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It was around 4 P.M. on a Tuesday, the beginning of November, and classes had concluded a little over an hour ago at Welton.
Vermont always brought autumn weather in full force. The natural allure of the season was evident. Amber leaves float to the ground in chilled breezes, with a very light over-freezing on the lake. The grass slowly browned, and as the geese flocked south, the boys at Welton stayed surrounded by it all. For today, Neil found comfort with staying inside, preferring to stare outside his dorm window at the season’s beauty.
He had a few things sprawled out on the built-in window ledge. The first was his own body, sitting while leaning against where the window met the wall and his legs pulled leaving just enough space to have his copy of Five Centuries of Verse lay upward on his thighs. A notebook and pencil on the ledge along with his copy of A Midsummer’s Night Dream for practice later that evening.
The boy sat flipping through the pages of his verse book, skimming around a chapter Keating had presented parts of in class earlier. Rarely did Keating use the book as traditionally intended during a class, which is why Neil was intrigued when Keating told them to get out the text.
The poetry of Percy Bysshe Shelley was the lesson’s focus—yet another English romantic, known for his passion for personal love, justice, and liberation—it was nothing Keating hadn’t introduced to them before. Shelley’s works were straightforward enough, but one poem specifically stuck with Neil, which was why he found himself perched on the window ledge flipping through pages to get back to the short piece.
A few more pages later, he found it:
LOVE'S PHILOSOPHY:
The fountains mingle with the river, And the rivers with the ocean;
The winds of heaven mix forever, With a sweet emotion;
Nothing in the world is single;
All things by a law divine
In one another's being mingle: —
Why not I with thine?
See! the mountains kiss high heaven, And the waves clasp one another;
No sister flower would be forgiven
If it disdained its brother;
And the sunlight clasps the earth, And the moonbeams kiss the sea : —
What are all these kissings worth,
If thou kiss not me?
Neil looked up from his book to find his roommate with an armful of books.
Todd Anderson had entered their room the second Neil finished reading the last verse.
Todd Anderson—
Neil met him for the first time only three months ago. Over the past three months, Neil and Todd had grown close, and it wasn’t just the forced proximity as roommates. There was an immediate connection between the two boys, almost as though their shared passion for the arts, their upbringings, and their shared kind nature didn’t even need to be spoken. One of the first things Neil had picked up about Todd was his painfully quiet essence. However, he had certainly come out of his shell over the course of the semester. Not so much to maybe the others at Welton, but certainly when it came to Neil.
Todd grew the courage to share his writing with Neil sometimes, and he was a talented writer. It was an honor, as though Neil was witnessing Whitman create art right in his presence. Todd grew the courage to help Neil rehearse for the play too, of which, Todd politely declined at first. Neil being himself had eventually convinced Todd and from there, Todd certainly did not regret a second of it. Todd often got very into character too, and in fact, he wasn’t half bad either.
There were so many things Neil still wanted to know about his friend. Todd— the shy poet, with a master for the craft, and a talent Neil wished Todd himself would realize.
Neil wanted Todd to know how special he truly was.
That thought had sent a flutter to Neil’s chest one too many times this semester. It was all Neil wanted to do sometimes; if only to just let that butterfly go, “carpe diem”, and not have to worry about repercussions. As Neil usually does though, he kept the cage door shut and simply watched as Todd placed the new books onto his desk.
“Went to the library?”
Neil’s question got Todd to turn around to face him at the window.
“Yes, just a few things.” Todd glanced over to the library books and back to Neil, “the readings today had me curious is all. Also, t-thought I’d branch out a bit.” Todd reached over and grabbed the first book on top of the pile of four. He held up a book titled “ Ode to the West Wind and Other Poems” and Neil immediately recognized the author of the collection.
“P.B. Shelley?” Todd nodded to answer a “yes” and then placed the book back on top of the short pile.
“I was thinking about it again, too. His work was interesting to read today. Kind of different, but good, wasn’t it?” Neil looked toward his roommate with genuine enthusiasm. Todd again nodded his head in agreement.
“What did you think of Love’s Philosophy ?” Neil’s tone changed from solely enthusiastic to genuine curiosity. Todd stared at Neil for a brief second, “What d-do you mean?”
“Exactly what it sounds like, what did you think? Did you like it? Hate it? Understand it? Not get it at all?” Neil questioned his friend, and Todd luckily appeared to be understanding. “Of course, I liked it,” Todd paused. “Didn’t Keating mention it's supposed to be a s-seductive poem?” Todd can't help but slightly flush at the word and Neil can’t help but to scoff.
“I mean yes, but it’s more than that— much more than that. It feels like someone trying to convince another that love is natural— natural just like,” Neil pauses to find the lines he still has opened. He trails the page with his finger, and once Neil finds the spot, he dramatically puts his glasses back on to read.
The intentionally exaggerated gesture made Todd crack a smile and let out a soft laugh.
“Like the rivers and its oceans, the winds of heaven, and mountains. With the addition of course of sunlight and moonbeams.” Neil played around with his tone of voice, goofing around and reading like a professor delivering a lecture.
Neil places the book down and before Neil can talk again, Todd takes the lead of the conversation.
“The ‘kissings’ part was interesting," Todd added, and Neil raised an eyebrow.
“How so?”
Neil’s inquiry put the spotlight on Todd this time.
“Well, kisses being compared to these natural- uh- occurrences in nature? It’s an interesting metaphor? Allegory? It’s d-definitely different,” Todd moved from his desk to sit on his bed, “It’s basically saying, love is always… natural.” Todd looked up to Neil again, instead to find Neil’s eyes widened at Todd, and his facial expression set to a high degree of admiration.
Something in Todd’s chest tugged.
“ What are all these kissings worth, if thou kiss not me? ” Neil repeated, looking right at Todd.
It tugged again.
“The ‘kissings’ meaning— y-you know, the interconnection of nature and a kiss…” Todd spoke, “It’s the poet trying to convince the reader to kiss them.”
There was that tug again.
“Now, that’s a good interpretation,” Neil continued, and Todd shook his head in agreement.
“I-I guess.”
Neil carried on.
“I think it’s saying the same thing too— the nature of love—“ Neil paused to think and Todd felt his throat oddly tighten.
“I’m curious,” t he question hit Todd like a truck. “Have you ever kissed someone? You know, had a first kiss? First relationship?”
Todd felt the tugging again.
He didn’t want to answer, but Todd’s eyes caught Neil’s genuinely curious gaze and he knew he was trapped. There was no way out of this.
“Please j-just, just don’t laugh at me.” Todd’s tone came off like a wary plea. Neil seemed taken aback but responded.
“Why would I laugh at you?”
“Okay,” Todd took Neil’s question as enough to continue. He took a breath in and stuttered, “W-well, I haven’t had a first kiss.” Neil’s eyes grew at Todd’s words. He stared at his roommate and his lips parted just a little bit at the confession. “You’re serious? Never?” Neil couldn’t help but snicker after his words.
“I’m serious.” Todd looked down to continue his explanation. He fidgeted with his fingers, picking at his nails, and then raised his head to take note of the amusement still plastered on Neil’s face. “Hey, you said you wouldn’t laugh!” Todd didn’t mean for his tone to come off as harsh as it did, but luckily Neil seemed to know Todd’s intention. Neil leaned against the wall, looking back down to Todd, and crossed his arms.
“I’m sorry, it’s a little funny.” Neil tried to work out another playful smile and short laugh, but when Neil’s eyes caught Todd’s face, he knew that would not be the best idea. “But, I only did it because I’m shocked.” Todd took his turn to snicker at a comment.
“Oh, don’t kid yourself! Be serious! Not sure why, because actually, it makes a lot of sense to me.”
Neil retorted.
“And, why is that?”
Neil jumped into the deep end a little too quickly for Todd’s liking, or even for Todd to like to begin with.
“Just,“ Todd cautiously went on, “Maybe I just haven’t found the right person— or I haven’t found the right time.” Todd thought in silence for another second but eventually began again. “I a-am not very good with that kind of… s-stuff… to begin with…”
He became timid again, but more than usual. Todd’s voice slowed, tripped over a few words, and let some linger longer than they were meant to have. He played with his hands, cautiously looking around the room, and then found his glance back on Neil. Neil knew Todd’s mannerisms well enough to know this conversation was some sort of stressor to him. Neil’s thoughts dared to wander in a few different directions.
“Okay, maybe you do have a point, or quite possibly, it may just be the reason you don’t open up to people easily?” Neil questioned with an interesting sarcastic implication, which caused Todd to feel a pang of deepening realization.
“But hey, that’s okay. I get what you mean,” Neil added. Todd ignored the previous accusation and before he could think it through, Todd made his first thought verbal.
“You’ve never kissed anyone either?”
Todd regretted it immediately. There was an odd stirring feeling in Todd, one that didn’t really want to know the answer to that question, and Todd wasn’t fully sure as to why.
“You won’t laugh at me?”
The friendly mocking of Todd’s own question got him to lighten up a bit, and Neil’s smug expression got Todd to faintly smile. “No,” Todd huffed, “why would I laugh at you?” Todd tried his best to imitate Neil’s tone, bringing his voice down a diminutive octave for the full effect, and also in an attempt to settle the anxiety in his stomach. This made Neil’s smile extend across his face. It took a few seconds until he regained seriousness after the banter, and Neil opened his mouth again.
“I’ve kissed people, yes.”
Todd’s eyes grew and his lips parted just a bit. “Are you shocked?” Neil snorted at Todd, but again in a joking manner. “No,” Todd blurted to his surprise, “n-no, I’m not.” He lowered his voice and it thankfully worked to clean up his embarrassment, at least for now. What he said was true though. Todd wasn’t surprised at all. Maybe Todd wanted to be shocked, but if he was being realistic, Todd couldn’t.
Neil was- well, Neil. He was charming, outgoing, passionate, and good with words. Todd’s internal dialogue was cut off when the adjective “beautiful” popped into his head. Todd began fidgeting with his fingers again as the feeling, now warmer and soaking in his chest, came back. It only kept rising, and then falling, only to end up rising. He hoped it would fall again soon.
This wasn’t a completely new development for Todd. This happened around his friend often, and just today, the context of the conversation seemed to set it off in a more intense manner. Todd wanted to ignore it— he really did. He tried. Unfortunately, Todd’s curiosity took the best of him, and without thinking he asked about it.
“So, who?”
Neil wasn’t bothered by the request, understood it immediately, and instead just went into it.
“Well, my first kiss was with some girl on a playground in the 6th grade. I don’t even remember her name. Honestly, all I remember was Charlie telling me to do it because she liked me. Afterward on the walk back home, he teased me the whole way- and about catching cooties.” Neil huffs a laugh. “So, she was my first kiss, technically.” Neil’s eyes drifted to the window. The look on his face was difficult to read but he was blatantly thinking about something more.
“There were others,” Neil added abruptly, and this only captured Todd's apprehensive attention further. “There was a girl my freshman year. She went to Henley. Charlie set us up— actually, it was a ‘double date’— him and a girl, then myself and her friend.” Neil looked amused but strangely rolled his eyes at the recollection. “She ended up moving towns just a few weeks later. We never kept in touch.”
Todd found his eyes still fixed on Neil, and Neil only continued.
“The same thing happened with another girl spring of sophomore year, and yes, ‘double date’ too. Two Henley girls, two friends, and Charlie gave me secondhand embarrassment. Instead this time no, no— she didn’t move towns this time. She transferred to a public school.” Todd’s only response was to shake his head in some sort of understanding. He didn’t know these girls Neil mentioned, but it was the only thing Todd could get himself to react with.
“Last semester at the spring formal with Henley, there was Emily Sander. She took me to the dance floor, and we danced a little bit. We got along well, and honestly, she was a great person! Then, she kissed me.” The tone in Neil’s voice altered with the mention of Emily. Todd couldn’t tell exactly what his roommate was contemplating, but whatever it was only continued to make Todd feel worse. Neil went on.
It was only about to get worse.
“She was pretty though— dirty blonde and blue-eyed, and she was a nice girl too. After the dance though, I never saw her again. It was a one-night thing, and honestly, I feel bad I never did more—“
“Well, now I feel like an even bigger loser.”
It was abrupt, and Todd didn’t fully expect his comment to shoot from his mouth. There was almost a disappointing tone in Todd’s voice, both with annoyance at himself and also disappointment by the fact he and Neil didn’t seem to share another thing in common. A thought of a possible third factor at play here popped into Todd’s head. Todd felt himself silently clear his throat and then hold his breath.
Luckily, Neil didn’t seem to notice.
“Don’t ever call yourself a loser, Todd.” Neil took a pause after. “You didn’t let me finish what I was saying.”
Todd felt himself get more antsy as Neil began again.
“I was going to say I get what you mean— none of those kisses felt ‘right’, you know? They all just happened. Not even with Emily last semester, it just didn’t feel romantic. Under the lights on a dance floor, a good-looking girl, joking around together, and all that. It should have felt romantic, but no.” Neil seemed to drift off into his thoughts. “It’s just like you said. It’s not what Shelley describes, right? Just not natural, and not right for me.” Neil laughed to himself and then flashed a nervous smile to Todd, and slowly directed his eyes onto the floor. His expression changed to something Todd couldn’t completely read, but his face radiated some sort of embarrassment, or possibly a mix of confusion.
Throughout the conversation, Neil had worked his way over closer and closer to Todd who was sitting on his bed. Now, Neil eyed the empty space next to Todd on the bed and looked to Todd for confirmation. All Todd did was nod, and he almost wished he hadn’t.
Neil sat down next to Todd and made immediate eye contact with him.
“I’ve always felt different, well, I’ve always been different.” Neil took in a deep breath, his eyes drifted from Todd’s for a quick second and then came back into contact. “Don’t get me wrong I love Charlie— he’s been my best friend since grade school and he’s like a brother to me— but it doesn’t help sometimes to have him flaunting his ‘expertise’ around.”
Neil was going on a tangent, and all Todd could do was sit and feel that feeling stir in him.
“And there’s Knox now with Chris— and hey! I’m glad he’s happy chasing after her like an idiot— I am— but she has a boyfriend! Chet Danburry! Oh, and don’t get me started on the Danburry’s— Ginny Danburry? You know, Chet’s fucking sister?”
Todd knew that when Neil cursed, this meant he was serious.
“God, she’s a great actress and a great person! She’s in the play with me— playing Hermia. The other day, another cast member told me she was planning to make a move after the play— and I don’t know what to do! She’s a great friend! She’s so nice, and I don’t know how to say I’m not interested— I don’t know how! I just wish it was easier, you know? Hell, it took me till recently to even realize I don’t like—“
Neil’s eyes widened, looking away from Todd in a realization of what he was doing. Neil cut himself off there, and his face fell into his hands.
Todd felt utterly sick now. His mind was fogged, his stomach ached, and he couldn’t work up the strength to speak yet. Worst of all, Todd’s mind wanted to finish the sentence, it really wanted to. At least Todd wanted to believe how Neil’s sentence could have concluded.
At least Todd understood this lingering feeling now...
Neil rubbed his temples with both hands, one on each side. “Oh god, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to go on such a–” Neil took a second, “a rant.” Maybe it was empathy, a mode of comfort, or just a basic understanding of what a friend should do- Todd didn’t want to debate that right now- but suddenly Neil found a hand around his shoulder. Todd was sitting next to his roommate, arm wrapped around his shoulders, and comforting Neil the best he was comfortable.
“I might not be able to relate to the actual situations, Neil, but I understand,” Todd wanted to phrase this in a way that wasn’t entirely straightforward, but not too subtle, but still only enough to test the waters.
Neil lifted his head from his hands as he felt the arm around his shoulders, but his head only perked up more at the sound. “Believe me… I-I get it.” Todd’s voice stuttered again. Neil only stared at the boy next to him. His face became quizzical and attempted to scan Todd’s face for some sort of answer key.
Maybe Neil wanted to be right— he wanted his answer to be the definitive solution— but maybe there was a chance, he was hearing this right. Luckily for Neil, he would be correct.
The tension jumped to a sudden halt when Neil felt Todd’s lips on his own.
Todd knew it was messy— and it was. Both boys were stiff, their posture not changing, possibly both from the impulsivity of the gesture or primarily the shock of Todd taking the move. Neil sat to simply allow Todd’s head to spin at the touch. It ended almost as quickly as it had started.
Neil pulled back first.
Todd stared back, and his mind went numb at the sight.
Shit.
Neil's expression was flustered, and an expression Todd had never seen on him. He shuttered a breathe in and out. His eyes were wide with shock. His mouth was open. His brows were raised and the blacks of his eyes dilated.
Shit.
Todd could only come to one conclusion; Neil was a perfectly painted image of fear.
Shit—
Neil didn’t say a word, only keeping the glare on Todd. Todd’s now heavy breathing was enough to be heard. His stomach cramped up, his hands were damp, and now Todd wouldn’t be surprised if he was too making the face Neil was ogling at him. With no reassurance from Neil, with no word from Neil, and with the stare that Todd declared spoke too many words itself— Todd broke down.
It was a waterfall. It was embarrassing. It was pathetic. It was all the things Todd believed he was, just now it all jumped out of him. Especially now, that he fucked up.
After the second sob to draw from Todd’s mouth, Neil broke from the trance he was in.
“Hey, hey hey,” Neil’s voice lowered in a soothing tone as his hands found their way to cuff Todd’s cheek. Neil ran a finger quickly under Todd’s eye to clear some of the fallen tears. “There’s no need to cry.”
The touch and gesture only caused Todd to let out another sob. His eyes were locked shut, his hands still in his lap, but now tightened into fists. Neil looked scared, but not quite coming close to matching the level of fear in his roommate. “Please don’t worry. Please, Todd,” Neil let his fingers caress the side of Todd’s face again, “I’m right here.”
Neil raised his brows at Todd, attempting to soothe the boy again. Neil shot Todd a worried smile as he searched Todd’s face for– something.
“Oh,” Todd sniffled, looking up at Neil.
His eyes were now puffy, filled with an unpleasant panic and tears. Before Neil could say anything else, Todd finally spoke.
“Neil,” Todd shuttered out words the best he could. His eyes remained shut tight. “I'm so sorry! I’m a-awful at reading things and I’m a-an idiot! I messed up, and I know I did and y-you don’t have to stay here. Y-you can leave! I’m so,” Todd hiccuped, “sorry!” Neil loosened his grip on Todd’s face, pulling his face and body away a bit. “T-this isn’t right, I shouldn’t be thinking like this!” Todd sobbed. “I’m such a mess-“
Before Todd could say anything else, Neil interrupted.
“Well, if you’re a mess, then I’m a fucking disaster.”
There is yet another pause between their breath and words. Todd’s breathing was still shaky as his chest palpitated. The next line Neil shot from his lips almost killed Todd right then and there.
“This time, can I kiss you?”
Todd’s ears rang. Neil’s question echoed through the small room. The sound bounced between them until Todd deflected the silence with a nod. He gave Neil a nod and somehow managed to speak the word, “Okay,” in a shutter.
That’s when Neil pulled in close again, filling the space between the two of them. Maybe it wasn’t the best thing to do at the moment, however, impulse works in untamable ways. This time the kiss was tender, and unlike the last time, a mind-numbing confidence lingered between both sets of chapped lips. Neil’s hand found its way into Todd’s hair, and Todd’s hands released from their tense grasp. Neil deepened the feeling and Todd didn’t object, simply letting Neil take the lead. While it was still longer than the first, it concluded just as fast, with Neil once again being the one to fall away first.
Todd wanted to break down again for multiple reasons, but instead, he sat dazed, mouth open slightly, breathing unsteady, and then sniffled as he stared directly into the deep eyes in front of him. Neil had a similar expression on his face, but this time less scared. Instead, he looked confident and smirked gently at the sight of Todd’s face.
“Happy to have been your first kiss, Anderson.”
Todd didn’t speak a word, but he realized Neil essentially knew. If there was anyone who could read his face, it would be Neil Perry. Todd felt anxiety hit him again when he realized Neil’s gaze slowly melted back into that confused-embarrassed look he’d worn earlier.
“I’ve wanted to do that for a while, you know,” Neil’s face flushed and his eyes drifted away, “I just never knew if… I could.”
Both boys knew what Neil meant by this. There was no question as to what it meant.
They sat in the silence of their dorm room. Neil dared to rub his thumb along Todd’s hand. They shit a few glances at each other, but shockingly it didn’t feel awkward— it only felt natural. Todd took another unsteady inhale, still trying to dry any remaining tears. Neil only smiled faintly, admiring Todd’s face with a gentle elegance. This lasted for a minute, both boys simply admiring one another, up until Neil had switched places with Todd.
Todd’s eyes widened when he noticed Neil’s own eyes swell with a sudden waterline of tears. Neil took a deep breath, and then his breath hitched through partially opened lips. This time Todd found his hand holding Neil’s.
“I’m just very,” he inhaled, “happy, very happy. I’m so fucking happy, Todd,” Neil's voice drifted, “At the same time I’m scared— I won’t lie when I say I-I’m scared.”
Todd didn’t object, he didn’t say a word— he understood.
Neil pressed his cheek into Todd’s warm outstretched palm, sighing at the touch. Neil’s eyes watered but still no tears fell directly. He took a gulp, and a cough, and let his hands slip around Todd’s arm. Neil pulled Todd closer and to no detest. Todd placed his other hand on Neil’s back and pulled him closer to his own body. They sat in each other’s arms for a moment. Neil’s breathing began to shallow and Todd’s heart rate was still beating far too loud. For once, neither one of them cared.
Todd took the next leap of faith to break the established silence. He took a shuttered breath in and out and rubbed Neil’s back in a very slow circular motion.
“I won’t tell anyone.”
Those four words broke the built-up dam that was Neil’s eyes. Todd felt his palm dampen almost immediately. Both boys only pulled each other closer. Neil’s shallow cries were muffled slightly by the warm closeness and Todd continued the circles onto his back. The moment picked up where it had left off as they sat like this for another minute. Todd felt Neil’s head lift off of his shoulder. Todd moved his hand away slowly from underneath him as Neil picked his head up.
“Thank you,” Neil sniffed and wiped his eyes with his forearm.
Todd didn’t know what to exactly say, so he did what he normally would do.
“You’re welcome.”
Their bodies were still close together, enough to still provide comfort. Their eyes were still locked on each other, still in the odd position they found themselves in, however, now there was a calming clarity. Yet, the silence was still potent. They sat in the position for a while.
Until Neil laughed.
He laughed.
Todd felt his heart race fast again, trying for whatever reason to comprehend the staggered emotions going through both his and Neil’s mind.
“Guess what?” Neil giggled as gently as possible. His brown eyes were glowing with something new Todd had never seen. He looked amazed and Todd felt his body tense when he watched Neil delicately run his hand over his lips. Neil stared straight at Todd’s, eyes full of life.
“Okay, I am about to sound so cheesy but,” Neil huffed a sharp laugh, “That was real.”
If Neil’s laugh wasn’t so contagious, Todd would not be laughing at this realization now either.
But, here they were; boyish joy returned, and stares finally dared to be shared with their truest intent. After a while, Neil stopped and held onto Todd’s hand that was placed on his knee. Todd let out one less chuckle and smirked up to Neil.
“So,” Todd found the courage, “what now?” Todd held his breath. Neil mimicked Todd’s smirk the best he could to release the tension.
“I don’t know. Just— be us? We’re still the same we’ve always been.”