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Jayce has always been one to bottle up his feelings. He doesn’t really know why, but he supposes that he just doesn’t want to burden others with whatever he’s dealing with.
It’s the end of autumn and Piltover has had a near record snowfall. Ice paints the windows and the ground outside the academy, making it dangerous to walk on any surface that isn’t inside the building. Snow covers the expanse of the city, making the air freezing. Jayce has cooped himself up in the lab, because he really, really, does not want to go outside.
He blames his mood on the season, the early snow, the cold air. Which is partially true, but it’s mostly about the council. Full of ignorant pricks who seem to think the world revolves around them, it’s taking so much out of him not to off on them at every meeting. They have no respect for those in the Undercity either, which is most of the reason why Viktor doesn’t get invited to attend. It has Jayce frustrated to no end, not to mention the extremely short deadlines they’ve insisted on giving him for projects. It seems as though he council has no idea what actually goes on in the lab, nor do they understand the amount of time he realistically needs to get all of their demands met, even with two people.
Viktor isn’t ignorant, but he’s got far more important projects to finish and work to do than deal with Jayce’s hurt feelings. Feelings that really aren’t Viktor’s problem, he didn’t do anything that made the other man feel this way. And it makes Jayce feel guilty that Viktor has to deal with him right now, because Jayce is hardly getting any work done anymore. His glazed over eyes scan his notebook and sketches but he doesn’t really process it.
Another thing about Jayce is the fact that he’s always extremely touch-starved. He tends to cling to the closest person to him, which just so happens to be Viktor most of the time. Jayce is well aware that the other man doesn’t reciprocate his hugs or just touching in general, but it never really bothered either of them. Though, over the past weeks, Jayce has noticed that Viktor seems to be avoiding him. He always stands just far enough away from Jayce. He’s been leaving the lab early and showing up late. Jayce has chalked most of it up to stress, the council has taken a toll on both of them. Although, he can’t help to creeping feeling that he’s done something terribly wrong.
He’s always thought like that whenever someone’s behavior changes in the slightest. Viktor’s sarcastic personality doesn’t make his worries ease in the slightest. Also, it’s not like Jayce can go up to Viktor and ask him what he did wrong, he’d risk ruining something that may have not been broken in the first place.
In fact, it seems as though everyone in his life has been distant as of late. Mel, like him, is wrapped up with the council. It’s clear that it’s causing her a great deal of stress, but Jayce just can’t find the right way to approach her. Caitlyn is always busy due to her enforcer training. She, like Viktor, doesn’t have time for Jayce’s problems. So, he’s alone.
“—ayce?” Viktor’s voice snaps at him, breaking him out of his trance, “Have you been listening to anything I’ve said?” There’s an obvious edge of annoyance in his tone.
“Uh— yea.” Jayce mumbles, trying to hide the embarrassment of being called out.
“The council timelines are ridiculous.” Viktor huffs, writing some formula on their shared chalkboard. Jayce doesn’t pay attention to what is being written, he can’t.
”I know, right?” He chuckles, but he’s so bad at pretending to be normal.
“Could you perhaps talk to them about it?” Viktor asks, sitting down in his stool, arms resting on his crutch.
‘Great,’ he thinks to himself, ‘just another thing I have to do.’
“I can try..” Jayce replies hesitantly, he knows the council won’t listen.
”Thank you, Jayce.” He gives the other man a slight smile, grabbing his satchel from the table. Jayce knows he’s going to leave.
The sun has barely set outside and Viktor is already aching to leave? They used to stay up in the lab until midnight usually, pulling all-nighters at least once a week. It was their way of bonding. But their time together seems to be waining, everyday it feels as though they spend less and less time together. Jayce finds it strange, but he doesn’t press the issue.
”Viktor,” Jayce starts before he can stop himself, “Are you alright?”
The other man raises an eyebrow as he stands, as if finding the question unreasonable to ask, “Of course I am.”
“Right— right, good-“ He mumbles, because he really doesn’t know what else to say.
Viktor places his bag over his shoulder, which is filled with notebooks and loose-leaf sketches. He makes his way towards the door before Jayce can say anything else stupid.
“Goodnight, Jayce.” He bows his head slightly, opening the lab door.
“Yea—, goodnight,” Jayce nods, he can’t help the sinking feeling of disappointment that sets in, “See you tomorrow.”
Viktor slips out the door without another word. Finally, Jayce is really alone. Which is more of a curse than anything, because Jayce can’t stand being alone with his thoughts. The sudden silence rings in his ears, he attempts to cover them in order to stop it, but it only serves to make it worse. After a moment, he throws his head back dramatically and groans, he’s exhausted. He pinches the bridge of his nose as he leans back into his chair. He’s trying to ground himself, because he knows where this leads, but he can’t get his footing.
Jayce closes his eyes and, for a moment, he’s back in an old memory. He’s so close to that ledge again. The crumbled ground below looking at him tauntingly, egging him on. He takes a deep breath in— he’s ready. And the moment he’s about to finally commit, Viktor’s voice echos around him. Except, when Jayce open his eyes, Viktor isn’t there, and Jayce is pathetically alone, in his lab.
Tears that he didn’t realize were forming in his eyes are falling onto his cheeks. He swallows thickly, choking back a sob. He doesn’t want to make the entire academy aware that he’s hit his breaking point. He looks down only to realize his body his trembling, he feels so small.
The silence is so loud in his ears, his breaths are quickening at a rapid pace, leaving him choking on air. Every sensation, the clothes on his skin, the touch of the wooden workbench under his hands, sends electrified sparks across his body. It’s uncomfortable, it’s his own torture. He feels trapped.
He’s trying desperately to calm himself down, grabbing at his forearms. He drags his fingernails across the skin, leaving angry, red marks in their wake. The pain of it doesn’t register in his brain. Sobs wrack his body but he barely notices, he can’t focus on much of anything. He’s reaching out, begging, for someone that isn’t there, no one is there. Viktor isn’t going to waltz back into the room like his knight in shining armor. He’s not going to hold Jayce, tell him everything will be ok, kiss him and magically make everything better.
Jayce is a grown man, he shouldn’t be acting like this.
By now, he’s pathetically gasping for air, his body trembling with each sob that forces more air out of his lungs. His body aches with the effort, but he can’t get a good enough grip on himself to control it. He constantly feels on the verge of passing out.
He remembers a technique he’d been given years ago, a sort of breathing exercise. Through the haze of desperation, Jayce attempts it.
In, hold, out. His body is still trembling, his thoughts are moving at a million miles an hour. In, hold, out. Tears pour down his face, but he really can’t register it. In, hold, out. He’s finally able to feel the dull ache in his arms. In, hold, out. His breathing is shaky, but he doesn’t feel as though he’s about to go unconscious. In, hold, out. He brings a hand up to wipe the tears from his eyes. In, hold, out. He’s a bit more stable.
Jayce brings his arms to rest on the workbench, laying his head on top. He’s still a bit shaky— but it’s miles better than before. He’s utterly exhausted, sleep is making his eyelids heavy. Jayce momentarily glances outside, it’s well past dark. He hopes sleep could clear his head.
He wishes Viktor were there. He misses his infectious laughter, his charming smile, his sassiness. He wished Viktor could save him from whatever mess he’s created. But Jayce is alone, and that’s not going to change.
He doesn’t bother taking off his button-up shirt, nor his dress pants. He closes his eyes, hoping sleep will come easy to him. He knows his back will ache in the morning, but he has no energy to care.
Sleep makes his brain fuzzy, his limbs feel light. He gives in to it all. He’s finally found some sort of peace. All he can hope for now is a dreamless rest.