Work Text:
Good enough
Ocean wind
Yunho loves Mingi.
And there are so many definitions of love and he has loved him for so long that when they stand atop of that hill, the sea vaguely visible on the horizon and the grass swaying in the wind, with his hand in Mingi’s hand and heads in the clouds, he doesn’t know the love’s nature with which the words come out of his mouth.
“Are you happy, Mingya?”
And Mingi turns his head to him as if he was pulled from a deep sleep dream and he blinks a few times and Yunho finds him adorable.
“Of course I’m happy,” he replies after a while, but not too long a while to make it awkward, with words hanging in the air between them without purpose. “How could I not be happy with you by my side?”
And he says these things with no shame nor filter and with an accuracy for Yunho’s heart that it knocks the air out of his lungs without even realising.
But then again, Yunho brought this on himself by asking a question he doesn’t even have an answer to himself, neither is he sure what exactly he wanted to hear from Mingi.
So he brings his spare hand up to the back of his head and scratches awkwardly, suddenly nervous to continue.
“No, I meant, are you content with how things are right now?” And there’s literally no way to phrase this better, at least that’s what he tells himself. But Mingi probably won’t even think anything of it anyway.
Mingi has a visible question mark over his head because he already answered the enquiry, probably. Then he huffs and shrugs and goes back to looking at the horizon and Yunho sees the distance forming in his eyes as he’s thinking of a reply.
“I have everything I want.”
It’s a plain answer and Mingi will leave it at that, even though Yunho wants to scream at least five questions about it at him.
It’s true though. They have everything they dreamt of when they were younger. They’re doing what they love and they even make a living from it. They have an amazing group of not only colleagues but also friends, and they’re still together and they’re atop of a hill, looking at the beautiful blue of the horizon. And yet…
Mingi squeezes his hand and shakes him from his wandering thoughts. And Yunho squeezes back. And somehow the wind making the hair on his arms and on the back of his nape stand up is less biting and the muscles in his shoulders are less tense now.
“You’re not usually so deep in thought,” Mingi says and he’s searching for his gaze and Yunho doesn’t avoid him.
“You’re right. I’ve been thinking a lot lately.” And Yunho knows that if Mingi were him, he would say something like “that’s unlike you”, but Mingi is not like him. At least not in that regard.
So what Mingi does instead is that he turns to him, his whole body moving in the course, slightly but noticeably. And Yunho follows his lead and turns to him too, for just the barest narrower angle so they can look at each other more comfortably. And then he asks, “So are you not happy?”
And first Yunho says nothing. Then he swallows. And then he still says nothing. Because how do you tell your best friend of ten years that you’re so deeply in love with him that it hurts to look at him sometimes, or to just stand next to him, while you wouldn’t ever leave his side. And while it’s fine most days - these days - the occasions are piling up lately where Yunho just wants to claw his own chest open and rip his heart out for Mingi to stomp it into the ground. He would never do that of course. The Mingi stomping his heart into the ground part. The ripping it out of his chest part, he’s not so sure about.
And because Yunho doesn’t want to leave Mingi hanging either, he replies nonetheless.
“I am happy.”
And he enunciates his words with another squeeze to both their hands and he’s about to let his eyes stray away into the afternoon sky again. But Mingi doesn’t let him.
“Do you have everything you want?” Mingi asks. And Yunho is sure this one was aimed with precision and it hits him head on. He’s not sure why Mingi decided to start boring now and he isn’t sure if he will like any possible outcome of this either.
He knows that Mingi loves him too. He probably loves him even more and he’s quite certainly loved him for even longer. But he loves him in a Mingi type of way. Like you love someone who saved you from drowning when you fell into a river after chasing them.
Yunho doesn’t know if Mingi even understands what happens in those moments when he looks at Mingi and Mingi looks at him and their eyes meet in such a way that Yunho feels like he will die if he doesn’t kiss him right where they stand. And then he doesn’t die and they’re still there looking each other in the eyes and the moment is gone. He doesn’t know if Mingi even notices those moments at all.
“I think I have everything I want.” He replies, because he has to say something. He doesn’t have to say that he’s just not sure whether he also has everything in the way he wants. But Mingi seems content with this answer, because now he releases his gaze and there he’s back to looking at the afternoon sky.
And then he says the single most devastating thing he could say with or without knowing.
“I will make sure you’re always happy. Cause with you I have everything I need.”
And Yunho just blinks.
And it feels like something is burning up inside his chest and this time it’s clawing at him from the inside, forcing itself to the surface where it dies out just before his ribcage can burst.
Mingi doesn’t even look at him. His eyes are trained to the silver line on the horizon where the sea meets the sky and where a world begins that’s different from the one they’re in.
Yunho wants to tell him he has to stop saying these things straight out without thinking, but then he doesn’t know how much thinking actually goes into them, and they’re also not a big deal anyway. They’re just things you say.
And he doesn’t know if it’s the sob threatening to ripple through his entire body or the sea breeze making him shiver or a strange force possessing him, but he pulls at Mingi’s hand and at his arm until their chests touch and Mingi’s arm is around him in an instant, his hand at the back of his head, guiding him towards his shoulder where Yunho’s cheek presses into firm but soothing muscle.
He breathes in deeply, feeling calm again but probably looking like a mess. His one hand still white-knuckled gripping Mingi’s and his other arm just dangling between his side and Mingi’s arm around his shoulder. And Mingi just holds him. His breathing relaxed and calming, he can even hear the soft breaths being drawn in and coming out his nose next to his head.
Mingi knows better than to speak, but Yunho still hears him wordlessly tell him that it’s alright, they’re alright and they will always be alright, no matter what happens or what stupid things would ever come out of Yunho’s mouth. And Yunho, with his heart throbbing in his throat and the sting behind his eyelids, feels his lip quivering to say them.
But Yunho also knows better than to speak.
So they stand there, and standing like this isn’t very new to them, although indeed one of the quite rarer renditions of bodily contact they share. Much more intimate and far less casual than their usual displays of physical affection.
And there’s no explanation, nor is there a need for an explanation as to why that one thing Mingi said caused Yunho such a pressing urge to look for something to hold onto. Maybe Mingi was looking for it too. He doesn’t care.
He wants to make Mingi happy too. Because Mingi is also everything that he needs. But he can’t tell him that. Not without revealing how he truly feels about him, or at least he thinks he truly feels about him. And he doesn’t know why it’s all such an issue. With the certainty that they’re going to be alright, just as Mingi promised him. With the certainty that Mingi wouldn’t waste a second thought if he asked him to run away with him and live together for the rest of their lives. That’s been the plan all along anyways, right?
But Yunho sees Mingi at the edge of his vision, with his eyes closed and lips slightly pursed as he’s leaning his own cheek against the back of the hand that’s holding Yunho’s head in place. And he thinks that it would be unfair on him. To demand of him to love him the way Yunho loves him and not the way Mingi loves him.
And he knows what Mingi thinks about liking someone and that he doesn’t need someone to like him back as long as they’re happy being liked by him. And he wants to scream at him every single day that he likes him back so hard that sometimes it hurts to be next to him, almost more than it hurts to be away from him. But instead they wake up with tousled hair and in each other’s arms and in each other’s sweat and if they didn’t know better they’d think they fucked.
They never fuck. They do everything else and everything worse but they don’t fuck. They don’t even kiss. Kissing or fucking couldn’t even compare to the intimacy they share just by holding hands or looking at each other or hell, even just standing in close proximity. That’s how they work, honestly. They will never be and they will never not be.
At least not if Yunho’s concerned.
“You don’t always have to be strong, Yunho-ya.” Mingi says in such a soft voice that it doesn’t startle him but rather gently invites him out of his thoughts. “I’m not fragile.”
Yunho has to smile at that and rubs his cheek a bit more into the fabric of Mingi’s shirt. He feels the other’s fingers run softly through his hair, messy from the wind. He couldn’t love him more.
“I know that you’re not.” He says and gives his hand a reassuring squeeze and he brings his other one up to clasp over the fingers in his hair.
“Then don’t push yourself so hard all the time. If it wears you out.” Mingi says, squeezing his hand back. “Let me love you sometimes.”
And Yunho’s heart nearly skips a beat at that and he has to swallow dry to keep the noise down he’s about to make. I wish I could. But Mingi continues.
“Let me tell you that you mean a lot to me and that you’re important in my life without always brushing it off with one of your witty comments.” He continues and he’s looking for his gaze now and Yunho avoids him and is about to brush it off with one of his witty comments, because it’s the only way for him to cope.
“I’m not too sensitive to understand what I’m saying, you know?” He really won’t let it go now, will he? “Don’t baby me, Yunho, cause I’m a man. I am,” he hooks his finger under Yunho’s chin to finally make him look up at him, “a man.”
I am painfully aware, thank you, Mingi. And the clouds in the back behind Mingi’s face are suddenly very interesting.
Yunho lets out a helpless sigh as he faces the look in Mingi’s eyes when he eventually dares to look at him. And Mingi just smiles at him. It’s dangerously close to one of those bright sunshine Mingi smiles that make him melt inside and wish he’ll always be the cause of those and make him jealous when he gives them to someone else.
“Mingi, I know that you’re a man. I’ve seen your dick a million times.” And he wants to slap himself for that, because if there’s ever a time when a witty Yunho comment won’t help him, it’s now. With a thumping heart in his chest and ten thousand ants under his skin and a fire in his throat that makes his jaw lazy.
But at least it makes Mingi release his chin and also his hand because he doubles over at that, laughing a lot harder than necessary. Yunho feels like he’s been holding his breath for half an hour. And while Mingi is losing himself quite literally next to him, he allows himself to recollect his senses. Then he nudges Mingi in the arm. “Are you done now?”
Mingi looks up at him and this time it is a bright sunshine Mingi smile and Yunho smiles back.
“Don’t bring my dick into this.”
“Don’t try too hard on the dirty jokes. You’re really not good at them.”
And then silence falls between them again. And the sea breeze is getting colder as the sky is turning into deeper shades of orange and pink and Yunho hugs himself in his fluffy jacket. And then Mingi steps closer to him and pulls him towards himself by his coat collar and he wraps his arms around him and kisses the top of his head before nuzzling his nose into his messy hair. Yunho couldn’t love him more.
He murmurs something that sounds like “I hate you, Yunho-ya” and Yunho just hums and smiles and states “You love me.”
Mingi nods his head, moving Yunho’s tangled hair around.
And somehow this is fine. Yunho feels uncompromisingly safe in this gentlest vice of all. And he might still want to kiss him and declare his undying love to him and maybe he also wants to let him fuck him senseless from time to time. But he has this. And maybe this is better. He doesn’t know if he will ever find a definite answer. But he knows that Mingi loves him. He loves him in his Mingi type of way.
And maybe that’s good enough for him.