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Tobi had no trouble sleeping. In fact, the way he went into rest the moment he hit the mattress every night could be considered inhumane in this world where everyone was tired during the day yet couldn’t bring themselves to slow down their troubled minds by the end of it.
Tobi had no trouble sleeping. Not even after something traumatic had happened during the day or a shadow tried to hunt his nightmares. He was used to everything, having struggled on his own throughout his whole life had proven to be useful in the cold nights when his body temperature was too low and therefore not enough to bring warmth to itself.
Tobi had no trouble sleeping.. until recently.
For some unknown reason, Tobi had started to stay up with Fuchi in those nights where the taller boy couldn’t sleep until the sun started rising. For some unknown reason, Tobi didn’t mind that. In fact, he liked it.
He liked the way Fuchi allowed him to stare at his face, burnt skin making a mesmerizing contrast against that pale tone of his cheeks and nose. The way the moonlight often made its way through the window didn’t help Tobi’s staring problem. It magnified it, making the boy’s curiosity rise at the sight of those yellow tones in Fuchi’s seemingly dark and empty eyes.
Tonight was no different. The two of them laid side by side on top of the mattress, facing each other while sharing a conversation about trivial matters, quiet to not wake Ryuuko’s peaceful rest on the other end of the hall.
“I like winter more.” Fuchi spoke up, continuing their conversation about their favourite season. “The summer is sometimes unsettling and I hate the bugs. Plus, in winter you can just put more layers on to fight against the weather. What are you supposed to do in summer? Even the animals hate it, the cats are always hiding in the shadows and looking unfriendly..”
Tobi couldn’t help but think that the reason behind the cats’ hostility had to do with Fuchi, but he also couldn’t bring himself to say it. “Winter is too cold.” He added, wanting to hear Fuchi’s ranting once again. He found adorable how the taller boy kept speaking on and on if he was comfortable enough. The thought of being a safe place for Fuchi made Tobi’s heart oddly present in his chest.
“Are you cold?” Fuchi asked, a hint of concern in his voice. He reached forwards but stopped himself inches away from Tobi’s wrist, hesitatingly taking his hand back. “Sorry- I moved unconsciously-”
Tobi took the opportunity and grabbed Fuchi’s wrist, placing the taller’s hand on his waist and pressing their bodies together in a loose hug. Fuchi didn’t have time to react, too overwhelmed. There was his usual awkward smile along with that lost expression in his face that told Tobi the exact effects the actions had on the poor guy.
“Is this okay?” Tobi asked, trying to read Fuchi’s expression properly. It was fairly difficult with the way the other was avoiding eye contact nervously. Tobi wondered if that was out of pure habit, given the fact that Fuchi had immense sight trouble due to the injuries in his eyes.
Despite everything, Fuchi nodded, trying to get his heart to calm down and his body to relax. He was sure Tobi took notice of how stiff his hand felt on his waist. However, he didn’t mind. Not when Fuchi’s warmth felt insanely comforting and safe in a way he’s never been before. He had never been so close to someone else in this context, so Tobi was really hoping that this would turn into a habit between them.
It took some time, but Fuchi eventually made himself comfortable in the other’s embrace too. Although his insecurities kept their insistence in the back of his mind, telling him how he was built like a bag of bones, awkwardly skinny and tall, he did his best to focus on Tobi’s calm state.
“Even if winter is cold,” Fuchi started, voice quieter now that they were closer. “It won't be if we spend it together every time, right?”
Tobi nodded, meeting Fuchi’s eyes in the dark room. “That’ll make it my favourite season.”
Fuchi’s heart skipped a beat at those words, his cheeks gaining a pinkish tint that he hoped would go unnoticed in the lack of light. Each day that passed he felt like his feelings for Tobi became more overwhelming than the last, even if he thought it was impossible. He was scared of crossing an invisible line between them that’d make Tobi hate him. He was terrified of the idea of losing Tobi. He was embarrassed to admit it, the thought making his whole face warm up instantly, but he had grown emotionally attached to the other to the extent of not knowing how his life would be without him. It could sound unhealthy for most, but for someone like Fuchi, who had spent most of his life trying to end it, having something to look forward to helped him in ways no medication could ever dream of.
Tobi slowly brought his hands up to cup Fuchi’s cheeks, each action delicate to make sure that the other didn’t get overwhelmed. He was unsure, but he still wanted to try. Try to chase this feeling building in his chest that made his heart restless at the sight of Fuchi’s smile. Try to understand where the admiration fom the other boy was coming from. He pressed their foreheads together, wondering if from this distance where their breaths unified, Fuchi could distinguish his features properly.
Fuchi carefully placed one of his hands on top of Tobi’s, reassuring him that his actions were safe. Hesitantly and unable to suppress his anxious thoughts from forming, Fuchi brought his other hand to Tobi’s cheek. He noticed how soft his skin was compared to his own burned areas and began wondering how Tobi wasn’t grossed out or hadn’t pulled away from him yet.
Tobi took in Fuchi’s expression, those dark eyes looking at him so beautifully and his lips slightly parted. His gaze lingered on the other’s mouth for longer than he’d intended, but at least the way Fuchi tensed and became embarrassed cleared Tobi’s doubts. They could see eachother from up close. They knew what they were doing, and they didn’t have the intention to stop anytime soon.
Actions speak louder than words, or so Tobi had heard. Maybe that was the reason why he didn’t think too much about pressing his lips against Fuchi’s, relaxing instantly at the contact. So that’s what he had wanted all this time. For an outsider’s perspective this must’ve been obvious, but for Tobi, a guy who had only wished to hold someone’s hand, kissing only crossed his mind when it happened on sappy television shows that he didn’t enjoy because he didn’t get it at all.
But now he understands.
Fuchi, on the other hand, had been taken completely off guard. He went through the five stages of grief in less than half a second, not believing that Tobi had kissed him, then getting angry at himself because he could have succeeded at one of his attempts and missed this moment just to agree with his brain to kill himself right after it ended to avoid messing up in the future. Next he got depressed at the thin possibility of Tobi leaving him because he has no kissing experience and finally, waking up from his shocked state and pressing his lips against Tobi’s, returning the kiss.
After some moments that felt like the most enjoyable minute of their lives but that didn’t last nearly enough, the two of them broke the kiss to breathe. Looking at each other to confirm that what had happened was real, Tobi found himself staring at Fuchi’s flushed expression, knowing that he probably looked like a mess as well.
Reality hit Fuchi like a truck, the boy making distance between them instantly and almost falling off the bed while doing so. “I-” He thought of apologizing. Apologizing? He hadn’t started the kiss. Or maybe he had somehow made Tobi think that he liked him back. Had he manipulated Tobi with his pitiful state of mind? He felt awful and the fact that he enjoyed the kiss a little too much wasn’t helping the guilt that was building in the back of his neck. He always messes up, he should just leave and never come back.
“Sunao-” Tobi called out, extending his hand to try and stop Fuchi from doing something stupid, but it was too late. As if his life depended on it — or well, his death, given that the guy didn’t enjoy existing that much —, Fuchi got up and left the apartment entirely.
Tobi turned, back against the mattress. He put his arm on his forehead and sighed as he stared at the ceiling and regretted everything. Had he made Fuchi uncomfortable? It’s true that he didn’t have verbal consent, so maybe the kiss wasn’t as wanted as he thought it’d be. He brought both hands to his face to muffle the frustrated groan that escaped his throat and got up. Nothing was gonna get solved with him just laying down and thinking, he actually had to look for Fuchi and apologize.
[...]
Walking down the streets aimlessly past midnight was not the best decision Tobi has made in his life, but also not the worst. With an extra jacket on his hand, Tobi wondered where Fuchi could be. Near the exit of their apartment? No, already checked. In the airport ready to take a flight to the farthest country he could find? No, he’s too broke to even afford the taxi. At the beach? Please don’t be there, Fuchi. Not again. He ended up in a park nearby, the one they frequented on those sleepless nights where both of them needed some fresh air after a long day of staying inside.
And there was Fuchi, sitting on one of the swings as his head hung low miserably. Tobi’s mood dropped even more, knowing that he was the reason behind the other’s state. Despite everything, Tobi forced himself to walk and sit on the swing next to Fuchi’s after putting the jacket over the other's frame. Fuchi instantly flinched and looked at him with panic written all over his widened eyes.
“Sorry.” Tobi spoke before anything else could happen. He wasn’t going to chase Fuchi around the city just because of some miscommunication — or at least that’s what he thinks. If necessary, he definitely would —. “I didn’t think it was going to gross you out that much. Or at all. I should’ve asked instead of doing whatever I wanted.”
Fuchi kept quiet for a moment, his chest rising and falling rapidly. When he calmed down, he put on the piece of clothing and sat properly on the swing again, looking at the floor to avoid the other’s reaction. Maybe if he stopped looking at Tobi enough, the next time he turned to him he wouldn't be there. Maybe Tobi never left the apartment to look for him and this was all his imagination and-
He sighed, tired. Tired of overthinking. Tired of messing up everything even when things were starting to go his way.
“No, I’m sorry.” Fuchi apologized. “It didn’t gross me out at all. I liked it a lot. I loved the kiss. It’s something I’ve been thinking about for weeks so when it actually happened I couldn’t process it and I just ran away.” He sulked, hating himself even more than he previously did. He always ran away from his problems, his first thought at the minimal inconvenience being to quit everything entirely. He pushed those thoughts away, now was not the time.
“You loved it?” Tobi asked, needing confirmation that what he heard was right. It wasn’t judgemental, it was genuine surprise. That tone in Tobi’s usual careless voice and demeanor was so unexpected Fuchi almost raised his head to confirm that he was still talking with the same person. Almost. He couldn’t bring himself to face him, even if he saw everything blurry with the poor lighting and awful eyesight.
“Yeah.” Fuchi nodded. He figured that after all he’d say it’d be too late to go back to the casual friendship they had earlier. If that peacefulness was going to end up ruined, he’d rather be the villain than let his brain even think about the possibility of Tobi’s kiss being the reason behind it. “Because I love you.”
Tobi sat there speechless, looking at Fuchi. He’s not deaf, is he? He heard all of that correctly. This was real. This was happening. Fuchi’s love for him was happening and was real. For him? He knew he felt something back in the apartment but he genuinely just thought Fuchi was simply curious about kissing someone and he happened to want to kiss him too.
Tobi got up and stood in front of Fuchi, who was still not looking at him. He extended his hand, catching the taller’s attention.
“Let’s go back to the apartment.”
Fuchi finally raised his head and blinked, confused as he placed his palm on top of Tobi's. “Huh?”
“I’m going to kiss you until I tire you out.” Tobi started walking towards their apartment, dragging Fuchi with him. “You’ll get so fed up with my lips you’ll want to sleep before tasting them again.”
Fuchi followed, keeping up with the pace. He couldn’t help the genuine laugh coming out of his throat as his heart beated intensely at the other’s words. Getting bored of Tobi’s kisses? Right, as if that’d ever happen.
Guess this just meant another sleepless night. This time though, Fuchi couldn't get annoyed about it.