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Eli's fathers are his heroes; his whole world. This he knows with absolute and unyielding certainty.
His papa was a Captain in the army, and his daddy was the man's first sergeant. He knows that they saw things while fighting in the war that still give them nightmares. He knows that his daddy lost his left arm in an accident, and both his fathers still wake up screaming because of it.
He tries to be brave for them when it happens. They are always brave for him. When he hears his daddy crying alone in the living room late at night, just soft enough that his papa can't hear, he creeps out of bed and brings his softest blanket with him. His daddy hates the cold.
"Want me to stay with you, daddy? It'll make you feel better."
His daddy always tries to wipe away the tears; tries to hide the fact that he was upset from Eli. The boy wishes he wouldn't do that. He doesn't have to be so strong all the time.
"I'd like that a whole lot, bud."
His daddy will always wrap him up in his arms and throw the blanket around them. Sometimes he doesn't let his papa know that he's awake when the big man comes walking into the living room early in the morning, just so he can see the loving smile on the man's face when he catches sight of he and his daddy wrapped up together.
His papa has bad dreams too, but it's harder to tell when it happens because he's so stubborn. Eli will know that his papa had had a long, sleepless night when he doesn't sing along to the radio or make funny jokes in the morning. His eyes won't shine like they usually do, and his smile is never as big. Eli will just reach across the seat and take the man's hand, and hold it tightly in his tiny one.
His papa, much like his daddy, never lets the boy see him cry, but Eli knows just how happy the small gesture makes him feel when his big hand squeezes back.
Eli knows much more about love than he'd like to admit as a six year-old boy. Love is the way his daddy always wakes up early to make breakfast for their family. Love is when his papa pretends not to notice when his daddy wears the blond man's huge sweaters rather than his own all the time. Love is when his Aunt Nat picks him up from school and takes he and Kate out for ice cream. Love is the way his Uncle Sam calls him "boss" and "chief", just to make him laugh. Love is the way his Aunt Angie always sings to him when she and his Aunt Peggy watch him for his dads. Love is the way his papa surprises his daddy by picking him up and spinning him around the room until they're both laughing like crazy. Love is the way they immediately make room for him in their bed whenever there's a storm raging outside. Love is when his daddy runs his fingers through his papa's hair while the man lays his head in the brunet's lap, still completely clad in his police uniform after his shift.
There are things he doesn't quite understand as well.
He doesn't know why his daddy speaks so very rarely of his old friend, Brock. He doesn't understand why every time someone says that name, his papa goes rigid and quiet and wraps an arm around his daddy, sometimes kissing him softly on the side of the head.
He doesn't know why every June 5th they visit his grandmother's grave. He never knew her, and it always makes his papa sad.
He doesn't know why his papa doesn't stay and talk to his teacher Miss Darcy on the days that he picks him up from school, she's always so nice and likes his muscles a whole lot.
"You'll understand when you're older, kiddo."
He doesn't believe that for a second.
For everything that he does and doesn't know, he always knows how his parents make him feel.
It made him sad when he didn't come in from outside right at sunset one night, and his daddy got very scared.
It made him angry when his papa got yelled at by an older man at the grocery store, all for loving his daddy.
He was terrified when his daddy woke up with bruises around his neck and his papa had locked himself away in their bedroom and cried all day.
"The bad guys still try and get us in our dreams, cel mic."
His special nickname did make him feel better, but....
He supposes it's one of those things he'll 'get when he's older'.
The bad feelings come, and they make him question everything he knows. But, he still tries to be brave for his fathers.
He puts on a smile when they hug and kiss him and send him off to school while they go to work, even though he wants to cry most days.
He eats the food his papa tries to make while his daddy, who is a much better cook, is away for work.
He helps his daddy figure out how to use the complicated machinery in the garage while his papa isn't home to do so.
He sits through his papa's lectures while the man sketches and the incredibly long science programs his daddy watches because they enjoy those things, and want to enjoy them with their little man.
But one constant feeling encases him like his favorite blanket when he's with the two men.
He feels safe.
When he reaches out for his daddy's hand while they're shopping together, the man always holds it tight the whole time.
Whenever they're driving home at night and the shadows outside hold too many secrets, his papa will turn the music up loud and they'll sing together.
Whenever the thunder is enough to rattle the house, he'll creep into his parents room, where he'll find his daddy in a huge grey and black hoodie that says NYPD and ROGERS in big letters, his papa holding the brunet close to his chest. He'll always shake his daddy awake because he's not so grumpy when gets woken up, and the man will kiss his forehead and wrap him up tight in his arms and pull them both into the warmth and safety of his papa's embrace.
And whenever he sees things he thinks he shouldn't, like his papa squeezing his daddy's butt while they both laugh, or his daddy sneaking Patches toys into the cart while they're all at the pet store, or his papa sneaking sweets while his daddy does his yoga on the back porch, or the two men snuggled together under a blanket on the couch, saying things to make each other smile, they'll always meet his eyes and call him over, and he'll once again find himself in his favorite place in the world.
In his parent's arms.
"He's got your courage, Stevie."
"And he's got your kindness, Buck."
And they have his heart.