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tyler is sick. not ill, he doesn't have a disease or infection. but he knows he is sick. something snapped in him all those months ago, he hasnt been the same since and he thinks he never will recover.
he hasnt spoken to anyone in weeks, he told his wife jenna that he needed, begged for, a break. she agreed, she was so good to him. josh, his best friend, had been blowing tylers phone up. three days ago he gave up.
mark and the crew posted on twitter saying the band was on a small break, they just got off tour and will be inactive until further notice.
♱
tyler was sat on a hotel bed, he had been there for about a week, last week he was camped out in a motel, it was in some area he had only been a couple times. passing through to go to his parents house to visit.
he knew he couldnt tell anyone, his wife and him had built such a strong bond of trust, he couldnt break that. ruin their relationship. they had kids. they had a family. she was happy.
josh wouldnt understand. why would he? he knew about tyler and his past, his problems. but he could never tell josh what hes going through. josh had his own life and issues, tyler told himself not to add to it.
so, here he was. on his shitty hotel bed, writing in a notebook. he wasnt writing song lyrics like he always would.
i am punished by love. i just wish it would end. i dont want to kill myself anymore, but i wish it would just end. i need it to end.
maybe i should do it maybe i should take that knife that blade that rope that gun maybe i should and just do it.
maybe i want to. i lie to myself too much. i sugarcoat everything too much. everyone thinks im okay, not even jenna knows what goes on in my mind. God, i miss her.
he set his notebook and pen down, tears streaming down his face, it reminds him of the rain that he watched yesterday night. his stomach rumbles, he ignores it. maybe he shouldnt, he hadnt eaten in what felt like days, it had been days. he picks his phone up, its 4:37 AM and he has 6 notifications from jenna. he opens them.
from: jenna <3
hi ty, just checking on you, we all miss you so much!
hope youll be home soon
junie lost another tooth
ty?
okay, its late, youre probably sleeping. i hope.
goodnight tyler, i love you so much honey. sleep well.
7 hours ago she sent them.
he had gotten so caught up in his own mind he didnt even text his wife back.
"horrible husband, horrible son, horrible father, horrible person." he grabbed at his head and rocked back and forth, gasping for air. sobbing. that one familiar voice in his head, telling him these things.
he panted, after 30 minutes of crying. his back ached and his eyes were raw.
♱
he picked his phone up, his hands shaking and he pressed the 'call' button on jennas contact. three rings go by and she picks up,
"tyler?" her voice is raspy and tired. it makes him feel guilty. "tyler?" she repeats after he replied with a soft gasp and sniffle. "are you okay, babe?"
"jenna." he says with a wavering voice. "jenna im sorry i cant do it anymore."
"tyler, what do you mean? where are you? do you need me to come pick you up?"
no reply.
"tyler,"
theres shifting in the background, shes moving. she slides her slippers on that were at the foot of her bed, their bed.
it felt empty without tyler there.
"im right here baby, you can talk to me."
no reply, so, she facetimes him. his phone is pointed at the ceiling. shes moving around, putting her white robe on, talking to tyler, trying to keep him on the phone with her, he cant hear her. he continues crying and starts scratching at his wrists and forearms. thankfully not in view of the camera.
"tyler, where are you? im coming to get you."
shes opening the door to exit their house now. running to the car and getting in it quickly. "i need you to stay on the phone with me baby, send me your location. can you do that for me?"
"yeah." he finally says, his voice is quiet and his throat audibly hurts.
he sends her his location. the hotel, thirty minutes away from their house.
"thank you honey, oh my god." she whispers to herself.
starting the car and backing out of the driveway.
"stay on the phone with me tyler. please, can you do that?" she has the phone on her lap, camera facing up at her as she drives, almost speeding, to his location.
tyler stays on the phone with her.
♱
when she arrives to the hotel, she looks crazy. its 5 AM, shes in a robe and slippers, her hair is done in a quick messy bun, and she just looks crazy.
"hi, um-" she approachs the person at the front desk, he looks very tired. "im here to see someone," she doesnt know what room tyler is in. so she asks him, still on the phone with him.
"hes in room 34, im his wife and i need to see him, please." the guy gives her a key to room 34, without a care.
she practically runs to the room, up the stairs. she opens the door to the room and hangs the phone up.
she takes in the sight of the room, clothes are everywhere, papers crumbled up on the floor, tyler curled up in a ball on the bed.
she rushes over to him, embracing him in a tight hug. "tyler, i love you so much, talk to me." she whispers, her voice lingering in his mind. he gets up, looks at her and sobs. he left her, abandoned her with little explanation.
"bad husband, she doesnt love you, why would she? dont tell her, she'll leave you."
he shakes his head, rocking back and forth in her arms. he finally speaks.
"i want to do it, jenna." he gulps, she knows about it. but that was the past.
"do what, ty?" she asks, "oh. no tyler, you cant, im here for you baby, never going away. ill help you through this i promise, josh is here for you, mark is here for you, your fans. think about your fans, think about rosie and junie and tommy." tyler breaks down. "come on, lets get you out of here." she says softly, picking him up bridal style and he grabs onto her neck for dear life, sobbing and hyperventilating into her chest. she brings him to the car, she leaves. going back into the hotel.
♱
she comes back with his suitcase, full of the clothes he left behind.
they drive back, music playing, he cant name what songs shes playing, but theyre droney and beautiful.
little death like lead
poisonous and heavy
it has always been this way
mm, it has always been this way
♱
he wakes up in his bed, its comfortable. unfamiliar, though. he doesn't care nor know what time it is, the sun is up and jennas gone.
he can smell pancakes and bacon from the kitchen.
he goes back to sleep, he needs it.
♱
hes waken 30 minutes later up by jenna, junie and rosie.
the girls running and jumping up next to him, jenna scolding them softly while holding a plate of two chocolate pancakes and three pieces of bacon.
"hi hon, you hungry?" her tone is sweet, like honey and sugar.
God, has he missed it.
he nods his head and sits up with a fake smile plastered on his face, rosie lays down on her back next to him with junie close next to her. jenna hands him his plate and she watches him eat, she knows its been a while.
♱
the day goes by fairly quickly, waking up at 12 had its benefits. josh texted tyler at 2 pm. tyler ignored it. jenna told him he shouldnt do that. but she knows hes stubborn.
♱
tyler lay in bed, next to jenna. shes sleeping but hes not.
he cant, that voice in his head telling him things
"get up tyler. the bathroom. theres blades. do it. do it, tyler. you know you want it."
he obeys. he gets up, careful not to wake jenna. he walks to the bathroom connected to their room. silent on his feet.
♱
its a mess, blood running down his arms and wrists. the blade tossed somewhere on the floor. sobbing quietly.
"good job, you did so well tyler. im so proud of you."
blurryface tells him, he knows what tyler needs, what tyler doesnt need.
this is the complete opposite of what tyler needs right now.
jenna knocks on the door, he jumps and scrambles over to the door to lock it. "jenna! hold on!" he mumbles, silently cursing himself for not bringing a long sleeve shirt in the bathroom with him.
"ty? what are you doing? its like one am..." she slurs out, voice tired and he can tell shes still half asleep. he doesnt want to do this to her.
"just do it! end it right now!" the voice tells him.
he hesitates.
♱
he obeyed. the deeper he cut the more free he felt. the guilt was the blood that filled his raw flesh. he didn't feel punished anymore.
♱
tyler joseph was found dead in the bathroom of his house, by his wife, jenna joseph. he committed suicide on january 3rd, 2025.