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Sirius finds Regulus by the Black Lake.
Since Evan confronted him in the library, he hasn’t been able to get rid of this buzzing feeling under his skin. Everything has felt so utterly and completely wrong that he’s barely been able to drag himself to classes or quidditch practises.
Knowing that he had actually scared his little brother to the point where he had retreated so far into his head that someone had to come and pull him out left Sirius feeling sick to his stomach. He didn’t say a word for the rest of that day, too busy replaying the conversation he had with Regulus over and over again, trying to find the moment when he took it too far. Because that’s what happened, right? That’s what always happens.
Sirius Black: ever the show off, the loud one, always taking things too far and he loathes himself for it. He still loves Regulus, there’s no question about that, and he still feels the overwhelming urge to protect him from any harm, but he’s just been so angry. He doesn’t know exactly when it started, only that since escaping from Grimmauld Place, looking at Regulus elicits a bone deep rage that he can’t seem to look past.
And he is angry. He is angry with his parents for being awful people, he’s angry with the world for giving him and Regulus such a terrible start in life and he is angry that Regulus didn’t leave with him that night. Logically, he knows that it’s deeper than that, but he just can’t get past it. He begged Regulus to come with him, but when it came down to it, Regulus chose their parents over Sirius.
Truthfully, it broke him. Part of Sirius died that night, he’s sure it’s still in that house with his brother. He doesn’t think it will be free unless Regulus leaves. Part of his heart belongs to Regulus, beats for him, even to this day.
That treacherous piece of his heart is probably the reason Sirius is stood where he is now, staring at Regulus’ form hunched over a book by the Black Lake. Sirius summons up every bit of Gryffindor courage and the insanity that comes with being a Black to start walking over. The closer he gets, the more he realises that the chances of this going well are next to none but also that he has to do it. There is no getting out of this.
It isn’t until he is within arm’s length of Regulus that he realises he has no idea what he is going to say. Hey, sorry I made you dissociate the other day. I really didn’t mean to, I just want to rip your head off every time I see you, but I still love you! did not seem like a sensible option.
Sirius took a steadying breath and channelled every part of James inside him that he could muster up.
“Reggie.”
Regulus immediately whips around, his wand is pointing at Sirius’ chest and he is scrambling to stand up. “Stay back.”
Sirius looks at Regulus properly in the daylight and feels his heart crack in two. He has never seen Regulus look so exhausted and frail beyond his years, yet so young. It makes him feel sick, he assumes that after he left, things were worse for Regulus, but he never stopped to think how bad they could have gotten.
“I just want to talk, okay?” Sirius puts his hands up placatingly.
“Piss off.” Regulus’ expression is stony, but the tip of his wand is shaking. Sirius knows him well enough to know his tells.
“Make me.” Regulus’ eyes widen a fraction before he scowls.
“I told you to leave me alone.”
“Yes, and I told you to make me.” Sirius watches as the cogs turn in Regulus’ head, sees the defeated look come over his features and waits until he lowers his wand.
“What do you want?” Regulus looks resigned, as if he is ready to take Sirius’ yelling once again to be rid of him.
“I came to say sorry.” The words feel like they are coated in thorns, tearing the skin inside his throat as they drag themselves from the depths of his mind and into the open.
Regulus is silent for what Sirius would call an unbearable amount of time.
“You… I don’t- You came to say… What?” Regulus looks genuinely confused.
“Sorry. I came to tell you sorry, Reggie.”
Regulus’ face loses all colour in an instant, and his wand falls out of his grasp. Regulus pays no mind to it and continues to stare at Sirius like he has grown a third head. He looks like he is about to be sick, and it suddenly catches Sirius’ attention that he is thinner than he remembers his brother being.
“I don’t get it.” Sirius’ heart splinters into smaller pieces. Regulus sounds so young, so innocent and truly lost. He takes a hesitant step towards his brother.
“I feel bad about when I yelled at you the other day. I wanted to say sorry, make sure you knew I didn’t mean what I said. I was just angry and stupid, okay?”
Regulus turns impossibly paler as his eyes scan Sirius’ face for something. He opens his mouth a few times before closing it and goes back to staring at Sirius.
“You’re sorry?” The tiredness in his tone is evident, Sirius wonders when the last time he slept properly was.
“Yes. Truly sorry.”
Regulus’ eyes slip shut for a moment and Sirius takes another hasty step forward. His arms are on Regulus upper arms in an instant, keeping him steady.
“Am I dreaming?” His voice is barely a whisper, and his eyes stay shut as he sways slightly in Sirius’ grasp.
“No, I’m right here Reggie. I’ve got you.” Sirius is way out of his depth now. This feels far too much for him to handle all at once and he tightens his grip on Regulus who opens his eyes to stare at where Sirius’ hands rest on his arms.
“No. Sirius would never do this. He hates me.” Regulus is frowning down at Sirius’ hands now and he is at a loss for words. Sirius cannot fathom the idea of Regulus thinking he hates him, so he just acts.
He doesn’t think as he pulls Regulus into his chest and wraps his arms around him. Regulus gasps softly before he all but melts into Sirius’ body. He slowly brings his arms up to rest around Sirius’ back and buries his head further into Sirius’ chest.
They stay like that for a moment and then Sirius is rubbing circles into Regulus back and kissing the side of his head as if the past two years hadn’t happened.
“You’re okay Reg, I’ve got you now. Okay? Nothing can hurt you whilst I am here.” Sirius thinks he is almost holding Regulus upright and he hasn’t said a word since Sirius embraced him.
He allows himself to breathe as he holds his little brother again and something clicks into place. Like a broken bone that hadn’t set quite right but has managed to shift back to its original place. And Sirius breathes again for the first time since he left his brother behind in that wretched house.
It takes a lot more mental strength than he was expecting to pull away from Regulus enough to look at him more closely. The dark circles under his eyes and his sickly pallor are enough to activate Sirius’ worry to a new level.
“I think we should sit down.” Regulus furrows his brows slightly in question. “You look like you’re about to pass out Reg.”
Regulus hums non-committedly before nodding.
“Yeah, I don’t feel so great.”
That’s enough for Sirius to guide him gently to the ground and sit next to him, a silent offering which Regulus takes as he rests his head on Sirius’ shoulder. He isn’t sure if Regulus does it consciously or out of instinct, but he slowly brings his arm around Regulus’ back and pulls him closer when he doesn't object. They sit there quietly as Regulus gathers his bearings. The next time Sirius glances down at him, Regulus looks significantly less ill and more like he is tired after a long day of school.
“When was the last time you slept Reg?”
Regulus laughs without mirth and a chill runs down Sirius’ spine.
“The nightmares don’t let me.”
And that? That feels like a punch to the gut.
“They wake you up?”
Regulus lifts his head off Sirius’ shoulder to glare at him.
“But your dorm mates… Surely they hear you?” Sirius remembers Regulus’ nightmares too well for his liking. The way he had to cover Regulus’ mouth to muffle his screams so their parents wouldn’t hear and sometimes even restrain him until he came back to himself. The feeling of Regulus’ little body thrashing underneath him as he begged Sirius to make it stop was something ingrained into his soul.
“Heard of a silencing charm?”
Sirius is going to throw up. He can’t even bear to imagine it.
“Reg… That’s-“
“Just stop, okay? You said your piece, so just leave me alone.” Regulus wriggles out of Sirius’ grasp and curls his knees up to his chest, resting his head on them to stare out at the lake.
“I’ve been so angry.” The words are out of Sirius’ mouth before he can think about them. Regulus doesn’t say anything. He exhales softly and carries on looking out at the lake, so Sirius continues.
“And it’s like… When I get angry I just-“ Sirius pauses, breathes and tries again. “When I’m angry, it’s like I go mad or something.” At this, Regulus turns to look at him, head still resting on his knees. “It’s like I could hurt anyone, kill anyone, and I would… I would enjoy it.”
Sirius turns to face Regulus and finds his brother looking right at him. Their eyes meet for a fleeting second and Sirius has to look down because the weight of Regulus’ eyes on him is too much to bear.
“Do you know what I mean?” A beat passes before Regulus shifts to look back out over the lake.
“Yeah.” Sirius snaps his head up to look at his brother. “Yeah, I know exactly what you mean.”
“That’s how it’s been for a long time now.”
They sit in silence for a while, Sirius keeps looking at Regulus and Regulus keeps looking at the water.
“Sometimes, you remind me of her.” Regulus visibly blanches before he turns his face away from Sirius’ gaze. Sirius has never wanted to punch himself in the face more than this moment. “No. Merlin no, Reg. Not like that.”
“Like what then?” He still isn’t looking at Sirius.
“Your eyes.” There is a hitch in Regulus’ breathing. “They’re the same colour as hers. The same shade of grey, I mean.”
When Regulus turns back to Sirius, there are tears silently running down his face.
“I know.” It sounds like the bitter acceptance of an awful truth. “Sometimes, when it’s dark and my hair is messy, I think she's there in the mirror. It freaks me out.”
“But you’re nothing like her Reggie. You know that don’t you?”
He nods and hurriedly looks away again as he wipes the tears from his cheeks, sniffling slightly.
“You are though.” Sirius nearly doubles over from the shock of it. His hands are trembling in his lap as he stares at the back of Regulus’ head.
“What?” He hadn’t noticed the ringing in his ears until he spoke, the relentless pounding of his heart had been the centre of his attention.
“Sometimes when you’re angry… It’s like you sort of become her for a second.” Sirius distantly thinks this is what will make me vomit all over the grass as he tries to ground himself. He thinks he is heaving or gasping for air when Regulus’ face takes up his field of vision.
He notices Regulus’ mouth moving but hears nothing of what he is saying, only vaguely registering Regulus’ hand on his cheek whilst the other rubs circles into his shoulder.
He tries to focus on the feeling of it, Regulus’ finger tracing patterns onto his shirt sleeve, as he attempts to regulate his breathing. Regulus’ words start filtering through the buzzing and Sirius realises he is telling a story. It takes Sirius much longer than he would admit for his breathing to return to some semblance of normality and the tiredness hits him like a train.
He slumps over, curling himself into a ball with his head tucked into his knees, as he allows his eyes to drift shut for a moment.
“Sirius?”
Oh.
“Sirius, please. I’m sorry. Please just talk to me.”
Sirius lifts his head up and finds himself a hair’s breadth from the tip of Regulus’ nose. He smiles weakly and pulls Regulus into his arms. Regulus stiffens at first and then relaxes into the embrace like it's second nature. He climbs onto Sirius’ lap and tightens his grip around him as Sirius buries his nose in Regulus’ collar.
“Salazar, I thought I had done it then.” Regulus laughs quietly but Sirius knows his brother well enough to sense the underlying anxiety in his words.
“No Reg. I’m never leaving you alone again.” He hears Regulus suck in a breath. “I missed you so much. Thank you.”
Sirius closes his eyes and whispers it to the sky.
“Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.”
He says it over and over again until the words don’t sound like words anymore and there are tears running down his face, his legs going numb from where they are twisted beneath him. He says it until his throat is dry and the wind feels colder, until the sun is surely setting, but he doesn’t care.
The world could tip on its axis or cease to exist and Sirius doesn’t think he would move a muscle because he just got his little brother back. And he would never let go of him again.