Chapter Text
Feng Xin put the spoon in his mouth and almost gagged. All chocolate mousses tasted bad. He sighed and fought the urge to flip everything from the counter. He knew it was okay to mess up with a recipe. But it was the third time today and he was a chef. His job was to make dessert for the gourmet restaurant Ming Guang.
His eyes locked with Pei Ming from the other side of the kitchen.
« Feng Xin, make them once again, » he ordered before adding, « And come to my office when you’re done. »
Feng Xin only nodded. The other chefs threw glances at him, whispering and hiding mocking smiles. He tried to focus on the mousse but his mind kept wandering.
Once done with good, but not excellent, mousses, Feng Xin entered Pei Ming’s office. He was ready to face the consequences of his mistakes. But Pei Ming walked to the fridge, took two beers out of it and handed one to him.
« Speak. »
Feng Xin sighed and sat in front of the desk. Pei Ming leant on the desk and looked at him from above. He had been his boss for years now. Feng Xin wouldn’t dare to say they were friends but they were certainly more than acquaintances. He hadn’t expected him to care . So, he lied.
« I don’t have anything to say. »
« Bullshit. I know you, Feng Xin. There’s something in your mind, » Pei Ming paused, « Or maybe should I say there’s someone in your mind. »
Feng Xin scowled. One, because Pei Ming was right. Two, because this person was Mu Qing. He raised his hand to his face.
« I’m fucked up, » he complained.
« Of course not, » Pei Ming crossed his arms over his chest, « Why don’t we start with the beginning? »
« The beginning of what? »
« I don’t know. When did you realise you had feelings for Mu Qing? »
Feng Xin met Mu Qing in middle school. Xie Lian introduced them and since that day, Feng Xin had never known peace. He couldn’t have a conversation with Mu Qing, every time one spoke, it was to throw fire at the other. They fought a lot, verbally and physically. Their only common interest was Xie Lian.
Even if they bickered a lot, they haven't had many big fights. Feng Xin pushed them away, drowning the guilt. Because he felt like he was the wrong one every time.
The first one happened in their second year of high school. It was during his favourite season, spring. Xie Lian was sick and for a couple of days, they only had the other’s company. Xie Lian asked them to stop fighting and bonding while he was away, that it’d help him recover quicker or whatever. Reluctantly, Feng Xin spent more time with Mu Qing. The latter didn’t seem to enjoy the extra company either. It was only then that Feng Xin realised that, when they were not fighting, Mu Qing was a quiet person. He spoke softly even though his tone was cold. He also studied a lot — in between classes, during lunch and even after school. On the third day in a row, when they left the library, Feng Xin asked the wrong question.
« Why do you study so hard? It’s not like you need it. »
He meant it as a compliment. He despised Mu Qing but he could admit, in his mind only, that the boy was smart. Was Mu Qing not confident in his skills? That couldn’t be.
« You’re even stupider than I thought. »
Mu Qing turned around so quickly he might have snapped his neck. His eyes were venomous and Feng Xin believed a glance could actually kill him. He didn’t understand what was going on. Before he could voice his confusion, Mu Qing started spitting fire.
« Do you think I enjoy this? » he asked but waited for no answer, « Studying every minute, proving that I can be the top of the class? No, I don’t need to do all of this to get good marks. I’m smart enough. But I need to do this to keep my scholarship. Because no, Feng Xin, I can’t afford anything without it. I even had to pick up fucking ballet to get it. And you know what? I don’t even like it. I wanted to do fencing or martial arts but no scholarship was possible. Because kids like me don’t have the same rights and opportunities as kids like you . You can afford to get a mediocre mark, but I can’t. I don’t expect you to understand but I urge you to leave me alone. »
Feng Xin stared at him. He watched his silhouette leaving and disappearing in the distance, his usual ponytail bouncing with every step he took.
Until that day, he hadn’t realised wealth was something that mattered to Mu Qing. Not because he had little, but because everyone else had too much.
And it was something that stung until their second big argument.
Feng Xin had just left the infirmary. His nose was stinging and his knuckles were all bandaged. He had expected Xie Lian to scold him but worse waited for him: Mu Qing. He hadn’t time to tell him what happened.
« Why did you do this? » Mu Qing asked.
Feng Xin beat up another guy at school. This guy was, from what he had understood, Mu Qing’s crush. Despite how much he disliked Mu Qing, he couldn’t tell him why he had done this. It felt cruel to tell him the guy was making fun of him and his situation in the locker room. Actually, Feng Xin didn’t think before his fist landed on the boy’s jaw.
« He deserved it, » Feng Xin answered.
Mu Qing swore in his breath.
« I hate you so much, » Mu Qing replied, « You’ve ruined everything for me, now! »
Feng Xin hadn’t understood why he was so dramatic about it. At least, until he noticed other classmates eyeing him weirdly or not daring to look at Mu Qing.
No one tried to date Mu Qing until they entered university. Everyone was too afraid to approach him and have Feng Xin beat them. That was ridiculous, Mu Qing wasn’t his boyfriend. They were at each other’s throats all the time. And back then, Feng Xin didn’t know he could be attracted to men, too.
But that was another story.
« Feng Xin? » Pei Ming called.
Feng Xin snapped out of his thoughts. He almost dropped the beer in his hand.
« Sorry, I was… »
He cleared his throat. Pei Ming was trying hard to hide a laugh. He gave him a tissue to wipe his hand and shoe.
« Somewhere else, I could tell, » Pei Ming finished his sentence, « You know, the last time I saw you this distraught was when you started working for me. I used to think it was because you were nervous about having your first job but, now that I know you, I can tell something was on your mind. »
Feng Xin remembered that time. It was a weird and painful period. He immersed himself in work but ended up doing many things wrong. He was grateful to Pei Ming. Any other chef would have fired him on the second mistake.
« Oh, it was when… » he started.
« When Jian Lan broke up your engagement? »
Feng Xin smacked his lips together.
Yes, that happened. But it wasn’t what he had in mind. Actually, he was about to answer when Mu Qing left for France without a word, not even a goodbye .
He completely forgot that those two events happened in a short period of time.
« Oh, right, » he said.
Pei Ming raised an eyebrow. He invited him to tell him the whole story and took a sip of his beer. Feng Xin grabbed his and sighed deeply.
Feng Xin’s life had never been this good. He had finished his culinary studies, ended an awful but educative internship and was about to start a job as a chef at a renowned restaurant, the Ming Guang. Xie Lian’s writing career was at its peak, they were even talking about doing a film adaptation. And the woman of his life had accepted to marry him once she’d be done with her law studies.
Yes, Life had been smiling at Feng Xin for some time. But Life wasn’t that nice.
« I don’t understand, » Feng Xin said.
Xie Lian sighed and put a strand of hair behind his ear. The cafe wasn’t half full. It was a monotonous Tuesday afternoon. Feng Xin wasn’t working and Xie Lian could work and not work whenever he wanted. Tuesdays were usually the day Xie Lian would nag Feng Xin and Mu Qing to have coffee and catch up every week or every other week. Last time they met up was three weeks prior and Feng Xin told them Jian Lan accepted his proposal.
« Mu Qing left last night. He didn’t want us to make it a big deal so he kept that for himself. He only told me about it last week. »
Feng Xin swallowed. He and Mu Qing weren’t close, despite all those years being Xie Lian’s friend, but it didn’t mean he didn’t care for the guy. If Mu Qing decided to leave the country, he would like to know. Because he hated being out of the loop.
« But it’s just for an internship, right? He’ll be back in a few weeks? Months? »
Xie Lian smiled. It was meant to be reassuring but Feng Xin knew that smile too well. He knew what it meant. I wish I could agree but I’m about to break your heart .
« Mu Qing was offered a permanent contract. Technically, he can break it anytime. But… »
But why would he? Xie Lian spent the next twenty minutes to explain him everything. It was a tight job offer, few students were selected. Mu Qing managed to get it because he spoke Chinese, Japanese, French and English fluently. Feng Xin could picture him in high school and university, cramming with every bits of information he could get. He was happy that all this pacing back and forth in their shared dormitory, whispering in different languages, paid off.
Now, Mu Qing was on his way to France. In a few days, he would start as an art curator. That was his dream. He spoke rarely of it but Feng Xin remembered every single time he did.
« His mother is here. »
We’re here , Feng Xin wanted to add but the words couldn’t escape his mouth. Xie Lian kept smiling. Feng Xin could see it was hard.
« I promised Mu Qing I would visit her when I have time. »
Feng Xin simply nodded.
« Are you alright? » Xie Lian reached for his arm.
Feng Xin shrugged.
« Why shouldn’t I be? I can’t believe this bastard didn’t say anything so he didn’t have to pay for drinks. How many drinks have I paid last time to celebrate my successes? How many have you paid when your book was released? »
He shook his head and took a sip of his coffee. He didn’t know why it tasted more bitter than usual.
Feng Xin hadn’t heard of Mu Qing for two months. So, when he received a phone call, he was rather surprised. He checked the hour and it was the middle of the night in France. Why would Mu Qing call him? Was he in danger?
« What do you want? » Was the only thing he could say when he answered.
A brief silence. Did Mu Qing call him by mistake? Was he in real danger and Feng Xin said the wrong thing at the wrong time again? That wouldn’t be a first.
« Stop coming to my house, » Mu Qing ordered.
Feng Xin was taken aback. He went to see Mu Qing’s mother a month ago. The woman was proud of her son going abroad and thriving but one had to notice she felt lonely.
Yes, Feng Xin and Mu Qing weren’t friends but that didn’t mean he couldn’t be nice to an old lady.
« Stop giving flowers to my mother, » Mu Qing added.
Whenever he couldn’t go to her house, Feng Xin would send her flowers because he knew she liked them. He noticed the pot with dried petals in the living room, next to a picture of her and Mu Qing, the first time he came. When was the last time she’d been offered flowers?
« Are you already tired of Jian Lan? » Mu Qing snickered.
They hadn’t spoken for two months. Mu Qing didn’t know Jian Lan had broken up with him. He didn’t know how miserable Feng Xin was. He didn’t know he was struggling with too many emotions and questions. Now wasn’t the time to play with him or his love life.
But Feng Xin wasn’t angry. No, he was hurt. He didn’t know what hurt or why it did. And it didn’t matter. Once again, he didn’t think. He let his mouth run on its own and spat:
« Fuck you. »
He hadn’t waited for Mu Qing to tell him likewise and hang up.
The next time they spoke was when they almost lost Xie Lian. Feng Xin had waited for Xie Lian to fall asleep and dialled Mu Qing’s number.
« I know. I’m at the airport right now, » Mu Qing simply said.
They never spoke about what happened. They focused on Xie Lian. And perhaps, that was for the best.
Feng Xin wouldn’t dare to say they were friends. But he could say they fought less. Perhaps it was the age. They were in their mid-thirties, busy and exhausted by life. They didn’t cross paths as often and they drifted apart for years.
Anyhow, things were pretty much okay. They still bickered but they didn’t throw fists at each other — unless they drank a bit.
December was the month they’d see each other the most. Xie Lian wanted them to spend Christmas together every year. It was a tradition since middle school, they would even select another date to celebrate it together and with their family.
Now that Puqi Shrine had been renovated by Xie Lian’s wealthy but creepy boyfriend, they could celebrate it there. Everyone put their heart and soul into decorating the place, even Mu Qing.
Feng Xin and him were in charge of hanging the garlands on the walls. They’d been paired together because of their exact same height — they used to both argue that one was taller than the other but no one believed them.
« I hope you asked Santa to bring you a new set of eyes, » Mu Qing growled, « Can’t you see it’s not straight? »
« And why would it be my fault? You’re the one who put it too low. » Feng Xin argued.
« What’s the point of putting it so high? At this point, even Hua Cheng can’t see that fucking garland. »
« If you’re so unsatisfied, then put it on your own! »
« I’d have done a better job alone. »
« Then do it alone! »
« No, no, no. Get back here. Everyone’s working, and so will you! »
« Don’t tell me what to do! »
It was very normal. A typical Christmas preparation.
Until they realised everyone was watching them. Usually, none of their friends would notice. Xie Lian looked at them with an uneasy smile.
« What? » Mu Qing scowled.
« You, guys… » Xie Lian said as he pointed to the ceiling.
Mu Qing and Feng Xin looked up. They had moved from their previous spot while arguing. Neither of them realised they had stopped right below Holly.
They both stepped away from each other.
« You know the tradition, you can’t back out! » Shi Qingxuan added cheerfully while decorating the pine tree on the other side of the room.
« I’m not kissing this brat, » Feng Xin screamed.
« What a killjoy, » Shi Qingxuan complained.
« Nah , he’s just a coward, » Hua Cheng spoke as he entered the living room with pieces of wood.
And before Feng Xin could think of a comeback, he was pulled. His lips crashed with another pair and it took him some seconds to realise Mu Qing had grabbed him by the collar and kissed him.
Mu Qing threw him and stepped away.
« Happy, now? » he groaned and left the room.
Feng Xin was too stunned to speak. Everyone looked at him with widened eyes, except Hua Cheng who didn’t care.
Mu Qing had kissed him. And Feng Xin couldn’t say he disliked it.
« And since then, I can’t stop thinking about it, » Feng Xin admitted, « About him . »
Pei Ming hummed.
« So, you’ve finally realised you’re in love with Mu Qing. »
Feng Xin’s mouth fell agape.
« I’m not in love with Mu Qing. »
Pei Ming sighed and put his empty bottle on his desk.
« So, if Mu Qing comes tomorrow with a ring on his finger and tells you he has found the love of his life, that would do nothing to you? » Pei Ming asked.
« I’d be happy for him. Everyone deserves love, even a brat like him. »
Pei Ming nodded.
« And if he comes tomorrow and tells you he’s been in love with you for years? »
Feng Xin stayed silent.
« So, you won’t snog him senseless? » Pei Ming asked.
« Did you just say ‘snog’? »
« Don’t change the topic! »
Feng Xin groaned. If Mu Qing told him he’d been in love with him for years, even for a minute, Feng Xin might explode. The mere thought quickened his heartbeat.
« I’m in love with Mu Qing, » he realised out loud.
« You’re in love with Mu Qing, » Pei Ming confirmed, « And I’m pretty sure Mu Qing is in love with you. »
« You might know me, but you don’t know him . »
« I don’t know him but I know what love is. »
« Says the man who hadn’t been in a committed relationship in his whole life. »
« Hey, no slut shaming, this is a safe place here. »
« Alright, alright, sorry, » Feng Xin sighed, « But what are you telling me? I should tell him? Have you met Mu Qing? »
Pei Ming sighed.
« Nothing could go wrong. »
Feng Xin wasn’t so sure about that. They managed to have a good relationship so far. If he confessed and Mu Qing didn’t feel the same… Not only his ego would suffer but their friendship with Xie Lian would too. They’d been a trio for almost three decades. Feng Xin couldn’t throw this away because of a kiss.
« Okay, let’s see how it goes tomorrow, » Pei Ming said, « You haven’t seen each other since. »
Feng Xin nodded.
« You’re probably right. »
« I’m always right. »
« Don’t ever use the word ‘snog’ again. »
Pei Ming rolled his eyes.
« Alright, » he said before waving him out of his office, « Now, leave. I have a date. »
Feng Xin rolled his eyes and left his office.
On his way home, he tried not to overthink. Tomorrow was Christmas Eve. He wouldn’t be with Mu Qing only. Maybe things would go smoother than he thought. Perhaps it wouldn’t be awkward. Maybe he could live with his feelings kept to himself until he found someone else.
But nobody would ever be Mu Qing.
Feng Xin tried to push the thought away. But he knew it was in vain.