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Evan didn’t notice it at first. He was so relieved to have Barty back and out of the control of the curse that he didn’t realise how subdued Barty had become. It started small: Barty zoning out halfway through a conversation or missing a few details here and there in classes, but it always seemed too small to bring it up. Barty was tired anyway and Evan didn’t want to overwhelm him with his own anxieties, so he didn’t say anything.
Evan sorely regrets his decision now as he looks at Barty, who is nodding off in his chair. Evan knows that he hates being vulnerable in public, for him to be falling asleep in the library of all places, he must have not slept well for a while. Barty’s head eventually drops onto Evan’s shoulder, and Evan wraps an arm around his waist to stop him falling off the chair. They stay like that until Regulus arrives, presumably to join them so they would actually study instead of making out.
“What’s going on with him?” Regulus looks mildly horrified when he sees Barty. “Did you two not sleep or something?”
“That’s the thing, he fell asleep so quickly last night because he was exhausted.” Regulus’ frown deepens at this. “Maybe he woke up? But he would wake me up if that happened. I don’t know what’s wrong.”
“He’s probably just tired from being under the curse for so long. Dark magic is difficult to fight. Right… Ev?” Regulus sounds like he barely believes himself. Evan raises an eyebrow to convey his scepticism which earns him an eye roll.
“I know Reg. It’s just I can tell you’re not convinced by what you’re saying so-“
“You’re right.”
The silence seems to envelope them like a thick fog. Evan can just about hear Barty’s breathing through it and the sound slightly eases the worry that’s choking him. It’s been eating him from the inside since Barty boarded their carriage on the Hogwarts Express after Christmas with a haunted look in his eyes. Evan was naïve enough to think it would relent after they broke the curse’s control over Barty, but with the changes in his behaviour it has steadily grown again. It feels like tar building up inside his organs and Evan is sure it is turning his insides black.
Looking into Regulus’ eyes, Evan sees his own fear mirrored in his face and feels less insane.
“I’m scared Ev.” It’s barely a whisper but he hears it loud and clear.
“Me too.” He feels as though he has borne his soul to Regulus with those two words.
“What if we can’t help him with this? I don’t think it’s something we can spell away.”
“That’s what I’m most afraid of.”
Their conversation abruptly stops as loud voices travel down the column of bookcases. Regulus flinches as the sound of his brother’s voice reaches them. He looks at Evan with a pained expression which is quickly replaced with a blank mask as the footsteps get closer.
“I’ll deal with them.” Regulus is turning around before Evan can object. He remembers the last time the brothers spoke to each other; it ended with Regulus dissociating badly.
“Well, what have we here?” Sirius’ voice is mocking. Evan doesn’t remember him sounding so cruel when they were kids and it’s jarring, he can only imagine what it’s doing to Regulus’ head. He catches James’ eyes and gives him a death glare which he can only hope conveys his message to go away clearly.
“Be nice, Sirius.” To Evan’s surprise it’s the Lupin boy who interjects. “He is still your brother.”
“He is no bro-“
“That’s enough, Padfoot.” Evan can see Regulus clenching his fist at his sides, probably digging his nails into his palms.
Sirius is glaring at Regulus over James’ shoulder and Evan really wants to punch him in the face. Barty lifts his head off Evan’s shoulder which makes him realise how hard he was squeezing Barty’s waist over the course of this interaction. He loosens his grip immediately but keeps his hand where it is, hoping Barty gets the message to keep his words to himself.
“Let’s go, we need to find somewhere quiet to study.” Lupin grabs Sirius’s hand and all but drags him away with Pettigrew in tow. James glances back and sends an apologetic look to Regulus before walking off with his friends.
Regulus doesn’t move and Evan wants to rip Sirius to pieces.
“Ev, what happened?” Barty’s voice pulls Evan away from his murderous fantasies so he can go to Regulus. He is up and walking towards Regulus in a second.
“That stupid wretched toad. Who does he even think he is? Talking to you like that.” Evan takes in Regulus’ sad eyes. “I have half a mind to spell his mouth shut so he can never utter another word. I swear to Sala-“
Regulus almost falls into Evan, wrapping his arms around the other boy. It takes Evan a moment to reciprocate the hug because of how shocked he feels. Over Regulus’ shoulder, he catches Barty’s worries face and mouths, later.
Barty nods and starts throwing all their stuff into Evan’s bag. Regulus still has a death grip around him and Evan can feel him shaking in his arms. It only fuels his anger.
“Let’s go back to the dorm, we can study there too.” Barty is staring at Regulus with a heartbreakingly fond expression on his face. “C’mon Reginald.”
This drags a small laugh out of Regulus who slowly pulls away from Evan to face Barty, who smirks and pokes his cheek.
“Smile Black, it makes you look irresistible.” Regulus punches him in the arm, and they start walking out of the library. Evan sees Sirius and his friends in the corner of his eye and the anger that had settled in the back of his mind came back.
“You guys go on. I need another book for that Defence essay, and I don’t want to come back here tomorrow.” Barty sends him a questioning look but throws his arm around Regulus’ shoulders and keeps walking anyway.
Once he is sure they are down the corridor, or at least far away enough not to hear anything, Evan turns on his heel and makes a beeline straight to where Sirius and his friends are sitting.
“A word, Black.” Sirius looks up at him and scoffs.
“What do you want, Rosier? Is Reggie so incapab-“
Evan grabs Sirius’ tie and has him pinned to the wall before anyone can react.
“Watch your mouth Black. I will cut your tongue out of your mouth and watch you bleed on the floor.” Sirius’ eyes widen a fraction before he regains his cocky façade and scowls.
“Let him go.” Lupin’s voice is more of a growl.
Evan huffs and takes a step back, turning slightly so he can see all four of them.
“Stay away from Regulus.” Evan is ready to draw blood. He can feel his magic thrumming in the air around him, pulsing to the beat of his too-fast heart.
“Oh, and what are you? His keeper? His brother?” Sirius takes a small step closer. “You can tell him I despise him.”
Evan catches James’ wounded expression before he is slamming Sirius back into the wall. He sees Lupin stand in his peripheral vision and watches as Sirius lifts a hand, probably to tell him to back off.
“If you ever make him dissociate like that again I will-“
“What?” Sirius’ careless demeanour has been replaced by something frantic, if Evan didn't know better he would say he was worried.
“Don’t pretend you wanker! You knew what you were doing when you shouted at him.” Evan gives Sirius another shove before he turns to leave when someone grabs his arm and yanks him back. Suddenly, Sirius’ concerned face is taking up his view and he is being pushed into a bookcase.
“When was this? Who hurt him?” Evan starts laughing, he isn’t sure why, but this seems to worry Sirius further. “Just tell me!”
“You!” Evan practically yells this. “You fucking did! That day when you two spoke in the corridor and you told him to stay away from Potter. I found him, Salazar only knows how longer after, out of his fucking head.”
“No. You’re lying. Reg-“
“Shut up! You are so oblivious to anything but your own pain!” Evan can see tears glistening in Sirius’ eyes.
“He chose to stay. He chose to-“
“Shut up! Okay? Just shut up! If that’s what you really believe, then you’re more stupid than I thought you were.”
“Stop insulting me and fucking talk. What do you mean I hurt him?”
Evan frowns momentarily as he notices the seemingly genuine fear in Sirius’ eyes.
“That day when you yelled at him in the corridor, he… I don’t know. He just froze and I found him there. I don’t know how long he was there.”
“Froze?”
“It’s like he goes somewhere else in his head. It happens when he’s scared or stressed. Like when he comes back every holiday or when someone shouts too loudly.” Evan gives Sirius an accusatory look.
“You’re lying. He loves it in that stupid house.”
“He doesn’t. He doesn’t and you know it. They use unforgivables on him too. You were fucking there.” The anger is bubbling back up in Evan’s chest.
“He’s an idiot then. He should have come with me when I left.”
“It’s not that simple.”
“Yes, it is! It always has been. He chose to stay. He chose it. It’s not my fau-“
“Fucking hell, Black. Let me go. I’m done with you and your pathetic excuses.”
Evan shoves Sirius back harshly and he bumps in the table behind him, Lupin steadies him and shoots a vicious look at Evan who returns the sentiment. Evan storms off and makes it halfway down the corridor before a hand on his shoulder stops him.
“Evan, wait.” He turns to see James Potter’s stupid face. He notices James’ hands shaking and feels slightly guilty for how public he made that display.
“James, I don’t have the strength for this right now, okay? Let me go before I do something I regret, yeah?” Evan pats his arm in what he hopes is a comforting manner.
“I didn’t know he did that okay. I would’ve said something straight away if I did.” Evan has to close his eyes to compose himself before he does something embarrassing like smile because of the sheer amount of love in James’ voice. If nothing else, he knows Regulus will always have James.
“I know. I don’t blame you, not even you can control that son of a bitch.” James furrows his brows and opens his mouth, presumably to object to the insult Evan just made, but he beats James to it.
“Okay, he is traumatised but so is Reg. That day was scary, okay? Barty was still… being weird after the holidays and I had to deal with it. I was fucking clueless, and he was just stood there, staring at the wall and I didn’t know what to fucking do. I was bloody terrified and I-“
He is halted mid-sentence by James wrapping his arms gently around him. He blinks and James is running a hand up and down his back.
“I know Ev.”
Evan feels tears spring to his eyes, and he is returning the hug, silently crying into James’ chest. He mentally berates himself for weeping into his best friend's boyfriend's chest, but finds it hard to do anything except keep holding onto James.
He stays there for far too long, trying to find the will to pull away and slowly removes himself from James’ arms when he does.
“I need to go.” Evan awkwardly points in the direction of the Slytherin common room and James just smiles at him. James starts walking back to the library when Evan feels compelled to thank him. “James?”
He glances back immediately.
“Thanks.” Evan feels like he has to claw the word out of his throat but finds that it’s worth it to see James’ beaming face.
“Anytime, Ev.”
Evan takes that as his cue to walk off. The journey back to the common room is uneventful enough for Evan to cram all the unwanted emotions in his chest into a box in the back of his mind. When he makes it back to the dorm, he sees Barty and Regulus studying on the floor amidst all the clothes and books they usually have scattered around the room.
“Took your time, sweetheart.” Barty flips over to look at him and frowns. “Where is that book you were after?”
“Someone already has it.” Evan wants to kick himself for forgetting to grab anything.
“Don’t worry Ev, I started the Defence essay yesterday, and it wasn’t that bad.” Regulus looks up from the book he is reading.
“Yeah, maybe for some smart arse like you it will be.” Barty kicks Regulus’ shin and sticks his tongue out.
“You are literally taking 12 O.W.L.s, so you can shut the fuck up.”
“No need to be so rude, darling.”
“Barty-“
Evan sighs as he watches Barty pounce on top of Regulus, who starts whack his shoulder with the book he was reading.
“Get off me, you twat!”
“Make me.” Barty cackles maniacally before Regulus flips him over and is sat on his chest with his wand pointed at Barty’s neck.
“Maybe that’ll teach you a lesson.”
Evan laughs, expecting Barty to join in but he doesn’t. Evan takes in Barty’s expression: his eyes are open wide, his skin is far too pale, chest rising and falling rapidly.
“Barty?” Regulus drops his wand, and the noise makes Barty flinch. Evan starts slowly walking forwards.
“Please no. Not again, please.”
Regulus’ eyes widen in horror. He stands up and steps as far back as he can. As soon as Evan is next to Barty, he tries to get his attention.
“Fuck, Barty? Look at me.”
Barty keeps staring at something above him and breathing heavily.
“B, whatever you’re seeing isn’t real. Okay?” Evan reaches forward to grab Barty’s hand, but the movement startles him, and he curls into a ball, covering his head as if he thought Evan would hit him.
“Barty?” Regulus sounds distraught.
“Come on B, it’s not real. I promise.” Evan gently places his hand on top of Barty’s hand whose head snaps up. They make eye contact and Evan registers the moment Barty actually sees him.
“Ev?”
“Yeah, it’s me Junior.” Barty launches himself into Evan’s arms and carries on hyperventilating there, his nails digging into Evan’s skin.
“You need to breathe.” Barty starts shaking his head desperately and his grip on Evan grows tighter. “Come on Junior, with me, okay?”
Evan starts taking deep, exaggerated breaths in the hopes that Barty will follow. He also rubs his back firmly, up when he breathes in and down when he breathes out to ground him a bit more. It takes far too long for Evan’s liking, but Barty’s breathing does eventually slow down. Evan feels him gradually relaxing in his arms.
“It’s okay B. I’m here.”
Barty lifts his head off Evan’s chest and starts sobbing as soon as they make eye contact. The breath freezes in Evan’s lungs, it takes his arms too long to remember how to move before they pull Barty back into his embrace.
“Still here, Junior. It’s gonna be fine.” Barty lets out a broken noise that feels like a punch to Evan’s gut. “I’ve got you, okay?”
He presses his face into Barty’s hair and squeezes his eyes shut, finding that it eases the pain of hearing Barty fall apart in his arms.
Barty’s sobs taper off eventually into sniffles and occasional coughs. When Evan can feel his heartbeat return to normal from where they are pressed together, he creates just enough distance between them to see Barty’s face.
“Sorry.”
The word sounds wrong coming out of Barty’s mouth. Barty who never apologises for his actions, Barty who is unabashed and rude in the most inappropriate situations, Barty who does everything in his power to drive his abusive father up the wall should never be sorry for anything.
“There’s nothing to be sorry for.” Regulus’ voice sounds from behind them. Evan belatedly realises that he was just staring at Barty instead of saying anything to help.
“I ruined it, we were playing around and I fucking-“
“Shut up, B.” There is absolutely no bite behind Regulus’ words. Barty chuckles slightly before he nods at Regulus and meets Evan’s eyes again.
His eyes are red, tear marks stain his cheeks and his face is blotchy, but Evan can’t help how beautiful he finds him. He wants to curl his body around Barty to protect him from harm, he wants to rip Barty’s heart out and put it inside his own ribcage so that no one can take it from him, and he wants to kill Barty’s stupid father. Instead, he brushes a stray piece of hair out of Barty’s eyes and kisses the tip of his nose.
“You did nothing wrong Junior, you hear me?” Barty nods again. “Good.”
Evan feels like he has no idea what to do or say, he feels like a lost ship at sea, just floating around helplessly. Before he can spiral too far, Barty yawns and Evan takes this as a sign to make it his personal mission to get Barty tucked into bed as soon as possible. As much as he tried to resist and tell Evan it was too early, he was out like a light as soon as he gets into bed.
Evan lies next to him for all of five minutes before he is slowly getting up and making his way to Regulus’ bed. He pulls back the curtain to see him reading and slips under the covers next to him. He watches Regulus read for a while; he isn’t sure how much time passes but finds that it soothes his racing mind enough for him to take a proper breath in.
“Okay Ev?” Regulus finally turns to look at him.
“This is sort of a weird request; can I speak to James?” Regulus does a double take, opening and closing his mouth like a fish a few times before he answers.
“Why?”
“Well, he is very good at the whole comforting thing and I’m way out of my depth here Reggie.”
A smile tugs at the corners of Regulus’ lips.
“Yeah, you didn’t have to ask me?”
Evan sucks in a breath through his teeth and does his best pretty please expression that he stole from Pandora.
“You meant now, didn’t you?”
Evan smiles. Regulus looks like he is ready to murder him.
“I’ll send him a message on the locket for tomorrow after lessons.” Evan opens his mouth to complain but Regulus talks over him. “He has the sleep schedule of a grandpa, so he is definitely asleep by now. And I don’t think it’ll do you any good to stress about it more tonight. You need to sleep.”
Evan huffs and turns to look at the ceiling. He hears Regulus laugh quietly and shut his book before sliding further under the duvet.
“Sleep Ev. I’ll wait until you fall asleep and then I’ll go to Barty because I know what you’re thinking.” Evan has never felt so lucky to have Regulus beside him.
“Thanks Reggie.”
Evan falls asleep with thoughts racing around in his head and a French lullaby being sung under someone’s breath. It sounds like home.
-
Waking up the next morning feels like being dragged face first through a pile of nails. His head is pounding, and Evan feels tired enough to sleep through the day. Regulus drags both him and Barty out of bed, into school robes and all the way to breakfast.
Sometimes, Evan isn’t sure whether he loves Regulus or despises him.
Halfway through Defence he feels Barty tense up next to him and forces himself to actually pay attention to what their professor is saying. He glances around, trying to figure out what he’s missed and spots the words Unforgivable Curses written on the board.
He nudges Barty who snaps his head to the side. His face is pale, and his hands are balled into tight fists.
“We can leave. I’ll come up with something.”
Barty shakes his head and looks back at the board, something determined… or spiteful on his face. She spends a long time talking about why the curses are banned and the consequences for using them which Barty manages to sit through, to his credit. But, as soon as she mentions the Imperius Curse, his face blanches and he looks like he is going to be violently sick.
Evan doesn’t think, he mutters a spell under his breath and leans into Barty.
“Catch me, okay?” Barty looks confused but nods anyway.
Evan can feel the effects of the spell immediately and raises his hand as blood starts dripping out of his nose.
“Professor, my nose is bleeding, and I don’t feel well. Can I go to the Hospital Wing?”
She regards him for a second and waves her wand in his direction, the blood vanishes but more keeps pouring out of his nose. She frowns before nodding.
“Very well, be fast about it.”
Evan nods and stands up. He feels the room spin around him before he falls sideways. Barty catches him and manages to stop his head from hitting anything.
“Salazar Ev! What happened?” Barty pushes Evan’s face into his shoulder as he stands to steady him. He takes a few deep breaths so the ringing in his ears subsides enough to hear the professor.
“Mr Crouch, please accompany Mr Rosier to the hospital wing. Mr Black, please tidy up their mess.” He feels Barty nod as he all but carries him out of the classroom.
“Ev? Look at me.” They have stopped in the middle of the corridor. Barty is holding Evan up as he sways slightly, the room tilting a little too much for his liking. “What the fuck did you do Rosier?”
“It’s okay. It’ll wear off in like ten minutes.” His words are slurred. Evan feels his heart speed up and tries to swallow past the nauseous feeling clogging his throat.
“That doesn’t answer my question.”
Evan opens his mouth to answer as the full force of the spell hit him.
“I’m gonna pass out.” He mentally curses himself and Pandora for making it so effective.
Barty’s eyes widen and he works quickly to lower them down to the ground without jostling Evan too much. Barty puts him on his back and places Evan’s head on his own lap. He starts carding his hands through Evan’s hair as his vision black out.
“Ev? Can you hear me?” Barty’s voice makes it past the ringing in his ears. He still can’t see anything, so he settles for trying to lift his hand. Barty seems to get the message because a hand is holding onto his a moment later.
“One squeeze for yes and two for no, okay?” Evan squeezes his hand once.
“Can you stand?” Evan squeezes twice. He hears Barty muttering to himself as the world around him starts to come back into focus.
“Is there anything I can do?” Evan squeezes twice and blinks the fuzziness in his vision away to find Barty staring down at him intently.
“There you are.” Evan smiles, the effects of the spell are starting to weaken. The horrific dizziness is subsiding slightly.
“I’m okay Junior.” The tension seems to fall out of Barty’s frame at the sound of Evan’s voice.
“What was that, Evan?” Evan shuts his eyes, finding the corridor to be a bit too bright for his liking.
“Me and Pandora made a spell to mimic the effects of poisoning someone using Snarlaguff Pods.”
Barty waited as if he expected Evan to carry on.
“Why in Merlin’s wrinkly ball sack would you do that?”
Evan shrugs and furrows his brows slightly.
“Uh, fun? I can’t really remember what we were doing that day. It came in handy though.”
He opens his eyes to see Barty’s incredulous expression staring down at him.
“Fun? You two are fucking insane.” A beat passes. “Can you stand?”
Evan grins before nodding.
“Help me?”
“Of course, you stupid prick. Does that spell make your skull thicker or something?”
Evan shoves him and Barty cackles before helping him stand.
“Let’s go back to the dorm, I need to lie down after that stunt you pulled.”
Evan smirks as he lets himself be guided by Barty back to the dorms. Evan drops down on his bed as soon as they are in the dorm and Barty joins him.
“Are you okay now?” Barty smacks his head. “Ow! That hurts Barty.”
“Am I okay? You’re the one who was passed out in the corridor not ten minutes ago.”
“I didn’t pass out, I just needed to lie down.” Barty scoffs. “I can ask if you’re okay. I could see the lesson was getting to you.”
Barty pauses for a moment before answering with a small voice.
“Every time I think about it, I feel like I’m back there and I’m stuck under his control again. Everything felt so real even though it wasn’t, so I guess I’m just scared that none of this is real.”
Evan finds Barty’s hand and tangles their fingers together.
“You feel that?” Barty nods. “That is real. This is all real, I promise. If you’re ever confused or scared, just ask me.”
“Really? You think that’ll work?”
“Well, surely if you were under the curse and you asked that, some shit would go down right? It’s like when those muggles realised they were in a simulation, in that movie Pandora loves so much. The whole system went to crap.”
“I guess so. I never thought about it like that”
“You can’t control someone who knows they are under the mind control curse. So, if you ask me and I answer, you know it’s real. You don’t even have to ask, just squeeze my hand three times and I’ll squeeze back three times.”
“Okay, you sap.” Barty pauses. "Thank you."
Evan breathes a small sigh of relief as he curls further into Barty’s embrace. They stay that way for what Evan deems to be not long enough when Regulus bursts through the door with an annoyed expression on his face. Evan sometimes wonders if that is just his default face or something he has to actively put onto his face.
He drops their bags onto the floor and looks at Evan expectantly.
“I thought B was going to freak out and-“
“So, you thought cursing yourself would be a good idea?”
“It worked, didn’t it?”
“I’m going to strangle you.” Evan snorts and clears his throat to try and disguise it after the murderous look Regulus throws him.
“Oh, and James can meet you in the Come and Go room at seven. Don’t give him too much grief.”
“Don’t worry Reginald, I won’t kill your boyfriend.” Regulus throws a book at him.
“Ev, why are you meeting James?” Evan glares at Regulus who just shrugs, not apologetically.
“Just helping him with Arithmancy, when he tries to study with our dear Regulus, they end up snogging.” Barty cackles and Regulus throws another book which manages to hit them both.
“You need to stop that! It bloody hurts!” Regulus just smirks.
“Good.”
Evan rolls his eyes and climbs out of bed, slips his shoes on and trudges out of the dorm room. It takes him a while to find it, he always forgets if it’s the third or fourth corridor to the left on the seventh floor, but he ends up in front of a rather unassuming door.
He knocks and opens it, the sight of James Potter sprawled out on the floor with books and parchment surrounding him greets Evan.
James looks up and smiles, there is ink on his lip from where he has been resting his quill. Evan can’t stop the smile that grows on his face.
“Hey Evan.”
“James.” Evan sits on one of the sofas in the room. Everything is red and gold which makes him cringe slightly. He sees James chuckle in his peripheral vision as he packs everything away with a flick of his wand. “What were you doing? I didn’t take you as the studying kind.”
“Arithmancy. It’s in tomorrow.” Evan huffs a laugh. “Reg said you wanted to talk about something?”
“Yeah.” Evan clears his throat. “Well, you know something was up with Barty a while ago and he- he sort of has… problems now.” Evan wants to punch himself.
“Okay.” James looks entirely unphased. “What kind of problems?”
“He zones out a lot, not as bad as when Reg dissociates but he’s still unresponsive. Then there’s the… the panic attacks. He just freaks out suddenly. I don’t know what triggers it. And the nightmares too. They’ve got worse.”
“That sounds horrible.” James pauses for a moment; he looks as though he is going to say something a few times before he finally takes a breath and asks, “What can I do to help?”
Evan finds himself completely speechless. James’ kindness never ceases to amaze him, a part of him is always convinced one day he will snap at someone, but he is yet to witness that.
“Ev? You okay?” James is suddenly a lot closer, and Evan’s vision is blurry.
“I don’t know what to do.” His voice is small, and he hates how weak he sounds. “I feel so useless whenever he needs me because I don’t know how to help.”
James smiles sadly before he sits next to Evan on the sofa and brings an arm around his shoulder. Evan leans into his warmth unconsciously as he tries to shove down his emotions.
“I feel that way a lot of the time. It’s difficult… your situation I mean. It can be very overwhelming for you too. And a lot of the time I wound up feeling guilty for feeling bad because I wasn’t the one suffering.”
Evan’s breath catches slightly. He thinks James must have read his mind to know all of this. James just rubs his arm and carries on.
“You’ll learn what helps and what doesn’t, that’s just trial and error unfortunately. You could ask but I’d be surprised if Barty knows what will help. The most important thing you can do is stay calm. I know from experience that it will help the other person as well.”
“How? How can you stay calm when someone you love is suffering right in front of you?”
“Ev, I’m not a superhuman. I don’t think there’s a big secret. You just bear it, and it hurts really badly the first few times. Then it starts to hurt less, and you learn how to handle that hurt.”
“I don’t think I can do it. I’m not that strong. I’m not brave James.”
“You don’t have to be. You don’t have to be strong, that comes with time. And bravery is overrated. You just need to love, and I know that you can do that just fine.”
They sit silently for a few moments.
“I don’t think my love is the same as yours.” Evan squeezes his eyes shut at the admission.
“That’s okay. Regulus’ love is different to mine but it’s still love. It’s all the same, it’s all just love. And it makes you stronger.”
“What if it’s not enough?” It comes out as a whisper. Evan thinks those words are akin to confessing a crime. For ages he has been acutely aware that something is rotten inside of him, he knows his love hasn’t escaped the darkness he was raised with. The darkness that is carried in his blood and the coldness of his home.
“Ev… You have so much love for them. I see the way you look out for them and the way you protect them. Your love is fierce and sometimes it comes out as anger or even violence, but it’s just love. The deepest, most twisted parts of it, but it’s only love Evan. You just have to know what to do with it.”
“And what am I supposed to do with it?”
“Use it Ev, share it. Give it to the people who deserve it. It’ll help more than you think.”
“I’ve never been… I guess I’ve never been loved in that way to know.” He feels more than hears James suck in a breath at that.
“What are you talking about? You have Barty who is mad for you, Pandora who loves you so much and Regulus would literally go to the ends of the earth for you.”
“I just mean that they came along later. Not Pandora, she has always been with me. But loving comes so naturally to her it’s like she was made for it. Not like me, I think I needed to be taught, and I never was.”
“Your parents?”
“Yeah. They have only cared about their pureblood mania and keeping up the perfect image of the Rosier family. They never cared for me or Dora.”
“And let me guess, you think there is ice in your veins and that your insides are rotten? Something like that?”
Evan pulls away to give James a look of surprise.
“How did you-“
“Regulus.” He pauses. “You two have more in common than you think.”
“Clearly.” Evan hesitates for a moment. “He really thinks that? About himself I mean.”
“Crazy, isn’t it? He has so much love in him it’s practically overflowing. He just has a different way of showing it.”
“I see your point, don’t get all cocky.” James laughs, it’s bright and warm in a way Evan thinks only James can be, then gives his arm a squeeze. “Thanks James.”
“Anytime Ev.”
Evan leans back onto the sofa, turning away from where he had almost curled into James’ body to look at the ceiling.
“You know, you really are something Potter.”
James is shaking with laughter next to him and Evan just grins at the ceiling.
-
Something moves next to him in the darkness. Still half asleep, Evan rolls over to try and reorient himself. He belatedly remembers that Barty was in bed with him and sits up, yawning as he reaches for his wand.
Barty whimpers in his sleep. Evan freezes at the sound and turns to look at him, the moonlight filtering through the window is just enough for him to make out the pained expression on Barty’s face. His face is covered in a sheen of sweat and he is twisted around awkwardly in the sheets.
“No… No please…” Evan can only make out half of what Barty is saying as his breathing becomes more erratic and his movements turn frantic.
The feeling of hopelessness fills Evan again as he tries his best to think about what to do.
The most important thing you can do is stay calm.
It’s James’ voice in his head that snaps him out of his stupor and encourages him to shuffle closer to Barty.
“Junior?” He reaches out before stopping suddenly, unsure of whether to touch him or not. Barty doesn’t react to Evan’s words, just carries on muttering and writhing in his sleep.
“B? Come on love, open your eyes for me.” Evan slowly brings his hand forwards to rest on Barty’s shoulder. When he doesn’t flinch away, Evan places his other hand on Barty’s chest. He moves his hand up and down firmly, trying to wake Barty up without shaking him or startling him too badly.
Suddenly, Barty’s eyes open and he is sitting up. Evan jerks back at the sudden movement but quickly closes the gap between them by straddling Barty and holding his face.
“It’s okay Junior. It’s just me, just Evan.”
Barty’s breath is coming out in harsh pants, but he relaxes into Evan’s grip as soon as they make eye contact. Evan puts one hand on the nape of Barty’s neck and rests their foreheads together. It’s a bit too forceful but Barty’s breathing slows down almost straight away.
He sees Barty’s eyes flutter shut as he brings his arms up to rest around Evan’s waist, tracing small circles through his t-shirt.
“Thanks Rosier.”
“Shut up.”
Barty smiles, it’s only a small thing but Evan feels so much better after seeing it. Eventually Evan feels Barty’s fingers slowing down and his breathing even out. He gently moves Barty’s head to rest on his shoulder and wraps his arms around him. Evan allows himself to breathe there for a moment before he lowers Barty so he is lying down and settles next to him.
You just need to love, and I know that you can do that just fine.
A smile spreads across his face when he hears James’ voice in his head again as he drifts off to sleep.
-
A few weeks pass and Barty seems to be getting better. His laughs become louder, and his jokes become ruder as time passes. The nightmares haven’t stopped completely but the gaps between them are growing, and Evan managed to settle Barty back to sleeping peacefully instead of waking him a few nights ago which he likes to view as progress.
He hasn’t had another big panic attack, a few near misses here and there which Evan and Regulus managed to guide him through without too much trouble. So, all in all, things are looking up. Barty is finally settling back into life at Hogwarts and his relationship with Evan.
It all comes crashing down around them one morning during breakfast. They were joking and laughing, Evan threw some yoghurt at Regulus who spelled it into a ball that flew just past Evan’s face as he dodged it. Everything was normal again, until a rather unassuming owl dropped a letter in front of Barty.
Everyone freezes. Barty just stares at the letter, making no move to open it so Regulus picks it up and glances at the envelope. He visibly blanches for a moment before regaining his composure and turning to Evan.
“It’s from his father. We can’t open it here.”
Evan nods and wraps an arm around Barty’s shoulders who doesn’t react to the touch. He glances over to the Ravenclaw table where Pandora is sat, she is staring at him already. He signals to Barty with his head, and she is getting up to join them immediately. He does a quick scan of the table for Dorcas but can’t find her.
Pandora leads them to some empty Charms classroom that hasn’t been used in ages if the cobwebs are anything to go off. Evan guides Barty to a chair and kneels in front of him. It reminds him a bit too much of when Barty was still under the curse, and it makes his stomach turn.
Barty’s gaze is unfocused, and Evan feels his heart twist painfully. He takes a steadying breath before resting his hand on Barty’s thigh.
“It’s okay Barty, you’re safe now love.” He draws shapes onto Barty’s leg in the hopes that it grounds him. After a few minutes, countless reassurances from Evan whilst Pandora hums a lullaby, Barty blinks and seems to take in the room.
Evan could collapse with relief, but he smiles, hoping it doesn’t look too strained and kisses the back of Barty’s hand.
“What happened? Where are we?” Barty is looking down at Evan who opens his mouth to answer before looking to Pandora.
“Where actually are we?”
Regulus groans and Pandora’s laugh fills the room.
“Third floor and down the seventh corridor at the end. The old charms room.” Pandora supplies easily as she runs her fingers through Barty’s hair.
“As for what happened…” Regulus steps forward and sits on the table next to Barty before holding out the letter to him.
Barty looks at it with mild disgust and something akin to fear, but it passes too quickly for Evan to decipher its meaning. He takes a deep breath before reaching out to take the letter from Regulus.
He opens the letter with shaking hands. As soon as he breaks the seal, the letter floats up and turns around. Evan would laugh at the resemblance between Bartemius Crouch Senior and the letter if the situation was less tense. Barty’s father’s voice fills the room.
Dear Bartemius Crouch Junior,
You have never ceased to disappoint or surprise me and yet again, you have managed both. You have failed to live up to my standards and continue to shame my family name. I have no idea how you managed to break such a strong curse. I would be proud of you if it wasn’t for the scum that you have become.
I am ashamed to call you my son, so I will not call you that any longer. If you continue with this behaviour, I will disown you and leave you to your own devices. Maybe you can stay with one of your manic friends, seeing how that’s who you’ve chosen to spend your time with. But I’m sure even they will get sick of you eventually.
You have one final chance.
Bartemius Crouch Senior.
With that, the letter falls to the floor and the room is silent. Evan feels like his blood is thrumming in his veins. He is overcome by blinding rage and the need to end that old bastard’s life when Pandora’s voice brings his attention back into the room.
“Barty?” Evan turns back to look at him and sees the blank expression again. He is staring at where the letter is on the floor.
“Hey Junior? Don’t disappear on me again, you idiot.” Evan sits up and brings his face right in front of Barty’s. “Come on B. You’re stronger than this. He doesn’t deserve you, okay? He never did.”
Barty’s eyes remain distant, and Evan wants to scream. He climbs up and sits on Barty’s lap, their noses are touching as he rests one hand on Barty’s cheek and places the other on the back of his neck.
“Come back to me B, come on. What am I supposed to do without you?” Evan closes his eyes and the gap between them by touching their foreheads together.
After what could have been a minute or an hour, he feels Barty’s breathing stutter and Evan opens his eyes to look at him. Barty is looking right back with so much grief in his eyes that Evan thinks his heart cracked in half just from the sight of him.
“He… he doesn’t-“ Barty is cut off by a sob clawing its way out of his throat.
Evan tightens his grip on the back of Barty’s neck and kisses his forehead. He continues covering every part of Barty’s face with kisses as tears rolls down his cheeks.
“He doesn’t want me.” Barty sounds defeated. “Why doesn’t he… I’m not… Evan.” Evan stops and looks back into Barty’s eyes. There is desperation there, as if he wants Evan to take all his pain away and knows that he would do it in a heartbeat.
“I’ve got you Junior.” Another sob rips itself out of Barty and he falls into Evan’s chest, wrapping his arms around him tightly as he cries. Evan feels the force of Barty’s pain as his own and it’s like choking. “I’ll always be here to catch you.”
He feels one of Barty’s hands let go of the crushing embrace and feels it take his own hand from Barty’s cheek. Barty looks between their hands and Evan’s face as he squeezes Evan’s hand three times.
Evan feels tears sting his eyes as he squeezes back three times. Barty’s face contorts in pain or relief, Evan doesn’t know, before he collapses back into Evan’s hold and continues weeping.
Evan closes his eyes and rests his head on Barty’s shoulder as he moves his hand gently up and down Barty’s back.
They stay like that for ages: Barty curled up in Evan’s arms and Evan who is glad to hold him whilst he returns to his own body. He starts absentmindedly running his fingers through the hair at the nape of Barty’s neck as he comes down from the fear of seeing Barty so distant. He makes eye contact with Pandora who is chewing her lip. He gives her a reassuring smile and she furrows her brows slightly before glancing at Regulus who is staring at the letter as if it personally offended him.
“You should go back to the dorm together, I’ll cover for you.” Regulus is twisting his rings as he talks.
“You should probably get some rest.” Pandora is looking at Barty with worry, then she picks her bag up and glances at Regulus.
“Okay. Come on B.” Evan slowly detaches himself from Barty and helps him up. He gently brings his arm around Barty’s waist as they walk away from the classroom and towards the dungeons.
The journey feels relatively short, and they are in bed soon after leaving the classroom, Barty resting his head on Evan’s chest. They lie there whilst Evan plays with Barty’s fingers and hums a soothing tune, he remembers his mum singing when he was a child.
“I knew he hated me.” Barty’s voice sounds hoarse from crying. Evan tightens his grip on Barty’s hand. “I guess I just didn’t expect him to say I wasn’t his son. That’s so stupid.” Barty laughs humorlessly and Evan’s heart clenches at the sound.
“I should have known… Or at least expected it. I mean, who would want me as their son anyways? All I do is fuck everything up.”
At this Evan physically recoils and sits up to look at Barty’s face.
“You can’t possibly believe that.” Evan stares at Barty hoping something in his expression will give him away and they can laugh it off as some kind of self-deprecating joke, but Barty’s face remains serious. “Do you?”
“And if I do?”
“Barty… How could you even think that for a second.” Evan sits up fully now and pushes Barty against the headrest of their bed, forcing him to sit up too. “When have you ever fucked something up?”
“When we were getting together, I was cruel and completely ignored your feelings about everything. When me and Reg were… you know, I was the same. Always selfish and stupid and-“
“Shut up B. Firstly, you and Reg are both as emotionally constipated as each other so we can forget about that. And me? We were both figuring our shit out, okay? You can’t blame yourself for getting scared and reacting in that way. Fear makes people do really stupid things.”
Barty opens his mouth as if to object, so Evan leans forward and kisses him. Barty makes a surprised noise against his mouth which Evan uses as an opportunity to slip his tongue into Barty’s mouth and then sit on his lap.
Barty grins into the kiss as he wraps one arm around Evan’s waist and brings the other up to play with his hair. Evan starts working his way along Barty’s jaw, kissing all the way along his jawline and down to his neck. Barty tips his head back, as if it’s instinctual, and sucks in a breath when Evan bites the skin by his ear.
“Don’t you ever talk about yourself like that again.” Evan punctuates this with another bite, this time further down Barty’s neck. “I love you.” He sits back to look in Barty’s eyes.
“I love you. You get that B?” Barty stares at Evan with something in his eyes that looks like reverence.
“Loud and clear Rosier.” Evan smiles and cups Barty’s cheek. Barty lifts an eyebrow. “Don’t leave me hanging though.”
Evan wants to kiss that stupid smirk off Barty’s face.
“Just… Shut up.”
Barty laughs, it’s light and melodic, and Evan breathes easily for the first time in a while.