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Chan knows it’s a touchy subject.
Despite the good progress Jisung has made, and so soon too after finally admitting his regression--procuring his own special blanket, a growing army of plushies and other toys, and eventually his first pacifier--he’s still so nervous. Even with the immediate, unconditional support and love from his caregivers, he still can't fully believe that it’s actually okay for him to have everything he’s always dreamed of. Things he hadn't let himself dream of before.
Surely everything he has now is enough, right? His hyungs already have to care for him as a little, they surely don't want to have to care for him as a baby too. So even when his big brain tells him that isn't true, even when his heart sings at the idea of it, he doesn't dare let himself seriously entertain the thought of having a bottle filled with warm milk, fed to him by one of his Appas as they rock him gently and whisper sweetly to him as he drifts off in their arms…
No, it would be too much, too far; he couldn't ask that of his hyungs when he wasn't even a real baby.
So no bottles, period.
Chan had been worried at Jisung’s intense avoidance of “baby” gear, even when it was clear the little tended to dip into that range. It had taken many weeks for Jisung to finally give in and buy a pacifier, and even getting him to use a sippy cup had been difficult. Chan knows that they should let him adjust at his own pace, to naturally realize that he has nothing he needs to hide or be ashamed of anymore. After years of denying himself, of course that process would be fairly slow--they could only hope to ease him along with their unending acceptance.
So Chan knows not to push. That doesn't mean he won't take opportunities when they arrive.
Like now, with Jisung curled up sideways in Chan’s lap in the studio chair as they look through an online age regression store’s catalogue on Chan’s laptop. This has become a regular occurrence, with the long hours they work into the night and Jisung’s tendency to slip after the workday. Chan thinks that perhaps the little should have a proper bedtime, to create more structure and ward off some of the sleep deprivation, but that would be impossible with their lifestyle. So late-night bonding sessions leading to cuddling asleep in hyung’s dorm room it is, and Chan wouldn't have it any other way.
Jisung is absentmindedly playing with Chan’s hoodie strings, tugging them back and forth and occasionally putting one in his mouth to chew as he looks at the screen. Chan can tell he’s littler tonight, with the way he’s gone mostly nonverbal and clearly wants something in his mouth. But he hasn’t allowed them to bring the pacifier anywhere near the studio yet--on the couch behind them rests only his fluffy blanket, for if he gets too sleepy, and one of his softest stuffies. Safe choices. Chan hopes that it will be easier to cajole Jisung’s littler wants out of him tonight with his current headspace, and the caregiver waits with bated breath for a reaction as he clicks the next page on the store: baby products.
The first images are of pacifiers and swaddling blankets, nothing too visibly different from what Jisung already has. It’s only when Chan scrolls down and the ‘bottles’ section appears does Jisung tense up in his lap. Chan pauses there, looking down to gauge the little's emotions to see if he needs to click off. Jisung’s eyes are wide, his hands grasping the hoodie strings tight as he stares face-to-face with his forbidden item; he doesn't seem to be imminently close to a breakdown like other times though, eyes shining with shock and nervousness and even a glint of suppressed hope but no tears yet. Chan can work with this.
“What do you think, honey? Do you want one?” Chan asks softly, smile evident in his tone in the hopes that Jisung can feel it. He can feel how the little takes deep breaths as he curls further into Chan’s lap, nestling his head on Chan’s sternum. Chan takes his hands off his mouse and keyboard to wrap them around Jisung, content to sit there with him until he’s ready. Jisung relaxes in the hold, hands clenched in his hyung’s soft hoodie.
“Remember: whatever you want, Sung-ah. Hyungs won't ever be mad or think it’s weird. We just want you to be happy, sweetheart,” Chan gently reminds him, hands rubbing soothing circles into his back. It takes a few long moments before Chan can feel downy-soft hair brush against his chin as the little nods shyly. At this chance bit of progress, Chan breaks out in a grin that he has to wrangle under control, placing a kiss on the top of Jisung's head. He tentatively reaches one of his hands back to rest on the mouse, other hand now clasped in Jisung’s, finger ready on the scroll button.
“You want to look and see what designs they have? Pick your favorite one?” Chan checks in, and feels relieved at the second nod he gets. This routine is familiar at least: Jisung looking until he spots something that catches his interest, hands clapping as he bounces in his hyung’s lap with giddiness, of which Chan promptly adds to his cart. The look on little Jisung’s face when he actually receives the packages is even cuter, surprise morphing into the bubbliest excitement as he begs his hyungs to play now.
His instinctual reaction to the pacifier had been reserved and conflicted, and he had only used it a few times since in the safety of his room with his Channie or MinMin hyungs. Chan figures his first reaction to a bottle would be about the same, but the caregiver himself can't wait for when they would finally receive it let alone get to use it.
Chan scrolls slowly through the page, letting Jisung get a good view of every sticker-covered bottle. The themes are almost neverending: rainbows, love hearts, jungle animals, ocean animals, cars and trucks…anything you could name that would catch a little’s interest. But Jisung only has eyes for one design.
Chan can hear Jisung’s gasp and feel the way he completely stills, squeezing his hyung’s hand tight. Chan knows exactly which one the boy is looking at, and he clicks on the picture to zoom it in. He waits, watching adoringly as the little's eyes roam all over it, taking in every detail.
It’s a glass bottle covered in space stickers: bright stars and planets of every color, and even UFOs with little green aliens. The trails of all the shooting stars create a rainbow-streaked galaxy, and all the little aliens waving and driving their spaceships look like the perfect friends. Jisung finds himself almost leaning forward--it’s the prettiest, funnest thing he’s ever seen and he wants it. He’s about to voice that to his Appa when the realization of his train of thought slams down on him and the words get stuck in his throat.
It’s the best bottle he’s ever seen, and it’s a bottle for babies. No Sungies allowed.
He instead buries himself even deeper in Chan’s chest, overwhelmed by the violent swing of his emotions. He wants to look at the bottle forever; he wants it gone; he wants to hold it in his hands; he wants to go home and forget all about it. Chan can sense the little’s collapsing mood, immediately wrapping both arms around him in a tight hug that shields him from the scary outside world. The boy starts to hiccup on a sob, tears welling in his eyes that he desperately tries to hold inside--being a crybaby is worse.
Chan feels cold dread and guilt pooling in his stomach at the knowledge that he’s messed up. He shouldn't have tried anything, should have kept everything normal and calm and safe. Now his darling is on the verge of a breakdown that will ruin his night, and it’s all Chan’s fault. But as Jisung’s caregiver, he knows better than to let himself succumb to his own panic; he has to think rationally, he has to fix this.
Keeping Jisung securely in his arms, Chan swivels the chair and rolls away from the desk until he comes to a stop in front of the couch. From here he can easily reach down and grab Jisung’s stuffie, a gray wolf with long, silky fur. Chan tickles it gently against Jisung’s cheek, enough for the little to peek his head up and grab it with a cry of relief, burying his face in its softness as his breaths continue to hitch. Chan grabs the blanket for good measure, a deep blue with white stars all over it, wrapping it around Jisung’s back until they're cocooned in warmth. Chan continues to rub soothing circles into Jisung's back as he whispers sweet reassurances, the little steadily calming down.
Jisung eventually slumps against Chan, absolutely exhausted from the turmoil, wetness on his lashes and sniffling. Chan lets him breathe for a few moments before gently tilting the little's chin up so he can meet the boy’s eyes. Jisung squirms a bit with nerves, fingers twitching in the fur of his stuffie--but seeing the absolute love in his hyung’s gaze quickly washes away his worries.
“I’m sorry honey, I know that was a lot of big emotions. You did so well though, holding onto your stuffie and hyungie when you were feeling bad, I’m so proud of you,” Chan softly praises, heart bursting at the way Jisung squirms as he blushes. Chan pauses before he continues, hoping what he says next won't make it all worse. “You don't have to choose right now sweetie, but can you tell me if you really do like that bottle?”
Jisung inhales shakily, trying not to let his eyes wander over Chan’s shoulder to where the picture is still pulled up on the laptop. Jisung wants to say no, because he knows he shouldn't, he shouldn't need it. But he knows that answer would be a lie, and he doesn't want to lie to his biggest hyung. As much as his hyungs don't deserve to have to baby him, they don't deserve to be lied to either. So Jisung decides to be brave, something that he knows will make his hyungie proud no matter how icky his insides actually feel.
Jisung gives a tiny but sure nod, watching his hyung’s face intently. Chan absolutely lights up, smiling so wide that his eyes become crescent moons, and Jisung can't help but start to smile as well at the knowledge that he’s made his hyung happy. Chan strokes his cheek softly and Jisung nuzzles into it, feeling so full of bright.
“I’m happy you like it darling, it makes me happy too. It would make all your hyungs so happy to know that. And it matches too, with your blankie and paci, doesn't it?” Chan prompts, carefully cheerful, keeping an eye on Jisung’s reaction. The little seems a bit surprised at the mention of his pacifier, still a sensitive subject--but when he thinks about it, he can't deny that the bottle does. Jisung had fallen in love at first sight with his paci because of its starry design, a sparkly navy with glittering gold stars all over it, the most beautiful Jisung had ever seen. Jisung nods again, a bit more shyly, and Chan thinks that it’s now or never.
Chan slowly rolls back toward the desk, the precious bundle balanced in his lap. They come to a stop in front of the laptop, the screen bright with the image, and Chan lets Jisung look at it for a few more moments. The little is calmer now, more contemplative. Maybe…maybe it’s okay for Sungie to like it even if he won't necessarily be able to have it. After all, with what the bottle implies, that’s too much to hope for.
“What do you think about letting hyung buy it for you? You won't have to think about it until it comes, but we’ll at least know we have one, yeah?” Chan suggests gently, arms wrapped comfortingly around the little as he waits for a response. Jisung freezes in surprise, turning to Chan with the same look as earlier: nervousness, longing, and now hope that grows and grows as he realizes his hyung is being genuine. The boy doesn't know what to do with himself now that the option is truly out there, now that his impossible dreams are actually in reach, now that he knows his hyungie wants this for him--he impulsively grabs Chan’s hand again, an anchor. Chan takes that as the affirmative he knows it to be deep down, smiling softly while positioning Jisung’s hand on top of his own as he reaches for the mouse.
“You want to do it with me, honey?” Chan navigates out of the image and to the item’s page, hovering over the purchase button. He waits for the little’s tentative nod before clicking simply but surely, Jisung’s finger dipping with the action where it rests on his hyung’s. The screen loads before they receive a notification confirming their purchase, and it takes a bit longer for Jisung to register that he did it. The one secret he had made himself promise to never reveal for the sake of his hyungs, but now it’s out there and- and it hasn’t ruined anything. His hyungie is still smiling and holding him, still his caregiver, still loving him. And his MinMin and Binnie hyungies are waiting for him at home, exactly the same way they always are.
Jisung can’t be fully sure that everything will be okay, but the mix of heightened emotions inside him is already starting to fade and be replaced by bone-deep tiredness from the whole ordeal. Even though he doesn't fully understand how his hyungs could want this just as much as him, he can finally let himself relax because he has his hyungie, stuffie, and blankie right here, and the promise of a pretty bottle on the way--everything he could ever want.
Jisung turns away from the laptop once and for all tonight, nuzzling against Chan’s shoulder with a big yawn. Chan brings his hand up to cradle the back of the sleepy boy’s head, gazing fondly down at the new situation in his lap: Jisung’s eyes already fluttering closed, the wolf stuffie smushed between their chests, the dead weight of the little making his legs start to go numb. Chan is going to have to find a way to get them out of the studio and tucked in bed before too long, but he’s content to sit there for a moment and reflect on the night.
Chan’s efforts paid off, and Jisung doesn’t seem the worse for wear at the moment. He’s going to have to check in later with Jisung in both headspaces, and he has a lot to tell Minho and Changbin of course. But right now, all he cares about is Jisung safe and sound in his arms. Like this, with the small boy pressed close to his chest, it’s easy to imagine what he will look like after being bottle-fed: a baby’s bliss from being fully taken care of and loved by three Appas.
Yeah. His baby.