Archive of Our Own

  It would be like every year. The same procedure as always.

On Christmas, Alejandro would visit his family. He’d eat with his family and their closest friends, help his parents do work on the house while he was there and play with his nephews and nieces whom he saw way too rarely.

On Christmas’ Eve, once everyone was in bed, he’d call Rudy. He’d tell him about the mischief he’d taught the kids and the food his mother had prepared, he’d tell him how much he missed him and what he would love to do with him right now – things which would make Rudy blush and hide his face in Alejandro’s chest if they were together.

But Rudy was on base and out of reach. Like every year.

Christmas was for the family, and Rudy wasn’t ‘family’.

So instead of pulling Rudy into his arms or burying his face in the crook of Rudy’s neck, Alejandro would fall asleep with an ongoing video call, smiling when watching Rudy fall asleep before him like usual. He’d deny his own motives just like he always did.

Alejandro would dodge questions of news in his romantic life by speaking about one or two women he had dated throughout the year, taking them out for dinner or talking them up in a bar. He would distract whoever asked how Rudy was with short answers, telling them he kept the base safe and going while Alejandro was gone.

And it was exactly like that.

It was the same Christmas as every year. It was lovely . Alejandro adored his family, loved them, loved spending time with them, he just-... missed Rudy so, so much.

While Alejandro was away with family, like most of the Vaqueros, Rudy stayed back on base and kept it going. Being an orphan, the Vargas’ had basically adopted him, when Alejandro had dragged him home after the first day of kindergarten, and that was exactly why Alejandro couldn’t tell them.

Rudy was more than just a friend. He was more than a brother. He was his everything . The Vargas were the only family Rudy had  - aside from the Vaqueros - and if Alejandro fucked this up, not only Alejandro would lose his family, but Rudy would lose it, too.

Grunting, Alejandro closed his eyes.

He could lie to himself as much as he wanted, but the fact that he was simply scared of coming out to his family wouldn’t disappear.

“Uncle?”

Alejandro blinked and turned his head to his youngest nephew, patting his head with a smile. “What’s wrong, enano?”

“Mum said you have Americans on base. Can you ask them if they can buy me the candy which I never get in town?”

Alejandro blinked. Once, twice - then he looked up and stared at his sister, who was sipping from a hot cocoa on the opposite sofa and perked a brow at him. “What?”

Alejandro furrowed his brows. “How on Earth would you know I have Americans in my base? Why are you telling him that?”

Malena rolled her eyes. “Don’t use your bossy voice on me, brother, I’m not one of your poor recruits. And I called Rudy , wished him a happy Christmas. There was this guy in the background and I asked. You really could give Rudy a day off next year for a change and bring him along.”

What?

Alejandro stared at her, a part of him annoyed and almost jealous with the fact that she called Rudy, though mainly he simply was confused.

There were no Americans when he-

“A pretty boy. that American though. Might be just something for Rudy. Strong arms, sharp cheekbones.”

Alejandro tensed up. The vein on his temple throbbed already, and his sister glared at him. “What? He is gay, single and alone on Christmas, every year. What’s wrong with wishing him a boyfriend for the next?”

Everything about this statement felt wrong.

Everything about this entire situation felt wrong.

Malena blinked at him and then scoffed. “What? We’re talking to each other, since you never call me and if I want to know how my brother is, I’m calling Rudy.”

Alejandro could do nothing else than stare at his sister. She seemed genuine in her statement, and yet-

“Does that mean Uncle Rudy has an American boyfriend?”

Alejandro’s head snapped back to his nephew, who simply watched confused between him and his mother. Alejandro growled quietly. “Rudy does not have an American boyfriend. And how do you even know-”

Alejandro stopped, an old fear flashing up inside him. He eyed Malena hesitantly. His sister rolled her eyes at him. “What?”

Alejandro swallowed. “How did you even… When did Rudy tell you he is gay?”

Malena blinked at him, then she burst out laughing instead of giving an answer. Alejandro felt his cheeks flashing up and he hissed at his little sister. “What?!”

“Why are you two fighting?”

The only reason why Alejandro didn’t explode was his nephew at his side and the last remaining brain cell within him that he had no logical reason to. Though he usually didn’t need a logical reason to explode. He was emotional, he reacted easily on everything and-

-and Rudy wasn’t here to handle him.

“We’re not fighting. Your uncle is just stupid.”

Muttering a quick curse, Alejandro pulled the phone out of his phone, throwing a deadly glance at his sister, who was smiling behind her mug. Before he could leave the room, Rudy already answered the call.

At once, Alejandro’s mood settled and his heart skipped a beat at the sight of his gorgeous boyfriend - though he looked more tired than usual, and he still sat in the office, despite it being already late in the evening.

“Ale, I- Oh. Hi, Enzo!”

“Uncle Rudy!”

It had been a bad idea to call Rudy in the middle of their living room, with his nephew at his side. Clinging to his arm, the boy beamed into the camera, and Rudy responded to the gesture with a warm smile. “You’ve grown again!”

“I want to be as tall as Uncle Alejandro sometime!”

The chuckle coming through the phone eased something in Alejandro’s heart. He missed him. Terribly, terribly much.

And Rudy wasn’t stupid. While he chatted with his nephew, his eyes briefly met his again and again, noticing something was going on in Alejandro and hiding something of his own.

Alejandro didn’t know Rudy for forever to not be able to read him like a book.

“Mom said you’ve got an American boyfriend now! Can you send him shopping for me? Or will you move to America now? Can I visit you then?”

While his nephew was adorable for making strangers buy him candy, it was something Alejandro would have to have a decent talk with the boy at some point later. Right now he was too busy with suppressing his jealousy and worry.

And he’d also have to have a talk with Rudy.

Rudy hid something, and not even the blush in his cheeks could hide that.

“Ah, I don’t know how your mother caught that impression. They are just… friends, and they are busy. They work with us, Enzo.”

Rudy watched Alejandro while saying that and Alejandro finally broke his silence. “If there are contractors, you should have called me.”

He hadn’t wanted to sound as salty or sharp or ‘Colonel’ like. Even Enzo seemed to be downed, as the boy slid down his arm and stayed quiet at once. Rudy grimaced.

“I… Your friend called. In fact- can we speak alone for a moment, Ale?”

Alejandro growled, but nodded and got up, quickly brushing over Enzo’s head in a reassuring manner. While the boy moved over to the other sofa to his mother’s side, Alejandro slid through the corridor past the others and up into the guest room.

As soon as the door was closed, he couldn’t hold himself back any longer. “Americans?! Don’t tell me that-”

“Laswell called and told me Graves needs help with something.”

As if pure venom replaced the blood in his veins, Alejandro felt itchy and sick. Agitated he built himself up, grinding his teeth and growling without any words. Rudy sighed, unimpressed.

“They’re hunting down someone of the Cartel for intel. Laswell leads the mission. I couldn’t say no.”

Alejandro thought of a hundred things Rudy could have said instead, but no word left his own lips right now. The thought of that scum walking through their freshly repaired base, again , and Rudy was alone with him, again -

“I’m driving home, right now.”

Rudy scoffed. “Ale, I-”

Alejandro pointed at him. “You are clearly in no way able to lead the Vaqueros right now. Allowing Graves to walk into our base again?! Without telling me?!”

Rudy pursed his lips, staying silent. Alejandro shook his head, while reaching under his bed to get out his duffle bag. Throwing everything which laid around hastily into it, he kept throwing angry glances into his phone.

“Did he try something?”

Rudy closed his eyes, obviously getting fed up. “They are polite. Quiet. Kept in a private building, they are supervised, they don’t have access to anything alone and they don’t act up. Most of the Shadows actually seem-”

“Did he try something with you ?”

Rudy eyed Alejandro deadpan. “Seriously? I’m telling you Laswell calls, that they are hunting down someone of the Cartel, that Laswell needs our help, and you are worried Graves tried something on me? What do you even mean?! That he blows me up again?! Well, they didn’t bring a tank this time!”

Alejandro didn’t feel like joking, and the fact that Rudy raised his voice told him that Rudy was neither. Rudy was nothing like Alejandro, he was quiet and patient and considerate, and if the man became loud, he had enough .

Just that Alejandro had enough as well.

“You know what I mean.”

Thick, deep jealousy, mixed with fear and worry - Alejandro tried to keep his voice down, but to no avail. Rudy stared at him wordlessly, while Alejandro’s grip around his phone became tighter.

“I never liked the way he looks at you, and now he waited for the day I’m not on base, that so few are on base, and he’s there to take my fucking base again, and my fucking boyfriend who didn’t even had the nerve of letting me know that he wants to run off with that American asshole!”

He shouldn’t yell through the house. He shouldn’t yell at Rudy .

And he shouldn’t yell around that he had a boyfriend.

Alejandro would dodge the invitation of bringing Rudy the next time along every single time, to keep their relationship a secret. Everyone knew they were close, but it should remain a secret just how close they were, and here he was, yelling it through the house.

And Rudy just ended the call.

Frustrated, Alejandro grabbed his jacket and bag, and stormed outside, hasted downstairs and found several pairs of eyes set on him.

No one said a word.

Alejandro froze and shuddered, but the worry about his base, Rudy, and the jealousy flooding his head kept him warm and angry.

There was no time for being ashamed or worried or scared.

“I need to go back to work, there’s an emergency.”

No one said anything and Alejandro didn’t wait. He stormed outside and to his car, his head spinning and nausea rising up inside him. The duffel back almost flew on the backseat, and when he manoeuvred the car out of the parking spot, his entire body was shaking.

The drive back to Las Almas and back to base was longer than ever before, and Alejandro’s head was full of horror scenarios aside from deep worry. Seeing the Shadows emblem on their trucks first thing when he drove up to the base, didn’t make that better.

Not bothering to park the truck, Alejandro stopped in the middle of the yard and jumped out of his car, causing several heads to turn around. Shadows . The sight alone made Alejandro sick . “ Rudy?!”

Luckily for the Shadows, neither of them moved fast or did something at all. Alejandro’s gaze switched around, seeing several Vaqueros who nodded at him carefully, but then he saw him .

Commander fucking Graves.

The man had the audacity to smile at him, and greet him with open arms as he walked towards him as if seeing an old friend.

Alejandro’s had a short fuse and with three long steps, he reached Graves and punched him.

A satisfying sound of pain from Graves and a sharp pain in Alejandro’s wrist later, Graves was at the ground and every Shadow and Vaquero around on alert. Alejandro hissed at the man to his feet, who chuckled and wiped away the blood from his face.

“I suppose I deserved that.”

“What have you done to him?!”

Graves spit out some blood, then he got up, making a waving motion to his Shadows, who backed down at that. “I guess you mean your Second in Command. And I didn’t do anything.”

Moving forward, Alejandro grabbed Graves by the collar, who sighed and didn’t fight back, but the sparkle in the man’s eyes told Alejandro enough. That man would like to fight back, he just didn’t do it.

“Still as emotional as always, hermano. It’s nice to see that some things don’t change.”

“You’re not allowed to call me that.”

Alejandro’s voice was only a growl anymore, his hands picking up Graves almost from the floor. He noticed the Shadows shifting around them, and his Vaqueros backing him up, but he had to stay calm. Calm .

Staying calm had never been his strength.

“We’re here because of Laswell.”

Graves rose both hands into the air, sounding almost diplomatic. Alejandro hissed and pulled him higher. “I don’t care what you-”

“ Alejandro!”

Alejandro’s head snapped around. Rudy just walked outside of the base, marching down the stairs towards them like a mother ready to scold their children. Rudy was rarely angry, and Alejandro always found him very attractive when he was, just that he was too busy with being pissed right now.

And Rudy seemed to be pissed, too, at least according to the angry sparkle in that beautiful chocolate brown eyes. “Put him down, now! ”

Growling, Alejandro kept Graves in his hands, glaring at Rudy and yelling at him in angry Spanish. “Last I know I’ve been the Colonel of the Vaqueros, and not you!”

That wasn’t what he had wanted to say. Not at all. Rudy blinked at him, Alejandro’s words obviously hurting him, but the man quickly caught himself. “Put him down. Please .”

Alejandro considered it. He also considered throwing Graves out of his base, or punching him again, but with another growl, he dropped the man, who took a step back and rose his hands in another sign of peace offering, staying quiet.

But the way he looked between Rudy and Alejandro, the way the man’s gaze lingered on Rudy just for a second too long-

“Colonel. Please. We need to debrief.”

Rudy’s voice of reason managed to bring Alejandro’s attention back to him. With a nod, he barked at the Vaqueros. “Those Shadows will stay in the yard until I’m back. I don’t want them to even move !”

Rudy sighed, and took his place next to him while they walked inside. The atmosphere between them was tensed, and Alejandro knew he had to do something about his jealousy, but-

Not able to wait until they reached the office, Alejandro grabbed Rudy’s hand and pulled him into the next room. The small rec room was currently filled with two Vaqueros, who jumped up at their sight and hurried out of the room. Rudy scoffed, watching past them, before he turned angrily around to Alejandro.

“Ale, I-”

He was silenced with a desperate kiss. Hope filled Alejandro’s heart when Rudy sighed into the kiss, relaxing under his touch and when Rudy’s fingers clenched into his shirt.

Hungrily Alejandro intensified their kiss, pressing Rudy roughly against the wall, before parting only to catch air, connecting their foreheads.

“Do you know how worried I was?!”

Rudy shuddered under his touch, but leaned forward to plant another soft kiss on Alejandro’s lips. Anger, rage and jealousy was gone, and the heat in his veins replaced with a cold, unsettling wave of stress.

“Laswell needed a decision fast and she called this morning. Soap and Ghost are on their way, too.”

Rudy let out a heavy breath, his hands wandering up to Alejandro’s neck, starting to brush gentle circles on his skin which soothed his agitated mind.

Rudy knew him inside out. He knew how to deal with Alejandro when he was like… this .

“I wanted to tell you when we had our call, but Laswell said there was no need to get you away from your family. She already called Soap out of his, and they really just need our base. No men for now.”

Alejandro groaned, resting his face on Rudy’s shoulder, and allowed the man to gently hold him. “They wanted our base before. You were alone with them before, Rudy.”

The memory of being locked up in his own cell, not knowing what had happened to Rudy, was vivid in his mind, as if it had happened yesterday. He hadn’t realised how bad that memory still influenced him.

“I’m fine .”

Rudy held him, and for a while they didn’t do anything else than just staying like this. Alejandro’s head on Rudy’s shoulder, Rudy’s arms around his body, the soft breath of the smaller man against his hair. Alejandro sighed deeply and tightened the grip around Rudy’s body, before he slowly pulled himself away, cupping his boyfriend’s face.

“I didn’t want to yell at you.”

Rudy crooked a smile. “I know a way or two how you can apologise for that.”

Alejandro found himself smiling, and when they kissed this time, the heat and anger was completely gone out of Alejandro’s system.

“I don’t deserve you.”

“Shh, none of that. And now call Laswell. Please.”

Alejandro nodded and the Colonel finally replaced the lover for sure.

While the call with Laswell itself was fast and efficient, he didn’t like it. Hunting down someone from the Cartel was always a good cause and he helped her of course, but he didn’t like the sound of it. The Shadows would have to stay the fuck out of their main building, but it seemed as if Graves was following her orders - for now. It didn’t change the fact that Alejandro wouldn’t trust this man ever again.

After Rudy picked Soap and Ghost up from the airport, Alejandro offered them the best of their guest rooms, but he kept the greeting short. While he loved having them here and was looking forward to working and spending time with them, there was one thing he wanted to do more.

Burying himself in Rudy’s embrace, holding him tight to his chest and away from peering eyes, kissing him and making up for lost time.

Asking him for advice on what to tell his family.

He had made a scene, and a terrible one on top. Rudy was more level-headed and calm, and usually managed to soothe his agitated mind whenever emotions were exploding out of Alejandro. He was the water to his fire, keeping the blaze in a warm, comfortable size, and whenever Alejandro caught fire, Rudy achieved to keep it at bay.

“Maybe they didn’t even understand what you were saying, Ale. Their house has thick walls.”

Rudy laid on top of him, arms wrapped around his body and his nose  buried in the crook of Alejandro’s neck. Alejandro’s own arms were firmly set around his lover’s body, holding him close.

“Yeah, perhaps.”

Gentle fingers brushed circles on his naked skin. Alejandro breathed out heavily, the stress from the last hours slowly subsiding. Rudy looked up at him and though he smiled, he looked beaten and tired. Alejandro brushed through his lover’s hair.

“I didn’t mean to yell at you.”

If there was one thing he wasn’t good at, it was apologies. Whenever he had a fight with Rudy, it ended badly, with Alejandro ignoring the fact they had to talk. Usually it was Rudy who gave in first, and instead of an apology they would make up for hurt feelings in a very private way.

And today it didn’t help that Alejandro was still a little  bit angry.

Rudy eyed him, tracing the curve of his eyebrows with a finger. “You’re doing it again, Ale.”

Alejandro frowned. “What?”

One of the corners of Rudy’s lips pulled up into half a smile. “Brooding.”

For a moment, they were silent, and then Alejandro let out a sigh, pulling away out of the hug. Noticing the disappointment flashing up on Rudy’s face made his heart twitch, but he sat up and threw his legs over the corner of the bed nevertheless.

“You’re speaking to Malena .”

The silence was thick enough to be cut through with a knife.

“And I am not allowed to speak to her? We are friends.” Rudy held himself back, obviously restraining his voice, and Alejandro turned around sharply.

“She is my sister .”

Rudy perked a brow, sitting up as well now and looking awfully tired. “Is this because you never forgave her that she stole your Batman figures as a child?” Rudy slid nearer and rested his chin on Alejandro’s shoulder. “She’s not going to be able to steal me away from you, Ale. And she doesn’t want to, I promise.”

Jealousy was one of his biggest flaws and problems. Alejandro knew he had to work on it, but one couldn’t simply change because he wanted to. Sometimes it was more difficult.

And he was jealous of Malena, as he was jealous of Graves.

“You told her you’re gay, Rudy. What if she thinks I’m gay now, too?”

Alejandro hesitated, and leaned forward to open his night table, angrily rummaging through the mess in it until he found his lighter and a box of cigarettes. Rudy held his breath sharply. Alejandro knew how much Rudy hated it when he was smoking, but he didn’t care right now.

Taking a few attempts until he lit his cigarette, Alejandro inhaled the smoke slowly, closing his eyes and shuddering nervously. Rudy stayed silent, but the warmth next to Alejandro’s body disappeared. 

“You know, I never told you to come out, Ale. Never . I’m fine with being your ‘colleague’ or even your ‘roommate’. I will keep your secret until the day I die if needed, but I won’t let you push me into the closet myself.”

Alejandro blinked.

Before he could turn around and say something - attempting to apologise, because he hadn’t meant it that way - Rudy stood up and slipped into his oversized hoodie, averting Alejandro’s gaze.

“Goodnight.”

The door to his quarters shut quietly and Alejandro was left back with only the sharp smell of his tobacco. Groaning, Alejandro dropped back on his bed.

Fuck.

~~~~~  

During the time between Christmas and New Year’s Eve, there was work to do and not many opportunities to try to talk to Rudy. Rudy kept their interactions quite professional as well, which told Alejandro just how much the man was pissed. No smile, no long glance, no ‘Ale’, only ‘Colonel’.

The Vaqueros noticed the sour mood between them, but didn’t dare to speak up. Soap however, looked once between them and shrugged.

“Did ye two have a fight?”

Rudy pursed his lips. “No, everything’s fine. Don’t worry.”

Soap perked a brow, but before he could continue to speak, Ghost’s heavy hand on his shoulder distracted him. “Focus on the mission, Sergeant.”

Alejandro shared a short glance with Ghost and nodded, thankfully for not putting more attention to whatever was going wrong between Rudy and him in the moment. Soap and Ghost went to do their business, and while Soap brought the usual sunshine on base whenever he was back, the Shadows were extraordinarily polite.

Graves , however… It couldn’t be an accident that that man was bringing forth whatever he needed from them to Rudy instead of him.

The worst thing was, if Alejandro exploded again, if he punched that man - and God knew he wanted to - if he did anything… jealousy , Rudy would be really angry.

And it was almost New Year.

That was their day and he didn’t want to start the New Year with a fight.

While Soap and Ghost finished their mission quite effectively and without any trouble, the days between Christmas and New Year’s Eve passed quickly enough, and before one could think, it was the 31st of December.

Shadows and 141 were without a mission and would leave only on the next day - and Graves had the stupid idea to celebrate the New Year together . Rudy’s firm hand around his wrist was the only reason why Alejandro didn’t choke the man.

New Year’s Eve. It was Vaquero time. Rudy time.

It should be like every year, with food and music and games, with Rudy on his lap, with kisses shared without a fear, with dragging him back to his quarters to spend the whole night with him, but here he was, having a fight with Rudy, having those Shadows on base and Graves asking for a party together.

“It will be one evening. Tomorrow they’ll drive home, Ale.”

Rudy’s hand wandered from around his wrist to Alejandro’s back. How much he had missed Rudy touching him, but Alejandro only had eyes for Graves. He didn’t like this man, hated him, hated how his eyes looked at Rudy for longer than he should.

“It’s a chance to start new, isn’t it?”

Alejandro pursed his lips.  Graves shrugged, smiling at him, before turning back to Rudy. “We can get the drinks, if you want. We got up on the wrong foot. I think it’s time we should bond again.”

Alejandro narrowed his eyes, hissing at the man. “I don’t want to bond with you.”

Graves blinked, and then chuckled. “Well, but maybe your Sergeant Major does?”

The punch had been inevitable. The satisfying sound of the crack of Graves’ jaw caused Alejandro’s adrenaline to rush, but before he could jump the man and continue, several hands pulled him from Graves.

“Easy, Alejandro!”

Soap stepped in front of him, pushing him back, while Ghost’s arms were tightly around his chest, holding him back. Alejandro was brooding, cooking, his gaze fixed on his prey. Graves rubbed his jaw - this time he had at least managed to hurt him for real - 

Shadows and Vaqueros were once more on alert, but Alejandro only saw red. 

“If you touch him-”

Graves scoffed, spitting out some blood, while one of his Shadows pulled him back on his feet. “ Chill , I didn’t say I would touch him, just that I want-”

“I don’t care about what you want! ” 

Alejandro fidgeted in Ghost’s hand, but couldn’t break out and only glare at Graves. The Shadow eyed him as well, but his gaze wandered to something over Alejandro’s shoulder. Not falling for the trick, Alejandro growled at him.

“And I want you gone, tonight .”

 “Seems like I’m not the only one who’s leaving tonight.”

Furrowing his brows, Alejandro froze. His head snapped around to where Graves was looking and his heart dropped. Rudy had left them, and Alejandro only was able to catch a short glance of him before disappearing inside.

Cursing loudly, Alejandro shook himself finally free from Ghost, raising both arms in sign of peace towards him and Soap, before he hissed once more at Graves. “You’ll wait here.”

Graves perked a brow, and let out a deep sigh, wiping some blood from his lips. “I think I know what your resolution in the new year should be. Patience.”

Considering jumping Graves again, Alejandro growled before walking off. He tried to hurry as subtle as possible, looking into each room inside before finding Rudy in his own quarters.

Packing a bag.

Something in Alejandro fell.

“Rudy…”

Carefully, Alejandro walked inside,  closing the door behind him silently. Rudy didn’t even turn his head to him and Alejandro bit his lip, though his blood was still rushing through his veins and his head was still spinning. “I’m… I didn’t mean to-... why are you… what are you doing?”

Again, Rudy didn’t answer, and frustrated Alejandro grabbed his hand and pulled him around. Rudy twitched and glared at him.

“I told you before, I accepted the fact that you are possessive, but on a decent level. You’re embarrassing me.”

Alejandro huffed, letting go of Rudy’s arm. “Oh, I am embarrassing you?”

Rudy furrowed his brows. “Yes, because you’re acting like some blown up macho for no reason!”
Alejandro narrowed his eyes. “Have you seen the way he is looking at you?!”

Grabbing his bag, Rudy yelled at him. “Have you listened to yourself lately?!”

Everything in Alejandro was burning. Jealousy , but also fear, and he wasn’t good at admitting what he was scared about. Never had been.

Rudy lowered his voice, clearly fighting to regain control over his emotions. “I don’t think I ask for much in our relationship. I ask for one day in the year to be mine. To be ours , and you’re wasting it with sulking and starting fights and make everyone feel fucking awful instead of spending it with me! Your boyfriend! ”

The blood rushed through Alejandro’s head, and for a painful moment he felt his heartbeat stopping physically.

“I can’t remember we ever put a label on our agreement.”

The only thing that can kill Alejandro, is Alejandro. That was what his Vaqueros always said. What Alejandro believed himself, or at least, tried to.

But there was one person who was able to kill him within a single moment - without any weapons, taking him by full surprise, without even touching him. And right now, this person did that.

As if struck by a lightning, Rudy twitched, lost all colour in his face and then- cried .

Rudy never cried, but he did now, and Alejandro’s heart broke into a million pieces.

He stepped forward by reflex, the pain in his chest written all over his face, but Rudy simply turned on his heels and rushed out of the room. Alejandro was left back, staring at the open door while he felt the remains of his heart dropping onto the floor.

Rudy didn’t only cry, he cried because of him .

He hadn’t meant what he said, he simply wanted to-

“Did the Sergeant Major cry?”

Blinking himself into reality, Alejandro stared at Gonzales. His Sergeant stood in the corridor and stared at him, anger burning in those usually friendly eyes, and Alejandro was only able to open his mouth before the man pointed at him angrily.

“Did you make him cry? Again? ”

Alejandro closed his mouth and stayed silent, but the anger flared up within him fast enough to push Gonzales out of the way and move out of the room. Rudy was out of sight, but there were only two places the man would go to in this state - a bathroom, to lock himself up there, or a car, to drive away.

The bag was still here, but Alejandro had no doubt that Rudy would leave in this state without anything.

This had happened before. The last time Alejandro had made him cry - it had been years, but Alejandro felt the pain as if it was yesterday - Rudy had taken one of their jeeps without even taking his phone and disappeared for two whole weeks. It was the most terrible two weeks in Alejandro’s entire life - what if he might never come back?

But Rudy wasn’t outside. The Shadows were still there, Graves was still there, and Soap was frowning at him, trying to put up a smile. Ghost’s intent gaze felt heavy on Alejandro and he swallowed, letting out a shaky breath, before turning to Graves.

“Stay. I don’t care. Just stay outside.”

Graves perked a brow but smiled, giving a nod. “Not a problem. And do not worry - you won’t regret it.”

Alejandro already regretted it, along with many other things.

Soap tilted his head and eyed him hesitantly, as if holding himself back. It was unusual for the Scot, but perhaps Ghost had said something to him. Alejandro grit his teeth. “You two are fully welcome of course. I just-... have to do something first.”

They nodded, and Soap’s encouraging smile managed to at least make him feel slightly better. But he didn’t want to see Soap smile, he wanted to see Rudy smile.

He found him where several Vaqueros were - on the corridor leading to the small administration wing, guarding the door to Alejandro’s office. Alejandro frowned, his heart feeling as heavy as never before.

Every single Vaquero turned around to glare daggers at him, the accusations wordless but bitter. Gonzales built himself up in front of him, narrowing his eyes - in any other moment Alejandro would have not allowed this challenge, but right now, he couldn’t blame him.

Alejandro might be their head, but Rudy was their heart.

“You made him cry. Fix him.”

That was easier said than done. Would he be able to kiss him alright this time? Would Rudy even allow a hug?

Making way for Alejandro to approach the door, Alejandro tried opening it. He sighed when it was locked, and fingered his key out of his pockets, but when he noticed there was a key stuck from the other side, he groaned frustrated.

“Rudy - it’s me, let me in.”

No noise reached him. For a change, he didn’t approve of the sound-proof walls he had invested in the base - especially in his office, for… reasons.

Sighing, Alejandro leaned forward, pressing his forehead against the cold metal. “Rudy. I won’t have this conversation with you through the door.”

The first Vaqueros started to scatter, while others stared him down, arms crossed in front of their chest. Alejandro huffed and c hose to ignore the guard dogs - he might not be out of the closet for his family, but his Vaqueros have witnessed his love for Rudy more than once. They were loyal. He wasn’t scared to out himself in front of them, just-

Frustrated, he tried turning his key around again. “Rudy, mi alma - please , open the door.”

Only silence followed, and the last remaining Vaqueros left them. Groaning, Alejandro raised his voice, hoping Rudy would even hear him.

“Rudy. I won’t leave until we talked. Come on. It’s our day, as you say, right?”

New Year’s Eve was their day. He had been looking forward for it for weeks, and now he had ruined it. Nevertheless, he-

“Colonel.”

Alejandro turned around with an angry frown. Gonzales held a phone in his hand, eyeing him sternly.

“I called Malena.”

Alejandro stared his Sergeant down. “Is everyone talking to my sister?!”

Gonzales shrugged. “She only wants to know how you are doing, Colonel.” Gonzales passed Alejandro his phone, lowering his voice. “And she can be scary. I told her you made the Sergeant cry, she’s really pissed.”

“Well, why do you-” Alejandro groaned but snitched the phone away. “ Malena . This are my men , and you have no right to-”

“You made him cry.”

She was pissed. More than pissed. It was like when they were kids again and Alejandro had made a knot in her shoelaces when not paying attention.

“Alejandro, you are a fucking idiot .”

Alejandro hammered at the door, while yelling through the phone. “I don’t need you to tell me that, I need you to-”

“You know I know you’re a thing, right?”

Alejandro’s heart stopped. He blinked, freezing in his movements, and the scary thing was, Malena sounded soft .

“I love you, Ale. You’re an idiot, but you’re my brother, and I love Rudy like a brother, too. Actually I think I love him a bit more than you, to be honest. So fix this. He loves you and you love him, I don’t see where the problem is. Stop giving me a headache.”

There was too much information in a short time. Alejandro stared at the door, his heart beating way too slow than it should. Had it stopped perhaps even?

“Alejandro?”

Alejandro swallowed, shuddering, his voice only a whisper now. “I don’t know how to fix this one, Mal.”

The heavy sigh through the phone almost gave Alejandro a vivid picture of his sister. He was kind of glad she wasn’t here in person right now.

“I’m not… going to give you any advice about your… personal stuff. Just- Apologise. Make a commitment. Do something, just the two of you.”

‘Make a commitment’.

That was probably exactly what Rudy needed right now. What he deserved , for far too long.

Alejandro held his breath for a moment, before he let out a single chuckle. “Alright. Alright, I know what to do.”

It was crazy. Complete madness even, perhaps, but either it would work or Alejandro would destroy everything altogether.

Ending the call and pushing the phone back into Gonzales’ hands, before he quickly searched for his own and started to write a short message with shaky hands.

The next moments happened in slow-motion.

Alejandro’s face was hot, his gaze fixed on the closed door in front of him. His fingers shivered, his whole body was cold and his knees became pudding.

God, what if he-

The door opened with such an energy that Alejandro twitched, taking a step back by reflex. In the door stood Rudy, cheeks wet with tears, but he didn’t cry anymore. In one hand his phone, Rudy stared at him.

Alejandro swallowed, shaking. “I just mean- I was right. We never put a label on it.”

When Rudy still didn’t say a word, Alejandro stepped forward, his voice breaking. “Well, that’s why… why we should do that, I think?”

Rudy’s gaze flickered over Alejandro’s face, the bottom lip of the man shaking, and the sight of his lover almost in tears again broke Alejandro’s heart just another time.

Alejandro grimaced, lowering his voice. “I… perhaps it was too much, but-”

“Are you serious?”

Rudy swallowed, tears filling his eyes. And never ever before Alejandro felt as confident and sure in something as he did now.

“Yes.”

Rudy blinked. Once, twice, and then he laughed. It was as if the sound manually started Alejandro’s heart to beat again.

“But what about your family?”

Alejandro frowned, his fingers clenching around his phone, but he knew his answer.

“I don’t want to lose you, Rudy. And I don’t want to-” He hesitated, fighting away his jealousy with a grimace. “I don’t want anyone to think you’re not taken, Rudy. And my family, I…”

He was scared .

But perhaps, it finally was time.

He looked up, hesitating and then chewed his lips, dropping on one knee. “I won’t say I won’t be scared. I don’t know how I will tell them, but I know… I know I want you in my life, Rudy.” He reached out to grab one of Rudy’s hands, kissing it softly.

“Marry me, Rudy.”

~~~~~

“You know, when I said 'make a commitment’, I thought of buying a box of chocolate, writing him a love letter or taking him on a trip or something.”

Alejandro sucked his third cigarette of this morning, throwing nervous glances to his sister. She eyed him, then she rubbed his back with a smile.

“Do you think he will come?”

Malena blinked, then she burst out laughing. Hugging his sister with one arm as she leaned into him, Alejandro glanced nervously to the street.

Rudy had said he would come and Alejandro knew there was no way he’d pull through this if he was alone.

Coming out to his parents. His family. Telling them he’d marry the love of his life.

The thought alone made his heart skip a beat, but with Rudy he could do anything .

“You put a ring on that man’s finger, there is no doubt he’s going to give it back.”

Alejandro’ crooked a nervous smile, clinging to his sister more than he wanted to. They stood there in the yard of their family for a while, until he finally heard a truck.

“You should stop smoking before he catches you.”

Alejandro chuckled and nodded. “Ah, he’ll notice the smell right away.”

Seeing the truck driving towards them, already settled something in Alejandro’s agitated mind. The smile which slipped on his features was genuine, and while he still was nervous, he no longer was scared.

The only thing that can kill Alejandro, is Alejandro. But that was only because Rudy was at his side.

“I’m here for you, too, Ale.”

Malena kissed his cheek, before she stepped back. Alejandro swallowed and squeezed her hand, but when he felt Rudy’s presence next to him, he knew which hand he’d take now.

Rudy peered at him patiently. “Are you really ready to do this?”

Alejandro grit his teeth, but nodded. When he took Rudy’s hand in his own, he noticed how cold his own was, but Rudy’s thumb brushing over his palm made him relax almost in an instant.

“You know, the Vaqueros are there for you. And Soap and Ghost as well.” Rudy leaned forward, smiling at him. “And so am I.”

Getting lost in the chocolate brown of his lover’s eyes, Alejandro breathed in one more time.

“I love you.”

Rudy chuckled softly and squeezed his hand. “And I love you.”

Maybe this would be his most terrifying mission he ever did. But with Rudy at his side? He sighed. “This New Year certainly was different.”

Rudy came closer, hugging him softly. “Again. I really doubt your family will have a problem, they accept me after all, but…”

A soft kiss on his cheek followed. An old flash of fear rose in Alejandro, but he forced himself to relax, quickly pulling Rudy closer.

“No matter how this will be, Ale, this new year will be different.”

Nodding, Alejandro slowly leaned forward, resting his forehead against Rudy’s. “Yes. It will be our year.”

And because of that, it could only be well.