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Kaoru hadn’t planned on staying at the beach for long, nor had he intended on walking into the frigid water until it reached his chest, but by the time he had made it back home, the sun was long gone, and the moon was high in the sky. His uniform was mostly dry. It would need to be washed before school tomorrow—if he even ended up going. He could decide after he got ready for bed.
He barely made it past the genkan before his dad got out of his chair and laid into him about coming home so late. There went his plan to throw his uniform in the wash and get all the seawater out of his hair in peace. He tuned out his dad’s scolding. If he listened, he knew he’d end up saying something back, and midnight was not the time for a yelling match, not when his siblings were home.
“Just think about how disappointed your brother and sister are in you, how disappointed your mother would be.”
Kaoru walked away, ignoring whatever else his dad was saying. His tone was calmer, so maybe it was an apology; something he had started giving whenever he went too far. Kaoru hoped it would mean his dad recognised the line and knew where to stop, especially after their last fight, which had ended so horribly that his dad willingly apologised to him:
“Sometimes I wish your mother was still alive so you could apologise to her."
His dad had said sorry, said he’d crossed a line, said he was lost in the heat of the moment, and promised he truly didn’t mean it.
Kaoru wanted to believe that.
After showering and dropping his clothes in the washing machine, Kaoru returned to his room. He touched the back of his head. Still wet. He would have really liked to go to bed by now, but when did anything ever go as planned? He grabbed his laptop off his desk and sat in bed. The headboard pushed his hair against his skin, and he grimaced at the damp strands tickling the back of his neck.
It was honestly the least of his problems. The ball of indescribable negative emotions swelling in his chest was more pressing. He didn’t want to think about them, ever really, but certainly not now.
He started scrolling through websites, absorbing nothing but the blue light from his laptop screen.
Best Places to Surf Every Season
Idol News — Dating Rumours Arise After Leaked DMs…
Superstar Idol’s Big Break Into The World Of Film
Movies Worth Going To The Theatre For This Summer
Summer Seasonal Drinks To Try This Summer
12 Places To Take A Girl On A Date
He snorted. That was a list he could’ve made himself.
What’s Your Love Language? Free Quiz!
Any and all, he didn’t need a quiz for that.
Are You Fated? (Zodiac Compatibility Calculator & Love Horoscope)
His most compatible sign was Virgo. He didn’t care much about all that, but it was always good to know in case a pretty Virgo asked.
Are You Gay?
He blinked and shook his head. How the hell did he end up here? Obviously, he wasn’t. It was laughable.
So laughable that he hit “Start Quiz.”
Have You Ever Had Feelings for a Friend of the Same Sex?
Nope, never.
Have You Ever Kissed or Wanted to Kiss Someone of the Same Sex?
He cringed. No, he hadn’t, and no, he definitely did not want to.
When Someone Asks Who You’re Crushing On, What’s Your Answer?
He looked between the answers, but none of them felt quite true: the same sex, the opposite sex, never had a crush, or lie about it. He liked going on dates with girls—and only girls—but he didn’t know if he’d call any crushes. He thought about Anzu, but even with her, “crush” didn’t seem right.
Everyone always described a crush as giving them fluttery feelings and a racing heart. The only time he’d ever experienced that was for the protagonist of some action movie. That wasn’t a crush though. He simply admired the actor and his performance.
Maybe he didn’t understand crushes, or maybe everyone else didn’t know what they were talking about.
He settled for the opposite sex because if he did get crushes, it’d be on one of the girls he went out with.
Have You Ever Been Asked If You’re Gay?
His finger hovered over a couple times instinctively. A classmate whose name Kaoru couldn’t care to remember once told him to “Watch it, Hakaze. Keep talking about how much you ‘hate’ guys, and people will start to think you’re some sort of queer.”
Besides that, he’d been asked once by Rei, embarrassingly loud, considering the rest of Undead was around. When Kaoru had obviously said no, Rei had begun to fake sob, whining that he’d planned a whole date for the two of them. It had been nothing more than a joke that ended in an admittedly fun evening with their juniors.
It didn’t count if it wasn’t serious, and what his classmate said wasn’t actually a question. He moved the cursor to never and clicked.
How Do You Feel About Gay Characters in Media?
He couldn’t say he really noticed them, but representation for gay people was nice, he supposed.
How Many of Your Friends Are Gay or You Think Might Be Gay?
He didn’t know if there were many people he could call his friend. There were all the girls he went on dates with, but even if they could be considered friendships, they never lasted long. He could likely call Rei his friend, maybe the rest of his unit if he were to stretch the definition of friend. He'd been talking to Izumi and Chiaki more lately and sometimes Shu as well. For the sake of the quiz, they could count.
When You Think of Being in a Relationship, Who Do You See?
A girl, next question.
How Would You Feel About Identifying as Gay?
It wouldn’t be accurate.
How Do You Feel About Dating Someone of the Opposite Sex?
Great.
What Are the Chances Your Future Partner is of the Same Sex?
If only a negative number were an option.
Have You Ever Felt Attraction to the Same Sex?
The answers were pretty standard: yes of course, no only the opposite sex, never felt attraction for anyone and can’t imagine it.
One of the options caught his eye.
Yes, but who hasn’t at least once?
He felt weirdly drawn to that answer. He thought about the actor from that movie. It wasn’t like he was swooning and imagining a kiss from a heroic saviour, but admiration was a form of attraction, wasn’t it? It was nothing more than an objective appreciation, similar to what he had for Chiaki, who shared those same heroic qualities. He was honest and hard-working, a real-life tokusatsu hero even during the mundane day-to-day.
Kaoru could say he appreciated some things about Rei. Undead wouldn’t be what it was if it weren’t for him. It wouldn’t be if not for Koga and Adonis too, but there was something about Rei, who brought him into Undead and enchanted audiences with his alluring stage presence that still gave way for the rest of them to share that spotlight.
There was an admiration-based attraction for Izumi and Madara as well. They were both attractive, objectively. It wasn’t in the same masculine hero way Chiaki was, but Kaoru could still appreciate their looks, especially the effort Izumi put into maintaining his. Izumi was pretty. He was a model after all.
Madara was some other kind of attractive, something between Chiaki’s heroic handsome and Izumi’s modelesque pretty. His billiards skills were impressive too, not to mention his stage presence that rivalled Rei’s.
He agreed: everyone at some point felt attraction to the same sex. The same went for the opposite sex. It didn’t mean any of it had to be romantic, or dare he say, sexual.
Have You Ever Fantasised About Being With the Same Sex?
It wasn’t fantasising if he was remembering how Madara whispered teasing remarks in his ear to distract him during their game of billiards, and imagining the feeling of Izumi fixing his hair and effortlessly hiding his puffy, red eyes wasn’t fantasising either. It was simply nice to be helped out, even if it was by a guy.
Replaying the way Rei looked at him when he used to perform in the livehouse wasn’t fantasising because it happened. It had just been one of those things Rei did to get his attention and make him flustered.
But sometimes he imagined Rei singing a bit closer, no longer on stage but at the bar instead. He’d sing, he’d look at Kaoru with that hypnotising gaze, and he’d sing—only to him, well after closing as Kaoru shut down the registers and did inventory. When he finished, Rei would offer to let him stay at his place because no one else was there and he knew Kaoru didn’t like to go home.
A second helmet would be waiting for him on Rei’s motorbike.
Other times, he thought about Chiaki, usually after watching one of the episodes he’d announced he suit-acted in. He thought about going to karaoke with him, no one else but the two of them. Chiaki would sing, probably some tokusatsu medley, and Kaoru would listen. Then, he’d sing a song his parents hadn’t played in years but still played in his mind like he’d just heard it yesterday, and Chiaki would listen.
When they left, Chiaki would talk about the stunts he had learned. They’d stand in the parking lot, Chiaki would do a flip, and Kaoru would worry about him getting hurt. He wouldn’t, so they’d laugh and smile and be happy.
Afterwards, they’d make a plan to meet again. Kaoru could bring Chiaki to the beach. They could get coffee, or perhaps ice cream if it was hot, or maybe coffee for Kaoru and ice cream for Chiaki. He’d be willing to share, and he had no doubt Chiaki would too. They could sit on the rocks and watch the waves, they could swim, and if no one else was there, they could make sandcastles too.
He didn’t want to say yes, couldn’t say yes, but he couldn’t say no either.
He looked away from his screen. The room was dark, but he could still see himself in the mirror on the wall. It was just him, dry hair and tired eyes illuminated harshly by the cruel laptop light. It was just him.
Once or twice.
That was true. It was only ever Rei or Chiaki. More than zero, less than three, not quite yes, not quite no.
What Inspired You to Take This Quiz?
Well, he didn’t need to confirm he was straight. He knew that. Everybody knew that. He certainly wasn’t gay, and he wasn’t questioning his sexuality either. There wasn’t a reason he took it, and there didn’t need to be.
You’re probably straight.
There was no relief, which he wondered if there even should have been. Why would he be relieved if he already knew the answer? He was straight.
Probably.
That word rekindled the dying embers of those nearly forgotten emotions he still had from earlier. Why was it probably straight, and why did that one word bother him so much if it were just a stupid quiz? It had no bearing on his life.
Probably.
The site said that the results weren’t definitive, so that “probably” really didn’t mean anything. None of it did.
He opened a new tab and resumed hopping from site to site. He couldn’t, however, ignore that nagging worry. He tabbed back over to the quiz results. Why did it bother him so much? It said he was straight, which he knew. It was a stupid quiz he took to distract himself. The answer didn’t mean anything. The quiz even said so.
But did his reaction to the results mean something?
He didn’t want to think about it. After staring at that damn “probably” for a little longer, feeling some ugly emotions—so different from the ones a few hours ago—fester, he lunged for his phone on the nightstand.
He scrolled through his contacts before deciding. She had an early curfew, but she was a late-night texter. They’d gone on one date to some cafe with burnt coffee that she insisted was the best but he could barely taste over the suffocating scent of her over-generously sprayed osmanthus perfume. He hadn’t really planned on asking her out again.
Probably.
Before he could even finish rereading the quiz result or see another probably, another this quiz is not definitive, another don’t be afraid to explore!, his phone chimed.
I’d love to!!! (*^‿^*)
That cafe tmrw? (o･ω･o)
He slammed his laptop shut, gave as enthusiastic of a response as he could muster, and tossed everything onto this nightstand.
Now, he could sleep easy.
Probably.