Work Text:
The Absolutely, Positively Shortest X-Files Story Ever!
by J.D. Rush
The words seemed to stick in her throat, and tears formed in her beautiful blue eyes. Managing to finally pull herself together she whispered, "I do."
And Mulder smiled down at the luminous Agent Scully.
THE END
Now, I know what you're thinking . . . what the hell did Mulder ask Scully? Well, I probably should leave it to your imagination but below are just a few of the obvious (and not so obvious) ones. Enjoy!
Possible Questions That Mulder Asked Scully
in "The Absolutely Positively Shortest X-Files Story Ever!"
by J.D. Rush, Kylara Ingress, and Lady Kate
1. "Do you love me?"
2. "Do you believe me?"
3. "Do you take this man, Fox Mulder, to be your lawfully wedded husband?"
4. "Do you want me to kick Krycek in the nads?"
5. "Do YOU want to kick Krycek in the nads?"
6. "Do you want some sunflower seeds?"
7. "Do you think these pants make my ass look fat?"
8. "I've got two plane tickets to Tahiti . . . want to join me on a romantic trip for two?"
9. "Do you think my sister is still alive?"
10. "Do you believe in little green men yet?"
11. "Do you agree with me that Flukeman was the most disgusting fucking case we ever worked on?"
12. "Do you want to quit the F.B.I. and go work for the Lone Gunmen with me?"
13. "Do you really think that I'm William's father?"
14. "Do you think this haircut makes me look boyishly handsome and simply irresistible?"
15. "Do you think Bert and Ernie are gay?"
16. "Do you mind if I call you Dana?"
17. "Do you want me to slip you the ol' salami?"
18. "Do YOU want to slip ME the ol' plastic salami?"
19. "Do you want to teleport with me off this rock?"
20. "Do you want to watch me and Skinner play 'tickle the pickle?"
21. "Do you believe Elvis was an alien?"
22. "Do you want these extra tickets to the Raiders game?"
23. "Do you agree with me that 'It's Raining Men' is the greatest song of the last 50 years?"
24. "Do you recycle?"
25. "Is it just me, or do you think Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson would look really sexy in a pink tu-tu?"
26. "Do you think that guy on The Red Shoe Diaries looks anything like me?"
27. "Do you know you're more likely to get into a car accident if you drive a black vehicle?"
28. "Do you have $10.00 I can borrow so I can purchase this issue of 'Bodacious Ta-Ta's'?"
29. "Do you want to borrow it after I'm done?"
30. "Do you ever dream of the two of us running away together to a little cabin out in the woods somewhere – and not woods that have supernatural cocoon-weaving insects or Big Foot or anything like that – just a place no one knows about, where I can spend the rest of my life making love to you 24-7 in front of a large fireplace – and not a fire place covered with Tooms' fingerprints – and we don't ever have to worry about aliens or vampires or ghosts or dung eating cockroaches or psychotic assassins or cell phones that break or flashlights that don't work or guns that get lost or Cigarette Smoking Man or body-altering freaks or mutants dancing to Cher albums or killer computers or the Bermuda Triangle or the Lone Gunmen discovering where they buried Jimmy Hoffa or Skinner calling me on the carpet every freakin' five minutes or black oil and intergalactic invasion conspiracies . . . do you?"
31. "You can tell me. . .do you have the hots for Frohike?"
32. "I finished the doobie and I've got the munchies . . . do you have any more Twinkies?"
33. "Do you wanna go out tonight and get totally toasted?"
34. "Do you think Hollywood is running out of ideas?"
35. "Do you think that the Lone Gunmen just use their underground newspaper as a cover to hide the fact it's really a Members-only Sex Club?"
36. "Do you want to join it?"
37. "When we're not using a rental . . . you drive an American car, don't you?"
38. "You wanna come over to my place tonight and watch a continuous loop of the Zapruder film as we listen to Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon?"
39. "Do you think everything we've been through was worth it, even the Peacock family?"
40. "Do you have any aspirin on you?"
41. "Hey, Scully . . . did you know you have the same name as that famous baseball announcer, Vin Scully?"
42. "Hey Scully, . . . did you know you have the same name as the producer of The Simpsons, Mike Scully?"
43. "Do you have any great porn website addys you'd be willing to share with me?"
44. "Do you still use your old 8-track tape player to listen to the Saturday Night Fever soundtrack?"
45. "Do you agree that Castiel's "I love you" was a love confession?"
46. *Mulder, hanging out his apartment window at 7:30 in the morning*: "Yo, Scully . . . want these back?" (a pair of pink lacy panties dangling from his right index finger.)
47. "Byers, Langly and Frohike just invited me out for cheesesteaks . . . wanna come along?"
48. "Do you believe in Santa Claus?"
49. "What about the Easter Bunny?"
50. "Do you REALLY still have a VHS player?"
51. "Do you actually still use it?"
52. "Do you know that Darth Vader is really Luke Skywalker's father?"
53. "Do you believe the truth is 'in here'?" (as Mulder points to his crotch)
54. "Do you really think I'm going to die of autoerotic asphyxiation?"
55. "Scully, I, ah, that is . . . oh, hell, I'm sick of all this subtly . . . do you wanna fuck?"
56. "Be honest--do you think I've got the legs to pull off fishnet stockings?"
57. "Do you think smart is the new sexy?"
58. "During those boring budget meetings, do you ever daydream of Skinner stripping you naked, throwing you face-down on that huge desk of his, and spanking your ass until it glows ruby red before he fucks you into next week . . . or it that just me?"
59. "Do YOU know how many licks it takes to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop?"
60. "Do you think the Lone Gunmen shoot blanks, if you know what I mean?"
61. "If I can stop him from trying to kill me for more than 5 minutes, do you think me and Krycek make a good-looking couple?"
62. "Do you ever get a song in your head – a song you really, really, hate – and it won't go away, and it's there all day and you keep singing it over and over, then late at night, when you're trying to sleep, it's STILL there, so you try to think of another song – one you DO like – to try to block out the first song, and you do, but then the NEW song gets in your head and even though you DID like it before, now you hate it with the white hot intensity of a thousand suns?"
63. "Don't you hate answering the door in the nude and it turns out to be Jehovah's Witnesses?"
64. "Do you think that alien autopsy video they ran on FOX was a fake?"
65. "Do you think Shakespeare's plays were really written by Marlowe?"
66. "Do you know who won The Great British Baking Show this season?"
67. "Do you want to go into the phone sex business with me?"
68. "We can carpool, you know . . . or do you feel it's every man for himself?"
69. "Do you think Donald Trump is humankind's Weakest Link?"
70. "Hmmm . . . number 69. Do you have the same idea *I* have?"
71. "Do you REALLY think the Green M&M's make you horny?"
72. "Do you want some?"
73. "You DO know Cigarette Smoking Man isn't dead, don't you?"
74. "You DO know neither are The Gunmen?"
75. "Do you know the way to San Jose?" (obscure Dionne Warwick reference)
76. "Don't you hate making an obscene phone call, but you accidentally hit the wrong button on speed-dial, and you end up crank calling your mom instead?"
77. "Do you think the Millennium Falcon would win a drag race against the USS Enterprise?"
78. "Ummmm, do you have any more of those Quantum Leap slash fanzines I can borrow?"
79. "Do you think that case of genital herpes I gave you will ever clear up?"
80. "Do you wanna watch Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers again tonight?"
81. "Do you want to share that egg-salad sandwich with me?"
82. "Do you know that your new partner looks like that creepy evil liquid robot from Terminator 2?"
83. "Do you know that the surprise ending of The Sixth Sense is that Bruce Willis was a ghost?"
84. "Do you believe that the fact Cybertrucks even exist is one of the signs of the Apocalypse?"
85. "Do you still miss Kim Manners?"
86. "Do you know what my next line is?"
87. "Do you think the presidential elections should be run like Survivor except we get to ostracize the losers from our entire culture?"
88. "Do you know where I can find a pair of size 12 red 'fuck-me' pumps?"
89. "Ummm, Scully? I don't know quite how to tell you this, but do you know you have a piece of spinach wedged between your front teeth?"
90. "Do you think that pro-wrestling is fixed?"
91. "Do you want to play 'Yellow Car'?" (Cabin Pressure reference)
92. "Do you know that your hair gets redder every season?"
93. "Do you know why the chicken crossed the road?"
94. "Do you think that all my conspiracy theories are complete shit?"
95. "Do you want fries with that?"
96. "Do you agree with me that Mary Ann was much hotter than Ginger?"
97. "When we're sitting around that conference table in A.D. Skinner's office, being interrogated by half the Agency . . . do you imagine them in their underwear?"
98. "Admit it. . .you want to bitch-slap Bambi, don't you?"
99. "When you're performing an autopsy, do you ever get a craving for sushi?"
100. "Okay, Scully, try to follow me on this one. First off, if there's no ozone on the moon, how come we can't see any stars in the backgrounds of the photos? Second, if there's no atmosphere on the moon, that means no wind, and yet, that American flag was waving, even after Armstong planted it. Next, we have the moon surface, which was even described by the astronauts as very soft and dusty – we see footprints in this sandy surface, and yet, when the craft blasted off, not ONE blast mark scarred the ground. And what about the shadows, huh? In the photos, we have shadows coming in from all angles, yet, the only light surface was the sun. Therefore, all the shadows should have originated from the same focal point. Not only that, but in some photos, things that should have been in total darkness, for instance, the logo on the side of the lunar lander, are bright and crystal clear. I won't even go into those photos that were obviously tampered with, as the crosshairs that were painted onto the camera lens actually 'disappear' behind the lander, or the astronauts. Then there's the audio tracks – if these men were in that small space craft, with all those rockets firing off, how was it that their voices came through so clearly, even from thousands of miles away? And speaking of that aircraft . . . you're a doctor. How did those men survive passage through the radiation belt that lies between the earth and the moon? Their ship was made out of gum wrappers and tin foil, for Christ's sake! There is no way even those spacesuits could have protected them. In order to survive, that ship had to have been made of lead, at least six feet thick. Plus, if this was the greatest feat of mankind, why haven't we bothered to go back for nearly 20 years? Wouldn't it make more sense to try to establish an outpost on the moon than to continue tinkering with those flimsy, troublesome space stations we keep wasting our time and money building? On top of all that, NASA in the 60's was in total disarray – top brass was resigning weekly, and they had no clear leadership. How did they suddenly get their shit together long enough to beat the Russians to the moon? I'll tell you how . . . a movie set in Area 51. We never landed on the moon. NASA perpetuated a three-decade fraud on the peoples of the world, in order to save their agency from being disbanded, and to keep the money flowing in. THAT's the real truth, Scully. Or . . . do you think it's possible I'm just blowing smoke outta my ass again?"
101. "Do you still have an AOL email address?"
102. "Do you get your flu shot every year?"
103. "Do you think I can talk Skinner and Doggett into a threesome?"
104. "Do you wanna watch?"
105. "Do you love the smell of napalm in the morning?"
106. "Do you believe in magic?" (another obscure pop song reference.)
107. "I'm going skinny-dipping . . . do you want to join me?"
108. "Do you always swallow?"
109. "Do you think Skinner is hung like the proverbial horse?"
110. "In a cage-match to the death, do you think Xena could whip Sarah Conner?"
111. "The boys in VCU and I have a bet going . . . do you go 'commando' under those boring suits?"
112. "Do you do that voodoo you do so well?"
113. "Do you believe in the Mandela Effect?"
114. "Do you flirt with cops to get out of speeding tickets?"
115. "Do you know if I left my cock-ring and nipple clamps at your place again?"
116. "Do you happen to know what the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow is?" (Monty Python and the Holy Grail reference)
117. "Do you go all the way on the first date?"
118. "I'm in the mood for a hummer . . . wanna do the honors?"
119. "Do you think those asswipes at FOX that cancelled The Lone Gunmen should rot in hell for eternity?"
120. "Do you still have that copy of Debbie Does Everyone that I loaned you last month?"
121. "Do you flip off drivers during your morning commute?"
122. "Do you belong to the 'Mile High Club'?"
123. "Do you still have that little cheerleader outfit I bought for you last summer?"
124. "Do you want to wear it Saturday night?"
125. "If not, do you think I can borrow it?"
126. "Do you really believe that 42 is the answer to life, the universe, and everything?"
127. "Do you really have a Tumblr account named 'michael-sheen-is-my-super-secret-boyfriend'?"
128. "Do you wear your sunglasses at night?" (another pathetic 80s song reference)
129. "Do you think school pictures are just an elaborate way to get photos of all Americans for the CIA's files?"
130. "Do you own more than three sets of clothes?" (Thanks Lady Kate!)
131. "Do you think all TV shows should be developed by Mike Schur?"
132. "Do you believe James Bond is a Time Lord?"
133. "How about Mary Poppins?"
134. "When the first snowfall happens, do you run around the outside of the house in just your underwear and make snow angels?"
135. "Do you think Frohike wears Victoria Secrets lingerie to bed?"
136. "Come on, tell me the truth . . . you don't REALLY hate Caddyshack, do you?"
137. "Do you ever have perverted fantasies starring me, a ferret, and a family size tub of low-fat Cool Whip?"
138. "Do you still have a crush on your 7th grade science teacher?"
139. "Well, I've got a big nose, big hands, and big feet . . . do you know what THAT means?"
140. "Hey Scully – do you think this past year equaled one big bucket of suck or what?"
141. "When you're in love with a beautiful woman, do you watch her eyes?" (EXTREMELY obscure reference to a Dr. Hook song)
142. "I lost my cell phone – do you have one I can borrow?"
143. "Do you balance your checking account to the penny every month?"
144. "Do you plan to jump naked out of a cake for my birthday again this year?"
145. "Do you want me to return the favor?"
146. "Do you have a foot fetish?"
147. "Do you think there's any possibility the baby might be Frohike's after all?"
148. "When you see some thug beating up on an old lady on the street, do you ever want to join in and help him out?"
149. "The Lone Gunmen's latest front-page story says Elon Musk is the anti-Christ . . . do you agree with them?"
150. "Do you wish the Bay City Rollers would reunite and go on a world tour?"
151. "Admit it – you want to get into Langly's pants, don't you?"
152. "Do you ship Hawkeye Pierce and BJ Hunnicutt?"
153. "Do you think 'BJ' stands for 'you know what'?"
154. (holding up an open copy of the Karma Sutra): "Hey, Scul – do you wanna try the position on page 73?"
155. "Do you ever fantasize about 'doing it' on an autopsy table?"
156. "In that case, do you wanna meet me at the city morgue after work?"
157. "Do you think that Krycek faked his death and the man Skinner shot in the parking garage was an alien clone look-alike, and the REAL rat bastard's still out there, somewhere, just biding his time?"
158. "Do you really write slash stories about me and Skinner under the pen name 'The Scarlet Pimpernel'?"
159. "Ummm . . . do you have any stories you want me to beta for you?"
160. "Do you still mud-wrestle on Friday nights at Chesty's?"
161. "Do you have some spare tickets for Friday night's match?"
162. "Do you need a manager?"
163. "Do you have a weakness to open packages that say 'Do Not Open'?"
164. "The Gunmen are having a party this weekend and they wanted to know if you have any Yoko Ono records they can borrow?"
165. "Do you want to join me and Doggett for a kinky weekend in the Poconos?"
166. "Do you think they should castrate Mark Zuckerberg and force feed him his own testicles?"
167. "Do you have the time to listen to me whine about nothing and everything all at once?" (for all you Green Day fans out there)
168. "Do you think Scott Bakula has aged like a fine wine?"
169. "Do you tend to buy extra bags of Halloween candy then shut off all the lights in your apartment so you can scoff them down in peace?"
170. "Do you wash your colors with your whites?"
171. "During 'that time of month', do you retain enough water to float the Queen Mary?"
172. "Tell the truth – do you spend your Saturday mornings stuffing your face with Moon-pies and watching old Bugs Bunny cartoons?"
173. "Do you think Byers and Langly are making the sign of the double-humped wildebeest?"
174. "Do you think Frohike joins them occasionally?"
175. "Do you think the world has gone to shit since David Bowie's death?"
176. "Do you think cum tastes 'salty-sweet', like they describe it in porn novels?"
177. "Do you want to sample mine before you make up your mind?"
178. "Do you think CC and Co. fucked up the series finale?"
179. "What about the finale of 'Supernatural'?"
180. "And season 4 of 'Sherlock?"
181. "Do you get wet for really furry guys, like I do?"
182. "Well, Scully – I have to go. I'm putting us all in danger – you, Skinner, William. The longer I'm here, none of you are safe. It's best for us all if I just disappear and go underground for a while. But before I go, I have a huge favor to ask . . . do you have a dirty pair of your thong panties that I can have to remember you by?"
183. "Do you still play with Barbie dolls?"
184. "Do you think Agent Reyes is a hot babe?"
185. "Do you know the Gunmen have had you under surveillance for over eight years?"
186. "Do you have any suggestions on where I can take Skinner on our honeymoon?"
187. "Do you lick all the creamy white filling from an Oreo then throw the boring cookie parts out?"
188. "I'm going out bar hopping tomorrow night to pick up strange men for wild anonymous sex . . . do you want to join me?"
189. "Do you believe that car dealers are just one step below politicians on the 'scum meter'?"
190. "Do you happen to have your mom's secret recipe for those 'special brownies' she makes?"
191. "Do you think Doggett's always going to be so clueless?"
192. "You can tell me – do you want to shag Skinner's brains out?"
193. "Do you know the point spread for this year's Super Bowl?"
194. "Do you have multi-orgasms?"
195. "Do you still eat paste?"
196. "Do you get all tingly thinking about A.D. Skinner in just a skimpy pair of tighty whities?"
197. (While playing 'Go Fish') "Do you have any threes?"
198. "Do you want me to start calling you 'My Little Crimson Snuggle Bunny'?"
199. "Do you think any TV executive that would cancel Our Flag Means Death but continues to greenlight season after season of The Kardashians wouldn't be able to find his asshole with both hands and a flashlight?"
200. "Do you think pineapple on pizza is a sin against God and all that is holy?"
201. "Do you know where I can buy an industrial size vibrator to keep me company on long lonely nights?"
202. "You do know that I'm never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you, never gonna make you cry, never gonna say goodbye, never gonna tell a lie and hurt you, right?" (sorry, I had to do it)
203. "Do you wanna find out how good I am at muff-diving?"
204. "Do you ever want to get up on the roof of the Hoover building and yell at the top of your lungs, 'I'm mad as hell and I'm not gonna take it anymore'?"
205. "Do you practice that condescending skeptical 'one-quirked-eyebrow' expression in front of your mirror every night or what?"
206. "Do you still miss Queequeg?"
207. "Do you want to cover Jensen Ackles from head to toe in Hershey's Chocolate Syrup and lick it off him nice and slow?"
208. "Do you think Frohike will ever make an honest man out of me?"
209. "Do you have to control yourself when you're around Doggett because you want to jump his bones at inappropriate times?"
210. "Do you enjoy eating fruitcake during the holidays?"
211. "Do you agree that all the music recorded after 1989 sucks big leaking donkey dick?"
212. "Do you get a sexual thrill when you use your Thigh Master?"
213. "Do you want me to place a bid on that picture of J. Edgar Hoover in the black cocktail dress and feather boa we saw on eBay?"
214. "Is it just me, or do you think these wire-rim glasses make me look hot?"
215. "Do you know why they put the 'I' in 'F.B.I.'?"
216. "Do you have any LifeSavers in your purse?"
217. "Do you really want to hurt me? Do you really want to make me cry?" (BAD 80's rock reference)
218. "Do you think I should have 'Property of Walter Skinner' tattooed on my ass?"
219. "Do you know that Cary Grant's real name is Archibald Leach?"
220. "Do you have a pierced bellybutton?"
221. "Do you think you'll forever be bitter that Marvel killed off Tony Stark?"
222. "Do you giggle like an idiot when someone says the word 'titmouse'?"
223. "Do you hate it when someone borrows your car and changes all the quick scan channel buttons on the radio?"
224. "Do you know how to do the Time Warp?"
225. "Do you think Todd is God?" (Rundgren reference)
226. "Do you ever get so mad when you're driving that you make up new swear words?"
227. "So, you want to sleep with Skinner, too? Don't you think it's interesting how we have the same tastes in guys?"
228. "Do you know that if it wasn't for FOX picking up the pilot episode of The X-Files, both of us would probably be starring in a dinner-club performance of Footloose right now?"
229. "Do you still like SuperWhoLock?"
230. "In 'Blinded by the Light', do you think The Boss sings 'wrapped up like a douche'?"
231. "Do you like to do it doggie style?"
232. "Do you ever want to punch Jeff Bezos in the dick?"
233. "Do you ever wish you had a bigger rack?"
234. "Do you only shave your legs up to your knees?"
235. "Do you think the FCC is our friend?"
236. "Do you believe we live in a Matrix-like simulation?"
237. "Do you get sick on the Teacup ride at Disneyland?"
238. "Do you think the Backstreet Boys are cuter than those studs from 'NSYNC?"
239. "Do you just live for the day when D.D. Kersh goes to step onto the elevator and instead falls down the empty shaft to his gristly death?"
240. "Do you wish that TPTB would give Frohike back his ponytail?"
241. "Do you think my mom is the Queen of Denial or what?"
242. "Do you know how to change the clock in your car when we switch to Daylight Savings Time?"
243. "Don't you just hate getting paper cuts?"
244. "Do you think 'Fox' is a really stupid name for a kid?"
245. "Do you sometimes forget to brush your teeth in the morning?"
246. "Do you think the Red & Yellow M&Ms lick each other all night long?"
247. "Do you ever wish you had a 12-inch penis?"
248. "Do you swing both ways?"
249. "Do you have a pet name for your shower massage?"
250. "Okay – this is a really personal question, but I'm curious . . . do you scream like a howler monkey when you climax?"
251. "Do you purposely provoke Skinner in the hopes that he'll growl at you in that deep sexy voice of his?"
252. "Do you get high off the smell of formaldehyde?"
253. "Do you ever take Tay Tay's advice and just 'shake it off'?"
254. "Ummm . . . remember when I got drunk at the Gunmen's Christmas party and I woke up in bed with . . . well . . . do you think I really went 'all the way' with Byers?"
255. "Do you sometimes wish you had been born in London so you'd have one of those cool British accents?"
256. "Do you tend to get sloppy drunk on Fuzzy Navels when you go out clubbing?"
257. "As you approach an intersection and the light turns yellow, do you speed up and run that mutha?"
258. "Do you think Disney should put the breaks on the whole Star Wars extended franchise?"
259. "Don't you wish that just once Frohike would actually admit his feelings for you, then sweep you off your pretty little feet, throw you down on your bed and fuck you bow-legged?"
260. "Do you dye ALL your hair red?"
261. "Do you use your handcuffs for activities other than those officially taught us at Quantico?"
262. " Do you believe there's a secret level in DOOM that lets you shoot Teletubbies?"
263. "Do you ever daydream of being lovingly entrapped between those rock crushers Skinner calls thighs?"
264. "Do you wish that Peter Jackson would release a 30-hour Ultra-Extended Super-Delux Director's Cut of The Lord of the Rings trilogy?"
265. "Do you like 'sweating to the oldies'?"
266. "Do you get a kick out of saying, 'Agents Mulder – Scully . . . F.B.I.'?"
267. "When you go out on the town with your girlfriends, do you check out all the guys' baskets?"
268. "Okay, now that we've concluded you don't have some weird alien baby, but just an ordinary, run-of-the-mill possessed psycho baby, do you want me to track down a priest to do the exorcism?"
269. "Do you really stand on boxes during our big close-up scenes together so that can get us in the same camera shot?"
270. "Do you ever lie in bed at night and wonder what happened to the cast of ALF?"
271. "Don't you wish we knew where they buried Cancerman so we could dig him up and kill him again ourselves?"
272. "Do you ever abuse your access to the F.B.I.'s database so you can more easily stalk prospective dates?"
273. "Do you get all your news from John Oliver?"
274. "Do you want to play a little 'one-on-one'?"
275. "Ahhh . . . you DO know I meant only basketball, right?"
276. "Do you sign all your autopsy reports with one of those annoying little smiley faces?"
277. "Do you ever get a scratch in the middle of your back but it's in a location that's impossible to reach and you're all alone so you use something handy nearby, like a ruler, and as you're scratching away merrily someone walks in and you have to explain why you have a ruler down the back of your shirt?"
278. "Scully, be honest . . . do you think I kiss like a gagging guppy?"
279. "Don't you hate it when a waitress calls you 'toots'?"
280. "Do you know what the fuck a 'pompatus of love' is?" (Steve Miller reference.)
281. "Do you wet your undies every time you pull a gun on Skinner?"
282. "Do you believe all the Pixar films are in a shared universe?"
283. "Do you want to go bird watching with me this weekend?"
284. "Do you think you can beat my record of 32 pencils stuck in the ceiling tiles over my desk?"
285. "Do you feel the comics just haven't been the same since Bloom County, The Far Side, and Calvin and Hobbes stopped being published?"
286. "Do you have a hard time remembering your ATM PIN?"
287. "Do you realize Agent Doggett has shot more people in one year than I did my entire F.B.I. career?"
288. "You know that red Speedo I wear when I go swimming . . . do you think it makes me look slutty?"
289. "Do you actually intend on watching the Winter Olympics this year?"
290. "Do you wish you got laid on a regular basis?"
291. "Do you want to be, under the sea, in an octopus' garden with me?" (I needed a Beatles one, okay?)
292. "Do you think Skinner's got a nicer ass than I do?"
293. "Do you feel Benedict Cumberbatch's Sherlock Holmes was a better portrayal than RDJ's?"
294. "What about Basil Rathbone's?"
295. "By the way, do you happen to know whatever happened to Marita Covarrubias?"
296. "Do you rip those annoying 'Do Not Remove Under Penalty of Law' tags on all the mattresses in those flea-bag motels we always end up staying at?"
297. "Do you think that the show Saturday Night Live has seriously overstayed its welcome?"
298. "Do you believe R2D2 is actually swearing with all those bleeps?"
299. "Do you get the feeling that underneath the starched white shirt, power tie, and Brooks Brothers suit, A.D. Skinner is wearing a Frederick's of Hollywood bra and panty set?"
300. "Do you believe that the losers who thought up all these stupid questions had too much time on their hands?"
THE END (For real this time)