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Jisung doesn’t like beer.
It is bitter, heavy, and makes his stomach feel weird - it's because of the fermentation. He learned this even before tonight. As he looks around the room, already a bit fuzzy around the edges, he is surprised by how much his hyungs seem to like the disgusting drink. Chan downs each glass as if it tastes like pineapple juice. Changbin sighs happily every time he takes a sip, looking at the cold glass with such affection that if Jisung didn’t know any better, he would think something weird was going on between him and the glass. Minho also drinks well and seems perfectly satisfied with Jeongin’s birthday celebration.
Chan hesitated at first to be the one financing all that drinking, but at the end of the day (according to him), if his members are going to drink anyway, he would rather it be with him around. Jeongin is turning nineteen, and now they are all responsible adults; it won’t be that bad. Besides, they finished a tour mere weeks earlier, and resting is important. So, he relented and bought enough cans of beer and bottles of soju for a small army. Minho, who helped with the purchase, explained to them that there is no better way to find out what one likes to drink than by trying a variety of things.
There were all the flavors of soju that Jisung had heard about before: strawberry, peach, green grapes, apples, blueberry, and mango. And a few he didn’t know existed until seeing them at the dorm tonight: lychee, grapefruit, and pomegranate. They even bought a bottle of vodka and a bottle of rum against Chan’s wishes, but it can be hard to argue with Minho. Jisung knows it; he has tried on more than one occasion. But every time his hyung just stares blankly at him and does that thing with his eyes that makes him look innocent and pure. It makes Jisung’s stomach feel a little weird, so he just gives up and lets Minho have his way.
His first ever sip of beer disgusted Jisung so much that he almost gave up on drinking altogether. It has been a few months since the first time he tried - he may have been the only one out of the guys born in the year 2000 who did not get drunk on Seugnmin’s birthday because of how disgusting that beer had been. So, he has no plans on going for that drink again. But he has to admit that he feels braver to experiment with something else after the pep talk from Minho. He was right: how is Jisung ever going to learn about his taste if he doesn’t try new things?
Vodka tastes like nail polish - not that he has ever actually drunk acetone, but the smell reminds him of it -, the sharp sting of the drink sliding down his throat makes him cough right away, and it takes more effort than he cares to admit not to gag. Jisung thinks that rum is out of the equation for the night; strong alcohol just doesn’t feel like his thing. Maybe he is better off with something weaker, like soju.
He is definitely right. The only drink that tastes enjoyable is the sweeter alcohol, and he really likes that there are multiple flavors to try. While the older guys delight themselves with a cold beer and watch their younger members try out the beverages, Jisung starts ranking the flavors in his mind, based on the first sip of each.
The worst so far is peach. He knows that it is a favorite around the table since Hyunjin and Felix have been whining about how there is no more of it left. Jisung is pretty indifferent to the blueberry, mango, and apple, so he ranks them eight, seven, and six, respectively. Strawberry comes next, although he may have to put it lower once he gets a second sip. It is a bit too much. Grapefruit is a solid number four, followed directly by pomegranate. He takes another sip of the green grape and lychee flavors to come down with his decision: lychee is his favorite.
The sound of clinking glasses and loud conversation takes over the room as Jisung sits on the edge of the couch, curled up with a full glass of his newest favorite drink. They have been at it for a while, and it is noticeable that people are getting more affected by the amount of alcohol they have been drinking with every passing moment.
Chan’s ears and neck are red, and he is more touchy than normal, resting his head on Minho’s shoulder, who seems a bit too composed for someone who is on his… fifth? Sixth beer? Jisung is not sure anymore; he lost count after a while. Changbin is so loud that Jisung wonders how his throat is not hurting by this point. Jeongin is lying on Seungmin’s lap, poking his stomach every few seconds, to which the latter answers with a bark. Felix is sitting on the other side of the couch, pressing a pillow against his chest while Hyunjin holds the bottle of pomegranate soju they’ve been sharing among themselves.
“Can we play a game?” Felix asks, his voice an octave higher than usual, “We should play Monopoly.”
“We should not play Monopoly,” Changbin argues, voice slightly slurred, “I will have to smother Kim Seungmin if he wins even drunk.”
“Broke bitch,” Seungmin retorts before drinking more of his beer mixed with non-flavored soju and adding, “Sorry. Broke bitch-hyung.”
“We could watch a movie?” Jeongin suggests, and Jisung snorts.
“Two minutes into the movie and I’ll be out cold.”
“Oh! We can play this game, Yeji showed me a while ago.” Hyunjin practically drops to the ground, crawling to the center table to get his phone. “It’s on a website. Is it a website? It doesn’t matter. It is called Drunken Pirate, and it basically comes up with things for us to do or questions for us to answer. If you refuse, you drink!”
“Or you can just pass your turn,” Chan chimes in, although he doesn’t sound very convincing when he is rubbing his cheek against Minho’s shoulder. He should stop doing that, Jisung thinks.
“No, you drink,” Jeoning laughs, excited to contradict their leader. “We have the weekend off, hyung. What is the worst that can happen?”
“Fine, but I want everyone to delete Kakaotalk, bubble, and any other social media off their phones for the night,” Chan mumbles, a silly smile on his face that Jisung wants to wipe off. He doesn’t have to be so clingy with Minho when lecturing them. “No accidental messages to stay. And no messaging or calling the managers. I don’t want to hear anything about this at the company.”
Forcing himself to look away from his leader, who is still rubbing his face on Minho’s shoulder (what is he? Itchy?!), Jisung takes his phone out of his pocket and deletes the apps. Hyunjin is already talking about things he probably shouldn’t say. Like the things Yeji told him about the last time she and the girls played the game. They got so drunk that Ryunjin had to wear sunglasses indoors the next day, so as not to hurt her eyes with the light and not to cause too big a ruckus because of the hangover face. Jisung finally understands what happened that day, and why Yuna kept giggling as they walked down the company’s hallways between practice and conference rooms.
Not that Jisung knows what hangovers feel like; it is his first time drinking in months. But he is certain that it is uncomfortable based on the look on Hyunjin’s, Felix’s, and Seungmin’s faces after their joint 00s celebration in September. But he has to admit, he doesn’t feel confident that he will remain ignorant for too long. It might be because of how tasty lychee soju is, which no one else seems to be drinking for some reason. More likely because he is drinking a bit too fast to have something to do other than stare at where the two oldest members are sitting
“Everyone ready?” Hyunjin asks with a grin.
Despite himself, Jisung is excited when everyone sits straighter than before, all looking at Hyunjin, excited for the game. Chan sits up, finally detangling himself from Minho, and that, too, helps Jisung brighten up even more.
“It will work like this: I’ll keep the phone on me and read the ch-”
“No, give it to me,” Seungmin interrupts Hyunjin. “I don’t trust any of you to read well when drunk.”
“Fine. Seungmin will keep the phone and read the challenges. Minnie, please type all of our names in the players' section; that is how we will be selected. Then, it will basically call on us like… I don’t know, ‘Hyunjin, take two shots’ or something like that.”
“Are all the questions like that?” Changbin asks, tapping on his can of beer.
“No idea, Yeji said that they are random.” Hyunjin giggles. “Ok, fingers crossed that the birthday boy is first.”
The room freezes in anticipation, and Jisung laughs on his own, too jittery to stay silent. Because Seungmin is sitting in front of the couch, Hyunjin, Felix, and Jisung, who are sitting on it, and Jeongin, who is next to Seungmin on the floor, can all see the phone, unlike the three older members. They are sitting across the table, leaning against the wall.
“Seungmin,” the boy reads his own name and groans. “Switch cups with a person of your choice. Easy. Changbin-hyung.”
“That’s not fun,” Felix whines. “You two are drinking the same beer.”
“Hate the game, Lixie,” Changbin laughs, “Not the player.”
Jisung feels his heartbeat increase as he watches Seungmin press the play button again, both excited and terrified that he will be chosen next. But round after round, he is yet to be selected. Felix had to take a shot, and Jeongin had to rank them in order of most to least handsome, which caused some commotion. Hyunjin thought it was unfair that the youngest put himself first, so, in the form of protest, Jeongin placed Hyunjin in last place for giving his opinion when he wasn’t asked. Chan has to give his phone to someone for two minutes with all passwords, which leads to Jisung finding some questionable pictures in a locked folder - he didn’t need to know that his leader has a collection of colorful handcuffs.
After the traumatizing experience with Chan’s phone, Jisung laughs at Seungmin choosing Changbin as the most likely to cry when drunk, with the excuse that he is the only one who cries when he is happy. Then, Hyunjin has to choose someone to do a love shot with, and Felix doesn’t even let him move off the couch, tangling their arms together and clumsily drinking more soju. Minho has to sit in someone’s lap, and Jisung’s heart skips a beat as the older barely flickers his eyes over him and he takes a drink, refusing to do so.
By the time he is finally selected, Jisung feels like he has refilled his glass five times. His hands start sweating as Seungmin reads aloud after a moment of suspense:
“Jisung… take a shot. Boring.”
A mix of relief and disappointment washes over him as he takes the small glass Hyunjin passes him with a different flavor of soju and downs it in one go. Maybe it is a good thing that his first challenge wasn’t that bad; he can relax now that he knows what it feels like to have all seven of his best friends staring at him in wait. The next time he is selected might not be as scary anymore. A whistle cuts the air, and Jisung looks at Minho, who has a water bottle in his hand, bouncing it twice before carefully throwing it to Jisung, who, surprisingly, catches the black bottle and takes a sip. His stomach feels weird as he swallows, washing the artificial taste of apple from his mouth.
“Bang Chan!’ Seungmin calls out to the room with a teasing tone, “Tell us a secret about the player on your left.”
“That’s not fair!” Changbin protests, “Why do I have to suffer if the turn is Chan-hyung’s?”
“What was it that you said?” Felix asks, feigning sweetness, “‘Hate the game. Not the player’? Sounds like you should listen to your own advice, hyung.”
Changbin grumbles for a second while Chan stares ahead at the table, deep in thought. The eight of them know each other well enough for it to be difficult to find a secret-secret. Besides, Jisung is positive that there is nothing he doesn’t know about his fellow producers; they spend too much time together not to know each other completely. But then he sees it: Chan’s face gets redder and Changbin clears his throat, almost as if he already knows what’s coming.”
“Well,” Chan breaks his silence, “Changbin-ah and I made out once.”
The room is perfectly quiet for a second before it erupts into chaos. Felix screams so loud that Jisund almost jumps out of his seat with the sound. Between shushes from Chan and Changbin, Hyunjin starts practically hyperventilating, while repeating: “that is so hot ”. He’s definitely wasted. Seungmin shudders from where he is sitting on the floor, and the forced gag Jeoning lets out is still audible through the chaos. Minho seems to be perfectly calm, like he already knew, giggling as he watches the scene unfold.
And Jisung is frozen, staring at Changbin and Chan. He feels like he is sober, immediately reaching for the table to leave his glass there, still full. While he knows that he drank enough for it to affect him for a while longer, learning that there are secrets between the three of them is like being forced awake. For the years they’ve known each other, Jisung has only hidden one thing about himself; aside from it, he shares all the best and worst parts of himself. Chan was the first person he ever came out to, and Changbin was the second. Jisung knows that their dating ban is only up at the end of the year, but he guessed that it applied to dating between the group as well.
“What the fuck?” Jisung finally speaks, and that makes Chan even redder. “Are you two dating?!”
“Jesus, Jisung.” Changbin shakes his head. “Hyung said we made out once, not that we are in love and getting married in the spring.”
“When? Where? How?” Felix asks, detangling himself from Hyunjin, “Was Channie-hyung shirtless? Were you shirtless?”
“Why would you paint this picture in my mind?” Jeongin groans loudly, and Chan interrupts them.
“Yah! Calm down!” Chan looks like a tomato. Jisung wonders if he should tell their leader to calm down. He looks like he is about to explode. “It happened once last year. We were at the studio working on the re-recorded tracks, and we were just… overwhelmed.”
“No one was shirtless,” Changbin adds, looking at Felix pointedly. “Hyung looked stressed, and I asked if there was anything that I could do to help, and you know. Hyung is touchy.”
Seungmin gags, “You kissed Chan-hyung as some sort of twisted favor? You are both disgusting.”
“That is not what happened! Damn it, Bin-ah,” Chan sighs. “I asked him if he could massage my shoulder; that is all. And then I think I laid down because my lower back was killing me. Then we just laid on the floor for a while, talking. Until we turned to face each other.”
“Gross, don’t finish it.”
“Shut up, Innie. Please tell us every detail.”
“Hyunjin…”
“Sorry, Channie-hyung.”
“Then we just kind of kissed,” Changbin finishes, “For a little bit. Then we went back to work.”
Jisung feels slightly better knowing the full story, but not completely satisfied, thinking that he should have known anyway. Felix is still asking for more details: which studio? How was it? Who initiated it? And the two refuse to answer another question. Discreetly, Jisung looks at Minho, who hasn’t said a word but looks rather comfortable. Has Minho kissed someone in the group, too? He is sure that no one would have said no if he had initiated; how could anyone say no to someone like him? But he tries to calm himself. Everyone else seemed too shocked for that to have been possible. Maybe Minho has kissed Chan. Or Changbin. Or both.
His stomach hurts, and he looks at his legs, feeling his face heat up. No. He can’t think about that.
“How is it fair?” Hyunjin whines, “I haven’t even had my first kiss, but the older members are out there kissing each other?”
“That’s right!” Felix agrees, “Unacceptable.”
“Minho-hyung and Chan-hyung kissed too,” Changbin adds slyly, raising his glass to take another sip. Jisung’s stomach hurts.
“Shut up, Bin-ah,” Chan groans. “You also kissed Minho-yah. He was your first kiss.”
Jisung wishes he never had a drink or sat down to play this game. He was happy living with the blissful ignorance of who Minho had kissed - it was enough that he knew his hyung had kissed before. Full stop.
“This is completely disrespectful,” Felix scoffs. “You guys know I like kisses! How can you not include me in this?!”
“I am hurt,” Hyunjin chimes in, “Unconsolable, really.”
“I can show you if you want,” that is the first thing Minho says since Chan’s confession, and Jisung feels the fleeting weight of his hyung’s eyes on him.
With wide eyes, Jisung freezes in place as his entire body burns up. Did he hear it right? Is Minho offering himself to be people’s first kiss? Or was it just for Felix and Hyunjin? What if Jisung asked if he could try it too, and everyone laughed at him? Or worse. What if everyone found out that he likes Minho in a way that he shouldn’t? But he shouldn’t be blamed for it. They are soulmates; how could anyone expect him not to love his other half?
“Do you mean it, hyung?” Felix asks.
“Sure,” Minho shrugs, “It’s not a big deal.”
Jisung watches, heart in his throat, as Felix trips on his feet, stumbling to reach Minho, who is sitting down, legs crossed and back leaning against the wall. He sinks onto the older’s right leg, leaning in for a kiss immediately, only to be halted by Minho.
A pained noise almost escapes Jisung as he watches his Minho-hyung grab Felix by the jaw, stilling him for a second before smiling, “You are going too fast, Yongbok-ah. Remember to be gentle. Enjoy the moment just before the kiss, too.”
Unable to tear his eyes from the scene in front of him, Jisung adjusts himself, sitting straighter than ever before, his throat dry and hands shaking as if Minho’s hands were on him. When the older tilts his head to the right and sneaks his hand on Felix’s back, he feels the ghost of a touch on him, sighing quietly. Then, he sees the exact moment when Minho closes his eyes and goes in for a kiss.
It takes everything in him not to freak out, not to tell them to stop. He doesn’t even know if he wants that. Sure, Jisung would rather be the one kissing Minho; he would rather be the only one allowed to sit on the older’s lap, but he can’t stop the strange feeling in his gut that tells him he is enjoying the scene in front of him.
Swallowing dryly, he looks around to find Hyunjin at the edge of his seat, almost as if he is trying to join in. Seungmin scoffs and stands up, followed by Jeongin, who mutters quietly that he can’t believe this is happening. Me neither. Jisung thinks to himself before looking over at Changbin, who is smirking at Hyunjin in front of him, too focused to notice the attention on him - shameless. Absolutely shameless. And then there is Chan, sitting too close to Minho, eyes focused on the two kissing next to him, drinking in everything; their lips, their hands, their intertwined legs.
The kiss goes on for a moment too long, if anyone cared for Jisung’s opinion. But those still in the living room seem perfectly satisfied with their predicament. Hyunjin whines quietly when Minho pulls away, and Felix trails after him for a second before he notices the smirk on the older’s face. Jisung feels like he is going to pass out when, with his eyes half-lidded, Minho touches Felix’s jaw again and nods toward Chan.
Their leader is visibly flustered with his mouth agape and face red, but he is still ready when Felix leans in, pressing their lips together. Minho caresses Felix’s back while he speaks to the younger, quiet enough that it doesn’t reach Jisung. But he wants to know. Desperately. He wants to know what it is like to kiss Minho; he wants to feel his touch and hear what kinds of things he says in a moment so intimate. He wants to rest on his lap and feel comfortable. And like his hyung can feel his gaze, Minho turns to Jisung, who keeps eye contact for a fraction of a second before looking away.
“Hyunjin-ah,” Minho calls out instead, his voice sly and inviting, and Jisung’s heart sinks.
He looks at Hyunjin just in time to catch him practically running to where Minho is sitting, witnessing the older lift Felix from his lap (is Minho strong enough to lift Jisung like that, too?), placing him carefully on Chan’s before he smiles. Unlike how it was with Minho, Chan pulls Felix down hastily, almost in a rush, with how he holds the younger’s back, fingers digging into the cream sweater. The younger makes a pleased sound in response. Jisung gulps before his eyes focus back on Minho and his pretty smile. His heartbeat picks up, reverberating through his entire body.
In contrast to Felix, Hyunjin looks at Minho for a second before he straddles the older, sitting in the gap between his bent knees. Jisung’s jaw drops, and he can’t hear anything over the blood rushing through his ears as Hyunjin leans closer and closer before kissing Minho.
A broken sound escapes him, and Jisung blushes when he realizes Changbin is watching him carefully, not a hint of the earlier smirk in sight. It is embarrassing. Jisung wants to disappear. But he can’t look away, watching the two most beautiful men he has ever seen in his life kiss each other. Minho tangles his fingers between Hyunjin’s hair and Jisung doesn’t think he will make it to the end of the night.
He desperately wants to kiss Minho. But he doesn’t want it to be like this; he doesn’t want their first kiss to be in the middle of the living room, with everyone around, and after the older kissed other people. The problem is that he wants his soulmate to be his first kiss; he wants to have this experience, too. Jisung struggles with the want for something he can have against what he needs for himself. His first kiss will forever be his first kiss. It has to be Minho. Will Jisung ever have another chance like this? He has to take it.
“You know what?” Changbin stretches his arms above his head, flexing casually with a smirk. “I’m starting to feel a bit left out.”
Felix breaks his kiss, eyes dazed, as he holds onto Chan’s shoulders. He smiles, quickly standing up from the leader’s lap before Hyunjin hears the commotion and pecks Minho one more time before following suit. It makes Jisung forget himself for a bit: for someone who is often playing off Changbin’s affection, Hyunjin is very quick to want all of his attention as soon as it is on someone else.
Chan watches Felix for a moment, who seems deep in thought at the sight of Hyunjin now kissing Changbin. Then, he looks ahead at the kitchen and the leader seems to know what he is going to do before the younger even moves, “Felix, no,” the younger grins mischievously, “Felix, yes,” mid-sprint to the next room, Felix picks up a pillow from the couch and throws it at the leader who is quick to follow him after ducking. Jisung stares at the two in confusion before he hears Seungmin screech from the other room, finally understanding his twin’s goal: Felix is about to make rounds on everyone.
He would pay to see the look on Seungmin’s face, trying to feign annoyance during the constant touching without doing anything to end his “torture”, never saying no to it. Jeongin wouldn’t even fight the kiss because it is Felix, and everyone knows that the youngest never fights anything that comes from him. Although if Jisung had to bet, Felix wouldn’t take more than a peck out of each. Free from his thoughts of Minho for a moment, Jisung taps on the soft fabric of the couch, his fingers trembling slightly. The living room is much quieter; the only noticeable sounds are Hyunjin’s occasional giggles and Changbin’s mumbles - no one has to hear what he says to know that he is showering the boy on his lap with compliments. Jisung chuckles and cracks his fingers.
“Jisungie,” a soft and alluring voice calls out to him.
For the first time, Jisung feels Minho’s focus is solely on him. Aside from the grossly distracted duo sitting further to the right, close to the front door, they are alone. With eyes wide and throat dry, Jisung locks eyes with his soulmate, finding a strange glint in his eyes. It’s different than anything he has seen before; it makes him nervous. It’s not quite the same way he is nervous when they are watching a movie together and Minho snuggles a bit closer to him, or when they have a day off and the older lays on top of Jisung so he has to move. It feels more…
“Do you want to try, Jisungie?” Minho asks again, leaning against the wall, “You don’t have to if you don’t want to.”
“I do,” Jisung whispers, and he is not sure that it reaches the older boy, so he stands on his trembling legs and replies, louder, “I really want to.”
As fast as his unsteady legs allow him to, Jisung makes his way to Minho. He thinks that maybe he should have another shot of soju for some courage, but now the only direction he can go is forward, getting closer than ever to the thing he has always wanted the most. Minho’s lips are already red, which he tries not to pay too much attention to, despite how painfully his heart clenches at the awareness. But they fall slightly open as he watches Jisung sit in front of him, different from Hyunjin and Felix.
“Have you ever kissed anyone?” Minho asks quietly, and Jisung is startled when Hyunjin cackles. With a brief look to his right, he sees Changbin carry the taller man in his arms, wobbling awkwardly to the hallway. Like a magnet, he turns back to his soulmate.
“No,” Jisung whispers, too scared to break the moment, too aware that they are alone in the living room now and he’s a second away from making a decision that he can never take back. Despite the loud noises in other rooms, of Chan telling Felix to calm down for a second, followed by Hyunjin protesting over something and Changbin laughing, to Jisung, it’s just him and Minho in the world.
“Do you really want to?” his soulmate asks, eyeing him carefully, “Just because Lixie and Jinnie did it, it doesn’t mean that you have to as well.”
“I know that. But…” Jisung clears his throat and looks at Minho’s lips. “It would be good to have my first kiss with someone I trust, right?”
“Oh, yeah,” Minho nods, scratching the back of his neck, “That’s right.”
“And I trust you.”
Minho breathes out shakily, his eyes slightly wider, “You do.”
“Can you?” Jisung starts and chokes on his words, “I mean, would you kiss me, hyung?”
Minho hums lightly, a small smile on the corner of his bruised lips, and Jisung struggles between the joy of making his hyung happy and the sadness of knowing that it doesn’t mean anything to him. He closes his eyes before Minho even leans in, unable to keep eye contact, knowing that his life will never be the same. A second later, he feels a gentle touch on his hair, and he shivers. Once he leans against it with delight, the touch grows firmer to hold his weight.
“Of course I would, Jisung-ah,” Jisung hears Minho whisper, “I am glad you asked.”
Time stops for Jisung the moment he feels Minho’s plush and soft lips against his. It is like he melts into the touch and becomes something else; there are no worries, no hesitation, only the feeling that this is right. The kiss is delicate, exactly what he had always wanted but never had the guts to wish for. But Minho doesn’t press further; instead, he pulls away, and Jisung is too scared to lean in again, to make a fool of himself. Choosing the safe path, he searches for Minho’s big eyes and finds them focused on him, from closer than ever before.
Unsure if it is the soju or the kiss, Jisung presses his fingers on his knees, trying to fight the dizziness overtaking him, forcing himself to keep his eyes open. Minho keeps his hand on the younger’s hair, caressing it lightly.
“Good?” he asks, and Jisung nods. “Feeling alright?” the younger nods again, slower this time. “Want another one?”
Caught by surprise, Jisung’s mind spins, preventing him from thinking of coherent words. Would Minho kiss him again? Would he do it the same as he did with the others? Frankly, Jisung is not entirely sure that he would survive if Minho pulled him on his lap and kissed him the way he did Hyunjin or-
“Your turn, Sungie,” Felix’s voice snaps him out of his thoughts, and then things move too quickly.
One second, he is still in front of Minho, their knees touching, and the older’s hand playing with his hair. The next, he is lying on his back with Felix straddling him with a big smile; his pink hair seems lighter under the bright ceiling light, and he stops for a moment, hovering over Jisung. “Can I kiss you, too? Only you left, and then I will have claimed all of the stray kids.”
“Uh,” Jisung glances at Minho, who is smiling, albeit differently than he was earlier. He gulps once before looking back at Felix. Would it be weird to refuse only to keep the memory of kissing Minho that night more special? Probably. But kissing Felix sounds fun too, just in a different way. And he looks so hopeful. Jisung smiles and nods, “Go for it.”
It is completely different than kissing Minho.
Felix is more assertive and intense from the get-go. Jisung is not entirely sure what to do with his hands, so he copies what Hyunjin did with Changbin earlier, wrapping them around the other man’s neck. It is nice, it’s pleasant, but it is not… breathtaking or right. It doesn’t take his mind off how much he notices Minho to his right, still sitting there, and that Chan is there, too. Even if it’s not perfect, it is nice enough, so when Felix gently pushes his tongue into his mouth, Jisung starts to open up, until he feels the other's weight pulled off him.
“That’s enough, now,” Chan directs. “Lixie, you kissed everyone. Good job. Now, come here. We are washing up and going to bed.”
Jisung lies there, staring at the ceiling, when Felix giggles as Chan carries him down the hallway. His heartbeat is steady, far more than he had expected. But then he looks over to his right and finds Minho’s gaze; his hyung hasn’t moved at all, as if he had been glued to the floor. That makes his heart pick up again. The glint Jisung could have sworn he saw earlier is long gone, and there is a certain hardness to Minho that he is unfamiliar with.
“C’mon, Sung-ah,” Minho calls for him. “Let’s get you some more water.”
“Okay.”
In the blink of an eye, Minho is standing in front of him, reaching out his hand as leverage so Jisung can stand up. He gladly takes the help, although he has to admit that the older does most of the work to get him on his feet. He feels the lingering effects of the alcohol once he’s upright: a weakness in his knees and a slightly upset stomach. But nothing is spinning, which should be a sign that he is not fully drunk. It is a double-edged knife; he wants to be drunk enough to have a way to justify his behavior to the others the next morning. He wants to be fully sober to never forget what Minho’s lips feel like.
They walk together to the kitchen and find Jeongin and Seungmin sharing a bag of chips, neither paying too much attention to them, which Jisung is thankful for. Minho serves him a glass of water which he finishes in one go, only then realizing how dry his throat is. By the time he is done, his hyung already has another one in hand, ready to give it to him. Jisung drinks the second one slower, and it is enough time for Minho to fill a tall water bottle and talk quietly with Jeongin, who nods without a word.
Before Jisung can question the older, Minho leads him to the bathroom, squeezes some paste on his toothbrush, and hands it to him with a soft smile. Softer than the last one. Jisung finally relaxes a bit, gladly accepting the way Minho is choosing to take care of him. This is comfortable, something that they have done before: standing side by side, brushing their teeth, and looking at each other through the mirror.
“Ready to go to bed?” Minho asks, training his finger through Jisung’s hair again, making him feel wide awake.
“No,” Jisung mumbles, looking at the way Minho’s lips twitch for a second as if he is trying to fight a smile. His whole body buzzes at the sight, and he has to fight a frown, not wanting to look childish in the older’s eyes. Jisung doesn’t want to go to bed; he doesn’t want tonight to ever end. What he truly wants is to go back into the living room, back to…
“Such a shame, Han Jisung,” his hyung mutters, “You should listen to your elders.”
“You can’t make me go to bed.” Jisung looks away, his body tensing up at the awareness that it doesn’t matter what he wants; Minho is putting a stop to everything, telling him to just accept that whatever happened in the living room was a fleeting moment. His stiff body softens against his will when the older caresses his lower back and guides him out of the bathroom, down to his room, still entirely weak for Minho’s touch. Dejected, he sighs, “Fine…”
“Don’t worry, Jisung-ah,” Minho giggles, “You trust hyung, don’t you?”
He is thankful that the older is guiding him because Jisung loses all of his strength in one second. It can mean nothing, or it can be everything. Because there is no one in the world Jisung trusts more than Minho, and he had said it himself earlier. Sitting on the floor of the living room. Knees touching and voices quiet. Did he say that on purpose? Is he teasing Jisung for the way he asked Minho to kiss him because of his trust? Embarrassment burns in Jisung’s chest, and he looks down at his feet when the older turns on the light in his room.
Suddenly, the night can’t end fast enough, so Jisung jumps on his bed and covers himself up to his head, glad that it’s still winter, so it is comfortable enough for him to hide under his big comforters.
“Jisung-ah.” his bed dips slightly, and Minho’s voice sounds close. “Can you look at me?”
He wants to be petulant and hide further, to ignore the older until he can see through the blankets how the room is dark and there is no one else in his bed. But Jisung is weak, and he can’t forget the way it felt to kiss Minho; the gentle touch, the soft lips, and the overwhelming feeling of belonging. Jisung can’t fight against his desperate need to please his soulmate. Begrudgingly, he loosens his hold on the comforter and peeks out, finding Minho smiling kindly at him.
“Hi, there.”
“Hi.” Jisung’s voice is small.
“Are you feeling alright?” Minho asks, his hands reaching for the comforter to pull it further down before he grazes his fingers over Jisung’s forehead, softly pushing away a few loose strands and leaving goosebumps behind in their wake.
“Yes, hyung. Don’t worry.”
“Hm,” Minho raises an eyebrow. “You don’t sound alright, though. What happened? Is Felix a bad kisser?”
“You should know.”
“What?” Minho tries to make eye contact, but Jisung closes his eyes. “Jisung, talk to me, please?”
It didn’t mean anything to you. Jisung mumbles, and he is sure that Minho doesn’t understand him; his voice is barely audible.
“What?” Minho echoes, and that pushes Jisung to sit up, finally at eye level with the older.
“It didn’t mean anything to you,” he repeats, more clearly. “We kissed and it didn’t mean anything to you. I mean, I know that you started it just to show us what it is like to kiss someone but I thought… I mean, it is different for me.”
Minho keeps looking at him, eyes wide and lips parted, without answering. It makes Jisung’s body shake and his heart race in a way it only does for the older. He clears his throat and looks at his hyung, “It is different for me. You. You didn’t kiss me like you kissed them, it is like you were. I don’t know. It’s like you were stopping halfway; like a peck was enough. I just. It is different for me, I wanted to be kissing you and no one else. But to you… It was just another person, another kiss. And it doesn’t matter that I am me. Just. It hurt me when you asked me if I wanted more only to later just tell me to go to sleep. It is not fair to do that.”
“Jisung-ah…”
“You knew it was different for me.”
“Sungie,” Minho reaches for his hand, but he looks away, “How can I know that it’s different for you if you don’t tell me? How can I know if what we want is the same thing? If you feel something, if you want something, you have to talk about it, you can’t wait for people to figure it out on their own. It is scary to do that, I know. It’s just that no one can read your mind. Not even me.”
Minho stops for a moment, waiting for a reaction, but Jisung remains silent, “It is different for me, too, Jisung-ah,” he admits, hands carefully holding the younger by the cheeks, “Of course, it is different. Didn’t you notice? That I was slower with you? That we took our time? Lixie and Hyune only wanted a kiss, to try something they never had done. There was no need to make it anything more than it was: a single kiss. That didn’t mean anything to me. Hyung has had quite a few meaningless kisses over the years but with you…”
“With me?” Jisung asks in a whisper, the seed of hope from earlier growing in his chest.
“Well,” Minho smiles shyly, “I didn’t think it was just your first kiss; it was ours.”
Ours. Jisung’s body lights up in flames at the thought. His heart races and there is something heavy all over him that makes his stomach feel weird - not exactly like he felt when he drank beer, but stronger. Sharing a first kiss, something for the two of them, something special. Just like Minho is to him.
“Does it make sense?” Minho asks, his voice unsure, “Hyung took his time because he wanted it to be special.”
“Hyung, can I ask you again?” Jisung whispers, thinking back to their shared moment in the living room, thinking about what Minho said earlier about how no one can read his mind.
“Ask me what?” Minho whispers back, moving slightly closer, something about his voice makes Jisung feel braver. It sounds as if the older is hopeful for something as well.
“Would you kiss me one more time? Please?”
Minho gasps softly, but it echoes in the silent room, catching Jisung’s attention. They lock eyes and Jisung sees it there; the glint from earlier. “Sungie, I’ve been waiting for you to ask that,” he confesses.
“Really?” Jisung asks, his voice quiet.
“Mhm,” the older hums, thumb drawing circles on the younger’s cheek, “I’ve been waiting for a while. Even before tonight.”
Minho leans in and it happens again: everything falls into place. Unlike the first time, Jisung moves his hand to the older’s arms and holds his shoulders for a second, before Minho moves closer. This time around, the kiss is firmer, and it only takes him a second to settle into the new rhythm, for Jisung to open up and notice that their lips slot perfectly together. It is different than the first time; Jisung is not scared anymore, not even when Minho deepens the kiss.
They are kissing. Again. Because Jisung wanted it enough to ask for it, because Minho himself had longed for it too.
It feels good, a wave of glee washing over his body as Jisung relaxes in Minho’s hold, delighted with the way the older moves his hands to his waist and pulls him closer. Jisung doesn’t care that the angle is a bit awkward, with one of his legs half bent and the other straight on the bed. He doesn’t care that his hands shake as he hesitantly runs his fingers through the older’s hair. It doesn’t have to be perfect for it to be special; it is enough if it’s theirs.
Carefully, Minho breaks the kiss, pecking Jisung’s lips twice, then his cheek before finally making eye contact. The glint is still there, dancing in his pretty round eyes and it makes Jisung’s heart flutter.
“So,” he whispers in the quiet room, looking at Minho’s red lips. Jisung’s are probably bruised too; now it is something only theirs. “Does this mean that I am special?”
He feels foolish to ask, not to take his hyung’s actions as confirmations of things. The members always talk about how Minho shows his affection differently, never relying on words. But Jisung’s heart is beating too fast, and he doesn’t feel in control of his body which shivers between the bursts of heat and cold with the gentle touch of Minho’s fingers on his hands.
“You’re special,” Minho agrees with a soft smile, giving Jisung’s heart exactly what it needs: assurance.
Jisung smiles back and takes initiative for the first time, kissing the older briefly - soft and fleeting, to match the tenderness of Minho’s words. The older squeezes his hand and Jisung lies back down, his stomach swirling around in the best way possible and his heart beating to what could be his newest favorite song. Minho giggles softly and pokes him on the side, and Jisung lies on the bed, pulling the older with him so as not to let go. They do that often, lying side by side in bed, when they watch videos and movies together and it is one of the things Jisung likes the most. This time is even nicer when MInho wraps his arm around the younger.
“Are you going to sleep here, hyung?”
Minho hums softly, but Jisung hears the trembling in his exhale. He wonders if his hyung is nervous, too. “The bed is small, and I move too much.”
“I don’t mind. As long as I can have you close,” Jisung whispers, wanting to be the reassuring one this time.
“You’ll always have me close,” Minho assures quietly, “Innie will come back soon.”
Jisung laughs and presses his head against Minho’s shoulder; there is a small feeling of victory in his chest. He knows that Minho rarely says no to him, but it is nice to see it play out after knowing that his feelings are not one-sided. It is heartwarming to know that Minho says yes to him because he likes Jisung, not because he feels an obligation to do so.
“Then stay here for a little longer.”
“Okay, Sung-ah.” he can hear the smile in Minho’s soft voice. “Hyung will stay a while longer.”
It’s true that Minho is always close to him. Even if they are not physically close, he always feels his hyung’s presence in his heart, a warm reminder that he doesn’t have to worry about being alone. Nevertheless, he can’t help but hope that after tonight he’ll be allowed to have Minho just like this; pressed up against him, closer like has always wanted.
They will talk about it. About them, about the members. Jisung will make sure to tell Felix, Hyunjin, Chan, and Changbin too not to kiss Minho again - once was enough and they can kiss each other if they want to practice. They will also have to talk to Chan and figure out how to move forward because Jisung won’t go back now that he knows what it is like to fit in Minho’s arms in the way he dreamed about, now that he knows that his hyung feels similarly to him.
Ultimately, regardless of what happens after tonight, Jisung is certain of one thing: every moment is special as long as they are together.