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Chase was very thankful that, upon noticing that something was off, Kaz had dragged Oliver out of their shared room in order to provide their no-longer-official-leader some privacy. Chase had given the pyrokinetic boy a strained smile, trying to express his gratitude. As soon as the door swooshed shut, Chase felt his legs buckle beneath him.
In his defense, he hadn't planned this. This wasn't supposed to be a part of his routine. He wasn't supposed to find an old picture in his computer. Even if he did find said picture, he hadn't put into consideration that a single picture of him and Sebastian smiling and looking happy together could make him spiral. He'd had a whole day full of work planned ahead of him. Hell, he'd pulled an all-nighter the night leading up to that day because he was behind schedule and he had spent his entire night working.
One picture, so many memories.
Memories of both his highest moments and his lowest.
Chase didn't understand how someone who had made him feel like the happiest guy on earth also had the power to make him feel just as miserable. How had he felt so loved yet never quite enough, he didn't know. He didn't understand.
He'd always make a mistake regardless of how hard he had tried to be good. He had always found a way to mess things up, to unleash the mean words that made him feel strangled. Those mean words came out of the same lips which also said such loving, warm and affectionate words that made his insides feel softer and sweeter than cotton candy. Chase didn't know how he had managed to mess up to the point where he would fear to say or do anything at all.
When Sebastian was in a good mood, those days had been the best days ever. They had cuddled, giggled away, watched shows together, ate together. Chase had fallen asleep feeling safe, comfortable. However, Chase somehow managed to never be good enough.
He would never have ill intent. Often his mistakes were as simple as forgetting to text the other boy when he left the house, not sending him a picture of his meal. Chase never meant harm. All he had ever wanted to do was to be good. Yet it seemed impossible.
When Sebastian got in a bad mood, he got cold, distant, mean. It had always scared Chase to the point where he'd shut down completely. No words would ever make it past the knot in his throat and would end up falling back into the pit in his stomach. He'd sit there and listen, face and hands numb to the point where they didn't work, heart pounding at 147 beats per minute, feeling completely out of it even though he could hear every single one of Sebastian's words.
Usually, Chase shutting down would cause a new set of problems since how were they supposed to communicate if Chase wouldn't talk?
Sebastian would usually soften up when Chase fully started to shatter. Crocodile tears, choking on his own breaths, stuttering out broken words that didn't make sense regardless of how hard he tried. The other boy's demeanor would shift immediately. Suddenly, whatever they were arguing or trying to communicate about was no longer a big deal and Sebastian loved Chase more than anything. Sebastian would whisper into his ear about how Chase had done nothing wrong, how he was perfect, the best person ever who deserved the whole world. Chase would feel himself collapse or even melt into Sebastian's embrace and suddenly, it was as though nothing had ever happened. It always left Chase conflicted at the end of the day as he silently slipped into his capsule for the night.
If it hadn't been a big deal, if Chase really hadn't done anything wrong, why had Sebastian told him all of those mean things and spoke to him as if he was speaking to a criminal? If Chase had done something wrong, why would Sebastian suddenly switch and tell him how good he had been and how he had deserved the whole world?
After a few months of the on and offs, Chase had found himself being unable to breathe at the sheer thought of making another mistake and ruining their day for the umpteenth time in a row as he waited for Sebastian to wake up. Chase would always wake up early, get his morning routine and stretches done before anyone else woke up so his personal routines wouldn't interfere with the time he'd spend with Sebastian. But waiting for Sebastian to wake up every morning, wondering whether something will go wrong, whether he'll mess up again or if it would be a peaceful day where he got praise, cuddles and affection... It was nauseating. It made Chase so nervous that he couldn't function at all until he got a glimpse of Sebastian.
That was when Chase had connected the dots. He wasn't the best at understanding and processing his own emotions but it had suddenly occurred to him that he had never felt this nervous, scared and uneasy around his other loved ones.
Though, not long after Chase's realization, Sebastian showed his true colors anyway, revealing who's side he was actually on. That was the night when Chase had to recode the entire security system for the bionic island and take all the necessary precautions to make sure Sebastian would never set foot in the island again. He had done all of this while unable to feel his face, hands and upper legs. The entire time had been a blur. He barely had any memory of going back to his capsule after he was done.
Those were the memories that had rushed in to Chase's brain upon seeing that picture. Though he also remembered the matching bracelets that they had wanted to get, the way Sebastian always wanted to spoil him even though Chase had never been too comfortable with the idea of being gifted things, when it came from Sebastian, he had been willing to let his guard down a little bit. All those times Sebastian had given him gentle squeezes on his shoulders while Davenport was being shitty, the pet-names he'd whisper into Chase's ear that made Chase want to melt and give up control completely, all the times they had sneaked out late at night to watch the stars and how Sebastian would listen as Chase provided fun facts that he had already told one too many times before. Sebastian had never once looked like he had lost interest.
Part of him had known that the end would've been close even if Sebastian hadn't revealed that he had been working for Krane. Part of him knew that while his heart wanted to melt under Sebastian's touch and stay curled in his arms forever, his brain was on constant fight or flight mode due to how unsafe Sebastian made him feel at times. How unpredictable and mean he could be over things that Chase, despite being the smartest and most observant man on earth, wouldn't even pay attention to. How worthless and small he made Chase feel over things that if he had told his siblings, they'd make fun of Chase for letting Sebastian control him as if he was a puppet. That's what hurt the most.
Chase sometimes wondered. If Sebastian survived Krane's disappointment or harsh methods after the failed mission. Chase wondered how he was doing if he did. He also found himself wondering that if not for his evil creator, whether Sebastian had potential. He wondered if they were both normal people, raised by normal parents, would it have still ended up this way? Could Chase encounter such treatment from someone who hadn't had to go through what either of them went through?
He was too deep in thought, to the point where he had momentarily felt as though he was floating in his own head. No body, no form, just a soul, floating in a void filled with too many thoughts and too much knowledge. Not having a solid form was unsettling. He didn't like floating. He needed someone or something to pull him back down. He needed-
Chase suddenly found himself gasping for air. He had been out of it again. He looked down at his hands which weren't fully numb, but tingly, implying that the most panic inducing part was over. His face also felt tingly. At least he was coming out of it and hadn't just become aware right in the middle of it.
As soon as he deemed his hands and body functional enough, he rushed over to his laptop, deleting the picture. He then went through his inbox, deleting every old message, noticing that the last few were from mere weeks ago. He had to wipe his tears and bite his lip as he skimmed through the inbox one last time, getting rid of the relatively new and anonymously sent messages as well. It sometimes felt as if Sebastian actually loved him. Though Chase knew that that was what Sebastian wanted him to think so that he could lure him back into his trap, make him feel miserable again.
Chase didn't even think Sebastian did all of that intentionally. Maybe he was just wired that way by Krane. Or maybe he genuinely loved Chase but it was too intense. That hurt a bit too. If Chase had been a 100% certain that Sebastian had bad intentions, it would've been easier to let the guy go, labeling him a pure villain. However, Sebastian had showed him enough signs that there was something good in him, deep down. That's why it made it that much harder to let go.
As he shut the laptop harshly, Chase finally became fully aware of his surroundings, the fog fully lifting from his mind.
Breathing. He could hear someone else's breaths. Just one person who had seen some, if not all of it.
Chase suddenly wondered if he had made actual noise while crying. He didn't remember. After trying his best to compose himself and sniffling once or twice, Chase turned towards the door.
"Did you need something Kaz?"
A shuffle, then the door swooshed open, revealing Kaz, as he predicted.
"Dang! I thought I was getting better at this not breathing too loud thing." the pyrokinetic boy complained humorously.
"Sorry Fire Boy, you can't beat the super senses even if you hold your breath."
"To be fair, it took you a while to realize, or at least acknowledge my presence." Kaz pointed out. Chase was ashamed to confirm that he wasn't wrong.
He immediately started shifting his eyes anywhere but Kaz's direction, deciding that the tiny speck of dust floating next to Kaz's left shoe was the perfect thing to observe.
"I don't want to talk about it. I don't know how much of it you saw, but can we please just... ignore that this happened?" he asked, voice dripping in shame.
Kaz's already relaxed posture softened up even more. "Sure bud. You don't have to talk about anything you don't want to talk about. Though if you ever want to talk about it, or feel ready to do so, I'm here."
"Thanks." Chase mumbled, not sounding convinced at all.
"If you want zero filter, zero judgement and complete honesty, you can also go to Skylar first. Your fellow team captain is good at that sorta thing. To be fair, I think I'm good at that stuff too! But she's definitely better at keeping her cool if you know what I mean." Kaz supplied with grave detail.
Chase finally managed to crack a genuine smile.
"Thanks Kaz. I mean it."
Suddenly he felt a buff arm wrap around his shoulder. Protective, yet gentle. Tight, yet without making him feel trapped.
"No problem Freaky Genius. You can count on us you know. The times when the leader carried all his personal burdens alone, those times are over."
They both chuckled.
Chase thought, maybe the Elite Force wasn't too bad after all.