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Astrid jolts awake, springing upright in the bed and puts a hand over her chest. It's moving rapidly, up and down with her labored breathing. She frowns.
Why?
She’s panting, but why is she panting? Her tongue feels like cotton against the roof of her mouth and her legs are too hot, sweating under the cover despite the chill the wind carried through the window. She’s being too loud, she thinks absently, when she remembers Hiccup sleeping beside her.
Good. He’s sleeping. Astrid swivels in the bed a bit to get a better look at his face and the way the moonlight illuminates his features automatically brings a smile to her face. She traces his orion-like freckles with her eyes in admiration, but her breath hitches when she looks at the dried tear streak down his cheek.
He'd cried himself to sleep.
Astrid's smile drops as her face softens into hurt and she mentally curses herself. He'd told her it was okay if she fell asleep. That he was fine and he even laid down, he let her hold him as she'd been doing since the dragons’ departure–and even though they weren't married yet, as long as they didn't have relations there was nothing wrong with bringing comfort to each other, but Astrid didn't know how to make it better, and seeing that after her efforts to cheer him up–even just temporarily–that he still slept in pain, made her feel…useless.
Turning away and swinging her legs over the side of the bed, she comes to a stand, feeling suddenly overstimulated as everything hits her at once; the air is too thick and it's hot, but she's cold and she's hurt because she couldn't protect Hiccup from this pain and she realizes she didn't wake up, that she was woken up.
She had a dream and it comes to her in bits and pieces as she quietly slips on her boots, walking out of his room and down the stairs, and, avoiding all of the creaking and worn floorboards, she sneaks out of the front door and into the cold night.
It was Stormfly. She'd dreamed about Stormfly and the first thing she wanted to do in that moment was to pet her dragon, to feel the smooth, plated reptilian scales beneath her fingers, for her dragon to nip at her braid and croon in a way that always made Astrid feel like she was at home.
“Stormfly…” she whispers longingly into the air, wrapping her arms around her waist as if she can keep herself together, but it's like she can feel herself slipping through her fingers, the emotion she'd choked back since the dragons left rushing back up like bile in her throat, memories and reasons coating her teeth in preparation, and before she can stop the chain reaction her eyes glaze over.
“Astrid?”
Astrid blinks, unsure of if she'd actually heard her name or if she'd lost herself for the moment.
“Astrid? Lass?” Astrid turns behind her to see Gobber approaching with a crooked gait from the village of New Berk and she blinks again before looking back in front of her, she was standing on a cliff, overlooking the ocean.
She hadn't even realized she'd been walking, wandering further away from civility to be alone with her thoughts. With herself. Because Stormfly isn't here, and if she was, Astrid wouldn't be alone.
When Gobber finally catches up to her, he plants a heavy hand on her shoulder, and turns slightly to see her face. “What’s weighing on you, lass?”
Astrid turns away from him and stares at the rippling dark water beneath them, the moon’s white glow blanketing the light waves. She holds herself tighter, fisting her fingers in the material on her nightgown.
“Nothing’s wrong, Gobber,” she mutters, the sea blurring as she absently allows her mind to consume her again. “Just…thinkin’.”
He’s silent for a moment, his gaze burning hot on her face, but then he turns to the view in front of them. The clouds floating in the air look so far away like they did when she was 15 and never knew she could touch them. Looking at them now, she feels trapped on the ground below and just knowing that she can’t or won’t ever feel the mist of them ruffling her bangs again, feels like a weighty loss.
A tear runs down her cheek and even though she was sure Gobber didn’t see it, he spoke.
“You know, Astrid. I admire you for your strength. Physically and mentally,” his accent seems heavier than usual and she wonders if he’d just woken up. “But you know, opening up doesn’t make you weak. Keeping it in, and allowing it to eat at you, slowly tearing you apart, is what will make you weak in the long run.” he says and Astrid bites her lip.
Generally, she also admires herself for being strong, more mentally than physically. Whenever something happens she prides herself on the way she can push it down and deal with it if it ever happens to come back up. Silently of course, which also means alone, but he was right. The thoughts that kept her up at night ever since she was told from a young age that she wasn’t allowed to let her feelings get in the way, were like battles roaring in her body and mind, but she alway acted louder than the battlecries coming from the inside.
She sighs. “I don’t know how to make it better, Gobber…” she says quietly, and he looks at her, concern light on his features.
Her eyelids become heavy with unshed tears and she allows them to fill her eyes until she has no choice but to blink.
“He’s hurting, Gobber, and I don’t know how to help. He acts like he’s okay–”
“And so do you,” Gobber said matter-of-factly, now turning fully to look at her. Astrid frowned, unsure of what part of her sentence he was holding her accountable to.
“What?” she sniffles, bringing her cold fingertips up to brush at the tears that’d made a path down her face. Gobber sighs.
“Astrid, you can’t help someone else if you’re not helping yourself. You holding all of this in for the sake of Hiccup? You’re hurting yourself more than you’re helping him. You can’t run on empty and feed someone else too.”
Astrid shook her head. “But I’m fine, and he needs me, Gobber, he needs me,” she almost pled, trying to justify the fact that whether he needed her or not she didn’t want to address the fact that she would never see her dragon again out loud or else she didn’t know if she could keep it together.
Gobber gave her a look that almost made her laugh, but she didn’t because she was sure it would come out as a sob.
“Astrid. Do me a favor, and just let it out. You can’t keep lying to yourself and to Hiccup. Do you really think that giving him what you wish to hear is helping you? What are you waiting for to grieve? Everyone is grieving, everyone but you .”
She didn’t want to, she didn’t want to cry, she didn’t have the energy to explain or to feel like her head was bursting open and her chest was caving in but it all seemed inevitable. He was right, and as much as she didn’t want him to be, he was, and everytime she held Hiccup she was holding back tears of her own. Sometimes it just felt so heavy she didn’t want to get out of bed. Sometimes it felt so heavy she just wanted to scream, but knowing that even though she felt so broken and was still needed, had kept her going…but now…
“Gobber, it hurts,” she sighed before she could stop herself, her hand going to her chest as it became a physical feeling.
Gobber instantly wrapped her in his arms, his warmth grounding her as she leaned into him and fell apart. The tears were hot and endless as she gasped for breath and released it in grueling raw, breathless sobs.
“I know, lass. I know.”
“Why did they have to leave?” Astrid’s voice cracked as she buried her face into his shoulder, her body trembling as the sobs came harder and everything came out. “Why–why did I have to lose my best friend?”
Everything in the world seemed to come to a pause as the one inside of her shattered. Memories and images of Stormfly ran through her mind, wild and free just like whenever Astrid was in the saddle. She would never feel like that again. She would never be able to be comforted without being asked for something in return, she would never be loved by anything more without giving more of herself, she would never fill that void in her heart.
Astrid couldn’t see past the tears that wouldn’t stop, she couldn’t breathe past the sobs that became relentless and tore through her throat without her permission. This is why she didn’t want to let it out, because it felt like she was dying for the second time around.
Astrid clutched Gobber like he was the only thing keeping her afloat and he let her, and for that, she was thankful, as he rubbed her back soothingly. “I can’t–I can’t do this,”
At that, Gobber pulled back and took her by the shoulders, his blue gaze intense and determined. “You can, Astrid. And you will. I know it hurts but you’ve been through so much. I know it’s not just another trial, no, a loss is never just just a trial, but a piece of you gone, but be thankful that she is alive, and you are too. As long as she’s in your mind, and you are in hers, she will never be gone.”
Astrid sniffled and for a moment, realized he was talking about Stoick. He’d lost his best friend too, and it struck her how right he was. She’d never really thought about it, but she never considered Stoick as being gone. His time coming to an end had been bittersweet, but his legacy would never end. His past wasn’t gone and his future was Hiccup. He was never going to be gone.
☆
Astrid wasn’t sure how long they’d stayed out there but by the way the sky lightened as she headed back to Hiccup, told her all she needed to know. She’d dried her eyes and even though her head was pounding, she felt…lighter. She hadn't realized how heavy everything felt until she let it go. Of course, it still hurt, but Gobber was right. Stormfly would always be Astrid’s and Astrid would always be hers.
As she stepped back into Hiccup's room, she found him sitting up and he immediately snapped to her as she entered the room.
“Astrid?” he asked, moving to stand but she held up a hand and shook her head lightly.
“Sorry, I’m okay, just…went to get some fresh air.” She smiled softly as she slid back into bed beside him and pulled the covers over her lap. Hiccup studied her for a long moment, his worried gaze flickering over her features and she was sure her eyes were red-rimmed, but it didn’t matter, she could give all of herself now and really mean it.
Hiccup didn’t say anything, but just gently pulled her in, and she leaned her head against his chest, for the first time in weeks feeling something close to hope.