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Another day of waking up in pain. Torbek awoke with a groan as Gricko came into his tent and woke him up. He was far too energetic for this early in the morning. Torbek didn't even register the words he was saying; his mind felt too cloudy.
The party was in the swampy forest of hither. They were camping outside, both because Twig’s Inn was too conspicuous in certain situations and because sometimes the group just liked to sleep out under the stars. Honestly, though, Torbek would always prefer to sleep in the Inn. Sleeping was hard enough already with two huge canisters on his back. He always had to contort himself into just the right position where he wasn't putting his arms to sleep, pinching his tubes, or putting pressure on the side of a canister. Sleeping indoors didn't change this, but at least in a bed, he didn't wake up with 4 times the back pain.
Torbek crawled out of his tent quietly after Gricko. Frost silently nodded at him and then got back to doing whatever he was doing. If Torbek had to guess, he would say that Frost was meditating. The group was clearly preparing for breakfast, and Torbek turned to Kremy, as he often did. Kremy was whisking a mixing bowl of batter, most likely for pancakes. Torbek sighed internally. He adored Kremy, he wanted to be around him every moment he could. He wanted to laugh with him, be by his side, have inside jokes with him, he wanted everything that you would want from a best friend. He looked up to him. It's too bad that Kremy didn't feel the same… but at least they were friends. Sorta. Torbek pushed his uncomfortable thoughts away, trying to shelve them like he usually did.
Gideon then came over with some more ingredients. He was helping Kremy with the cooking. Torbek couldn't hear their conversation, but Gideon said something that made Mr. Kremy laugh. Like, his genuine laugh. Torbek felt a pang of rage and sorrow. Why didn't Kremy laugh at his jokes? Why didn't Kremy want to cook with him? Why did he look at him like he wasn't good enough? Why did he always leave him?? He was quickly overcome with guilt as he realized he was scowling, and a heavy confusion. No, no he couldn't think like that. He wouldn't. Kremy is allowed to feel however he wants about anyone. And if he hates Torbek then… that's fine. It wasn't, but it had to be.
His internal monologue started to bounce back and forth, Torbek felt like he was splitting in two more than usual. Hell, this wasn't even the usual voice that tormented him, this was just his own thoughts tearing him apart. He pried his eyes away from Kremy and Gideon and sulked over to Frost.
“Frrrost? Where's the nearest clean water.” Torbek dawled. His voice had a sharper edge to it than usual that he didn't intend. He begged that Frost wouldn't notice.
Frost raised an eyebrow. Shit, he had noticed. But he pointed one paw through the forest. “It's in that direction, not too far from here. Would you like some company?”
“mmmnn.. no thank you.” Torbek grumbled as he turned and started in the direction Frost had pointed. He was just frustrated. He didn't want to be frustrated in front of his friends. It must just be the tiredness and the pain, surely. There shouldn't be any other reason. Fresh water and some quiet would help.
It didn't help. Honestly, when Torbek got to the small stream he felt even more miserable. He sat at its edge, switching between angry and hateful to paranoid and lonely at a moment's notice. It hurt his head. He couldn't tell at this point if his body or his head hurt more. He couldn't stop thinking about Gideon and Kremy. He resented Gideon. But, he liked Gideon. Why did he feel so much hate towards his friend? Was he a bad person?
‘ Don't feel guilty for hating that brute. Let yourself hate him, he deserves it.’
Great. Him.
Torbek huffed and looked towards the treetops, miserable and exhausted at this point. “Can't you just leave Torbek alone? Torbek doesn't want to hate any of his friends, and he's struggling enough as it is.”
‘ Deep down you know I’m right. I just want to protect you, Torbek. I want to protect us. You shouldn't idolize Kremy either though, he's the one who betrayed us…’
Torbek snapped, clutching his head with his gnarled claws “TORBEK DOESN'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT HIS FEELINGS.”
“Oh, Torbek, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have followed you.” A voice came from behind him and he jumped in surprise. His head whipped around to see Frost standing there looking guilty
“No no no wait, Torbek is sorry, he wasn't yelling at Frost! Torbek was yelling at himself!” wait that just made him sound crazy. “Please don't leave!” the desperation made his voice crack.
Frost stood and stared at him for a moment, before coming closer to sit next to Torbek. “You seemed off earlier, so I wanted to make sure you were alright.” he paused “Clearly you aren't”
Torbek looked down at the water. “No… no Torbek isn't okay. Torbek has been having… horrible feelings. He doesn't want them, Torbek wishes they would just go away…”
Frost tilted his head. “What kind of feelings? Is it your usual voices?”
“No. Well, yes, but that's not what Torbek is upset about, really.” He uncomfortably shifted around, not wanting to admit how he felt, nor knowing how to put it into words. “If you want to know, Torbek doesn't mind if you look inside his mind. But not too deeply, that hurts. Torbek just… doesn't know how to put it into words right now.”
Frost nodded quietly and reached out to him with his mind. Torbek allowed him to enter, but with an obvious caution and what Frost could only describe as an overwhelming guilt. He was instantly hit with loud polarizing feelings. Feelings of hatred and guilt. Isolation and loneliness. Anger and fear. It was loud, it was uncomfortable and honestly, it was downright painful. And it was constant. A cacophonous back and forth of contradictions. Frost couldn't pick up on the specifics, but he could clearly tell that Torbek was jealous and lonely at the root of it all. He felt a sharp pressure and heard a loud growling in his head as he was shoved out of Torbeks mind by something that clearly didn't want him in there. Both men winced at the pain of their minds being ripped apart.
“mmng… sorry Frost… Torbek didn't mean to…” he was cut off by Frost, surprisingly, giving him a hug. Frost embraced him quickly, but Torbek noticed that Frost managed to not hit a single tube in the process. He sat in complete shock.
“I'm so sorry, Torbek. Your mind… it’s so painful. I can't imagine living with that constantly.” Frost pulled away from the embrace, quickly realizing that he may have been too forward “Oh, I'm sorry, I should have asked-”
“nono, Torbek liked that. Thank you, it… helped. A lot.” and he wasn't lying. His mind felt quieter, even if just for a short while. He had a moment of peace away from his own thoughts.
Frost nodded, relieved. After a moment he spoke again. “Do you want to talk about it now? It might help you unravel… whatever that mess is.”
Torbek hesitated. His other voice screamed at him not to. That Frost didn't need to know, that he should keep his feelings hidden, or else they might hate him and turn him in again. But he trusted Frost. So he sighed. “Torbek… really likes Mr. Kremy. Not romantically! But like, just as a person. Torbek thinks… he might like him too much. Torbek gets reeeaally jealous when Gideon makes Kremy laugh. Or anything else. It makes Torbek feel furious and spiky. But, Torbek also really likes Gideon. Gideon is the only one who understands how Torbek felt about… well… you know, everything that happened to Torbek. So, it hurts to feel so angry at him. It's not his fault that Mr. Kremy likes him so much…” he hadn't noticed that he had started crying and curling in on himself. “Torbek thinks that if Mr. Kremy knew how he felt, he would abandon Torbek again…” he finally looked at Frost in the eyes “Why doesn't Mr. Kremy like Torbek? Did Torbek do something wrong? Please tell Torbek, he'd do aaanything to fix whatever he did” he was spiraling again, getting more and more desperate.
Frost grabbed his paws in his own, gently but firmly. “Hey, hey Torbek it's okay. Breathe. Remember what I showed you? In and out, okay?” Frost breathed in deeply to encourage Torbek to do the same. Torbek did as he was told and shakily breathed in and out as deeply as he could. Eventually, Frost spoke again. “You didn't do anything wrong. I… I'm sure that Kremy likes you. He's got his own… way… about friendships. He and Gideon can bounce off of one another. Whereas with you… I think Kremy uses you as a punching bag unintentionally. I know all of us have a habit of doing so, and I'm sorry that I ever did. If you want me to, I can talk to the guys about laying off of you. Without telling them any details of what we talked about here.” Frost added the last part when he saw Torbeks eyes going wide with panic. “I'm sorry… this probably isn't the response you were looking for. I may know the mind, but, I'm not great with comfort.”
Torbek sniffled and looked down between the two of them. “If Frost could let the others know that Torbek is really starting to get hurt by all the teasing, he would appreciate it… but please don't mention that Torbek wants you to. That just seems even more pathetic…” his ears were fully pinned down flat against his head. “Though… Torbek doesn't know if that would make these feelings go away. It feels like nothing could evvver make them leave Torbek alone. Deep down, Torbek wishes that he could just make Mr. Kremy like him…” he looked up at Frost with more tears in his eyes. “Is… is Torbek a bad person for all this? Torbek feels so guilty for feeling like he hates Gideon…”
Frost shook his head “No, you aren't a bad person. I promise. You just want to be respected and loved, if anything it's us who are bad people.” Frost was now also dealing with his own guilt. How could he have contributed to making Torbek feel this way? How could he have been so heartless to someone who has done nothing to deserve it? Torbek had a traumatized heart of gold and only wanted friends, and Frost had been compliant with tormenting him. Even before the feywild. And honestly, he felt angry with Kremy. He was the one who had normalized the torture. Lying to Torbek, betraying him, laughing behind his back. He acted like he didn't give a shit how Torbek felt, but somehow, deep down Frost felt like he did care. Frost would definitely be having a long talk with him later.
Torbek sniffled quietly. “Thank you, Frost.” He gently rested his fuzzy head on Frost’s paws which were still in his own. He was so exhausted. The voice in his mind was also quiet now, but he could tell he was thinking. Trying to put together reasons for why Frost might be being so nice. But nothing made sense. Maybe his kindness was genuine? But he didn't want to think that, so he just sat in the back of Torbek’s mind in silent frustration.
Frost, against his usual better judgment, leaned down and gently licked Torbek’s forehead. He instantly recoiled at the grimy taste but tried not to let Torbek notice. Torbek looked up in awe. “You… licked Torbek?”
“I did. Is that okay?”
Torbek nodded swiftly. “Frost should do that agaaain… if he wants to!”
Frost chuckled softly with a slight purr. “I would, but you need a proper bath before I can groom you.” he looked at Torbek with a slightly more puzzled expression. “Speaking of, do you even know how to groom yourself? I’ve never seen you do it.”
“No, Torbek doesn’t know how. No one taught Torbek.” he shook his head sadly as he said this.
“I could teach you if you’d like. Your fur desperately needs it. The next time Twig sets up the Inn I can show you, alright?” he rested his forehead against Torbek’s and closed his eyes. This felt… comfortable. Frost didn’t know why. He was just helping, nothing more. He was guilty for hurting his friend. Thats it.
Torbek just started purring in a low grumble in response. He was too exhausted to say anything more. After a while of sitting like this, Frost helped him up to his feet, and they headed back to camp together.