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_okazaki hanano. that was the alias she chose to go with during her stay in fujioka high school.
_despite her little escapade that lasted approximately four years, she never expected to cheat death. a fact she was made aware of ever since the tender age of six.
_death was a casual topic in her life. dr.kan made sure she knew the knicks and knacks of death. she knew how her heart would stop pumping blood to her organs. how her breath would stutter to wheezing whispers and then nothing. her brain would stop functioning. she had read in dr.kan’s books about the muscles relaxing, resulting in your bladder and bowel releasing what little content remained in your vessel.
_your skin turning cold, competing with the temperature surrounding it, until it matched with it. blended with it. and as your blood pooled down thanks to gravity, it formed patches of purplish-red spots on your skin. dr.kan had always told okazaki how he found those spots ugly. disgusting. but she found herself disagreeing. she found them ethereal looking. fascinating.
_and lastly your body stiffens, framing your body forever. until the maggots decide to dine on it. they eat away at it, until nothing but bones remain. bones that don’t tell your story. bones that remain silent and unmoving.
_okazaki knew the ins and outs of death. dr.kan made sure of that. she remembers feeling fearful around corpses at first, but then dr.kan gradually helped her get over that harrowing feeling she got in her abdomen whenever he showed her his newest subject, eyes wide open, chest unmoving. “better embrace it now, than let it catch you of guard, my dear yume.” is what he said.
_what dr.kan failed to teach her, was the aftermath of death. she remembers seeing dr.odawara’s wide bloodshot eyes. her first time seeing a dying person. she wanted to cry and run into her mom’s embrace, but those were not habits she shared with her. affection was not something she deserved. that was made clear the moment she was able to understand how she failed her mom’s expectations the moment she weeped as she got pulled out of her womb.
_to her mom and dr.kan such sights seemed like common occurrence, what with the way they shrugged it off as a failure and closed the door on the poor groaning man.
_okazaki had managed to get over her fear of death. she had to after all, hadn’t she? it would be a waste after all, to mull and gnaw over what's imminent. so when that old man came to get her and when he guided her to her resting place, a clinical room just like the one in dr.kan’s lab, minus the rot and overwhelming smell of blood, she did not fight back. she was hoping her mom would be at least watching.
_and when she was strapped to the metal post she made eye contact with the scientist. he looked a little bit older than dr.kan, but his eyes looked incredibly sad. his face was the final one she’d get to see before she crossed over.
_she wished that last face were watari’s.
_she had managed to keep her heart beating relatively steadily, up until the cast covered the entirety of her face. it was like the masks she chose to wore, with the difference that this time it was not a choice she made.
_when the first drip of molten gold touched her skin, she allowed herself to sob. she was not afraid of dying. dr.kan made sure she knew the knicks and knacks of death.what dr.kan failed to teach her, was the aftermath of death. she was sure she would get to reincarnate as a fox, and that much consoled her. but foxes were social animals. they loved to run amok with their partners. nishino and her were supposed to reincarnate together and prowl around in autumn leaves as two little foxes.
_but nishino hated her. she said as much in their final moments spent together.
_okazaki hanano did not want to die.