Archive of Our Own ^beta

When they get home, Seoho quickly washes up and retreats into his room, embarrassed by his emotional outburst on the way home. The others give him space, knowing that he’d rather be alone.

However, when Keonhee briefly enters their room to collect his things, Seoho is crying again. His face turned toward the wall and his body curled into himself. Keonhee quietly leaves, shutting the door carefully behind him.

Seoho’s crying again, he frantically texts in the group chat, making sure it’s not one that Seoho’s in.

Is he okay?” Dongju responds almost immediately. Keonhee doesn’t know how to respond. None of them have ever seen Seoho like this before and as shocked as they were when he suddenly burst into tears earlier, it seemed like he had let it all out by the time they got home. You should talk to him.

Yeah, Keonhee should do it, Geonhak adds. Keonhee looks at the bedroom door then back to his phone.

He types in disbelief. Why me? If anything, they should talk to him together.

Because you’re there? Geonhak makes a solid point, but Keonhee feels indignant.

I think Geonhak hyung should do it, Hwanwoong enters the conversation. Since he volunteered someone else.

Keonhee snorts. Technically, Dongju suggested it first, but Geonhak jumped on the bandwagon.

Yeah, Keonhee writes. I think you should do it, hyung.

Hey! Dongju said it first! Keonhee can almost hear Geonhak’s voice.

He’s in the shower, Hwanwoong replies for him.

Then what about you?

Hwanwoong replies with a bunch of sleeping emojis.

You’re not asleep if you respond!!!

Keonhee stifles his laugh. He really shouldn’t be out here laughing when Seoho’s in their room crying.

Hwanwoong stops texting back.

Can’t we just wait for Youngjo? Geonhak asks.

No, he takes forever in the shower. Seoho needs someone now and I need to wash up too.

Keonhee watches the bubbles by Geonhak name appear then disappear over and over again. Then it stops. Keonhee starts typing furiously. Just before he can hit send, the door opens and Geonhak is peeking his head inside.

“You’re here,” Keonhee says, surprised. He thought that he’d just ignore him.

Geonhak makes a fuss as he toes off his shoes, the door shutting behind him.

“Don’t get too excited,” Geonhak says. “I’m not sure I can do anything to help.”

“Just keep him company. Let him know that he’s not alone.”

“I’m pretty sure he’d rather be left alone, but…” he shrugs his shoulders. The fact that he’s even here means that he’s not even sure of that.

Keonhee pats Geonhak on the back and ushers him toward their room. “I’m entrusting him to you, hyung,” he says and then locks himself in the bathroom.

Geonhak stands in front of the door for a moment, contemplating turning around and leaving. By the time Keonhee is done, Geonhak can pretend that he tried, but Seoho was already asleep.

When Geonhak hears the water running in the shower, he closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. He’ll just see if Seoho is awake. He’ll figure out what to do next after that.

Geonhak reaches for the door handle and slowly eases the door open. The lamp in the corner of the room is on, casting a light over Seoho, who is hiding underneath his covers. Geonhak steps into the room and closes the door behind him. The latch makes a noise and Seoho flinches. If he hadn't moved, Geonhak would’ve thought that he had fallen asleep.

It only takes a couple steps until Geonhak is standing right next to Seoho’s bed. He knows Seoho is pretending like he’s sleeping, so Geonhak allows him the grace of pretending like he doesn't know that Seoho is faking it.

Geonhak sits on the bed, balancing on the edge beside Seoho’s back.

“Hyung,” he says, voice low, and Seoho’s breath stutters before he tries to cover it up by attempting to make his breathing seem normal. It doesn’t work. Geonhak knows he shouldn’t laugh, but he can’t help it.

“I know you’re awake,” Geonhak says, a teasing smile on his face as he looks at the back of Seoho’s head. Seoho doesn’t move, which only makes Geonhak laugh more. He pokes Seoho in the side and keeps poking him until Seoho tries to fight him off.

“Hey!” Seoho yells, “Stop it!” Geonhak digs his fingers into Seoho’s sides and Seoho flails his arms around and kicks at Geonhak, trying to push him off the bed.

Geonhak grabs Seoho’s wrists and pins him down. Seoho wiggles around, but eventually gives up, slumping into his mattress. He avoids eye contact with Geonhak and stares resolutely at the wall. Geonhak loosens his grip and Seoho moves to turn his body toward the wall, but Geonhak flips him onto his back. Seoho stares up at him in surprise and when their eyes meet, Geonhak’s breath lodges in his throat.

Seoho’s eyes are swollen and wet with unshed tears. Geonhak’s eyes trace the tear tracks running down Seoho’s cheeks, the tension in his jaw where he’s clenching his teeth, and the curve of his lips as they quiver.

Seoho tries to curl into himself, pressing his chin to his chest to hide his face. Geonhak has never seen Seoho like this and the shock of it makes him go lax. Seoho pushes him off and Geonhak goes easily. But instead of turning away, Seoho sits up, pressing his back against the wall. His head makes a light thump as he leans against it. He brings his knees to his chest and wraps his arms around his legs. Geonhak watches him carefully and when Seoho makes no demand for Geonhak to leave, he takes it as an invitation to sit beside him.

They sit in silence for a moment just staring at the other side of the room until Geonhak glances over at Seoho and finds tears sliding down his face and accumulating on his chin and falling onto his shirt collar. Seoho’s hands are clenched into fists and it’s slight, but Geonhak can tell that he’s trembling.

Geonhak has no idea what to do, but he takes a deep breath and breaks the silence.

“Hyung, you know it’s okay to cry, right?” Geonhak says softly. He taps his fingers on his knees, wanting to reach out and hug Seoho, but refraining.

Seoho sniffles, lifting a hand to wipe at his chin. He nods and says, “I know that.” He lets out a wet chuckle. “I just hate it.”

“It’s nothing to be ashamed of,” Geonhak says. “You bottle up all of your feelings and keep it to yourself - it’s bound to overflow. It’s okay, hyung. Don’t hate yourself for being human.”

Seoho hiccups and Geonhak sits patiently beside him as he cries.

Although Seoho is slightly shorter than him and his body is slimmer, Geonhak has never thought that he looked small. But the way that he hunches into himself like he wants to disappear makes Geonhak’s heart ache. Sometimes Seoho seems so much younger than he is with his mischievous and playful nature, but Geonhak has never felt such a fierce need to protect Seoho like he does at this moment.

Geonhak carefully shifts closer to Seoho. Their shoulders graze each other lightly. Geonhak freezes, not wanting to scare Seoho away, but Seoho leans into him and Geonhak relaxes. They sit there, shoulders pressed together, backs against the wall, the only sounds of their breathing.

Seoho takes a shaky breath. “Sometimes,” he starts, but then pauses. Geonhak waits. Seoho starts over, “Sometimes I feel like it’s not worth it.”

Geonhak’s throat feels dry when he swallows.

This is new territory for the both of them. Back in the car, when Seoho started crying so suddenly, Geonhak was taken aback just like everyone else. He tried his best to reassure him, to find the right words to say. He knows that nothing he said then got through to Seoho, his mind too deep in his own thoughts to really process. Now that it’s just the two of them, no members and no camera allowing thousands of people to bear witness, Geonhak knows that what he says now matters more than anything. And in order to get through to Seoho, he has to tread carefully.

He’s always been a straightforward person. He says what he thinks and means what he says, but he struggles with words, especially around Seoho, who often leaves him in wonder and at a loss for what to say. Usually that’s when Seoho has a clever epiphany when they're playing games or when he says or does something so strange that it leaves Geonhak so speechless that all he can do is laugh.

But in this case, with Seoho opening up and being vulnerable, he’s not sure if he’s the right person to be here with him. Geonhak thinks anyone else would be better equipped to comfort him and yet he’s the one here with him now. Geonhak doesn’t know if Seoho would talk to someone else the way he’s talking to Geonhak now and he’s scared of where this conversation might go, but he’s determined to see this through.

“What do you mean?” Geonhak asks, his voice almost a whisper. He’s staring straight at the wall, trying not to move too much because he wants to make sure that Seoho knows that he can do or say anything he wants and Geonhak will give him that space.

Seoho sighs and Geonhak feels Seoho’s hair tickle his chin before he feels the pressure of Seoho leaning his head onto his shoulder.

“I feel like it’s not enough,” Seoho says. Seoho fidgets and then continues, “I feel like I’m not enough.”

“Hyung,” Geonhak says, his heart cracking in his chest.

“No,” Seoho interrupts, “let me…let me say this, okay?”

“Okay.”

Seoho takes a deep breath. “I keep thinking that I could do better, be better. I think about all the things I could’ve done, things I should’ve done differently. I think about what if I did this and we’d have better results. I kept feeling I’ve been stuck, like I’ve been running in place and never getting anywhere. I wondered about what the point of it all was. And it’s not all the time, but just sometimes. Sometimes I think and think and I can’t stop. I feel like I’m letting everyone down and even when I give my all, it’s still not enough.”

Geonhak feels his heart break. He knew Seoho doubted himself. He knew that he was not all that confident in himself and his abilities, but he never knew that he’d been blaming himself.

Seoho seems to curl into Geonhak’s side and he’s not sure what to do. He wants to touch him, to hold him and shield him from the world, but he’s not sure if that’s what Seoho wants. So he keeps his hands to himself, but he turns his head a bit, barely resting his chin by Seoho's forehead. His lips graze the crown of Seoho’s head when he speaks.

“You know,” Geonhak’s voice cracks and he swallows before trying again. “You know it’s not your fault, right?” Seoho just stays silent. Inside Geonhak panics, wondering if he had said the wrong thing, but he soldiers on. “You’re not alone, hyung. All of us are right here with you. We’re a team. We’re literally called One. Us.” He laughs a little, but it comes out hollow.

It’s so cheesy - something they were scripted to say since their debut, but over time, it had taken on a deeper meaning. They’ve been through so much together and Geonhak never thought that he’d be able to trust anyone the way he does with the members. Each and every one of them have helped Geonhak become who he is today and he thinks that he would’ve given up on his dreams if it wasn’t for them.

“We are one,” he says. “Don’t carry the weight by yourself, hyung. Leave some for the rest of us. My muscles aren’t just for show, you know,” he jokes, trying his best to lighten the mood. Seoho lets out a huff and Geonhak hopes that it’s working. “Why do you carry it all alone?” Geonhak asks quietly, more to himself than to Seoho, but Seoho answers anyway.

“I don’t know,” Seoho admits. “I know we’re a team. I know that all of our efforts are together, but we all have our own roles to play. It’s not-I’m not-” Seoho grows frustrated and he lets out a harsh breath. Geonhak leans into Seoho’s hair, encouraging him to take his time without saying anything.

“Just look at Hwanwoong,” he says and Geonhak knows what Seoho is about to say and he desperately wants to take those thoughts and throw them out the window because he can’t imagine what Seoho has been putting himself through with thoughts like this. He stays still and quiet as Seoho continues.

“He works so hard. He’s always in the dance studio. He perfects our choreo and his love and his passion for dance pours out of him. He never stops trying to improve himself and he gets all stressed and worked up about the details, but he’s so strong and persistent. He keeps going and never stops and I’m so proud of him.”

Geonhak feels himself wanting to argue. Seoho is just the same. He never thinks he has practiced enough and spends countless hours in the practice room. He always tries to improve and he gives his all into everything that he does, so why can he acknowledge that in Hwanwoong, but not in himself?

“Hyung,” Geonhak says, “don’t discredit yourself. You’re amazing.” Seoho laughs humorously and Geonhak never wants to hear Seoho make a hollow sound like that again. Geonhak shifts so that he can face Seoho.

“I’m serious,” Geonhak says. “Hwanwoong would be the first person to say the same things about you, you know. He’d shout for the whole world to hear how amazing his hexagon hyung is.” Seoho sniffles and shakes his head.

Geonhak doesn’t know how to get through to Seoho. Geonhak is a man of actions more than he is a man of words, but he thinks that he should start changing that.

“I thought it went without saying,” Geonhak says, not really knowing where he’s going with this, “but I realize now that maybe it needs to be said so that it can be heard. You’re incredible, Seoho.” Geonhak feels his heart rate pick up and he hopes that Seoho can’t tell. Seoho’s gaze is locked on him and Geonhak avoids looking straight into his eyes. Instead, he stares at Seoho’s chin as he speaks.

“You have an amazing voice,” Geonhak says and wonders if he should’ve been studying a thesaurus because he doesn’t know what else to say other than incredible and amazing now that he’s started. Words aren’t his forte - it’s the irony of being a songwriter.

The thing is that Geonhak has so many thoughts when it comes to Seoho - he’s on his mind all the time. He just never wanted to entertain those thoughts for too long because it would mean admitting something that he’s not ready to admit yet.

Geonhak starts to compliment Seoho again, but he stops himself, realizing that this isn’t going to help. Seoho hears it all the time - how great he is from fans and staff, but if that can’t get through to him then what difference does it make if Geonhak just repeats it?

Geonhak knows that at the root of it, it isn’t that Seoho doesn’t think that he’s good at what he does, it’s that he thinks he’s not good enough.

He must stay silent for too long because Seoho tenses up and Geonhak can tell that he’s about to pull away. In a panic, Geonhak blurts out the first thing that crosses his mind.

“You’re my best friend,” he says and Seoho stills. Maybe what Seoho needs is to know that there’s someone who cares for and relies on him just because he’s himself - not because he’s an idol or a singer or a dancer or a rapper. Maybe what he needs right now is a friend.

Geonhak lets out a long breath, preparing himself for the onslaught of words that he’s about to throw at Seoho. There are some things he would’ve never said out loud, but he thinks that the situation calls for it. Seoho is opening up and being vulnerable with him and he thinks the only thing he can do in return is do the same. Maybe it can show Seoho that he’s not alone in his feelings and maybe that can ease some of the pain.

No amount of words are going to solve anything, especially not in a single conversation. Geonhak thinks that the least he can do is provide comfort.

“I was scared,” Geonhak says, his voice nearly a whisper. “Before I came here, I was terrified of trying again.”

Seoho doesn’t say anything, but he leans into Geonhak’s side, no longer prepared to pull away. It encourages Geonhak to keep going. He licks his lips and continues, not knowing what he’s saying and letting the words flow from him.

“I tried because even though I had already lost all hope, there was someone who was hopeful for me. And just knowing that he was looking out for me when I had isolated myself and gave up on my own was more than enough to keep going,” he says. He takes a breath and when he exhales, it’s shaky.

“I’m grateful to have taken another chance,” he continues. “I’m grateful for the universe for bringing me to you guys.” Geonhak has said this before. Not many times and not in so many words, but what he says next is something he’s never said aloud. “But more than anything, I’m grateful that that choice brought me to you.”

Seoho sucks in a breath. Geonhak can imagine him chewing on his lip, but he doesn’t dare move to look. When Seoho doesn’t say anything, Geonhak fills the silence.

“It was hard for me to trust people. Being new to the company, to the group, especially when you all already knew each other, it was difficult for me to let my guard down. I was nervous and terrified on my first day here, but at the end, I knew I had made the best decision that I possibly could have. I started to feel hopeful again. And do you know why?” Geonhak doesn’t expect Seoho to answer.

Geonhak isn’t even sure if Seoho’s even breathing anymore from how still he is, but then Seoho makes a small noise, almost like a questioning hum. Geonhak interprets it as Seoho letting him know that he’s listening and to keep talking.

“It was because of you,” Geonhak admits quietly. He can feel himself blushing from the tips of his ears to his cheeks. “You know I can be shy. I was almost jittery with nerves and you’re shy too, but you took the initiative and talked to me first. You were so warm and welcoming. I liked you immediately and that never happens when I meet someone for the first time. And after everything that happened, I was even more wary of people, but all those fears melted away with you.

“Don’t get me wrong. I liked the others too. Everyone was so nice. And I felt like I could really learn to trust you all. But you…” Geonhak trails off, still not sure there is a word he could use to describe the way that Seoho made him feel. “There was just something about you. Since I met you, I’ve been trying to figure out what it is. Maybe that’s why I was so drawn to you. I wanted to know you. I wanted to understand you. And being with you, I felt known. I felt understood. I felt like it was okay to be myself.

“I once said that I was most thankful to be in the same group as you,” Geonhak says. “At the time, you asked what I liked about you. I didn’t say it then, but I’m saying it now.”

He takes a deep breath.

“I’ve never met anyone like you. No one can make me laugh the way that you do. No one can make me feel as light and free as you do. No one can make me feel so comfortable and safe. Whenever I feel lost or doubtful, when sometimes those feelings of hurt and betrayal come to the surface, you always make me feel better by simply being there. It’s not anything you say or do. It’s just because it’s you. You mean a lot to me.”

And I love you.

Geonhak runs out of things to say, just short of outright saying that he’s in love with him. He holds his breath, waiting for Seoho to say something. Anything. He stays silent for an uncomfortable amount of time.

Geonhak expects him to brush it off. Maybe he would tease him for being cheesy. They’d laugh together and then Seoho would thank him and things would go back to normal.

Eventually, Seoho speaks, pulling Geonhak out of his thoughts.

“Did you figure it out?” Seoho asks. It’s not at all what Geonhak was expecting him to say and yet it’s the only thing Seoho would say.

“Figure what out?” Geonhak asks, mind still stuck on what he thought Seoho would behave.

“That something,” Seoho says. Where Geonhak would usually expect Seoho’s tone to have a playful edge, it’s devoid of that. He’s not asking to tease. He genuinely wants to know. “You said that there was just something about me that you couldn’t quite put into words.”

“Not exactly,” Geonhak says. “It’s not just a single thing. It’s this all encompassing thing that I can’t explain, but I know that whatever it is, it’s what makes you…you. There isn’t anyone like you.”

Seoho makes an odd noise and then tries to cover it up with a cough. Geonhak can’t see his face, but he knows that Seoho is blushing.

“I mean it,” Geonhak says, trying to sound as genuine as he feels. “And if that’s something you need to hear, then I’ll keep saying it until you can believe it yourself.”

Seoho shakes his head. “You’ve said enough. I think it’d be weird if you said things like that all the time.”

“Not weird, just different,” Geonhak points out. He’s not sure why he’s trying to argue with Seoho about this. He doesn’t think that he could handle borderline confessing to Seoho on a regular basis. Yet he insists on it because he feels like he needs to do something to help Seoho. And if he has to tell Seoho he loves him without saying that he loves him, then it’s the least that he can do.

“Do you want things to be different?” Seoho asks. And isn’t that a loaded question? For some reason, Geonhak suspects Seoho isn’t just talking about words of affirmation.

“Different doesn’t mean change. It’s more like evolving,” Geonhak says. Seoho hums like he’s not quite convinced. “Like the Digimon you love,” Geonhak adds and Seoho laughs.

“When they evolve, they get better,” Seoho says.

“We can get better. Together.” Geonhak wrinkles his nose, cringing at what he said, but Seoho laughs, folding in on himself and clutching at his stomach. Geonhak thinks he should feel offended. He thinks he should be upset at Seoho’s audacity to laugh at him when he’s just trying to make him feel better. However, he thinks that Seoho’s laughter is more than worth his embarrassment.

“Together,” Seoho says once he stops laughing. He looks into Geonhak’s eyes as he says it and it feels like a promise. A promise that neither of them will deal with their feelings alone. That they’ll lean on each other to help lift the weight of the burdens that they’ve been carrying. A promise that they’ll never be alone.

Together. Geonhak really likes how that sounds.

Seoho sighs and looks away. His shoulders slump and Geonhak can see the tension in his body fade away into exhaustion.

“I’m going to look like a potato tomorrow,” Seoho says, a pout on his lips as he pokes at his cheek. Geonhak grabs his hand to stop him.

“No one’s going to see you,” Geonhak says and it’s true. They have a gap in their schedule for most of the day, which is plenty of time for Seoho’s condition to improve.

“I think I need a cold compress,” Seoho says.

Suddenly, Geonhak is hit with an idea. Maybe it’s because they’re both emotionally spent. Maybe it’s the late hour. Whatever it is, Geonhak has an idea and even though he knows it’s silly, he can’t stop the words before they come out of his mouth.

“Or maybe you just need someone to kiss it better,” he says.

Seoho laughs, “What? Are you offering?” The smile slips off his face when he looks at Geonhak and finds him grinning.

“Wait,” he says a second too late. Geonhak pulls Seoho toward him, leaving an obnoxious kiss on his cheek. “Hey!” Seoho shouts, trying to push him away, but he’s smiling. Geonhak pulls him in again, leaving kisses right above each of his eyes, brushing his lips against the arch of his eyebrows.

“You know kissing doesn’t actually take the pain away,” Seoho complains, pushing at him. “My eyes are still going to be all red and puffy tomorrow.”

Geonhak presses his lips firmly against Seoho’s temple just to spite him. Seoho lets out a noise of disgust, but he’s laughing. Geonhak leans back and looks fondly at Seoho. He looks like he normally does, bright and happy. Geonhak thinks this is how he should always be and if he can help Seoho be himself and feel better even when he breaks down like this, then he’d happily do it over and over again to ensure that Seoho smiles like that forever.

Geonhak latches onto Seoho’s hand and intertwines their fingers. Seoho squeezes his hand and Geonhak usually runs hot, but just the simple gesture from Seoho makes him feel like he’s engulfed in flames.

Seoho takes their hands into his lap and starts fiddling with their fingers. Geonhak knows that he’s trying to avoid eye contact from the way that he’s chewing on his lip. Geonhak has no idea what is up with him tonight, but he’s feeling bold.

He leans closer to Seoho and lifts his chin so that their eyes meet. He gently pulls at Seoho’s bottom lip with his thumb. Seoho’s breath feels hot against his hand.

“Stop it,” Geonhak says. “You’ll start bleeding.”

“Well maybe you should kiss it better,” Seoho says. Geonhak feels like he can’t breathe.

“You just said that that wouldn’t do anything.”

“I’m a man of science,” Seoho says. “We have to run an experiment and collect data before drawing conclusions.” Geonhak lets out a breathy laugh at how Seoho can be such a nerd, but he finds it immensely endearing.

Geonhak belatedly notices that Seoho is blushing and he realizes how close they are to each other. Geonhak’s brain catches up with the situation and he processes what Seoho had said.

“Are you telling me to kiss you?” he asks, heart beating wildly. He looks at Seoho’s lips and then back up to meet his eyes. Geonhak is watching him so carefully that he sees when Seoho’s eyes dart down to look at his lips. He doesn’t look away.

Geonhak holds his breath and Seoho breathes in.

“Yes,” Seoho finally says, barely a whisper. Geonhak leans in closer, his eyes slipping shut as their noses brush against one another. He presses his lips against Seoho’s and his stomach flutters.

He pulls away slightly, the kiss short, but feeling like an eternity.

“Did that work?” Geonhak asks. Seoho hums and Geonhak waits.

“I don’t think so,” Seoho says. “Maybe you should try again.” And Geonhak doesn’t hesitate. He surges forward, capturing Seoho’s lips with his again. And again. And again.

Geonhak grows dizzy from how soft Seoho’s lips feel against his. Geonhak doesn’t drink, but he feels like he’s drunk. Drunk on Seoho’s lips pressed against his. Drunk on the way that Seoho clings to Geonhak’s shirt. Drunk on how much he likes this - how much he likes Seoho.

Geonhak has no idea what tomorrow will bring - if they can ever have a moment like this again or if he’ll wake up and find that it was all a dream - so he takes what he can and stores it away in a little chest in his heart so that he can keep it there forever.

-

They don’t talk about it. Geonhak thought things would be awkward, but somehow it’s like nothing and everything’s changed, but they’ve stayed the same. It’s like once the sun rose and the blanket of darkness was no longer there for them to hide behind, neither of them could be as vulnerable as they were that night.

That doesn’t change how Geonhak’s heart rate picks up when Seoho is near. Each touch - always accidental when it’s from Seoho - lights sparks across Geonhak’s skin. And he knows that he affects Seoho just the same. From the way that his breath hitches when Geonhak traps him after Seoho provokes him with his words to the way his eyes seem to sparkle with not just mischief, but with something almost sweet. And Geonhak has never preferred desserts, but he finds himself craving the tooth aching sweetness and sick to your stomach feeling that resembles the butterflies in his stomach when he looks at Seoho.

It’s a near thing - Geonhak is close to breaking, to giving in and taking what he’s wanted for years. He knows that if he went for it, Seoho would follow. That’s how they are, always gravitating towards one another. If one falls, the other would jump after.

This game of push and pull, will they won’t they that they’ve been playing has gone on long enough, but just when Geonhak prepares himself to make a move, it all comes crumbling down.

Calling it a mess is an understatement. The accusations go up online and all hell breaks loose. There’s lots of yelling and crying and then it’s all over in what feels like forever and a flash. Youngjo leaves and they’re left to pick up the pieces.

-

No one gets much sleep. Their schedules were already jam packed, but with all the changes they have to make in preparation for the tour, there’s even less time than before. Rerecording songs to cover Youngjo’s parts and altering all of their choreography to fit five instead of six is taxing work - both emotionally and physically.

Geonhak feels an exhaustion that goes deeper than his bones. It burrows under his skin and seeps through his veins, spreading everywhere, dragging him down. He feels like he’s crashing and burning, over and over again, but somehow he’s still standing on his feet even when the world feels like it’s crumbling.

It’s late when Hwanwoong and Geonhak are running through some dance moves in the studio. Geonhak isn’t sure what time it is, but he knows that he’s been awake for far too long.

“Hyung,” Hwanwoong says when they finally take a break. Geonhak is sitting, slumped against the wall, trying not to fall asleep, but something in Hwanwoong’s voice - almost like a sense of urgency and desperation - makes him alert. Geonhak watches as Hwanwoong paces back and forth, the nervous energy rolling off of him in waves.

Geonhak wonders if Hwanwoong has hit his limit. They’ve all been running around, functioning off of fumes and Geonhak had no idea when the last time Hwanwoong slept was. He wonders if Hwanwoong is about to say the most ridiculous thing or the most concerning thing. He hopes it’s the former.

“What?” Geonhak asks when Hwanwoong doesn’t say anything. Hwanwoong stops in his tracks and turns to look at him. His eyes are wide and unblinking.

“Hyung,” he says again, his voice coming out flat and emotionless. For a second, Geonhak is scared that Hwanwoong’s eyes are going to roll to the back of his head and that he’s about to faint from exhaustion. Instead, he stands still and stares. His lips press into a thin line before he speaks.

“Protect us,” he says.

“Huh?” Geonhak asks, not sure what Hwanwoong is telling him to do.

“Can you just-” Hwanwoong starts, but his voice breaks and Geonhak thinks he might cry, but he doesn’t. Hwanwoong clears his throat and tries again. “I know it’s selfish,” he says, “but can you just protect us?”

Geonhak stares back and says nothing, waiting for Hwanwoong to elaborate.

“It’s not fair, hyung.” Hwanwoong continues. “None of this is fair. And I know it’s not fair for me to ask this of you, but please-” he takes a breath “-please put us first?”

“I don’t-” Geonhak starts, trying to convey that he needs Hwanwoong to be more clear of what he’s asking.

“You and Seoho-hyung,” Hwanwoong says and Geonhak freezes. “I know it’s not fair for me to ask you to put yourselves aside for us, for me, but can you just-for the sake of Oneus?”

Geonhak’s mind whirls. Hwanwoong can’t know - can he? Geonhak decides it’s better not to go down that path and assume Hwanwoong is only referencing Seoho because they’re the oldest members - definitely not because they kissed and have been dancing around each other since then. He can’t possibly know that.

Geonhak licks his lips and swallows, his throat suddenly dry.

“Woong-ah,” he says, “you don’t have to worry about that. Seoho hyung and I aren’t going to let anything happen, okay? We’re all together on this. Oneus comes first, you know that.”

Geonhak waits with bated breath. He watches the tension roll off of Hwanwoong’s shoulders and he finally blinks. Geonhak sighs in relief.

“Okay,” Hwanwoong says and then turns around to start collecting his stuff. “I don’t know about you, but I think I just might fall asleep on my feet, so I’m gonna head back now.” He slings his bag over his shoulder and looks at Geonhak. There’s a slight upturn to his lips and the empty look in his eyes is gone. “You coming?”

Geonhak feels whiplash from Hwanwoong’s change in demeanor. Even though he knows that Hwanwoong just needed reassurance, he can’t help but feel like there is more that needs to be said. He doesn’t think that should be the end of their conversation, but neither of them are the type to talk about things like this. Besides, Geonhak thinks that he’d rather not continue in fear that Hwanwoong might reveal that he knows more than he’s letting on and Geonhak isn’t going to ask.

“Yeah,” he says and gets up to follow Hwanwoong out.

“Thanks,” Hwanwoong says softly when they get into the elevator. Geonhak almost doesn’t hear him, but it’s eerily silent in the building at this hour. Geonhak glances out the corner of his eye and Hwanwoong is staring straight ahead. Geonhak looks at the elevator doors and hums. There’s no need for any more words.

-

The conversation plays on repeat in Geonhak’s mind for the next week. In the brief moments when he gets a chance to have thoughts that aren’t about their next schedule or the tour, the look on Hwanwoong’s face haunts him. He’d never seen Hwanwoong look so lifeless before. He’s seen him stressed out and tired - walking around like a zombie, but never like that.

Since then, Hwanwoong hasn’t looked like that again and Geonhak is relieved to see him acting more like himself. Geonhak finds himself looking and observing him more. He watches Hwanwoong, but he watches the others too.

Dongju seems to be in fight mode. He’s more determined than ever and Geonhak isn’t sure where the drive comes from, whether it’s from anger or desperation, but from what Geonhak can see, he hasn’t faltered in the slightest.

Geonhak has always admired how mature Dongju can be. It’s been a long time since they were both new additions to the company and the group, but Geonhak has always felt like Dongju was leagues ahead of him when it came to dealing with tough situations.

When something bothers Dongju, it’s written all over his face. In this case, it’s no different. Dongju was mad. There isn’t a single person on the planet who wouldn’t be able to tell. Even so, he made it known that he was mad and upset and disappointed.

He voiced his feelings on the matter and Geonhak knows that for Dongju, that’s all he needs to start working through those feelings on his own and learn to move on. Geonhak has a lot of respect for Dongju and sometimes he envies his emotional control.

Geonhak is the type to just silently deal with things on his own and just keep moving until the feeling fades. Geonhak knows that it’s not always the best way to deal with things, but it’s been working well for him thus far. The only thing is that he’s been hurt before and this situation has reopened old wounds that have long since been healed. But when someone who helped heal those wounds is the one to open them up again, he can’t deny that he’s still affected by the damage. It takes everything in him not to completely shut down.

Geonhak is proud of Dongju’s strength and he knows that as long as they stick together, he’ll heal just fine. Geonhak can’t say the same for himself, but he hopes he can learn to be a little bit more like Dongju.

Keonhee is the most outwardly emotional out of all of them. Easily startled and quick to cry, Keonhee’s emotions roll off of him in waves. Geonhak has lost count the amount of times he has seen Keonhee cry, but he’ll never forget when he yelled until his voice was hoarse and his face was covered in tears.

He was the most vocal when it happened - asking questions, demanding answers, begging for it all to be a terrible nightmare. He had fought and fought and Geonhak admired his will because all Geonhak could do was stand there. It sounds dramatic, but Geonhak really did have to pull Keonhee away kicking and screaming.

But like any other emotional outburst, Keonhee was calm the next day. Yet he didn’t hide his feelings the way that Geonhak did. Geonhak would push them down, bury them and pretend that he was fine. Keonhee embodied ‘it’s okay not to be okay’ - his feelings are always visible on the surface, but not visible in his actions or words.

If Dongju is a master at emotional control, Keonhee is the master of emotional compartmentalization. He’s an array of emotions at any given time, but most of the time, he puts his best self forward. That doesn’t mean he’s not feeling negative feelings - he’s feeling negative and positive at the same time and chooses to express his positive emotions.

Geonhak admires how he can handle the cluster of emotions he’s feeling and allow himself to feel them all.

Geonhak has always been hyper aware of Seoho. How could he not when he’s always jumping, running, messing around, wrecking havoc? Seoho has a tendency to go off on his own and do some of the most random things and Geonhak’s eyes will naturally follow - in fear he might hurt himself and with curiosity to see what he’ll do next.

Seoho has always kept Geonhak on his toes and he continues to do so. But Geonhak can tell he’s straining himself. He can tell that he’s trying his best to keep up appearances to hide the fact that he’s hurting.

Seoho is known to be a happy pill. Always smiling, laughing, teasing and Geonhak knows that he’s laying it on thick to ease the tension. He’ll poke at the members to get a reaction out of them, to get them out of their own heads, and it works without fail. It’s his way of taking care of the members and making sure that they’re not spiraling.

Geonhak has been victim to this on more than one occasion and it took him a while to figure out what Seoho’s game was. When he realized what he was doing, he felt guilty. Because if Seoho was doing all this for them, then who was doing it for him?

He decided to take that responsibility upon himself. Seoho would make fun of him whenever Geonhak would find his mind wandering and Geonhak would latch onto Seoho whenever he seemed down, which was hard to determine so Geonhak took to just latching onto him as much as possible.

It’s not unlike their usual dynamic - maybe more frequent than before - and Geonhak isn’t even sure that Seoho knows Geonhak’s intentions, but there’s the added layer of care and concern in their interactions that wasn’t there before.

There’s a tension that wasn’t there before too. Whether Seoho starts it or Geonhak does, they always end up in the same place: Seoho trapped in Geonhak’s arms and Geonhak staring helplessly at Seoho’s lips.

He finds it increasingly harder each time not to just kiss him, but Seoho will pull away or one of the members will say something and the spell will be broken. They’re almost never alone and Geonhak has a feeling that Seoho is avoiding him, but he has no solid proof. They haven’t talked about what happened and Geonhak desperately wants to, but he doesn’t even know what to say.

They both know that it’s fruitless. Maybe if things went differently. Maybe if they didn’t feel like they had to constantly watch themselves in case someone decided to expose them to the world. It was a risk before and now it simply isn’t even something to be entertained.

Geonhak tries to be grateful that they can still spend time together. It’s not everything they could be, but it’s all they can have so Geonhak settles for these fleeting moments because how could either of them disrupt everyone’s world when they’re just barely hanging on?

-

Somehow Geonhak and Seoho are the last ones to leave the set for their concert video recordings. It’s the first time that they’re alone together since that night and Geonhak tries not to overthink it.

They’ve been alone together countless times before. It’s not any different than any other time. Except it is. Because the last time they were alone together, they kissed and a part of Geonhak hopes it’ll happen again.

It’s clear that it won't when they get out of the car and Seoho trips on his way out. Geonhak catches him before he falls to the floor. Geonhak can’t help the chuckle that passes his lips. He’s witnessed Seoho do things he didn’t think was humanly possible and yet he can’t get out of the car without tripping over his own feet.

Seoho stares up at him like he’s in a daze. Geonhak makes sure he’s steady on his feet, but keeps a hand on his arm just in case.

“You okay?” Geonhak asks and Seoho nods. Geonhak doesn’t think Seoho realizes that he’s swaying. He looks like he’ll fall asleep any second.

Seoho blinks at him slowly. Geonhak steps closer and scans his face, looking for signs of awareness. Geonhak’s eyes stray to Seoho’s lips and it takes all of his energy to look away.

When Seoho remains unresponsive, Geonhak flicks him on the forehead.

“Hey!” Seoho shouts and Geonhak laughs.

“Just making sure that you’re awake enough to walk,” he says. Seoho scowls at him, his lips pulling into a pout that Geonhak really wants to kiss.

To spite him, Seoho starts marching off toward the building without him. Geonhak quickly catches up to him before he can get on the elevator and leave him behind.

Seoho nearly walks into the wall and Geonhak slips an arm around his waist. The fact that Seoho doesn’t protest proves that he’s not okay.

“Are you sure you’ve been sleeping?” Geonhak asks, suspecting that Seoho might’ve lied about his nap in the car. Usually he would ask if he’s been sleeping well, but all of them have been struggling so any amount of sleep is good.

“Yeah,” Seoho says, sighing almost like he’s wistful. “I’ve just been having really weird dreams,” he mumbles to himself, but Geonhak catches what he says. He wants to ask, but Seoho’s so unsteady on his feet that Geonhak isn’t sure if he’ll just start spouting nonsense. He helps Seoho into the elevator, down the hall and into his dorm, pulling his shoes off, and laying him on his bed.

The second his head hits the pillow, Seoho is asleep. Geonhak sighs, running a hand through his hair. He pulls the covers over him and for a second, debates crawling in beside him. He shakes his head, ridding himself of the thought. Instead, he glances over at Keonhee to check if he’s asleep and after confirming that he is, leans over and leaves a kiss on Seoho’s forehead.

“Sleep well,” he whispers and then shuffles out of the room.

-

They’ve been working nonstop. The days bleed into one another and although they spend almost every second together, they haven’t spent any time doing anything other than work.

So when a rare open late night and early afternoon sneaks its way into their schedule, Dongju takes the opportunity to arrange for a sleepover. He makes Geonhak drag their mattresses onto the floor of the shared living room floor of his and Hwanwoong’s dorm.

It’s a tight fit, but they managed to get them all in there.

No one knows how they ended up like this, but they’re lying down, heads together in a circle, staring up at the ceiling covered in the glow in the dark stars that Dongju had kept pestering them to put up.

“Sometimes I think about what life would be like if I didn’t become an idol,” Keonhee says out of the blue.

“Me too,” Hwanwoong says.

Geonhak thinks about how he had almost completely given up on becoming an idol, but ended up at RBW. Ever since he became a part of Oneus, he has never looked back. He can’t imagine what his life would be like if it wasn’t this.

No one says anything for a moment, letting what Keonhee said settle over them.

“We were only Oneus because of the six of us,” Hwanwoong eventually says, opening the door into a conversation that Geonhak wants to avoid - a conversation he thinks they’ve all been avoiding.

Hwanwoong takes a deep breath and continues. “And now it’s us five and somehow we’re still here. I hate that this is what it has come to,” he admits. “I thought we’d never make it as idols if it wasn’t all of us together, but the world keeps spinning and we keep going.”

Geonhak opens his mouth to say something, but surprisingly, Seoho beats him to it.

“I’ve often wondered what Oneus would be like without me,” he says, almost too quiet to hear, but they’re lying so close to each other and the night is so quiet that they can hear the slightest breath or movement. “I thought that if for some reason I couldn’t sing or dance anymore, that you would be able to continue on without me.”

“No,” Keonhee says just as Seoho finishes speaking. “Hyung, don’t say that.”

Geonhak can feel it when Seoho shakes his head. He suddenly recalls that night all those months ago with Seoho lying closer to him then he is now, whispering secrets to each other in the dark. It feels like a lifetime ago and a small part of Geonhak desperately wishes that he could rewind time and go back.

That night is something that he keeps close to his heart, holding it like a precious stone - something so rare and fragile that he wants to keep it behind glass to admire. But what he really did was keep it locked away and it remained untouchable. If he could go back, Geonhak doesn’t know if he’d do anything differently, knowing what’s to come. He’s certain that it only would’ve made things worse. But in moments like this, he wonders if he had kept it on his sleeve rather than buried deep in his heart if he could just pull Seoho into his arms right now like he could have already done a million times before.

“But it’s true, isn’t it?” Seoho says. “Youngjo hyung isn’t here anymore and we’re still going. If it was me, it’d be the same wouldn’t it?”

“That’s not-” Geonhak says, protesting, but he doesn’t really know how to continue. Everyone knows that it’d be different because Seoho would never do anything to hurt them. But there are a million reasons why someone might leave. If it was for his well being, his health and mentality, then Geonhak would continue on because that’s what he would want them to do. He’d go on, for Seoho.

In a way, he already is. He keeps going to protect Seoho, protect Keonhee, protect Hwanwoong, protect Dongju. To protect Oneus and Tomoon.

Geonhak doesn’t even want to entertain the thought of Seoho leaving, for any reason.

He needs Seoho. He needs to see him, be near him, see him smile, hear him laugh, hear his voice, be by his side. Being a part of Oneus is more than anything Geonhak could’ve dreamed of, but being in Oneus with Seoho is everything.

“It’s not the same,” Dongju says. It’s the first thing he’s said and it’s almost like everyone is holding their breath to hear what he says next. “Youngjo hyung left,” he says, his tone bitter. “If it was you, Seoho hyung, it would be different. You would have never put us in that position in the first place.” He says it with such certainty and conviction like it’s a fact of the universe.

Geonhak sucks in a breath. What Dongju said is heavy, the weight of it pressing down on Geonhak’s chest, making it hard to breathe. Because what Dongju’s saying is true. It was hard to believe, but ultimately, they had to learn to accept the truth. But if those accusations had been about Seoho…no one would’ve believed it. Everyone would probably laugh at how ridiculous it is.

Geonhak still can’t wrap his mind around everything that happened. One second, Youngjo was here and then he was gone. He volunteered to leave. Staying would’ve ruined them - at least that’s what he said, but that wasn’t something that they even discussed. Everything happened so fast that they didn’t know what to do. And the next thing they knew, Youngjo was gone and they were left to pick up the pieces.

Geonhak has never been an angry person. He gets fired up, but never angry, but in that moment, he felt it in his gut - a wrenching feeling that left a bitter taste in his mouth. He wanted to shout and scream - demand answers, ask why, but he bit his tongue and let it all fall apart in front of him.

It hurts - more than anything that Geonhak has ever felt before. He feels betrayed all over again, only this time it’s worse. They went through so much together only for him to leave them behind, tending to wounds that fester.

“He left,” Hwanwoong says. “He just went off and did whatever he wanted. He didn’t have a right to do that to us,” Hwanwoong says.

Geonhak knows that behind the anger and bitterness is just pain. They’re all hurting and they all carry it differently, but in the end, pain is pain.

Geonhak can hear the anger simmering underneath Hwanwoong’s words. Out of them all, Hwanwoong was the one that Geonhak couldn’t figure out. There were moments where Geonhak would catch him just standing or sitting, staring off in the distance with an emptiness that would consume him, but then he’d turn around with a smile on his face and it’s like he was full of life again.

“We were all in this together,” Hwanwoong continues. “But he took that promise and threw it away like it meant nothing. Like we meant nothing.”

Together. It reminds Geonhak of that night when he and Seoho promised each other to go through things together, but when they needed to, they pushed their feelings down and pretended like everything was fine.

“You wouldn’t leave,” Hwanwoong says to Seoho. “You can’t.” His voice cracks at the end.

Suddenly, Keonhee lets out a sob and Geonhak wants to turn to him, but he’s afraid that if he moves, this moment would be broken and they won’t get a chance to say all that they’ve been holding onto.

Hwanwoong sniffles and Geonhak knows that they’re both crying now.

“None of us will leave,” Dongju states. “Whatever happens, we’ll brave the storm together. Like we are now. Like we have been.”

No one says anything at first. Geonhak isn’t really sure what to say. Keonhee and Hwanwoong are crying and Seoho has been silent for a really long time. Geonhak thinks that they must be in the same boat - unsure if they should be making promises they don’t know if they can keep.

As if Dongju can read his mind, he says, “It’s not a promise. It just is.”

It’s so simple, but it’s the perfect thing to say. Geonhak doesn’t know how Dongju does it, but he can make any situation better just with a few words.

Eventually, Seoho speaks. “I won’t leave,” he says. “I don’t even know where I would go or what I would do without you guys. Sometimes I think about where I would be if I wasn’t here and sometimes I think it would’ve been easier.” He sighs. “Sometimes I want a simpler life, but then I remember that I wouldn’t have met you guys.”

Geonhak feels the heat from Seoho’s hand lying next to his. He slowly inches his hand closer until the back of their hands touch. He feels Seoho’s finger twitch, but he doesn’t pull away.

I’ll always be grateful that that choice brought me to you. Geonhak thinks back on what he told Seoho and feels the same sentiment in what Seoho is saying when he doesn’t pull away from Geonhak’s touch.

“I won’t leave either,” Hwanwoong says, sniffling. “You couldn’t get rid of me even if you tried.” He lets out a wet laugh.

“Me too,” Keonhee says, his voice hoarse. “You’re stuck with me for life.”

“I’m not going anywhere,” Geonhak says.

“See?” Dongju says, “Oneus is five now and that is just how it is.”

“That's just how it is,” Seoho repeats. Geonhak isn’t sure if he meant to say it out loud, as if he was filing it away to remember in the future as a reminder when his thoughts get the better of him, but Geonhak can hear how exhausted he is. He takes a chance and reaches out to hold Seoho’s hand. Seoho curls his fingers around his and the warmth of his hand in his reassures and grounds him. He rubs circles on the back of Seoho’s hand and hopes that he makes him feel the same way.

“You know,” Keonhee says, “when I said that I wonder what life would be like if I wasn’t an idol, this isn’t where I thought the conversation would go.” He chuckles. “I was gonna say that I think in another life, we would’ve met anyway, regardless of where we were or what we were doing. And maybe things would be different, but I think we would’ve been the same.”

“Hmm…” Dongju hums thoughtfully. “I think so too,” he says. Even though he knows no one can see him, Geonhak nods in agreement.

“I was just thinking about who we’d be if we were in university or if we were working office jobs,” Keonhee says. “What it would be like to actually live a normal life instead of playing pretend for a concept.”

“You just want to be a CC so bad,” Hwawoong says, his voice teasing.

“Hey!” Keonhee shouts and Geonhak just knows he’s pouting. “Don’t pretend like you haven’t thought about it. It’s not like we can date…”

Geonhak feels Seoho tense up and before he can pull away, Geonhak clings to his hand. It’s true - they can’t date. But that doesn't mean they can’t have this - a moment here and there to remind them that it doesn’t matter how - they have each other even if they can’t let it be anything else.

No one says anything for a moment and the light atmosphere seems to die in the silence, bringing a tension that Geonhak feels deep in his bones. He opens his mouth to crack a joke, but before he can, Hwanwoong speaks up.

“No,” he says and something in his voice puts Geonhak on edge.

The seriousness in his tone makes Geonhak remember the look on his face when he asked Geonhak to protect them - the way that his lips were pressed so firmly together in a line, not smiling, not frowning, just stern. He remembers the way Hwanwoong’s voice broke when he asked Geonhak to put his feelings aside for the sake of them all. He remembers it so vividly that it haunts him.

Geonhak waits with bated breath to see what he says next.

“I’m sorry,” Hwanwoong says. It’s not what Geonhak was expecting him to say and he wonders what he’s apologizing for and to whom. Geonhak wonders if it’s an apology meant for him. He knows that Hwanwoong feels guilty over asking him to put everyone else first, but he understood what needed to be done.

Geonhak is about to tell him that it’s okay, but then Hwanwoong says, “I was wrong.”

“What are you talking about?” Dongju asks.

“Geonhak hyung,” Hwanwoong says and all the air leaves Geonhak’s lungs in a single breath. “I’m sorry.”

Geonhak’s mind reels. Is this about that conversation? Because he wasn’t wrong. Geonhak would’ve done it even if Hwanwoong didn’t ask. He was never going to let his feelings get in the way of their hopes and dreams, not when they share the same passions and goals to keep doing what they’re doing for many years to come.

“What…” Geonhak says slowly, his tongue suddenly feeling too dry. “What are you apologizing for? You weren’t wrong about anything.”

He feels exposed, the conversation meant to be between the two of them, but Geonhak is all too aware of everyone else around them.

“No,” Hwanwoong says again. “I told you to put us first. I told you to cast yourself and your feelings aside and to stand strong and bear the weight of our problems. I was selfish. I was wrong to ask that of you. Especially when you were hurting just as much as we were.”

“I told you before,” Geonhak says, “I want you to lean on me. I want to support you. I want to carry the weight when it gets too heavy for you to bear. You never had to ask in the first place, I would’ve done it anyway.”

Geonhak can feel that Seoho wants to ask what they’re talking about, but he remains silent, trying his best to pretend like he isn’t right next to Geonhak to give him as much of a semblance of privacy as possible.

“That’s not just it, though!” Hwanwoong exclaims. There’s a rustling sound and suddenly, Hwanwoong’s face comes into view. He has vaulted over Keonhee to get into Geonhak’s space. “You can do what you want, hyung. Don’t let me or anyone else prevent you from going after what you want. Who cares if it’s risky? Who cares if we might cause another scandal. Who cares when we have each other? We’ve already sacrificed so much, we’re allowed to be a little selfish now. We’ve given everything, so it’s our turn to take.”

Hwanwoong is breathing heavily by the end of his rant. Keonhee pushes him over and then starts clapping.

“That was beautiful,” he says and Geonhak can just tell he’s wiping away fake tears. Geonhak fondly rolls his eyes. The others laugh at his dramatics.

“I’m sorry too,” Keonhee says after a moment. Geonhak has no idea what Keonhee’s apologizing for.

“It’s okay, Keonhee-ah,” Seoho says and Geonhak is embarrassed that his first thought is of how much he missed hearing Seoho’s voice since he hadn’t said anything in a while.

“Okay,” Dongju says, “what is going on?”

“I basically asked the same thing of Seoho hyung,” Keonhee says and it’s the first time Geonhak is hearing about this. “I know that it wasn’t fair to push the responsibility onto you, hyung. I don’t even know what I was thinking. I was a mess and I put that onto you. I’m sorry.”

“I understand,” Seoho says carefully. “For what it’s worth, I forgive you. We were all a mess and none of us handled it in the best way. This conversation is long overdue. We were all dealing with it on our own and we shouldn’t have.” Seoho lets out a breathy laugh. “We’re Oneus, afterall.”

Dongju giggles and Geonhak feels his face flush, the memory of him saying a rendition of those words to Seoho months ago making him want to hide. Seoho squeezes his hand and Geonhak knows that he’s not making fun of him, but he’s still embarrassed from hearing his own words out of someone else’s mouth.

“We want you to be happy,” Hwanwoong says. Geonhak isn’t sure if he's talking to him or Seoho, but in Geonhak’s mind it’s the same thing. “The life we live is already difficult enough as it is, you shouldn’t make yourself more miserable when you could be making yourself happier.”

“You too,” Seoho says. “All of you. All of us. Let’s be happy together.”

“Yes!” Keonhee says and throws his hands into the air. “Let’s be happy!” They all throw their hands up and repeat it together. Geonhak is sad to have to let go of Seoho’s hand, but their laughter fills the air and Geonhak feels all the weight and tension lift away.

They’ll be okay.

They’ll be happy.

“Ah!” Keonhee says once they put their arms back down. He giggles a little and then with a mischievous tone, he says, “I also want to say sorry for walking in on you, Seoho hyung.”

“Shut up,” Seoho says immediately and Geonhak can tell he’s embarrassed. About what though, Geonhak doesn’t know.

“Ohhhh…” Donju says in a similar tone. “You mean when Seoho hyung and Geonhak hyung were sitting in a tree?”

At first, Geonhak is confused as Seoho groans and tells Dongju to stop. When have they ever been in a tree? But then it hits him. Oh God, Geonhak thinks, Keonhee saw us kiss?

“You saw that?” Geonhak exclaims before his mind can catch up to his mouth. He slaps himself in the forehead. What if they were only joking around and he just confessed by saying that?

Dongju giggles, Keonhee squeals, and Hwanwoong laughs. For the first time that night, Geonhak turns to look at Seoho. He’s looking straight up at the ceiling, body still and in the little light coming through the window, Geonhak can see a faint blush on his cheeks. Geonhak feels his face grow warmer.

Through gasps of laughter, Geonhak hears Keonhee apologize. So he really did see them.

Geonhak is mortified by the fact that Keonhee not only saw them, but it seems like he told Hwanwoong and Dongju too. He has no idea how it’s possible that Keonhee witnessed that and didn’t make a sound to alert them that he did when it happened. There were no gasps, no screaming. How had he held it in? Geonhak knows that he would’ve been mortified then and he’s mortified now, but he’s not sure what would’ve happened if Keonhee revealed that he knew.

It puts a lot of things into perspective now that Geonhak thinks about it. That feeling of suspicion Geonhak had when Hwanwoong talked to him and countless other odd things from Keonhee and Dongju finally make sense. Geonhak wasn’t being paranoid. They really did know.

But at least he’s not alone in this. He reaches out and takes Seoho’s hand again, this time, intertwining their fingers.

“Oh my God,” Geonhak groans, wishing the floor would open up and swallow him. Eventually the laughter becomes little puffs of air and once they’ve settled down, Geonhak prepares himself for the onslaught of questions that are surely to come.

“Was that your first kiss hyung?” Dongju asks cheekily. It’s not out of the ordinary to tease Seoho about his lack of love life, but this time it’s not just about him, it’s about Geonhak too and he just wants to curl up and die.

“Yeah,” Seoho says quietly. Although Geonhak knows that was Seoho’s first kiss, it’s still shocking to hear him admit it. Suddenly shy, Seoho tries to pull away, but Geonhak doesn’t let him.

“Mine too,” Geonhak says, answering Dongju’s question. A series of “what?”s and “no way”s are voiced into the dark. Seoho turns toward him so abruptly, Geonhak jolts at the sudden movement.

“Really?” Seoho asks, eyes wide, his teeth gnawing at his lower lip. Geonhak really wants to kiss him again, but he refuses to do that with an audience. The privacy of their first kiss was already stolen from them, so Geonhak vows that their next one won’t be. His face grows hot at the thought of kissing Seoho again.

“Yeah,” he says, staring into Seoho’s eyes and the way Seoho’s eyes light up and crinkle at the corners when he smiles makes Geonhak’s heart swell.

“Why haven’t you kissed anyone before?” Hwanwoong asks.

“Because I haven’t,” Geonhak says and Hwanwoong immediately starts booing at him, the others joining in. Geonhak rolls his eyes. He answered the question, didn’t he?

“Come on!” Keonhee says, “Don’t tell us it’s because people thought you were scary looking. Girls like guys like that, don’t they? All mysterious and tough.”

“What makes you think I would’ve wanted to kiss any girls?” Geonhak asks.

Dongju snorts. “Hyung,” he says, his voice sarcastic, “are you gay?”

Dongju is teasing him, but Geonhak is seriously contemplating the question. He knows that he likes Seoho, but is he gay?

“I’ve never thought about it before,” Geonhak says. The others stop their snickering and listen, sensing that the conversation has turned serious. Geonhak feels Seoho tighten his grip on his hand. “I don’t know if I’m gay. I’ve never liked any girls or guys before. I never wanted to kiss anyone. I’ve only ever wanted to kiss Seoho.”

He’s not thinking about how it sounds, only saying what is true to him, but he quickly realizes his mistake when the others collectively go “Ooooohhhh.” Geonhak regrets his phrasing and vows to never open his mouth before thinking first.

“That’s not-” Geonhak starts. “I mean-” He’s at a loss for words. The others laugh at his expense, but Seoho is being too still and too quiet. Geonhak starts to sweat. He has no idea what Seoho is thinking. He doesn’t even know if Seoho feels the same way. They haven’t talked about it. The way that things were going, Geonhak thought that they would take it to their graves. Or late at night, with only his ceiling and walls to bear witness, he thinks about them not talking about it for as long as they stay idols and then when they retire, they can finally be together.

“I’ve only wanted to kiss you too,” Seoho says and Geonhak thinks that if a meteorite were to strike them in that moment, then he would die happy.

“Really?” he asks.

Seoho nods. “Really.”

Hwanwoong makes a retching noise and Geonhak wishes that the others would take a hint and leave so that he could be alone with Seoho. This isn’t a conversation he wants to have in front of everyone. And he really wants to kiss Seoho again.

“Get a room,” Dongju says and Geonhak shakes his head in disbelief. As if they would give them any privacy now that they know how they feel about each other.

“But seriously,” Keonhee says, “we want you two to be happy. And we’re happy for you too. We should’ve never let this get in the way of your relationship.”

“It’s not your fault,” Seoho says. “We didn’t want to take that risk.” He’s talking about him and Geonhak. Although they never talked about it, they were on the same page with that. They all were. It’s just how they are.

“You never had to ask,” Geonhak says. “We all knew what needed to be done. None of us was going to let anything else happen.”

“Thank you,” Keonhee says. “I love you guys.” He sniffles and Geonhak finally musters up the bravery to turn to him. Keonhee cries easily and in times where he bursts into tears, it’s often funny. Nothing about it now is amusing. Geonhak wraps his arms around him and lays his head on his shoulder.

“Thank you,” he whispers back and suddenly Hwanwoong and Dongju are piling on top of them. Geonhak peers over his shoulder to see Seoho hovering, a soft smile at his lips. Geonhak reaches behind him blindly. Seoho meets him in the middle and Geonhak hauls him into the group hug.

Geonhak doesn’t know what’ll happen next. If taking the risk like Hwanwoong said is worth it, but in this moment, he’ll soak up every little bit of love he feels and hope that love is all that they need to live the life they want without abandon.

-

Sleeping on the floor isn’t a good idea. Geonhak has a crick in his neck and his back is gonna be sore from the lack of support, but despite that, he’d do it all over again if that meant he could wake up with Seoho in his arms just like this.

At some point, they had shifted in their sleep, Seoho’s head cradled where Geonhak’s neck meets his shoulder. His hands are tucked under his chin and Geonhak has an arm around his waist. Geonhak thinks he could get used to this.

Seoho looks so peaceful when he’s asleep. It’s like when he’s awake, there’s this tension that doesn’t leave until he’s unconscious. He’s so relaxed so Geonhak doesn’t move in fear of waking him and disrupting his sleep. No one has been able to sleep much these days and Geonhak would lay there forever just to ensure that Seoho can get some rest.

But after a few minutes, Seoho is stirring. Geonhak hears a sharp inhale that indicates Seoho is awake, but he doesn’t want to be. He shifts closer to Geonhak, trying to rediscover a comfy position to fall back asleep in, but he tenses when he realizes that Geonhak isn’t his pillow and he isn’t in bed.

“Hey, sleepyhead,” Geonhak whispers and Seoho jolts, head snapping up to look at Geonhak. Geonhak chuckles, pulling Seoho in closer. “Where are you going?” he asks, grinning.

“Shut up,” Seoho says, but he doesn’t resist, hesitantly laying back down on Geonhak’s chest.

“Sleep well?” Geonhak asks. Seoho closes his eyes and sighs.

“I was until someone woke up and started heating up like a furnace,” Seoho says. Geonhak rolls his eyes and slips a hand underneath Seoho’s shirt, laying his palm against his lower back. Seoho splutters, kicking at Geonhak’s ankles. Geonhak rolls over, stilling Seoho’s movements.

“Any more strange dreams?” he asks, their faces inches apart. Geonhak sees a blush spread across Seoho’s cheeks. He watches as Seoho presses his lips together, his cheeks puffing up before he lets out a breath and turns to look to the side, giving Geonhak a view of how red his ear is.

“No,” Seoho mumbles. Geonhak doesn’t know what he’s so embarrassed about. Unless he’s been having different kinds of dreams. Geonhak raises an eyebrow and uses a hand to tilt Seoho’s chin so that they’re facing each other again.

“Or maybe you were dreaming of me?” he asks, smirking.

Seoho lightly punches him in the chest.

“I’m always dreaming of you, stupid,” he says and then freezes when he realizes what he said. Geonhak feels his ears grow hot. Now they’re both blushing. Geonhak wants to know more about his dream, but he doesn’t get a chance to prod any further.

“Can you guys please shut up?” Dongju complains, rolling over and pulling the edges of his pillow up to cover his ears. Geonhak and Seoho look at each other in horror, realizing that not everyone was asleep and Dongju had heard them.

Geonhak laughs lightly, rolling off of Seoho and getting up to his feet. He puts out a hand to help Seoho up and after a moment of staring, Seoho takes it. Geonhak pulls him to his feet in one quick motion. Seoho yelps, Geonhak shushes him, and they end up tiptoeing out of the room, trying to stifle their laughter.

They escape to the kitchen, where Seoho leans against the counter, Geonhak standing across from him by the sink. When their laughter dies down, the air grows awkward. Geonhak shifts his weight from foot to foot.

They should talk. Geonhak thinks that after last night that they’d be on the same page, but he can’t be too sure. He and Seoho have a track record of never speaking about things that happen in the dark, when they don’t have to face one another and keep it shrouded in the blanket of night.

Seoho scratches at his cheek and Geonhak knows that he has to say something, lest things continue on as they have been. He doesn’t know how much longer he can look at Seoho knowing that they could be so much more.

Geonhak looks away, busying himself by grabbing a glass from the cabinet and filling it with water.

“Things don’t have to change,” Seoho says, breaking the silence. Geonhak’s heart drops to his stomach. His shoulders tense and he freezes. The water fills the cup and overflows. Startled, Geonhak shuts off the water and leaves the glass in the sink. He turns around slowly. Seoho’s arms are crossed over his chest, almost like he’s hugging himself, protecting himself.

“But what if I want them to?” Geonhak asks, mustering every last ounce of bravery he can when fear grapples at him.

“Wouldn’t it be…” Seoho trails off, fishing for the right word. Risky? Bad? Weird? “Difficult?” Seoho’s face is pinched together like it’s difficult just to say the word.

“It’d be different,” Geonhak says. He searches Seoho’s face, hoping that he understands what Geonhak’s trying to get at. Realization dawns on him. Geonhak can see it in the way Seoho’s eyes soften.

“You mean it’s like evolving,” Seoho says, reiterating what Geonhak had told him before.

“Like the Digimon you love,” Geonhak had said.

“When they evolve, they get better.”

“We can get better. Together.”

“As long as we’re together, right?” Geonhak says, hope rising from the pit of his stomach, lifting his heart back to where it belongs.

“Yeah,” Seoho says, a smile on his lips. “Together.”

They share a quiet moment, mutual understanding easing their hearts.

Geonhak takes a new glass from the cabinet and fills it halfway. He offers it to Seoho. When he takes it, their fingers brush, the touch sending tingles over Geonhak’s palm. When Seoho brings the glass to his lips to take a sip, Geonhak finds that he can’t look away.

“I really want to kiss you again,” he blurts because he can only say stupid things around Seoho when they’re alone together. Seoho nearly chokes on the water. “Shit, sorry,” Geonhak says, snatching the glass from Seoho and setting it on the counter. He frantically pats Seoho on the back as he coughs.

“You can’t just say stuff like that!” Seoho exclaims once he’s recovered.

“Sorry,” Geonhak apologizes again for the lack of something else to say.

“At least not when I’m at risk of choking to death,” Seoho says. He wipes the back of his hand over his mouth. Geonhak wants to scold Seoho, tell him to stop bringing attention to his lips because it makes all the thoughts in his brain disappear.

“You’re not at risk of choking now,” he points out. Seoho blinks at him. “So can I say it again?”

A blush creeps across Seoho’s face. He fiddles with the hem of his shirt. “I guess…” Seoho says, shrugging his shoulders.

Geonhak bridges the gap between them, lifting a hand and wiping the corner of Seoho’s lips with his thumb where a drop of water was clinging.

“I really want to kiss you again,” he repeats. This time, his voice is barely a whisper.

“Then what are you waiting for?” Seoho asks, a challenging edge to his voice, but Geonhak can hear the tremor.

Waiting isn’t how Geonhak would describe what he’s been doing. What do you call wanting something so bad, but knowing that you can never have it? That no amount of waiting will lead you to your deepest desire? Is it longing? Yearning? On his better days, he’d call it romantic. On his worst, he’d call it pathetic.

Whatever it is, Geonhak thinks he could spend an eternity doing it as long as Seoho was by his side.

Geonhak spends too much time pondering that Seoho takes matters into his own hands. Seoho huffs, his breath grazing Geonhak’s lips before he places a hand behind Geonhak’s neck and pulls him in.

Seoho’s lips meet the corner of Geonhak’s lips and Geonhak pulls away with a chuckle.

“You missed,” he says, joyful.

“Shut up,” Seoho huffs and kisses him again. This time,he doesn’t miss, their lips meeting at just the right angle.

Geonhak’s heart unravels in his chest. All those nights, desperately holding onto the memory of Seoho’s lips, he was afraid that he’d forgotten or that it had morphed into something different. But Seoho’s lips are just as soft as they were the first time they kissed and when Geonhak presses closer, his mouth parts for him like they’ve done this a million times before. It’s not like he remembers - it’s infinitely better.

Geonhak has never given their slight height difference much thought. In pictures or for their choreography, sometimes he’d think about it for balance and proportions, but now he can’t stop thinking about how perfect it is. They’re practically the same height, although Geonhak is a bit taller, yet their lips align with one another like puzzle pieces. It makes it so easy for Geonhak to kiss Seoho, just a step closer and a slight tilt of his head, and Seoho meets him halfway just as easily.

Geonhak crowds Seoho against the counter, needing him closer even though they’re already pressed up as close as possible. Geonhak can feel Seoho rising to his toes, sensing that he’s moments away from climbing onto the countertop. Geonhak slides his hands around Seoho’s waist, prepared to help lift him when a scream causes them to break apart.

Over Seoho’s shoulder, Geonhak spots Keonhee covering his eyes with one hand, the other flapping around in front of him like what he’s seeing is a mirage that he can bat away. Geonhak hangs his head, burrowing into Seoho’s shoulder.

Not again,he thinks at the same time that Keonhee voices it aloud.

Geonhak thinks he should feel horrified. Instead, laughter bubbles up in his chest. His body shakes and Seoho giggles into his ear.

“Can’t you guys do this somewhere else?” Keonhee asks, hiding his face behind his hands.

Geonhak looks at him again, still holding steadfast to Seoho, knowing that he’s too embarrassed to turn around and face Keonhee.

“You told us to get a room,” Geonhak says, a smirk lifting one side of his mouth.

“Not the kitchen!” Keonhee screeches. “We eat there!”

Feeling a little bit petty thinking about how Keonhee has intruded on them more than once, Geonhak wants to say that he was enjoying a rather tasty meal, but bites his tongue. He thinks he has scarred Keonhee enough.

Geonhak sighs, slowly pulling away despite wanting to stick close.

“Did you need something?” Geonhak asks as Seoho straightens out his clothes. Keonhee peeks through his fingers. Seeing them standing apart, he puts his hands down.

“I just wanted some water,” Keonhee says. Geonhak turns around and takes the glass he left in the sink. He pours some of the water out and then rounds the counter and hands it to Keonhee.

“There,” Geonhak says, thrusting it toward him. Keonhee hastily takes it, not even complaining about how wet the outside of the glass is, and then practically runs away. No doubt he’s going to wake up Hwanwoong and Dongju to gossip about what he just witnessed.

When Geonhak turns around, Seoho offers him an awkward smile. Geonhak chuckles, shaking his head.

“Come on,” Geonhak says. “Let’s go see what those kids are saying about us.”

Seoho laughs, walking toward him. Their shoulders brush as they make their way toward the living room.

-

“When did you know you liked each other?” Hwanwoong asks. Then he points a finger at them. “Don’t lie.”

Geonhak’s ears turn red and Seoho’s blushing too, but he tugs at Geonhak’s ear. Geonhak smacks his hand and Seoho giggles. Eventually, Geonhak shrugs.

“I dunno,” he mutters, hoping that they’ll just take that as an answer. Of course, they don’t.

“I bet it was during our last tour,” Dongju says. “They couldn’t stop flirting.”

Geonhak splutters. “That’s not true!” he denies, but his voice gets high pitched and no one believes him. Seoho laughs and Geonhak pinches his arm. This is about him too so Geonhak doesn't understand how he could be laughing.

“Come on, you totally liked each other then!” Keonhee exclaims. “It was pretty obvious.”

“What?” Seoho exclaims. He’s not laughing anymore.

“I mean remember when we caught you guys cuddling in the same bed when you had your own beds?” Hwanwoong says.

Seoho’s face turns red. “I was delirious from food poisoning!” he shouts.

Geonhak remembers that night. Seoho had mistaken Geonhak’s bed for his in the middle of the night. He had been so cold, his skin littered in goosebumps. At the time, Geonhak didn’t know that Seoho had food poisoning, but he seemed like he was getting sick. It probably wasn’t a good idea to cuddle up to him with the potential that Seoho could be contagious, but it felt nice to hold Seoho in his arms.

“Just say you wanted to sleep with me,” Geonhak says, grinning.

Seoho gasps dramatically. “You’re the one who hugged me and wouldn’t let go!”

“You wanted me to!” Geonhak argues.

Seoho splutters, “No I didn’t!”

“I don’t know why I thought they might be different,” Hwanwoong says as Seoho and Geonhak continue bickering. Keonhee shakes his head.

“We should’ve known that it was their way of flirting,” Keonhee says.

“I don’t know what’s worse,” Dongju says, “hearing them bicker over stupid stuff or about which one of them likes the other one more.”

At this point, Seoho runs around the table, trying to avoid Geonhak. Geonhak corners him, wrapping his arms around him from behind and laughing into Seoho’s neck.

Dongju wrinkles his nose and throws a pillow at Geonhak’s back.

“Hey!” he shouts. “Stop with your weird mating ritual, we have places to be!”

Geonhak reluctantly lets Seoho go. Seoho turns around, but doesn’t leave. Instead, he lifts a hand to fix Geonhak’s hair. Geonhak stares intently as he moves a strand away from his forehead and then scans the rest of Geonhak for anything amiss. He smooths down the fabric of Geonhak’s shirt, his hand sliding down Geonhak’s chest. Geonhak’s breath catches in his throat.

Seoho tugs at the bottom of his shirt to straighten it out and then he takes a step back. He nods to himself, satisfied with his work and then looks up to meet Geonhak’s wide eyes. Seoho smiles as if he didn’t just take Geonhak’s breath away.

“Let’s goooo,” Hwanwoong says from the doorway. Seoho giggles and makes his way toward the door, planning to follow Hwanwoong out, but before he can step foot into the hall, Geonhak pulls him back into the room. Seoho spins around as Geonhak wraps an arm around his waist and pulls him toward him. Geonhak pecks him quickly on the lips and then lets go, running out of the room, his giddy laughter echoing down the halls.

“Hey Kim Geonhak!” he hears Seoho yell, but Geonhak is already in the elevator.

“What did you do?” Hwanwoong asks him as he frantically presses the button to close the doors. As the doors slide shut, he sees Seoho sprinting down the hall. Usually Geonhak is the one chasing after Seoho, but Geonhak is starting to see the appeal in giving Seoho a taste of his own medicine.

Seoho almost makes it, but the doors shut and the elevator begins to descend. Geonhak sighs, leaning against the wall, chuckling. The others stare at him questioningly. Geonhak doesn’t respond and continues to laugh to himself.

When they reach the ground floor, Seoho is on the other side. Geonhak cackles when he sees the displeasure on his face. Keonhee looks at them and then shakes his head.

“This is weird,” he mutters, getting out of the elevator. “It’s like we stepped into an alternate universe where they’ve swapped bodies.”

“Well you know what they say about couples,” Hwanwoong says, “the more in love they are, the more they start to become like each other.”