Archive of Our Own ^beta

To say Kotetsu could have planned the night better was an understatement.

It was not meant to take the turn that it did. He had dinner with Barnaby, his partner and close friend. They ate at the Justice Tower and tried their best to ignore being watched. They worked together in the second league, but they were still incredibly popular. Everybody loved them. Everybody really loved Barnaby.

Including Kotetsu.

He wished he could blame it on alcohol – wine or beer. But he was out of luck as he had only drunk water since he was trying very hard to cut down on his alcohol intake. He wished he could blame it on being sick, or sleepy or any number of things.

There was no excuse. Their conversation moved into the lives of their fellow heroes and eventually relationships. When Barnaby started his usual light teasing about how Kotetsu should find someone nice and stop being a lonely old man, he let it slip. That he found someone who always kept him company and made him happy.

He wasn’t sure what he expected when he admitted to Barnaby that he had feelings for him. A very small part of him thought they were close enough that Barnaby returned them. A larger part thought Barnaby would stand up and walk out of his life. The rest had no idea what to think.

At first Barnaby only said “Oh,” and it was horribly awkward.

Each of them spent time studying their own food. “I don’t expect anything. I just thought I should tell you,” Kotetsu had told him.

Barnaby nodded and they tried to recover into some sort of conversation, but it wasn’t working. Kotetsu stumbled over some nonsense about how solid his steak was and Barnaby kept looking out the window and asking about the buildings as he had done before. When Kotetsu just sighed and leaned back Barnaby admitted he didn’t return the feelings and wasn’t quite sure what to think.

Dinner ended earlier than Kotetsu would have liked and soon enough he was in his apartment, laying on his bed and staring at the ceiling. “Well Tomoe, what do I do?” he asked knowing full well he wouldn’t get an answer. If spirits existed, hers would have gone to Heaven instead of having to hang around the earth.

He could only think he’d ruined an amazing friendship. The closest one he had. He blamed his feelings but knew there was no way he could really stop them. For a couple of hours he thought about calling Barnaby. He didn’t though. The kid deserved space after Kotetsu ruined dinner.

And Kotetsu needed to talk to someone badly.

 

“I didn’t know who else to talk to.”

“Why me?” Muramasa’s annoyed voice came from phone and Kotetsu cringed a little.

“I don’t know. I talked to you when my powers were fading and, well, I just don’t know who else I’m okay telling.” It was true. Muramasa was the only one who was able to coax some truth out of him so many months ago. Remembering that made Kotetsu feel better about talking to him.

Muramasa sighed. “Alright. Still Kotetsu, what do you want me to say? You told me two minutes ago you’re into another man. Not only is that kind of surprising, but I really do not have gay romance advice for you.”

Kotetsu cringed. He knew his brother might be uncomfortable with such a topic. Although it didn’t seem that he was exactly uncomfortable – he just didn’t know how to approach the subject. Kotetsu didn’t know himself. “That’s fine. It’s just that, okay, what if your closest guy friend said he wanted to be with you?” Kotetsu blushed hard even though Muramasa couldn’t see. His anxiety had shot so far through the roof that he had almost thrown up before calling his brother.

“I really don’t want to talk about this.”

“Please?” Kotetsu begged. “It would really help me know what’s going through his head. And yes, before you say anything, I know Barnaby’s mind is sorta different than most.”

“I guess that makes sense,” Muramasa grumbled and fell silent. Kotetsu guessed he was thinking, and after a minute Muramasa spoke up again. “Well, I wouldn’t stop being friends with him. I’d probably be a bit more guarded and though and extremely aware of the hints I could be dropping.”

“You wouldn’t think about giving him a shot?”

“Kotetsu…”

“Sorry.” Kotetsu swallowed. He had been hoping his brother would tell him what he wanted to hear. It was pretty foolish.

“I’m just not into men. That’s why my close friend would be JUST my close friend and not more.”

“Well, I don’t know if I want to have sex with him or what, you see?” He had found it to be more of a personality thing, though Barnaby was certainly attractive.

“Okay, Kotetsu, stop. I don’t mind if you have an interest in men, but how about we don’t mention sex?”

“Sorry. I’m just trying to figure it all out.”

“I know.” Muramasa fell silent again momentarily. “I need to go to work now. Kotetsu, I’m sure he won’t want to stop talking to you or even hanging out with you. Just don’t push anything and I’m sure he’ll stick around.”

“Sure,” Kotetsu answered, his voice thick as his mind started to check out a little. He wasn’t sure how to act around Barnaby, what would be pushing it. And if Barnaby really did grow distant he didn’t know if he could handle it. But worst of all was thinking about his brother’s answer, that he wouldn’t give him a shot.

He barely heard his brother say goodbye and was in a daze when he hung up. He tried to snap himself out of it with a coffee to get the day started. He had to go to work and he dreaded it. There was no way he could hide his sadness if he got there and Barnaby wanted nothing to do with him.

As he entered the office they shared his stomach clenched painfully. He could see Barnaby sitting at his computer, clicking away at things that were probably important, like the paperwork Kotetsu had blown off in favor of trying to flick tiny balls of paper into a cup across the desk…

He couldn’t blame Barnaby if on top of the awkwardness of the previous night, he was pissed at him for slacking off.

“Hi, Bunny,” he said as he sat in his chair and turned on his computer.

“Morning,” came the reply. Barnaby didn’t sound angry or any different than normal. Still, Kotetsu didn’t say anything else. He couldn’t find the guts to ask Barnaby how his morning was going, how his night went, if he was mad, if he hated him.

And so silence fell over the office for at least two hours before anyone spoke again. “Kotetsu, are you okay?” Barnaby finally asked, turning in his chair with his hands settled in his lap.

Kotetsu startled and pretended to be very interested in the report he was working on. “I’m fine, I’m fine.”

“No you’re not. You are never this quiet. You would have said something and found several excuses to get up and walk around by now.”

“…” Kotetsu defaulted to one of his favored mannerisms, pulling his hat down to try and hide his eyes. “I’ll get up if you want to.”

“That’s not what I’m trying to say - look, I’m not mad about last night.”

“Ah.”

“I just didn’t know what to say. I didn’t want you to be upset but I can see there was really no avoiding it.”

He was right about that. No matter how nicely Barnaby may have treated him, he was still going to be rejected. “Yea, but now you must feel weird,” Kotetsu mumbled.

“A little. I don’t know how to deal with this stuff. I don’t date.”

That hurt, crushed him even if Barnaby didn’t mean it personally. “I see.”

“I’m not going anywhere, Kotetsu,” Barnaby said very gently. “It would be very cruel of me to stop being your friend after all we’ve been through. I’d be hurting myself to do that too. You belong in my life, just not that way.”

Kotetsu nodded but stared at his keyboard. “Okay.”

Barnaby sighed. “Well, I guess I can’t expect you to feel better right away. I don’t know what it’s like to be turned down.” He probably didn’t mean to sound above Kotetsu, but it just added another dagger to his heart. “All I can say is I don’t dislike you and I won’t leave you for feeling this way.”

Barnaby handled it well, and Kotetsu wanted to give him some credit. But it was impossible to focus when he felt like his heart was shrinking in his chest. He had thought just maybe being rejected might make him realize his feelings weren’t of the romantic variety, like a wake-up call. Instead it just drove home how much he wanted Barnaby.

Eventually Barnaby did stop talking when he was getting nowhere, and then a heavy mood really did settle over the office. Kotetsu was responsible for it. He decided to get to work, and he actually made progress since he was working to try and push away the thoughts he had swirling in his head.

At about noon Barnaby spoke again. “I’m going to get lunch. Do you want to come with me?”

Kotetsu appreciated the gesture. Barnaby had every right to ignore the hell out of him and leave. But he shook his head. “No, thanks. I’m sorry Bunny, I just don’t think that would be a good idea.”

“Do you want me to bring you back something?” Barnaby asked almost immediately.

“Um, sure. You know what I like, just pick whatever.” He didn’t have an appetite but maybe if he saw food he would feel at least a little hungry. He also did not need to mope so much he turned down every offer Barnaby tried to ease his pain even if only for an hour.

Barnaby looked relieved as he nodded and left. Kotetsu was glad of that and he leaned back in his chair. His brother had said not to push. But what if, he tried little nudges, here and there? Maybe, just maybe he could at least get Barnaby to consider dating him. And if he was careful about it then it wouldn’t chase Barnaby away, right? He needed some hope to cling to, and there it was.

He didn’t know exactly what he would do, but he kept in mind that Barnaby had said he didn’t date. That meant it was a general thing, not exactly against him and him alone. Kotetsu had been responsible for a lot of the changes in Barnaby’s attitude and very life.

Perhaps he could convince him to change his mind once again…

---

How to go about getting Barnaby to decide in his favor - that was the challenge.

Kotetsu knew what Barnaby liked. He liked…opera, and he liked strawberry daiquiris at night, he liked pink just a little more than red, and he liked Kotetsu at least somewhat. There was actually a longer list, but Kotetsu didn’t think any of it helped him exactly. He could give Barnaby opera cd’s, drinks, and pink stuff but it would incredibly transparent and not big enough.

What he really needed was a way to make Barnaby see how much he cared about him and how he would always do his best to make him happy, even at the cost of his own happiness. He just might not admit the last thing.

But what should he do?

Their day had gone by normally enough, but Kotetsu knew there was a strain on their relationship. And worse, he knew it was all him. Barnaby wanted things to go normally, and he acted normally, but Kotetsu just found himself unable to do the same. He found himself drifting, staring at the wall as his mind switched between what he could do to get Barnaby and how upset he felt about being turned down.

He really was not a fan of being alone anymore. He missed Tomoe so much, and he was still far from Kaede, his mother, and his brother. Barnaby understood him and was there for him. He briefly entertained that he might be asking too much, more than he deserved, but that made him feel worse so he pushed the thought away.

That night he entertained the idea of calling his brother yet again and asking him for his thoughts. But like Muramasa had said, he didn’t have gay romance advice. Kotetsu didn’t want to bother him anyhow. Instead he settled on his couch and opened his laptop. After about a minute of staring, he decided to do a search on how to woo someone.

He had to start somewhere…

He was greeted with quite the list of sites and started to click around.

First he came to advice: ‘Show your good side, keep it casual…don’t get your hopes up, learn to give up.’

That was less than stellar. He knew that stuff and tried to ignore the last thing. He just needed ideas. A lot of the stuff he found was just as plain and unhelpful as the first site, but he did find some things. He just would have to put them into action.

 

The first one was to do something helpful for Barnaby. Something he wouldn’t expect and would help him have a better day.

Kotetsu had the perfect idea, and he arrived early at work the next day. He was always the reason they were behind in paperwork and other such things. So he gathered all the reports they had to fill out and set to work on those. When it got close to the time they needed to be there, he went to get a fresh cup of coffee so that it would be there waiting for Barnaby, without sitting long enough to get cold.

Then it was back to his desk and working, though he was paying more attention to the doorway and waiting for Barnaby’s reaction. He nearly messed up his work several times while distracted. After what seemed like an eternity, however, Barnaby walked in. He greeted Kotetsu, went to his desk, and sat down.

Moments later, Kotetsu was rewarded when he spoke.

“Wow, you’ve done a lot of work! Is this coffee for me?” Barnaby asked in slight disbelief.

“Yea. I felt bad for all my slacking off, and I figured I might as well get you something to drink.” Kotetsu said it so casually. He made sure he kept it casual, just like the site said. Casual casual!

“Well, thanks,” Barnaby said with a smile and sat down at his computer.

“You’re welcome,” Kotetsu answered him and focused on his work once again, the exchange leaving him in high spirits.

He kept it up the rest of the day in the office. But as usual, they were called out. The did get called out far less than when they had worked with the other heroes, as it was the second league, but they still had to go out fairly often.

Unfortunately he was less successful on the call than he had been in the office. Kotetsu was extremely distracted the whole time, thinking about Barnaby and trying to impress him by, for once, trying to think about his actions fully.

It backfired pretty badly when he made a stupid move that knocked their enemy into Barnaby. The man they fought had a defense in the shape of something that definitely resembled a large scorpion tail. Kotetsu didn’t know if he was a NEXT or if someone had managed to successfully cross a human with a bug, but it didn’t matter as he watched the stinger cut smoothly through the side of Barnaby’s armor, reminiscent of when the H-01 cut through his leg so many months ago.

Barnaby yelled in surprise and fell back.

Kotetsu blinked before charging the man with all his power. His screw-up wasn’t a total loss he decided. He ended up with enough rage to completely take the man out, pinning him to the ground and holding him there until the policemen showed up and successfully handcuffed him - and secure that tail of course.

Then it was time to worry about Barnaby , sitting on the ground with his helmet off, and Kotetsu was instantly kneeling beside him. “Are you okay? I’m so sorry Bunny!”

Barnaby winced and looked at his side, through the hole in his armor to an ugly red and swollen sting. “I’m probably fine. It looks worse than it hurts.”

His words did not calm Kotetsu, who was beyond pissed at himself while trying to restrain himself from hugging Barnaby. The sting looked tame compared to other injuries, but he felt just as bad as if he had been responsible for Barnaby losing a leg. “But, but Bunny…” He heard the sound of footsteps and looked behind him to see paramedics.

“They’ll help take care of this, okay?” Barnaby said, effort clear in how he tried to keep his voice level but Kotetsu could tell he was a bit unhappy.

“But I should take care of you.” The words slipped out before Kotetsu could stop them, and he kept his eyes on the sting.

“Kotetsu….” Barnaby sighed. “Please just let the paramedics do their job.”

“But Bunny, I…” He wasn’t able to say much more, as he was asked to move so they could treat Barnaby. Kotetsu stared rather miserably before he turned away. Maybe he could make up for it by doing something similar to what he had that morning? No, he was the reason Barnaby got hurt and he had to make up for that.

When Barnaby had been tended to, he sought Kotetsu out.

Kotetsu had settled into his sidecar, still in suit as he tried in vain to fall asleep in the heat. That was utterly ridiculous, falling asleep before even leaving the scene. He felt stupid and depressed though by then and just wanted to escape it.

“Kotetsu,” Barnaby said as he set a hand on Kotetsu’s shoulder. “Stop moping.”

“I’m not moping.”

“Yes you are.” Barnaby stayed put. “Yea, you messed up back there, but whatever. It happens.”

It actually hurt more to have it confirmed. “That doesn’t make me feel better, Bunny. I’m supposed to take care of you as your partner, and I failed.”

“Yes, as my work partner and friend, I can see how you feel that way,” Barnaby said firmly, and Kotetsu got the vibe that Barnaby wanted it clear he was setting boundaries of sorts. It was an uncomfortable feeling. “But it won’t help to just leave and sit here being upset about it.”

“Well it doesn’t help to hang out back there and watch you get treated for something I did either.”

They reached an awkward silence where Barnaby continued to stare at Kotetsu. It was not a good feeling. Kotetsu remembered when they didn’t get alone, and even when they had their fights about trust, but the feeling he got in that sidecar at that moment was different than any of them. It felt far more distant, like he knew Barnaby would slip away despite his assurances he would stay his friend.

“This isn’t going to work,” Kotetsu said finally. “I ruined everything Bunny. I should have kept my mouth shut.”

“You didn’t ruin anything with that old man. But you need to get a grip, and you need to know at the end of the day, I’m not yours to take care of.” Barnaby’s tone was gentle as he finally sat on his chaser. “I’m not anyone’s. This doesn’t have to be awkward.”

“How can it be anything but awkward? I can’t stop thinking about you, and then I get you hurt. And I can’t watch my mouth.” He always did have the second problem.

“Kotetsu, come on. Stop talking like that.”

“But you know it’s true!” Kotetsu insisted. His guilt had gotten the better of him. When Barnaby didn’t answer, it confirmed his fears. “What do we do Bunny? I can’t-I can’t stop thinking about you.”

“This never was an issue before.”

“But now that you know, now that it’s in the open sort of, it’s harder not to think about it,” Kotetsu pointed out. With Barnaby aware of his feelings he didn’t have to hide them. He just had to get over them.

“I see.”

“What do we do? Tell me anything I can do to make things better Bunny, and I promise, I’ll do it.”

“We should work separately for a while.”

Kotetsu didn’t expect that and his mouth dropped open. “Huh?”

“It’s all we can do. I will still see you socially, but if you are going to be an obstacle on calls, I can’t work with you. It’s unsafe.”

Devastated, Kotetsu couldn’t find an answer.

“Kotetsu? It’s only for work on calls. It’s for the best, right now. We’ll be worse off if something like this happens again.”

He was right, but it would put them apart, meaning far less of a chance to get Barnaby’s interest. “I, but you’ll…” Another thought struck him, one that made him feel even lower. “You will probably be moved back to the main group.” His shoulders slumped. If Barnaby wasn’t fighting alongside him, there was no reason for him to be in Second League.

“I suppose so.” Barnaby sounded unsure then. But it lasted only a second. “You must understand, though.”

“I do. I don’t like it.”

“I didn’t expect you to,” Barnaby said stiffly. “We often don’t like what’s best for us. For now, we had better leave.”

“Uh-huh.”

“There’s going to be additional paperwork due to the injury.”

“I guess.”

Barnaby finally shut up even though he was obviously unhappy about it. It wasn’t the best way to leave a conversation, and Kotetsu knew it just left both of them feeling unhappy.

Regardless, he didn’t say a word.

 

Working in the Second League on his own sucked, it really did. Barnaby was moved the very next day, and Kotetsu was afraid to ask what reason he had given in his request. It likely did not matter, because Lloyds had hinted several times he wanted Barnaby with the main group.

That left Kotetsu by himself a lot. They continued to share the same office, but Barnaby was rarely in it with him. He would be on a call, in an interview, or at some promotional event. Since they were temporarily not a team no one felt the need to tell Kotetsu when Barnaby was going to any sort of social function.

Upsetting was putting it mildly.

He tried to find tips on the great web of the internet, but he had lost his steam since the first effort. He couldn’t do anything nice for Barnaby if he wasn’t there. And he was always so busy they didn’t see each other as much outside of work, despite Barnaby saying they would.

Kotetsu definitely felt like he had indeed lost his friend. It made him not want to talk to anyone, really. Antonio tried to call him a couple of times, even Ben. The only time Kotetsu picked up, three days after the change, was when his brother called him.

“I’ve been seeing a lot of Barnaby on TV, but not you,” his brother said when Kotetsu picked up.

“Ah,yea.” Kotetsu clammed up just as he knew he would.

“Mom and Kaede have been noticing too. What did you do?”

The accusatory question made Kotetsu’s silence very brief. “DO? I didn’t do anything! I didn’t! We had a bad call and he decided it would be best if we worked apart for a while!”

“Well something must have happened,” his brother snorted. “Why would he decide something like that?”

“I was distracted and he got hit by someone, okay?” Kotetsu said quickly, hoping his brother was smart enough to know what he meant by distracted. “That’s all. This is only going to be for a little while.”

“That’s actually not as bad as I thought it would be,” Muramasa muttered and Kotetsu felt a little offended.

“Wonderful,” Kotetsu said dryly. “Is that all you called about?”

“Well, I’m worried about you,” Muramasa admitted. “You haven’t dated in such a long time, and now that you have this thing for your partner, I guess I’m just curious about how you’re holding up with other things happening.”

“Things.” Kotetsu knew what he meant. His powers had stayed at a minute for a while, but seconds had been lost slowly. He was currently at 48 seconds. He tried to ignore it best he could, which was easiest when he was focused on Barnaby. Barnaby was the only one that helped.

Muramasa continued. “I don’t want you to be upset, you are my little brother after all, and I don’t want you to do anything stupid.” The words sounded very slow, very careful.

“Stupid? Stupid like what?” Kotetsu asked, growing irritated.

“I don’t know Kotetsu, just - stupid! You don’t think when you get so upset!” Muramasa’s voice rose.

“Of course I don’t! I don’t know what to do!” Kotetsu growled back at him. “What the hell would you do? Or can you even give me a reply?”

“Kotetsu! Kotetsu, calm down,” Muramasa said, his voice still loud before he stopped and took noticeable deep breaths. “When is the last time you and Barnaby talked?”

Kotetsu thought back; the last time they spoke it was about Barnaby getting a new journal. He was still trying hard to recover his memories and when something flashed in his mind he would try to write about it as soon as possible. Overall it was a slow process, and sometimes cause Barnaby to have nightmares and panic attacks. Kotetsu wanted nothing more than to hold him when those happened, to tell him it was all okay. “Around lunchtime today.”

“Okay. So it hasn’t been days. Listen, you call him after we’re done here and ask him to hang out.”

“What!?”

“You can’t work on trying to get things back to normal if you don’t try. I think you’ll be sadder if you let this all slip away.”

“Yea…”

“Call him, okay? See if he wants to grab a long lunch tomorrow or something.”

“I - okay,” Kotetsu relented. He didn’t want to be creepy and desperate, even if he was desperate, but that didn’t sound too bad.

“Call me if you need anything, okay?”

“I will. Thanks,” Kotetsu said awkwardly.

He thought he could hear a small chuckle on the other end of the line. “No problem, little brother.”

 

Barnaby agreed to hang out with him, and Kotetsu called that a small victory. His voice had shaken when he called Barnaby, and he was sure it was noticeable before he was able to sound more level. He was awkward, and stumbled over his words completely, but told Barnaby his missed hanging out with him – which was completely true, stupid crush or not.

And so the next day Kotetsu found himself sitting eagerly at a picnic table in the nearby park they walked to sometimes. It was warm out, but not overly hot and for that he was thankful. He had already picked up a couple of sandwiches and salads along with a coffee for himself and some gross looking health smoothie Barnaby got once a week.

“I already had one of those yesterday, but that’s okay.”

Kotetsu looked up to see Barnaby giving the smoothie a look. “Oh. Sorry.”

“It’s fine.” Barnaby sat down across from Kotetsu, reaching for the smoothie anyway. “I guess I could stand to deviate from the routine once in a while.”

“Oh.” Kotetsu suddenly found himself with nothing to say.

Luckily, Barnaby picked up on that. “I had another memory flash last night.”

That got Kotetsu’s attention. “You did?”

Barnaby nodded. “It wasn’t anything major, but I remembered a class I took back in my first year at the academy, on health and nutrition. I don’t know why that came back to me, and I actually don’t know why Maverick would have erased it.”

“But the important thing is you recovered something,” Kotetsu pointed out.

“Well, yes. I guess. I’ll figure out what it means in time.” Barnaby didn’t look altogether pleased with the idea though, and he sipped at his smoothie.

“You will,” Kotetsu assured him. “And you know I’ll help if I can.” He’d always offered that, even before his stronger feelings made themselves known.

Barnaby nodded as he unwrapped his sandwich. “I know.”

“Other than that, things are okay?” Kotetsu asked, and he was genuinely surprised at how easy it was to talk to Barnaby. He thought it would be far more difficult, but their bond was better than he assumed. He felt a little angry at himself for that.

“Yes. Things have been going well.” He paused. “I have been doing good outside of the Second League,” he said slowly.

“Oh.” Kotetsu wanted to hear about how he was doing still, even if it was painful.

“But I’m coming back,” he said quickly. “I prefer working with you. I mean, I’m not coming back quite yet, but I plan to.”

“Why not yet?”

Barnaby just gave him a look.

Kotetsu sighed. “Yea yea, I know. I just…well I miss you.”

“Oh. I miss you too,” Barnaby admitted and started to relax before he suddenly winced and squirmed. “Ow.”

“What’s wrong?” Kotetsu asked, alarmed.

“The sting still hurts. It doesn’t want to go away.”

“Really?” Well, that made him feel bad.

“Yes. I don’t know what’s wrong with it, it’s been checked several times.”

Kotetsu had to force down his intense worry, urge to go over there and be as affectionate as possible in some dumb attempt to make the pain go away. “No one knows why it’s like that?”

Barnaby shrugged. “No, but aside from a jab of pain every now and then, it doesn’t bother me much.” He glanced at Kotetsu and must have noticed the look on his face. “Kotetsu I’m okay. It’s really not your fault.”

“Yes it is.”

“You didn’t hit me with a stinger,” Barnaby said, sounding annoyed.

“Yea well I’m still the reason you got hit, because I couldn’t pay attention.”

“If I could return your feelings, I would.”

Kotetsu startled, sitting straight up. “Huh!?”

“I wish I could Kotetsu, I really wish I could. I don’t like you blaming yourself like this and feeling upset. You shouldn’t feel like that.”

“I…”

“Look, like I said I won’t be returning for work yet. But I’m not going to leave you alone either. Tell you what…” He leaned back. “Let’s try to eat together daily. One meal, lunch or dinner, or if you could be persuaded not to ignore your alarm for several minutes, maybe even breakfast.”

“You mean get up eeeaaarrrly?” Kotetsu mock whined, but he was happy.

“I mean getting up early! You can still be groggy and all, I’m not asking you to be alert exactly. It’s just, you know, in the case we may not be able to meet for anything later in the day.” Barnaby laughed a little, quietly. It was rare that he laughed.

Kotetsu felt warmth rush through him as he heard it, and he joined too. “Alright then. So you’ll be a bright and bushy-tailed little bunny and I’ll be a yawning tiger.”

“Sounds about right, except for the part where I’m a bunny.”

“Stop fighting it, you know I’ll never stop that,” Kotetsu said with a grin as he gazed across the table at Barnaby.

Barnaby just laughed more.

 

Luckily, Kotetsu did not have to deal with a morning meal with Barnaby. He would have, gladly, because it meant getting to see him first thing in the morning. If he couldn’t wake up immediately next to him then at least he could see him at the beginning of the day.

But without that, he got to sleep in and thus he couldn’t complain too much. Most of the time they met for lunch and that was convenient – and fun. Sometimes they got interrupted by a call and that was that, but there would always be the next day.

Kotetsu felt they were getting back to normal, and maybe even better than normal. He wondered if Barnaby was becoming more interested, at all. He was terrified to ask. So he stayed a little quieter on those lunches than he would have been months prior, and Barnaby never once pointed it out.

They found themselves finally on another dinner and on the topic of work a couple of weeks after their arrangement to make daily meets. “So, Llloyds had me host another dinner party, and tomorrow I’m expected at a photoshoot with the rest of the heroes.”

“Oh yea? Well that sounds cool,” Kotetsu stirred his water with his straw, as if it actually did anything. The only bad point really was still their jobs. Barnaby didn’t talk about returning to Second League, and sort of danced around Kotetsu’s questions.

“I guess. I think I might get bored, photoshoots aren’t as exciting as they used to be.”

“Ha! I knew it! You used to act like you liked them and they didn’t bother you one bit.”

Barnaby rolled his eyes. “They DIDN’T bother me…then. Now things are a little different.”

That was true. Kotetsu just nodded and prodded at the bits of popcorn chicken on his plate, the remnants of an appetizer he didn’t care to finish. “True. Then what else after the photoshoot?”

Barnaby shrugged. “I need to look at the planner.”

“How far ahead does it plan?” Kotetsu asked casually.

“About a couple of weeks, right now.”

“So you’ll be there at least another couple of weeks.” Kotetsu sighed and Barnaby fell silent as he no doubt realized where Kotetsu was going with it. “I guess I should have figured Lloyds would book you up with that stuff as soon as possible. How long will you let him do it for?” Kotetsu looked at him and waited for an answer.

“Um, well…”

“You did plan on coming back still, right?” Kotetsu asked, his mood evaporating quickly. He hadn’t come to dinner feeling his best and it was starting to show.

“I did!”

“Did, or do?”

Barnaby again fell silent, which kind of gave Kotetsu his answer. He dropped his eyes back down to the chicken. “I see.”

“It’s not what you think, though.”

How could it possibly not be what he thought it was? “Sure,” Kotetsu said with a shrug.

“I want to pull some strings so you can come back too.”

Kotetsu wasn’t sure why, but that really irritated him. “Because I can’t do it on my own? If I request they’ll reject me? My powers are only 45 seconds now. Soon they won’t have a reason to even keep me in the Second League. Don’t bother, Bunny.”

They both went quiet as the server came to take the plate of chicken, promising them their entrees would be out momentarily. Barnaby looked at Kotetsu, who had to study his water again. “You didn’t tell me they went down another few seconds,” he finally said, softly.

“Nope.”

“Just because we don’t work together and see each other as much doesn’t mean you shouldn’t tell me.”

“Why? It doesn’t matter at all when we don’t work together. You don’t need to do things according to what time I have left.”

“Look, you should still tell me, okay?”

“Have you had anymore nightmares?” Kotetsu asked suddenly, and knew he was right on the mark when Barnaby glared and then turned away. “You’ve been hiding stuff too.”

“I haven’t been hiding it! I just haven’t been telling you!” Barnaby claimed.

“That’s hiding it! You hated it when I did that!”

“DID? Let me ask you what you asked me old man, ‘did or do’?”

Kotetsu felt heat rush to his face as he grew infuriated. “I told you it doesn’t matter!”

“It still matters to me!”

“Why?” Kotetsu asked again. “Tell me why. You can’t help me, and I don’t need more pity. You already pity me for the decline, and probably pity me for the way I feel about you.”

“That’s not true!” Barnaby yelled loud enough that there was a clatter as someone dropped a dish and all eyes were on them. “I don’t pity you for anything! You want to assume I look down on you so you have something else to feel upset about, well stop! Just stop it! You think I don’t at the very least miss working with you? You don’t think I worry about you, the only person I trust still? What the hell is wrong with you?” he slammed his fist down on the table which made Kotetsu jump.

Kotetsu fully expected him to glow blue and pull a ‘handsome escape’ through the roof. Instead he remained sitting, cheeks red and angry. Kotetsu knew he should and could just apologize, try not to make it into a big deal.

Instead, he stood up and left.

---

He didn’t see Barnaby the next day, or the day after. He didn’t get a call from him, he didn’t get anything at all from him. Fine then, Kotetsu decided, he wasn’t even going to watch Barnaby on the television. He didn’t want to look at him or hear him.

He was pissed at himself for that little tantrum. It felt right in the moment. In his head, in the stupid deluded world he put himself in for the minutes that followed his leaving the restaurant, Barnaby had followed him, caught his arm, told him he was sorry and he was coming back to Second League. Kotetsu wasn’t too far gone that he imagined Barnaby kissing him. But he still chased him down kept him from regretting his actions.

When Muramasa called next, Kotetsu didn’t pick up. He didn’t want to admit to his own stupidity. He wanted to talk to someone, but he didn’t want it to be anyone he knew. There was no good reason for it really.

He found himself at a bar that evening, a classier one than he usually went to. Going there had taken a lot of thinking since he wanted to stop drinking. But he was too upset to turn down the idea of a good beer or glass of wine even. He just wouldn’t do the hard drinks.

A familiar voice came from behind the piano on stage, though he didn’t quite know it until he was through his first beer.

“Tiger?” A smaller hand touched his arm.

He turned slowly and came face to face with Karina. “Blue Rose? What are you doing here?”

“Singing.” She nodded at the piano. “I’ve never seen you here before.”

“I don’t usually come here. I just wanted a change of scenery. How have you been?” He hadn’t seen her in a while. He wished he got to mingle with everyone else more often during the day, but they had their own things going on, as proven by Barnaby…

“Pretty good, I might get crowned ‘Queen of Heroes’ at the end of the season,” she said with a blush.

Kotetsu’s eyes went wide and he smiled. “Good for you!” he said, genuinely happy for her. He remembered when she had been so unsure about what she wanted to do, sing or be a hero. It was a relief to see her find some middle ground, singing when she had the time. And to see her climb so far within the ranking system? He was proud. “You deserve it!”

She blushed an even darker shade of red. “Th-thank you.”

“You’re welcome. Hey, if you were old enough I would get you a drink in celebration! Guess that’ll be a few years though, huh,” he said with a chuckle. Karina was…well, she wasn’t like a daughter to him exactly, he wasn’t that close with her, but she was like a kid he sort of maybe babysat sometimes and once in a while they fought robbers.

“Plus we want to make sure it really happens!” she said.

“Ah true. But it will! You know it will!”

She turned her head, no doubt because of the blush that was dangerously close to turning her entire head red. “I…okay it will.” She turned back. “Tiger, why is Barnaby working with us?”

That took some of the joy out of him. “Uh, he didn’t tell you?” He also took the moment to order another beer.

“Not really. He said it was a good idea for him to be back with us for a bit but never said why.”

“Ah, well, that’s part of it…”

“You got in another fight didn’t you!?” She pointed an accusatory finger at him and Kotetsu backed away, nearly falling off the bar stool.

“It’s, it’s not like that!”

“You did, didn’t you? No wonder Barnaby’s been looking so lost the past couple of days!”

To say that didn’t bring him some sort of relief was a lie. Kotetsu didn’t show that. “I didn’t fight with him, he just -he doesn’t get that…” He trailed off. He couldn’t talk about it without admitting the more emotional details. It wasn’t that they were necessary; he just didn’t like to gloss over his feelings if he was going to mention them at all.

“Get what?” she asked, somewhat quieter.

Kotetsu had some of his second beer before answering, his mind jumping between telling Karina stuff and not telling her stuff. He decided to say fuck it, she was a high schooler but still his friend, and it didn’t matter who knew. It didn’t hurt Barnaby, it only embarrassed Kotetsu. “You ever liked someone you couldn’t have?”

The question certainly caught her by surprise and she stared at him before slowly sliding onto the stool next to his own. “Sure. I’m in high school, after all.”

He had to chuckle at that. “Okay. Did you ever tell them?”

“…No.”

“Ah.” He was sort of hoping she had and could help him. “Why?”

“He’s older than me, and it just, it wouldn’t work. He’s got other stuff to worry about. I think he’s always had eyes for someone else anyway.”

He smiled at her. “Honorable. You’re so mature for your age. I knew that. Well, anyway. I told him.”

“You told Barnaby.”

She didn’t sound as surprised as he thought she’d be. Well, he supposed he already let it slip anyway. “Uh huh. I did. Look, don’t go thinking I paint my toenails pink now, and when I go home I sleep in a bed of rainbows-“

“What?” her mouth dropped open and she stared at him. “What are you talking about?”

“Cause he’s a man and I’m a man…” He felt his own cheeks warm up. Okay, having a heart to heart about his gay crush to a girl of Karina’s age, that had to be wrong on some level. “Oh my God. Forget I said anything, okay?”

“I can’t, you know that.” He did. “Look, we all thought you guys had something going on.”

“Wonderful.”

“So we were right?”

“Half. Barnaby isn’t into me.” Kotetsu felt a lurch of pain in his chest as the words left his mouth. He couldn’t believe it, that he would never have Barnaby. He drank faster. “I’m not telling you everything, but I think you can go from there and see why we’re not working together.”

“Never thought you two would split up, as partners I mean,” Karina mumbled.

“Well, it’s not supposed to be for forever or anything, just…” He sighed. He had suddenly run out of energy. What did he even say?

“When my friends and I get mad at each other, sometimes we write a letter and stick it in someone’s locker. It helps a lot.”

“A letter?”

Karina nodded. “Because talking to someone is so hard when you’re fighting, and you don’t always think about what you say. But if you have time to think, you can tell him what you need to in a letter.”

It was actually a great idea. But there was an issue. “How do I get it to him?” Kotetsu asked with a sigh. And then he gave Karina a meaningful stare.

“Oh. Oh no. I am not getting involved.”

“Just give it to him? Please?”

“What if he gets mad at me?

“He won’t. Bunny doesn’t do that.” He’s too sweet, his mind added.

“Fine. But hurry up, because I do have a curfew of sorts when not on a call.”

Kotetsu jumped into action, nearly spilling his beer. He managed to get the bartender’s attention and asked him for something to write with. The bartender stared at him before sighing and handing him a memo pad he used to scribble down uncommon mixed drink requests. Kotetsu ripped out a couple of pieces of paper, borrowed a pen, and moved down the bar to an emptier area. He could see Karina giving him an odd look, but he needed what privacy he could get.

It took him a little bit to think of what to write, but he got himself moving.

Dear Bunny,

I miss you.

I’m sorry.

Please don’t stay mad at me. I’m not mad at you. I was a stupid jerk and I still am a stupid jerk and I need you. I really need you. I don’t know what to do without you. I don’t know how to keep going.

Sorry if I sound creepy.

Your friend,

Kotetsu

He stared at the letter, wondering momentarily about the wet spots after ‘I miss you’ and ‘I don’t know how to keep going’. He hadn’t realized he’d been crying. He missed Barnaby so much. He wished he hadn’t gotten his letter wet, but he supposed it would dry and no one would notice.

He composed himself and brought the letter to Karina. “Here..look, don’t read it okay!? Because-“

“I wouldn’t read it.” She folded the paper carefully and tucked it away in her small purse. “It’s safe with me. He better not get mad at me for what YOU wrote, though.”

“He won’t,” Kotetsu said honestly. “Thanks, Blue Rose.”

He thought he saw her blush again as she nodded, gave a little wave, and turned around to leave.

 

Two more days passed without a word from Barnaby.

Kotetsu was sure he’d fucked up even more with his needy sounding letter. Reflecting on it the next day, he could only imagine what went through Barnaby’s head when reading the words ‘I need you’. He must have come off as nothing but a lovesick fool.

That’s what he was. How could he have ever thought Barnaby was into someone like him? Clearly he didn’t have anything to offer him in the way of romance. Barnaby probably wanted a stable life, married with kids. Kotetsu told himself again and again that no matter how it hurt he would do his best to see that Barnaby was happy.

So he sat down to write a letter. Again. It was much less heartfelt than the other one and he felt a little devoid of emotion as he told Barnaby he’d help him get a girlfriend and everything, he just wanted to talk to him again. He got about halfway through it when Kaede called.

He talked to her for a little while, trying to avoid the subject of Barnaby even though she could clearly tell something was wrong. He wanted to keep the conversation positive for her, and he stuck to it even as she asked him repeatedly if he was okay. She didn’t prod and dig at him though; she had to go to bed fairly early for a field trip in the morning. Kotetsu hung up and went to the letter.

He stared at it, forgetting where he had been going with it if anywhere. But he didn’t know what to add. He sighed and signed it and then decided five minutes later to throw it away. Barnaby didn’t need help getting a girlfriend. He had plenty to choose from. The only thing holding him down was Kotetsu.

It was with that thought that Kotetsu went to bed. He had bad dreams where everyone rejected him, including Tomoe. He woke up a couple of times only to return to the dreams over and over. They went in cycles, starting with Barnaby laughing in his face and then everyone he knew slowly pushing him away before it came to Tomoe, and back to Barnaby. In his dream he was laughed at, picked on, and generally disliked. The times he woke up he found himself confused as to what was real and what wasn’t. He had a pounding headache but couldn’t seem to wake up enough to actually realize it and get up for a painkiller.

It was like he was trapped.

He woke up to someone shaking him. “Kotetsu? Kotetsu wake up.”

“Uuuhh.” He groaned and tried to open his eyes. It was Barnaby’s voice, and he was going to laugh at him again. And tell him he was stupid.

“Are you okay?”

Not expecting that, Kotetsu was able to coax his eyes open finally. Barnaby sounded concerned. When Kotetsu saw him, Barnaby was in his usual red boots and jacket, and a little blurry thanks to just waking up. As he realized he was awake he was also confused. “How…?”
“I have a key to your place, remember?”

“Why?”

“I’ve been sick the past day or so and I decided maybe I should just come here first thing since I knew you would be dwelling over that letter.”

“…Oh.”

“So, are you okay? You were whimpering.”

Embarrassing. Kotetsu sighed. “I am, Bunny. Just bad dreams. I’m just being an idiot,” he said as joy slowly began to fill his heart. Barnaby was right there in front of him, and worried about him too.

“An idiot?”

“That letter,I shouldn’t have written it. I shouldn’t have just stood up and left the restaurant - you’ve been sick?”

“Nevermind that, I’m concerned about you, Kotetsu.” Barnaby knelt down next to the bed. “I know you’re taking this all very hard. I’m worried you’ll do something, uh, stupid.”

“Stupid?” Kotetsu asked, rolling on his side to look at Barnaby. He looked cute as ever.

“I don’t know. Some people take rejection really bad. I don’t want you to do something to yourself.”

Kotetsu froze, or would have if he wasn’t already just lying there. He stared at Barnaby with wide shocked eyes. “You think I’d do that?”

“You’ve been really upset.” Barnaby folded his arms on the edge of the bed and rested his chin on them. “I’ve been like that before too, after Maverick was taken away and everything in my head was a mess.”

Kotetsu reached out for Barnaby’s hair, meaning to ruffle it but instead threading his fingers gently through the curls. “You mean you wanted to…”

“I just wanted the pain and confusion to stop. Things were really bad the year you were away.” Barnaby glanced at Kotetsu’s hand but remained still and didn’t stop him.

“You never told me.” Kotetsu was sad, learning how bad off Barnaby had been. They had kept in contact but not very well. If he had done better, maybe Barnaby wouldn’t have felt so in despair. His thumb brushed Barnaby’s cheek and he continued his slow rhythm stroking his hair.

“Well, you were with your family and I didn’t want to interfere. Sometimes things still hurt really bad, but it’s better now.”

“I help?”

“Immensely.” Barnaby sighed and closed his eyes.

“But you don’t want to be with me.” It didn’t make sense. Kotetsu knew he felt better with Barnaby around, and there was Barnaby admitting the same thing. How could the love – and it was love, he sort of hated realizing – he felt not be returned?

“I don’t really want to be with anyone Kotetsu.”

“Why?”

“I just don’t have those feelings.”

Kotetsu just didn’t get it. He dropped it for the time being as sleep began to creep back up on him. He was not well rested by any means, his dreams having disturbed him quite a bit. “But you were really so bad off when I was gone?”

“I was. I know I should have said something about it. But listen, it’s gone now. I think it had to get worse before it could get better.”

“That might apply to getting sick, Bunny, but it shouldn’t fit your feelings. It shouldn’t have gotten worse for you.” Barnaby was just ridiculous – losing his parents, dealing with Maverick, all the shit he had been through – and he thought it had to get worse for him to feel better? “Promise me you’ll tell me if you feel like that again.”

“Of course I do. But you have to promise the same, if you’re feeling really unhappy, to talk to me. Don’t feel like anything had changed between us and that you can’t.”

Kotetsu nodded. He couldn’t say it out loud because he didn’t know if he would end up keeping that promise. “Will you stay here for a bit? I want to go back to sleep, I barely slept…you can go once I fall asleep.”

“I’ll stay,” Barnaby said quietly.

“Cool.” He closed his eyes and sank into his pillow, hand resting against Barnaby’s face so that his fingers were still in his hair.

When he fell back asleep that morning, he had no bad dreams.

 

When he woke up, he was alone.

That is, no one was in the bedroom with him, but he could hear the television on and knew Barnaby had stayed in the apartment. That got him to get out of bed. That and looking at his clock, anyway. “Woah!” he yelped when he saw that it was a full two and a half hours later than usual. He nearly tripped over his blankets.

If he was late, Barnaby was late too! Kotetsu hopped on one foot as he got into his pants and then decided not to bother with his shirt yet – he needed to go tell Barnaby he was okay and could go. “Bunnyyyyy!” he yelled in the most annoying way possible.

Barnaby was in the kitchen, doing …something with eggs. “What?” He looked over his shoulder.

“I’m late! Which means you’re late!”

He shrugged. “I just called in sick again. I’m not lying, I’ve been terribly dizzy.”

“Bunny!” Kotetsu hadn’t forgotten about him being sick.

“I called you in too. I said you were helping me through the day today.”

“It’s really the other way around,” Kotetsu commented as he walked closer to see what Barnaby was doing. He was making an omelet. Kotetsu didn’t know he could make those.

“I’ll let you believe that. Breakfast?” Barnaby added some shredded cheese and tomatoes to his omelet.

“Uh sure…”

“What do you want in it?”

“A hot dog.”

“Seriously?” Barnaby turned to him and gave him a look of utter disgust.

“Seriously.” Kotetsu resisted to urge to point out Barnaby certainly wasn’t going to be kissing him and so it really wasn’t that bad. But he didn’t want to be bringing up that topic every time they talked. It wouldn’t help.

Barnaby had a different idea. He plated his omelet and went to dig out Kotetsu’s hot dogs. “I don’t want a girlfriend and kids by the way.”

“Huh?”

“I saw my name on a piece of paper sitting on top of the trash. So I looked.” He took out two packages. “Regular hot dog or cheesedog for your omelet? I can’t believe I’m asking this.”

“Cheese. You just looked - what, so you don’t like girls?”

“I didn’t say that.” Barnaby said, looking uncomfortable as he set aside the cheesedog and reached for more eggs.

“Okay. Well, whatever it is you want, I’ll help you.” He was utterly confused. He thought Barnaby would rather be with a girl, even though the guy never seemed interested in them. Maybe it was simply that he’d rather be with anyone who wasn’t Kotetsu after all. That hurt.

“Kotetsu I don’t know that I want any of that romance stuff. I told you, it’s not something I feel, for anyone.” Barnaby sighed and cracked the eggs into a cup, adding a tiny drop of vegetable oil and a splash of milk. He stirred it all together and slowly poured it into the frying pan.

“Okay…”

Barnaby turned to him and winced, his hand going to the side where he was stung. “Ow. Look, if you want to help me, help me recover my memories.”

“I’ve always volunteered to help with that.” Kotetsu’s gaze lingered where Barnaby held his side.

“I think now I’m ready for some help. You must understand, as everything fell apart and came together at once, it was very confusing and personal. Now…I still get my uh, nightmares and panic attacks. I think if maybe I let someone give me a hand, I could be less stressed.”

“I see. Sso you had to learn to trust me again?” Kotetsu muttered.

“That’s not what I - look Kotetsu don’t turn this into another disagreement. I don’t like it when we argue. I’m saying I wasn’t stable for a while.”

Kotetsu still had half a mind to make a big deal out of it and turn it into a thing just because he was upset. He just nodded though.

Barnaby turned his attention back to the cheesedog, cutting it into pieces before dumping them on the omelet. “Help me with this Kotetsu, and that’s all you need to do to make me happy.”

“I will.” He would do anything. Barnaby deserved anything he could give him, putting up with him like that and making him breakfast. His urge to start an argument quickly dissipated.

“But we won’t start today.” Barnaby plated his omelet and brought both to the table.

“No?” Kotetsu sat down as Barnaby also brought them water. It was weird, having him serve him in his own home.

“No. I don’t really feel up to it, and I want you to take it easy.”

“But-“

“No buts.” Barnaby shoved a fork at him. “….Now eat your disgusting cheesedog omelet.”

 

It was not long before Kotetsu got to actually aid Barnaby in his memory issues. In the middle of the night, in fact, Kotetsu found himself in Barnaby’s apartment after a panicked phone call. He knew it was a nightmare but hurried anyway, a little fear in the back of his mind.

He got there to find Barnaby with a blanket over his shoulders and pacing back and forth. Kotetsu wasted no time rushing to him and pulling him into a tight hug. He didn’t release him until Barnaby began to gently shove him away. Then he realized he’d hung on for a little too long and stepped back.

“What was it this time?”

“It’s well, it’s a strange one. I remembered finding out the truth, but years ago.”

Kotetsu tilted his head. “Huh?”

“The memory Maverick planted in me. It must have faded a few times, and each time he had to redo it. The time I just remembered…I was thirteen. It was in April. I fell down and hit my head hard and it all came rushing back. Maverick was there.”

“And why didn’t you leave?”

“I’m getting to that. Kotetsu I’m pretty sure he aimed a gun at me when I was still down. The gun went off, but I don’t ever remember being shot. I think he walked me to his car.”

“He was trying to scare you.” Kotetsu wished Maverick was alive just so he could hit him. “That lowlife wanted to scare you so he could make sure to fix that memory. But hundred power works so fast, why didn’t you go?”

“I said, I was still down. And probably disoriented. I was remembering things mixed with events that had never happened. And when I got up, there was a gun on me.”

“Ah…Bunny?” Kotetsu blinked as he noticed the wetness on Barnaby’s cheeks. He was crying. He was quiet, but he had wet paths down his face. “Bunny, hey.” Kotetsu closed that small distance between them again and lifted his hands up to wipe away the tears with his thumbs. He didn’t accomplish much of anything doing that, since they kept flowing.

“S-sorry, I don’t mean to…”

“Why are you apologizing? You can cry as much as you need to. Maybe you should sit down?”

Barnaby nodded and started to move toward his chair when he stopped. “Ouch,” he grunted.

“Is that sting…?” Kotetsu moved away to let him walk, but Barnaby stood still.

“Uh, yea.” He nodded.

“It’s been bothering you for a few days now, hasn’t it?” Kotetsu sighed and began to take the blanket that surrounded Barnaby. “You know our rule about hiding stuff from each other.”

“It’s not like you didn’t suspect it anyway. I couldn’t hide it much.”

“You still tried, why?” Kotetsu threw the blanket over the top of the chair while Barnaby crossed his arms over himself. He had chosen to sleep in just his boxer shorts and was shivering. It was no surprise as he had his air conditioner turned up pretty high.

“You already felt guilty about it, you didn’t need more…” Barnaby trailed off and looked down, looking considerably more vulnerable and guilty than Kotetsu had ever seen – except for maybe the day they went to the skating rink and saw the Christmas tree.

If that was the effect of the nightmares on Barnaby, Kotetsu was actually a little angry Barnaby had not called him to his side sooner. He just knew he had them and if they happened to be asleep in the same apartment he would hear Barnaby scream but he never actually got to talk to him much after they happened.

He put a hand on Barnaby’s back and escorted him to the chair where he made him sit down and lean back. The injury was on his side and there was no further reason Barnaby should be uncomfortable when he could lay back like that.

The sight made him a little sick to his stomach.

The flesh was not a healthy color – variations of purple and red and what almost looked like black though Kotetsu was sure it had to be a darker shade of one of the other colors. It looked like it was bleeding, almost like little open scratch wounds. Some bits of flesh were swollen, almost looking like bubbles on his skin. The entire area was about five inches wide. There was a smell coming from it too, Kotetsu noticed. It was very faint, and smelled almost fruity. When he inhaled his head spun and he gripped the chair, feeling as though he was being spun around.

Against his better judgement he reached out and poked one of the swollen mounds of skin with the tip of his finger. Barnaby twitched but gave no other reaction. He touched the purple area and Barnaby lurched forward with a howl.

Kotetsu stopped immediately. “Bunny, why don’t you have this bandaged?”

“Hurts.”

“Okay, well, surely a doctor can-“

“I don’t want to go to a doctor.”

Kotetsu wondered if he had heard that right. Barnaby was the sensible one, the one who didn’t do dumb shit. He would know to take care of an injury straight away. “Why?”

“I -I don’t know what it was exactly. But I know, I really know that something happened in a hospital. I don’t want to go. Please don’t make me go.”

“Something you remembered?”

“Yes and no.” Barnaby was shaking, Kotetsu realized. “I know something happened. If I think about going I feel sick. I want to panic. I want to leave. I’d almost rather let this thing kill me than go to a hospital.”

Kotetsu was shocked. “Bunny, please, you have to.”

“Didn’t you listen to me!?”

“Yes!” Kotetsu grabbed Barnaby’s shoulder. “I did! And while I want to figure that out so you’re not scared…Bunny, I would rather you not die and go to the damn hospital! Please, don’t be a, um, don’t be me.”

Barnaby gave him a surprised look, that turned into a glare, that morphed into a defeated look. “I…”

Kotetsu had an idea, one he would have thought Barnaby would have gotten a few days ago. “When the paramedics treated you, you were okay right?”

“Yes, but that was before-“

“But that’s not a hospital.”

“True.”

“Let’s make an emergency call and get an ambulance out here to treat you. Where’s your phone?” Kotetsu asked, spinning in a complete circle.

“Can we wait and call them in the morning?”

“Absolutely not!”

“Kotetsu, please?”

The pleading in his voice made Kotetsu take a deep breath and try to calm down. Looking at that injury again made his brain nearly go right into overdrive. He was on the edge of scooping Barnaby up and bringing him somewhere to be helped. “Why? Why wait?”

“I’m exhausted.” Barnaby leaned back again. “Kotetsu it’s a little after 4 am. Please, please don’t make me try to deal with this right now. I want a little more sleep. I want to sleep without a nightmare. I’m so tired.”

Again, there was that pleading. Kotetsu was not used to it and it was painful. He didn’t understand what was going on in Barnaby’s head that would take away his sensibility. They should have at least had an ambulance on the way, even though the sting was by no means new.

“You’ve been sick,” Kotetsu commented.

“Yea, I have been. And sometimes I’m not sure if what I’m seeing is a memory or a hallucination.”

“Barnaby!” It was a shock to both of them as Kotetsu used his actual name, but he was borderline panicking. “B-Bunny, if you’ve been seeing things…!”

“I don’t know that I have been!”

He had to take deep breaths. “Okay. Okay, you can sleep a little longer. But you need to let me wrap that up, something to protect it. How has it not gotten infected? Maybe it has.”

“I usually have my shirt right over it. That doesn’t hurt as much as touching it with my fingers and covers it.”

“Whatever. I don’t care. We’re wrapping it.” Kotetsu did not wait to hear any more protest as he walked away. He knew all Barnaby’s first aid stuff was in his bathroom and he wasted no time getting it out, cursing under his breath. The guilt Barnaby tried so hard to fend off was eating him because it was his fault Barnaby was in pain like that. He just hoped like hell getting it taken care of would keep Barnaby from getting sick anymore.

He returned to Barnaby carrying a handful of things, and set them down on the table next to the chair, alongside Barnaby’s laptop.

“What is all that?” Barnaby asked.

“Some bacitrin ointment. I don’t see how it could hurt, it can only help.” He actually didn’t know much about stings. But he doubted he could make it worse with something designed to fight off infections and the like. “Trauma dressing, some gauze, that sorta stuff. Ibuprofen…” He felt kind of smart even though he didn’t know if there was a better way to handle it.

“Ointment, Kotetsu, you barely touched me and that hurt!”

“I know. Um, stand up.”

Barnaby stood up, and walked closer when Kotetsu waved him over. “Okay?”

“You might want to put your arms around me. Grab my shirt or something. Just promise not to hurt me too much.”

“I don’t get it,” Barnaby commented, but did it anyway. He put his arms around Kotetsu’s torso and folded them upwards under his shoulders so he had a comfortable grip on his shirt.

“Good.” It took some maneuvering and Kotetsu momentarily had his arms around Barnaby as well as he opened up the tube of ointment and squeezed a gracious amount on the end of his fingers. He used about half of the tube. He set the tube aside and kept one arm around Barnaby. He dropped the other one and very, very carefully began to lightly rub the ointment onto that patch of skin.

Barnaby yelled like he was being tortured and tightened his grip on Kotetsu’s shirt. He dropped his head against Kotetsu’s shoulder and yelled again. Kotetsu could make out a few curse words as he continued to work the ointment in. Barnaby’s fingers dug into him even through his shirt and for a moment he worried he would see Barnaby light up with the blue glow. It was lucky for him that he didn’t, because he had no idea how he would have handled that.

Instead he felt his shirt rip in Barnaby’s grip and his ear hurt with the sheer volume of Barnaby’s cries, but it was over in a little over a minute. He immediately stopped touching him there and hugged Barnaby close with both arms. Barnaby’s breathing was ragged, and he was whimpering from the pain. His entire body shook and he was slick with sweat.

If just his touch hurt so much, Kotetsu couldn’t understand why Barnaby had been able to keep going along as long as he had with the wound uncovered. Though, he had seen Barnaby making faces only then and the day before, and he had called out sick a couple of times…

“Bunny, let me put the dressing on it now.”

“No,” Barnaby sobbed and clenched tighter to the ripped shirt.

“Yes. Come on. I need to sit you down, but let’s get you to your bed so you don’t have to stand up again.”

Barnaby said nothing but relented. He let go of Kotetsu and tried to take a step but stumbled. Kotetsu sighed and caught his shoulder. “Alright. I’ll need my powers for this one.”

“Huh?”

“Time for you to be a pretty princess.” Kotetsu let his powers take over, hoping it wouldn’t somehow take longer than 45 seconds. He carefully scooped up Barnaby so that the bad side wasn’t pressed against him. Barnaby gave him an annoyed look – the nerve! – but looped his arms around Kotetsu’s neck anyway.

It didn’t take long of course to get him to his bed. Thankfully Barnaby had left a lamp on inside the room. Kotetsu made him sit upright first and applied the dressing. Barnaby twitched which turned into squirming and outright growling, but nothing compared to his earlier reaction. Once it was wrapped they both had to catch their breaths and calm down.

“Can I sleep?” Barnaby asked after a couple of minutes of silence.

“Almost. You like milk before bed, right?”

“Oh…I do.”

Kotetsu nodded and said nothing before going to the kitchen. He poured a glass of milk and yawned – he was absolutely exhausted and didn’t even know what was going through his own head at the moment. Waking up at such a time to take care of his partner was not normal.

He didn’t dwell in the kitchen too long, bringing Barnaby the milk and the antihistamine. He shoved two little pills into one of Barnaby’s hands and the glass into another. Barnaby didn’t even ask anything else before throwing back the pills and draining his glass quickly.

He looked at Kotetsu pleadingly and Kotetsu nodded. “Yes. You can, you need to sleep now.”

“Good. Hey, Kotetsu, will you stay?”

“You want me to stay?” Kotetsu raised an eyebrow.

“Yes. I don’t feel like sleeping alone right now, I…”

“Should I get some pillows for the floor or something?”

“Kotetsu.” Barnaby moved over and patted the bed next to him.

“Ah.” Kotetsu blushed. “But I thought you-“

“It doesn’t change things.”

“You realize this is torture,” Kotetsu said with a sigh. He had kind of hoped that- well, he knew things hadn’t changed.

“I…you’re right. I just thought, I don’t think I can sleep by myself at the moment.”

“Need some comfort?” Kotetsu finished for him.

Barnaby looked almost ashamed. “Yes.”

“…Alright.”

“Really?” Barnaby stared at him in disbelief.

“I mean, why should I complain?” Kotetsu took off his ripped shirt. “But I should probably have a shirt otherwise this will be weird.”

“Take whatever you want from my dresser. Shirt, shorts, whatever.” Barnaby flopped down onto his back.

Kotetsu nodded and went to do so, knowing he didn’t want to sleep in pants but couldn’t go down to his underwear. It didn’t matter that Barnaby was only in his. Kotetsu knew that was more comfortable for him.

He chose one of Barnaby’s many black t-shirts and a pair of red shorts. Feeling slightly ridiculous in them he decided to just slip into bed. He hesitated slightly before getting in on Barnaby’s good side. Completely unsure of what to do and how to act when he was sleeping with the person he was in love with but not sleeping with him he just froze and stared dumbly at the blanket.

“Move closer, Kotetsu.” Barnaby’s words were a sleepy whisper and his eyes were closed.

Kotetsu inched closer and put an arm over Barnaby’s chest. He rested his head on his shoulder, feeling the slight tickle of Barnaby’s curls on his skin. He resisted crossing one leg over Barnaby’s.

The lamp had been left on, but that was okay. Barnaby was already slipping off into slumber and Kotetsu was too exhausted and comfortable to care. He felt an ache in his chest as he closed his eyes and listened to Barnaby breathe. Laying there with him felt like the most natural thing in the world.

He tried not to think about the fact that it was temporary, a few hours at best. Like he had thought, it was a mild torture. Regardless, he was happy Barnaby has asked him to stay.

 

Barnaby was still breathing when Kotetsu woke up next to him. He wasn’t pale and didn’t really seem sickly either. Kotetsu checked for a fever but his head was cool.

Good. He breathed a sigh of relief and gathered Barnaby into his arms. He was safe. And that meant Kotetsu didn’t feel bad for his own reaction: tears.

They were flowing before he could help it. He felt weak, he felt ridiculous, like an awkward teenager pining after the popular kid. He was in his thirties! But at the same time, he was sad, and being sad didn’t have an age limit. Being heartbroken didn’t have an age limit.

He rested his chin on Barnaby’s head, and tried to concentrate and stop. He couldn’t. When Barnaby was better he might think that Kotetsu was being creepy sleeping next to him, or maybe he might not want him around so much, or things would continue and they would be close in a way that made Kotetsu want to tear his hair out.

Barnaby shifted under him and made a soft groaning sound, waking up slowly. Kotetsu didn’t expect him to wake up so soon and tried to blink back his tears, but only ended up sniffing loudly and being completely unsuccessful in any of it.

“Mmmm.” Barnaby moved his head and Kotetsu immediately rolled onto his back and looked away. Barnaby rubbed his own eyes and stretched himself out under the blanket before actually looking at Kotetsu. “You awake?”

He still had a way out! Kotetsu closed his eyes and tried to ignore him.

“Kotetsu I saw you close your eyes.” Barnaby propped himself up on his elbow. “I knew you’d pretend to be asleep. Look, we do need to get up-Kotetsu?”

“Ah, what?” Kotetsu opened his eyes slowly and looked at Barnaby.

“Were you crying?”

“Allergies.”

“Don’t lie.” Barnaby reached for him, his fingers brushing just under Kotetsu’s eyes. “It’s wet.” He narrowed his eyes.

“Allergies!”

“Cut it out Kotetsu! Didn’t you get on me last night for hiding things?”

He had a point and Kotetsu sighed. “Fine. I was crying. Don’t ask why though.”

“Is it because of me?”

Kotetsu groaned and sat up. His back was hunched as he stared at his feet. He thought about answering Barnaby’s question but decided it was best not to. They had more pressing matters anyway. “Okay. I’m getting up and calling out an ambulance.”

“Um, I…”

“I’ll make it clear you aren’t going to the hospital.”

Barnaby visibly relaxed and Kotetsu crawled out of bed. Once he had slipped away from the comfort and warmth he felt like crying again. And he did, a little, as he left the bedroom to make the call somewhere else. He wanted to give Barnaby some privacy after all.

The call was brief. They needed an ambulance and some EMT’s out there, but they did not want to bring Barnaby to the hospital. When Kotetsu was asked why not the hospital, he blabbered something about Barnaby having ridiculously high standards and only wanting his own apartment. The man on the other end huffed but said okay and hung up.

From there Kotetsu wandered into the kitchen to make coffee. He couldn’t handle going back in the bedroom. He could not see the bed with Barnaby in it and not feel sad. That was the only place he wanted to be. No, he was going to stay in the kitchen and have his coffee and toast . But he knew he had to check on Barnaby. He had kind of just up and left to make the call.

Luckily for him Barnaby emerged on his own, wearing jeans but no shirt still. Kotetsu supposed it’d be pointless for him to put one on if he would need it off to be checked over. And hell, the sight of Barnaby with his hair still mussed up, sleepy, shirtless…

Kotetsu was able to confess to himself that his attraction to Barnaby was on a sexual level as well. He hadn’t been quite sure about that since Barnaby had the same ‘equipment’ and all. But even the thought of that…Kotetsu studied Barnaby head to, well, he didn’t quite make it to the toes.

His eyes were fixed on Barnaby’s crotch when the blonde cleared his throat. Kotetsu looked up to see him glaring. “Oh, no Bunny it’s not what you think!”

“Uh huh. Pour me some coffee,” he demanded and shuffled off toward the bathroom.

Kotetsu felt like an asshole. He really hadn’t meant to stare as he came to his own little realization. He poured Barnaby a cup of coffee and brought it to the table next to the single chair in the living room. Then he went back to the kitchen. He was just going to stay in there and eat more toast until someone needed him.

Barnaby exited the bathroom moments later, his hair combed and curled to perfection and his face washed. He hadn’t gotten in the shower but he somehow still smelled like blueberry…pancakes. Someday Kotetsu was going to have to look at Barnaby’s cologne collection and decide what was too stupid to stay.

“Coffee’s in the living room,” he muttered and turned away. He focused intensely on washing some dishes and a good minute passed before he heard the sound of Barnaby walking away. He had no idea why he had stood there longer than a second.

A knock on the door came soon, and Kotetsu heard Barnaby answer it. He welcomed in the people that had to be the EMT’s, talking to them about how he felt more comfortable at home and all. Kotetsu could make out some words but they became a little harder to make out when Barnaby was telling the men about the sting. He remained in the kitchen still, not wanting to be out there. The guys would do their thing, then leave, and then he would probably leave too so Barnaby didn’t feel he was molesting him with his eyes.

Things seemed a little bleak, and right when they had been getting to a good place.

He poured another cup of coffee trying to wait out the mumbling in the other room. He would look ridiculous in Barnaby’s clothes anyway. Maybe he ought to change out of them -

“Kotetsu!” A shout came from the other room. It was Barnaby and he didn’t sound panicked or anything, but Kotetsu could just tell it was urgent.

He was uncomfortable, but he went to answer Barnaby’s call. “What?” He walked into the living room to see two guys standing in front of Barnaby with the dressing Kotetsu had applied on the floor, stained with what looked like blood and something gross. Barnaby looked very stressed out.

“They want me to go to the hospital.” Barnaby told him.

One of the men, who wore a nametag that read Matt, spoke up. “We would like to do bloodwork on him and give him some more intensive treatment. That…wound doesn’t seem infected, but it’s still dangerous. He’s pretty sick.”

Kotetsu looked between the two of them. Barnaby still looked semi-healthy. “There’s no shots or whatever you can just give him?” he asked, already know the answer.

“There is, but he will need more. And-“

“What makes you think he’s so sick anyway? He looks okay. He doesn’t look like he’s dying.” Kotetsu folded his arms.

“He’s not the first victim of that man with the tail,” the other one said.

That shut Kotetsu down pretty good. If they had seen the results and knew it would get bad, he kind of had to accept it. “How bad?”

“Well, coma or death, if not treated-“

“Bunny go to the hospital.”

Barnaby stared at him in surprise. “What?”

“Go. You’ll get there and realize whatever it is that bothers you is no big deal.” He avoided mentioning that he could get over his fear. No one needed to know that Barnaby was actually terrified.

“N-no, Kotetsu, I can’t. I can’t!” Color drained from Barnabys’s face then while Matt and his coworker looked at each other. “Kotetsu please…”

“You can’t haul any of your IV’s and junk here?” Kotetsu asked them.

“Uh, well, we can, technically, some people get to the point where they need to be treated in their own homes, or more accurately, want to be,” Matt explained. “But that’s usually for those on their way out…Barnaby will want better access to doctors and faster emergency response.”

Kotetsu looked at Barnaby again, though his question was for the EMT’s. “So what exactly is going to happen to him?”

“It’s a slow working poison. It weakens someone and then takes them down. He’s got a light sickness right now but that’s going to get worse as his organs start to shut down. You do have some days before it gets really bad, but you don’t want to wait until the last minute. Other symptoms and problems might show up.”

Kotetsu rubbed his forehead and Barnaby continued to say nothing, looking small as he tried and failed to withdraw into his chair. “How about…will we be okay if we wait a couple of days?”

“We?” Matt questioned.

Kotetsu turned a little red. “I mean Bu…Barnaby, but I’m going to try and help. Will he be okay if we take a couple of days to figure things out and convince him to go?”

The second EMT nodded, and Matt added a very slow “I guess so…”.

“Then that’s what will happen. In a couple of days, you can take him, and I WILL make him go.” Kotetsu shot Barnaby a demanding look, and Barnaby just looked away as if something on his wall was absolutely fascinating.

“Well just call us, I guess,” Matt offered though he sounded a little annoyed. Kotetsu understood. He wanted to do his job and help but Barnaby was making it difficult. Kotetsu had dealt with people like that.

He wrapped up their conversation real fast by telling them he and Barnaby had some business to get to and needed to start immediately. The men exchanged looks as they were actually rushed out of the apartment, though Kotetsu slowed down and Barnaby tolerated them enough to get a shot. They left what they could to help.

When they were gone Barnaby spoke. “What on earth are you planning, Kotetsu?”

“I want us to really try hard, try to figure out why you’re afraid to go. Once we know and can do something about it, you can go and get better.”

“You don’t really believe this will kill me, do you? Come on…” Barnaby stretched out on his chair tiredly.

“Sure I do.” Kotetsu approached him hesitantly. “People get killed by bug bites and stepping on a rusty nail. They get killed from making a misjudgment that would have put them within a millisecond of avoiding an accident. So…yea.”

Barnaby just nodded sullenly and sipped the coffee.

“And I’m not going anywhere until we know what’s going on. I’m staying here. Well I might go home to get some clothes but other than that I’m staying here. I’ll sleep on the floor, don’t even worry about me being a perverted old man. I’m not going to try anything.”

“I didn’t think you would.”

“Yea well you sure gave me a glare earlier.”

“You were noticeably checking me out. I didn’t like it.”

“I didn’t mean to!” Kotetsu said defensively. He bit his tongue and avoided mentioning Barnaby letting him cuddle right up to him the previous night. “I saw you come out, and got to thinking, that’s all!”

“Thinking about what?”

Kotetsu’s cheeks burned. “It doesn’t matter. I just won’t try anything, you got it?”

Barnaby sighed. “I know you would never ‘try anything’. That’s not you, old man. That’s never been you.”

“Yea…” Kotetsu never had been very filthy or perverted though he sure did say some raunchy things once in a great while. And he’d be lying if he said he didn’t have some folders of very naked people on his computer and sometimes a few Kleenexes in the trashcan. But he didn’t prey on anyone like that.

“So what were you thinking about?”

“Why do you care? Can’t you get the basic idea?”

“There’s more to it.”

Kotetsu scratched his neck and looked at his feet. Might as well say it, because Barnaby was not going to leave him alone. “I saw you all shirtless and stuff, and thought about how I really do find you attractive.”

“That’s not news.”

“But it is! When I told my brother about my feelings for you, I also told him I didn’t know exactly how they went, if I just loved your personality or…or something! Or if I also wanted to have…sex..withyou…” he trailed off the last part, incredibly embarrassed. He sounded disgusting.

Barnaby sat up a little. “So you weren’t sure if you were okay with the sexual element, though you knew otherwise you wanted to be with me.”

“Yes.”

“And you realized today if we were together, you would want sex with me.”

How could he speak so calmly? Kotetsu felt like he might pass out. “Yea, I’d want it all.”

“Well, I’m sorry for making you feel bad.”

“Huh?”

“I assumed you were just checking me out without much thought behind it,just being obvious and weird. I didn’t even think of the train of thought behind it.”

“That makes it different?”

“Yes. I mean, I still don’t want to see you doing that, but I like to know you actually thought about it. It means a lot to know you liked who I am long before you starting thinking about my body like that.”

“I guess I see.”

“It’s okay, Kotetsu.” He stood up and winced. “I need a shower…they gave me this numbing spray. It will help me get in and out and maybe even lightly wash without the extreme pain, though what you did for me last night did help a lot.”

“I’m glad.” Kotetsu was listening, but he was still so embarrassed he could barely respond.

“After that, I guess we’ll start trying to figure out my memory stuff,” he said, approaching Kotetsu.

“Sure.”

“Cheer up Kotetsu. We’re okay.”

“I just, I can’t, I...Bunny.”

Barnaby laughed a little and patted his face gently before leaning in to give him a quick kiss on the cheek. “You need to stop worrying so much.”

“Bunny!” Kotetsu said, alarmed, and turned to watch him leave. He was glad they were done talking for the moment because Barnaby had effectively wiped out his thought process.

---

“Blood transfusion.”

Kotetsu looked up from the newspaper he’d been reading. He’d been very quiet since their earlier conversation and started doing little things like neatening up and watching television – when that got boring he asked Barnaby if he got the paper and then there he was, sitting on the floor with it.

Barnaby had seated himself at his computer, going through any files he could find and additional sites just to figure out what the hell had happened to him. Kotetsu had to wait until he figured anything out to actually be able to help.

“Blood transfusion?” he repeated, watching as Barnaby leaned forward and looked at his screen.

“Medical records I never accessed, or was able to access, anyway. I had one when I was thirtteen.”

“Awful young to be having a blood transfusion.”

“I got hurt pretty bad, I think.”

Somehow that hadn’t occurred to Kotetsu. He set the newspaper on the ground. “How did you get hurt?”

“That’s what I’m trying to figure out. It must have been really bad, why else would Maverick have wiped…oh, I guess he kind of wiped everything.” Barnaby muttered to himself, clicking on things Kotetsu couldn’t see from the floor.

He decided to fix that and climbed to his feet. “What else have you found out?” he asked, refusing that through his searches Barnaby didn’t come across a wealth of other information.

Barnaby frowned. “A lot Kotetsu, it’s a little hard to process. Have to kind of close myself off to a lot of the things I merely glance at. I want to know, but all at once…”

“I understand,” Kotetsu said, standing next to Barnaby. His cheek still tingled where Barnaby had kissed him, and his own thoughts had been rushing through his head. He was trying to figure out what kind of trauma could have happened during a blood transfusion. They weren’t pleasant, not by a longshot. But something about it didn’t seem to fit.

“I wonder what happened during that hospital stay. It has to have been bad,” Barnaby said.

That’s when Kotetsu realized he was thinking like an idiot – of course it wasn’t the procedure itself. He just couldn’t think! “Oh, uh-huh.”

“Well, maybe it’s what put me there. But I’m having trouble finding anything, damn!” He leaned forward. Kotetsu bent forward slightly so he could look too. He could see some medical records but they were the most vague things he’d ever seen in his life.

“Patient admitted with excessive blood loss…well no shit, kinda guessed that! It doesn’t say what happened. There must be a police report, or incident report or something. I’ve had a couple, and they’re some of the first records you could pull up on me. Er, well, you or Lloyds or the people who have access to this stuff I mean.”

Barnaby nodded, not paying much attention to Kotetsu. “I think it was one of the times I found out the truth about what happened and I tried to get away. I remember I got hurt. Maverick came to the hospital room, wait not him, but it was family and he’s my guardian…” His breathing came quicker and he stared at the screen.

“Bunny?”

“Maverick was there though too I think, he was not happy. He-he…” He rocked slightly.

That was extremely alarming. “Barnaby, what did he do? Did he er, touch you or something?”

“No.” Barnaby shook his head. “Something else scary. But I can’t…I can’t…”

Kotetsu was a little relieved at the answer to his question, else he might have actually thrown up. He wasn’t sure if he could handle Barnaby saying his ‘guardian’ molested him. But he knew he shouldn’t be relieved because something bad happened regardless. “You can’t quite remember it?”

Barnaby shook his head and crossed his arms over his chest. He didn’t look right. Kotetsu blinked and looked closer to see that Barnaby was shaking. He was taking short breaths, his eyes wide.

It was a panic attack. Kotetsu hated those because aside from the obvious they scared the shit out of him. He always thought there would be a possibility Barnaby wouldn’t be okay, and would leave and do something stupid. “Hey, Bunny, it’s alright. Bunny, hey, it’s me.”

Barnaby was shaking his head and trying to speak. “It…I wish I could…remember…why can’t I…remember,” he said, shaking by a leaf at that point.

“Ssshh. Hey, take some deep breaths Bunny, okay?” he told him and rubbed his back. It was hard to make himself stay calm, but he had to do it. “It’s okay. We’re going to make it okay.” Or he would die trying, at least.

He just wanted Barnaby to be okay. He knew if only Barnaby would let him, he would make him so happy.

“Kotetsu.”

“I’m here,” he answered, continuing to rub his back. “I’m here Bunny, I’m not going anywhere.” He’d learned early on that Barnaby liked the touch during his attacks, and he was calming down quicker than he ever used to.

“Kotetsu it’s bad,” Barnaby managed to say, sounding a little childish. It didn’t bother Kotetsu. He knew Barnaby could barely concentrate on his presence much less how his words sounded.

“You’re okay, Bunny.” If only he could kiss him and make it stop. He would do so much more if he was allowed. He would calm him down in a much more comfortable way.

He wished he could help having such selfish thoughts.

After a few minutes Barnaby’s breathing began to level out and he stopped shaking. He slowly leaned back in his chair and Kotetsu stopped rubbing his back. He watched him, even though he knew Barnaby was just going to relax.

When Barnaby was finally semi-relaxed, he looked at Kotetsu. “Thank you.”

“You don’t have to thank me.”

“Yes I do. You put up with me when I get like this. You could just walk away.”

“You know I would never do that.” Kotetsu leveled his gaze at Barnaby. He wouldn’t walk away from anyone having a panic attack.

“I know, I still appreciate it,” Barnaby said with a shrug. He looked at his computer screen briefly. “I don’t think I can do anymore of this right now, or even tonight.”

Kotetsu frowned. They didn’t have an unlimited amount of time after all. “Well, Bunny…”

“Please, I really can’t. I can’t think about it, it just feels terrible if I try,” he said, looking at his own hands.

“Want me to take your mind off it?”

“You can try, but I don’t know if it’ll work,” Barnaby said miserably.

Kotetsu paused, and then just decided to go forth with what he had in mind. “Can I take you on a date?”

“Uh…”

“I’ll make sure you have a nice evening. And you know, sometimes, sometimes people date just to see how they feel about each other.” Maybe Barnaby would change his mind.

“Oh Kotetsu, I don’t know about this.”

“Please?” Kotetsu put his hands in his pockets and shuffled. “I won’t expect anything from you. I just want you to feel better, and we both can have fun.”

“Where would you be taking me?” Barnaby asked, glancing at his laptop again and then reaching out to close it.

“Dinner, and then I don’t know,” he admitted. He never had been able to successfully find the dream date for himself and Barnaby. He’d thought about it so much. “Dancing?”

“Wow, no. And I’m not holding your hand either.”

Kotetsu laughed even though that actually felt like a stab in the heart. “That’s okay. Maybe we eat dinner and then go on a walk to find something interesting. I guess it’ll be sorta like normal, but we’ll call it a date. I’ll buy you something nice,” he just added in there.

“You know you don’t have to buy me anything,” Barnaby said but he was starting to smile and Kotetsu knew his silly offer did the trick. Barnaby didn’t really care for material things, and he knew Kotetsu knew that. Buying him stuff had sort of become a strange personal joke between them.

“We’ll see what we find. So what do you think…?”

Barnaby stood up, giving his computer an irritated look. Kotetsu knew he was curious but also too anxious to try to remember anymore. He looked back at Kotetsu. “Alright. You can take me on a date. But don’t expect me to hold your hand,” he repeated. “And don’t expect any kissing or funny business!”

“I know!” He wouldn’t expect them. He would just hope like hell. “What are the chances of a hug?”

“Now or later?”

“Ah, both.” Kotetsu grinned at him.

Barnaby snorted and stepped closer to him. He gave Kotetsu a tight hug. Kotetsu wrapped his arms around him quickly, knowing Barnaby was in no mood to linger or string him along. He closed his eyes for the few seconds that hug lasted.

It went by too quickly and Barnaby let go. Kotetsu immediately released him and stepped back. “I’m going to go to my apartment, okay? I need to get my clothes and stuff.” Regardless of how the date went, he was going to be staying with Barnaby until he could go to the hospital.

“Okay,” Barnaby said with a nod.

“Stay off your computer.”

“I don’t have anything else to do!” Barnaby whined and then caught himself. “I mean, I will. I’ll listen to some music.”

“Good. I’ll come back here for you later. For now I need to go get myself all ready for a hot date.” He winked at Barnaby before realizing how stupid that both sounded and looked.

Barnaby rolled his eyes. “Oh boy, if you’re this charming later, how will I resist?”

“Why bother resisting?”

“You’re too much,” Barnaby said. He shook his head but smiled again.

 

Kotetsu arrived back at Barnaby’s place around six in the evening. He hadn’t dressed much differently than normal, since he normally dressed fairly nicely. Barnaby put on a dress shirt and managed to put on slacks rather than jeans. Kotetsu was almost disappointed, because those jeans could be…tight.

Then he remembered their talk from the morning and decided slacks were best.

Barnaby quietly left the apartment building with him as they decided to walk to their dinner. Kotetsu had a table reserved earlier in the day at a nice place. Not the type of nice that cost an arm and a leg, but still somewhere they didn’t usually go.

“You’ll love it Bunny. You’ve probably already been there, but they have some of the best wine, I guess…” He had no clue. The first couple of minutes they walked Barnaby said nothing and Kotetsu wasn’t happy with that. He had resorted to small talk.

“Okay, Kotetsu.”

“I read all these reviews! Okay I read five, but they all gave it a lot of stars. I guess it’s been here a while but I’ve never been in there. Never really had a reason, you know?” He didn’t mean that to sound sad, but it sort of sounded like that anyway.

“You never met anyone in the past few years that you wanted to date?”

“Except you? No, not really. I wasn’t looking for anyone. I didn’t really care about keeping up any sort of bonds I guess.” He had become quite withdrawn.

Barnaby nodded. He looked like he was going to ask something else but said nothing for another few minutes. “I didn’t go back on my laptop,” he finally said.

“Oh? Good. I’m glad.”

“I don’t know how to handle it when I try to look again.”

Kotetsu looked at him as they walked. “I’m going to be right next to you next time you look.”

“Are you sure?”

“What’s what supposed to mean?” Kotetsu asked, insulted.

“Nothing, Kotetsu. I’m just a little muddled right now.”

“Ah. “ Poor Bunny. Kotetsu wasn’t sure what else to say, but he was saved as the restaurant came into view. The cursive sign over the windows and door read ‘Fat Dragon Sternbild’. He pointed. “Hey Bunny! There we are!”

Barnaby looked. He also stopped walked. “…You took me to a place called ‘Fat Dragon’? Seriously?”

“Well…yea. They have sushi and a nice bar. I thought you might enjoy it. The name is silly, but the food is good.” He went quiet, feeling very small. When he’d been planning, somehow the name of the place didn’t seem like a big deal.

“Fat Dragon”? Barnaby repeated in disbelief.

“Look, would you really expect me to take you to some place called Mama Babbaboozi’s where they serve you spaghetti with gold forks?”

Barnaby sighed. “Yea, I guess that wouldn’t be you.”

“Classy and I don’t mix, right?” Kotetsu asked in an attempt to get some sort of reaction out of Barnaby. Things were not starting as well as he had hoped.

“True.”

Kotetsu gave up for the moment, so they could just get in the place and get seated. He hoped like hell Barnaby wouldn’t recoil at the thought of raw fish. There were other things on the menu but Kotetsu was definitely going to have some raw fish and hell, octopus salad.

They were seated at a fairly private table in the back corner by a waitress who made eyes at Barnaby. Kotetsu would have glared at her if he thought she would even look at him. She didn’t of course and the two were left alone.

Kotetsu looked at Barnaby, his menu, and then Barnaby again. “So what do you want?”

“What the hell is saba?” was Barnaby’s reply. He didn’t seem annoyed though, more fascinated as he studied the back part of the menu where sushi and sashimi types were listed.

“Sa…oh. Haha!” Kotetsu grinned. “It’s mackerel. It’s delicious. But it’ll be raw.”

“I’ve had raw fish before. I had salmon and cream cheese in…something.”

Kotetsu nodded. “Any idea of what you want here?”

“Well,” Barnaby turned a little red,. “I’ve had the salmon but I don’t know what some of this stuff is.”

“You want to split a sushi boat with me? That might be a good introduction. You can get other cooked food on the side and all.”

“Sushi boat?”

Kotetsu leaned back and spread his arms out as if holding a box of some type. “It’s this big wood boat with a bunch of different sushi on it. Most with fish but there is octopus too and um, shrimp, crab - not everything is raw either, there might be smoked salmon.”

“I’m sold,” Barnaby said quietly. He set down his menu.

“We can also split a tiger roll order,” Kotetsu offered.

“Tiger roll?”

“It’s spicy. It has spicy mayonnaise, which is even better than the regular stuff!” And hell, that stuff is good! Kotetsu stared dreamily at the menu before closing it. “I’ll get some of that anyway, and you can try if you want.”

Barnaby nodded, and soon the waitress came by to take their order. They both had miso soup ordered, their sushi, and Barnaby had a teriyaki…something or other. Kotetsu wasn’t paying much attention.

He was again thinking about how the evening would go. Once the waitress left he stared at Barnaby, who stared back. When both of them started getting uncomfortable Kotetsu sipped his water and spoke. “So um, I know we just got here, but I hope you’re having a good time.”

“I am, actually. For a place called Fat Dragon-“ Oh, he was never going to let Kotetsu live that choice down “-it seems interesting. No one has ever really shown me anything much about sushi.”

That made Kotetsu feel proud of himself. “Well good! I’d love to show you more new things.”

“I’m sure.” Barnaby poked at the chopsticks that had been at the table since they got there, still in their paper and not separated into two yet. “Kotetsu, there’s something I really need to talk to you about.”

“This would be the time. What is it?” he asked, not sure if the feeling in his gut was fear or happiness.

“Earlier, you had said something about not knowing if you just loved my personality or the physical stuff. Anyway…maybe it was just an expression, just you talking, but the word love found its way in.”

“Oh.” Kotetsu swallowed.

“How deep does your crush run, Kotetsu? I need to know this.”

“I, ah, well…”

“Are you or are you not actually in love with me?”

Kotetsu felt hot all over, he felt beads of sweat forming on his forehead. There was no way to get out of answering it. “You see, Bunny, love is like a battleship-“

“KOTETSU!”

“Fine, fine!” He rubbed his own arm nervously. “Yes, I am. Okay? I don’t know how to help that,” he said, feeling defensive and scared.

“Hmm.” Barnaby studied him and then sipped at his own water, seconds before tea was placed in front of them. He thanked the waitress and poured himself a cup, still not really saying anything.

“I did something wrong, didn’t I?” Kotetsu asked, feeling weak.

“What? No!” Barnaby looked at him in surprise. “No, of course not. I just needed to know.”

“It doesn’t make you not want to be around me?”

“Kotetsu…” Exasperated, Barnaby sighed. “There is no crime in loving someone. It’s how you go about it that can be bad. You haven’t done anything to me.”

“I forced you on a date.”

“You didn’t force me. I could have said no. But I do like my time with you. And this is helping me a lot after today.”

“Yea?” Kotetsu brightened. “Really?”

Barnaby nodded. “Just because I’m asking you, I’m not in turn accusing you of anything. I just need to know where you stand.”

“And where do you stand?” Kotetsu asked quietly, reaching for his own tea.

“Not much has changed since this morning, or yesterday morning.”

“True.” He couldn’t expect Barnaby’s mind to change so fast he supposed. “Well I’ll work on that!”

Barnaby nodded. “You go right ahead and do that.”

Their sushi came after a bit of a wait, and Kotetsu fully enjoyed teaching Barnaby the different types and names. He liked his face eating mackerel sashimi, and had to laugh when he convinced him to have a tiger roll resulting in Barnaby draining almost all his water in one gulp. He taught Barnaby that wasabi was not to be used in excess and he showed him how to use the chopsticks effectively.

Overall, it was a delicious dinner and they enjoyed themselves. They emerged from the restaurant about an hour and a half after entering it, having played with their food just a liiiittle bit. It was great though.

Outside it was still warm and a little dark. Places were closing, but Kotetsu was going to stick to his earlier idea of just walking and finding something to do. He still wasn’t sure what though. “Anything you really want to do?” he asked Barnaby.

“No. Let’s walk for a while, we’ll find something.”

Kotetsu nodded and made sure to keep his pace even with Barnaby’s. He wanted to hold his hand, so badly. But Barnaby had made it VERY clear that he would not tolerate that. Mostly Kotetsu just looked ahead as he walked, though he glanced at Barnaby quite often.

Barnaby didn’t seem to notice or care, which was actually good. Kotetsu didn’t feel stupid that way. Still, he also was looking for somewhere to go.

And then he saw an ideal place. “Hey, hey!” he darted a short way down the street, to a brightly lit store squished between a café and a sports store.

Barnaby followed, and then groaned as Kotetsu pressed himself against the window to stare at several puppies in a cage. “Really?”

“Really! Come on!” He checked the door briefly for the time and saw they had about 45 minutes left. That was more than enough time! He hurried right into the store, which was small with only a handful of isles lined with animal beds, cat boxes, tanks decorations, and all that stuff. He went to the counter where a red headed girl with pigtails was texting away on her phone. “HEY!”

She jumped and fumbled with her phone, almost dropping it. “Yes?” she asked finally, giving him an irritated look.

“HEY do you have any bunnies!?”

She blinked. “Sure, end of aisle two. Two girls, Gretel and Juliet.”

Those names were kind of old. Kotetsu didn’t say that though. “Thanks! You’re a doll!” he declared and rushed off, though he stopped as Barnaby entered and grabbed his arm. “Follow me!”

“Um I have no choice!” Barnaby let himself be dragged to the back of the pet store.

When they got back there Kotetsu only saw mice and a couple of guinea pigs at first. Where were the bunnies!? Before he got too freaked out he saw them, in a nicely set up cage where people could look in from the top and even pet them. Their names were taped to the column behind the cage. “Here we are!”

“…Really?” Barnaby asked in disbelief, following Kotetsu over.

Both bunnies were short-haired, with ears also on the shorter side. They had big bright eyes that stood out. One was a white bunny with black patches, while other one was a tannish gold with tints here and there of light brown. Kotetsu liked them both.

He stuck his hand right in the cage and at first both bunnies scattered. “Hey!”

“You’re scaring them.” Barnaby reached in gently, slowly, and let the tan one sniff his fingers. Once she had calmed down and no longer seemed to deem him a threat, Barnaby pet her. He smiled as he did it, though Kotetsu would have been a little bothered if he didn’t. There was no denying it – bunnies were adorable!

Kotetsu imitated his actions with the little white one, and once she sniffed she actually stuck her head under his hand, asking for attention. Kotetsu gave her a little pet – and then she suddenly nipped his finger hard and bounced away. “OW! What the hell rabbit, what’s your issue!?”

“Shhhh, you’re yelling.” Barnaby was still focused on his bunny, who pawed at his wrist. Barnaby paused and then scooped her up gently. She seemed to like that, letting him cradle her as she nestled into his shirt. “Aw…”

“Cute, huh?” Kotetsu said, not trying again with the other one. He was enjoying Barnaby holding a bunny too much.

“Yea…” Barnaby kept looking at her.

Kotetsu took advantage of the distraction and took out his cell phone. He very sneakily aimed the camera on it right at Barnaby and snapped a picture.

At the sound Barnaby looked up sharply and frowned. “Hey!” He set the bunny back in her cage.

“Want a pet, Bunnnyyyy?” Kotetsu was only half teasing. If at the end of the night, Barnaby still said no, the irrational part of him said to get himself a pet bunny and try to be satisfied that way.

“You know I have no time. What a foolish idea,” Barnaby scolded him.

Kotetsu justed laughed and started to leave the bunnies. “Well, let’s go ahead and find something else to do.”

“Please,” Barnaby added, following him out of the store.

“You can’t tell me that wasn’t adorable.”

“I can’t, and I won’t, but a pet store isn’t a date spot.”

“Yea, yea. Okay. Onto the next!”

The next stop wasn’t too far away. They happened across a lively bar with an outside area, with umbrellas over the tables and bright lights surrounding the perimeter. As far as he knew, Barnaby wasn’t on anything for his injury that prevented him from having alcohol.

“Drinks?” Kotetsu asked Barnaby.

“You know what? Sure!”

Kotetsu didn’t really think he’d say yes, but it was a very pleasant surprise. They walked in, and then to the outside area five minutes later with their drinks in hand. Kotetsu had gotten…something. He asked for something strong, and when he was given his surprise drink he was also told where the bathrooms were if he needed to throw up. Barnaby ordered some sort of fruity thing but when he let Kotetsu have a sip he coughed a little – that one was strong too.

They sat down and talked, and not about their relationship status. Kotetsu loved it. Barnaby was telling him about some opera singer, and while Kotetsu wasn’t listening much, Barnaby’s excitement got to him. Kotetsu told him about one of his favorite Legend rescues, and they went back and forth with their stories. Each one got another drink, and then a third, a shot apiece, and then they had to stop because when Kotetsu stood up to go to the bathroom (NOT to puke) he managed to trip from their table to halfway through the indoor section of the bar.

Barnaby found that most impressive and actually clapped his hands.

They left right after, and Kotetsu was surprised to see it had gotten so late. It was nearly ten at night, and they both should sleep soon.

Regardless they took the longer way home, and Kotetsu found Barnaby was a very giggly drunk. He found everything funny. A car with one headlight out? That was apparently the peak of comedy right there because when Barnaby saw one he laughed for ten minutes and had to sit down on a nearby bench. He was holding his side so Kotetsu forced him to chill out.

He wasn’t exactly sober himself. Barnaby was still giggling a little as Kotetsu sat next to him. “Bunny, you’re funny….hey, I rhymed.” He laughed a little himself and leaned his head on Barnaby’s shoulder. He briefly closed his eyes and everything spun. He opened them back up real fast.

“Kotetsu…Kotetsu…Kotetsu…”

Kotetsu looked at Barnaby, who was looking at him very seriously. Kotetsu’s mind raced. Maybe Barnaby would make a move, say he liked him too. Or he would turn him down. Either way it had to be important.

Instead Barnaby laughed some more and leaned against Kotetsu.

Kotetsu joined him and wrapped an arm around him. They stayed like that for a little while, even as the laughter subsided.

It was Barnaby who had the presence of mind to get them moving again. He somehow managed to get to his feet and then helped Kotetsu to his. Kotetsu wobbled and latched onto Barnaby’s arm briefly to get balance. He let go, the back of his mind saying arm holding was the same as hand holding and no no no he didn’t want Barnaby to be mad.

All too soon they arrived back at his building, and both slowed down to a standstill. Barnaby whirled around way too fast to look at Kotetsu and nearly fell down. Kotetsu caught him. “Woah, woah,” he laughed. “Careful.”

“Kotetsu, our date is like…over.”

“I know.”

“Are you okay?” Barnaby sounded semi-sober as he asked that, staring at Kotetsu.

“Yes. But you know, we need to officially end the date.”

“Oh yea, how?” Barnaby asked, his eyes wide and head tilted and shit he looked so cute.

“Kissing! Or well, cheek kiss and a hug or if it was really bad a handshake,” he muttered.

“It wasn’t handshake level,” Barnaby assured him but laying his pointer finger on Kotetsu’s lips to silence him. Kotetsu stared at that finger while Barnaby continued. “But it wasn’t total kissing level either because I’m still not - I don’t…” That’s where Barnaby started to look troubled, as he tried to find the words but failed.

“Not into me still, eh? Well, it was just one date, we can-“

“No, no.” Barnaby shook his head and then frowned, reaching up to hold it with both hands. “Kotetsu, Kotetsu, I love you. But not in that way, you know, the flowers and forever way.”

“You mean as a friend.”

“Yes!”

“Do you think you could like me more than that?” Kotetsu asked.

“…” Barnaby hung his head as if ashamed.

“I see.”

“Sorry.” Barnaby said. “I’m really sorry. I’m so so sorry.”

“You don’t have to be sorry.” Kotetsu’s voice was shaky. He knew it, but was beyond trying to hide it, emotionally and alcohol-wise.

Barnaby looked up at him. “Yes I do. You’re sad.”

“You didn’t do anything,” Kotetsu said, covering up his eyes.

“I…”

“You know it’s true.” Kotetsu was very aware of his breathing, not wanting to break down right then and there. He didn’t even feel heartbroken; his chest felt hollow and empty.

“But it’s because of what I can’t do.”

“Don’t blame yourself. Can you get upstairs and inside on your own, Bunny?”

“Huh!? I can but why? Why are you asking that?” The alarm in his voice was clear.

“I’m going to walk a little longer. I need to.”

Barnaby was quiet. “You have pillows upstairs,” he saw awkwardly, referring to the stuff Kotetsu had brought to spend the night.

If he wasn’t so incredibly sad at that moment Kotetsu might have laughed. He uncovered his wet eyes at least. “They’ll still be there later.”

“Kotetsu I’m really sorry.”

“Bunny! Just go upstairs! I don’t think it’s a good idea for me to be around you for a couple of hours.” The whole night would have been better but he still refused to leave Barnaby on his own. That would be like abandoning him.

“Please don’t go.”

“Huh?”

“Are you going to leave me too?” Barnaby was smiling but it looked painful.

Kotetsu hadn’t thought Barnaby would feel that way. “No, no, Bunny. I’ll always be here for you. I just need some time for myself before I come up, okay?”

“You promise?”

Kotetsu studied his face. Barnaby looked genuinely scared. He wanted to hug him, but knew that would be a bad idea. “Of course I promise. You CAN get upstairs, right?”

Barnaby nodded. “I can, I can.”

“Good.” Kotetsu finally averted his gaze. “I’ll be back. I will. But I need some time,” Kotetsu told him.

Barnaby asked him once more in a quiet voice to stay, but Kotetsu walked away anyway. He felt horrible about it. If he didn’t though, he knew he’d actually feel worse.

 

“So, he turned me down completely. Hell, there isn’t even a chance. I asked him. I don’t even know what to do now, you know? It’s not like I can just distance myself from him. I told him I’d always be there and I mean it. I just have to wait for these feelings to fade. Yes, yes I do. He’s going through such a tough time, I can’t leave him! Yea, I’ll be okay. I think. Well, I’ll try anyway - It’ll get worse before it gets better, as they say. No, that’s not a dumb saying! Alright, call me when you get this.”

Kotetsu snapped his phone shut. He had a feeling Muramasa would not be awake, but he really wanted to talk to him. He couldn’t talk to just anyone.

He’d been out walking for quite a long time. Even most bars were shut down. It wasn’t a good time of night to be on the streets but he wasn’t afraid and didn’t really care. He had walked until he stopped crying, which meant he had gone pretty far. His head throbbed from the stress and from the alcohol. He had since sobered up.

He’d asked Tomoe numerous times what he should do. She never answered, and like always he didn’t expect her to. He felt so lonely without her. And she would never be back, again. He remembered how lonely he had felt the first few days she was gone.

Would he ever have someone at his side like that again?

Kotetsu didn’t like to go so far as to see himself forever alone, but he couldn’t help it that night, when it seemed more and more like a painful inevitability. The thought of never having anyone else to kiss, spoil, or yes, have sex with, left him feeling like there was not a future worth having. He hadn’t liked anyone at all since Tomoe, until Barnaby came along.

He was a little younger when Tomoe had died, and at present he was nearing forty. Who would want to start out romancing a forty year old man, anyway? Especially when he kept so withdrawn for fear of hurting anyone else.

When he had called Muramasa he had been near the bridge, near the place he first made contact with Barnaby. The place made him happy usually, from meeting him there to when Barnaby remembered him. But he felt none of that happiness as he stared out onto the water.

For a split second he considered jumping in.

That however would result in him letting someone down again. He would let down his family and Barnaby. He would let down everyone who might need him to rescue them, and for all of those people he had to keep going even if it hurt like hell.

He forced himself away from the water and decided to head back, unable to let his thoughts stop torturing him. He just had to hope that sleep set him right. He was emotional, felt totally broken, but he was also tired and he knew how that alone could make every thought more hopeless.

When he got to Barnaby’s apartment he was ready to collapse. He entered as quietly as he could, not wanting to wake Barnaby. He hoped he slept anyway. One thing caught his attention as he got in, and he froze.

The laptop was open. There was a light on. The screen was black, likely it was saving power, and the chair was empty. Kotetsu cursed under his breath – Barnaby had tried to remember things again, probably to distract himself. The date was supposed to accomplish that at least. Instead it made everything worse.

There was no changing that, though. He needed to sleep. Kotetsu went to get a drink of water first and foremost. His mouth was dry and had an absolutely horrible taste in it. He wanted that gone fast. He downed one cup of water and then another before he was satisfied.

He started to walk to the bathroom when he heard the sound of Barnaby’s bedroom door opening.

Kotetsu sighed and didn’t want to look. It was too awkward to look at Barnaby. But he kind of had to he realized, because Barnaby was approaching him.

When he came into sight, Barnaby looked horrible. He hadn’t even changed out of his clothes which was just not him. His eyes were red rimmed, glasses a mess, hair tangled up. He didn’t look good at all.

“Kotetsu?” he practically croaked out, winced, and then cleared his throat. “Kotetsu?” he asked again.

“Yes, Bunny?”

Barnaby stared at him before replying. “You’ve been gone a long time.”

“I have. Why aren’t you in bed?” He felt stiff, blank, and it probably was obvious in his voice. He couldn’t muster up the energy to even act like it was all okay.

“I was upset. I cried until I passed out, then I had a really awful nightmare, with a lot of blood and I woke up and you still weren’t back.”

“Go to bed.”

Barnaby ignored him and kept on. “I went to my computer to dig around again. I knew I’d get upset but I deserve it.”

“Huh?” Kotetsu’s jaw dropped. “Why on earth would you think that?”

“For making you sad. I don’t really deserve to feel good right now, I…” He trailed off. He’d made himself clear pretty quickly.

Kotetsu kind of wanted to slap him. That had never proved helpful in the past so he just walked up to Barnaby and grabbed him by his shoulders. “Do not punish yourself. And hell Bunny, don’t use your damn memories as a form of punishment! How is that supposed to get us…you, anywhere!?”

“I just thought-“

“You just thought, uh-huh.” Kotetsu looked him right in the eyes, even though Barnaby took his damn time meeting his gaze. “Don’t do it again.”

“I won’t.” Barnaby meant it too, Kotetsu could tell.

“Good. You have to go to bed now. And change out of those clothes.”

“But-”

“What?” Kotetsu let go of his shoulders, stressed by the pained look that remained on Barnaby’s face. “What now?”

“I still can’t sleep. I feel awful. And I know I’ll have another nightmare.”

“Well, I’ll sleep on the floor next to your bed. If you have any nightmares I’ll be right there.”

“That isn’t enough,” Barnaby said quietly.

“Don’t you have some sort of sleep medication? I’ll get you that and a glass of milk. I’ll get that for both of us, actually.” Barnaby looked at him but didn’t speak, merely tilting his head. “I don’t think I’ll sleep well either,” Kotetsu explained.

Barnaby nodded and dropped his gaze. “Sor-“

“Stop apologizing Bunny, just stop.” The apologizing had started to make him a little mad. It sure as hell didn’t change anything. He knew Barnaby felt genuinely bad and didn’t want to be reminded about it as far as their relationship was concerned. “Anyway, sleep medication?”

“I shouldn’t use that for nightmares. I use it when I’m just not tired. It’s not good to use it with nightmares. If I do that I should go to therapy too.” He scowled.

“Then what should we do? You need sleep.”

“…”

“Answer me, Barnaby.”

Barnaby looked up sharply at the use of his real name. “The only solution I have is awful, Kotetsu. It’d be terrible for you.”

“You’re scaring me.” He’d been doing that in the first place, but Kotetsu felt more on edge with each word. He was so tired, and so worked up, and everything was just an absolute mess. “Just tell me.”

“I slept better than I have in months last night when you stayed in the bed with me.”

“NOPE. Not doing it!” Kotetsu answered immediately. That would be a bad idea. If it was a mild torture the night before, it would be ten times worse following the night he’d just had. “No,” he repeated.

“Yea, okay. I know I have no right to ask.”

“Why would you even want to sleep with me when you have no interest in being with me?” It truly confused him.

“I feel safe with you.”

Kotetsu blinked.

“I’ve never felt secure with anyone before. I trusted Maverick, and Samantha, but I was never really okay. Don’t look so surprised, you knew that!”

Kotetsu hadn’t realized his eyes had gone so wide. “Sure, but I didn’t know how bad it was. You tried to keep me out of your life for quite a while, you know.”

“Of course I know.” Barnaby licked his lips and then made a face. “Regardless, as things are now no one makes me feel as safe and comfortable, both at the same time. It’s not, uh, romantic, but I would rather just be close to you.”

Kotetsu kind of wanted to cry again just because he could not for the life of him understand it. The way Barnaby spoke – was that not romantic love? He realized with a minor shock that perhaps it really was, but Barnaby had kept himself so isolated from friendships and the like that he had no chance of recognizing the feeling.

That was ridiculous. Everyone knew what love felt like. And they also knew when they didn’t feel it at all. It was a feeling that couldn’t be questioned because of how strong and firm and sometimes obsessive it could be. No, Barnaby would know love. It was unmistakable.

…Right?

Barnaby felt it, even if he claimed it was just in a friendly way. Maybe he was unaware of how far it had gone.

“Kotetsu? Hey, Kotetsu, answer me,” Barnaby said, reaching for his arm.

“Bunny I don’t understand any of this.”

“Neither do I.”

Obviously, Kotetsu added in his head. He was going to stand firm on not sleeping with him though. “I will be on the floor. You’ll be fine.”

Barnaby nodded slowly, his expression pretty lost. However he made no move to try and argue with Kotetsu.

 

The floor was less than comfortable, even with all the pillows. Kotetsu turned and turned and couldn’t find a way to sleep. He could hear Barnaby’s even breathing on the bed and that helped a little. He had heard him having trouble falling asleep, and it reached a bit of an alarming point.

Kotetsu pretended to be asleep when Barnaby tried to get his attention from the bed, calling his name softly. Barnaby’s voice shook, and his breathing was uneven. Kotetsu thought he might be crying but didn’t try to adjust to hear better. He didn’t want to give himself away.

Barnaby eventually fell asleep, Kotetsu didn’t, and he was getting more and more agitated each time he had to roll over and adjust. He wanted his own bed. Or he wanted a bed at Barnaby’s, either way he just wanted to get some sleep. Instead he would open his eyes every so often and see it was getting light outside.

He heard Barnaby make a soft sound and didn’t think much of it until Barnaby started asking for someone to stop. His voice was filled with fear, shaking like he was going to cry.

“Don’t. Leave him alone, please leave him alone! DON’T!” Then he yelled so loud he had to have woken himself up – Kotetsu heard the yell cut off sharply and deep breaths as Barnaby tried to get some control back. He made more small sounds that almost sounded like hiccups.

Kotetsu lay frozen. He knew he couldn’t claim to have slept through the nightmare but he didn’t know what to do. Barnaby was scared and upset and probably totally disoriented. Kotetsu couldn’t comfort him because he didn’t know what message it would send or how upset it might make him. Things were too awkward.

Did they really have to be?

How had they even gotten to that point? Their bond had been so strong before Barnaby knew his feelings, and it had tried to remain so afterwards. Kotetsu loved Barnaby. Barnaby loved him, even if in a different way. There was no good reason for their relationship to be strained and sad.

Not comforting Barnaby made him very sad.

Kotetsu sat up and looked right at Barnaby, who was squinting in his direction. “Bunny?”

“Ko-Kotetsu? You’re awake?”

‘Uh-huh.” He stood up from his bed on the floor, wobbling a little since he was so tired. It had to be one of the longest nights of his life. He took a whole two steps to actually reach Barnaby’s bed. “Move over.”

“But I thought you said no.”

“Yea. I was being a dumbass. Don’t be surprised, you should expect this from me by now,” he half-joked.

“Why?”

“Because I care about you, and it’s downright stupid not to do this for you.” Separate, both of them hurt. Together, it was only Kotetsu and he found himself okay with that at the moment. He felt strangely refreshed by his thoughts and figuring out how everything would play out.

He gathered a speechless Barnaby into his arms as he had done waking up the previous morning. “Sleep now,” he told him, closing his own eyes again and feeling instantly more relaxed.

It was not long before both of them drifted off into a comfortable sleep for each.

---

Kotetsu woke up to his cell phone. He was alone in the bed, the spot next to him still warm. He felt a little dizzy, his head heavy and sore from his little half-drunk emotional rollercoaster that preceded no sleep until he crawled in with Barnaby.

He answered the phone and at first his voice didn’t even come out. He tried again and croaked out, “Hello?”

“Kotetsu. Are you okay?”

It was his brother. “Yea. I’m alright.”

“I got your message last night, are you sure?”

“I, well, I’m kind of sure.” He couldn’t say he knew he was okay, because he sure as hell didn’t.

“Did something happen since you left me that message?”

Kotetsu laughed nervously, and thought about lying. Muramasa would catch him too fast though. He had to tell the truth. He knew that. He started with the bridge, and ended waking up with Barnaby already out of bed.

“So you went from trying to find a reason to live to just getting yourself right back into a painful position? Come on Kotetsu, you do strange things but I know you’re smarter than this. You can’t play Barnaby’s little game.”

“Game?”

“You ever think maybe he’s taking advantage of your giving nature? He knows how you put everyone before yourself in an effort to bury your problems.”

“Do not talk about him like that.” Kotetsu sat up straight in the bed. “Bunny would never do that.”

“Wouldn’t he? Kotetsu, he might not even know that what he’s doing is wrong.”

“He hasn’t done anything wrong!”

“Are you happy? I mean, genuinely happy with how things are right now?”

“No.” Kotetsu cringed at his answer.

“You need to do what’s best for you.”

“I know you’re trying to look out for me,” Kotetsu said, “But I’ll handle this. I know Bunny. I’m the only one that really does. He needs me even if he doesn’t really know how much or why.”

Muramasa sighed. “I think you need to get your priorities straight.”

“How aren’t they? Bunny being happy makes me feel better. Isn’t that what you want?”

The silence on the other end of the phone told him Muramasa wasn’t sure how to answer that. Either way was a lose for him. “I want you to do what’s best for you.”

“That’s what I’m doing.” He was trying in a way.

“Kotetsu, I’m worried about you.”

“What else is new?” Everyone worried about him when he wasn’t acting out as much as usual. “I just want you to listen sometimes, but don’t try to tell me what to do.”

“That’s impossible for me.”

Kotetsu heard the sound of Barnaby approaching. He didn’t want his conversation overheard, and he wanted to be free just for Bunny. “Make it possible. Look, I have to go.”

“Why?”

“I just have to go. I’m hanging up. I’ll call soon.” The door opened. “Bye,” Kotetsu said quietly into the phone and hung up before Muramasa could protest.

Barnaby’s hair was damp from a shower, and he was shirtless in a pair of shorts. He looked normal enough, but as he wandered to the bed Kotetsu could tell something was wrong. He looked like he was in a daze, which was creepier than when he freaked out.

“Bunny?”

“I saw someone killed. Killed, right in front of me. Someone I knew.”

“What, just now? Where!?” Kotetsu pushed back the blanket, ready to spring up.

“No, not now, not today.”

“Then what are you talking about?” Kotetsu asked, confused.

Barnaby sat on the edge of the bed and stared at his lap. “I remember what happened in the hospital years ago.”

---

Barnaby had been ready to tell Kotetsu everything right there in the bedroom, but on further inspection it was obvious he was in no shape to just stand there and start talking. When Barnaby came closer Kotetsu could tell he was feeling sick again and a hand to the forehead told him he had a fever.

The first thing Kotetsu wanted him to do was get back in bed while he called someone but Barnaby objected. He felt like hell but still had a burst of energy from information flooding him. Kotetsu was just glad it hadn’t hit him so hard he passed out, as had happened before.

Kotetsu managed to get Barnaby to lean back in his chair at the very least and brought him a tall glass of apple juice. Barnaby shivered and said it was too cold and would make his head hurt more, but Kotetsu told him he needed to drink it before he started talking.

Barnaby only made it halfway through the glass and Kotetsu relented, placing it on the table next to the chair. He stood close to the chair, reaching with one hand to massage the back of Barnaby’s neck. It seemed to help and Barnaby relaxed a little.

“Kotetsu I’m so tired,” he commented. “Won’t you let me tell you what happened now?”

“This has been a bit torturous, huh? I needed to make sure you were okay. You can tell me now though.” He really had been eager to know but Kotetsu had to make sure he was alright Barnaby needed to be alright. Panic still lurked at the back of his mind and Kotetsu wanted so badly to bring him to the hospital but there was still that memory in their way.

“I saw someone die.”

“You said that. Who was it? How?” He rubbed his neck seconds longer before his fingertips began to work themselves into the back of Barnaby’s head, gently digging and caressing.

Barnaby closed his eyes. “Maverick always said he was the only one left to take care of me. I never questioned that in front of him and I don’t know why. I suppose he must have erased my thoughts or twisted them. And even if I had relatives, he was the closest person to my parents. Who would know me better than him, and be better equipped to care for me? I’m a NEXT too, and it’s possibly any relatives I had found that out and stayed the hell away. That was still a bad time for us, I think.”

Kotetsu nodded. He remembered that. It hadn’t been quite as bad as when he was a child but people were always prejudiced against NEXTs. HeroTV was supposed to change that. Maverick was supposed to change that, but he became so warped in his quest that Kotetsu didn’t like to see the positive effects his efforts had brought about.

He preferred to attribute that to the heroes themselves.

Barnaby opened his eyes back up. “I thought, mostly, that it was the second thing, that nobody wanted me.”

“Bunny, no,” Kotetsu said quietly. He gently played with Barnaby’s hair, still damp and trying to curl right back up regardless.

“I wish I could say now that I know it was a stupid thing to think. But sometimes I still wonder where they all are, or were.” Barnaby shivered. “I’m cold, can I have a blanket?”

“No, you’ve got a fever. I need to keep you cooled off. Besides, once you get under the blanket you’ll feel too hot and want it gone.”

Barnaby glared at him. “I suppose.” Then he sighed. “Someone did come for me.”

Kotetsu paused, his hand still in Barnaby’s hair. “Eh?”

“I’m still unsure of what happened, I think maybe it was just a car accident, something mundane like that…though I still remember Maverick being involved. Anyway, she showed up after I landed in the hospital for the blood transfusion. She said something about wanting custody of me. Her name was Holly, I think.”

“And what was her relation to you?” He continued fondling his hair again briefly before touching Barnaby’s upper arm. “Give me your arm,” he demanded and Barnaby didn’t protest as Kotetsu leaned over him slightly, rubbing his arm slowly with light squeezes.

“Aunt. Aunt Holly. I don’t remember if she was on Mom or Dad’s side. I just know she came to see me, and I was so happy to know I had family left, actual family I was related to. I had to stay overnight and she stayed with me in the room as late as she could. She told me about her house. She lived well outside Sternbild and kept horses. She had a palamino named Artex she thought I would like- I really can’t have a blanket?”

“Just keep going Bunny.” Kotetsu continued with his gentle touches along Barnaby’s arm before taking just his hand and rubbing the palm with his thumb.

“I’m tired.”

“Keep going.”

Barnaby watched Kotetsu giving him the hand massage for a second. “Well anyway, she wanted to take me. I agreed. I talked to Maverick and said I would visit. He said it was okay. There was just, you know, legal stuff. I didn’t really know what that entailed but I figured it would happen soon and I would be out of Sternbild and I would learn to ride a horse. I’d never gotten to touch a horse.”

“You like horses?” Kotetsu asked. He noticed Barnaby had gone pale and he was probably close to a panic attack on top of how bad he was doing already.

“Yes. Or at least I think I do. I like how they look. Anyway she left that night I was in there, I fell asleep, and she came in early the next morning. She wasn’t alone.”

His breathing quickened again. Kotetsu shifted to the other side of the chair to work on Barnaby’s other arm. “Keep going,” he said yet again.

“Some guys came in with her. They had on black clothes, black gloves, sunglasses, everything. She started to say she couldn’t take me after all. But then she got angry. There was an argument. Someone hit her.” Barnaby swallowed. “She tried to fight back, but they beat her. They thought it was funny. Being that it was a hospital, they had tools at their disposal to really hurt her, and they did strange things.”

Kotetsu imagined it and immediately tried to push the scenario out of his mind. He was unfortunately familiar with some pretty awful methods of torture, from reading about them to getting someone out of a bad situation. He knew of crazies who liked to perform ‘operations’, and watch people suffer as they cut or removed parts of the body.

It made him ill, and from the looks of it Barnaby was sick too. “I get the picture. You saw that then?” He kept his grip on Barnaby controlled, and gentle as the blonde rocked slightly.

“I’m tired. I’m cold. They cut her up really bad.”

“Stay with me here. And…no one found this out?”

“You know Maverick can control memories. And city officials trusted him. In addition to that, he has Ouroboros. Who knows what strings they pull throughout the city, everything from businesses to murder including the two combined? And they likely had mental powers, at least a couple of them have to just by probabil-bili-bility.”

Barnaby began to retreat into himself then, having trouble speaking and staying conscious. Kotetsu put his arm down and started to touch his shoulder again. He stopped though, and instead kneeled down next to Barnaby. He knew it was far from ideal to check on his injury during a panic attack but the worry gnawed at him.

There was a bandage still covering the sting, but Kotetsu’s eyes went wide as he realized that there were small red lines starting to come from around it. It had become badly infected.

Kotetsu shook right along with Barnaby and straightened himself up. He took one breath, then another, and focused enough to try and soothe Barnaby. He couldn’t actually carry him somewhere while he was freaking out. “Bunny Bunny it’s okay, I’m here. Please calm down Bunny. That memory will not be repeated,” he said along with other assorted phrases meant to be calming.

“N-no, it’s still there,” Barnaby claimed and held his head in his hands. “No one wanted me.”

Kotetsu was shocked to hear those words. “Huh!?” Hadn’t they just established that wasn’t true? Though if Barnaby had spent so long thinking that, as muddled as all his memories were Kotetsu could see that idea remaining and going out of control. “Bunny, hey, that’s not true.”

“No one, Maverick said because I was a NEXT – he told the truth didn’t he?”

“Of course not.” Kotetsu studied Barnaby rocking in front of him. He reached for him and placed a finger under his chin. “Look at me.”

“Why? Why? Are you going to leave again?”

Kotetsu bit back the urge to tell him he never left in the first place. He knew Barnaby would feel stupid enough later. “No.” Barnaby turned his head with Kotetsu’s finger to guide it. “I’m not going anywhere. I love you Bunny. Remember that, I love you.”

Barnaby still shook though his breathing still evened out. He remained quiet for a long couple of minutes, and Kotetsu never shifted his position. When Barnaby did speak, all he asked was, “Why?”

“Why what?” Kotetsu asked, caught off guard.

“Why do you love me?” Barnaby asked, but it seemed he was not going to be sticking around for an answer. His eyes closed then and he went limp in the chair.

Kotetsu wasted no time in scooping him up and getting the hell out of the apartment.

-----

 

He was terrified on his way to the hospital that his powers would go out. It would be the time they would stop working earlier than ever, wouldn’t it? But either he got lucky or they lasted longer than he thought, because he made it – for the most part.

Kotetsu was in the hospital driveway when his powers ran out and he nearly tripped, dropping his precious cargo. He did stumble but stayed on his feet. Barnaby was heavy, heavier than he thought. He’d never princess carried him before, and Kotetsu couldn’t help but think it was a really good thing Barnaby was unconscious. He probably would have punched Kotetsu for ‘princessing him’.

He might have smiled if he wasn’t concentrating so much on trying to carry Barnaby inside.

Some other people saw him soon enough and they rushed to help. A couple of people, folks who didn’t work at the hospital from what he could tell, stood on either side of Kotetsu to steady him while the receptionist saw them through the glass doors. She got up and rushed off, only to return very soon with a person Kotetsu was sure was a doctor. He was wearing a white coat and looked important.

Kotetsu was reluctant to hand off Barnaby but he knew he had to. A stretcher was brought out to the hospital lobby and after reassurances that he could follow momentarily, Kotetsu let them take Barnaby. He himself was urged to sit down in the waiting room.

That’s exactly what he did though he didn’t like it, he didn’t like it one bit. All he felt was worry. It was very real that Barnaby might not be okay, and he had to realize that. He didn’t know what the hell that NEXT with the scorpion tail did to him and he didn’t understand why Barnaby had not used his powers to aid in healing.

There was a bigger chance Barnaby would be fine, Kotetsu told himself, and he tried to direct his thoughts that way. He had something to think about anyway. Kotetsu wasn’t a very eloquent person, and the time was good in that he could put his thoughts together a little even while panicking and trying to ignore the whispers he heard about ‘Barnaby Brooks Jr., injured!’.

When Barnaby woke up Kotetsu planned to answer his question and lay down exactly why he loved him.

 

The receptionist sighed with irritation as Kotetsu requested yet more paper. He’d been in the waiting room a couple of hours despite the fact he was told he could see Barnaby ‘momentarily’. He would have been angry, and he was worried, but he was writing down his words and that filled the time.

He didn’t know how to express himself without sounding like a six year old. Barnaby was sweet and brave and smart and pretty and all of that sounded like something from a children’s movie. It was true, but it was also so much more. He had no idea how to convey it, even if he had done so years ago for Tomoe.

Writing helped. It helped a lot, son he could cross out the dumb words and replace them less dumb ones. Some of his pages became illedgible and with others he had gotten frustrated and drawn a bunch of stupid little bunnies in the corners. Most of his attempts turned out like that, until Kotetsu actually got a clue.

He was going to write another letter.

It wasn’t that he was nervous to talk to Barnaby about his emotions, though he wasn’t completely comfortable with it either. With a letter he wouldn’t be stumbling over his words, saying things backwards and laughing nervously – okay, he was nervous. He would be able to say what he wanted to say much clearer and more honestly if he simply wrote it.

He was nearly finished with his letter when his phone rang. He expected it to be his brother, but it was his mom. He sighed and answered, knowing he couldn’t just ignore her. “Hi, Mom.”

“What have you been doing!?”

Not expecting that, he hesitated on answering. “Um, what?”

“I haven’t seen you or Barnaby on the tv. I wasn’t sure what was going on, but your brother assured me you were okay. But now there’s something about Barnaby being hurt?”

The fucking media had gotten their claws into the story. Kotetsu was not happy about that. “Yes. He got hurt on the show some days ago. I’ve been looking after him but today he needed the hospital. It’s as simple as that, okay?”

“No it’s not. You’re not his nurse, why aren’t you working?”

Kotetsu bristled, though he knew she was only worried about him. He imagined her thoughts were similar to Muramasa’s – Barnaby taking advantage of Kotetsu for help and comfort. “I’m his friend.”

“JUST his friend?” she questioned.

“Mom, come on.”

“No, you come on. This is important. You aren’t working because of this boy, and you do know anyone you get yourself wrapped up with will affect your daughter too. You don’t think these things through Kotetsu!” Her tone was soft enough, but she was still giving him a harsh lecture.

“I do! Kaede really likes Bunny. And besides, we aren’t even together yet!”

“Yet?”

“Uh, that is, we aren’t together. Look, I don’t know what Muramasa –“

“I know my son well enough to tell when he’s acting smitten a second time around. Your brother did not spill the details of your relationship.”

“Well anyway, we aren’t. But I’d like us to be, okay? More than anything, I want us to be.” He sighed. He should have felt more stressed essentially coming out to his mother, but he found himself beyond caring after the events of past couple of days.

His mother sighed too. “That’s fine. But you need to watch out for yourself. Do not dedicate every part of your life to Barnaby. You can’t afford to, with your own health and Kaede. And this bothers me Kotetsu, you can take days off from work to hang around Barnaby, but not come see your daughter?”

“Mom, it’s not like that! Bunny hasn’t been doing well. He’s been really sick. He’s been having more nightmares and panic attacks since he’s discovered more about his memories. I can’t abandon him, Mom, I can’t. You know I love Kaede.” He missed her terribly, actually. “She’s not the one who needs my help so desperately right now.”

“Your daughter always needs you.”

“You go tell Kaede how badly Barnaby is doing. Come on, go tell her,” Kotetsu said, unable to bite back some anger. “She’d want me to stay with him. Kaede would never tell me that if I have time to spend with Barnaby, I should use it for her instead. If he were doing just fine? Of course I would find time to come home! But that’s not the case.”

“You really think she would feel that way?”

“Positive.” Kotetsu may not spend as much time with her as he wanted, and he didn’t know Kaede through and through, but he knew she would feel awful taking him away from, at the very least, a very ill friend. She would feel bad guilting him about it too. Kaede had stopped giving him a lot of trouble a long time ago, and she did visit him in the city sometimes. Their relationship was no longer as strained.

“Well, fine then.” She still did not sound happy. “But you still need to pay attention to your priorities, and don’t push things with Barnaby.”

“I’m not!”

“You might not notice that you are, Kotetsu. Sometimes I think you don’t even notice the aftermath of your more emotionally charged choices.”

He frowned. “I’m not pushing. I’m hopeful but I’m not pushing.”

“Good. I’ll believe you, I suppose.”

“Good.”

“I guess I’m done for now, but you think about what I said.”

“I will!” He was agitated by then, staring at the unfinished letter and thinking about whether or not Barnaby was okay. “Look, I need to go, okay?”

“Sure.” She totally didn’t believe him. “Bye.”

“Bye.” Kotetsu hung up and looked at his phone, his thoughts jumping between Kaede and Tomoe. They were two people he had failed in life, though he was doing better with Kaede. Was it right to bring in Barnaby, a third person, and fail with him too? Perhaps he already had.

“Kotetsu Kaburagi?” A female voice interrupted his thoughts.

“That’s me! What is it?” he asked, turning to face a young, pretty nurse with jet black hair and a nervous look. He wondered if he should be nervous or if she was just like that.

“You may come visit Barnaby now. He’s awake.”

Kotetsu clutched the paper in his hand, straightened up, and followed her. His heart raced as he wondered what Barnaby would be like after explaining that memory.

 

He couldn’t help but think that Barnaby looked so small in that hospital gown. Overall he looked okay, but the hospital gown was just wrong on him.

Kotetsu did not like seeing him like that, and it wasn’t purely because of Tomoe. He didn’t want to see anyone he cared about in a hospital bed. Barnaby always seemed so strong, and seeing him there made him wonder if he was in a nightmare.

He clutched the paper in his hand, unsure of what to do with it. Talking to his mom made him wonder if trying to win his Bunny’s heart was really the right thing to do. The guy had enough to worry about, like staying warm in that chilly and depressing hospital room.

It really was cold.

As he sat in the chair next to the bed Kotetsu felt his head swimming. Barnaby was sitting upright and giving him a confused look, no doubt because he hadn’t said anything since entering the room. “Hi,” he finally said.

“Hi,” Barnaby repeated, studying him.

“So you’re feeling better?” He felt awkward.

“Well yes, feeling anyway.” He nodded to his arm where he had an IV needle in. “I’ll be okay, they managed to stop it before it got too nasty.” His voice seemed a little weak.

Kotetsu breathed a sigh of relief. “Good! Good, good, I was worried.” He knew that was the obvious statement of the century. “How long do you need to be here?”

“I don’t know. They want me to see a psychologist, and I don’t want that. My memory issue isn’t really something they can deal with.”

“Maybe they can. People block traumatic memories often, or miss them for other reasons. It might be worth going, Bunny.”

“You know I don’t trust people. I can’t just spit this stuff out.” He looked at his hands. “But I trust you. And I feel better just talking about it all to you.”

“Bunny…” He was touched. But again, he needed to keep things realistic. “You know I will do what I can to help. I’ll do anything. But I also don’t know the best ways of dealing with this.”

“Don’t you?”

“Huh?”

Barnaby looked at him. “You know how to calm me during my panic attacks. You always listen to me. You put up with me when I’m irrational.”

“I wouldn’t say that.”

“Okay, well you still haven’t left me in the dust, even if we have our arguments.” Barnaby smiled.

Kotetsu just blushed. “I’m still not a professional,” he muttered.

“I don’t think I need a professional, Kotetsu. I’d rather sort these things out with someone I care about.”

“Ah.” Kotetsu swallowed and looked at the floor. Everything was so confusing! One minute he was thinking he was probably not the best thing for Barnaby, with his own failings in life, and the next he was being told just how important he was.

“What’s that?”

Kotetsu looked up to see Barnaby pointing at the paper. He nearly tried to throw it across the room in reaction, not that paper flew very far. “Oh, nothing! Just some notes!”

Much to his dismay Barnaby reached for the paper. “You’re not telling me the truth.”

Kotetsu held it out of reach while Barnaby glared. “Maybe not, but it’s really not anything you want to read!”

“Why do you care so much if I do?”

“It just won’t go well, okay?” He couldn’t have Barnaby read that sappy mess while he was probably a bit unstable in the head still. Kotetsu instantly felt bad about that, Barnaby wasn’t some sort of psycho.

“Please?”

“I don’t know about this.” It was in answer to Barnaby’s question earlier, so he supposed he really should just give the letter to him. But it wasn’t even done.

“What are you afraid of?” Barnaby asked, his tone gentle but he looked downright irritated.

That was a good question. He’d already been rejected, so what could really happen? It wasn’t an optimistic thought really, but it helped in a crappy way. “It really is unfinished.”

“That’s fine.”

Kotetsu handed him the paper, and as soon as Barnaby had it he let go and pulled his hat down over his eyes. He really wanted to be somewhere else right at that moment.

“Dear Bunny,” Barnaby read softly, and went silent. Kotetsu ‘read’ the words he had written in his head, maybe even in unison with Barnaby he thought.

Dear Bunny,

Earlier you asked me why I love you. I didn’t know how to answer, and I still don’t, but I should say something instead of just giving you a vague sappy line.

You’ve changed my life so much. Before you I felt alone and didn’t feel I had much to look forward to. Then you came along and pissed me off. No one else could quite get to me like you do. You still aren’t afraid to scold me. But you’re sweet too. You’ve helped me keep my chin up so many times. You’ve made me see that even if you don’t return my feelings, I’ll always have companionship.

You’ve changed everything and I would be lost without you.

I love your looks, I love your warmth, I love your heart. I love everything.

Also, there’s a humming sound coming from down the hall, it’s making it hard to think. The receptionist is ignoring me now too.

Kotetsu had no idea how much time had passed. He didn’t really care. As far as he was concerned he could just stay with his hat down and not look at anyone or answer any questions or have to deal with the aftermath of any love letters.

“What did you do to piss the receptionist off?”

Not expecting that reaction, Kotetsu looked up in surprise. Barnaby’s cheeks were a dark pink. “Ah, I kept asking for paper because I kept writing it wrong.”

“This is the final draft?”

“Pretty much.” With the exception of the ending, he was sure he’d gotten his words the way he wanted.

Barnaby looked back at the letter and placed it carefully in his lap. “I’d be lost without you too.”

“Is that so?” Kotetsu had no idea what to say. He really didn’t.

Barnaby nodded. “No one has ever said such things to me before, or should I say, no one’s ever written them.”

“I’m pretty sure your fanmail has consisted of nothing but heartfelt confessions.”

A smile tugged at the corner of Barnaby’s mouth. “That’s different.”

“Yea, it is.”

Silence hung between them again, though it felt almost comfortable. Kotetsu felt his anxiety decreasing. When Barnaby did move, he reached for Kotetsu’s arm. Kotetsu didn’t resist, letting Barnaby’s fingers trace down it and take his hand, resting both on the edge of the bed.

Kotetsu looked at him, hope trying to rise. Who the hell just took someone’s hand like that if they weren’t feeling all romantic and stuff!? “Bunny?”

“Kotetsu? Please don’t get upset at what I’m going to ask.”

He could have sworn his heart stopped. If Barnaby thought he was going to be upset, it couldn’t be good. So Kotetsu just stared.

“It’s nothing bad. I mean, I don’t want you to take it that way.”

“Just spit it out Bunny, if you’re going to make an old man cry please don’t drag it out.” He felt a little numb.

“I don’t think you’ll cry. I – I need to ask you if you can go for now.”

“Why?” That did upset him, quite a bit.

“I have some things to think about, so I should probably be alone. I know, I know, being alone doesn’t really work out well for me lately, but I need it.” He squeezed Kotetsu’s hand.

“I see.” He could understand that. “But what if you have a panic attack or nightmare and I’m not here?”

Barnaby actually laughed a little. “Maybe I don’t look it, but I’m also pretty drugged up right now.”

“Really?” Kotetsu studied him. “You’ve been acting fine, even if your voice is a bit thin.”

“Sure I have, because nothing hurts and they’ve made sure I’m calm. I’m sure I’ll sleep again soon, and I want some time to sort out my thoughts.”

“How would that even work, while you’re drugged up?”

“It just will. I might forget some stuff when I wake up, but that’s why I have this.” He touched the letter with his free hand. “I’m keeping this. I want to read it again. Thank you for giving it to me.”

Kotetsu nodded. “You’re welcome?” He didn’t know how to respond.

“Come back and see me later? Maybe this evening, or best tomorrow morning since I could be asleep.”

“It’s hard to wait that long.”

“It is for the best,” Barnaby assured him and squeezed his hand once more before letting go.

“Then, I’ll go. I don’t like it, but I’ll go. Uh, my phone will be on.” Kotetsu stood up and straightened, still a little dazed from their interaction.

“Okay.” Barnaby sank down onto the bed. “It’ll be okay Kotetsu.”

He almost asked him to define ‘okay’, but he just nodded again. “Sure.”

“I promise, it will be.”

“Sure.”

---

There was no stopping it. Kotetsu was going to a bar that night, because if he just went home alone he was going to lose his mind.

He was the person that understood Barnaby most, and yet he didn’t get his behavior at all. He was so confusing, and it had Kotetsu once again drifting from the alcohol-free path he had tried to stick to. At least, he tried not to drink upset. When he’d been on the date with Barnaby he was happy.

He called Antonio, knowing his friend wouldn’t turn him down. Antonio tried to get him out for drinks a lot in the past before just giving up. Kotetsu needed his company that night, just a friend to drunkenly complain to.

They probably shouldn’t have chosen a somewhat classy bar, because Karina was there singing and Kotetsu was suddenly very aware of himself. She was a kid, and did not need to see him getting hammered! His efforts were in vain as Antonio bought him some shots of straight-up vodka. The taste was disgusting as always, but it was worth it for his mind to go somewhere else.

“So, Kotetsu, maybe you’ll answer me this time. Why did you invite me out?” Antonio asked, bumping one of his full shot glasses against one of Kotetsu’s empty ones. “We haven’t been to a bar together in a while.”

“Trying not to think about stuff,” Kotetsu responded, even though he was only thinking about his Barnaby issues.

“What stuff? You’ve been elusive lately.” Antonio still held his shot, not paying it much attention.

“Just life stuff!”

“It has to do with you and Barnaby, right?” Antonio asked.

“Yes.” He didn’t know if it was the liquor or if he just didn’t feel like hiding things. “Yes, it does, Barnaby’s in the hospital and I can’t see him because he asked me to leave for a little while.”

Antonio blinked. “Why would he ask you to leave? Were you guys fighting?”

“Why does everyone ask that? No, we were not fighting. He just had to think. HEY can I have another?” He yelled across the bar and held out his shot glass, attracting the attention of several annoyed patrons.

The bartender shushed him and poured him another shot. He thought he heard a pause in the piano Karina was playing at the moment, but maybe that was just the alcohol.

“Don’t play dumb with me,” Kotetsu said suddenly and looked at Antonio. “You all knew.”

“Knew what?” Antonio asked, frustrated.

“That there was something going on between Bunny and I. Although you’re all off, it’s only me.”

Antonio pushed his own shot glass around with one finger. “You’re right, we did know. Or thought so, what do you mean it’s only you?”

“Bunny doesn’t love me,” Kotetsu said dejectly and took his shot and coughed.

“Kotetsu, come on.”

Still coughing, Kotetsu shrugged. “Only as a friend.”

“Oh.” Antonio drank his shot finally and stared at the table. “I didn’t see that coming.”

Kotetsu didn’t say anything, thinking about what he should order next. He didn’t even consider not drinking more, because it was the only thing helping him. Antonio helped on some level, but not as much as getting drunk.

“Well buddy I honestly don’t know what to say. But I’m here to listen.” Antonio gave him a borderline painful thump on the back.

“Cool. Hey, I need a Sternbild Ice Tea,” he told the bartender. Surely that would knock him on his ass, in a good way.

“Should he be drinking?” came a female voice. It was only then Kotetsu actually noticed Karina was not singing. He turned to look at her and she continued. “You look miserable, Tiger. Is this a good idea?” she asked, looking at Antonio then.

“Best thing for him right now, because if he’s not out here with me he’d be moping at home.” Antonio did look worried then though.

“I don’t feel like being alone,” Kotetsu informed them, watching his drink being made. If he had to go home and be sober and alone he was unsure of how to make it through the night. Barnaby was his usual lifeline, and he was without him.

“I still don’t see why you need to drink.” Karina took a seat on the bar stool next to him. “Barnaby didn’t like your letter?”

“Huh?” He had temporarily forgotten it was because of Karina that he ever wrote a letter to being with. “Oh. He liked it, we got back to talking again. We’re not fighting, he’s just trying to find the nicest way to let me down.” Upon saying it, he was convinced it was the truth.

“Oh. Sorry.” Karina sighed. “I don’t know what else to tell you.”

Kotetsu regained enough frame of mind to turn and pat her gently on the head. “It’s alright. You tried to help, and actually, you did. Things just took a bad turn.” His drink was placed in front of him, and he asked for a straw. It would help him drink faster.

“All we can do is listen,” Antonio told him. “I really don’t have any romance advice for you, let alone for another guy.”

“It’ll get better Tiger, it really will,” Karina added in.

“Oh, how’s that older guy working out?” Kotetsu asked, remembering the conversation they’d had the night of the letter. He took a long sip through the straw.

“Huh!?” Karina seemed caught off guard. “Oh. OH, that guy. I’ll never get him, but I’ll survive. So will you.” She seemed to be having trouble looking at him, even blushing.

Kotetsu understood, it had to be awkward consoling a drunk guy. “Maybe. Ugh, this is all such a mess. Not only does everyone know I’m bi, er, bicycle by now, but now I’m the loser who got rejected. Why did I think that Barnaby of all people would be interested?”

Antonio chuckled a little, earning a sour look from Kotetsu. “Sorry! Sorry,” he immediately apologized, “It’s just that- I’m pretty sure you meant ‘bisexual’.”

“Well what’d I say?” Kotetsu was confused.

“Bicycle.” Antonio ordered some water. He was probably going to make Kotetsu drink it.

He wasn’t going to. “Whatever.”

“Why wouldn’t you think Barnaby would be interested?” Karina asked.

He really had hoped she’d just walk away, not because he didn’t trust her, but still because he thought she shouldn’t have to see him like that. “I’m a washed up hero losing his powers pining after the young hotshot. What part of that doesn’t sound pathetic to you?” he snapped, and realized it immediately. “Sorry. I’m just upset.”

“Clearly,” snorted Antonio.

That irritated him. “Look, you can either listen like you said or make shitty remarks!” He turned to Antonio then, a little delayed. “You think this is easy to deal with?”

“No, but-“

“I already lost Tomoe. You knew her, you knew how amazing she was. I’ve been alone since her. Until Bunny came along, and for some reason he just completed everything, how can we not be together like that?” He’d started his drunk crying, but he was past being embarrassed as he did himself a favor sucking on the straw briefly. “I don’t get it! I really don’t get it! It’s like the universe is just waving something in front of my face by now, taunting me until I accept that I’m just going to be alone. After Tomoe and now Bunny, I don’t know if I can handle it! I was doing okay I guess for a while, as far as a relationship, but now I just want someone to be with, kiss and take to movies and all that stupid sappy shit. I just want Bunny. Why doesn’t he want me? I don’t think I want to know the answer. I would do anything for him. I’m so in love with him. Why doesn’t he want me?” he repeated, folding his arms on the bar and burying his head in them, trying to stop sobbing but he failed.

“Oh hell,” Antonio grumbled next to him.

“Um, I don’t know how to handle this,” Karina followed, her voice worried.

“The only thing we can really do is let him cry it out and not get him anymore drinks.”

“Right. You better take this.” Kotetsu heard the soft clink of ice against a glass and guessed that Karina had handed off what was left of his ice tea. He didn’t care. He also heard the bartender ask if he should cut him off, to which Antonio immediately responded yes.

Everything looked so bleak. He felt similarly to when he lost Tomoe. The difference was Barnaby was alive and well.

He supposed he should just dedicate his life to Kaede, protect her from ever feeling like he did. It might be impossible but he could try. He might succeed if he actually moved back home, because what was he supposed to do with Barnaby there?

He couldn’t leave him either. He was trapped.

“It hurts,” he finally said.

“What hurts?” Antonio asked. “Stomach, head?”

“Inside. Hurts inside.”

“In your gut?” Antonio pursued.

“I think he means emotionally.” Karina’s hand touched his back. “Tiger, talk to us?”

What on earth did he have left to say? “This is it for me.”

“What!? Alright Kotetsu, cut the crap. Your life WILL go on. You’ll find someone, or at least something that makes you enjoy life. You never thought you’d find anyone after Tomoe, and then you found Barnaby. There’ll be someone after him.” Antonio almost sounded angry.

And that made Kotetsu angry. “You don’t know that!” He picked his head up quickly and the bar spun. “Don’t just spew crap to make me feel better!”

“It’s not crap!” Antonio fired back.

“Yes it is! I need to go.”

Karina kept her hand on his back as he started to stand. “But Tiger, you shouldn’t go home alone, not like this!”

“I deserve to be alone,” Kotetsu lamented, and Antonio grabbed his arm.

“Kotetsu, I ought to slap you. It’s fine to be sad, but beating yourself up? Just stop it.”

Kotetsu wavered in place, half off the bar stool. He didn’t see why he should stop it. He was so upset he just wanted to say things. He convinced himself if he didn’t deserve Barnaby then he didn’t deserve anyone.

“If Barnaby saw you right now, do you think you would have a shot at changing his mind?” Karina asked.

He looked at her, processing her question. “No.”

“Stop acting pathetic then. Barnaby won’t love you if you decide you can’t love yourself. I heard that, somewhere,” she added with a blush.

She had a point. Barnaby had enough on his plate to have to worry about making Kotetsu happy. All the more reason Barnaby was better off without him, but he didn’t say that. He just nodded.

Antonio tugged on his arm. “Come on, let’s get you to a cab.”

“’Kay…bye Blue Rose,” he told her quietly, letting himself be escorted outside.

She waved at him and even though his vision wasn’t quite right he still watched that waving hand until she was out of site.

Antonio rode with Kotetsu to his place and went in with him to make sure he didn’t drink anymore. Kotetsu realized his stuff was still at Barnaby’s but it didn’t matter. He was drunk enough that he crawled into bed without much thought. Antonio took off then, leaving Kotetsu alone to pass out.

-----

Kotetsu woke early the next morning and amazingly he was without a stomachache or a headache. He felt a little dehydrated and slow overall, but he hadn’t drank enough to make himself sick.

However he had enough to cry and be generally pathetic at the bar.

He was pretty embarrassed about that. He felt what he had said, but did he really need to voice all that? Antonio was fine, but did he have to say it to Karina as well? He owed her an apology, he was sure.

The clock said it was seven in the morning. He doubted that visiting hours had started at the hospital, despite the fact they would likely make allowances for Barnaby Brooks Jr. Besides, Kotetsu wasn’t sure he should go right away anyway. He’d been away from work and he felt absolutely guilty about it. He didn’t help anyone not going and moping.

It wasn’t that he was afraid to hear what Barnaby might say to him. Not at all.

So he put in a half day at work. He didn’t train with the other heroes, feeling generally unable to interact with them. He could however catch up on paperwork and answer any calls.

He was a little excited when his call band flashed and he got to go into action. He wondered what it was – a fire? Hostage situation? Car accident? The idea that he could go help someone, anyone, helped a lot.

Instead, he found himself rescuing a small calico kitten from a tree.

It had to be a publicity stunt. The cameras showed up awful fast but none of the other heroes did. The little girl was all smiles as he plucked ‘Lady Bodicea’ out of the tree and handed her over. A reporter asked him how it felt to be a savior of the four-legged citizens of Sternbild.

Kotetsu said what he knew they wanted him to say – not for his own popularity or his sponsor, but because the little kid was still around and he didn’t want her to hear just how overwhelmingly stupid he thought it was to be called out for such a thing.

As soon as he could get away, he changed to his normal attire and was off to see Barnaby. He was nervous as hell, his stomach twisted in a knot as his head went over and over all the possible ways Barnaby could phrase yet another, and likely the last, rejection. Kotetsu struggled to plan how he would handle it and where he would go from there, but his mind was blank.

He arrived at the room all too quickly. Barnaby had on his everyday clothes, and wasn’t hooked up to the IV anymore but he was just sitting on the bed. Kotetsu wondered if he’d been sitting there waiting for him.

“Bunny,” he called from the doorway, looking around the room to see if there was anything else keeping him there. It was still the normal, dull hospital room he had left the day before.

Barnaby looked up at him, his face solemn. “Kotetsu, you finally came.”

“Sorry I’m late.”

The two regarded each other for a moment, and finally Kotetsu knew he had to close the distance. He walked in slowly, stopping next to the bed. His stomach had stopped hurting, only because he didn’t have to be nervous anymore.

The vibe in the room was clear. Barnaby was too serious for it to be a happy moment between them.

Barnaby cleared his throat. “I’m okay. With help from modern medicine, my powers were eventually able to take over and I healed myself. I’m still a little weak, but I can go home after they sign me out.”

“Are they going to set you up with someone to talk to?” Kotetsu asked. He felt horrible for hoping that wouldn’t happen, but if Barnaby did end up with a professional, he wouldn’t need Kotetsu anymore.

“No.” Barnaby shook his head. “I asked them not to, at least not right now. When I need it, I will find someone myself.”

Kotetsu nodded, relief washing over him while guilt crept up. He shouldn’t feel good about that. He looked down at his feet, knowing he needed to bring up the other thing. It was so, so hard. “So, you had time to think.” It was a statement, not a question.

“Yes.”

Kotetsu waited for more, but Barnaby said nothing else. It frustrated him. “Is that all you have to say?” he asked, still not looking up.

“I don’t know what else to say, Kotetsu. I don’t know how to make myself feel what you want me to.”

“I don’t want you to force yourself either. I just hoped…”

“I know.”

Kotetsu wanted to cry, but he couldn’t. He’d done too much of it in too short a span of time to even be able to summon the tears and the sobbing and the nose running. That was probably a good thing, but he felt like it would be better than staying quiet and expressionless and still studying the floor.

He had no thoughts he could grasp onto and understand; it was just an overwhelming emptiness.

“I know you’re tired of hearing it, but I’m sorry.”

“Uh-huh.” He couldn’t find it in him to even feel annoyed at hearing it again.

“Will you be okay?”

What a dumb question. Of course he wouldn’t! He gave Barnaby a faint nod anyway though. He would find a way to deal with it.

“Don’t lie to me,” Barnaby said softly and he stood up.

“What do you want me to say?” Kotetsu asked, looking up at him. “If I say I won’t be okay, will that really be better?”

Barnaby looked troubled and Kotetsu knew he had no answer. “Well, I want you to be okay,” he said awkwardly. “Kotetsu, this isn’t easy for me.”

“Sure.”

Barnaby narrowed his eyes. “It’s not! Do you have any idea how awful I feel, doing this to you? I’m hurting the most important person to me. This – this isn’t a good feeling.”

“I just don’t understand,” Kotetsu said truthfully.

Barnaby’s gaze softened, and he stepped closer. He hesitated but hugged Kotetsu, his chin on his shoulder. “Maybe I’m just too messed up for romance, Kotetsu.”

Kotetsu hugged him back. It was difficult when he knew he had to let go of any shred of hope. Everything about it felt strange, like he was saying goodbye. He supposed he was in a way, saying goodbye to any ideas that they might be together.

“You still won’t be alone,” Barnaby told him.

It wasn’t comforting. He wouldn’t be alone, but he’d still feel it. He stared at the wall and tried to process everything, just tried to move and react. He hated just standing there while Barnaby failed to comfort him, but it was so hard to move from the familiar warmth of that embrace.

He found the willpower somehow and stepped back, not letting go of Barnaby quite yet and meeting his gaze finally. He searched his face as Barnaby stared back. He wondered if he looked as sad as Barnaby.

An urge hit him then, and he wasn’t sure where it came from. He looked at Barnaby’s lips and opened his mouth to speak. For a minute, nothing came out. “Bunny, I…” He couldn’t say it.

“You what?” Barnaby’s voice was almost a whisper.

“There is one thing I’ve wanted to do. Please, just let me.”

“Well, what?” Barnaby asked again.

“I wanted to at least kiss you once.”

He heard Barnaby draw a sharp breath. “Kotetsu, I don’t think that will help. It’ll only hurt more.”

Kotetsu laughed a little at that. “Honestly Bunny, I don’t think it’s possible to hurt more right now.” He meant that. The rejection overall was a horrible feeling, second only to losing Tomoe.

“I guess that’s true. Alright, Kotetsu. I can at least do this for you.” Barnaby still sounded apprehensive.

“Will you close your eyes? It will make me feel less stupid,” Kotetsu admitted.

Barnaby looked like he started to smile. He nodded and his eyes fluttered close. “Ready,” he said and it sounded kind of ridiculous.

Kotetsu considered how to do it. He wanted something he could remember, but he had to keep in mind not to go too far, or rather, far at all. He started by moving Barnaby’s hair out of his face, even though it didn’t actually bother him. It was just an excuse to stroke his soft skin with his fingers and he did so when there was no hair to fool with. He rested his open palm on Barnaby’s cheek, the other arm still around his waist. No more fooling around.

He took a deep breath and leaned forward. The move was excruciatingly slow, until their lips merely brushed. Kotetsu felt like a jolt of electricity shot through him and he pressed firmer, though keeping the kiss soft and sweet. He squeezed Barnaby with that one arm and his eyes closed as he just let himself experience it. His mind didn’t focus on how he would never get to do it again, not yet, and he ran his fingers through Barnaby’s hair.

Everything about it felt right.

But he knew he couldn’t do it forever and he pulled away slowly. His eyes opened, while his partner’s stayed closed. It was then that everything caught back up with him.

With a heavy heart he leaned forward again, head angled higher as he placed feather light kisses on Barnaby’s eyes. “Thank you,” he whispered and pulled back, dropping both arms.

Barnaby opened his eyes and Kotetsu started to turn away so they could get out of there. They could go see the receptionist and get the papers or whatever, and then continue on with their normal lives.

“Wait.” Barnaby grabbed his wrist.

Kotetsu slowly turned his head. “What is it?”

The look Barnaby gave him was strange, puzzled. His eyes darted from side to side as if he was searching for something. He fixed his gaze back on Kotetsu then and tugged on his wrist, getting him to turn back around. “I need to test something.”

“Um, alright.” Kotetsu hoped it wasn’t bad.

It wasn’t. It wasn’t at all what he expected. Barnaby moved closer to him and kissed him. It was inexperienced and clumsy, but it was a kiss. He paused, then went to kiss Kotetsu again with his arms going back around him.

Well, if it was going to be like that…

Kotetsu gave him a little help.

His tongue darted out to taste Barnaby’s lower lip briefly. Barnaby held him tighter and his lips parted. Kotetsu took immediate advantage, permission to taste further and explore. His hands rested on Barnaby’s hips.

If he had to describe what was going on in his head he would be in trouble, because he had no idea. Worry conflicted with joy, a sense of being complete meshed with trying not to fall apart.

Their lips parted only for Barnaby to give him yet another, but very brief, kiss. He smiled and it wasn’t a smile Kotetsu had seen before. He was rendered speechless as Barnaby buried his face against his neck and breathed one word against his skin.

“Kotetsu.”

 

---
Rain fell softly outside of Kotetsu’s apartment as a cool breeze rolled in the half open window. It had stormed earlier in the morning, but by mid-afternoon the showers had tapered off. Light rain offered a comforting sound and a wonderful smell.

Kotetsu hardly noticed it.

He laid on his back in his bed, bare from the waist up. There was nothing new about that in itself. But this time he wasn’t alone. Barnaby was on top of him, chest pressed against Kotetsu’s and head carefully rested against the older man’s. They each had an arm stretched out across the bed with their hands clasped together. Kotetsu’s other arm went around Barnaby to keep him close. They both were awake but made no move to get out of bed.

Barnaby had left the hospital a couple of days prior, and went right home with Kotetsu. The whole thing had felt like a dream. They didn’t talk about it right away but Kotetsu saw the changes in the way Barnaby simply looked at him that afternoon. Kotetsu had held his hand as they left, wearing a smile even though he was so terrified Barnaby would let go.

But he didn’t.

He hadn’t even left Kotetsu’s apartment. For someone who sure liked his own space Kotetsu was surprised Barnaby insisted on being there. And not only there, but he was in Kotetsu’s bed, constantly.

Part of that was because Barnaby was just plain exhausted. The first day there he crawled into the bed commenting about how it was surprisingly comfortable considering it was Kotetsu’s and then he fell asleep for hours. He didn’t have one nightmare either and Kotetsu wasn’t sleeping right next to him the whole time. Unlike Barnaby he couldn’t sleep through being hungry and needing the bathroom. As soon as each need was filled Kotetsu was right back in the bed with him.

That rainy day Kotetsu was sure they’d both had more than enough rest and should go back to work. His call bracelet hadn’t gone off. It’d probably been turned off until he was back regularly, and he did want to get back to hero-ing around.

But he wanted to stay with Barnaby more and that’s why he didn’t move except to change cuddling positions. Kotetsu was in the warm, wonderful phase of a relationship where all he wanted to do was spend every waking moment with his loved one. He couldn’t get enough of each touch to the face, each lazy kiss. Really, he knew he’d always feel that way.

They shifted so Barnaby was on his back and Kotetsu stretched out along his side. Kotetsu kissed his shoulder, finally speaking and voicing the question he’d felt too awkward to ask. “Bunny, what made you come around?”

“The kiss.”

“Yea but what does that mean? Why the kiss?”

Barnaby sighed and turned his head. “It just made things clear to me.”

Kotetsu propped himself up on his elbow, tracing Barnaby’s chest with a finger. “You’ll have to expand on that.”

“I slept better with you there. I felt less lonely with you around me. Everything has been better with you. In all my thinking, I started to wonder what would happen if I lost you.” He paused. “I didn’t like the answer I found.”

“But that was still before the kiss, right?” Kotetsu asked.

“Yes. I guess the easiest way to put it is that I just didn’t realize what I felt. You must understand Kotetsu, I tried hard to keep my distance from everyone. Even at the academy when I had fans, I avoided getting to know them. I don’t think I’ll ever know how I reasoned that out in my head, because I’m sure Maverick kept me isolated. I was always lonely but for some reason never tried to change it.”

“I think I see,” Kotetsu said, leaning over to kiss Barnaby’s cheek. He said no more, eager for him to continue.

“My understanding of being in love with someone matched everything I felt, or should I say feel.” His gaze shifted off to the side as he blushed. “But when it came to thinking about kissing you and some of the finer romantic details, all I could think was that it was too strange. It was different, and it- it kind of scared me.” He licked his lips. “I decided that if I was in love with you, that stuff shouldn’t scare me.”

“Love is always a little scary. Not jump-out-of-the-shadows-scare-you-screaming scary but you know.”

Barnaby blinked at him. “Thanks, I totally needed that clarification.” Kotetsu just smiled so Barnaby continued. “Every hug felt wonderful, and all I wanted those, what, two nights? All I wanted was to be close to you and feel you around me. I thought it was just comfort. But then we kissed, and it felt so good Kotetsu. It took me over completely, I just wanted more and more.”

“More kisses?”

“More you.”

“All of me?”

“All of you, gross cheesedog omelets and all. I can’t believe I almost lost this.”

“I wasn’t going to go anywhere,” Kotetsu reminded him, fingering his soft curls.

“No, no, this, not just you. Ah-nevermind.” Barnaby dropped it so quickly. He rolled over on his side, into Kotetsu. He buried his head against his chest. “I love you too Kotetsu. I know I do now. I need you.”

Kotetsu held him tightly, the smile on his face so big it was almost painful. How down and out he’d felt the night at the bar with Antonio and Karina – that felt like years ago. He was sure they, along with his brother, would be more than eager to hear the news. He owed them all for being there for him. They would have still been there had Barnaby not reacted to that kiss.

He decided not to dwell on that. Instead he just focused on hugging Barnaby. The breeze outside picked up a bit and it felt a little too cold on his back. He shifted away from Barnaby only to pull the covers up over them. “I love you so much, Barnaby," he said, shocking himself as he used his real name. Barnaby hummed before kissing his chest and Kotetsu knew they wouldn’t be going back to work at all that day.