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Maya had more to say, she knew she did. She could have kept lying; it wouldn’t be hard. She could go back to insisting everything was fine, that she was fine. But she knows better now. She was finally talking to her wife again. Her wife, her beautiful, loving, and forgiving wife. Even going on dates again.
The blonde had a lot of dirt to uncover. Carina knew the basics, but she deserved to know what Maya did. And no matter how much the realization hurt her, Maya also knew the Italian needed to know what she did to decide if they would stay married.
She knows she fucked up. She should’ve turned to her wife long before the running, the blackmailing, the bottle of alcohol she gave to Beckett. Long before she started ruining herself and her life. But now, with the help of Diane, she’s starting to learn. Learning not to run away, learning that her wife just wanted to be there for her. Learning to see the love in Carina’s eyes rather than the imagined disappointment.
Her wife saved her life.
“I hated you,” Maya whispered, her voice trembling. “For what you did. For taking away my control. But I hated myself more—for needing you to do it.” She didn’t look up, too scared to see the disappointment in Carina’s eyes. But then Carina’s arms were around her, pulling her close. “You don’t have to hate yourself anymore, amore,” Carina murmured. “We’ll figure this out. Together.” And that was the thing that broke Maya’s heart the most—Carina always gave her more love than she thought she deserved.
When Carina 5150’d her, all Maya felt was anguish. She had no right to take away her control. Now, she’s able to say she was terrified. She needed the control. And when her wife took away the last thing she could control? She lashed out. She lashed out and hurt her wife, possibly even ruined her marriage.
But her wife saved her life.
There is so damn much to say
And to lie even more
So much dirt to lay bare
Even though the digging hurts so much
I'm an asshole but I'm learning
She still wants to run.
But no longer away from her wife; all she wants is to run towards her wife.
The Italian is her safe place.
When she was younger, Lane liked to make her run on beaches. The sand would make it harder to run, pushing her to run better, faster. But over time, the beach, no matter the impossible runs, became something she would look forward to. Something about the ocean ebbing and flowing always calmed her down.
Carina liked to compare Maya’s eyes to the ocean, but slowly, Maya had started to realize the brunette is her ocean.
The first time Carina had told Maya she saw the ocean in her eyes, they were lying on the beach together, the waves lapping gently at the shore. Maya had laughed, a little awkward and self-deprecating, claiming her eyes were more stormy than serene. Carina’s response was simple: “Even a storm in the ocean has its beauty.”
The OB is always able to calm her down, a safe space she’s now yearning to run away to. Everything is okay once she’s with her wife: no jealousy, no hurt, no disappointment. Just her and her wife, and enough love that even Maya believes she’s worthy of it.
An ocean to flee into
Never having to be jealous
Love to clear your heart
An ocean, how great would it be
She never dared to wish. It seemed foolish; what could a wish possibly do? But every night, she would wish for her wife to come back to her, and now they’re finally talking again. So maybe, maybe wishing isn’t that bad.
A part of her isn’t sure her wishes deserve to come true, not after all she’s done. Maybe all the hurt she’s been through hasn’t been enough yet to make up for all she’s done.
Maya had made a wish once before, on the night she married Carina. Standing at the altar, her hands trembling, she had silently wished for the courage to be the wife Carina deserved. She’d thought she could do it. She had been so sure. But now, remembering that moment, she feels like she failed even that wish.
But if she could? If she could make a wish before her life would inevitably crumble down on her again?
She would know what to wish for a thousand times over.
Because there is nothing she wants more than her wife. She wants her wife back. She wants her happily ever after. Her wife, maybe even their own family. She wants to have the chance to love her family till eternity.
If there was something I wished for
Before the well dried up
Then it would be "long shall they live"
Family who I love a lot
And for whom I would die
She wishes to go back to her ocean, her wife. To hide away in her arms and let the world fall around them.
She’s so tired of getting back to the quiet apartment. It’s not home anymore, not since the Italian left. The decorations on the wall are still a stark reminder of what, who, she lost.
The spot on the floor, where Diane had her make a timeline, is a spot she returns to a lot. Sometimes she just sits there. For hours, not doing anything. Some days she breaks down crying.
The timeline is still there, faint marks of the marker visible against the hardwood floor despite her attempts to scrub it away. Despite being unreadable, the milestones stare back at her: Lane’s training, the Olympics, the moment she met Carina, and the breaking point. It’s a physical representation of her life—and how it spiraled.
Somehow the spot has become her spot.
Some days she will go sit there just to draw, another suggestion from Diane to keep her brain busy. But the crying happens more often than she likes to admit. And she knows it’s okay to cry. But it sucks. And she’s just so tired of crying. Because every time she’s done crying, the need for her wife—for Carina to hold her—just grows.
The need to fall apart in her wife’s arms is so big she just cries more.
It doesn’t matter how much she begs to stop crying, her body won’t cooperate. Some days tears are all that she has left.
An ocean to take refuge in
Never having to be alone again
I have begged not to cry anymore, please
Life has always been a little terrifying. First Lane, but at that point all she had to do was run . Nothing else mattered. Then suddenly, she couldn’t run anymore, not like before. And life became this terrifying obstacle; she never quite knew what to do.
But then the demotion happened, the blackmail, the bottle, the failed attempts, the running, the failing , the 5150, and most importantly, losing her wife.
Now, though? The scariest thing is not getting her wife back. But they’re here again, so maybe, hopefully, this will work out too.
She’s not afraid of other things anymore. If she just has her wife? Anything else will be fine.
Life does not scare me anymore
I have already had to crawl so far
The last part will do too
'till I stand up
She wants to run back to her wife, hide them both away in their home. Just enjoy the day with movies, cooking or anything else that would make her happy.
No more nerves because she isn't enough. Just her wife and her. That’s all that matters.
The love the Italian always gives her so freely, the calm she feels when she’s able to show her wife just how much she loves her.
Her wife is her ocean
An ocean to flee into
Never having to be jealous
Love to clear your heart
An ocean, only for me
Now sitting in her spot on the floor, phone in her hands, she can’t help but smile as she sees the message on her phone: “Just checking out of the hotel now, hope your shift went well.”
Maya’s fingers hover over the screen for a moment. She types and deletes several responses before settling on, “It went okay. Can’t wait to see you. Call me when you’re on your way?” Her heart races as she presses send, a blend of excitement and anxiety.
Her ocean to drown in, to fall apart in Carina’s arms, to not be okay in.
Carina can be her anchor, her safety, her home.
Somebody else can crawl through this hell. Because she has her wife back. She might have cried an ocean’s worth of tears, but now her ocean is back, and her wife is all she needs.
An ocean to drown in
To be a hero a day or so
Just let someone else crawl now
An ocean, full of tears is mine
Maya stood at the entrance of their apartment building, heart pounding as she watched Carina’s car pull into the parking spot. Her hands itched to fidget, the nervous energy coiled in her chest almost too much to bear. The moment Carina stepped out, her smile radiant and warm, Maya couldn’t help herself—she closed the distance between them in a few quick strides.
“Carina,” she breathed, her voice catching.
Before she could say more, Carina wrapped her arms around her, pulling her close. “Amore,” Carina whispered, her lips brushing against Maya’s temple. “I missed you.”
Maya clung to her as if afraid she might disappear. “I missed you too. So much.”
As they stood there, the world seemed to fade away. Maya knew—more deeply than she ever had before—that this was home. Not the apartment, not the city. Her. Always her.
Only for me