Work Text:
Kristin shuts the door to her dressing room and she slides down the wall, landing in the floor with her head in her hands.
She has never felt this way before. Not about anybody, let alone a woman (okay, maybe that girl in college, once, just a little).
The moment replays in her mind.
Idina caught her, holding her in her arms after Kristin tripped over an electric cord. Kristin didn’t move from her arms. Idina brushed her hair out of her eyes and let her thumb trace Kristin’s smile lines.
Before anything could happen, Kristin ran to her dressing room.
She’s trying to run through a breathing exercise, anything to ground herself and stop her racing thoughts. She makes little progress before she hears a knock at the door, then a gentle, familiar voice.
“Kristin? Can I come in?”
She shuts her eyes, sighing and pinching the bridge of her nose. Idina’s voice is soft and sweet and it’s the last noise she needed to hear in that moment.
She stands, straightening her clothes before opening the door.
Idina steps inside, hesitant, and Kristin shuts the door behind her before she plasters on a fake smile.
“Hi.”
Idina studies her.
“Hi.. You okay?”
Kristin nods too enthusiastically.
“Yeah. Just feel like I’m getting into my own head.. I needed a break.”
She watches Idina’s eyes flicker over her face. The brunette reaches out, touching Kristin’s cheek. She frowns.
“You were crying.”
Kristin clears her throat, leaning into the touch for only a moment before stepping backward.
“I hurt my foot when I tripped.”
Kristin knows she’s not doing a great job at convincing her it’s true because Idina furrows her brows and cocks her head sideways. Even fighting her own emotions isn’t working, because in the back of her mind, Kristin can’t help but think how pretty she is.
“You’re sure that’s it?” Idina asks quietly.
The room is becoming charged with an energy Kristin can’t quite place. She bends wobbly knees to sit on the couch.
“Yeah, I’m gonna be fine.”
She tries to do a good job at waving her off, again offering a mega watt, fake smile, but she knows better than to think Idina can’t see through it.
Hesitantly, Idina joins her on the couch, the cushion sinking just slightly and their knees brushing. Kristin watches as a pale hand rests on her leg, fingers gently brushing strokes against her tights. She can see a hint of green makeup between her fingers.
Kristin swallows hard, staring a hole into the floor, unable to even look at Idina’s hand for too long. Idina’s eyes are trained on her face, so of course she notices when Kristin’s lip trembles.
“Kris.. Talk to me.”
Her ears ring. She starts to feel like it’s all too much. She has never had to hide so much of herself before. She has always been so authentically open, so bold and unafraid to step on toes. But lately, it’s like she’s harboring the deepest, darkest secrets that she didn’t even know existed within herself.
“You ever realize you don’t know yourself as well as you thought?”
It’s a weird way to phrase what she’s feeling. She’s not even sure it’s accurate, but it’s the safest way she could put her thoughts into words with Idina for now.
Idina is quiet, her thumb still brushing gentle lines along Kristin’s inner thigh, totally unaware of the way it’s setting her on fire.
“Yeah.. I think I know what you mean.”
Kristin works up enough courage to meet her gaze, but it’s too much too soon, so she looks back down at her knees.
“I just… I keep having these revelations lately. I thought I knew myself. But something has changed,” she rambles, shaking her head. Idina takes a deep breath, shifting slightly, her hand inadvertently inching up higher on Kristin’s thigh.
“Working on a show like this can do that, I think,” she offers.
Kristin nods.
“It’s just never been like this before. With anyone-“ her voice falters. She said too much. Idina’s face looks puzzled.
“Is there someone?” she asks, almost teasingly, poking Kristin in the side. Kristin lets out a small, humorless laugh.
“No.. I mean.. Yes? I’m not sure how I feel.”
Idina wraps an arm around Kristin, pulling her in, and Kristin swears her heart is about to thump out of her chest.
“If you’re lovesick, you could’ve just told me. I thought you were dying or thinking of quitting the show.”
Kristin shakes her head, trying to free herself from Idina’s strong grip, but she gives in and lets her hold her.
“It’s not something I want to talk about, really…”
The room is quiet again and Kristin reluctantly meets Idina’s amused gaze.
“What, is he married?”
And for some reason, this makes Kristin feel brave.
“She.”
It comes out as a whisper. Idina’s eyes widen.
“Oh.”
Kristin’s ears feel hot and she stands up, unsteady on her feet. Idina follows suit.
“Well.. That’s okay, Kris.. You know I’m a fan of lesbians,” Idina smirks.
Kristin laughs, covering her face that she knows must be beet red.
“I am not a lesbian,” she squeaks.
Idina ignores her protests, looking amused.
“Who’s the lucky lady?”
Kristin shakes her head, holding her hand up.
“No. That I won’t tell you.”
Idina pouts, grabbing her hand. A jolt is sent through Kristin’s body.
“Kristin, come on, I’m great at keeping secrets.”
Kristin yanks her hand away.
“No! I won’t tell you.”
Idina frowns, crossing her arms.
“Fine…. What are you doing after the show tonight?”
Kristin eyes her carefully.
“Going home. Why?”
“Get dinner with me. And drinks. We deserve a good night out.”
Kristin braces her hands on her hips.
“You’re trying to get me drunk to find out who I have a big lesbian crush on.”
Idina laughs, her eyes squinting and Kristin’s heart flutters.
“No I’m not. Seriously. At least maybe this will get it off your mind.”
She has no idea.
*
That night, they’re sitting at a rooftop bar, at a table with stools that are so tall, Kristin’s feet are no where near the ground.
Idina has pumped her full of wine and warm food. The wine is winning the battle in her system for now, everything slightly blurred around the edges.
To her credit, Idina hasn’t pushed for details at all. She hasn’t even brought up the conversation from earlier.
In fact, it’s Kristin who brings it up.
Idina has a bite of food halfway to her mouth when Kristin says, “You really want to know who it is?” Her speech is only slightly slurred. She’s not drunk enough to really excuse this brazen spill of truth.
Idina leans forward, the table wobbling under her elbows.
“Only if you want to tell me.. Let the record show I’m not the one asking.”
Kristin smirks, rolling her eyes. Idina’s face is so fuzzy in her vision, shades of pink and red and brown warming her face. Kristin searches her eyes. She leans in, her elbows on the table as well.
“It’s you.”
Idina’s face flickers, her smile fading just slightly. Kristin can feel all the blood draining from her face and all the alcohol immediately leaving her brain, putting her in fight or flight mode.
Flight feels like the best choice.
She pushes back from the table and grabs her purse.
“Sorry. I shouldn’t have… Whatever. I need to go.”
She grabs a wad of cash and she throws it onto the table, dashing through waiters and tables faster than Idina can even process what’s happening.
Evidently the alcohol hasn’t fully left her system, because she’s unsteady on her heels as she bounds down the stairs, and Idina catches up to her quickly.
“Kristin, wait.”
She grabs a hold of her elbow and Kristin curses to herself.
They’re in an empty stairwell and Kristin is two steps lower than Idina, feeling impossibly smaller than she already is. Idina’s eyes are dark.
“Why did you run from me like that? You think I’m gonna commit a hate crime against you for telling me you have a crush on me?”
Kristin sighs, shifting on her feet. She steadies herself against the railing behind her back.
“I shouldn’t have told you any of this. It’s stupid, it’s nothing. You don’t need to worry. I’m sure it’ll pass. Something about all our chemistry on stage, and being forced to be together all the time, I.. I’m sure it’s nothing.”
The words come spilling out of her mouth and Idina looks totally unconvinced — or something. Kristin can’t figure out what’s going on in Idina’s mind in this moment, which is weird, because usually she can read her like a book.
Idina opens her mouth to speak and a door opens, a group of people entering the space with them.
Kristin breaks her gaze and she continues her walk down the stairs. Idina is on her trail.
“I’m just gonna go home and get some sleep. You got me too drunk,” she says once they’re outside. Idina’s eyes are intense and studying her very carefully.
“Kristin, we—“
“Taxi!”
Kristin quickly hails a cab, thanking God for providing one at just the right moment. She shoots Idina an apologetic smile before quickly piling into the backseat.
Idina just stands at the curb, watching the car as it drives off.
Kristin almost feels like she can read her from her reflection in the rear view mirror. Almost. She has to close her eyes to keep from noticing the way Idina looks so incredibly small, and so incredibly beautiful, out there in the dark.
*
The next day at work, Kristin is avoiding Idina like her life depends on it.
She doesn’t speak to her out of character. She avoids eye contact. During any downtime, she sticks to the opposite side of the room as Idina.
And it’s weird. She’s gone and made it weird.
Normally they’re attached at the hip.
Their rehearsal of “What Is This Feeling?” is more pointed than usual.
*
She can’t avoid her forever.
Idina enters her dressing room without knocking. Kristin is applying body glitter when she walks in.
“You aren’t green yet. Why aren’t you green?”
Idina shakes her head, crossing the room. She stands behind Kristin in the mirror.
“Why have you been avoiding me like this? After dropping a bomb on me at dinner.”
Kristin sighs. She places her makeup on the counter.
Idina is close behind her, the heat from her chest radiating onto Kristin’s back.
“It’s easier to avoid you than face my feelings.”
Kristin turns then, looking up into her eyes.
“I’m scared of how I feel.”
Idina nods slowly.
“So am I.”
Kristin’s ears ring and she braces herself against the vanity behind her. The space between their bodies has only gotten smaller.
“You mean…” her voice trails off.
Idina nods, and then she laughs.
“God, isn’t it obvious?” she asks.
She reaches out, touching Kristin’s glittery neck. Kristin sucks in a sharp breath.
“I thought.. You know, since you’re married—“
“I’m married but I’m not dead.”
Kristin furrows her brows and she laughs under her breath.
“How long have you… Y’know..”
“Known I liked women? My whole life. Known I liked you?” her voice trails off. “Since the day we met.”
Kristin’s cheeks burn.
“You’re serious?”
Idina nods. She looks down, her confident facade faltering just slightly.
“Isn’t it stupid? That we’re grown women still dealing with feelings and crushes and..” Idina shakes her head.
Kristin reaches out, feeling brave, and she grasps her hand.
“I don’t think this is something you outgrow.”
Their eyes meet and the energy is charged. They’ve been in this position countless times by now, but this feels different.
Kristin has to fight against every instinct in her body. Some are screaming at her to run, some are screaming at her to kiss Idina right there in her dressing room.
She ignores both urges and she reaches up to touch Idina’s cheek.
“Go turn into my Elphie.”
Idina smiles, nestling into her hand just a little.
“Okay,” she says quietly.
Kristin watches her leave, lingering just for a moment in the doorway, and she allows herself to breathe.
Everything has changed, and yet nothing has changed. She should be scared. She should be praying for this all to stop.
But she’s happy.