless times in himself, and a dozen others
He wants to know what happened to make the golden, sunshine boy this tortured, shattered shell of a self he is now. no he needs too. He doesn't know if its some morbid desire to reach into someone else's brain, to fully understand them, or if its something deeper, a caring side in himself, that wants to bring the light back into James Potters eyes
Or if its to protect his big brothers best friend
He finally nods, taking out his own phone, and opening a new contact