Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Pretty much as soon as they sat down on the couch, Katara dropped a light blue gift box in front of them. “Open,” she said as she sat down next to Aang on the lounge of the couch. She had an oddly nervous smile on her face which really just furthered the growing suspicion in him.

Sokka exchanged a glance with Zuko, who seemed to be equally confused as he was, so that was something.

“Did you like… do something bad or something?” he asked as he hesitantly brought the box to his lap.

“Nothing bad,” she replied, exchanging a glance with Aang. Why were they being so cryptic?

“I’m just saying, you don’t usually give me gifts out of nowhere–”

“Just open it,” she insisted with an exasperated sigh.

“Fine, fine.” He gently undid the bow atop the box to release the lid. “But if it’s your burnt cookies again I’m gonna be thoroughly disappointed,” he said and shot her a wry smile.

“Oh for spirits–”

“Sokka,” Zuko cut in before Katara could start yelling, “just open the damn box.”

“What does it look like I’m doing?”

He just barely caught Katara muttering, “Getting on my nerves,” before he finally opened the lid and was met with a light blue blanket with white flowers on it. It was actually very similar to the blankets the two of them had as kids. With knitted brows, he gently moved the blanket out of the way and there was a small silver rattle and a pair of baby shoes.

He looked up at his sister and her husband with big eyes and he didn’t even have to ask. Katara nodded with a smile, one hand resting on her belly and he honestly couldn’t help the way he threw himself at the two of them. The rattle rattled as the box fell to the floor but he honestly couldn’t care less. His baby sister was having a baby.

“I can’t believe you!” he yelled, despite having both Katara and Aang crushed in the embrace. Katara laughed as she tried to push him off while Aang just hugged him back. He was babbling nonsense at this point, some stuff about them going to be good parents and then some shit about promising to be a good uncle. His mouth was working faster than his brain so hopefully it made sense.

“Told you it wasn’t bad,” she teased once he finally pulled away. Then she smiled at Zuko behind him. “Did you catch that, Zuko?” Sokka turned around just in time to see him nod.

“Congratulations,” he said simply, voice soft and a small smile on his lips. It didn’t look fake but something about it just didn’t sit right with Sokka. He made a mental note to address it once they were alone.

It was a complex issue, right? Children. It’s not that he’s never thought about it, it’s that they’ve never talked about it. Zuko was happy for his friends, obviously, it wasn’t that either, it just… brought a lot of things to the surface.

They bid farewell to the happy couple, and after lots of hugs and talk about health and names and all the stuff there was to be concerned about – which really just freaked Zuko out even further – they were finally in their car, on the way home.

Sokka was babbling about something Zuko honestly wasn’t really paying attention to as he drove, he could write it off as just trying to focus on the road, even though that was just for his own sake since Sokka didn’t seem all that bothered by it, so he was pretty sure he didn’t see through him. That was, until Zuko parked the car and undid his seat belt just for Sokka to put a hand on his knee before he could get out.

“What’s bothering you, Zuuks?” he asked, voice soft and eyebrows knitted in concern. Zuko just stared at him.

There was no way to start explaining the deep pit in his stomach, the panic that had spread out to his very fingertips. There were so many things he had pushed so deep inside himself that he didn’t want to face – wasn’t ready to face.

“Nothing,” he lied, earning an unimpressed look from his boyfriend.

“You’re a terrible liar,” Sokka muttered.

“I’m not, you just know me too well,” he shot back, opening the door to get out. He really didn’t want to have this conversation right now. Or ever. Except he wanted to have it right now or at least at some point. Because he wanted it. But he didn’t want to face it.

“Zuko.” Sokka got out of the car just as Zuko slammed the driver seat door shut. “Talk to me.”

Zuko locked the car without a word and strode forward. He definitely wasn’t having this conversation in the parking lot. Sokka followed, obviously, staying just as silent as they made their way to their flat.

“Seriously,” Sokka started once they were inside, “why are you being so dodgy?” He kicked off his shoes and hung his coat by the door. Zuko was satisfied just getting rid of his shoes because his jacket honestly just helped relieve the urge he had to turn himself inside out.

“Sokka, I–” Druk rubbed his body against his leg then so he sank down to sit with him on the floor. He had to face it but he couldn’t even face his boyfriend. He was pathetic. He petted the back of Druk’s neck as he stared at the floor beneath them. Where was he supposed to start when this was over ten years worth of anxieties and thoughts and fears? He didn’t like poking at these thoughts himself, he honestly hadn’t really poked at these thoughts since he was getting evaluated for hormone replacement therapy when he was sixteen.

A hand started running up and down his back, slow and gentle. He looked at Sokka who was now sitting on the floor to his right.

“What’s going on in that head of yours, fire lily?”

Zuko huffed and looked back down, scooping Druk up just to hold him a bit closer to his restless heart. He didn’t look at Sokka when he said it, because he couldn’t. But he said it. “Sokka, do you want kids?”

The gentle motion on his back stilled then and Zuko honestly wasn’t sure if he was even breathing. He had said it so he had obviously started this conversation he honestly didn’t think he would ever be ready to have but now he just had to wait, which was a new type of torture. It had been a few seconds but it felt like years. Everything was so still he briefly considered if time had just completely stopped all of a sudden.

“Yes,” came Sokka’s voice through the silence, small and gentle. “Do you?”

Zuko blinked, started breathing again, and just tried to find an answer to that. ‘No’ was some sort of instinctual answer. ‘No’ was the answer that was less about what he wanted and more about how he just wasn’t fit to be a parent. ‘No’ was what he had told his therapist all those years ago, because it was less scary that way. ‘No’ was the easy thing to say, the answer that wouldn’t put him in that uncomfortable spot where he’d have to face some of his biggest fears. ‘No’ was the answer that he should logically and practically give.

Still, “Yes,” was what he said, because ‘No’ would be a lie, and he didn’t want to lie about something so big to Sokka. “I do.” He took a deep breath and scratched Druk behind his ear. “But I don’t think I should be a parent.”

Sokka resumed the slow up-down motion along his spine. “Why not?” he asked. And that really was the question, wasn’t it? ‘Why not?’

Zuko bit his lip and turned to look at Sokka, being met with soft blue eyes that were way too understanding. “Why should I be?” he asked in place of an answer. Because Sokka knew already. Ranting about his shitty childhood would do neither of them any good.

Sokka hummed, as if in thought, but the quirk of his lips gave his act away. “Because you want to be a parent?” he suggested.

Zuko averted his gaze again. “So did my dad and, well…”

“Okay," Sokka sighed. "Then maybe because you’re a kind, empathic, and loving person? Because you’re the most caring person I know. Because you’re protective and dependable even when you’re not at your best. And also because you’re literally nothing like your piece of shit father – who I’m still up for murdering if he ever gets out of jail, by the way.”

Zuko couldn’t help the snort that escaped him at that. “Yeah.” He looked back at his boyfriend. “I’m sure we can get away with it.”

Sokka grinned at him. “Of course, no doubt about it, we’ll make it look like an accident.”

“Totes.” He sighed, looking down at Druk in his arms. “It’s still scary though,” he stated, getting back on topic.

“Yeah,” Sokka agreed, “but I really do think you’d be a great dad.”

And Zuko couldn’t help but think about how Sokka would be an even greater dad. Because Sokka was fun and sweet and the kindest person in the world. Because Sokka cared more about others than he cared about himself. And there was absolutely no other person in the world Zuko could imagine himself having a kid with.

“You’d be an amazing dad,” he mumbled.

Sokka pressed a kiss into his hair. “Thank you.” He scratched Druk’s neck gently. “I think the three of us could make a pretty awesome family for a human child.”

Zuko snorted at that, sending a rather exasperated look to his boyfriend. “You’re a moron.”

“Thank you,” he replied with a smile, “but you love this moron so who’s really the fool here?”

Zuko rolled his eyes fondly before grabbing Sokka’s shirt to pull him into a kiss, which Sokka smiled into like a fool. They were both definitely fools.

They didn’t stay on the floor for long after that, instead moving to the couch to watch a movie. They didn’t talk more about kids that night, but it was surprisingly relieving to have put the subject out there; to know they were on the same page.

Still though, it nagged a bit on Zuko. Because wasn’t that a pretty picture? Expanding their own little family, worrying about everything together, and figuring it all out together. Celebrating milestones, family outings at the park, playing in the snow, telling goodnight stories, and keeping someone safe. It was such an easy thing to imagine, Zuko could almost believe it could become something real.

Chapter Text

They talked about it every now and then. Mainly when Katara’s pregnancy was brought up, but still. Never anything super conclusive, but it was probably good for them to actually talk about it. Sokka was usually the initiator, Zuko still kind of avoided it, but they talked. Not about logistics, or practicalities, or anything along those lines, but about the concept of them having kids.

It was a conversation about baby names,

“Katara is pushing Kya if it’s a girl,” Sokka had muttered while they were on the couch one evening.

Zuko had hummed, finishing the sentence he was on in his book before glancing down at Sokka in his lap. “After your mum, right?” he asked, earning a hum. “That’s really sweet.”

“Yeah, I agree.”

It had been quiet for a few moments, save for the noise from whatever dumb reality show it was that Sokka had on as background noise and only half paid attention to. Zuko went back to his book, Sokka continued looking at his phone, then, casually he asked,

“What would we name our kid?”

And Zuko had damn near dropped his book in his damn face. “Huh?”

“For our kid, what names do you suggest?” Sokka asked again, clearly not noticing the reaction Zuko had had, seemingly too engulfed in whatever on his phone to notice, which was probably for the best.

“Uhm, I’m not sure?”

Sokka hummed again. “I’m suggesting Kanna if it’s a girl, after Gran Gran, since Kya might get taken.” He looked up at Zuko for just a second before going back to what seemed to be a game on his phone. “But that’s just a suggestion.”

“Uhu,” Zuko had awkwardly replied.

It had been quiet for a bit after that again and just as Zuko was about to let his guard down again, Sokka had grinned up at him and said,

“Maybe Iroh if it’s a boy?”

And Zuko’s heart might have gotten stuck in his throat because how was this man real, and how did he oftentimes know Zuko better than he knew himself?

“I’d like that,” Zuko had managed to force out after a few too many seconds of silence.

“Knew you would,” Sokka had said simply, taking the one of Zuko’s hands that was resting on his shoulder and pressing a kiss into his wrist.

And that had been the end of that discussion.

Then it was that time when Zuko, Sokka, and Katara had been out looking at baby stuff and while Katara was off with some shopkeeper to look at some stroller or pram or car seat or whatever – Zuko honestly wasn’t sure – and Sokka had pulled him to the corner to look at baby clothes all excited about how tiny they were and it kind of formed a lump in Zuko’s chest that kind of clenched his heart uncomfortably, but also kind of warmed him pleasantly in a strange way, that he hadn’t been able to shake since.

And just all the little things like Katara’s ultrasound pictures, Aang’s blabbering about baby proofing the house even though the due date was still months away, every new set of furniture or toy or plushie or whatever they got and sent pictures of. Because all of it fueled Sokka’s baby fever, and all of it reminded Zuko it was a real thing.

Zuko spotted Katara the instant he stepped into Misty Treasures, she sat in the corner with a book and a cup of tea. He wasn’t really in the mood to get anything, so they might as well have talked somewhere else but when he’d asked to meet up to talk, this was the place she suggested. Zuko made his way over to her without ordering anything, ignoring the students who sat studying and chatting idly. This was a good spot.

“Hello,” he said as he sat down in the chair opposite from her.

“One moment,” she replied without looking up, clearly in the middle of a paragraph.

The silence dragged on for a few moments before she hummed and put her bookmark in and closed the book.

“Sorry, they were mid conversations,” she explained. “How are you?”

“Uhm, fine,” he replied. “How are things going with you?”

She sighed, picking up her tea. “Alright, kind of tired but that’s about all.”

He nodded. “That’s good… I’m sorry if this is like, weird–”

“No no.” She waved a hand at him as she took a sip of her tea. “I don’t mind, it’s pretty understandable that you want to talk about it.”

“Still, I should probably look for specialised therapists or something.”

Katara chuckled. “Maybe,” she agreed, “but I’m happy to help you sort your thoughts out. I mean, I’ve noticed you’ve kind of kept your distance and if this is a way for you to stop avoiding me, I’ll gladly accept the momentary role of your counselor.”

There was definitely a bit of an edge to her words that made Zuko wince. He really had hoped she hadn’t noticed.

“I’m so sorry Katara,” he hurried out, “I really didn’t want to– I mean, I am genuinely so happy for you, I just–”

She raised a hand, a clear gesture to cut him off. “Zuko,” she said, “I know, I’m just teasing. You have a lot on your mind, I can tell.”

Zuko nodded slowly, biting his lip. “We never really talked about kids until you got pregnant,” he admitted quietly, looking down. “I just want to be happy for you but it hit me way harder than I thought it would.”

A hand landed on his atop the table and he looked back up at her. Katara offered a soft smile. “I know you’re happy for me,” she assured, “you’ve been clear with that too, don’t worry.”

He took a breath, nodding. “Okay,” he said, “good, I want you to know that.”

She hummed. “So, what’s on your mind?”

“Uhm… well, like I said, we never really talked about kids before–”

“You and Sokka?”

“Yeah. Like… I honestly just– I never really thought I’d want kids– Or, well, maybe that’s not really it, I just… kind of didn’t want to think about it,” he corrected. “Kind of just refused to entertain the idea, you know?”

Katara nodded. “It’s a big thing, even bigger for you, I imagine.”

“Yeah.” He nodded. “I used to be so disgusted by the mere fact that I have a uterus… so it felt natural to also dislike the idea of having kids, especially carrying a child but… I don’t know, I guess I’ve changed?” He sighed, trying to figure it out as he was saying it maybe hadn’t been the best idea but here he was. “I… don’t really feel disgusted when thinking about it anymore,” he admitted quietly, as much to himself as to her. “Like, it just kind of… is. Not right, but not really wrong either, it’s just there and that’s… fine?”

“I see,” she said. He blinked at her. “I mean, it seems like you’ve started considering if carrying a child is actually something you want.”

Zuko took a deep breath through his nose as he bit his lip. Then he nodded. “Yeah,” he mumbled, “I have. And I, uhm… I think I do.”

“And that scares you,” she said knowingly and he nodded again, far more reluctantly.

“I feel like that’s so stupid though,” he groaned, “because it’s terrifying and kind of dysphoric and there are other options and what does it actually matter if I carry the child or not?”

Katara smiled at him in that way she did when she actually thought he was being an idiot but didn’t want to say it. “I mean,” she said, tone just shy of being smug, “I think it’s often an instinctual thing. It was for me. Meanwhile, some people who can get pregnant and want children have the opposite instinct and choose to adopt instead. I think you’re just… like me, your heart is set on carrying a child, that doesn’t mean you have to, it just means that’s what feels right.”

Zuko hummed. “I think… I think a big part of it is that I want that experience with Sokka. Like… Agni, this is– Sorry, he’s your brother, might be weird, but the idea of having his kid does something to me.”

Katara snorted at that. “Yeah, that’s definitely part of that instinctual thing I talked about. I mean, in my case, that wasn’t a super big part of it, but I think a lot of people can relate to having that sort of realisation about their partner being what made them realise they wanted biological kids.”

“But I don’t want to want it,” Zuko groaned. “Like… pregnancy is terrifying! I know you’re currently pregnant so I won’t rant about all the things about it that could kill you but–”

Katara chuckled. “Yeah, it is. Being pregnant is a complicated, slightly terrifying, and very overwhelming thing,” she agreed. “But it’s also beautiful, intimate, and special. I mean… I’m literally growing a person inside my body right now. That’s sick.”

Zuko nodded slowly. “It– It is really cool. But the symptoms and potential dangers of pregnancy are… a lot. I mean– how did you move past the fears?”

Katara pursed her lips as she thought, making her resemblance to Sokka more obvious.

“I think I just kind of realised that I'm willing to take the risk,” she explained after a few moments. “Of course it’s scary at times but–” She rested a hand on her bump with a small smile. “–they make it worth it, you know? And I keep close contact with my midwife, keep good track of my symptoms, and in the end… Well, hopefully they’ll be here, with me.”

“How did you come to that conclusion though?” Zuko pressed, earning a huff.

“Soul searching,” she deadpanned.

“Katara.”

She rolled her eyes at him. “Research, consideration, talking about it, mainly with Aang in my case but for you…” She pursed her lips again as she examined him for a moment. “Well, that therapy thing might not be a bad idea.”

Zuko sat in silence for a moment, trying to collect himself.

“I’ll look into it.”

First order of business wasn’t therapy, but rather googling a very simple phrase,

transmasc experiences with pregnancy

Chapter Text

“Awe, look.” Sokka turned his phone to show Zuko the pictures Katara had sent of the nearly finished nursery. It was nice, lots of soft pastels, bigger furnishings in mainly blues and oranges. “It’s so clear this was decorated by those two in particular.”

“It’s cute, very them,” Zuko agreed, leaning back where he sat atop the counter. “I like the leopard-seal sketch,” he added knowingly.

“Truly one of my best works.” Sokka nodded. “Although, Yue’s polar bear-dog is probably better… maybe when we have a kid, she and I should collaborate instead,” he mumbled, as if in thought.

Zuko blinked stupidly at that, glad Sokka was still examining the picture on his phone rather than looking at him. It still caught him a bit off guard whenever it was brought up, even though it really shouldn’t. Like, sure, they weren’t quite at a point of trying or anything, but they did talk about it semi-regularly, so it definitely shouldn’t.

“Uhm, yeah,” Zuko said, voice just a bit too high-pitched.

Sokka looked back up at him, raising a questioning eyebrow, Zuko quickly looked away, picking up his coffee to take a just slightly too long sip.

“Did I say something?” Sokka asked after a moment of silence.

Zuko waved a dismissive hand at him, shaking his head. “No,” he replied after forcing the coffee down his throat, “just– caught me a bit off guard, I guess.”

“Oh,” Sokka said simply before muttering, “I said that out loud…” He put down his phone on the counter in front of him before waving the tenseness away nonchalantly. “Well,” he said, more decisively, “I stand by it, I think Yue and I could do some cute art together, she’s way better at rendering than ‘Mr. Graphic Designer Who Specialises in Brand Logos and Infographics’ over here, anyway.”

Zuko snorted. “That’s a long title.”

“Maybe I should start signing all my projects with that,” Sokka grinned, “or put it on a business card–Ah! I do those too.”

“I’d be surprised if you get any clients at all with that tagline,” Zuko deadpanned.

“I think I could manage,” Sokka dismissed, unbothered, grin still lingering on his face. “Seriously though, Zuuks,” he said, more serious now, raising a hand to rest his chin in it, “what’s bothering you, you don’t want to talk about kids too much or..?”

Zuko shifted a bit where he sat. “It’s not that, it’s just… it’s still a lot to me, to actually consider it seriously, talk about it as something that will happen, if that makes sense.”

Sokka nodded, eyebrows pulled slightly together, almost unnoticeably so but noticeable to Zuko because he knew Sokka’s face better than the back of his own hand. That was Sokka’s ‘slightly concerned but trying not to look it’-face.

“If you don’t actually want kids and just said it because I said I did–”

“What? No! No, that’s not at all–” Zuko cut himself off and closed his eyes as he took a deep breath, trying to refocus, trying to not let the fear turn into anger. Another deep breath, then he opened his eyes. “It’s just… scary. Okay?” he said with a sigh, still not really looking at Sokka. “Like… overwhelming levels of scary. Just– I don’t have a lot of good reference points for how families work, right? Not to mention my genetically passed down shit that… isn’t great, and potentially passing that down to someone else? It's all just… a lot.”

Now Sokka was frowning, which wasn’t exactly better but at least they were making progress. “It doesn’t have to happen now or anything,” he said, “and like, you don’t have to have biological kids if you don’t want that.”

Zuko bit his lip, looking down. “I think I do want that,” he admitted quietly, “I… want the experience. Which is even scarier.”

“‘Experience’?” Sokka repeated.

“Pregnancy,” Zuko clarified, although just saying it kind of made his heart rate pick up.

Sokka furrowed his brows. “That’s a difficult experience to have in a same-sex relationship,” Sokka muttered and Zuko just stared at him, nervousness forgotten because he just could not be serious right now.

“Sokka, sweetie,” he said after a few moments.

Sokka met his gaze. “Hmh?”

“That really isn’t a problem.”

Sokka blinked at him a few times. “But we’re both… men.”

Zuko honestly wasn’t sure if he should be flattered or offended at that so he just blinked right back.

On one hand, it was very cool of Sokka to just have Zuko categorised that firmly as a man in his brain. On the other hand, this idiot, who regularly saw Zuko naked and had been inside him Agni knows how many times… yeah, that guy had somehow forgotten Zuko had a vagina and a uterus.

“Sokka…” he said again. “Snowdrop, honey.” He gave Sokka a few more moments to remember but the man just kept staring at him with a bewildered expression. “I’m trans,” he stated at last.

The realisation was immediate and noticeable even from where Zuko was sitting. “Ohhhh! Riiight! We have– like… compatible parts– for making people, I mean– well, at least in theory–” he stuttered, growing more flustered by the second. “I’m gonna stop talking now.”

He closed his mouth and looked down with a face as red as a cherry. Zuko just chuckled fondly and pushed himself off the counter to walk over and place a kiss in Sokka’s hair.

“How did you forget that?” he asked with a laugh and Sokka looked up at him with a pout.

“I don’t know! I just thought… like– man plus man?” He let out a groan, burying his face in his hands. “I don’t know!”

“I own a strap-on,” Zuko pointed out.

“I know!”

“You’ve known me for over six years, you know damn well I’ve only had one gender affirming surgery.”

“Yeah…”

“You’ve been inside me.”

Sokka let out a half-groan, half-whine at that, making Zuko’s half-laughter evolve into a full on wheeze.

“Just strike me dead please,” Sokka whined.

Zuko just wrapped his arms around his boyfriend’s head and pulled him into his chest. “Ah, I love you,” he chuckled. “Really, I’m flattered.”

“Don’t patronise me!”

“Awe, but you make it so easy!”

“I hate you,” Sokka grumbled halfheartedly.

“No you don’t.”

“No I don’t,” he agreed with a sigh, squirming out of Zuko’s hold to look up at him. “Unclear why. You’re really infuriating sometimes.”

“That’s the reason you love me,” Zuko grinned, and since Sokka’s predictable, he hummed as he raised a hand behind Zuko’s neck to pull him down into a kiss. Zuko smiled into it, raising his right hand to cup Sokka’s cheek.

“You’re probably right,” Sokka mumbled once they parted.

Zuko smiled with a sigh as he backtracked in his mind, getting back on topic. “I could see myself having your kids,” he mumbled, a confession meant for both of them, running his thumb over Sokka’s cheek.

The look on Sokka’s face shifted to something like disbelief mixed with pure adoration.

“Really?” he breathed out.

Zuko bit his lip as he nodded. “Yeah,” he said. He wasn’t quite ready, not yet, but one day, he would be. Somewhere deep inside himself, he knew he would be.

The look of pure, unadulterated love that overtook all of Sokka’s features at that moment was hard to describe, Zuko wasn’t sure it was even possible. His wet eyes sparkled like ice in the sun as he rose from the barstool. He immediately pulled Zuko close, kissing him like he was the most precious thing in the world and Zuko loved it.

He kissed back with just as much feeling, hoping Sokka could understand just from that how much he meant those words.

“Have you actually thought about it?” Sokka asked when they pulled apart, voice soft, “Like, sat down and really just thought about it?”

Zuko nodded. “I’ve… Well, I’ve done some research,” he murmured, cupping Sokka’s face with his right hand, “talked to other trans men who’ve… gone through the whole pregnancy thing. I actually, uh, talked about it with Katara, first, a few weeks ago…”

Sokka’s blue eyes blinked at him, something resembling wonder in the depths of them. “You’ve really thought about it,” he mumbled.

Zuko felt his cheeks heat ever so slightly as he nodded again. “I mean… I don’t really know exactly when but– Like, if we want to, someday, it’s good to have the basic stuff figured out, right?”

The skin at the corners of Sokka’s eyes wrinkled in a smile. “Yeah,” he breathed before pulling Zuko into another kiss.