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i.
The first time Clarke Griffin met Wells Jaha she knew they would be the best of friends. It was in the beginning of her freshman year of high school, and Abby had dragged her to another one of her fundraiser dinners. Clarke was bored out of her mind and annoyed at the prospect of having to small talk with all of the rich people Abby wanted to squeeze money out of. At least when there were speeches she could eat in peace and roll her eyes without her mother giving her that trademark Disapproving Glare.
Just as someone onstage said something particularly obnoxious Clarke made eye contact with the boy who sat across from her at the table. He rolled his eyes at her and she grinned and rolled her eyes back at him. They continued sending each other exasperated looks during the course of the meal and when the speeches were done Clarke was really curious to meet her new ally. However her mother dragged her away to meet the dean of some college or other and she lost track of him.
When Clarke finally got away from her mother again she decided to sneak a drink from the open bar and just as she sipped the glass of champagne, a voice behind her, said: “My dad’s the mayor, so I go to a lot of these things. Nice to know I don’t suffer alone.”
She looked at the person speaking and found the boy from before. He was about her age and was smiling politely at her.
“You definitely don’t, these things are the absolute worst. My mom is Chief of Medicine at Ark hospital, and her main source of happiness in life seems to come from making me suffer.”
His smile grew into a full-on grin and she poured him a glass of champagne.
“I know exactly what you mean. I always wondered if it was something all parents did or just my dad having an extremely unhealthy way of showing affection.”
“It’s definitely not something all parents do. We are just both really unlucky.”
He held out his hand and she took it and shook.
“I’m Wells.”
“Clarke.”
They both took a sip of their drinks and she found out he went to the same horribly expensive private school her mom had decided to enroll her in, that he played soccer and that his mom had died when he was 5.
She told him about her mother failing to save her father when he was crushed in a freak accident at a construction site where he had been assessing safety protocols, that she loved to draw, and that she had stopped talking to all of her friends when her dad had died.
When his dad made him come meet some wealthy businessperson they exchanged numbers and promised to look for each other at school.
And Clarke Griffin was right about Wells Jaha. They did become the best of friends. Throughout high school they stuck together and Abby and Wells’s dad Thelonius basically started planning the wedding.
Clarke told her mother time and again that it wasn’t actually romantic between her and Wells, and she meant it too. Eventually Abby accepted that she wouldn’t be a grandmother to Griffin-Jaha super babies, and that was that.
***
The day before Clarke was supposed to start her senior year, Clarke and Wells were hanging out in the park, trying to put off going home and to sleep for as long as possible.
“I really like you Clarke. Like a lot.”
Clarke sent him a teasing smile
“I know, you tell me like 5 times a day. I’m basically your only friend.”
That wasn’t exactly untrue either. Wells’s dad wasn’t the most popular guy in town at the moment and that meant Wells wasn’t the most popular by proxy.
“Be serious for at minute.”
Clarke’s smile fell and when she looked in his eyes she saw something she hadn’t seen before. There was a longing in them that made her shiver.
He swallowed and she could basically read the emotions on his face as he felt them. He looked vaguely horrified when she took pity on him.
“Okay, I’m serious.”
“I want to be your friend forever, I really do. But I also want to be more than friends because, God you mean so much to me. And I understand if you don’t want that, I just wanted you to know, and I’m really sorry I just word vomited all over you.”
She felt the butterflies in her stomach flutter when she leaned over and pressed her lips against his. It was a chaste kiss, barely over before it began, but the light in Wells’s eyes warmed her all the way to her fingertips. He took her hand in his and squeezed it hard, and when she went home that night – lips swollen and heart full, she could just feel that her senior year was going to be the absolute best.
In retrospect she should have known that she wouldn’t be so lucky because when was she ever.
***
When her mom woke her up in the middle of her night 3 weeks after Wells had asked her to be his Official Girlfriend™ she knew it couldn’t be good news. The last time she had been woken like this her father had died in a hospital bed after a surgery her mother hadn’t even told her about, so the sight of her mother over her now, grief in her eyes and gravel in her voice, felt like a bucket of ice.
“Clarke… I’m so sorry.”
“What - what is it?”
Her mother just stared at her, the words seemingly stuck somewhere in her throat.
“Mom?”
The word broke Abby’s trance, maybe because Clarke hadn’t called her that since her father’s death.
“It’s Wells. He was in an accident. Thelonius just called. He said there was nothing they could do. He was DOA.”
Abby kept talking, but Clarke didn’t hear a word. She had drawn her knees up to her chest and just sat there staring at her mother. She felt the crack form in her and knew that she would never be the same again.
“We were supposed to meet for ice cream tomorrow.”
From her expression, Clarke had interrupted something Abby was saying, but now she just looked like she had been slapped.
“Oh Clarke. I wish -“
“I wanna see him.”
Abby looked at her for a while and then took her hand.
“Yeah okay. Get dressed, and we’ll go to the hospital.
ii.
The first time Clarke met Finn Collins she knew he was just what she needed. A transfer student to her high school, he had no idea who she was, or what had happened to her almost 3 months ago, and so he seemed the perfect opportunity for distraction. Finn looked soft and kind, and he looked at her like the sun was shining for the first time.
She knew she was still grieving, and if she ever forgot someone would remind her by doing something or saying something that reminded her of Wells or by sending her that Look of pity that she had gotten so used to.
But Finn didn’t give her the look and that made him the only person she could tolerate being around. She really never had any intention of dating him, didn’t think she could ever date anyone after what had happened, but Finn was patient and funny in a quiet sort of way, and on the 3rd month anniversary of His death, when she had been crying in the bathroom the entire recess he had taken one look at her and said: “You’re cutting class with me today.”
He took her hand and led her out of the school and over to his car in the lot.
“You don’t have to do this you know.”
He looked at her, a sympathetic look in his eyes.
“I don’t know what you mean Princess. I just really didn’t have AP chemistry with professor Wallace in me today.”
She smiled at him, grateful, and they spent the day at his place watching Netflix and eating disgusting junk food.
***
“Oh, I totally killed you! That was legendary!”
Clarke was on the Counter Strike kill streak of her entire fucking life and Finn was an inch from hurling the controller into the wall.
“You know, you could at least try to play fair Princess.” He growled through his teeth.
She raised an eyebrow at him and threw a crooked grin his way.
“Life isn’t fair, my guy. Annnd i just won the level. Let’s do something else before you have an embolism or something.”
He threw the controller away and looked at her something akin to awe in his eyes.
“I have never had my ass so thoroughly kicked before. I am honestly impressed.”
“I am honestly impressing, I thought you knew that by now.”
“Oh, I’m aware,” he said and out of nowhere his one hand was on hers and the other was cupping her face. He leaned in slowly, probably expecting her to pull away, but her brain had completely shut down. He must have taken this as permission because suddenly he was kissing her hungrily. Her mouth opened in compliance at the pressure of his tongue and for a while she was lost in the kiss. This was something completely different from what she had tried before; so different from the way Wells had kissed her. The thought of him made her freeze and then pull away.
Finn was looking at her, confusion obvious on his face mixed with something that could have been guilt. She wasn’t exactly sure why he felt guilty, but she sure as shit knew why she did. Clarke had promised herself she would never feel the way she had with Wells about anyone else. Life really wasn’t fair. She felt as if she had betrayed his memory by allowing herself to get lost with Finn, but the thing was she didn’t feel the same way about Finn as she had with Wells. She liked him, that much she was certain of, but it felt different somehow, new in a way she desperately needed.
“You know I’ve been through some shit right?”
He nodded slowly.
“I’ve been told bits and pieces here and there.”
“Yeah, well, I’m fucked up, but if you wanna try this, I’m willing.
He looked startled, like his was the last thing he had expected but a slow smile crept on his beautiful face.
“I wanna try. Definitely.”
***
Finn’s hand, under her shirt, had just reached her bra when the door smacked open, a beautiful girl visible in the opening.
“Hey Finn, the door was open, so I let mysel – what the fuck?!”
Finn’s hand withdrew so quickly, she thought he might actually have stretched a muscle or two, and he was on his feet in seconds.
“Raven, what are you doing here?” he asked, voice frantic.
“What am I doing here?” The girl’s voice was so high she thought dogs might be coming to visit soon, summoned by the frequency.
Clarke adjusted her shirt and felt herself crack. Things had been going so well with Finn. She should have been waiting for the other shoe to drop and now it had, hitting her in the face on its way down.
“I can explain honestly, if you’ll just-”
“Your hand was up her fucking shirt Collins, I don’t think I want to hear anything you have to say.”
Suddenly the girl’s eyes were on Clarke, and there was lightning and thunderstorms in them.
“My name is Raven and he,” her finger was pointing accusingly at Finn, “was my boyfriend of 5 years, whom I wanted to surprise on our fucking anniversary. Want to get out of here?”
Clarke’s body unfreezes and before she knows it she and Raven are on their way to her house to get mind numbingly drunk.
She felt so stupid and ashamed. She had let a person in, despite her best intentions and he had fucked her over completely. She told Raven this after their 5th shot and she snorted.
“You and me both buddy. I moved here to be with him, you know. That’s gonna be awkward on Monday.”
“Fuck that. You and I are hanging out this weekend and on Monday we’ll shove our new awesome friendship in his fucking face. “
“Cheers to that.”
iii.
The first time Clarke met Lexa she knew that this girl would consume her. She was at your stereotypical college party, and hadn’t dated seriously since the Finn Fiasco in her senior year of college. She was a sophomore in college now, and had been at this party for exactly 13 minutes when a drunken frat boy started hitting on her ceaselessly.
Clarke was looking around for Raven and Monty to try to signal some variation of “save me” to them, but they were nowhere in sight.
“-know, your eyes are really blue.” Frat Boy says leaning in too close.
She took yet another step back and rolled her eyes.
“Thanks, I’ve noticed.”
“No, like so blue. Like,” an arm wrapped around Clarke’s waist and Frat Boy’s eyes widened as an unfamiliar voice said: “Hey babe, have you been waiting long?” and someone kisses her cheek.
“Whoa sorry.” Frat Boy said, and stumbled away, on to his next victim. When Clarke looked at her rescuer she kind of understood his reaction. The girl with her arm still at Clarke’s waist was striking to say the least. She had cheekbones for days, her eye make up was intense, and Clarke was insanely attracted to her.
“Sorry, you looked like you needed a save there.”
“Oh no, I definitely did. He was about to tell me for the 7th time how blue my eyes are. Like really blue bro.”
When the girl laughed her entire face lit up and Clarke thought that she wouldn’t mind soaking in this girl’s personal ray of sun for a while.
“Happy to help then. I’m Lexa Woods. Poli Sci.”
“Clarke Griffin. Pre-Med”
“Impressive. I always thought doctors were hot. Or at least the ones on Grey’s Anatomy.”
Clarke choked on her drink and coughed for a while not exactly knowing what to say. She had realized she was bisexual when she and Raven had gotten drunk after graduation and made out for half an hour, and Clarke had been really into it. Raven hadn’t though so they agreed to just be friends instead. So it wasn’t like this was some big bi revelation for her, but she had never really tried to hit in a girl she really liked or tried being hit on for that matter.
“Yeah, it’s a sexy field.” She said and immediately regretted it because she really wanted to impress this girl.
“I bet,” Lexa said with a smirk, and God, her lips were out of this world. Then Clarke felt that familiar twinge of guilt and regret that she always got when she considered dating someone new. She really should leave and find Raven and Monty, but there was something about this girl that made it impossible for Clarke to leave, and she had a sneaking suspicion that no one could deny Lexa anything. There was something so self-assured in the way she stood, almost commandeering, and she was obviously born to be a politician.
Clarke fiddled with her beer, knew she had stared at Lexa too long without saying anything and tried and failed at saying something intelligent. When an equally striking looking girl came up to Lexa, pulling her away, Clarke sighed in relief and then regret. They would probably never meet again, and Clarke had blown her chance by doubting herself once again.
“I know this is really forward, but i really would love to get coffee with you sometime, Lexa said, as she was half dragged away by her friend. “I’m sorry if I misread any signals, but you are really cute so I figured i would give it a shot.”
“No, you didn’t! I would love to get coffee. I live at Stevenson Hall. Room 214. You should come find me some day.”
When Lexa was out of sight, Raven materialized and high fived her.
“Way to score Griffin, that chick was hot as fuck.”
“I’d still pick you first, babe.”
***
Clarke couldn’t really help herself from being closed off when it came to love and it was at times like these she really wished her father was still alive. She had always been closer with him than her mom and the thought of going to her mom with girl problems was practically absurd. What would she even say, “Hey mom, I know you think this bi thing is just a phase but there’s this really hot and smart girl who is trying very hard to date me, and I can’t help pulling back because my first boyfriend died and my second boyfriend used me to cheat on his girlfriend who is now my best friend.” Yeah that would fly really well.
Still Clarke had been actively trying to not cockblock (could you even say that when it was two women?) herself, when it came to Lexa and they had hung out a couple of times, watching movies and throwing popcorn at each other. One time they had played Uno for 3 hours because apparently Lexa was a very sore loser and Clarke was very lucky that day. In the end Lexa had thrown the deck at Clarke’s face and stormed out. Half an hour later Clarke got a text saying Anya is making me apologize for being a baby. Sorry. See u tmrw? and Clarke couldn’t help laughing.
So when Clarke ran into Lexa at a party Raven, Jasper and Monty had dragged her to, it felt like it was time to kick it up a notch. Clarke genuinely liked Lexa, and whenever they were together she felt happy. It was different from Wells, because Clarke was older now, and different from Finn, because Clarke was no longer actively grieving the loss of the boy she thought she would be with forever. She really hoped this was different.
Lexa noticed her and smiled, pushing through the crowd to give Clarke a tight hug.
“I’m really glad you are here, I was so extremely bored by this party.”
“Then I’m glad, I’m here too,” Clarke sighed. “Wanna get out of here?”
Then Lexa was leading her through the door and out onto the street and suddenly they were on Lexa’s couch and pressed up tight against each other.
Clarke let her fingers weave through Lexa’s silky hair and enjoyed the feeling of being touched in all the right places.
It was like an exhale of a breath she hadn’t known she had been holding when their lips met, and Clarke could see stars. Their mouths worked together in perfect symmetry, biting, tasting, getting lost in one another and Clarke thought she could live in this one moment forever. She wasn’t a whole person, not by a long shot. The cracks in her were still there, but when Lexa was touching her that didn’t seem to matter.
They both broke away for air and when Lexa giggled (giggled!) it was the best sound she had ever heard, and she knew she was in love.
***
“It’s like you don’t even care that I’m unhappy.”
“Clarke, of course I care. I just know that if you do this you will come to regret it. You were meant for such great things. How are you going to achieve that by studying art?”
“You sound like a fucking fortune teller Lexa. I don’t want to be a doctor. The only reason I was ever pre-med was my mother and you know that. Why are you always pushing this shit?”
They had had this fight a couple of times before and each time Clarke had caved and decided to give pre-med another chance, but she was officially done. She had lost every ounce of motivation to go to class and something had to change. She figured her major was as a good place as any to start. Lexa did not agree.
“Well did you ever think that your mother just wants what’s best for you? Just like I do.”
“And what’s best for me is hating my classes and dreading graduation and the next 40 years of my life because i have to follow in the footsteps of a woman who couldn’t even save her own damn husband?”
She was overreacting and she knew it, just as she knew what Lexa would say next.
“Your are such a drama queen. Grow up, and call me when you are capable of having a real conversation.”
But when Clarke called 3 days later to apologize it was Anya who picked up the phone.
“She left. Got an internship in Paris. I think she sent you a letter or something. Should arrive any day.”
When it did arrive Clarke didn’t open it, just stared at it for a while until she found a box of matches and lit the thing on fire. Raven walked in just as the smoke detector went off and decided that Clarke had moped enough.
“We are gonna drink until you can’t remember your own name.”
But Clarke was cracked and broken and she had been left again, and nothing Raven could say would change that. Damaged goods didn’t float and neither would she.
iv.
The first time Clarke met Bellamy Blake he was an absolute asshole and she thought she would never see him again so she was an asshole right back.
She was running late for a job interview in some fancy building for a job she was never going to get, but really wanted anyway. When she saw an open elevator she ran for it.
“Hold the door please!”
Instead the dickhead in the elevator pressed the fucking close button. Clarke barely made it in, turning around to glare at the person who tried to sabotage her day. He was attractive, there was no denying it, but she was furious and when he didn’t even try to at least fake apologize she let out a frustrated “hrmpf” and proceeded to press every single button in the elevator.
In hindsight it probably wasn’t the best idea she had ever had, seeing as she had to go to the 17th floor, but he had to go to the 23 rd so she figured she won.
“What the actual fuck?”
The dickhead was looking at her in pure disbelief, and she couldn’t help but be a little proud of herself, even if she did have to spend 17 entire floors with the guy.
“You fucking started it, so don’t even try.”
“I have no idea what you mean” At least now he had the decency to look sort of guilty, but she was late to her interview now so she might as well burn all her bridges.
“I saw you pressing the close button. Who even does that?”
“What can I say, I’m an asshole.”
“That’s for sure.”
Clarke didn’t think she would ever see the person she had named the Elevator Dickhead to anyone who would listen to her story, again. She had actually almost forgotten about it, when Octavia, her new roommate told her, her brother was coming over for dinner.
When Clarke opened the door to reveal Bellamy Blake, everyone and their mother was shocked when she immediately slammed it in his face.
“Wait, Bell is the Elevator Dickhead? That is absolutely hilarious,” Octavia opened the door and let a slightly shocked looking Bellamy into the apartment. “Bell, this is my roommate Clarke, she already hates your guts. Clarke this is my brother Bellamy and he is an asshole.”
Octavia, of course found the situation endlessly amusing, and Clarke probably would have too if it weren’t for the fact that Bellamy seemed to genuinely hate her.
At first he was just quiet, but when he found out how rich she actually was, it was never far between the snide remarks and sarcastic nicknames. And it wasn’t like she didn’t know she’d had privilege growing up other people hadn’t. She had bought this apartment with the inheritance from her father, and she didn’t even need a roommate, only Raven was living on the other side of the country and she didn’t really like to live alone so she put up an add, and Octavia had seemed nice. They were a good fit, both of them liked to stay up late and sleep in and neither of them were super messy, so it worked.
After a while Bellamy seemed to develop a grudging respect for her, probably after Octavia had yelled at him for the third time. That was when the arguments began.
“How does your brain even think like that? In what world can you honestly be this fucking oblivious to everything around you?”
Clarke took a deep breath, a mantra of be the bigger person repeating itself again and again in her mind. She never listened.
“I’m oblivious? Just because I don’t agree that SpongeBob fucking SquarePants is capitalist propaganda! I mean for God’s sake you called Sandy a bourgeois yuppie. What planet are you living on?”
“It’s called critical thinking Clarke, and it’s what you would have learned if you had gotten a real degree instead of that art bullshit you can only get when your parents have money.”
“I was fucking pre-med asshole, I am so much smarter that you will ever be.”
“Oh I’m sure you are princess, I deeply apologize for hurting your dainty little feelings.”
The door slammed announcing Octavia’s arrival and she raised a single eyebrow when she saw her brother and roommate standing inches apart, both red in the face and obviously in the middle of a fight.
“Children… What was it this time.”
“Bellamy is trying to start SpongeBob discourse. Again.” Clarke said through her teeth, never taking her eyes off Bellamy’s. She had been right that first time she saw him in the elevator. He was extremely good looking. A beautiful constellation of freckles covered his olive skin and his curly hair was practically begging to be touched and pulled. His eyes were always passionate about something, and that only helped make him even more irresistible. He was gentle and caring when it came to Octavia, and he got on Clarke’s nerves like nobody else. She was in so much trouble.
***
Clarke had had the biggest bitch of a day and she was so ready to veg out on her couch and eat nasty junk food for the entire weekend. However when she finally reached the living room Bellamy fucking Blake was on her couch as per usual.
“Are you actually homeless?”
“Octavia and I are having dinner with Lincoln later. I’m waiting for her to get off work.” His grimace when he said Octavia’s incredibly sweet new boyfriend’s name didn’t escape her notice, but she had a headache and she didn’t think 20 minutes of bickering and arguing would help at all so she let it go.
“That’s fine, as long as you’re quiet. I’m going to eat myself into a coma and stare at something shitty from Netflix for the next 5 hours. Fair warning.”
He looked at her, a frown on his forehead. He was such a big brother so of course he couldn’t just let it go.
“Shit, are you OK?”
“Bad day at work. My boss is an asshole.”
“I’m sorry. I’ll just wait in the kitchen or something if you want to be alone.
He was getting up, and without knowing exactly why, Clarke waved her hand at him dismissingly and said,
“No, it’s fine. I can be alone with you here.”
She sat down next to him and put her head on his shoulder. It must be sleep deprivation or something but it actually felt… nice.
When he put his arm around her, she sighed and burrowed in deeper. Something about the rhythm of his heart and his breathing made her tense muscles relax and she felt herself drifting off before long. There was probably something about her falling asleep literally on top of Bellamy within minutes that should make alarm bells go off, but for the first time that day she actually felt comfortable so she decided to let it go.
When Octavia came home 20 minutes later to Clarke sleeping heavily curled up next to her brother who looked a little confused and very pleased, she couldn’t hide her smile. She really hoped they wouldn’t fuck it up for each other because she had a growing feeling those two would be really good for each other.
***
After the Sleep Incident Clarke and Bellamy struck up an unspoken truce. They even sort of became friends. This was unfortunate for Clarke because it meant that Bellamy had kind of stopped pissing her off, and she could no longer deny how much she wanted him. She would try, and then he would do something ridiculous like insist on pouring her cereal for her, and why did she put her Lucky Charms on the top shelf forcing him to stretch awarding her a glimpse of what honestly looked like the world’s best stomach.
Every time Bellamy went out of his way to be nice to Clarke Octavia would smirk and pull out her phone, probably to text Lincoln and that didn’t help calm down Clarke at all.
“Hey, so have you fucked your hot roommate’s hot brother yet?”
Raven had never been the person to talk around things, which could be awkward, say if you were skyping her while said hot roommate’s hot brother was sitting six feet away grading history papers.
Bellamy’s head snapped up so fast she thought he might actually have whiplash now and his eyes found hers, a question in them she didn’t intend to answer.
“Nope” she said popping the p, and awarded herself for at least sounding super chill about this, even if she was literally screeching like a pterodactyl on the inside.
“Holy shit, is he there right now?”
That was it. Clarke was going to have to move to some island on the other side of the world, preferably without cell phone towers and wi-fi.
“Gotta go, love you, bye.” Before she managed to press end call Raven’s cackle filled the room, and then it was eerily silent. She slowly raised her eyes to meet his and for some reason she couldn’t read them like she usually could.
“So I might have told my friend I want to fuck you.”
Clearly whatever he had expected her to say that was not it. His eyes had widened, his lips were parted, and she should not be thinking these thoughts right now.
“I owe Octavia 50 bucks.”
“What?” Eloquence R Us, that was her.
“She told me you were into me, and I didn’t believe her. She is never going to let me forget this.”
“You bet your sister 50 bucks I wasn’t into you. I don’t even know whether to be offended or not.”
“Well ideally not. I really fucking like you.”
Clarke let out a breath she hadn’t known she’d been holding.
“Yeah well, I really fucking like you too.”
That was apparently all he needed because suddenly he was all movement, and within seconds his hands were in her hair, on her hips, caressing her cheeks, and they were kissing with a passion and intensity that almost made her toes curl.
But just as suddenly as it had begun, it was over and Bellamy was looking at her, so much hope and wonder in his eyes, it made her want to put him in her pocket and keep him forever.
“Are we really doing this?” He asked, voice deeper than she had ever heard it. It made her shiver.
“I’m all in if you are. I really fucking like you, remember?”
“I’m absolutely all the way in.”
She resisted making the obvious sex joke and kissed him instead. This time it was slower, sweeter, gentler, like they were both in awe of the other, and taking their time to adjust to this new development. Clarke felt a kind of heat spread from wherever Bellamy was touching her, until she was just on fire.
That was when Octavia walked in, took one look at the pair of them and said: “You owe me 50 bucks douche canoe.”
Then she turned on her heel and left the apartment, probably to spend the night at Lincoln’s. Clarke couldn’t exactly say she was sorry about that.
“We are going to make all of our friends hate us so much.”
“Nah, they already know I’m an asshole, I’m sure they’ll live”
She couldn’t argue with that so she pulled him closer once more instead, unable to keep a smile off her face.
***
Clarke was dancing in the kitchen in the house she and Bellamy had bought a year and a half ago. She had hit a groove at her new job as a middle school art teacher, and her and Bellamy were better than ever. She was happy.
When his voice startled her out of her own little world, the words didn’t make any sense to begin with.
“Huh?” she asked, trying to figure out what he had said.
“Marry me. I love you and i really fucking like you and i want us to grow old together, and I think you should marry me.”
Something in her started to knit itself together slowly and steadily and when she looked at him she saw love. She had loved other people, of course, but never like this.
“Also you looked very hot just then.”
Clarke could appreciate now that even though love felt like the be-all end-all of the world it really wasn’t. In some ways this realization saddened her but she was older now and she would like to think that she was wiser. She had had worse luck than most people when it came to the people she had loved and she had come to realize that it was better to have loved and lost after all.
What a God damned cliché, but whatever.
She would never in a million years erase Wells or Lexa or even Fucking Finn from her memory, because for better or worse they had made her who she was today. They had led her to Bellamy.
Wells had been steady, patient, and innocent. The feeling of sitting in a swing set at midnight and holding hands in the hallways on their way to class. He had been a shoulder to lean on, and her best friend.
Finn had been kind, a listener, someone who wanted to heal every wound he saw, be it physical or not. He was ice cream on a hot day and the feel of sand between your toes. He was the last day of summer vacation, and he had never quite been hers.
Lexa had been fire, a burning sense of self-realization. She had been the kind of love that leaves you without a breath. She was a wet kiss in the dark and holding your head up high and she was so much more than Clarke would ever be.
But Bellamy was her person. He was her home. He was an asshole and he was the biggest big brother of all time and she loved him with all of herself.
“I wanna grow old with you too, dickhead,” she told him, love filling her entire body, cracks and all.
When their lips met she knew she was finally home.