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When Zagreus was little, he loathed his bed chambers.
He loathed being in them.
He loathed looking inside them
He especially loathed sleeping in them.
The way his tiny frame was engulfed by the four massive stone walls terrified him. His bed was so high, and so wide. He had to stand on a book to pull himself onto it. And if he tried to lay in it. Right in the center of a sea of heavy down blankets, he felt like he was drowning.
Needless to say, he avoided being on the bed. Preferring instead to curl up in the chair by the headboard.
It wasn't much better.
From his perch he would imagine the chamber was the mouth of a titan. Like the ones illustrated in his history books. Like his grandfather, who had died at the hands of his own father and his siblings hundreds of thousands years before Zagreus was even born.
He would stare at the stone pillars of the exit. Wondering when the maw would close and crush him beneath pillars of stone teeth. He wanted to go back to the room he shared with Thanatos and Hypnos.
At least there he felt safe. At least there he wasn't by himself. When he had nightmares he could curl up next to one of the older demon boys and know that it was okay.
He couldn't do that here. His father had banished him to these chambers. Others were not allowed in here.
He didn't know what he'd done this time, to deserve this punishment. Then again, he never knew what would aggravate his father.
He tried to be good, but it never worked. Somehow he'd say or do the exact thing to evoke Hade's ire. It seemed he'd done it again. For he had now been isolated to this strange and scary place.
He was all alone. He was terrified. But there was nothing he could do. He knew if he told his father he feared being swallowed whole, the demon king would laugh at him. Call him an imbecile and order him to face his fear.
More than the fear of being eaten up, he was terrified knowing that if he was, no one would know. No one would come.
No one would help.
After the first night or day, he had asked his father to allow him to go back to his old sleeping arrangement.
Sleeping in the same room with Hypnos and Than, was familiar. Even with Hypnos' snoring shaking the roof, it was preferable to his new chambers. He didn't feel safe in his new chambers.
His father towered over him from his giant desk. He scoffed at Zagreus. As though he had made the most ridiculous request he'd ever heard. He didn't even bother to look up from his ever growing pile of paperwork.
"You are the prince of this house boy, not a flailing newborn. And as the heir to the house you must have a place within it."
His hand flew across the scroll. The rings on his huge fingers glinted menacingly. His hands were enormous. Every movement of the quill belied how much strength those hands concealed.
Despite how enraged he got with Zagreus, his father had never hit him. But during those moments of anger - whenever Zagreus said or did something his father found truly agregus, he would slam his giant fist into the table, or wall, or whatever was around. As if to remind the boy of how easy it would be to hurt him if he ever felt like it.
His father continued. "Consider, that your presence has impact. You may believe you are welcome to reside with Thanatos and Hypnos. But they too have a purpose within this house. Your antics distract them from that purpose."
Hades finally looked down at his son. " I would advise, boy, that you think less on your whims and more on how your actions inconvenience those around you.You are dismissed." He returned to the scroll.
And that was that.
Zagreus didn't understand his father's reasoning. Despite his words, the small demi-demon did feel like a 'flailing newborn'. Helpless, scared, and lacking the words to express his concerns, abstract as they were.
It was funny to think that back then he thought his lack of words was the problem. He had really believed that if he could make his father understand him, it would fix things.
His mistake wasn't just thinking his father didn't understand. His mistake was thinking he cared.
He'd long since realized there was no arguing or reasoning with Hades. His will was finite.
The chambers belonged to Zagreus now and forevermore.
That day, he decided that it couldn't be too awful living in the courtyard. He liked training, the benches were comfortable enough, and at least Achilles didn't seem to mind his presence. Even if he did he was under contract so ...
By the time Zagreus was an adolescent, he had learned to love his bed chamber.
It took a while, but he found he could stand to be in it if it didn't feel so vastly, overwhelmingly empty.
So he had filled it up.
He had filled it to the point where he could no longer see the imposing edges of the four walls. He could no longer see the wide expanse of the floor either, for all the treasures he'd covered it with.
He learned how to make the chamber smaller and compact. How to make it safe.
At first, the chamber had represented all his father's impositions on his life.
It was a trap. A space where one wrong step would encarcerate him. But his father had also been clear that it was his space. And that was really what changed his perspective on it. Slowly, Zagreus tried to make his space feel real. And slowly, day by day. It transformed from a monster, ready to consume all that he was. To the vault that protected all that he was.
He had filled the room with his treasures. Things that made him feel whole. Things he could almost say made him feel happy. The chamber was so full that even if it had been the maw of a titan, it was too overstuffed with Zag's treasures and keepsakes to bite.
It had started with a few insignificant nick-nacks he fished out of the Styx. Relics from the surface. Than had told him they were junk. Just things people no longer wanted, or could no longer keep. Essentially litter. But to him they were precious.
The fact that so many of the items had been abandoned made him want them even more. Each item was unique and interesting. They all had a history that he wanted to know about. He wanted to give these things a home. He wanted to possess them.Having his own possessions made him feel secure and gave him confidence.
This room that once terrorized him was now one of the few places in the house he didn't feel scared. He could just be in here, surrounded by his fascinations and no one would bother him. It was his castle, his home, his safety.
His father never came into his chambers. Honestly, his clear aversion to it was the main reason Zag could feel comfortable there.
But like every other time when Zag had started to feel comfortable in his surroundings, his father would remind him how fragile his comfort truly was.
That day or night, Zagreus was summoned to his father's chambers. He wasn't allowed into them under any other circumstances, so he knew whatever the reason for the summons, it was bad.
His fears were instantly confirmed when he saw the look on his father's visage.
Hades stood in the center of the room, his arms folded over his massive chest. He glared down at Zagreus.
Zagreus wasn't a child anymore. He wasn't yet an adult either but for his age he was still very small for a demon. Hades stood half a body taller than any full blood demon. So Infront of his father, under his searing gaze, Zagreus felt miniscule.
"Do you know why I have summoned you?"
Zagreus shook his head.
"You will speak when you are spoken to boy. How many times must I reiterate this?"
"No, father." If Zagreus could shrink back into his own shadow he would
"Tell me boy, what do you think this is?"
Hades gestured vaguely around them.
"This - is your bedchamber?"
"Correct. Do you happen to notice anything different from the state of my chambers as opposed to the pigsty you have made of yourown?"
Ah. So that was what this was.
Zagreus tensed. Not daring to meet Hade's eyes.
"I - I do not."
"You do not?" Hades laughed at him. It was a cruel mocking laugh. No joy in it at all.
"Are you saying you do not think there is anything wrong with the state of your chambers? Speak up."
Zagreus clenched his fists so hard he felt the skin of his palms sting from the bite of his nails. He released slightly, knowing things would get worse for him if he exposed his "unsightly red blood" infront of his father.
Zagreus could feel the tremble in his voice.
"I do not think there is anything wrong with the state of my chambers. I am the only one permitted to look at them." He exhaled.
"You are an impertinent oaf."
It wasn't by any means the worst his father had ever called him. But it stung all the same.
"Do you perhaps think it is the custom of this house for a prince to act like a pig?".
Zagreus glared at the floor, trying to ignore the sting in his eyes. If he thought bleeding in front of Hades would make things worse, crying would make things catastrophic. Though the latter was so much harder to control.
"What does it matter? I'm the only one who goes in there" He muttered to the floor.
"You are an imbecile." Hades growled. "The room you were given in this house was an honour bestowed upon you. Though it is clearly wasted on such a spoiled brat."
Zagreus was trying and failing to control his breathing. He repeatedly clenched and unclenched his fists to try and ground himself. He could feel himself shaking. He knew Hades could see it too.
His father sized him up in a glance.
"Truly pathetic. You know not the blessings you have here. I would instruct the house custodian to address the chaos you have made of your bedchamber but that should be your responsibility."
Hades walked past him, to the door.
"You will not be an ingrate boy. I will not allow it. You may wish to live as a filthy animal, but you are the prince of the Underworld, and you will act like it.
Return to your chambers now, and clean up your mess. Now get out"
With that Hades left him.
Thankfully the one place Zagreus wanted to be right now, was exactly where he'd been ordered to go.
He wasted no time hurrying back to his sanctuary. He had to hide. Had to make sure no one saw him like this. A trembling mess, about to implode. He had to maintain his composure.
When he arrived back in his room. What he saw there made him lose all illusion composure.
To his horror, it seemed his father had already ordered Dusa to tidy up for him, while he was away. Likely recognizing that he would never do it himself even if it meant never leaving his chambers again.
She probably didn't even realise what she'd done. What she'd destroyed. She had probably done it with the same efficiency she tidied the rest of the house..
His treasures : The collection of model cyclops skulls; His chests of broken armour pieces Than had gotten him; His books from the surface; His torn posters. The lyre he was going to mend. All gone. The only things that made him feel safe were gone.
The room was as bare as the first day or night he'd been banished to it. Here he was again, in the huge, uncaring Titan's maw. Everything he was, was gone, swallowed whole.
He couldn't take it.
He couldn't bare to look at it.
He couldn't get away from it.
He was stuck in it.
He supposed it was a blessing that Nyx was the one who eventually came to find him. If it had been Than or Meg...
He didn't want to think about that.
How could he even begin trying to explain this to them.
God's he couldn't even justify this to himself.
He wasn't a damned child anymore! Yet he still couldn't control his thrice damned emotions.
Perhaps Hades was right about him. He was just a spoilt, ungrateful prince. Throwing a literal tantrum over losing a few pieces of asinine junk. How juvenile.
How pathetic.He was pathetic.
He couldn't look at himself.
Not just because of how disgusting he was right now - arms and legs covered in bites and scratches and his own abhorrent red blood. But because at some point during his meltdown he'd smashed the mirror. It was the only thing left on the wall.
Now he lay on the charred carpet. He had accidentally ignited it in his rage. Broken glass was strewn about the floor.
He had pushed the bed over to one corner, before curling himself up in the opposite corner, as far away from it as he could physically be.
It was so shameful. What he was doing right now was so shameful, and pathetic.
He needed distraction. Needed some way to vent his frustration. He wanted to dull the pain. Needed to feel pain.
He just wanted things to feel right again. Nothing would ever feel right again.
He knew he was overreacting."Do you perhaps think it is the custom of this house for a prince to act like a pig?"
He knew he'd eventually tire himself out and wake up tomorrow feeling embarrassed about his antics. And the world would go on as always.The damn world was falling apart.
He knew nothing was really wrong. Wrong, it's all wrong, everything's wrong!
He wanted to tear out his wrongness. He wanted to tear off his cursed flesh, and boil away his disgusting blood. Shut up! Shut up!
He wanted.
He wanted.
"Oh, my poor child."
Zagreus curled deeper into himself away from Nyx. He choked down a sob. He didn't know how much time had passed since he had gone to see his father. Clearly too much time.
Nyx thankfully didn't come near him. He guessed she was surveying the damage.
He didn't want her here. Didn't want her to see his shame. He hoped she would leave.
It was silent for so long Zagreus thought she must have done just that. The only sounds were his erratic breathing, and sniffling.
Then suddenly she was beside him with a wet towel and several handkerchiefs. She didn't make him use them - just put them down by his head and backed off.
He didn't know what to make of her behaviour, but he was glad she wasn't trying to touch him right now. In this state, a hug wasn't what he needed.
Than had tried once - to hug him when he was having a meltdown. Zagreus had nearly burnt off his arms. He'd thankfully gotten away with only some singed feathers.
What a screwup monster, he couldn't even be comforted correctly.
He couldn't see Nyx, but he suspected she was still there. If she was, she was giving him space, and he was relieved for that. That she somehow knew.
He didn't want comfort right now, he just wanted ... He didn't know what he wanted. He wanted to not feel like this, but also wanted - or needed to feel like this, if he was ever going to feel better.
God's what was wrong with him?
A lot of time must have passed like that. Him snivelling in the corner while Nyx... Was there. It might have been hours...
Eventually, he felt himself burning out. His breathing became more regular and his tangled half-formed thoughts became more coherent.
At some point he was able to grab the wet towel and use it to wipe his face. He was still breathing hard and he felt dizzy, but the cool damp cloth felt refreshing on his overheated skin.
He sat up to blow his nose. Crying was awful. It made him feel like he'd been punched in the face.
He raised his swollen eyes to see Nyx standing by his bed. She wasn't looking at him. She was looking at the broken mirror.
She didn't seem upset.
He cleared his throat, and she tilted her head towards him.
"I - I'm sorry Nyx."
He didn't know what else to say.
She nodded. Turning back to the remnants of the mirror.
"You need not apologise child. I understand you have not been having an easy time of late. In fact, I feel your father is the one who has crossed a boundary here."
He thought he heard distain in her voice.
Strange. She was normally in agreement with his father on matters concerning the house. He couldn't remember ever seeing her dissatisfied, at least not with Hades.
"Tell me child. Does this - " she gestured to him, to the state of him.
"occur often, when you are upset."
It wasn't accusatory but Zagreus felt ashamed nonetheless.
"I - it happens on occasion, yes."
He tried to muster up his normal chuckle. To convince her he would be fine. That this wasn't a big deal.
"I'm sorry you had to see this Nyx. It's really not becoming. I promise I'll work harder."
To his dismay Nyx frowned.
"Child, I do not place blame on you. We all have much stress to attend to. And we all find ways to manage that stress. But you dear child - have not been given any guidance on these matters."
"Uh - Okay?" He wiped his face again. "Sorry, I do appreciate the advice Nyx. And you making sure I'm okay. But - I can handle this much."
"What, can you handle my child?"
"I - Sorry?"
"What, is it that you say you are able to handle? What caused you to be so upset? I do not mean to pry, but in understanding what caused this, I may be better equipped to help."
Zagreus turned away, a bit annoyed despite himself. He knew Nyx just wanted to help but it was an instinctual response.
"Really, Mother Night, I am fine. I do not require your help...but thanks."
He hoped the use of her title would make her realise he didn't want to discuss this further.
She nodded.
"Very well child."
Thank the gods.
"Tell me, have you ever practiced breathing?"
Too soon to thank the gods then.
"I - what? Yes. I mean. Kind of. I do breathing exercises as part of training with Achilles. It's for stabilizing the body while executing tactical forms, or something."
"I see. This is good."
"What? What is good?"
"The training you do with Achilles is something you enjoy, yes?"
"Um, yes. Look Nyx, again I'm f-"
Nyx held up a hand.
"Child, I wish for you to do me a favour. I do not foresee you enjoying what I will ask of you, however if you comply, I swear, I will help you restore your chambers to how they were, and make sure that no one ever disrupts this boundary again.
"Er...Okay?"
Nyx smiled warmly. " I would like to offer you my own training. It can be alongside Achilles' if you wish or alone. I wish to teach you how to quiet your thoughts before they get out of hand.
Will you do me this favour Zagreus, my child?"
Zagreus looked at the floor. He was exhausted. He wanted to bathe and Nyx was right he really didn't want to learn how to breathe or whatever. But...he her. He trusted her more than anyone in this house.
Slowly he nodded.
"Thank you child."
"Um...Yeah - sure."
Nyx smiled at him reassuringly. " I must return to my post child. You seem somewhat better than earlier and I trust you will take care of yourself in my absence."
He nodded again, Turning slightly to conceal the worst of the self inflicted wounds on his forearm.
"I will. Thank you mother Night."
Nyx nodded. "We will begin training tomorrow then. When you return to your chambers. I shall be waiting." With that she vanished in a cloud of darkness. Leaving Zagreus standing awkwardly amidst the remnants of his havoc.
When Zagreus had reached adulthood. He realised he needed to leave.
At that point he spent over 90% of all his free time in his bedchamber. And he had nothing but free time now.
He was fired from administrative duty, less than a day into the job. At first he was upset. He hadn't received any formal training. Nor any documents that might have helped him learn what the job entailed. Yet his father expected him to perform perfectly without guidance on his first attempt. Really it was clear he'd never had a chance. It was all for show, and Hades has dismissed him in just a few hours.
Why had he expected any other outcome?
After that he spent time in his room with his treasures. Nyx, true to her word, had recovered every item as though they had never been lost. She had even replaced his mirror with one she'd imbued with night. She'd told him he could use the mirror to develop himself, and grow stronger. He was very grateful for it. Though he doubted he'd need physical strength to work in admin.
Stranger still, his father never mentioned his chambers again. It was as though the whole incident had never occured.
But Nyx knew. Nyx had seen him that day. She had taken him for breath training and meditation every day after the incident.
He found those times with her, surprisingly enjoyable. They were calm. No one disturbed them, and Nyx never pushed him farther than he was willing to go. The methods he learned from her helped him feel some stability in his mental state. He wasn't perfect. He still had bad days and awful days. But he could control himself a bit more. Could curb the worst of a bad episode.
One day, just before he was to start his designated job as an administrator, Nyx asked him a question.
"Zagreus, child?"
"Hmm?" Zagreus opened one eye. They'd been meditating on his chamber floor.
"Are you happy here?"
Zagreus opened the other eye. Nyx was looking at him. As always her gaze was thoughtful but void of judgement..
" Yes, Of course I'm happy Nyx. I have you spending all this time with me. I have a duty now so I won't be bored, and I have Thanatos and Megaera. How could I not be happy?"
Nyx shook her head.
"No child. I mean are you happy here."
"I don't understand?"
"You have lived in this house your entire life. You do not know of any life other than this. Do you believe that there might be another way for you to live other than this?"
"Nyx I still don't understand. Yes I've only ever lived this life, but its my life. Why would I consider another?"
"You are correct and there is no reason. The fates can be vague at times. I have felt of late that you are maturing, and I feel you will soon reach a crossroads. I wished only to let you know that should you come to that point, I will support you in whatever decision you make."
Zagreus still didn't know what Mother Nyx was on about. But at the time he'd simply shrugged it off. Though when they finished their session - she'd moved in close and hugged him. He hugged her back, slightly surprised.
It was by no means unwelcome, but it did confuse him a bit. She hugged him like how Than hugged him when he knew his work on the surface would have him too busy to see Zagreus again for a long while.
"Nyx, are you going somewhere?"
"No my child. I will be here as always. However, our training is complete. I feel we need no longer do our daily sessions."
"Oh." Despite himself Zag felt a bit sad. He hadn't wanted this training at first but he'd grown to value his one on one time meditating with mother Nyx. It had felt special.
"I won't lie. I think I'll miss our sessions Nyx. But I understand. You're busy and I will be too soon enough. I suppose - I want to say thank you for everything. You've really helped me."
Nyx smiled. "You are welcome child. And know that I am so proud of you."
Zagreus smiled. But there was an inexplicable ache in his heart. It wasn't like they wouldn't see each other anymore. Nyx's post was literally right outside his chamber entrance. But - Somehow, it felt like they were saying goodbye.
By the next day Zag was back in his chambers. He'd been fired and now he didn't know what to do with himself.
He'd been doing his anxiety ritual every day. Sometimes 3 - 4 times a day. Take out each item from his drawer of keepsakes. Place each upon the bed and recite the brief of it's origin. Place the items back in the case.
For some reason. The ritual wasn't working. He found himself as wound up as when he started.
He began thinking on Nyx's words. Was he happy here? From one perspective, yes he supposed he was. He was provided for. He had his friends and his lovers. He had his loved ones...
From another perspective. Outside of this room, these things he had nothing. He was nothing. What more harm could he do?
He pondered for days. He even tried to broach the subject of his purpose with Than but it was clear he didn't understand.
"Why would you want to be around mortals? I mean I'm around them constantly and I can assure you it's as irritating as one would expect."
He thought about talking to Meg about it. But - They haven't been on speaking terms lately. He'd said some things to her after he was fired. Some things he wasn't proud of. And well... She knew she deserved better.
Quite some time had passed when Zagreus finally knew he had to leave. It wasn't like something significant happened or something changed.
He'd merely been doing his anxiety ritual again, when he realised that by his count he had done this ritual 126 times since the last time he'd left his chambers. It struck him then, just how much of his life was just - this
Over and over, day after day. This wasn't a life at all. This was like what Sisyphus and Prometheus were cursed to do. Everyday, non -stop over and over.
But he wasn't like them. He wasn't being punished. He was choosing to do this. Choosing to be a prisoner here in his room.
At that moment. Zagreus knew he had to leave. If he didn't this would be his life and if that were the case he might as well be dead.
Between spending the rest of his immortal life doing this, and spending it fighting his way up through the underworld for the glimmer of hope he might make it - It was a painfully easy decision.
It was astonishing really. Just how easy it was for him to go after he came to his realisation.
For all the time his father spent telling him that he could never leave the house. Would never survive past the front gates. All the time he chose to never leave his room - leaving was so easy.
There was no elaborate escape plan. No plan at all really. He simply picked up Stygius, his bequeathed sword, put on some light leg armour and jumped out the back window simce his room had no doors.