Chapter Text
1. The fool
“Which card will you choose?” The woman asks, voice ringing around them in the open space.
Buck takes a minute to analyse his choices. The back room’s dingy lightning doesn’t really allow him to take in much detail on the spread-out cards, which he guesses is the whole point. The deck is decorated with intricate flower designs drawn in a sort of gold ink that almost shines in the dark, but there’s nothing to indicate Buck should feel a connection to them, like Mel said he would.
After a moment of consideration, he turns his gaze upward. He can tell she’s amused, even with her face obscured by burning incense.
“How do you even feel connected to a card?” he asks, voice soft as to not disturb the quiet. Mel appears to consider this.
“Where does your eye get drawn to? Where does your hand want to land?” She answers, “Do you really need to ask, or do you just not like your choices?”
Buck huffs, mouth quirking upward.
“You’re teasing me,” he guesses.
“You’re the one who wants to know,” she quips.
Buck reluctantly turns his gaze downward, running his fingertips against the edges of the table. The cards don’t speak to him like they should.
“It sounds troublesome, doesn’t it? The whole ordeal,” Mel muses, her own hands still as death.
“But here I am,” Buck says, tiredness seeping into his voice.
“Indeed you are.”
Buck sighs, allowing his eyes to slip shut. He doesn’t really feel anything different than unusual. The smell of burning herbs helps set the mood somewhat, but still...
“What do you want to see?” Mel asks, like Buck hasn’t told her that already. Her voice seems miles away.
Buck resists the urge to groan out loud. Maybe he isn’t cut out for this, or maybe he’s just doing something wrong but...
“Pay attention, Evan...“
...Although, if he listens closely, there is something... A whisper, or maybe a howl, way in the back of his mind.
Something his grandmother used to tell him, before she forgot who he was in her old age.
“...a fool's journey, a lover’s errand...“
“They’re out of order,” he realises, eyes opening for the first time in what feels like ages. Mel looks nonplussed at his discovery.
“They are,” she confirms, not giving anything away.
Buck smiles slightly, placing his hands on the cards for the first time. Suddenly, he knows where his fingers should rest, knows where his future lies and which cards to pick.
“I’m ready,” Buck says.
He flips the first card.
==//==
A herbal bath is usually something Buck reserves for dire occasions. This particular morning, however, it’s exactly what’s been prescribed to him by Mel.
“...basil, rose, oat flakes...“
Buck follows the instructions precisely, diligently pouring the ingredients into the warm water, watching the way the herbs seep into the bath. He runs his fingers over the edge while the tub fills, thinking of nothing in particular as his mind wanders.
“...cinnamon, thyme, star anise...“
It kind of feels like he’s preparing the world’s strangest soup broth, Buck muses. It also smells rather nice. He takes in deep breaths, appreciating the scent.
“...half a cup of milk...“
By the time Buck actually gets in the tub, he’s already feeling much more relaxed. He hadn’t realised it, but a weight had settled on his shoulders after his reading the night prior. All the possible meanings to his discoveries had been spinning in circles around his head, even though Mel had told him not to let them.
Now, though... He feels more settled. Calm. Like he can maybe, possibly, deal with his current situation and the uncertainty of his future. Which is why Buck doesn’t flinch when, later on that day, he receives a text for the first time in a week and knows exactly who it’s from. It’s why his fingers don’t shake as he types out a response, and it’s also why his resolution doesn’t falter when he gets out of his house, locking it behind him.
Eddie’s car is already outside, waiting.
Buck opens the door, and gets in.
==//==
They’ve been driving around for five minutes by the time one of them says anything.
“What scent is that? It’s nice,” Eddie says, breaking the silence. Buck kind of wishes he hadn’t.
“It’s rose, basil, cinnamon, star anise...“ Buck prattles off, twisting his fingers together where they rest on his lap, “Plus some other stuff.”
“Wow,” Eddie raises an eyebrow, briefly turning away from the road to look at him. “New perfume?”
“No, it’s...“ Buck falters, but carries on, “a herbal bath thingy.”
“Herbal, like...?”
“My tarot reader prescribed it to me,” Buck confirms, pursing his lips. “For relaxation.”
He can taste Eddie’s surprise in the couple seconds it takes for him to formulate a reply.
“Well... It smells nice,” is what he apparently settles on.
Buck huffs, amused.
“Thanks,” he says. Eddie nods.
“No problem.”
They both cringe as the silence stretches on again, with only the sound of the blinker for company. Eddie is quick to remedy that.
“Listen, Buck...“ he falters, licking his lips. Buck tries not to stare.
“We don’t have to do this, Eddie,” he interrupts instead. He tries to switch topics, gaze turning forward. “Where are we going?”
“No, don’t...“ Eddie groans. “We’re not ignoring this, Buck.”
“Well,” Buck frowns. “I think I have the right to know where we’re going.”
“That’s not what I meant and you know it,” Eddie says peevishly.
“It’s fine, Eddie,” Buck says, exasperated, risking a quick glance at the other man. He looks annoyed.
“Is it?”
“Do you want me to tell you it’s not?” Buck quips.
“No!” Eddie says, voice raising. “Yes! I don’t know!”
Buck eyes the way his grip tightens against the steering wheel. His heart speeds up, and he forces himself to take a deep breath.
“This isn’t an argument,” Buck replies. “You just want me to punish you so you don’t have to feel guilty.”
“That’s not true,” Eddie says, wincing. Buck scoffs.
“Sure it isn’t,” he says. Before Eddie can reply, he continues, “I’m not going to yell at you, Eddie. Even if it’s what you want.”
“That’s not—!” Eddie pauses, takes a second. They reach a red light. “Buck,” he says, tone even, “that’s not what I’m asking, here.”
“What do you want, then?”
“I want—” Eddie stutters. “I just want to know if you’re okay,” he finishes lamely.
Buck does his best to seem unaffected, but his fingers tremble. He hides his hands underneath his thighs before Eddie can see. The light turns green.
“I’m great,” Buck says, sardonic. “Just, you know, dealing with the aftermath of being lied to.”
Eddie visibly recoils at the jab.
“Is that what you expected to hear?” Buck asks, picking up wind. “Do I have to tell you I’ve been crying myself to sleep? That I can barely eat? Is that it?”
“What? No!” Eddie quickly denies, and he actually has the audacity to sound hurt. Buck seethes. “I’m worried about you, Buck. Maddie says—”
“Maddie?” Buck’s head whips around, turning to look at him incredulously. “You spoke to my sister?”
Eddie gulps.
“I had to, you weren't answering your phone.”
Buck frowns, body swaying as the car takes a turn.
“You haven’t called in over a week.”
“But I called you for two weeks straight before that,” Eddie counters. Buck rolls his eyes, facing forward again. A beat passes. Buck doesn’t recognize the street they’re on.
“So, you spoke to my sister.”
“She says you haven’t been talking to her,” he admits.
“You haven’t told her, given that she actually spoke to you,” Buck says, bitter.
“I... may have left out some key details, yes.”
“Details,” Buck parrots back, eyes stinging. He sniffles, and Eddie moves to turn down the AC. “Which part did you conveniently leave out?”
“All of it,” Eddie mumbles.
“Figures,” Buck snorts. He moves his hands so they’re now tucked under his arms. Eddie watches, but doesn’t comment. The car takes another turn.
“Where are we going?” Buck asks again.
“Just...“ Eddie sighs. “Can you answer the question?”
“Am I okay?” Buck asks. Once Eddie nods, he continues, “I’m just peachy. Wonderful, really. All in one piece, too.”
“Good,” Eddie says, choosing to ignore the sarcasm. “That’s great, Buck.”
Buck eyes him sideways, noticing the way Eddie’s hands are still gripping at the wheel nervously even though their conversation has stumbled onto safer ground. He gets a feeling in his gut. One he doesn’t like one bit.
“What is it?” he asks, point blank. “There’s something else, isn't there?”
Eddie closes his eyes briefly, car slowing down. They’ve reached another red light.
“Buck...“ Eddie says, and Buck’s inkling gets stronger. His hands turn into fists at his sides.
“Just say it,” his voice shakes, foreboding.
“I... I don’t...“ Eddie flounders. His gaze doesn’t stray from the road.
“...Please,” Buck pleads, even though he isn’t sure what he’s asking for. “Please, Eddie. You need to say it.”
“She’s...“ Eddie’s mouth twists. His throat works, shoulders rising.
“Shannon’s pregnant, Buck.”
And, really, Buck should’ve seen that coming. His vision clouds with tears against his will.
“Stop the car,” he orders, voice somehow steady.
“Wait, Buck—”
“I said, stop the fucking car, Eddie.”
Reluctantly, Eddie pulls over on the curb of an old ice cream shop. Buck is halfway out the door before the car has fully stopped.
“Buck, don’t—” He reaches forward, but Buck slaps his hand away.
“Fuck off,” Buck hisses.
“Will you please—”
“I said fuck off!” Buck yells, knuckles white where he grips the cold metal of the door. Eddie sighs, expression heartbroken. Buck wants to hit him.
“Call Maddie, will you? Talk to your—”
He settles for slamming the car door in his face instead.
==//==
2. The lovers
The night Eddie’s son is due to be born, Buck is at Mel’s getting a reading done.
“...You won’t actually get any better at shuffling if you keep doing the same thing,” she admonishes gently, visibly eyeing the way he’s basically pushing the cards together until they fit.
Buck frowns, shuffling harder. Mel sighs, reaching over and plucking them from his hands.
“You’re going to ruin my deck.”
“I thought you said this was your training deck,” Buck mumbles, now fiddling with his hands.
“It’s still mine, dummy,” she says, smiling lightly. Buck huffs. “Will you tell me what’s gotten you so upset?”
Buck mumbles something under his breath.
“What was that?” Mel asks, blatantly playing it up, “Did someone say something?”
“I said,” Buck replies, emphatically, still looking downward. “It’s October second.” Mel frowns.
“What’s wrong with—” She pauses, understanding washing over her face. “Oh. Oh, buddy.”
“Yeah,” Buck says, defeat dripping from his voice. “It’s today.”
Mel scooches her chair over loudly until she’s sitting right next to him. It achieves the intended effect of making Buck smile. She takes his hands in hers, and he quickly sobers up.
“How are you feeling?” she asks. Buck’s mouth twists in a familiar way, reminding him of how intertwined Eddie and he are.
“I’m... happy for him,” he replies honestly. “He already loves that kid so much. So does...“ he falters, and Mel squeezes his hands in comfort.
“He’s happy,” Buck continues. “Maybe not completely, and maybe not with his wife, but he’s gonna be the best dad ever. I’m sure of it.”
“Have you spoken with him?” She asks softly, as if to not spook him away.
“A few times, here and there,” he says, “but only through the phone, we haven’t actually...“ Mel hums in understanding.
“Do you want to?” She asks.
“Do I forgive him, you mean?” Buck snorts.
“Yeah,” Mel confirms, seriously. “Do you?”
Buck’s posture deflates.
“Yes,” he whispers. “I do.”
Mel squeezes his hands once more.
“You never told me the whole story.”
Buck looks at her, taking in her worried brown eyes.
“Are you asking me to?” He whispers.
“I just... From what you’ve told me, you guys weren’t...“ She trails off, hesitant.
“...We were never actually together,” Buck completes her sentence, reassuring her.
“Yeah,” she says, gulping. “But when you talk about it, it sounds like he cheated on you.”
Buck sighs, looking away from her towards the numerous bookcases lining the walls of her reading room.
“It’s complicated, Mel, I...“
“It’s okay. I’m sorry,” she says, guilt written all over her face, “I shouldn’t have asked.”
Buck smiles, charmed by her concern. He lets go of her hands gently, reaching over the table and grabbing the tarot cards. He hands them to her.
“Teach me that trick you showed me earlier.”
She smiles kindly, glad to let the subject drop.
“Alright, but I think this might be just above your skill level...“
==//==
Eddie texts him before midnight. His son was born at 10:52 PM, October second, 2011. They named him Christopher. Buck is incredibly happy for him.
He cries himself to sleep that night.
==//==
Six months later, when they meet in person for the first time since their fight, Eddie drops a bomb in Buck’s lap.
“You want me to... What?” Buck stutters, dumbfounded.
He’s still reeling from the emotions rushing in from seeing the man in front of him again, and all the hurt and want and need of it all. There’s subtle differences to his appearance to take in, like his stubble and his shorter hair. He looks like his Eddie, but different.
Buck wonders if he’s Shannon’s now.
At his question, Eddie, if at all possible, cringes further in the flimsy café chair.
“I want you to be Christopher’s godfather,” he repeats, voice getting lower with each syllable.
Buck stares. A beat passes.
“No,” he says, almost mechanically. Eddie closes his eyes, gulping.
“Buck... I need you to—”
“No!” Buck says, perhaps a bit too loudly, given their surroundings. “Why would you even— No!”
“Buck,” Eddie pleads, eyes pained. “If you’d let me explain—”
“I think you’ll find the answer would still be no,” Buck denies, voice growing harsh. To think that Eddie would even ask this of him...
...It’s beyond cruel. The look on his face shows he knows it, too.
“If you said yes,” Eddie starts his explanation anyway.
“Which I won’t,” Buck interrupts.
“If you said yes,” Eddie repeats, earnestly, “It’d mean... Buck don’t you see? It’d mean everything.”
When Buck's only response is a quirked eyebrow, Eddie hurriedly continues.
“We could... God, we’d be in each other’s lives again,” his eyes become red rimmed, and Buck feels his resolve waver. “We could be... best friends again.”
Buck takes a second to consider this.
“Best friends,” he says, question clear as day. Eddie closes his eyes as if Buck’s words pain him.
“I’m married, Buck.”
“Yeah, well, it’s not like you’re the faithful type,” Buck can’t resist the jab. He regrets it as soon as he says it.
“Okay,” Eddie says, shoulders slumping. “That’s... I deserve that, but...“
He takes a deep breath.
“I miss you,” he admits, like a secret, “so much. And I just... I’d give anything to have you in my life again.”
Buck snorts.
“Almost anything,” he corrects. Eddie’s gaze hardens.
“Christopher is—”
“I meant Shannon,” Buck assures him, resolve softening at Eddie’s display of protectiveness. The man sighs, eyes closing. He looks tired, Buck notes, like he hasn’t slept in days, or maybe weeks.
“Eddie...“ Buck hesitates, “You can’t have both. You know that.”
“I’m not asking you for that,” Eddie says, and they both cringe at the obvious lie.
Buck closes his eyes, rubbing at his temple. He can feel the telltale sign of an oncoming headache. He needs out of this conversation, fast.
“I’ll think about it, how’s that?” he says, knowing the answer is still no. It needs to be.
Eddie deflates, like he knows it too.
“Okay, yeah, that’s...“ He nods rapidly, as if trying to shake a thought out of his head.
Buck smiles slightly, pulling out his wallet and placing a few bills on the table.
“Chin up, Eds,” he says, the old nickname slipping out unbidden. “You have a family to get back to.”
Eddie does smile a little at that. Buck’s heart aches.
“Yeah, okay,” he then looks right at Buck, eyes beseeching. “Don’t be a stranger?” He pleads.
“I’ll try,” Buck promises.
He still itches to touch him, after all this time. He feels hot shame course through his body at the thought. Eddie’s married, he tells himself.
There’s no way this can happen.
==//==
Buck says yes by the end of the week. Eddie replies by sending in the details of his son’s christening.
Somehow, it’d completely slipped Buck’s mind what being Christopher’s godfather will entail. That he’ll have to meet Shannon, and see the rest of Eddie’s family after so long.
Yet, he can’t regret his decision. Not if it means he can have Eddie in his life again.
==//==
Buck puts on the only suit that still fits him, and borrows dress shoes from his sister’s husband, Chimney. He tries to hide his dark circles with cheap concealer, but is only partially successful. All in all, he thinks he looks like a child playing dress up with his parent’s clothes.
It becomes especially stark when he arrives at the church.
It figures Eddie’s parents would splurge for a large, beautiful church for their grandson’s christening. The place is packed with people, diverse families ready to partake in the ancient tradition. Buck feels like an imposter.
High ceilings, big columns with perfect gold framing, long wooden benches. It feels surreal walking in there with his too-small shoes and tight suit.
Finally, he finds Eddie’s family sitting in one of the front seats. They look pristine, as if cut straight from a magazine. Buck awkwardly walks up to them, not knowing what to do with his hands.
“Hi,” he says, leaning over slightly to be heard over all the noise. At first, Helena looks at him like he’s a stranger. Then, her eyes light up with recognition.
“Buck!” She says, hurriedly getting up from where she’s sitting. As the other’s realise who he is, he attempts a small smile.
“Hi,” he replies. “It’s nice to see you, Mrs Diaz.”
“Oh, none of that!” Ramon says, laughing. “We’re Helena and Ramon to our grandson’s godfather.”
Buck, at least, relaxes at the warm reception. Eddie’s sisters also get up to greet him.
“Buck,” Sophia greets him with a hug. “It’s so nice to see you, after all this time.”
“Yeah, Buck,” Adriana teases. “We wondered if we’d ever see you again. You left so early from Eddie’s wedding reception.”
Buck tries not to cringe outwardly at the reminder.
“I’m still very sorry for that,” he says, “I just—”
“You were feeling sick, yes, we know,” Sophia says gently. Then, she turns an admonishing look towards her sister. “Don’t tease him, Adriana.”
“Who, me?” Adriana says in mock-outrage. That gets a laugh out of all of them.
“Alright, everyone sit down,” Ramon says, watching the entrance like a hawk. “I think the ceremony’s about to start.”
As they shuffle into their seats, Buck can’t help but look at the entrance himself, hoping to get a glance of his best friend.
“They’ll enter a bit later,” Adriana whispers. “First comes the Father.”
Buck tries not to blush at the reminder of his lack of knowledge.
“Ah, right,” he says. Adriana giggles, and Ramon leans over to shush her.
By the time the families are set to enter, Buck feels like he’s sweat through all layers of his clothing. He’s barely breathing when Eddie finally makes an appearance.
Before, when imagining this exact moment in his mind, Buck always thought his eyes would be glued to Shannon Diaz, who’d be the most beautiful woman he’s ever seen, someone he’d never be able to compete with.
Now, though, he barely spares her a second glance. Sure, she’s beautiful. Stunning, really. Still, his focus is entirely on the little boy safely tucked into her arms.
Eddie’s son.
The rest of the ceremony goes by in a blur of practised words and sacred symbolism. Buck might be compelled by them, if only he could pay attention to any of it. Still, his gaze rarely leaves the little boy.
He goes up the steps, standing by Eddie throughout all of it. Christopher barely cries when he’s dipped in holy water. In fact, he doesn’t make a fuss during any of it. He’s the calmest, most beautiful little kid Buck’s ever seen.
As he makes his promises to that child, to help care for him and to love him forever, Buck feels, in that moment, that he’s never been more honest. He knows, then, what his role in the boy’s life will be. That he’ll do anything to protect him.
Buck Buckley looks at Christopher Diaz and knows, without a shadow of a doubt, he’ll never love anyone or anything more than he loves this child.
It’s the scariest thought he’s ever had.
It’s also the most beautiful.