Chapter Text
Hinata stumbled as Nanami dragged him by the hand towards her class, his legs shaking like jelly below him.
She excitedly skipped in her steps at the idea of her friend meeting all her other friends, but Hinata couldn’t help but feel nervous. As they traveled inside the main building, the walls themselves seemed to close in faster and faster the closer they got to Nanami’s classroom, all of them bearing ‘not allowed’ signs on them.
Nanami reassured him multiple times that he was welcomed here, that her class would be delighted to get to know him, that they wouldn’t judge him behind fake smiles and patronizing words. Hinata tried to convince himself the same days before the planned meeting, but anxiety would always creep up his spine no matter what.
Regardless of the flashing red lights flickering in the corners of his mind, he didn’t let them get him down. His fears aside, coming face to face with the elite students also held its benefits. Not something like being able to get him into the main course, he already knew the only way to do that already, but because of all the opportunities that would prove helpful in the future if he doesn’t sign up for his brain to be altered.
Hinata shook his head, abandoning those thoughts as he and Nanami now stood in front of a door. The indicator on it spelled ‘Class 77-B’. So they had arrived. Hinata was already sweating buckets, he hoped he didn’t start to smell bad because of it, that would be a terrible first impression.
He hesitated before moving his limbs in any way, which made Nanami notice his nervousness again and tightened her grip on his hand. “I told you, it’ll be fine, they’re all nice!” she smiled, proud of her friends for being so amazing. Then she paused and furrowed her brows a bit, “Well… maybe except Saionji, but she’s mean to everyone, so don’t take anything she says as a personal attack, okay?”
HInata chose to believe her word, as always, and reddened a bit as they kept holding hands. Being comforted like this wasn’t the norm for him, nor all of the care he received from Nanami. He was eternally grateful for having met her that day.
She let out a small laugh as she noticed him loosen up his tension and placed her palm on the door handle. There was no going back now, even if he entertained the idea of running away right in that moment shortly. The door slowly opened and his ears were engulfed by voices. Laughter, yells, shouts, whispers, everything all at once until they all suddenly came to a halt.
HInata stood frozen as he and Nanami ended up at the front of the classroom, all eyes on them. All the anxiety he bottled in the back of his mind attacked every part of his nervous system instantly as no one said a word. They were staring curiously, and Hinata couldn’t help but wonder what was going through their minds right now. He must be like an intruder, right? They were probably mad to be pulled from their more interesting than Hinata conversations and coerced by their class rep to talk to some rando. How stupid, he knew he should have never agreed to this-
“Hey hey, calm down.” a voice pulled him out of his self deprecation. Nanami looked at him stubbornly before turning to her classmates. “I brought Hinata-kun.”
The silence melted away slowly like ice during a warmer winter morning and people began flocking to him. Introductions, warm welcomes, loud welcomes, questions, jokes, multiple sounds all at once and Hinata felt overwhelmed by the attention.
“What’s it like in the reserve course?”
“How did you become friends with Nanami?”
“Ohoho~ are you perhaps having a secret affair?”
“I think my friend is in your class...”
“You got any food on ya’?”
Hinata tried to answer all these sudden questions as best as he could, regardless of how embarrassing or nonsensical they were. He could really understand now what people meant when they say ultimates are eccentric. He couldn’t help but chuckle as most of his worries slowly started washing away.
He kept engaging in conversation with them, relieved by how friendly they were and how they didn’t point out his awkwardness or long pauses in his speech. He was stuttering so much due to agitation that the Saionji girl compared him to one of her shy and timid classmates, Tsumiki, in a frankly rude manner. Nanami already warned him about her, so instead of drowning in insecurities, he mostly just felt bad for the other girl.
While the pink haired guy, Souda, talked his ear off about the latest gossip in the main course along with another boy, Kuzuryu (the heir of the Yakuza holy shit- ), whom he also knew as Natsumi’s brother, he noticed Nanami smile in his direction gently before turning back to her conversation with her princess classmate, who almost caused him to pass out when shaking hands with. Hinata’s heart warmed, feeling stupid for being so afraid before. Of course Nanami’s friends wouldn’t judge him or hate him, she only hung around good people. He still felt conflicted by that thought.
For some reason, he felt more at ease around these ultimates than around the other reserves, who held the same status as him. There, the competitions were constant, everyone distrusting one another as if one of them could hold the secret to becoming greater. Which was technically not a wrong assumption, but it was what made Hinata feel so uneasy around them. Like they could snatch up his only opportunity if they found out. He was anxious every second in that oppressive classroom, as if a teacher would suddenly call him out in front of the entire class and shame him for betraying them.
Here though, although he knew he was still below them, he didn’t feel like any of them would try to take him down, none of them were even looking down on him. He actually seemed…happy. Like he belonged here with them, a sentiment he couldn’t explain. It felt preposterous to even think about it.
He enjoyed himself so much that he hadn’t realized how fast time had flown. It was already way past after hours, but no one made a move to leave. Everyone was stuck in conversation with one another, as if there was nothing better to do than talk with their classmates. It bemused Hinata how much they seemed to care for each other. Now, with everyone calming down their boisterous questions towards him, he felt a bit awkward just standing in their classroom. He marveled a bit in the orange hues the sunset painted in the room, a picturesque layer making every person look painting worthy. He should ask Satou’s friend, Koizumi, to take a photo of this moment.
She seemed preoccupied showing an album to Sonia though. Most of the ultimates seemed involved in tasks, but not important enough for a small chat to breach them. By now, Hinata had one question in his mind.
Who should I talk to?
His eyes wandered towards his friend’s desk.
Choose Nanami?
Nanami would be the most comfortable choice, but she seemed heavily focused on one of her games, so he knew he wouldn’t get much out of her. Her presence alone was still nice, but she brought Hinata here specifically to reach out of his own restrictive borders. He’d have to choose someone else.
Owari, Nidai, Mitarai and Hanamura were all taking up large space in one of the room’s corners, with the cook presenting a book filled with expensive, elegant looking dishes to Owari and Mitarai, who drooled excitedly at the sight.
Choose Owari, Nidai, Mitarai and Hanamura?
Their yells and laughter were enough to deter Hinata away from that decision. It was entirely too late to handle their loud noises and Hanamura’s weird comments. Not to mention he was already pretty hungry, looking at photos of food would be torture for his stomach. He also has no idea how to join in without looking like a total loser.
The same could be said for Souda, Tanaka and Kuzuryu, who looked to take part in a heated argument. Well, mostly the former two, the latter exasperatingly rubbing the top of his nose. Must be a common occurrence then, from the tidbit he heard about their weird love triangle situation they have with the princess.
Choose Souda, Tanaka and Kuzuryu?
He wasn't really feeling it, they’d probably ask him to take sides and he doesn’t want to upset either of them. It was just a petty fight anyway, there’s no risk of anyone getting hurt. At least he hoped so.
At the front of the classroom, Koizumi and Sonia were busy looking through that photo album, and while it wouldn’t have hurt for Hinata to join in, Saionji was also standing there, commenting on every single photo shown to her. She seemed in a good mood right now, so Hinata was hesitant to ruin it with his presence. He knows he’d get pretty irritated by her insults too, taking them to heart regardless if she meant them or not.
Choose Koizumi, Sonia and Saionji?
No, even if he was a bit curious at the prospect of seeing Koizumi’s work. Satou couldn’t have been singing her praises for no reason, after all. He didn’t have enough patience right now to deal with the dancer. Maybe some other time. If I ever get the courage to come back here again.
He looked towards the middle of the class, closer to the window, and saw Tsumiki, Pekoyama and Mioda. They seemed to have a peaceful discussion, minus Mioda bopping enthusiastically with her palms on Pekoyama’s shoulders. The swordswoman didn’t seem bothered by it too much, calmly engaging further in conversation with Tsumiki. He wondered what they were talking about.
Choose Tsumiki, Mioda and Pekoyama?
It seemed like the best option to him. Hinata didn’t think anything could go wrong in trying to join in. Pekoyama was calm, Tsumiki probably wouldn’t mind (even if she may be a bit more fidgety due to his arrival) and Mioda was friendly. Plus, Hinata wanted to know the type of common interest these three particular ultimates had.
He was about to head in their direction, confident in his choice, when someone else caught his eye. There was a guy sitting at a desk right next to the window with his head on top of his crossed arms on the desk. He hadn’t talked to him at all, barely even noticed him since he didn’t move at all from his desk to greet him. Hinata thinks he saw him looking a few times though.
He wondered what the deal was with him. Maybe he was just tired and couldn’t muster up the energy to talk with some stranger. Should he even bother him, if that was the case? Remembering past conversations with Nanami, this guy must be the lottery winner. How lucky of him, Hinata definitely wasn’t jealous or anything. He recalled that his name must be Komaeda or something.
Choose Komaeda?
He already had the other three girls in mind, but he was really curious about this guy, for some reason. If he was asleep, he wouldn’t bother him, but if not, he might as well attempt to talk to him too. He didn’t look the rowdy or loud type, he seemed more calm than anything, perfect for this kind of atmosphere.
Turns out he was awake, because as soon as Hinata took a step towards him he raised his head and looked at him, stopping the other momentarily in his tracks. It was so sudden it almost scared Hinata, like trying to approach a cat that was peacefully sleeping and scaring it once it heard you.
He looked owlishly at Hinata, devoid of any grogginess that should be apparent after sleeping. So he wasn’t asleep then, Hinata thinks. He feels nervous all of a sudden under his sight.
Still, he walked up towards him and stood right by his desk. “Um…hey there…” he already sounded like an idiot, but he persevered further. “I'm Hinata, but you probably heard it already by now…”
Komaeda kept staring until he eventually looked unimpressed. “Yes, I did. Am I supposed to remember it or something?” Hinata wasn't sure, but he thought he could notice a sort of challenging glimmer in his eyes.
“Um…what?” He was starting to get a bad feeling out of nowhere.
Komaeda only sighed, as if he was disappointed by Hinata’s cluelessness. “What are your intentions, reserve? There's no way you'd come all the way here, basking selfishly in the Ultimates’ light, if you didn't seek any benefits from it.”
Hinata’s heart picked up, all the fears and insecurities he bottled up now flowing through his arteries like slow effect lethal poison. He couldn’t handle this, being under such a despising stare. Komaeda looked so nice from afar, he hadn’t been at all prepared for the imaginary blades he kept around him.
He completely ran out of perceptible words. “I… That’s not-”
“Your audacity is as laughable as it is detestable,” He cut him off swiftly. “It’s baffling that you even dared to step a foot in this building without fearing you’d get pierced by multiple lasers at once. Really, I thought that was a common assumption for us unworthy people to make once we intrude this sacred place.”
Hinata remained confused by this guy’s strange rambling, but at the same time he wanted to defend himself immediately, because Hinata really did feel like he’d get shot on the spot once he entered through those imposing gates. He didn’t almost sacrifice his life just for someone to ridicule him like this.
His words hurt, everything he desperately tried to ignore suddenly being highlighted forcefully. He felt ashamed, embarrassed, stupid for ever thinking he should have gone through with Nanami’s idea. She lived in an entirely different world than him, and their realities could never, should never, mingle with each other.
Hinata barely took notice when Komaeda got to stand up, too focused on the things he wanted to say, those which would crumble him if he acknowledged them. He watched as he gathered his things and prepared to leave, now noticing that everyone started to do the same. “I certainly hope this doesn’t become a common occurrence, my presence here is already tainting enough, add even more and it’ll drain out everyone’s light.” The other looked at him one final time with wide, piercing eyes before taking his leave, slightly brushing against Hinata’s shoulder.
His footsteps were the most silent amongst everyone else’s, but Hinata could only pay attention to them. They echoed as Komaeda walked down the hallway until they eventually faded out from existence. Hinata would doubt their interaction even happened, if the frost in his veins wasn’t still so prominent. He had to get out of here, the world outside the main course building being his only salvation.
Nanami appeared by his side as her classmates started to fizzle out of the room. Of course they left without batting an eye at Hinata. He was a fool for thinking they actually enjoyed his presence. He wondered what kind of thing they would say about him behind his back. Maybe they were gossiping even now, as he kept hearing their laughs and giggles out in the halls.
Or they probably even forgot all about him as soon as he exited their field of vision, black dots left in their minds and distant wonders about what they even did after school. That made more sense, he was always too forgettable to make friends with but also to make fun of.
The girl shaked him a bit by the arm, bringing him back to reality. “Hello? Can you hear me?” She pouted as she inquired, but he could hear a tint of worry in her words.
“Oh…Yeah, I’m fine! Great, even!” He laughed out loud. There was nothing to be concerned about.
“Hmmm…” She looked at him curiously. “Did you have fun today?”
“Yeah, I did.” And it wasn’t a lie, necessarily. Before he approached Komaeda he really did have fun, but now it’s all glossed over by the chill rushing through him, like a bucket full of ice got thrown right on him.
She studied him for a little bit, eyes narrowing comically, before she shrugged and asked him to walk to the gate together. He agreed, of course, even though the last thing he felt like doing right now was stand around an ultimate.
Once they reached the gate they said their goodbyes, and Hinata walked to the train station wishing a bus would hit him.
—
The following days he stopped showing up by the fountain where he usually met with Nanami.
He’d like to pretend that Komaeda’s words didn’t affect him, but he couldn’t deny that he’d been right. He got called out by someone who didn’t even know him, which made him feel too ashamed of himself to show up in front of his friend anymore.
Hinata really was just wasting her potential with his stupid inhibitions. She had so many other better things to focus on than trying to console a boy already too far gone, plagued by the expectations placed on him, most of all by himself. Nanami had a passion she devoted herself to, an important future career to focus on, yet here she was, playing therapist with a nobody. She really was too kind for her own good.
Maybe she wouldn’t realize it right now, but not talking to Hinata anymore would benefit her in the long run. She’d feel grateful in the future once her ambitions have flourished.
About four days since he’d last shown up to their spot he unfortunately realized that he’d have to pass by that specific courtyard in order to get to the library, in search of a textbook he needed for history class. He grimaced at the idea of stumbling upon Nanami on his way there, but he can’t deny that he also missed her presence.
He reluctantly made his way down the familiar path, his legs functioning on their own. He could hear the fountain’s water gushing out of its jets, spraying the pavement near it, and the gentle breeze ruffling the bushes surrounding it, but, to his relief, no sounds of fast controller taps. He loosened his stiff shoulders a bit and took more firm steps, not worried about having to be quiet.
He was startled a bit when he did see someone on the bench he used to frequent. He took a closer look and- oh.
Instead of a girl with a cat hood shadowing her face as her attention was absorbed by a screen, there sat Komaeda, who seemed to be focused on the relatively thick book he held. Hinata cursed all the higher beings above for making them intersect again.
The last thing he wanted was to go through any more reality checks from this weirdly perceptive guy. So, Hinata tried to take advantage of Komaeda’s lack of attention to his surroundings and walk by him as carefully and stealthily as possible. Unfortunately for him, the branch laying in the middle of the road didn’t seem to be on his side.
Komaeda looked up as he heard the crack nearby. “Ah, Hinata-kun, what a surprise to see you again.” He glanced at him with that empty yet slightly irritated smile he had back in his classroom.
Hinata sighed internally at being seen. He spontaneously thought of just running away as fast as he could, but he was surprised Komaeda even remembered his name after the first words he ever spoke out to him. He unenthusiastically turned to face him and greeted him, strained posture and everything, “Hello, Komaeda.”
The other simply huffed, “Did you really think I didn’t notice you from the start? This book is remarkably uninteresting enough to not captivate my focus.” He recklessly handled the book he just slandered, dropping it on the bench next to him. Hinata felt a sense of kinship with the object.
“Well, how was I supposed to know that?” He inquired flatly.
Komaeda ignored him and went on, “In case you were expecting Nanami, she hasn’t shown up to school today. Said she’s sick.” He paused for a bit, before sighing. “Although I am disappointed my advice hasn’t managed to hold for even a week.”
The thought of her pained him in that moment, unable to not feel a sense of worry for her. “I'm not here for Nanami.” He was deliberately trying to avoid her, after all, “But your words have nothing to do with it.”
Hinata was still bitter, he wouldn’t let Komaeda trample all over his pride by making it easier for him.
Komaeda huffed, amused. “Is that so?”. His innocent smile tried to hide his sinister eyes, but they both knew it was a futile endeavor. “Well of course, my meaningless opinion holds no weight, even for someone like you.”
His words confused Hinata to hell and back, unsure whether to be offended or concerned. He has been noticing his self-deprecating remarks here and then, but he’s been unable to tell if they’re genuine or mocking. He didn’t like being put on edge like this, uncertain if he’s being made fun of or not. Hinata was already too fed up with people subtly reminding him that he’ll never be on their level, acting like he’s too stupid to understand anything of value.
He was getting increasingly riled up by the second, so he had to try to avoid any conflict as soon as possible. “I can’t understand anything you’re saying at all.” He got on his foot, attempting to exit the conversation. He admitted it, he couldn’t understand such a complex character. If that was something that pleased Komaeda he’d rather not be around to see it.
“That’s a shame, but not unexpected,” Komaeda started, not minding that their ‘conversation’ got cut short. “You’re rather transparent yourself.”
Hinata only gritted his teeth in response. He already knew that, his feelings unwillingly being on display for everyone to examine, not unlike aquarium fish acting blissfully unaware of the stares they receive from the other side of the glass. The audience wouldn’t know it, but the fish do realize when people are attentively observing their every move.
They'd try to fight off the stares, only to bump into the glass that marginalizes them. People would just laugh at their silly attempt.
It didn’t matter how much he tried to control them, his emotions would always rise up to the surface in any argument or passionate conversation, somehow making the other party believe they held the upper hand and becoming unwilling to acknowledge his remarks any more. You already lost.
But they were wrong, there was still a way to win.
—
Ever since he had learnt of Hope's Peak when he was a child, he had been desperate to find whatever ‘hidden talent’ he could've possessed.
He tried playing sports, learning an instrument and other artistic hobbies. When those proved to be fruitless, he attempted a different approach. He's heard of multiple different Ultimates based on academics or positions. He tried excelling at a wide variety of subjects in school, but there would always be someone who got better grades and understood the material more. He thought he could be the best class president, the best hall monitor (which made a lot of his classmates hate him) and other ridiculous stuff like that.
Maybe he could become the best janitor, the best reader, the best watermelon seller (a gig he picked up during summer). Every single thing he could think of he tried practicing and perfecting.
But it always ended up ineffective. Hinata would keep it up for a month or two at best until he realized it's not the thing he's best at in the entire country. His parents would sometimes tell him that excelling at something takes a lot more effort than just a few weeks, but Hinata knew that if you needed time to be good at something then it was obviously not a natural born talent, and so it was obviously not something he'd be accepted for in Hope's Peak.
He’d given up at some point. It should have always been obvious, really, that he was never meant to be anything but ordinary. His looks, his lifestyle, even his namesake just screamed mediocrity. If anything, he was the best at being average, that’s how much of a joke life made out of him.
That’s also why when he was given the opportunity to become the person he’s always fantasized of being, his one and only salvation and the only path to confidence, he just knew he was a weak, weak man.
That’s what he was thinking of now, on a bench at the train station while waiting for his delayed train.
The warm tones of the sky failed to bring him comfort as they once used to do. Lately, sunset was the time of day where his thoughts haunted him the most. The beauty it instilled in other things or people only proved as a reminder for what could never be him. He didn’t belong in that setting, it was supposed to mean nothing for people like him. Just another part of the day, fleeting.
The station was quiet and mostly empty around this time. Most of the more crowded trains already passed, and luckily, his didn't pass through a popular route. Although as of late, silence just kept bothering him more and more.
He closed his eyes and daydreamed about how his life would be like once he became talented. He dreamed of praise and friends and people relying on him. He dreamed of success and fame and proud teachers, love and footsteps getting nearer-
He unconsciously opened his eyes to see what disturbed him, and he really, really wished he didn’t.
He stared at Komaeda, but he didn’t stare back. He didn’t even spare him a glance as he walked right past him and kept moving forward, eventually becoming just a tiny dot before disappearing completely. He hadn’t once looked back even though he must’ve felt eyes on him the entire way. Hinata paid him all his attention yet he hadn’t caught Komaeda’s at all. There’s no way he hadn’t noticed him, unless he already forgot about his existence? It has been a while since their last conversation.
He really was just that insignificant, wasn’t he? It frustrated him how easily Komaeda managed to get under his skin and dig deep to let way for his biggest insecurities to surface. But who was he kidding, Komaeda probably didn’t care enough to do that.
That just upset Hinata even more.
—
Once class was dismissed, he lingered at his desk for a little while longer.
There wasn’t much time left before he had to make his decision for the project, but he was mostly sure of what choice he'd make. He had made peace with the fact that his identity might be altered. He embraced it even, tired of how his life kept playing out in its regular state.
He stared out the window at Hope’s Peak’s main building, as he usually did. It wasn’t a faraway dream anymore, it could become reality, and the possibility was right at his fingertips. He was sure. He would sign the project. He could never find meaning in his life otherwise.
As the sun slowly hid behind the building, he made his way out of the classroom. Most of the students have already left, so the hallways were mostly empty. He noted the fact that the gaunt building didn’t look so bad when lit by the orange sunlight of dusk.
Once he made his way to the gate, he was grabbed by the arm from his left. Startled, he quickly turned to look at the offender, profanities lying at the tip of his tongue.
‘H-Hey! What the-” His words got caught off once he realized who grabbed him.
Nanami’s stare was as unyielding as her grip. She had her cat hood on and her controller in her other hand. HInata couldn’t tell if he appreciated or dreaded her presence right now. He hadn’t talked to her in quite a while, avoiding her or other ultimates like the plague. He couldn’t deny that he missed her though.
“Where have you been all this time?” she questioned. “I was so worried about you,” Finally, her gaze softened into something full of concern. He felt bad that she cared enough to worry about him. He almost wanted to tell her that, but knew better.
He had to think of an answer though. He couldn’t just say he’d been avoiding her, that would make her fret over him even more. “I was busy.” is what he settled for. Way too vague, seemed pretty fake, but it would have to do.
Of course, Nanami didn’t really believe it, but she rolled with it anyway. “...Did you have a lot of homework to do, or…?” she just wanted to get some words out of him, avoiding what she really wanted to touch upon. She did know that the reserve course gave a lot of homework though, so it wasn’t that far-fetched of an idea.
“Something like that.”
An awkward silence engulfed them after that. She didn’t seem pleased with Hinata being so dismissive, but again, she rolled with it.
“Can we go to the fountain again for a little bit?” she requested timidly, like she was expecting him to reject her. Hinata almost wanted to do just that, make up some flimsy excuse and then quickly flee from the situation, like the coward he was.
“Sure,” he said anyway, not able to turn her down when she showed so much care. He wanted to run away from it, from everything, but that would just hurt Nanami further. He wasn’t that big of a jerk.
Nanami showed a small smile and walked in the fountain’s direction, still holding onto Hinata’s forearm, like she was scared he would run away. He wanted to dig a hole and bury himself in it at the thought.
On the path to the fountain, Hinata found himself taking in all of the scenery that passed by him. Just as a treat, before he signed his soul away to this school. He decided to not get too deep into that at the moment. He observed as spring showed clear signs of influence. Branches housing buds that would later grow into leaves and flowers, grass strands getting greener and longer, and flowers daring to rear their heads.
He was glad to see winter slowly retract for another 9 months. Even though his birthday was in the middle of winter, he never really liked it (Well, it’s not like that aspect mattered very much, it got overshadowed by New Years anyway). It got dark too quickly and school was more depressing than it usually was. It was gray and uneventful, it resembled the reserve course in a way he didn’t like at all.
That’s not to say he liked summer either. He used to, probably, when he was a kid. More time to hang out with friends outside and not having to do boring stuff like homework most of the time. Now, he still had homework to do and he also had no friends to hang out with, so he had to rot away for a month and a half while laughs and excitement could be heard from the nearby park. Vaguely familiar voices, ones he used to hear everyday in his childhood.
He remembered once getting told by someone that he reminded them of summer. He must have been much more cheerful and happy back then, because he could never spot a resemblance now.
He snapped out of that train of thought once they got to their destination. The all too familiar sound of water rushing flowed with heartfelt conversations and words of encouragement. They all felt so far away now, forcefully stored at the back of his mind.
He followed as Nanami sat on the bench. She started up her console and opened a game. Weirdly enough, words came to her easier when she was playing something. Having to stare at the person she was conversing with made her feel less confident.
After a few seconds of silence, she muttered some words, “Did you not like my classmates?” She almost held back that idea, possibly not liking it very much.
“W-What? No, that’s not it!” he let out nervously. He enjoyed talking with them, even though he was scared as shit, up until a certain point-
“But ever since then, you started disappearing. I thought they bothered you in some way, and maybe didn't know how to tell me…” she frowned at her screen as she brought it closer to her eyes. “I dunno…”
A dying sound could be heard from her game, “It’s been so long though,” her face fell a bit.
All he felt was guilt as he faced the fact that he was a terrible friend. It didn’t matter that he felt undeserving or pressured or anything like that, it wasn’t an excuse to just ghost someone who would obviously worry about him. Really, could he get any worse than this?
It must have taken him too long to answer, because Nanami continued, a bit more hesitant this time. “It feels like something happened to you, too,” she confessed. “I don’t mean to pry, but has something happened?”
She had always been as perceptive as she was caring. Though, it was a no-brainer that he’s been acting like he’s been hiding something all this time, so it wasn’t surprising that she came to that conclusion. Hinata felt panic rush through him as he had no idea what to say. He obviously couldn’t tell her the truth, but maybe a small portion would do…
He’d have to throw him under the bus, but it’s not like it mattered. “W-Well, actually, there is something,” he stuttered, “That day, when you brought me over to your class, I tried talking to one of them and it wasn’t so… pleasant,” he looked away, ashamed at admitting this.
Nanami looked even more concerned now. “Who?”
“U-Um…, Komaeda.”
“Oh.”
He shot her a querical look, prying her to expand on that.
She looked downwards at her turned off console, “I almost forgot about that.”
“About what?” He was getting curious now.
“Well, he doesn't really like the Reserve Course,” she explained. “He doesn't really care about normal people in general, but when it comes to reserve students, he just doesn't like them.”
“And why's that? Seems like a major asshole to me.” He wasn't the only ultimate to talk down on people like him, so this wasn’t major news or anything of the sorts. But apparently he only had a problem with people from the Reserve Course. Even after being the ones that supported this school and prevented it from collapsing under its massive ego.
Hell, he didn’t even deserve to be in the Main Course anyway. It's not like he even had a real talent. A different result from that lottery and he would have decayed in the same colorless building as the rest of them. Not to mention that his classmates held a different level of hatred towards those who won the lottery, so the sentiment was even.
Nanami didn’t know how to respond right away. She seemed concentrated on her own thoughts, likely thinking of an argument. She always needed a moment before gathering her thoughts into a proper, coherent statement.
“Hmm, well I wouldn't rule out the option, but I think it's deeper than that,” she pointed out. “Komaeda-kun has always been a complex person, I think. He says all these things about people without talent, but at the same time, he considers himself one of them too, and talks down on himself a lot.”
Her words reminded him of that small detail. He noticed that while dragging Hinata down, he dragged himself in the process as well. He remembered thinking it was weird, but didn't dwell on it too much due to his own emotions getting in the way. It was difficult to register everything Komaeda said properly while both his heart and mind worked at the speed of sound.
Nanami cocked her head like she usually did when going through an explanation. “I think he's just a bit misguided. It's obvious that something happened to make him feel that way about himself and others he considers like him.”
“Well, it's not like it matters anymore,” Hinata retorted, half sincere. “I was a bit affected by it, sure, but I shouldn't let it get to me, right?” He knew that was something she'd love hearing.
Just as expected, she beamed. “Yep, yep. You know… I think you guys could actually get along if he managed to get over his current mindset.”
“What the hell makes you think that??”
“It's just that he also seems to adapt to whatever situation he's in or accommodate whoever he's interacting with to make them speak more about their own interests. That's something you do as well, not sure if you've noticed though.”
“That's-”
She cut him off right away. “Don't try to deny it. Your cold act isn't fooling anyone, you know? I think you do it subconsciously, but you really do try your best to resonate with whoever's it is that you're speaking with talking habits or overall personality.”
Being read like that gave him the impression of being under the spotlight on a very big stage. He knew Nanami was good at analyzing things but holy crap-
“At least… that's what I think.” she tapped her index finger on her chin, likely thinking of new examples to give.
“Okay, okay I get it!” He immediately prevented that train of thought from going further in her mind. Geez…
“It’s not like it matters anymore anyway, I'm probably never gonna interact with him again,” he huffed.
“Huh? Why not?” She took a hold of her backpack straps as she frowned curiously at him.
He really just spat that out, didn't he? Shit, he had to find a way around that tiny mistake.
He briefly entertained the thought of Nanami’s reaction to the project. He vaporized it before it could even form properly.
“W-Well, um… There’s no point in trying to talk to someone who obviously doesn't want it, right? Besides, it's not my problem if he feels a certain way because of whatever reason…” he was simply being realistic here, even if it might have sounded harsh for someone like Nanami.
Dejectedly, she glanced at the side. “If that's what you think…” she rubbed her tired eyes and tried to hide an internal yawn. Hinata smiled fondly.
They stood like that for a little while longer, taking in the cool air around them. If there was one thing he liked about winter, it would be the crisp frost entering his lungs as he inhaled, invigorating him after feeling suffocated by the vitriolic self reflection pervading his mind during most of its time of consciousness, even unconsciousness sometimes.
He was exhausted, and Nanami probably was too. It was best they parted ways for now - maybe even forever- and called it a day.
She seemed to think so as well, but there was still a concern wandering her mind.
“I'll see you tomorrow, right?” Expectant. That's the only way he could describe that question. Hopeful, maybe.
His expression shattered into one of absolute fatigue. His face must have looked so gaunt in the last few days, it was probably concerning. Still, even though his face showed nothing but the opposite, he nodded.
Nanami wasn’t smiling anymore either, but she didn't call him out on his bluff. There was nothing she could do to convince him, the most she could do was be understanding.
Hinata took off before she did, never once looking back.
—
His train was unusually crowded. He couldn’t tell you the reason for that.
He hadn’t found any empty seats, so he resorted to hanging onto a handle above his head, right in front of the door. He looked at the scenery outside, right now passing by a field full of sunflowers. They were all turned away from him, like in a theater where he was staying on the balcony stand, to look at the setting sun on stage.
It was a serene picture, not feeling stared through for once. Which was almost immediately ruined by the voidless tunnel the train went through, the light behind it slowly fading away and the one in front nowhere to be seen. He was forced to stare directly at his reflection on the window ahead.
He couldn't turn away anymore. He had to face himself, his current reality, and make a decision. Would he keep rotting away in his current self, or would he succumb to the hopes and dreams of the world?
In the middle of the night, he laid on his back and stared at the ceiling. He couldn’t actually see it, it was way too dark, like the tunnel in which he only existed within himself, facing himself. He thought of the salaryman he found sleeping in a bush on the way home one day, fearing having the same fate as him. He thought of the differences between the Main Course and the Reserve Course. He thought of the honor he felt when he was chosen, out of all people, to take part in the project.
He thought of Nanami’s friendship and encouraging words. He thought of Komaeda’s harsh and blunt gospels of truth.
All this time, his decision had been obvious.