Work Text:
Good enough
Gravity
Sometimes when you experience the same things over and over for a long period of time, it might become impossible to track back on how they came to be in the first place.
So, just like that, Yunho can’t remember since when Mingi started turning to him for comfort, looking at him and just drawing strength and prowess from him looking back. Maybe it’s always been this way, ever since their eyes met for the first time, more than ten years ago. It certainly feels like that. An instant connection, even though they might not have noticed back then.
And maybe, if he’s being honest, Yunho doesn’t remember when he started drawing comfort too, from being looked at by Mingi and from being turned to for strength.
It’s five in the morning and Yunho can’t sleep. It’s not an unfamiliar occasion, so after tossing and turning under the covers for about half an hour, he gives up and gets out of the bed, swinging his legs out with a lot more energy than he should have at this hour. He strolls to the bathroom, hits the light switch after two failed attempts slapping the wall, and finds himself in front of the mirror.
He looks decent for someone who slept for about, maybe three hours. Maybe his eyes are a bit red, but apart from the tousled hair he deems himself presentable. He runs his fingers through his bangs quickly to get them out of his eyes (damn, his hair has gotten long over the course of that tour, huh?) and splashes himself with a few drops of water. Yes, perfect.
Maybe he should take a shower, but given the current circumstances (it being five in the morning, the others probably still sleeping and also nothing to do for quite a few hours) he decides to go for a run first.
He can see the first stray rays of sunlight through his half-see-through blinds and what better time is there to take a walk and also maybe get some exercise in?
So he gets out of his sleeping clothes, pulling the pants a bit clumsily over one leg, and changes into his jogging gear. It’s still gonna be a bit chilly outside so he opts for the hoodie to go on top. He can also hide under the hood in case he runs into someone.
No ten minutes later he exits his room, trying to make as little noise as possible while he locks the door. They’re not in their usual dorm today, but rather in the home they started using for their newly founded song-writing camp. Away from the city, connected to nature and all that. Yunho loves it. He can leave the house and it takes him no more than five minutes until he’s in the countryside, beautiful walking paths and hiking trails through the hills and along the clifftops in every direction. He can definitely say he enjoys going to the song-writing camp - leaving the city and all comforts of it for a while - a lot more since they use this retreat.
So he steps outside and the fresh ocean breeze hits him and he’s glad he picked the hoodie because it’s five in the morning after all. He draws an intent breath of the sea air, taking it all in, and decides to go for the southern route today. He can listen to the waves clashing on the volcanic rock while he walks over decently maintained hiking paths. A good plan.
“Where’re you going?” comes the plan interrupter from behind him. It almost startles him, but the voice is so raspy and thick with sleep that it only elicits a twitch in the corner of his mouth.
“Mingya, what the heck are you doing out here?” He asks back with an amused tone in his far-too-loud-for-the-hour voice and turns around to finally see his friend slumped on the bench on the farthest side of the porch. Almost embarrassing how he didn’t notice him going out.
“Can’t sleep.”
Mingi rubs his eyes as to underline the words.
“Yeah, me neither.” Yunho says, rubbing his eyes in tandem. “I’m going for a walk.”
Mingi’s very, very sleepy eyes light up slightly at that. He jumps to his feet. “Can I join?”
Mingi can always join on Yunho’s walks. And he always does. It’s so incorporated in the plan that you might think Mingi waited on that bench for Yunho to come out. Maybe sits there every morning for Yunho to come out at five to take a stroll through the clifftop hiking trails.
“Of course,” Yunho replies. The smirk on his lips turns into a genuine smile as he extends his arm to Mingi to hook himself in. They do that thing. It’s very natural.
So they walk together along the one hiking trail where you can stumble around at five in the morning because the path is actually kind of smooth and not too rocky with not too many loose stones and rubble and they talk about everything and nothing. Mainly nothing because they both are extremely tired and talking is also not important sometimes - most of the times actually - when they are together. Mingi is leaning quite heavily into Yunho’s arm and Yunho thinks he might just fall asleep half-way up the hill, but he’s holding up just fine.
“I really love it here,” Mingi states after a while. His eyes are in the sky that’s slowly turning from orange to yellow to blue and his head is definitely elsewhere.
“Yeah, me too.” Yunho follows his gaze. The sky is mesmerising. Golden Hour feels like such a mood in this moment.
He wonders if they should stop here for a while. Admire the sky. But now Mingi is ahead of him and he’s pulling on his arm and he shakes his head and admires his friend instead.
They walk together for what feels like hours and no matter how many times they do this kind of thing, it always feels grounding and it’s become a safe haven for Yunho, and for Mingi too, without a doubt. Eventually they stop at one particular hilltop and do admire the sky for a bit. And there’s still no talking because they are still so very tired, but it doesn’t feel like five in the morning anymore, and maybe it’s six now, or seven, because time passes unnoticeably in the hiking paths and with Mingi’s arm hooked into his.
And somehow whenever Yunho wakes up at five in the morning these following days, there’s always a Mingi sitting on the bench on the porch who can’t sleep either, waiting for him to come out to walk together.
Two weeks pass and they’re back at their dorms and Yunho misses song-writing camp like crazy when the only long walks he can take are the ones late at night after a full day of recording sessions at the studio. When it’s late and dark enough he can dare to go outside without people stopping him every two minutes and when the city is calm enough to not drown out his own thoughts that he never has time to listen to outside of those few precious minutes in the nightly air.
And it’s already too far into the night and he’s finally done in the studio and he nods to Hongjoong who, no doubt, will stay for at least another two hours, to sign off for the day.
“What’s your plan tonight?” Their captain asks. Is it not too late for plans anyway?
He shoulders his gym bag and shrugs. “No plans tonight.”
“Ah,” Joong makes, half to him, half to the waveforms on the laptop screen in front of him. “I just thought. Cause I think Mingi’s waiting for you outside.”
Yunho draws his brows together for a quick moment of surprise. Were they appointed? He can’t remember making any dates with Mingi this week. He thought Mingi wanted to spend the next few days in his writing man-cave.
He steps closer to the window and looks outside on the rain-glistening street, reflecting the streetlights and neon signs so brightly it’s almost blinding. And indeed, there he stands, in his oversized black hoodie with a green beanie under the hood, fidgeting around with his hands and shifting from one foot to the other. Damn, Mingi. How long has he been waiting like this?
“Right, of course.” Yunho stretches his arms behind his back, nodding in Hongjoong’s direction as a good-bye, see you tomorrow, the captain nods back with a lopsided smile and then his spectacled eyes turn back to the screen in front of him.
“Say hi to Mingi from me. And tell him to stop waiting in the rain for hours, I need him healthy.” He shouts after him, but Yunho is already in speed mode and can’t fire back a witty reply.
He steps outside and at least the rain has stopped for now. The water on the street almost gets in his shoes though and it’s probably been raining for a while. He wouldn’t have noticed, on a few floors up in the building and constant noise around him from the recording.
“Sorry making you wait,” he greets Mingi, scratching the back of his head. He still can’t remember making any appointments tonight, though.
“It’s fine.” Mingi doesn’t look at him, but the words sound genuine. He doesn’t look like he’s been standing in the rain anyway. His clothes are mostly dry. “Let’s go home.”
“Home?” Yunho asks. Nothing better than spending a cosy evening at home with his best friend, but he kind of feels the disappointment of a missed walk biting at him from behind.
“Yeah, I-“ Mingi trails off. Then he looks up at him. And Yunho doesn’t need any further explanation.
“Let’s go home.” He says. And they go home.
Mingi is sitting on the couch in Yunho and Yeosang’s shared living room, made into a fluffy blanket burrito, and a steaming cup of tea in front of him. And it’s definitely not the cold outside that’s making him shiver.
“Yeosang is out with friends tonight. I think San joined.” Yunho starts. He doesn’t think Mingi cares. But he wants to say something. “So…” He drags his words out while taking a few mindful steps closer to his friend.
“I don’t want to sleep in his room,” says Mingi with his eyes boring into the coffee table. He might seem angry to an outsider, but to Yunho he just looks stressed.
“You can sleep in my room too.”
“I know.”
And then silence. Yunho’s standing there awkwardly and Mingi’s still staring holes into the table and Yunho wants to tell him to drink his tea while it’s still hot, but he doesn’t open his mouth. Even Yunho knows when to shut up. Sometimes.
“Sit with me. Don’t make me beg.” Mingi says in a voice. That voice that an outsider might find to sound cold, but to Yunho – again – it just sounds stressed.
So without having to be asked twice he sits down next to Mingi. Careful not to touch him. He doesn’t know if Mingi wants to be touched right now. Though he probably does.
And they sit.
“Drink your tea, Mingya.” He finally dares to speak. And Mingi peels out of the blanket burrito to pick up his cup without objection. He sips the tea and Yunho can observe a variety of things happening on his face, the one he settles for looking satisfied with the cup contents, and he swallows almost the whole thing in one. There you go.
“I know you hate me asking, but do you wanna talk about it?”
Mingi shakes his head. Now he looks like a sulky child. Yunho chuckles. He puts his hand on Mingi’s knee and the fact that he doesn’t flinch is a good sign. So he can be touched.
“Okay. Then let’s not talk about it.” And Mingi nods and shifts slightly closer to him. He takes Yunho’s hand from his knee between both of his and starts playing with his fingers. He seems to say “this ring is new” because he takes a particular interest in the ring on his index finger that he got the other day after a successful magazine collaboration.
He wonders what’s troubling his friend, but only for a second, because now Mingi is intertwining their fingers and squeezing his hand. A thing they do.
Yunho wants to ask him if he’s okay, but he’s clearly not okay, so he leaves it be. And squeezes back.
Mingi puts their hands in his lap and his hand feels warm and his lap feels warm and suddenly Yunho is very warm inside, too.
“Thank you.” Mingi says. And there’s no need for a thank you, so Yunho says nothing.
Minutes, probably hours pass and Yeosang is not coming home. And his walk plans are so far at the back of his mind that Yunho won’t ever miss them, because he has Mingi’s head in his lap and he’s looking at his relaxed features as he combs his fingers through his hair and listens to his soft breathing. Mingi is hugging his thigh. And he might feel a slight tremble in it from the even more slightly intimate gesture, but he might also just imagine it.
“Better?” Yunho asks without words but with the gentle strokes of his hand over the strands on Mingi’s forehead. And Mingi nods in his lap and nuzzles deeper into his thigh, sighing contentedly. Thank fuck they do this all the time.
“Wanna go to bed?” Yunho does ask this time after staring absentmindedly out of the window for an eternity. And as there’s no reply, he looks down at Mingi and sees that he’s already fallen asleep as they are.
It’s one of those Friday nights where not even Yunho wants to take a late-night walk alone, because the week was long and work was demanding and now he feels like looking out of the window and seeing Mingi there, waiting for him to take him home or to go to the cinema or a bar or to that one backstreet restaurant that always hides them in the farthest corner, and where the waitress brings their food after a few minutes without having to ask them what they want this time.
He slips inside his sneakers at the studio door, shoulders his bag, stretches his annoyingly long limbs, nods his good-bye to Hongjoong and moves out to make his way to their dorm complex.
The streets are still crowded and busy and he’s thankful for his noise-cancelling in-ears as he passes blocks and corners until he’s finally reached the building. It’s a curse and a blessing they live so close to the recording facilities.
He unlocks the front door and rides the lift to the second floor, tapping his arm to the beat of a song he doesn’t quite pay attention to and then he’s finally in front of Mingi’s dorm door.
He knocks.
And Seonghwa opens. Surprisingly, as Hongjoong’s still in the studio and Yunho expected him to join in later.
“Done for the day?” His hyung asks and he already looks comfortable to invite him in. Yunho nods and smiles and tries to not too obviously look over his shoulder searching for any trace of Mingi.
“Isn’t the princess home?” He asks, very subtly, and Seonghwa smirks as an answer. But then he shrugs and turns his head over his shoulder meaningfully.
“Mingi went out like half an hour ago.”
“Oh.”
And you would think that a twenty-five year old man can think rationally and maturely enough to not get disappointed by his twenty-five year old best friend not being home for once when he visits, because grown-up people sometimes do things without their best friend. So of course, Yunho is not disappointed and there’s no need to take it with grace, because it’s not an issue to begin with.
“Did he say where he was going?” He asks, very subtly once more, and he earns another smirk and maybe also an insignificantly raised eyebrow from Seonghwa.
“He’s been going to a lot of art galleries lately. But which one he wanted to visit today, I’m afraid I can’t remember.” He says. Yeah, Yunho knows about the art galleries. He usually does that when the others are away for some promotional stuff or all the collaborations they’re doing these days and Mingi doesn’t like feeling excluded and having a hobby is also nice. Nevertheless…
“Look, I don’t think I have to tell you, but just text him, okay?” Seonghwa says with a playful pity-smile and a pat on his upper arm. “Isn’t it usually the other way around?”
Yunho laughs at that, because he’s factually right and he also has to make himself look less awkward somehow, because he really doesn’t feel like in his right mind right now. And that’s definitely not his hyung’s problem. Much less in the middle of the night.
And because he’s Yunho, as a good-bye he says “don’t make Joong-hyung wait too long either!” and then he’s gone, but not before he can see another eyebrow raise and a headshake from the other.
Leaving the lift alone for the fifth time in two weeks or less, after either Seonghwa or San gave him the bad news of no Mingi, he doesn’t know where his head is at. Seonghwa was right. It’s usually the other way around. It’s Yunho who has plans and it’s Mingi who crushes them and Yunho has to admit he likes his plans crushed and he wished he had one to throw in the trash tonight, but now Mingi is out and about. Without him. And he feels like a stupid teenager following this thought train, because can’t his very much adult friend spend an evening by himself without him making an issue of it?
In his very clear senses he realises that he’s been taking time with Mingi for granted. Because Mingi is always there and Mingi is following him around, has been following him around since school, even though people will say Yunho has been following Mingi around just the same. But in reality Yunho’s just used to having Mingi around whenever. And why does it feel like betrayal now, that he’s doing something without him? That he’s got a hobby that’s detached from him, like nothing they ever do is detached from one another.
Because you’re a fucking four-year-old, Jeong Yun Ho.
And at home, sitting on his couch, alone, while Yeosang is out with Jongho and his friend group like he does a lot recently, Yunho feels very irrationally guilty. Shouldn’t I be available if Mingi needs company? And things like that. Should I make myself knowledgeable around art museums if Mingi ever wants to share with me? Isn’t it irresponsible not to be ready to jump in with him should he ask?
And he feels extremely stupid.
Having Mingi wait for him and ask him to let him join on whatever he’s doing has become so normal that he forgot when it first started, if there was ever a time when it didn’t happen regularly. And it worked within their cosmos so naturally that somewhere along the way he must have missed the point where he became the one to look for Mingi to join in on his plans and to wait for him when he exits the studio building, when he exits the front door of their writing retreat to go out walking on the hiking paths.
And the day ends and so many days in the following weeks and months end with Yunho wondering how to be normal about this and without Yunho asking once if he can join in on Mingi’s solo trips, because he’s clearly not normal about it all, and he feels defeated by his own sense of responsibility.
And the days end with Yunho sitting on his couch in an empty and quiet living room, wrapped in a blanket burrito and a cup of tea turning ice cold in front of him and his hands ice cold in his even colder lap.
And it feels just like the thing that adults say about those realisations that change the trajectory of your life.
It’s September and it’s getting colder up in the hills encircled by the volcanic cliffs and you have to wear light coats or at least long sleeved shirts when you walk the paths sneaking all across them after four in the afternoon, but it still feels like heaven and does wonders for your mind. And it finally feels like there’s nothing missing even when you’re walking alone, deep in your own mental palace, like you longed for a very considerable amount of time.
Even when there’s something missing. And it’s kinda your own fault, because you’re stupid.
Yunho sits at the dinner table and chews on a particularly resisting piece of chicken meat when a pair of big warm and familiar hands settles on top of his shoulders from behind. They give his shoulders one, two squeezes that make him long for the promise of a back massage, and then they just stay there with a firm but pleasant grip.
“Been a while, hm?” Mingi says behind him and judging from the tone of his voice and the warm breath hitting the top of his head, he’s very close.
Yunho swallows around a lump in his throat that definitely shouldn’t be there, then collects his embarrassing self and nods. “Been a while.”
He turns around and smiles at the other, who gives his shoulders another gentle squeeze.
“What’s your plan for today, Ya?” Mingi looks back and forth between him and the clock and the window.
Yunho shrugs, an idea forming in his head that doesn’t yet want to present itself before him. Mingi contorts his face in an extremely endearing way and Yunho pinches his cheek. This feels actually kind of normal. Like there isn’t a giant self-constructed issue hanging between them that Yunho will beat himself up for, once he finds himself alone between knoll and rock. He already carefully mapped out this part of the plan on their way up here.
“Wanna walk with me?” Mingi asks and first one corner of his mouth travels up, then the other and when he sees Yunho’s definitely not-anymore contained face, he gives him a full on pearly toothpaste grin.
“Of course.” Yunho says and hooks his arm under Mingi’s extended elbow.