Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

1985

Anu Nicola Rosberg was born right when the sun breached the Neroberg, spilling light into Keke's life. Keke had been holding Sina's hand, trying to provide all the comfort he could--yet Anu had been an easy birth, popping out barely eleven hours after labor had begun. She'd entered the world wailing, not comforted by the nurse's soft cooing nor the dimming of the lights as the nurse laid her on the scale.

"4.2 kilograms. A strong healthy girl," the nurse says, picking up the crying baby. "She's got some powerful lungs already." Sina laughs weakly and squeezes Keke's hand, though it is barely a flutter in comparison to her normal strength.

"Will blue work?" the nurse asks, taking Anu to the swaddling station. "We have a new shipment of pink blankets coming in tomorrow, but..."

"-That's fine." Sina says, with a tone that Keke knows is her holding her tongue to stop herself from demanding the nurse hand over her child. They swaddle Anu tightly, having to restart after the babe manages to throw an arm up in the middle of it, breaking the fold.

"She's going to be a handful," the nurse chuckles, handing her over to Sina carefully. Sina cuddles with the still squealing baby for a few minutes, then hands her to Keke.

Their child is indeed healthy and strong: all limbs and appendages fully developed, a fear considering she's barged into the world three weeks early. She has a small wisp of blonde hair, big blue eyes, and a pink face, still scrunched up. She's not crying anymore, but still sniffling. One of their little hands is clenched onto the blue blanket, holding it close to them, as if trying already to mimic the warmth of the womb. Keke adores them already, more than he has ever adored anyone upon first sight.

"Hei kulta." He says softly, holding the baby so close she could reach out and grab her mustache if she wanted. He has small tears beading up in his eyes he refuses to acknowledge. "Olen isäsi."

"Our beautiful girl." Sina sighs happily. Anu bursts back into tears.

Looking back on that moment, Sina always jokes between the tears and the blanket, God was trying to give them the signs before Nico could tell them.

✦

1989

From the time Anu's personality begins to show, the Rosbergs quickly realize there is something is quite...different about their daughter. At age three, she begins pulling out the big bows Sina clipped into her straw blonde hair and getting rid of them in escalating ways: hiding them in her toybox, putting them in the trashcan, throwing them out the car window, even giving them to the drivers Keke invites over who happily refuse to take it off. Instead, she steals Keke's flannels, happily drowning in them and running away whenever Lea tries dressing her in traditional Finnish smocks.

"I hate dresses and skirts." Anu declares one Christmas when she comes down wearing one of Keke's button downs over her dress for family photos. "They make me feel bad."

At age four, Anu begins to refuse to go by her name.

"Nico!" Anu demands in tears one evening when Keke had asked Anu how her day with Mama was. "I want to be called Nico!"

"Anu, your middle name is Nicola--" Sina cried to sooth but Anu kicked one of her little feet in protest from her high chair.

"Nicola is girly." Anu sniffed. "I like Nico." And like Nico she did. Soon all the careful name tags Sina had sown into Anu's clothing had clumsy writing reading Nico sprawled over it. Anu's tennis coaches even began calling her that, explaining that she refuses to listen to them if they call her by her proper name.

"I'm not a girl," she explains sleepily later when Keke asks her about it. "I'm a boy. So I'm using my boy name, my real name."

Keke isn't truthfully sure what to say to that.

✦

Though Keke retires from Formula 1 when Anu's only one, cars still roam around their house: from the television playing the races to Keke's racing memorabilia, the house resembles more of a garage than Sina's beachy paradise most days.

Anu of course does not help this.

"Vittu!" Keke mutters, for the fourth time one blistery fall morning. "Anu Nicola! What have we told you about leaving your cars on the stairs?"

Watson had given Keke a twenty-four pack of plastic cars, "for your kid to continue on the family legacy" that Christmas. To say they were a success vastly undersells them - Anu adores the cars. Every day, there's a new race across the hallway, down the bannister, weaving all around the furniture in Isi and Mama's room. It's adorable - or would be adorable if it didn't mean there were now twenty-four tripping hazards scattered throughout their house. Keke's already broken five of them by stepping on them in the middle of the night.

Instead of an apology, Keke gets giggles and another car zipping between his legs.

✦

Sometimes Keke looks at his child and sees only a girl: a girl with big bows who loves exploring Mama's makeup, and who has a big pout whenever she doesn't get her way.

Sometimes though, Keke is unable to see his child as anything but a little boy.

Keke hopes it's not a bad thing.

✦

1990

There's pee all over the bathroom and when he confronts Anu about it, Anu tries to blame it on a dog that doesn't exist.

Eventually, Sina's able to figure out it's because Nicola's trying to urinate standing up, leading to disastrous results.

Keke lets Sina handle that one.

✦

What are we supposed to do with her?" Sina sighed one evening after Anu had used Keke's razor sewing scissors to give herself what could be considered a buzzcut by the optimistic the day before her fifth birthday. Sina had scared Keke shitless by screaming when she'd found Anu sitting in the bathroom sink with little clippings of hair all over the sink and floor.

"Anu is...strange." Keke agrees, remembering how he'd tried unsuccessfully to stifle his laughter, which made Anu grin wider. "But that is not always bad."

"I know." Sina moans. "I know I should just want her to be happy, I'm just...worried, I guess. What if she's sick?"

"Then we'll figure out what's wrong with her and help her." Keke reassures her, pulling Sina into a hug she melts into. "Besides, Anu's happy. How bad can it be if she's happy?"

✦

They enroll Anu in preschool and quickly realize that her behaviors don't stop at home. All of her friends are boys and, as the teachers report, she throws fits whenever the class splits up by gender.

"I'd recommend getting your child a therapist." Mrs. Lorenzi says with a sympathetic smile. "I've never met such a strange little tomboy."

"Not a tomboy. Just a boy." Anu corrects and Mrs. Lorenzi's smile gets more brittle and frustrated around the edges.

✦

1991

For Anu's sixth birthday, Keke takes her go-karting in Ibiza. She's always shown an interest in cars so this seemed like the perfect gift.

The sun is cooking the tarmac when they get there midday. They're not going to go properly karting today: while Keke knows that some F1 drivers wouldn't hesitate to push their two-year-olds straight into competitive karting, Keke sees no point in traumatizing his baby girl. Besides, he had his race debut at twenty-nine and he's now a world champion. They are instead going 'baby karting' as drivers call it, where Anu has control of the steering wheel with Keke controlling the brake, accelerator, and everything else.

They've got a jeep for this so they can both fit, but Keke treats it like a kart anyway, carefully buckling the helmet strap under Anu's chin, flattening the bowl cut she insists on having to her head.

"Now remember Anu," Anu pouts and turns away from him. Keke sighs. "Remember Nico," Keke modifies, and Nico turns right back around, "Cars are not toys. Understand? Cars can kill people." Nico's eyes seem to sparkle at the thought, just as Keke's own eyes had when his Isä had given him this speech so many years ago.

Like father, like daughter it seems.

Keke gets them situated, explains the clutch and brake and pedals to a clearly-impatient Anu. He expects them to be out there for maybe 30 minutes-- probably driving in gentle circles, with a few zig-zags that will hopefully make Anu giggle.

They're out there for five hours, Anu forcing him to drive faster and faster along the track until they're practically rally drivers. "Faster, faster!" Anu demands after each lap, and Keke obliges, burning so much rubber they smell it when they leave the car.

"You're a little star aren't you, An-Nico!" Keke laughs, spinning her in the air. He's never had so much fun with his child. "Such beautiful talent!"

She beams down at him, the happiest he has ever seen her.

That evening, Keke looks into the junior competitive karting leagues in Monaco. They're all small things of course given the size of Monaco, with maybe ten competitors on their best days - a perfect amount for Anu to start with. He imagines how happy she'll be, how good she'll become. She has such raw drive, such talent. Keke has always known his little angel would do incredible things.

It hurts of course, knowing it would be impossible for Anu to enter the formula series or professional racing outside maybe karting. Though there's no laws about it, it'd simply be impossible to get Anu the needed sponsors to continue to F1, even with his last name. Keke hopes she'll at least be content with karting for now, until he can find a way to break that system.

✦

Every morning, Keke spends thirty minutes shaving and shaping his mustache. It's the same morning routine he's had since he began growing it out in 1959 and until he loses his facial hair, he'll keep it up. It's grounding to have a daily morning routine to do, regardless of if he's racing, sailing, or spending a nice day at home. He typically does it alone too, with Sina soaking up those extra minutes of sleep.

For the past few days though, he's had a little shadow watching him.

"Do you want to learn to shave?" he asks her one morning and Nicola, as she's asked to be called - a good compromise from Nico for now, nods dutifully. The next day, Keke takes the little ottoman from Sina's vanity, removes a blade from one of his old razors, and sets out a little bowl of water and shaving cream.

"Come Nicola," he says and Nicola joins him, her little head just appearing in the bottom of the mirror. "Watch carefully, we start on the sides. Nice, gentle, motions."

Over time, it becomes a habit: he shaves and Nicola on her little step-stool uses the modified razors to scape the shaving cream off her face.

It's a bit odd, but she is happy, a rare sight these days.

Ever since starting proper school in Nice, Nicola has been miserable. The kids at school are not kind, she reports back to them over sniffling dinners: they refuse to call her Nico, they make fun of her clothes, they mock her karting trophies dedicated to "Nico Rosberg" (truthfully, Keke doesn't know how Nicola got away with that one, but that's the name she's racing under), and they throw gum in her short hair. They've filed hundreds of complaints to the school at this point, but gotten the same answer back each time: kids will be kids, boys will be boys, a little teasing is good for the soul.

They even get a complaint from a parent. The gist of it is that 'your daughter should act more like a girl' - Keke throws the letters into the fire.

Keke would do anything to see her daughter happy. If that meant not forcing her to change her clothes, allowing her to call herself Nico, even taking her with him to the barber's shop so she gets a proper boy's cut, he would do it.

Even if all he can do is allow her to think she's shaving with him, that's what he'll do.

✦

1992

Basically every therapist in Monaco is affiliated with the church in some way, so they end up finding one in Nice. Her name is Ms. Fabre and Nicola seems to get along well with her, but after only two appointments, she terminates the service.

"Your child is lovely," Ms. Fabre says. "however I believe Nico would benefit from a male therapist." She has several recommendations and they settle on a Mr. Abadie only five minutes further down the street.

The fact she and later Mr. Abadie both call Nicola Nico does not go unnoticed.

✦

"Transsexualism." Sina declares, throwing a heavy book and several old newspapers onto the table one Sunday when Mika had taken Nicola out for ice cream as a reward for finishing first in her league. "I think that's what it is." Keke raises an eyebrow at her over the morning's coffee.

"Trans-what?"

"Trans-sexual-ism." Sina repeats, opening the book up and skimming through it. "Look, here." She points to a journal article, in the middle of the page. "See? Transsexualism: A Study of Forty-Three Cases by Jan Wålinder, translated from Swedish to German this year. It's an old article, from the 1970s or something. And look at this too," she pulls a few of the newspapers out from under the book.

"I made a list of all the countries who have laws about this. Laws, Keke, it's a real thing: Sweden, Germany, Italy, the Netherlands, France has a law they're debating right now about it--these are countries we know! Countries close to us. Look too, there are people, interviews with them." Sina then adds, pointing to different newspapers. "People living their lives, happily, just as a different person I guess?"

They both take a few minutes to look over the documents: Wålinder's article and the newspaper.

A person born in the wrong body, as they describe it.

"It...could be." Keke says, carefully. "But are we sure she is not just a tomboy?"

"I was a tomboy." Sina argues. "Nicola, well maybe Nico, she does not act like a tomboy Keke. I know you don't spend as much time with us, because you're still working with endurance racing and mentoring JJ and Mika in order to support us, but trust me Süßer, I know our child."

"And you think our child has this transsexual...ism?"

Sina sighs. "Apparently Mr. Abadie and Ms. Fabre both think so. If they think so, I think it's worth looking into a diagnosis."

✦

Keke does not pretend to be a religious man, unless someone asks him why he moved to Monaco, and then it's for religion, not taxes. Still, he grew up surrounded by the idea that you should love the body God gave you, the sex God gave you. He sits with the idea for a long time, long enough that his Äiti notices something's wrong with him when he flies up to see her for her birthday.

"What is it, Keke?" Lea asks and Keke sighs. It's just them for dinner tonight: Isä is out of town, visiting his sick parents, and Sina is taking Nico to a friend's party. It seems after a year in schooling, Nicola's made exactly one friend in primary school, and Keke privately thinks he's only friends with Nicola to make himself feel good.

"Sina thinks Anu (as Nicola is still Anu when they are in Finland) may be a boy in spirit. A proper boy." Lea pauses, resting her fork on her plate.

"She thinks that?" Lea says, tone polite but shocked. "Is that possible?" "

There's medical articles about it, äiti." Keke responds, stroking his mustache, looking into his kalakukko. "It's a thing, clearly, I just..."

"Anu is quite young." Lea responds, picking up on Keke's anxieties like she always does.

"There is that." Keke agrees. "I also just worry it is against God - if God made Nicola a girl, is that not a sign we are crossing him by doubting him." Lea hums. His äiti was a nurse for several years and when she hums like that, Keke often knows that means she's thinking back on her time as a labor and delivery nurse.

"There were several babies born in the NICU where we did not know the sex of them." Lea says carefully "When a baby is born, sometimes it is hard to tell what is a large clit or a small penis."

"Äiti!" Keke groans.

"Hush it is true." She sniffs. "Eat your food and listen." Keke does.

"Anyways, there were some babies where we could not tell at all - genitals are such small things you know." Lea continues like this is a normal conversation to have at the dinner table. "Babies who are born early, well sometimes there was nothing easily visible at all, or it all got twisted in there. We always tell those mothers - poor things you can imagine - that God sometimes gives children the journey of discovering who they are, in several ways. Granted, it's typically not like...Nicola's case, but."

"You think there's merit to the idea?" Keke asks. Lea sighs.

"I don't know." Lea admits. "I'll say the idea unsettles me, I'll admit, but well, before the Christian God, the Norse gods of this land changed sex whenever it benefited them. You said that our Nicola is a good little racer, yes?"

"The best." Keke says. "She hasn't been beaten yet, even by the big boys who like to ram into her kart."

"Then maybe God made Nicola's path more complicated because he realized he gave her the wrong body for her craft." Äiti reaches across the table and gently rubs Keke's forearm. "That means our job is just to fix the physical to match." She then smiles.

"Besides, I've always wanted a grandson."

✦

Keke and Sina travel to Paris during Nicola's winter holidays, the closest place that has proper hospitals specializing in "gender-identity disorders" or so they call them. The Hôpital Pitié-Salpêtrière is a tall, gothic building with domed iron roofs and large metal gates. The yellow curtains do nothing to make it look more cheery, especially not with the withered gardens surrounding the walkway: it feels like they're leading their child to a mental institute rather than actual help.

Fitting, because as a plaque so helpfully tells them, the Hôpital Pitié-Salpêtrière used to be one of the largest asylums in Paris.

"This is a hospital right?" Sina asks him as Nicola skips down the path, several toy cars grasped in her fists. Isä and Äiti had given them to her from Christmas, the first time they had not given her a smock or dress, and Nicola hadn't put them down since.

"That's what the doctor in Nice said." Keke confirms. Upon the advice of the therapists, they'd tried to take Nicola to their private clinic in Nice, the one near Nico's school, but they said they wouldn't be able to help.

"We're not certified in that kind of practice," Dr. Laurent had told them, giving Nicola a lollypop even though she hadn't had to do anything. "Especially not in children so little as seven. But Paris has some good doctors; I've heard stories from doctors up there about children switching sexes before their teenage years, sparing them years of pain. Apparently, the body not matching the mind can cause severe physiological distress."

Despite the winter weather, the hospital is cold and empty when they walk in rather than the warm inviting entrances of Yule. A small sign in French points to the receptionist's desk through a large wooden door, but there is nothing to make the place look appealing. Keke and Sina exchange looks.

Pushing open the door, they reach the receptionist, who signs in 'their child', then ushers 'their child' and them to the waiting room, where after around ten minutes, a doctor calls for 'the child of Keke and Sina Rosberg' is to see them.

"Children alone." She says when Keke tries to follow. "It's okay, Dr. Moreau will take very good care of your child." Disgruntled, Keke and Sina sit back down, watching the clock ticking down.

"They only referred to him as 'our child,' did you notice that?" Sina whispered to him. There's a few people in the waiting room, none of whom seem to be paying any attention, but they still whisper just in case.

"Maybe it's common practice." Keke whispers back, thinking about the severe physiological distress Dr. Laurent mentioned earlier.

They sit in the waiting room for what feels like hours, watching as other patients and their families check themselves in. Most people come with what Keke assumes must be their partner, all wearing flamboyant dresses, crisp suits, and other formal clothing. No one looks younger than thirty. Keke and Sina are horrifically underdressed.

"Did we bring him in too young?" Sina whispers, looking around. They catch the eye of a woman who smiles at them and they smile back politely. God Keke wishes he'd brought a book or something.

"We'll find out." Keke says. That's all they can do after all.

✦

Dr. Moreau is a tall, thin, blonde woman with tight features and a stern bow. She greets them with a nod, but nothing more and directs them to two chairs across from her desk with no flair. Concerningly, Nicola is nowhere in sight.

"Mr. Rosberg, Mrs. Rosberg." She says flatly. "Thank you for bringing in your child. I have the results of our preliminary tests right now." She speaks with a firm Alsatian Accent, which is oddly comforting. Alsace is only around two hours from Weinsberg after all.

"I'm sorry, where is...our child?" Sina says carefully, clearly remembering the 'your child' language from earlier.

"He is playing in the playroom." Dr. Moreau says, not looking up from where she is organizing the test results. "We have a small room for our younger patients, though typically they are not that young."

"Did we do something wrong?" Keke blurts out, unable to continue it any longer. "Did we bring him in too young?"

"I would say no." Dr. Moeau says, though her tone is far from reassuring. "I'd typically say yes, but our preliminary tests as well as his lived experience do provide a good base for a diagnosis at this age."

She leans over and hands a collection of papers to them. Keke looks and then pauses. "So did our child....pass? Is that the correct word?"

"It's inconclusive. Nico's close to that, but not there yet. Instead, what we need from you is a lived-life experience test in order to draft the proper paperwork." She adjusts her glasses. "If you want my honest opinion, I'd be happy writing up a plan and signing the diagnosis forms now, but the law requires it to be much more difficult than that so lived-life experience may be your best bet."

"What is that?" Sina asks and Dr. Moreau shoots her what can not be described as a nice look. It occurs to Keke that she must deal with people who know what they're talking about most of the time instead of well, bumbling fools like them.

"I would describe it living like...your child is a son." Dr. Moreau says. "Call him Nico, dress him only in boys clothes, everything. Consider homeschooling. While your Nico has identified as a male since birth basically, still, children can have very pure motives and sometimes it's just that they want to play pretend for a while." She looks up at them and they both nod politely. She looks back down at her paper.

"Additionally, get him examined for autism, ADHD, schizophrenia. Get him tested for everything." Upon seeing their confused faces, her tone softens. "I don't think your child has any of these, I should say. This is just so when you come back in a year, we know that there's nothing else that could be contributing to Nico's confusion."

Keke nods slowly.

"Alright, so treat Nicola like a Nico, and get her tested for all other mental abnormalities and illnesses." Keke restates and Dr. Moreau nods.

"Him. And exactly. To be frank, as I said earlier, you're doing a very good thing bringing your child in this early." Dr. Moreau says. "The earlier we find out, the earlier we can treat this in order to have a happy child."

She pauses, then puts down the papers.

"If you want my honest advice, off the medical record." Dr. Moreau says. "I'd say if you both should consider subscribing to magazines about transsexual people and read more about it. Our offices have a PO box in America and the UK so we can send you quarterly versions that may be helpful."

"There are magazines about this?" Sina says hopefully and Dr. Moreau nods.

"Several actually." Dr Moraeu confirms. "Chrysalis started publishing last year in 1991 as did the Transsexual News Telegram. For both of those, you'd need to use the PO box, but that's only a small additional fee. Transgender Tapestry and Transformation Magazine have been publishing for years too. There are some books as well, but magazines are more commonplace."

"And it's normal." Keke confirmed.

"Well it's not normal." Dr. Moreau countered. "But your son's not sick - he's just well, in my opinion, your son."

✦

1993

Nico is delighted to not return to Nico for the spring semester. When they tell him they'll be home-schooling him, he gives them a big smile and hugs them both tight, thanking them. Keke and Sina share a look - if they had known school really was that bad, they would have taken him out of Nice years ago. Sina buys all the proper books and supplies for it, and draws them up a schedule: she teaches languages on Mondays and Thursdays, and they have tutors come in every other school day to teach their subject.

Nico's eight now, old enough where Keke and Sina's combined college-level education isn't the best base for schooling. He is however a little vexed by the realization it is still a school schedule.

"I thought I'd have more time to kart if I was being homeschooled." He complains when Keke refuses to unlock the garage until Nico finishes his French. "What's the point?"

They don't properly tell Nico what the point is - nor do they tell the neighbors. Whenever people ask, they say Nicola is sick, a gut disease, very bad and scary and contagious. It's harsh but people tend to leave them alone after that, though they do get a few well-meaning get well soon cards in the mail. Sina tried hard to stash them in a place Nico would never look (her underwear drawer); however, one day the truth comes out when some of Sina's laundry gets mixed up with Nico's at the dry cleaners and Nico is helping her put it all away.

"Why are they telling me to get well?" Nico says with a laugh, ruffling through all the cards, clearly hoping some of them included monetary well wishes. "I've never been better." In truth, Nico's right. Though the family has been quite isolated, particularly Nico, who only leaves the house to kart or follow them around when they go shopping, Keke can tell they're all doing better. They laugh more often, Keke eats better, and even Mika comments on how good the family looks when he joins them on their vacation to Ibiza.

"I don't know what those docs in France told you, but Nicola's looking incredible." Mika says, watching as Nico takes a running jump into the pool.

"Nico," Keke corrects instinctively. The name has oddly been the easiest part: Nico's been begging them to call him Nico since he was three after all. Keke still messes up the pronouns a bit, but Nico pouts and stomps away from him when that happens so it's been a quick learning curve.

"Nico." Mika repeats. "Huh. Guess that explains a bit. So he's like, what, a reserve Coccinelle?" Keke grunts in agreement. Coccinelle was one of the several figures Keke's learned about through the magazines they've had delivered to their house. Every night, he and Sina choose a new article to read and then summarize it to compare against the other stories and papers they've read. Some are delightful, some are terrible (both in grammar and in content) but it's left them at least feeling like they're more in control of themselves.

They also found some books. Most of the published books out there are about trans women like the autobiography of Christine Jorgensen and Man into Woman by Lili Elbe; those are helpful, but not what they're dealing with. It's hard but they end up finding a few by trans men like Mario Martino, Michael Dillon, and Karl M. Baer. They're lucky they raised Nico to be multicultural: Mario wrote in Italian and Baer wrote in German. Nico sometimes reads it with them, but often doesn't.

"They're my feelings." He says. "I don't think I need to read about them, I just feel them."

Keke privately disagrees. He's read the chapters about how hard puberty and teenage-hood is for transsexual men, and all of them say 'if they had had a story like this, it would have felt better.'

Keke trusts their word a little more than he trusts that of his eight-year-old who hasn't lived through puberty yet.

✦

A lot of the articles they read are from America. They work together to paint an idealistic yet fragile image of a community of people like their son, people with whom their son could relate to.

Keke won't deny he is worried that his child has no friends, and certainly here in Monaco will never have friends who are gay or who have a gender disorder in any sort of way. Several of the books highlight that being an outsider means they reached for a second family, sometimes first family if their biological family was not accepted.

Monaco has no such resources.

He and Sina have discussed moving to America, Singapore, or Sweden several times - the countries that seem the most accepting of children like theirs, the most likely to have these small second families. All their conversations however have come away with a negative. Singapore is too far away, Keke has bad memories of Sweden, and the spread of HIV in America scares them away from it.

There are more queer (Keke has learned that is the best term to encompass gay people and people like his son into one group) people in America, but there are also more people who are aware of trans people like their son and hate him.

No one in Keke's life or community knows what being transsexual is, if they know the term at all. Keke sees this as the better of two evils - if the world is never going to be accepting, it is better for the world to think their son is a little strange, than to know the language to hate him, or hurt him.

Here in their little corner of Monaco, the world has not caught up yet, and that is safer for their Nico.

Keke hopes he's making the right choice.

✦

Mr. Abadie delights in the experiment they're doing.

"He's already doing so much better mentally." He chats to them after one meeting. "I've never seen a treatment curve depressive symptoms so effectively."

Severe physiological distress, Dr. Laurent had said. It's terrifying to know how close they were.

✦

Over Christmas, they fly back to Germany and stay with Sina's family, a scary act in and of itself. Sina's parents never approved of her marrying a Finnish racing driver - "too much instability, too little German" - but Sina had never cared much for their opinion. She's frankly never been one to care for tradition, as seen by her saying 'why not?' instead of 'I do' to their wedding vows. It's one of the endless reasons he loves her. Their dual decision to move to Monaco (which the Gleitsmann-Dengels see as Keke's decision to move him and his family to Monaco) had been the final straw and there has been rare contact between the two parties since. They had refused to show up to Nico's Christening, every Christmas the Rosberg's spent in Monaco, and fully cut contact with Keke's parents.

Good riddance, in Keke's opinion, but they are still Nico's grandparents and deserve to know about their son during this time.

He and Sina had weighed the reality of stopping Nico's lived-life test when they went to Germany to see Oma and Opa, but they had decided against it. Every day, it becomes more and more clear in Keke's eyes that their child may well indeed be a son and to ask Nico to go back into acting like a girl just for his family seems...well, Keke isn't sure how it feels outside of bad.

They arrive at the house late the night of the 21st, and Keke sees their smiles twitch slightly upon seeing Nico. Indeed, as soon as Nico, tired from a day of travel and in general quite a sleepy child, goes to bed the questions start.

"You have allowed her to dress horrifically." Margarete Dengel sniffs, virtually as soon as Nico's door closes. "She looks like a boy."

"An ugly boy." Heinrich Gleitsmann adds. "A real ruffian."

"Thanks Papa." Sina says dryly before Keke can give his in-laws a good talk. "Look, we need to talk to you both about our child actually."

They sit at the kitchen table, the air dry and the mood curdled. The Gleitsmann-Dengels still like using candles at night time so the faintest whiff of lilac fills the air, contrasting horribly to the ugly shadows thrown over everyone's faces. The Gleitsmann-Dengels offer some sort of brandy and despite the fact Keke and Sina both hate the liquor, they both accept and drain at least a full shot off their glasses upon it being served.

They both know it'll be that type of conversation.

"Becoming alcoholics are we." Heinrich says. It could have been a funny joke if he had bothered attempting to make it sound like one. "Very Finnish of you." Keke lost his grandmother to alcoholism. Heinrich knows this. Keke wants to throw his glass in Heinrich's face.

"Funny." Keke says, using the same tone Heinrich did. Margarete's lips thin.

"So." Margarete says, tossing her hair behind her neck. "What's wrong with our granddaughter then?"

"Our child," Sina says, steel in her voice. Keke has rarely been as proud as he is now. "has what's called a gender-identity disorder. It's a type of mental illness that can be incredibly easy or incredibly difficult to live with depending on how the people around the patient respond." Sina takes a breath and Keke squeezes her thigh under the table gently. She gives him a grateful smile. "What we're doing is following the advice of specialists we've seen in Paris. Nico's specific type of illness is called transsexualism so--"

"He's a tranny?" Heinrich says, disgust clear in his tone. Both Sina and Keke falter.

"Don't call our child that." Keke snaps back immediately. Internally however, his mind is racing. He had prepared for many things: worries that Nico's too young, general unacceptance, even accusations of selling their child to the devil. He's read about those. He hadn't expected them to know the term, let alone the slurs for it.

"Are you serious?" Heinrich says. "You raised our grandchild to be a fucking tra--"

"--Don't call my son that!" Sina yells back, raising her voice to match his.

"She's not your son!" Margarete snaps. "She was christened Anu Nicola. She was born a woman, she will stay a woman."

"And then what, he kills himself at twenty-one?" Keke replies back. Keke hasn't seen the statistics, but he's read the stories. He reads the newspaper and remembers the stories of children led to believe the only place that would accepet them is heaven. Margarete scoffs but before Keke can say another word back to her, Heinrich interrupts, standing up and yelling red in the face.

"Better dead than alive." Heinrich yells back and all the air leaves Keke's lungs as Heinrich had reached into Keke's lungs and stolen it himself. That bastard. That utter bastard - how such a man made so beautiful and lovely a woman in every way Keke will never understand. Sina's staring at her father, jaw dropped. The betrayal in her eyes slices Keke's heart even though it isn't even directed at him.

"What?" Margarete says, even she caught off-guard from the pure hate in her husband's heart.

"You heard me." Heinrich scoffs. Out of the corner of his eye, Keke sees Nico's little head peep around the corner, clutching his teddy bear in one hand. Oh God, he doesn't want his poor son to hear this. There's a hiss of breath as Sina notices too, but if Heinrich does, it doesn't stop him. "A tranny" Nico recoils like he's been slapped. "-is no better th-"

Heinrich's sentence is interrupted by Keke's fist smashing him right in his perfect fucking teeth.

✦

"Trouble with the in-laws?" The midnight receptionist at the nearest hotel asks with an awkward smile. Sina and Nico's eyes are both red-rimmed and Keke's got a black eye and bruised stomach. Heinrich can hit hard, but Keke hit harder - Heinrich had two black eyes and multiple missing teeth by the time Sina had gotten them all out of there. He hopes he broke a rib.

Bastard deserved it.

"One could say that." Sina replies with a tight smile.

They never end up seeing her parents in person again.

✦

1994

For Nico's birthday a few months later, they invite Keke's parents. Keke hates how his son watches their reactions to him so carefully, always carefully like he's scared of saying the wrong thing, of being the wrong thing.

Nico crawls into bed with them the day before their formal brunch, the way he always has when he gets scared. He asks Keke if he should wear his dress, the only one he still has, a garment that Nico has never once wanted to wear. He says that he'll wear it but he can't reach it because Mama had packed it away in the highest shelf in Nico's room.

"No baby," Keke says, pulling Nico into a full cuddle that Nico curls into. "Why would you think that, hm? Your Vaari and Mummu love you just the way you are."

"Oma und Opa didn't." Nico replies back. "What if Vaari and Mummu have changed their minds?"

Lars and Lea got Nico a shirt that reads best grandson ever.

It's a bit on the nose, but it makes Nico and Sina cry, and his family's happiness is all Keke ever wants.

✦

One of the advantages of having Nico home is that it means Keke can bring Nico with him to professional racing events. He's taken Nico to a few, especially when Nico was only about one or two and Keke was still wrapped up with the damn Finnish broadcasting. He hadn't taken Nico for several years by this point, but now with Nico more comfortable with himself, he's more comfortable bringing his son places like this where other people will be noticing them. Despite no longer being chained down by the Finnish broadcasting service, Keke's been managing JJ and Mika for a few years in the junior categories so his presence isn't questioned. Bringing Nico gets him a few odd looks, but Keke's a world champion so no one says anything. The perks of winning, truly.

He shows Nico the garages, the pitstop location, even takes him fully behind the scenes into the driver's rooms where he runs into a few drivers. Most recognize him only as a world champion, but there's still a few oddballs still in the Formula One circus that know Keke as himself and not his title.

"Hey Keke," Gerhard greets him, breaking up from the group. "And this is, uh." He looks to Keke for confirmation. Keke can't blame him: Nico today is wearing a white t-shirt with a blue and gray flannel over it. His hair looks less like a short girl's haircut and more simply that of an eight-year-old boy when paired with his clothes. Nico also however has no Adam's apple, his face is deeply feminine and he's holding Keke's hand tightly. If Keke didn't know Nico was his son, he frankly would have no idea Nico's sex.

Gerhard's a joker. Keke can't help himself.

"Well, it's my child." He responds, pulling Nico out from where he had been basically cowering behind Keke's legs. "See the resemblance?"

"Of course I see the resemblance!" Gerhard laughs. "All the kid's missing is a mustache. I mean, uh, what's." He looks back at Keke, basically begging for an answer on if Nico's his son or daughter. The fact he's unsure sends a burst of pride through Keke's system.

"My son." Keke says, no subtleties used to hide his pride. "Say hello Nico."

"Hi." Nico says, a small bashful smile on his features.

"Trying to make a family legacy?" Alboreto asks, smirking.

"Well, he's the best little racer in France and Monaco." Keke confirms. "I'm looking to enroll him in competitive karting in around a year and a half, when that new season starts up." He squeezes Nico's shoulder gently. "I'm already proud of him."

The drivers coo and mock Keke for the rest of the day, teasing him for going soft, but Nico holds his hand and keeps his head held high. If it provides a history of drivers knowing Nico as a man, well, that's an added bonus.

✦

Around a year and a half after they started the lived-life test, they take Nico back to Dr. Moreau. They have all the correct papers, all the negative psych evaluations, even notes from his therapist, but truthfully, although they know what they're doing this time, it feels more tense than before. All the magazines and books empathized that the type of medical treatments that follow a diagnosis are completely irreversible.

If this diagnosis is positive, which Keke is already sure it will be, then the next steps are ones far more challenging and costly in every way.

The receptionist greets them with a nod this time, clearly remembering them from last time. Can't be hard, considering Nico's still by far the youngest person there. Just like before, they take Nico back by himself and the couple reads books as they wait. They hadn't brought anything last time; they are better prepared now. He'd brought an action novel though Sina had thought it topical to bring the newest books about gay culture she'd found at the library.

"Excuse me," a voice asks softly. "Is that Le Chemin des Fugues, by Sullerot?" Keke looks up as a person approaches his wife, hands clasped nervously in front of them. He can't tell if they're a man or a woman - they're around Keke's height, at 179 cm either hinting to a tall woman or a shorter man. They've got a smart button up with a blazer, but also a patchwork skirt on. Their cornrow braids aren't decorated. Keke did read in books about people that were neither male nor female, perhaps this is it.

"It is!" Sina says, delighted at the question, tapping the chair next to her in invitation. "A good friend of mine found it for me in a library in Antibes. Have you read it?"

"I haven't." The stranger says, slinking into the chair next to them. Their voice is soft, gentle, almost whispery. It drifts through the air like smoke from a candle. "I have heard of it. From friends in my support group. They say it is very good."

"I'd recommend it." Sina says happily. "Oh, I'm sorry. I, my name is Sina and my husband, Keke. We're here for our son, Nico - he's the little eight-year-old you may have seen. We're from Monaco though I'm German and Keke's Finnish so truthfully we're from all over."

"I am Dominique." The stranger says. "I am here for myself, from Menton."

"Nico to meet you." Keke says, politely. He offers a hand and Dominique shakes it. Their hand is rough and thick with callouses, but their nails are painted a shade of light pink and clearly manicured, small perfect almonds.

"Your son is quite young." Dominique says. "I am glad you are supporting him. Many would not." She? He? doesn't say it judgmentally, but the words still somehow sting.

"Well, what else could we do?" Sina says, laughing nervously. She clearly feels the same way about Dominique's sentences. Heinrich clearly came to her mind as it came to Keke's "We love our child, no matter what, even if we do not really know what to do sometimes." Dominique tilts their head, causing a few of the braids to slip down her? his? shoulders.

"Do you have some support?" Dominique asks. "People who could help outside of doctors?"

"We've got books." Keke answers gruffly. "And magazines." Dominique hums in understanding before pulling forth a small business card from a small black clutch. It's good leather, Keke notes, looking at it. Expensive. It's quite similar to Dominique's shoes - small black leather pumps, also clearly expensive.

"There is a group I meet up with in Nice," Dominique says, their voice pitching quite high on the word meet. "For people like me and your son. I would not recommend you bring your son as he is very young. It may be good for you, however."

"Thank you." Keke says, taking the card and carefully tucking it into his wallet. The purse. The shoes. The small bit of eye shimmer, pink as well, The manicured nails. The skirt. The hesitance on words, like the wrong syllable might blow their cover. "Mademoiselle?"

Dominique smiles, her first of the conversation, but before anything else can happen, the Rosbergs are called in by the doctors.

✦

The plane ride home is silent between them. Keke's fingers play with the card Dominique had given to them as he tries to breathe the thin airplane oxygen. The diagnosis was positive, as they had expected of course. As when he was racing, Keke tries to think about this logically: about what these permanent changes would mean for his and his life, Nico and...his life, and for their family, immediate and widespread, their family friends and acquaintances, for their future.

They would have to move, at least to the other side of Monaco to re-establish their life, if not into France or Italy. They'd need to enroll Nico in a new school, they'd need to do an official name change, then there were all the other details the doctor had mentioned: makeup, clothing, voice and speech therapy, and then all the surgeries and medicine like the hormones.

Nico's always hated shots and now he would have to do them for the rest of his life.

There's also the complications that come with the fact Keke is a minor celebrity - how many people in the world grew up knowing Anu or Nicola Rosberg? How many could be convinced to turn a blind eye? If Nico wanted to race, because he's already shown that he wants to race and has the talent for it, how easily would that stay under wraps? How hard would it be for his baby to race in a world that doesn't accept women and doesn't accept men like him? Would the other boys be nice to him - if they knew or not?

It's not fair.

Of course, Nico ends up noticing.

"Is everything okay?" he asks quietly, holding Keke's hand as they navigate through the airport when they land. "Did I do something wrong? I just answered the questions honestly, I could have lied if you had wanted me to, but you always said never to tell a lie." Keke squeezes Nico's hand gently.

"You did nothing wrong, kultaseni. You understand me? Your mama and I, we are...worried for you, but you did nothing wrong." Nico nods solemnly.

"I like Dr. Moreau." Nico says, carefully. Careful, careful, everything Keke's child does is careful. "She said I was clearly a boy, and she called me Nico. She's like Mr. Abadie."

"That's good." Keke says. "What else did she test?" Nico shrugs.

"She just asked me questions about me. Like when I knew I was a boy or why I want to become one. They were kinda weird."

"Well you passed!" Sina said with a strained smile. Nico blinks.

"Well of course I did. I am a boy after all."

✦

They know they should talk about it, once they've sent Nico to bed. Instead, they lay out all the new terms they were given and taught, written on notecards like vocab words on the bed and sit in silence.

Transsexualism. Testosterone - shots versus gel versus patches. Vocal masculinization. Binding. Jaw and hip shaving surgeries. Body dysmorphia. Exercises to broaden the shoulders, narrow the hips. Deadnames. Top and bottom surgeries. Makeup to mimic an Adam's apple. Hormone blockers. Dominique's support group. Hate crimes.

It's so much. And yet somehow it barely seems like enough.

It's right then that they notice one final clause on the test: 'please mail back your acceptance by May 31st in order for this test to be used for other applications or documentation.'

It's April 29th.

✦

Nico's lost three baby teeth over the last month, giving him a crooked smile. He'd skinned his knee tripping over one of his RC cars the other day. His shoelaces are stubbornly untied and he's got a ratty old Scuderia Italia t-shirt on. His legs dangle in the chair and his freckles are on clear display. His hair is cut neatly but he's got a stubborn cowlick, giving him a few more extra inches. He likes holding his parent's hands still, but also swinging their arms as they walk, giving Keke a crick in his elbow. He likes glow in the dark stars and karting and running after geese.

He's every bit his age.

He's only nine.

He looks so small when Keke and Sina sit him down to have a talk it feels like no parent should have to have with their child at this age. "So Nico," Sina starts. "You're not in trouble." Nico immediately relaxes. For some reason, whenever they tell Nico they want to speak to him (and they often do, Keke loves talking to his child), Nico always assumes he's in trouble. It sometimes worries Keke - how much Nico thinks he should be in trouble for.

"We got your test results from Dr. Moreau." Sina says. "She said what you're been telling us for a while."

"That I'm a boy, not a girl?" Nico pipes up.

"Yes." Sina agrees. "Now that we've got the results, we need to decide what to do next. Your options are well, to not do anything in which case we can still call you Nico but you won't be able to get any sort of medical procedures to make you feel more like a man." Nico nods slowly.

"So, is the other option doing it?"

"Yes." Sina says gently. "That one would probably be much harder however."

"Harder how?"

"Well, if you want to have a successful time always being a guy," Keke says. The words cut him in his mouth, imperfect and odd. "There's going to be a lot of sacrifices you will have to make. Firstly, we'll have to move. You'll have to go to a new school, get new coaches, and potentially new tutors too. You can't be in contact with anyone from your old life, except Mr. Abadie, Dr. Laurent, and Dr. Moreau."

Nico's eyes widen. "Even Julien?" Nico asks, asking about the one friend he'd made at the International School of Nice.

"Even Julien." Keke confirms. "We'll have to put you in a different karting league--"

"--But I race as Nico!"

"You do," Sina soothes. "But your gender is listed as a woman. We need to go to a competitive league where no one would have ever heard of you. Not only that, but it will be very lonely. You can never tell a soul about this. You can't say goodbye."

"I can't?"

"No." Keke says. "We need it to look like we had to move suddenly. We don't need people looking for us."

Nico nods. "So that's it? We'll have to start over? I'm okay with that. That's not too hard."

"It will be very very hard." Keke says, reaching across the table to hold Nico's little hand. Nico takes it immediately though it's clear he's a bit confused why Keke's offering it in the first place. "That's just the easy part. You will have to take shots, every week, for the rest of your life. And these shots will hurt. You're going to have to get lots of surgeries, and watch the way you talk. You won't be able to have sleepovers anymore or go to pool parties." Nico nods.

"If you want to be a racer, you'll have to get more surgeries too." Keke says. "They'll cut open your skin and use a saw to thin your hips and jaw, and even then there are some things surgeries can never change. Your neck muscle is smaller than a biological man's. It may be impossible for you to ever build up the standard muscle they have." "

Additionally, you'll have a target on you for the rest of your life." Sina adds gently. "If this news ever breaks, there are several people in the world who would want...who would want to hurt you, baby."

"Like Oma and Opa did?" Nico says meekly and Sina nods, tears in her eyes.

"Yes. Like Oma and Opa."

"But also physically." Keke says gravely. "They would want to hurt you physically as well; even if the news isn't revealed, some people may still want to hurt you if they think you don't look like a biological man enough."

Nico nods, eyes to the table and Keke sighs, reaching across the table to cup his son's face.

"We're not trying to do this to scare you, kultaseni." Keke says gently.

"Well you are." Nico says, voice trembling. Keke sighs, opens his arms and a second later, is pulling his son into a big hug.

"It's a big decision." Keke says, pressing a kiss to his son's golden hair. "It's a very big and very scary decision, but unfortunately and unforgivingly, you need to make your decision now if you want to live a boy publicly. Your test and our paperwork only allows thirty days for us to approve it, and either way, we can't hide you away from the world forever."Nico sniffs again, curls deeper into Keke's arms.

"If I want to drive, do I have to be a boy?"

"No." Keke says. "Remember Michèle Mouton? Lella Lombardi? There are several good female racers."

"Okay."

"Is that what this is?" Sina asks gently. For a split second, Keke deeply hopes so. He knows that's not what's happening, but the hope of an easier life for his child is so overwhelming, Keke hopes for a split second his daughter is just deeply confused and has somehow been deeply confused since she was three.

"No. I know I'm a boy." Nico says carefully, not even dashing Keke's hopes because Keke had known they were delusions. "It's just...scary."

"It's very scary." Sina agrees. "You don't have to make a decision now. But we need an answer at the end of the month to send back to Dr. Moreau so we can't give you all the time we should." Nico nods in understanding, except with his age it really feels like Nico may not know what he's walking into.

"So, if I say yes, do I do all of that?" Nico says quietly. Sina and Keke exchange glances.

"Well, you would choose how much of that you would like to do," Sina says carefully. "But in an ideal world, you'd be able to do as many treatments as you'd like in order to feel most like a man."

"But Nico? Most importantly, you can never tell a soul." Keke says, looking into his child's big wide eyes, praying to a God that has made their journey so difficult that Nico understands the severity of this moment. "Never. Do you understand me, Nico?"

Nico nods. "And if I do all that, will I be a boy then? A real boy?"

Keke hunches down, gets eye level with Nico. "You were born a real boy." Keke tells him. "No matter what your biological body looks like, baby, you are a real boy already." He can't put ideas in his nine-year-old's head that in order to be a real boy, he needs several surgeries he medically can't consent to yet.

"But if I want to call myself a boy in public, I need to do all this?" Nico asks.

"Not all of it." Keke says gently. "But the books we've read say you may want to and it feels unfair to not make you aware of everything you may want to do."

They don't make a decision that night. They tuck Nico into bed and then Keke drinks several shots of vodka just to get out of his head. He cries.

A few days later, Nico approaches them.

"I want to do it." Nico says.

And that is that.

✦

1995

The first step to the process that Dr. Moreau recommends is getting Nico a new name, and for that, they need to go back to where Nico was born to change his passport. Sina doesn't hesitate on it - as she puts it, Nico's already nine, almost ten, so they have no time to waste. After all, if Nico wants to be fully transitioned by the times he's ideally racing in Formula One, which is to say his early twenties, they've only got around ten years and at least five of those years will probably be paperwork. She takes a trip to Wiesbaden and returns with a thick book tucked under her arm, a massive collection of German legal code.

"This is bullshit." Keke declares on page three. The German's so horrifically convoluted Keke gives up reading it on page three. Sina snorts.

"I had to carry this around in my bag for miles." She laughs. "The least you can do is help me read it." "It's still bullshit."

After hours and with Nico playing with cars in the room next door, they finally find the pages on the Transsexuellengesetz. All their hopes are quickly dashed.

"They require more diagnoses." Sina mutters, leafing through the five pages dedicated to the cause.

"Think they'd accept France's?"

"Doubt it, knowing Germany." Keke says.

"Scheiße, and we spend so much money on it." Sina curses. He laughs.

"At least we have it. We can use it for school - that and money should make Monaco schools call Nico by the right name." They've kept homeschooling Nico since the appointment and plan to do so until they can get the name changed. If this goes well, they have a plan to enroll him in a real school next semester. They keep looking and the more they read the worse it gets.

"It requires sterilization. Scheiße, all of these places required sterilization," Sina whispers. "Germany, Finland, even Sweden. Monaco and France don't even have rules."

"And it's not possible to change a name for other reasons in any of these countries?" Keke asks and Sina clicks her tongue.

"Look." She says, using her finger to underline a sentence buried within a thick paragraph. "It says we have to go to the standesamt, and then they have to decide if it's valid."

"Valid?"

"If the name is embarrassing enough to justify a name change." Sina mutters. "How stupid. If we consider it embarrassing, that should be enough."

Keke looks back over the book, flipping the pages over again and again, as if the answer would magically leap from the page.

"Oh, hold on." Sina says, looking at a column Keke hadn't reached, under Einwanderung. "Look here, if, quote, 'immigrants who acquired German citizenship wish to change their names, especially if their original names were difficult to pronounce or write in German, to something more Germanic, please submit a claim to the standesamt.'"

Keke and Sina look at each other.

"Anu is a very Finnish name." Keke proposes.

"Very finnish." Sina agrees. "Anu is very hard for the Monégasque to say."

"And it sounds like a boy's name in Monaco, we could spin that." Keke says, gaining speed.

"It's unpatriotic for a German abroad to not have a German name." Sina adds.

"Very bad. Very bad indeed."

"Truly dreadful." Sina says, almost giggling with glee.

They have their in.

✦

Keke has never left anything up to chance, especially not when it involves his family. Two months before their meeting at the standesamt, Keke reaches out to an old friend Leon in Germany. He asks Leon, who's involved with the government, to arrange a dinner between them, him, and a few other people involved in the standesamt. It doesn't include the person who actually handles the paperwork - Florian Hoffman - but Keke knows how shitty German bureaucracy works: it's all in people you know who know other people who (and so on).

The dinner is deeply casual and by the luck of the gods, Judge Fischer, the person Leon noted to Keke as having the closest connection to Florian Hoffman, is a Formula 1 fan. As dinner is happening, Keke mentions his friends in Formula 1, his son's desire to enter Formula 1, and how impossible it would probably be because his wife gave his son a bad name.

"She named him Anu, which is a feminine name." Keke bemoans. He's acting drunk, like he's properly drained the seven beers that have been served to him over the course of the evening. In truth, he had emptied many into his pants - Keke needs to be bone-cold sober to make this work and a small annoyance like wet pants won't stop him. "I was away racing and so she, trying to be kind, named him Anu because she thought it was a cute nickname for Antti, which was my grandfather's name, not realizing Anu itself is a women's name in Finland." This is all lies of course. Not only was Keke there at Nico's birth, but Keke's grandfather was named Kaarlo - Keke's proper name, Keijo, is in remembrance of him. The table though, of course not knowing this, oohs in sympathy.

"It gets worse." Keke continues. "I then find out she gave him Nicola as a middle name after her great-grandmother so my poor Nico has two girly names." The table laughs and groans.

"Could you not get it changed?" Someone asks and Keke shudders.

"That is the problem!" He says. "The German system is so shit!" That gets a cheer of agreement across the table. "They would think I am trying to change his sex or something, taking his name from Anu Nicola to Nico Erik and then refuse it or bury us in paperwork." Keke and Sina, with Nico of course, had agreed on Nico Erik a few nights ago. Nico is the name he's been going by, at least in some form, since he was three, and Erik is Keke's middle name. Plus, Erik sounds German.

"I know the guy who handles a lot of that paperwork." Judge Fischer pipes up. "If you, well if you can get me a few autographs, I think I can convince him to turn a blind eye..."

"Deal!" Keke says, his exuberance not needing to be faked. "And can he double-check that my Nico's still classified as a boy? I know after the wall fell-" Another cheer arose. "-a few of the genders and paperwork got swapped around and such."

"I'll make sure your boys a boys Rosberg." Judge Fischer hiccups and Keke can't stop the tears of joy running down his face, though he says they're from laughter when asked.

It's not a clean way of doing it - getting a judge drunk and bribing him with Michael Schumacher birthday cards. It is, however, the most effective.

✦

They take a trip to Germany. They tell Nico that it is to see where he was born, but in reality, it's to go to the standesamt. They find out there that they can't change the legal birth certificate without sterilization, annoyingly, but they can apply to change the gender and sex of the German passport and all other German identification that comes from the courts.

They do.

Anu Nicola Rosberg, female, enters the country with them -- Nico Erik Rosberg, male, leaves a month later.

Chapter Text

1995

There's much more that goes into becoming a boy than just the name. Keke knew that of course, but it's different seeing all the pieces he needs to assemble. 

At Dr. Moreau's recommendation, they find Nico a speech therapist about an hour and a half outside of Monaco and feed him a whole convoluted story about how their son (see his name? His very masculine, very German name?) was kidnapped and raised as a girl so can he please teach their son to speak more like a man? Keke is sure the man didn't buy it, but he didn't ask any questions and that's all that matters.

They move, going from Larvotto on the Northeastern tip to Fontvieille in the south; realistically it's barely a kilometer's distance but it's something, new neighbors at least. They enroll Nico in the International School of Monaco. The school board raises an eyebrow when Keke and Sina submit the new German papers, but a bit of money goes a long way in securing his son's happiness. The children at school still tease Nico, calling him "a sissy boy with a feminine face," but Keke reminds Nico that they think you're an odd boy and not an odd girl, and that does wonders in cheering him up.

They get Nico a new physician, a new wardrobe, and a new backstory with some forged medical forms that claim Nico had some sort of medical disease when he was little (basically covering for the lived life experiment). They enlist Nico in walking lessons to break the backwards stride all women tend to have, and Keke hires a personal trainer to start building up Nico's leg, chest, and neck muscles. They lecture Nico on pronouns in french until Keke's tongue falls off, and teach him how to ride a bike, a unicycle, box, and to an extent pull pranks - the most common things boys seem to do nowadays. Sina even puts up a mat around the toilet so Nico can practice peeing standing up, though they empathize that while at school, Nico needs to use the stall.

They also destroy all the 'evidence' as Nico calls it of his biological life. Names are scratched out of phone albums, Christmas cards are burned, and the older sentimental items Keke and Sina can't bare to loose are sent to Keke's parent's house. They choose the photos they display in their house carefully, put up the artwork Nico made when he was four and signed it Nico, and Keke offers up the image of Nico in his blue baby blanket to any racing tabloid that wants it, even the Finnish press which he despises. "It's just to clear up a misconception I've seen." Keke says, when an overly eager reporter manages to corner him and ask. How could my son, Nico Erik Rosberg, the very masculine German name, be a girl if they swaddled him in blue blankets from the moment he was born? My wife and mother Lea just liked putting him in smocks and bows because they had wanted a daughter.

They potentially go a little overboard, looking back on the memories. They even painted Nico's room blue, though yellow is in every way a unisex color, and hung football posters on the wall, even though Nico's never liked football. "It's manly?" Nico said politely upon seeing his finished room. "I liked it before though - where did you put my Michelle Moutin and Mika posters?" The posters go back up.

In the span of three month, they remove virtually every trace of Nico's former identity from the house, except for in a few small cases like names on birthday cakes. They decide as a family if anyone asks, Anu is an old Finnish nickname that Nico hates. It's not like there's any Finnish people in Monaco to argue it anyways.

✦

A week after Nico's name gets changed, Keke and Sina start attending Dominique's support group in Menton. To say it was awkward the first few times is an understatement as the couple basically got starred at for being straight. All the wariness vanished when they brought in pictures of Nico thankfully.

Dominique's group is a mixture of a drinking club, therapy, and monetary support group, Keke soon learns. Every week they get together, sipping someone's bottle of wine and discussing relevant issues. Some of the issues are actually relevant, like gay rights in Europe and the AIDS crises, while others (like anal sex) make Keke want to wash his ears in bleach. More than anything though, Keke learns about their experiences- particularly from a trans man named Michał Krawczyk, who sees Keke and his little notebook (what, is he meant to remember everything?) and basically takes him under his wing.

"Hormones are going to be a bitch for you to get." Michał tells Keke cheerfully, his thick Polish accent slurring the words. "I got my prescription at Princess Grace here, but have to travel to Marseille to get my hormones, and I had to get sterilized first." Sterilization, Keke has learned, is a bit of a black topic here.

"So do you recommend I go to Paris then?" Keke says, writing Monaco in his book. Michał shrugs and steals one of Keke's cigarettes. Keke is a chain smoker and Michał, upon realizing this and realizing Keke had the money to afford the good Davidoff cigarettes instead of his usual Viceroy or Dural, had started demanding Keke bring them to the meetings. "The gay tax," or so he calls it.

"Amsterdam or Stockholm are better than the French." Michał says. "Give me a week, I have a friend in Zaandam whose coming to visit and I can find out who she uses."

More than anything, Keke realized early on, the support group is best for connections and knowledge - the exact reason Dominique cites as why she started it.

"It's hard enough to be trans." She tells Keke, swiping the whole pack instead of a stick. "Might as well share the good doctors."

✦

A few months into the school year, Nico declares that he wants to invite a friend over for a playdate, a momentous occasion in and of itself. Nico only really had one friend in Nice, Julian, but even he had never been to their house. Despite the best efforts of Keke and Sina, the house is still haunted by Anu: a forgotten monogram, an old doll in the attic. For Nico to invite someone over was, as he put it, 1) him determining that the house wouldn't out him and 2) Nico deciding that the friend wouldn't have a negative reaction if they knew.

How Nico is able to judge that, Keke isn't sure but it frankly isn't his problem.

Keke is additionally surprised when he pulls up in his car and a little girl, Vivian, as she introduces herself gets in. Nico, ever since he was little, only made friends with the boys in his class and the trend continued in Monaco. It is such a thing that Sina worried if Nico purposefully stopped himself from making friends with girls because he was worried about being outed. "I think it's just because he's a boy and eleven is typically an age when girls still have cooties." Keke reassures her. "You're right." Sina agrees.

Vivian Sibold however is no boy, though she is a tomboy. She's tall for her age, with big blue eyes and long straw blonde hair falling in a flat sheet down her back. For a second, Keke thinks she looks exactly like Anu would have looked, but then he shoves that thought deep into the back of his brain. It's more than cruel to compare his living son to the dead.

"Hello," Vivian says politely. "Thank you for driving." 

"No problem." Keke replies. "I'm happy Nico's having friends over." 

"Papa's good at driving." Nico pipes up. "He's so good at driving he's often bad at driving on normal roads." It's true to an extent, but that doesn't save Nico from getting a flick on the forehead when they arrive back home. 

Vivian and Nico disappear upstairs as children do. The house soon fills with their hushed giggles and chatting, energy so contagious Keke can't help but smile. Look at his son, so friendly and outgoing now that he is comfortable. If Keke had known this would be how Nico would be when Nico was Nico, he would have submitted the paperwork the day Nico was born. He ends up settling in the kitchen, reading another one of his books (this one Eloise of the support group had lent him) and setting a kettle onto boil. He'd love to talk to Sina, but unfortunately she's out of town on a girl's trip to Dolceacqua. Keke would be jealous, but he knows the woman hosting it, Catarina Grimaldi, is the devil incarnate according to Sina, so he's quite happy to say here and bask in his child's happiness. Nico is so clearly happy and energetic now, it makes all of Keke's old memories of him gray and dull in comparison.

Christina Sibold shows up at the scheduled 6:00pm pickup time, but both Nico and Vivian turn on their best puppy-dog eyes and therefor are afforded another hour of play. To be truthful, Nico doesn't have the best puppy-dog eyes; Keke's just rarely able to say no to his son. Outside of acceptance, Nico has asked for little in life, yet he's had to sacrifice basically half his childhood to get the acceptance he needed to survive. Anything he asks for that Keke is more easily able to grant Keke scrambles for, even if Sina mocks him for being too soft on their son. 

Christina is from Hamburg and a single mother, though that's about all the conversation Keke is able to extract from her. She stands in the living room, reading the book and magazines titles with a clear interest to seem invisible. Keke realizes, following her eyes, just how much of the media in their house is queer in nature, explicitly queer by the title at that. He steels his heart. The support group had always said having proud parents that support them internally and externally was important and therefor Keke will not let this woman, whose wandered into their home, intimidate him. 

"You read lots of queer literature." Christina says, back to him. Her posture is ram-rod straight, shoulder basically caressing her ears. 

"Yes we do." Keke replies. "They're informative." He tries not to glower at the back of her head. He wishes Sina was here. Sina was always better at defusing conversations, at navigating the land mines Keke always seems to step on with his full force.

"I, yes, yes. I agree." Christina says quickly, blush evident on his ears despite her turned back. Keke can see a small chain clasp on her neck and tries to remember if she had any religious iconography on when she entered his house. Margarete always worn a huge ugly cross, even when she was actively hating her neighbors. 

Christina then spins on her heel, staring Keke down with clearly nervous eyes. "Is your Nico, you know, different?" She asks in a high, reedy voice that sends ants of anger crawling down Keke's shoulders.

"No," Keke says, taking a sip of his tea (he rarely drinks tea, but Sina always does and he tends to drink it while she's not around) so he doesn't say something he regrets. Not that he would regret bashing a homophobe to be fair. Is homophobe the right word for someone discriminating against his trans son? He'll have to ask Michał. "Nico's perfectly ordinary and I love him." 

Christina visibly winces. "No, I'm so sorry, that's not..." She's tripping over her tongue and Keke begins to feel a little bad. He's only really encountered one homophobe in the wild (fucking Heinrich and Margarete, the bastards) and they were never as apologetic as she is. "I mean, is he like my darling Vivi? You know, does he batt for the other team too?" 

Keke frankly has absolutely no idea what she means by that, but the fear, hope, and stress is so clear in her eyes that he throws her a bone. Plus, she said like my darling Vivi. If Christina had proven anything, it was that she loved her child. 

"My Nico is transsexual." Keke replies, heart in his throat and hoping he was making the right call. "If that's what you mean." Christina's uptight facade collapses in on itself and she almost falls into the couch opposite him in relief. 

"It's not, but that's, that's lovely!" Christina says, smiling so wide it's almost bringing tears to her eyes. "My Vivian, she is a lesbian, and I just, I hoped, I saw your books and I just...." She sniffs, looking up to the ceiling and Keke wishes he could do something to comfort her, but he's not sure what would be an overreaction. 

"Would you like some tea?" He asks instead, lips thinning when he hears Sina laughing in her head. Christina blinks, then lets out a breath. 

"Sure Keke. That'd be lovely." Keke gets up and then to his surprise, Christina follows him. 

"You just don't understand how good it is to find some sort of community here." She continues. "Wilhelm, Vivian's father, he wasn't supportive and he kept our house back in Hamburg so I moved back in with my mother here, but everyone's so religious here! I was so scared when you paused you were going to be one of the those academic types that only likes reading about gay people in theory." 

"There are people like that?" Keke says surprised. 

"You have no idea." She confirms. "We ran into one of those in Germany - that was another reason why we moved here." There's a pleasant pause where she catches their breathe a bit more. 

"I was so worried she wouldn't have any friends." Christina admits and Keke hums in agreement.

"Well you have us." Keke says, pouring her a glass. "And your Vivian has my Nico." 

Christina smiles again and up close, Keke can see her necklace is of a double Venus. He really shouldn't have worried, clearly. 

✦

Keke enrolls Nico in the larger karting competitions and the results of being a big fish in a Monaco bubble quickly become apparent. Nico does quite well in his first races, always finishing in the top half, but for a boy who was used to dominating his competition, coming ninth in a fleet of twenty clearly feels like the end of the world. 

"Can't win them all." Keke comforts Nico as Nico sniffles into his jacket. 

"Yes I can." Nico replies sadly. 

Truly nothing like pre-teen arrogance.

✦

1996

Keke absolutely hates drawing lines in the sand, but for his son's safety, he will do so; an opportunity for that arises when his son comes home with unnatural nails and something glittering in his ears. 

"Hi Isä!" Nico chirps at him, which is a red flag in and of itself. Nico is of the age where Keke breathing too loudly in a room while get him huffs and mutters, so Nico greeting him cheerfully is something clearly abnormal which needs study. Then there is the Finnish. Despite Keke's clear attempts to keep Nico safe from the Finnish language and therefor the Finnish broadcasting network that had mocked and ridiculed Keke in his youth, Nico had somehow learned enough Finnish to be able to beg for things. Keke had learned that on top of his soft heart, it's even harder to deny Nico something when he asks in Keke's native tongue; Nico, of course, had picked up on this too. Whenever Nico asks Isä for something over Papa, it's Nico really trying to work him. 

"Hello Nico," Keke greets from his spot on the sofa. "What is-"

"-I've got a lot of homework." Nico interrupts, trying to move through the house at a breakneck speed while also seeming calm and collected. "I'm just going to be in my ro-"

"-Nico," Keke repeats. "Come here." There's a pause in which Nico does not appears. "Come here or I'll take away your karting privileges for the week." Nico then trods back into the room grumpily. It's funny, Keke thinks, how the same punishment works in 1996 as it did in 1991. 

"Now," Keke says, setting aside his newspaper. "What is that on your nails." It's not a question and Nico looks at him, purposefully lowering his chin to make his eyes look bigger. Little shit. 

"It's just nail polish, Papa!" Nico whines. "It was from Vivian's party - we all did our nails. Look, I got black! Very manly." Nico then holds his hands out for inspection. Indeed, Nico's got a thick coat of black covering his nails, clearly having been applied by another eleven-year-old. Nico's entire fingertips are basically black and the paint itself is very uneven. Keke nods. Nail polish isn't the biggest of his concerns - it can come off easily and male punk artists in America wear it. That can be played off. His eyes then flip to Nico's ears. That can not. 

"And your ears?" Keke asks and Nico blinks at him. 

"What ears?" Nico says then winces. Yeah, not your best save there, kultaseni, Keke thinks, fighting the grin that's threatening to cave its way up his face. He needs to be the adult in this situation, no matter what stupid shit his kid says. 

"Your ears, Nico Erik Rosberg." Keke repeats. "Ears don't tend to sparkle." Up close, Keke can see that they're blue studs and resists the urge to scoff. Does his son really think he can slap a blue or black coat of paint on anything and pass it off as masculine? Nico's chin wobbles.

"It was a gift." He says, almost tearily. "Vivian got a two-for-one deal! Mrs. Sibold signed the paperwork and everything! They're cool! She asked me in front of everyone; I would have, have looked like a dick if I refused!"

"Language." Keke corrects automatically, making Nico's pout increase. Sure, Keke swears like a sailor in the house and swore like a sailor when he was eleven, but he lived in Finland. Monaco is much more touchy about his stuff. "Alright, Nico, to your point: what sex is our friend, Vivian?" 

"A girl." Nico says, eyebrows knotting together in clear confusion as to why Keke would even need to ask. 

"And what are you?" Keke continues. 

"A boy."

"And what body did God think it'd be funny to shove you into?" Keke asks and he sees Nico's confusion clear into sadness in a millisecond. They've done this exercise before. 

"A girls." Nico mutters. 

"And what does mean?" Keke presses. 

"That I need to look masculine." Nico replies, like reading off the lyrics of a pop song he hates. Keke nods, then gestures to him.

"Then, why Nico," He says, trying and failing to watch his tone as it becomes sharper and more frustrated, "did you think it was a smart idea to pierce your ears and paint your nails? Are those things masculine? Are they?"  

"Everyone else was doing it!" Nico says, anger the only thing holding back the tears in his eyes. "Everyone else Papa! Léo Gauthier's got hot pink nails now and I bet his father isn't screaming at him! I would have looked like a stuck-up priss if I hadn't done it, what does it matter? All the other boys were-"

"You aren't like the other boys, Nico!" Keke cuts him off, standing up so he's not looking down at his son while his son screams at him. "You are a transsexual Nico. You were born a woman and if anyone finds out, they'll hurt you!" Out of the corner of his eye, he can see Sina quickly walk in, but he's too enflamed to care. A trans women was found killed in Paris just yesterday. A trans man in Belgium two weeks before. Why can't his son understand?! "Things like this give it away, Nico! Do you want to yell it from the rooftops next time, yell you're a biological woman and you want the world to know?" 

"Keke!" Sina snaps as Nico bursts into tears and runs upstairs. Keke sighs. Perhaps the rooftop line had been too much. 

"He's putting himself in danger Sina." He says as she shoots him a dirty look. 

"He's eleven, Keke." Sina rebuffs, already halfway up the stairs. "He doesn't understand what the danger is." 

✦

After a dinner in which Nico refuses to leave his room, Keke retrieves a small box from his bedroom. 

"You think that's the right idea?" Sina asks, already wrapped up in her bathrobe. They'd had sandwiches that night as Sina had been comforting Nico the rest of the evening. Keke should learn how to cook better. "Our Nico's very young Keke." 

"You were the one who said he doesn't know the danger." Keke says. "He's young, but if he doesn't learn now, he's going to become a danger to himself." 

Sina doesn't say anything in return. It's clear she doesn't necessarily agree with Keke's approach but she isn't stopping him, so Keke continues up the stairs. 

"Nico, kultaseni?" Keke says after knocking. The doors have locks but Nico rarely uses them. To keep it that way, Sina empathizes to him, Keke needs to knock and ask permission to come in. "I'm coming in, okay? I have something to show you." 

Nico doesn't reply as Keke heads into his room. He's curled up in bed, hands crossed over his chest, looking defiantly up at him with red-rimmed eyes that make Keke's chest burn. His poor boy. Keke knows he can be too harsh sometimes and the consequences of that haunt him. 

"What do you want?" Nico says, sticking his lip out. He's trying to act tough, but it's not really working. Keke knows him too well. 

"I want to show you something." Keke replies. "Can I sit?" Nico doesn't answer but scoots on the bed so Keke can perch on the end. 

"I want you to open this." Keke says after finding a position that allows him to be balanced well enough. "It's not fragile but it's important." Nico takes it from him skeptically then removes the lid to see tens upon tens of newspaper clippings. He stares at then and then turns the box upside down, where they fall in a rough pile on his bed. 

"What is this?" Nico asks, picking one up and staring at it in clear hesitancy. 

"This box," Keke replies, tapping the empty box. "holds all of the stories of hate crimes I've found against trans people in the last four years. People like you." Nico blinks, face now shifting between confused, horrified, and sad. 

"This," Keke continues. "is why your mother and I got you a wardrobe with no pink. This is why we moved without allowing you to say goodbye  to your friends. Why we've spent so much time and energy in switching over all your records. This is why because if you..." Keke swallows. His throat is full of cotton. Lukas Müller, killed by his boyfriend. Anna Schreiber, strangled with her own skirt. Jessica de la Cruz, chased for miles before being caught. 

"If I can protect you from that...." Keke tries again, but the cotton is his throat has turned to bile. Tomáš Novák, arrested and beaten to death in jail. Clara Fernández, sexually assaulted then killed. An unknown prostitute found in Normandy last week. 

"You.." Sofia Rossi and Beatriz Silva, both found murdered in their shared apartment after a man was convinced he could turn them straight. Hugo Dupont, a man Keke knew from the support group who'd been killed by his own brother after said brother found out about his transition. Keke had attended his funeral and found the family had put the dead name on the gravestone. They'd buried his wardrobe under a different patch with the right name.

Nico's looking up at him. He's scooted closer to him, almost in his lap.

"I love you Nico." Keke settles on, the only thing he can say. "And whatever I can do, anything I can do, to keep you safe, I will do." Keke would do whatever it took to stop him from becoming them, from becoming another statistic in a hate crime. The truth he won't accept is that he can't do too much. 

There's a little hand in his and Keke looks down to see Nico's studs in his hand. Up close, Keke can see they look like little cars and that sends him over the edge, as tears drip down his face. In the midst of his tears, Nico shimmies out of his blankets and climbs into Keke's lap, hugging him. He doesn't deserve this, Nico'll never deserve this, that life has been so cruel as to do this to him. 

"I'm sorry Isä." Nico says, tone trembling. Keke feels a wet patch on his shirt. He's made his son cry twice today, truly father of the year. "I didn't know." 

"I didn't want to tell you." Keke says. "Not until you were older, but I need you to understand Nico. There are people out there who would spend their life focusing on hurting you and you can not loose you, Nico. My son, my stars, my only child. Olet elämäni valo. I cannot loose you to them." 

Nico sniffs into his shoulder and Keke squeezes him gently before gently detangling them. Teary eye meets teary eye. 

"This Nico," Keke says. "is why I say it is better to be unlikeable than feminine. It is not that I do not want you to have friends or to look like an asshole." Despite the circumstances Nico giggles and Keke smiles gently. "I tell you to be unlikeable because to have someone make the leap could be dangerous. It is better to be boring and bland and have people think you're arrogant, than to be hurt." 

Nico sniffs. 

"Is this why you say I can't tell anyone, even Vivi?" 

"Exactly." Keke agrees. There's another pause. Keke hopes he hasn't been too harsh, though maybe if he was, that is a good thing. The lessons Keke remembers best are the ones that scared him shitless.

"Can I sleep with you tonight?" Nico asks and Keke, in response, picks Nico up and hoists him up over his shoulder. Nico screams in delight and for just a second, Keke forgets his fears. Later he'll buy acetone for Nico's nails and consider reaching out to a plastic surgeon for Nico's ears. Today, Keke just lets his son be happy.

✦

This is the first year Nico's able to enter professional karting, the type with adults, and to say he's scared is an understatement - he's basically clinging to Keke's torso. It doesn't matter that he's in the mini league against other children; the presence of adults scares him shitless apparently.

"Nico, it'll be fine." Keke says, attempting to detach himself from the octopus arms. "This is how you get better!" No amount of hard advice will sooth Nico's nerves, until Nico's in the car and winning everything. He gets first in the Trophee Jérôme Bernard and the Trophee de France like he's racing against himself.

"Not so scary huh?" Keke laughs and Nico shakes his head. 

"Not scary." He repeats though Keke still finds Nico hiding behind him when other karters approach Keke for a chat or an autograph.

✦

One of the main things Keke has to find for Nico is doctors, and far more doctors than he's expecting is needed. They have Dr. Moreau (the psychiatrist), Mr. Abadie (the therapist) and Mr. Rossie (the speech therapist) already, but there's far more doctors they need: surgeons for an operations as they have to think about that now with Nico's racing, a pediatrician for the rest of Nico's health, an endocrinologist for all the hormones and such, and most importantly a general practitioner, to run everything so Keke doesn't have to. Keke consults with Nico's current pediatrician - Dr. Laurent who recommended they find someone else - and the support group to find a suitable list. Eventually he gets the names:

• Dr. Martijn Vjos in Amsterdam as the surgeon, at least for a top surgery which Nico would ideally get (and wants!) before he's twenty one. 
• Dr. Fabre in Menton, a pediatrician Rosie from the support group recommened. 
• Dr. Bergström in Stockhom as the endocrinologist, the recommendation given by Michał's friend. Keke looks for said Dr. Bergström's paper and indeed, not only is he one of the top endocrinologists in the country, but he's published several paper on the usage of testosterone in teenagers. Keke puts his dislike of Swedes to aside considering the doctor's qualifications. 
• Finally, Dr. Richter in Germany as a new GP - Nico's German passport coming in quite handy there.

Sina oversees Keke's list and whistles to herself. 

"We have the money for all that, and the flights?" She says skeptically. 

"I'm still making a lot of money from DTM and managing JJ and Mika." Keke replies. There's a pause - Sina knows exactly how much is in their bank account of course. "My parents are also helping us pay for it." Keke admits and Sina laughs. 

"There's the truth." She says, smiling. "God, I love your parents." 

Keke does too - he needs to remind them of that more often. 

✦

1997

As Nico begins to kart more and more, Keke soon realizes exactly what kind of racer his son is: he's a data-driven one, analysing the kart's setup and tire pressure over just doing more and more runs. Keke personally prefers this type of racer though it wasn't the type he was - he was a raw skills and a death wise kind of driver -as it serves Nico well here and in the long run. While Nico doesn't have the pure talent to catch some of the other guys, his clear love for the sport and understanding of it means he's consistently on the podium. 

For his prideful son though, this isn't enough. 

"Third place is good Nico." Keke stresses as they drive their way home, Nico sulky and quiet in the backseat. "Better to consistently do well than to win and burn yourself out at age twelve. Consistency is how I won my championship." Nico sniffs. 

"You're a more aggressive driver." Nico mutters. "Your season in 1982 is better than my season right now." Keke is about to explain to Nico just how foolish it is to compare a championship winning season to his karting when he sees Nico wince and shift something beneath his shirt. Sighing, he pulls into the first parking lot he sees as Nico curls into the backseat, clearly caught and not wanting to admit it. 

"Bra." Keke demands, holding out a hand to the backseat. "Now, Nico." He empathizes when Nico just sort of glowers at his waiting hand. Nico for all cases is a fairly late bloomer: he hasn't had his growth spurt, hasn't had his period, and he's still developed little to no body hair. What he has developed however are breast buds, small nickels with Keke can't see (nor obviously is he looking) but clearly drive Nico up a wall with body dysmorphia. 

Keke and Sina were prepared for this, but when the binders they'd ordered through a catalog show up they quickly realize they're not safe. Despite how much Nico likes the results, the boning in them compresses his entire torso, almost like a corset, which is an absolutely unsafe condition in which to race. As a compromise, Sina had bought Nico's sport's bras, the really tight ones ballerinas and gymnasts use, but these two presented problems. As Nico's chest is so small, they end up compressing them fully in, making it just slightly more difficult to breathe. 

Keke and Sina have explained to Nico a thousand times how unsafe it is to wear them racing, but the boy rarely listens. "I need them," he'd explained. "I need them to feel safe, to feel good about myself. They're not a danger." Despite Nico's pleading, they've often had to confiscate them from his luggage and person. 

Keke closes his eyes and there's rustling in the back before there's fabric in his hands. It's indeed a sleek white sports bra and for a second, Keke considers taking scissors to them and making it a non-wearable non-issue. That would make Nico absolutely bawl however, and Keke can't have that. 

"This may be why you got third place today." He says, unable to help himself. 

"I hate you." Nico replies sullenly and they don't talk the rest of the trip. 

Keke's sure Nico does hate him in the moment, but Keke's also sure Nico would hate having a fucked up back that ruins his racing career more. 

✦

It's a beautiful sunny morning and Keke's resting in bed, enjoying his last few hours before he has to drag Nico out to karting. They've started entering the big leagues, the ones where they have to travel and frankly, Keke's been having good fun on the road. He'd even bought a motorhome despite the fact he has no idea where he's going to store it. Keke's debating whether or not Nico is old enough to cook himself breakfast without bothering him when the door slams open then he's shaken harshly. 

"Papa!" Nico hisses, shaking Keke like the world is going to end if he stops. "Papa get up. I need your help, please please get up." Keke thinks he understood about half of those words realistically. He groans, opening an eye then slamming it shut and burying his face in the pillows. 

"Put pants on Nico." He mumbles. Nico, undeterred, stomps up and begins shakes him harder. 

"I can't!" Nico whispers furiously. "Now get up, get up!" 

"You can't put on pants." Keke repeats, rolling back over and slowly sitting up. "You seemed to have no trouble with it when you were a chi..." There's blood smeared across Nico's thighs. Nico's got loo paper in one hand and bloody fingernails. 

"Perkele!" Keke mutters, throwing the sheet off himself. He'd always hoped that the day Nico gets his period would be one where either Sina was with him or it was with Sina alone. Instead, of course, God likes making the Rosbergs panic. 

"I know." Nico hisses. Now that Keke's standing, he can see that Nico's left a trail of blood behind him. Charming. "What the fuck am I supposed to do? My race suit is white, Papa!" 

"Language." Keke corrects, pulling Nico into the bathroom and slamming the door. What a pitiful site they make: Keke's only wearing his boxers and Nico's only wear a shirt. "And what the fuck do you mean, 'what the fuck do I do?' It's not that complicated." He begins opening the cupboard door, searching until he finds the boxes of period supplies. At Sina's request, their motorhome is fully stocked, and only now does Keke appreciate the brilliance of that. He opens up the box of pads and sighs in relief when the packaging is plain and green and not pink. God, Keke loves his wife. She's so considerate. 

"Take." Keke says, holding it out to Nico who stares at it instead of taking it.

"What's that?" Nico says, looking at it like it's going to bite his head off. 

"What's tha--Nico, you are twelve years old." Keke replies incredulously. 

"Well I don't know what it is!" Nico complains. "I was with the guys for sex ed, they didn't cover periods." That, Keke thinks to himself, is an absolute failure on the Monégasque school system. 

"Well, do you know what's happening?" Keke asks, trying to figure out how large the gap in Nico's knowledge is. Nico blinks at him. 

"Of course I know what it is!" He snaps back. "I'm not stupid!" His voice is thin and strangled, like Keke could grab in with a fingernail. 

"Well, then you put this in your underwear." Keke says, hating that he's the one having to do this. "Sticky side sticks to your underwear - wear underwear inside your briefs I know you have them." Keke does, he does the laundry. "The cushioned side goes against the skin." Nico takes the pad, clearly mystified. Keke wonders for a second if Nico thought that period blood just sort of flowed out of the vagina then disappears. It would make sense considering his confusion. Keke's about to leave to grab a mop for the floors when Nico grabs his arm. 

"I can't wear this while racing!" Nico says. "It'll slip out of position or something and then I'll bleed everywhere and everyone will see and then I'll be outed and-"

"Nico." Keke snaps, the only way he knows to break his son out of a spiral like this. "Breathe." Nico takes a breath so deep it sounds painful. Close enough. 

"You don't just use a pad then." Keke says, grabbing the other box, marked light. The tampons are ugly white cardboard when he opens it. God, Sina's an angel. "Use this tampon with the pad and they'll be no leakage." 

"What do I do with that?" Nico asks when Keke throws it to him, not allowing Nico to not take it. 

"You shove it up there." Keke says gruffly, not wanting to have this conversation with his pre-teen son. Sadly, it looks like he has no choice.

"I what?" Nico gasps, horrified. 

"You shove it up there." Keke repeats. 

"Up where?"

"You shove it up your vagina, Nico Erik." Keke says, slightly loosing his temper. "God, it is not that difficult." Nico looks like someone just told him he needs to kill his dog. 

"I what?!" Nico gasps. "I, no! It's huge, it won't fit!" At least he's clearly never seen porn, a sardonic sign of Keke's brain thinks. 

"It's not that difficult." Keke starts but Nico shakes his head firmly. 

"I'm not doing that, I refuse." Nico says, throwing the tampon back to Keke, except Keke's got his hands full with the boxes so it ends up bouncing off him and landing in the toilet with a sad flop. They both watch it expand in silence. 

"Look Nico," Keke says, fishing the thing out. "Hundreds of wo-trans men do this every month, and once you get your hormones, you won't have to do it again." Keke's not actually sure if that's true, but it sounds true. "Now, these are expensive so be careful with them." He hands Nico another and Nico takes it like it's about to kill him. 

"Now," Keke says. "If you need anything, use the motorhome phone to call your mother." 

He then slams the bathroom door in Nico's face. 

Cruel? Perhaps.

Needed for Keke's sanity? Yes. 

He goes to get paper towels and the mop, almost slipping on blood as he does so. When God's not a jokester, he's downright cruel. 

✦

Dr. Fabre takes the news of Nico's period with delight - apparently she'd been waiting on Nico to have it before prescribing him his hormone blockers, something called leuprolide acetate. She calls them into her office to discuss treatment the week they return from Italy after Nico, despite his whining and cramping, had scored yet another P2.

"Dr. Bergström will describe what it does in detail," she says to them in their trip up to Menton as she writes the prescription. Upon Keke's request, she gives a quick summary. It basically stops puberty, she explains - everything from breast development to periods within 1-2 months. The effects are completely reversible so it's a good first step and a good way to tide Nico over, until they can get on testosterone. Nico will need to report up to Stockholm every 3-to-4 months to get the shot and for the next week, may experience hot flashes and discomfort. The main side effect is headaches and a drop in bone density so Nico will need to regularly take calcium and vitamin D supplements.  

"How long before he can get on testosterone?" Sina asks and Dr. Fabre pauses, considering it.

"For his racing?" She asks and it's not said in a judgemental way. That's one thing Keke's really appreciative of: whenever he mentions Nico's racing or karting aspirations, it's never treated as a side-step or less of a concern, just as it isn't one in real life. "I'd say we'd ideally want to have him on a hormone blocker for at least two and a half years so..." She pauses, doing some quick math in her head. "How does around his 15th birthday sound for you? In June?" 

Keke nods. "It sounds perfect." Dr. Fabre smiles. 

"Nico?" She asks, and Keke realizes with a pause that question wasn't for him. 

"Like Papa said, that sounds great." He says. 

And that was that.

✦

Keke looks around the brightly-painted office in mild disgust. No true Nordic would paint their waiting room such bright shades, honestly, this is why Keke hates Swedes. They're in Stockholm, sitting in the waiting area of Dr. Bergström's office. It's empty except for them, meaning there's nothing to distract Keke from the frantic tapping of Nico's foot. 

"Calm down." Keke reinforces. "It's just getting a shot, that's all there is to it." Nico hums in agreement, but his tapping doesn't stop and instead grows faster. Keke doesn't know why he bothers sometimes.

Dr. Bergström is a small fat man with a large smile and careful hands. He talks directly to Nico the entire time, which feels a little jolting considering how most of Nico's doctors talk primarily to Keke, but Keke doesn't throw a fit about it thought he wants to when the doctor wastes fifteen minutes asking about Nico's interests. 

"It's always good to know your patients," he says with a smile. "When you know the person, you tend to be more relaxed and that makes my job sticking you more easy."

He explains the medicine again and even allows Nico to hold what he calls his prop needle. It's a fully functional needle, the exact kind he'll be using for the hormone blockers, but it's a prop because he allows Nico to hold and see it. He shows Nico where he's going to insert it and even marks it when a pen so Nico can see in the mirror. The only time he addresses Keke is when he gives Keke a wrapped box and cards. 

"This box contains your emergency shot. If you can't make it up here for any reason, you'll got one extra so you can do it yourself. It's not too difficult - its an intramuscular shot so you don't need to find any veins or anything like that. You must be careful though, too much of this is deeply dangerous." Keke nods solemnly. He'd never fuck with his child's health and thankfully the doctor seems to understand that. 

"It felt anti-climatic." Nico reports as they walk out of the office. "I expected it to really hurt but it didn't." 

"Well that's good." Keke replies mildly. He's a little pissed off; Bergström had made him book out appointments for a year and a half despite the fact Keke doesn't know when Nico will be karting. Nico blows a little cold of white into the air. 

"Well, it's better than a period." Nico says and Keke nods. 

It's not like he would know.

✦

1998

Sina takes Nico to the spa for his thirteenth birthday. Keke has no idea what they do there, but when Nico comes back, he's beaming. 

"Look Papa!" Nico chirps. "It's clear, see? Not feminine - just good hygiene. Having good hygiene is very manly." It does not, in fact, look manly in Keke's opinion, but Sina sends Keke a look over Nico's head that says play along so he does. 

"Very nice. Won't scratch up the paint on your helmet either." Keke agrees and Nico practically skips away.

Keke frankly has no idea if a gloss coat will actually dull Nico's nails, but the white lie is worth the smile on his face. 

✦

Nico's excelling in school, frankly a bit to Keke's surprise. In his defense, Nico's experiences at schools has been bullying, then home-schooling so Keke won't lie and say he wasn't nervous about how the transition would go. After years there however, Nico's doing more than well.

"He's a quiet boy, but still very social." His teacher writes to them. "It's clear he's very careful with his words as he takes several seconds to speak sometimes, but he's got a fantastic vocabulary and speaks with a lovely pitch." This isn't surprising: Nico's speech therapist had given Nico a list of words to avoid saying upon Nico reporting boys in his class were starting to get voice cracks. 'High tone vowel words' like see, ice, or three were to be avoided if possible while 'low tone words' like dog, broad, and mow were encouraged as they sat lower, making Nico's lewis sound lower. It's camouflage, Mr. Rossi had told them, and you have to practice it like everything else in life. Nico clearly is.

The teacher then reports when Keke really cares about which is that Nico's grades are outstanding, particularly his math and science. 

"I'm also just so glad you allow him to be himself." The teacher ends their talk with. "Most parents wouldn't allow their sons to be so...feminine, you know?" 

She pauses. "Not that Nico has done anything especially feminine to be fair. There's just some tells sometimes, you know?" 

Keke does know. He's spending hundreds of dollars a month conditioning those sort of ties out of his son so his son can be a son with no judgement.

✦

Keke only finds it a little bit delightful to drag Nico to all his networking events. Nico absolutely hates it there and in Keke’s opinion, doing a few things you hate is good for the soul. It’s at one of these events, meeting with new drivers and such, where he finds himself in an unfortunate situation of his own making. 

“Is that your son?” One of the guests asks with no hidden amount of snobbery, and turning Keke sees Nico making himself a makeshift bed with two chairs and around fourteen jackets. How on earth he's got so many jackets, Keke frankly has no idea. He knows why he does though; they’d visited Stockholm just yesterday and Nico always feels poorly for around a day after his injections. 

“Yes.” Keke says, watching as yet another Formula 300 driver approaches his son and donates his jacket to the blanket pile. “He’s resourceful.” 

✦

Nico's made a friend, Keke notes with surprise, looking out over the sea of little karters. It's a beautiful day in Italy and Nico for once is not running back to Keke like he normally does after races, especially races he doesn't win like today. Nico’s been doing that, running straight to Keke as opposed to jointing the other boys in football or whatever it is that they’re doing. Keke can’t blame Nico too much: there’s only so many times you can bring round a new friend, who then immediately asks for your father’s autographs and never talks to you again without getting burned. Though Keke of course wants his son to have friends, he more so wants him to be happy and having those types of friends only makes him weepy and mad. 

Nico cries a lot. Keke knows it’s the triple hit of puberty, hormone blockers, and transsexualism, but it’s still a little disconcerting at times. 

Today, however, Keke watches as Nico’s little yellow helmeted head bobs its way to the first place winner of the track and according to his hand gestures talks to him. Keke doesn’t really the karter in kart forty-four. He’s shown up a few times to the races, but like Nico, has more often than not, disappeared into his garage afterwards, often with his helmet still on. Keke watches the two with interest - noting how they go from standing straight and awkward to lightly shoving each other and hopping around. How cute. 

Keke then watches as Nico grabs the boy’s hand in his (that’s another tell he needs to stamp out from Nico, Keke notes. It’s far more acceptable for two little girls to hold hands than little boys) and the duo wearing identical yellow helmets starts making their way from the track up to him. Keke stumps his cigarette out. Despite the fact he's been a chainsmoker all his life, he always likes pretending he isn't when Nico drags another kid over.

"Isä!" Nico says, pulling his friend along with him, clearly wanting something or another. "Can me and Lewis get gelato? Lewis is from England and he's never had gelato before!" The helmet visor flips up and suddenly Keke is met with two pairs of puppy-dog eyes: Nico's light blue combined by (this boy apparently named) Lewis' deep brown ones. 

"Please Mr. Rosberg? Sir?" Lewis begs. To Nico's credit, it is a British accent thought not the posh London ones Keke often hears around the track. Still Southern though, if Keke had to guess. "We did really well today. We got a 1-2!" Hilarious, Keke thinks, how quickly children will group together in hopes of a collective reward. 

Still, they both did well today and this friend is the first Nico's dragged up to him as opposed to the friend rushing to meet him. That's a good sign, Keke decides. 

"I'm okay with that." Keke agrees, ignoring how Nico and Lewis look at each other in pure glee as he reaches into his purse for a few thousand lira. While money exchange is an absolute bitch, it does give Keke some power over Nico as Nico's little credit card only works in francs. This way at least, Keke can give them money for gelato without worrying about them buying the store. "Have fun! But Nico," Nico looks back in confusion. "Aren't you going to like your friend take his helmet off?" Nico looks over at Lewis like he forgot about that entire detail. 

"We will! For sure!" Nico chirps. He's started adding for sure at the end of of sentences, as the stacked vowels make his voice sound lower or so he claims. "Bye Papa. Thank you!" 

"Nico." Keke calls one more time and Nico turns again obediently. "Lewis and I, not me and Lewis." Lewis giggles and Nico maturely sticks his tongue out at him before the boys run off again. It's only after Keke's collecting Nico's stuff from where he'd dropped it does he realize that Lewis's deep brown eyes had been framed by deep brown skin. Sadly, that probably explains why he runs back to his parents every race, just like Nico. 

This'll be good for them, Keke thinks, eyes tracking as the boys make it to Lewis's caravan. Lewis takes off his helmet and is indeed black as Keke assumed. If Lewis is anything like his Nico, which is to say winning a lot and a minority on the track, he's probably been lonely too. 

✦

Over the next few months, Lewis Hamilton becomes a semi-permanent resident of the Rosberg's motorhome and Keke only has good things to say about the boy. He's very sweet, quite shy, and polite with the appetite of a horse. He lives with his father Anthony, whose also his sole mechanic, in Stevenage, England. His hero is Senna and he got into racing through an interest in RC cars. He only asks for Keke's autograph after meeting him for the fifth time because he didn't want Nico to think he was only there for his dad. He's a McLaren junior driver, has some of the best raw talent Keke's ever seen, and most impressively for Nico, has been on the cover of AutoWeek. 

"That's so cool!" Nico gasps when Lewis brings the magazine around. Keke's making breakfast in the kitchen, but the boys have yet to discover that when you stand a certain angle, you can see right into the living room where they are. In short, the boys think they're being secretive and they're not.

"I bet you could be on it." Lewis says with a grin. "You've got the hair for it." 

"Fuck off." Nico hisses. 

"Language." Keke calls from the kitchen. His bored comment makes Lewis cackle, whose laughter then abruptly stops when Nico tackles him into the couch. Lewis has lit in Nico a competitive spirit that Keke has never seen before, a spirit so aggressive and boyish it takes Keke's breathe away. It's not like Keke's ever had any trouble picturing Nico as his son, but when he's with Lewis, it's impossible not to. They make everything a competition from races to speed of eating to who can throw stuff the farthest. 

Nico's never had that many friends, though truthfully he's never had any friends that have lasted more than two years outside of Vivian. He's liked in school and mostly on the track, but if Keke had to guess it's because Nico's too careful with everything. His son's brilliant but uses his intelligence and some manufactured arrogance to fill in for confidence he'll never have due to his fear of being outed. Keke seen it happen: how, when pushed in a corner, Nico lashes out in a way that makes him seem condescending, smug, arrogant even. It gives Keke some fear for the future when Nico will be having to interact with reporters and PR - he can remind Nico a thousand times that it is better to be seen as bland and PR-trained than angry and smug, but it won't stop the fact that Nico is too scared to relax. 

With almost anyone else, Nico is too anxious and nervous which leads to him not having much of a sense of humor. Lewis however never brings up any of Nico's flaws or puts him on edge. When Nico huffily says he can't go swimming upon Lewis's suggestion, Lewis doesn't tease or mock or press for an answer. He just shrugs then says he bet he could run 10 meters faster than him. Lewis makes Nico laugh in these small interviews which makes everyone more at ease. 

It does wonders to Nico's confidence, absolute wonders.

Anthony Hamilton and Keke also get along exceptionally well. While they differ far more then their sons in terms of status, religion, substance usage, and more, they are more than united when it comes to dealing with troublesome boys. With his permission, Keke takes Lewis back to Monaco with them, and later to Greece. The boys have the time of their life, leaping off of anything they can climb into the sea and staying out all night long. 

Keke's glad his son has made such a lovely friend, but he does have to replace the lock on his liquor cabinet when Nico's Advil consumption increases by 300% and Lewis starts wearing Nico's sunglasses indoors. 

✦

While Lewis is truly a blessing in disguise in most ways, Keke discovers the one downside when he receives Nico's report card. 

Lewis is at a point where he can only focus on one thing: school or karting, and it's clear which one Lewis values, understandably so considering Lewis' raw talent and how much money and time Anthony has poured into Lewis' career. It's a logical decision, but not one that Nico can have. 

The elephant in the room Keke refuses to acknowledge for the time being is that testosterone is considered a doping agent under the WADA guidelines that the FIA use. There's a legitimate chance, Sina brought up to him a few weeks ago, that Nico could get denied from Formula One altogether, simply due to his medical needs. 

It's because of that, he explains to Nico one night, that Nico can't prioritize karting over education just yet though so many of his peers do. 

"Lewis will almost undoubtably make it into Formula 1." He explains. "And you should too - but we don't have the same guarantee due to the medication you need to live a happy and healthy life so we need you to focus on education as much as you focus on your races. You don't know which one will be your future." 

Nico had screamed at him for those comments, accused him of not caring and being cruel. That fall however, Nico's grades had done a steep upwards curve. 

Keke used to think there was nothing more important in his life than his family's happiness. He's had to compromise it to being there's nothing more important to him than his family's safety and health.

It's not a compromise he regrets.

✦

One thing Lewis has a lot of which Nico never mentions is hopes and dreams of a girlfriend. It’s basically all the kid can talk about, and though it’s slightly tiring, it does draw attention to the fact that Nico never mentions it. 

“Do you have an ambitions for a girlfriend or lady friend?” Keke asks Nico one evening and Nico’s nose scrunches into his pasta. 

“Girls are icky.” He replies.

Based purely on that reaction, Keke decides he can shelf the relationship talk for at least another year.

✦

"Do you think I could be teammate with him?" Nico asks him, eyes almost shining in excitement. "When we're both in Formula 1?"

Keke hadn't said a word about it then; he didn't say that the challenges both Nico and Lewis would face in their quest to reaching Formula 1, while different, were enormous. He didn't say that the likelihood of them ending up on the same team, as they had such different skill sets (Nico through understanding data, and Lewis through raw speed) was basically impossible. He didn't bring up that Keke hates all the teammates he had, that F1 breeds that kind of environment like nothing else. 

Looking back, he wishes he had. 

✦

1999

Lewis and Nico are forced to separate a little bit in the early month of 1999, Nico sticking closer to his home and Lewis sticking closer to his. 

"Lewis has obligations as a McLaren junior driver." Keke explained to a pouting Nico after Nico and Lewis had compared their schedules for the year. "He has different circuits he has to race." 

"Why can't I be a junior driver somewhere?" Nico had complained. The truth is that being a junior driver would require Keke handing over Nico's medical records and explaining why he fucked off to Sweden every roughly two months. That's not something Keke wants to explain so instead he states 

"You are lucky enough to have us as parents who can monetarily support you. A lot of people aren't able to do that. Additionally, this will keep all your options open: joining a junior team typically means you only have one team that can take you on." 

"Oh." Nico says with a pause. "Papa, are we rich?"

"Horrifically so, my boy." Keke says with a snort. "How do you think we can afford all your appointments?"

✦

"Why do you call me that?" Nico asks one evening with no preamble or explanation. They're in a hotel in Stockholm for yet another one of Nico's shots, the sun set over the horizon already. It's a smaller room than Keke usually books, but it's good for keeping his son humble. 

"Call you what?" Keke asks from where he's sprawled across the bed. He's reading a book with half his mind, the other looking at Nico in the bathroom where he's brushing his teeth. He's not got a shirt on so Keke can see the muscles in his back. Clearly the exercise regime is working. 

"You call me like 'my boy, my son' a lot." Nico says, spitting out his toothpaste in the sink. "I like it for sure! But like, isn't it a bit weird? Like," Nico pitches his voice comically low. "oh hello my dear son, welcome back from the war." 

"I call you my son and my boy because you're my son and boy." Keke says simply, putting the book down and meeting Nico's eyes in the mirror. "And I read sometimes that having reminders that you're a boy is helpful. A lot of trans men say their body and brain is often quite cruel to them." Nico's froze at the sink. Keke's heart sinks. 

"I can stop of course. I'm not attached-"

"-Please don't." Nico says, voice patchy. He's lowered his head but Keke can see his quivering lower lip in the mirror. "I really like it. It does help." 

"Then I'll keep doing it my boy." Keke says, opening back up his book. 

"Thanks Papa." Nico says, tone more solemn than for the occasion. Than for thanking Keke for just that. Keke would typically respond, but Nico shuts the small bathroom door. Keke's not a perfect parent, but he can tell when his son needs space. 

✦

Nico's plastered male Playgirl models on his wall - big posters with artificial abs and bulges that are so clearly artificial Keke has to suppress his laughter. It's quite a sight, cutting from Mika his friend to Robert Monzi. He's also put out images of Rocky Horror and even a cricket bat by his door. Nico doesn't play nor like cricket.

"Do you think he's trying to tell me something?" Keke asks Sina, who shrugs. 

"He's Nico." Fair enough. 

Nico's also gained an interesting in trans slang, but perhaps that's not the best way to describe it. Nico's been experimenting with the t slur and using it for himself, a normal part of trans development Michał reassures Keke, but it unsettles him. Nico doesn't say it with pride or even with neutrality - he says it in a terrifyingly similar tone to Heinrich. Keke will never raise a Heinrich. 

A tranny breakfast to describe a breakfast he doesn't like, a tranny race to describe one he doesn't finish. He seems to use it every other sentence.  

"Don't talk about my son that way." Keke says one time when Nico had used it to complain about his hair. Nico had stared at him. 

"It's not a bad thing." Nico argues. "It's a way for me to refer to myself." 

"Well then I don't like you using it for all this negative self talk." Keke says. "If you're going to use it, say it about something nice about youself." 

"Like what Isä?" Nico asks. It should be an innocent question, but Keke knows his son better than that.

"You're not going to trick me into saying it." Keke replies and Nico's giggles prove that was his intention all along. He does stop saying it so much though, or at least, stops saying it around Keke to describe things negatively. 

✦

"We may have to stop karting." Anthony tells Keke over the phone and Keke's so shocked, his cigarette almost falls from his mouth.  

"Stop karting." Keke repeats. "Is it money?" It can't be passion. 

"Of course it's money." Anthony groaned. "What else would it be? Being a McLaren junior driver helps, but it doesn't cover everything, espeically not the flights and the meals where the real money is. I almost bankrupt myself flying to South Gardia this year." 

"That's bullshit." Keke mutters. "McLaren could easily pay for it." 

"Well they don't." Anthony sighs.

After the call, Keke sits on the information for a while. A small cruel part of him whispers that that's how life goes, and it's one less competitor in Nico's way. Keke banishes that thought to the back of his mind - Nico's fourteen, in karts. There's more than enough space for two karters now. 

He calls Dan Chiesa and proposes a team for two, something to maximize the talent of two young stars as well as maximize wins for the team. To call it a proposition is a little bit of a white lie - it's truthfully an ultimatum, with Keke threatening that both drivers would quit. It's half a bluff - without this team, Lewis would probably will be forced to quit though Keke could support Nico for another year. 

Whatever you call it however, it works and MBM is drawn up for Nico Rosberg and Lewis Hamilton on the eve of the new millennium. 

✦

2000

Anthony sends Lewis down to Monaco for the news years as "he'll have a better time there" - and so Keke pulls out all the stops to impress him, even if it means they have to bust out that emergency hormone blocker kit so they can skip their appointment. He rents a yacht from an old racing friend and that the boys all across Port Hercules, bobbing on the water as the sky explodes into color when the color strikes midnight. Despite all of Keke’s efforts, the boys are quiet that night, not looking at each other and not talking outside of small thanks when they arrive back in the harbor. 

“It’s probably just awe and tiredness.” Sina reassures him with a yawn when Keke voices his concerns. She’s probably right. 

The next morning, Keke’s up early making coffee when he hears loud thuds on the stairs, which is to say he hears a teenage boy. 

"Nico." Keke greets, trying to hide the yawn in his voice. "How did you sl..." It's not Nico. Instead it's Lewis Hamilton, twisting his fingers into his sleeves, looking more scared than Keke has every seen him.

"Good morning Lewis." Keke says, softening his voice. The boy looks ready to bolt if Keke says the wrong thing. 

"Good morning." Lewis says quickly. "Sir." His voice is jittery and soft and smooshed, like he's trying to say as much as he can without opening his mouth. Keke makes a deliberate effort to school his facial features into something kind. 

"Well, sit, sit!" Keke says, gesturing to their island as Lewis perches awkwardly on one of the stools. "Do you want anything to eat?" Keke says, but it's not really a question. Lewis has never refused food no matter where they are. 

"I, no thank you sir." Lewis says and Keke stops from where he'd been getting the sausages. He'd ordered British ones just to help the boy feel more at home, but it's clear Lewis needs a talk rather than food right now for the first time Keke's known him. Keke nods, puts the package back then leans on the counter across from the boy. There are dark circles under Lewis's eyes and he's avoiding eye contact. He looks like he hasn't slept since he arrived. 

"What's going on Lewis?" Keke asks, trying to think about what could make a teenage boy so nervous. It's clearly not anything romantic based on how Lewis talks. 

"Is it something with your family?" Keke presses gently when it's clear Lewis isn't going to answer on his own. 

"No." Lewis mutters. 

"Something with money?" The MBM team should have made the payouts easier, but Keke knows how much debt Anthony's took on to support his son. Keke's personally sure Lewis knows too, though Anthony doesn't want him to. Lewis squirms in his seat. 

"I, well there's always something going on with money." Lewis says, confirming Lewis's thoughts. "But no, it is, it's not that." Keke nods slowly. Those were frankly his two guesses. 

"Is it-"

"-Nico's on drugs." Lewis blurts out, then swallows deeply. The answer come out quickly like Lewis had almost not meant to say it, but stubborn as a mule like Keke's son, Lewis refuses to take it back. 

"Drugs." Keke repeats carefully. 

"I saw him, last night on the yacht." Lewis says, the words rushing out of him like water escaping a dam. "It was this clear liquid and he took it in a a syringe into his thigh, it may have been fentanyl, I just that's a clear liquid, don't ask why. Anyways, he took it into his thigh in the bathroom and I caught him and then he yelled at me that I couldn't tell anyone, that he'd get me kicked of the team that's us. And I don't want that to happen but addiction is really scary and he's clearly deep in it if he has his own supply on him and my neighbor died of fentanyl and that's really scary an-"

"Lewis." Keke cuts off the boy's panicked rambling. "Breathe." Lewis freezes then takes such a deep breath it sounds painful. In that moment, Keke takes a second to think. Lewis had clearly seen Nico using the hormone blocker last night, and Nico had clearly had the overreaction of the century. His stupid boy. When Keke had said that he can't let alone know, he had meant don't make it incredibly obvious by wearing girly makeup and perfume, not threaten to end your best friends hopes and dreams. What is he going to do with that kid? 

"Thank you for telling me." Keke says, still stalling for time. "However, despite Nico's reaction, that was medicine, not drugs." 

"Are you sure?" Lewis asks, far more relaxed more than he had spilled his secret. "He acted like it was drugs." Yes, because he hadn't told me he was using the kit last night, Keke thinks. He'll need to have a conversation with Nico about that.

"Nico takes some very powerful medication." Keke says. "The type that if abused could lead to disastrous consequences. He was very sick when he was little you see - we even had to home-school him for about a year and a half on doctor's orders." Keke sees Lewis' eyes widen in understanding. It's a believable lie too - not technically mostly untrue either. 

"Was it like, AIDS or something?" Lewis asks. 

"What it is," Keke says quickly. "Is a chronic illness that could cause panic if the larger racing community found out about it. It's still very stigmatized, you see." 

"So it is AIDS." Lewis says, nodding to himself. Holy shit, teenage boys have the processing power of stones.

"No." Keke refutes. "What it is is personal. You can ask Nico if you'd like, but I told him before he was karting that he should do everything in his power to make sure no one ever found out." Lewis nods solemnly again but his hands are still twisting in his lap anxiously. 

"Lewis." Keke says firmly. "You did nothing wrong here. You're concerned for your friend and I thank you for telling me. Now, in this case it's truly nothing for you to worry about; however, it may have been." Lewis smiles bashfully, the same bashful smile Nico had whenever he'd take him to the race tracks as a kid. It truly is like looking in an alternate version of his son sometimes. 

"Good. I'm glad it's not AIDS. My dad says that's like gay disease." Lewis says, scratching the back of his head.

Oh dear.

Keke will need to have a chat to Anthony about that mindset. 

✦

"Take care of my son." Anthony says to Keke and Chiesa before he leaves, start of the 2000 season. 

"I'll take care of him like he's my own." Keke swears, throwing an arm over the boy for good measure. Lewis smiles up at him and Keke knows it's not a promise he has it in himself to ever break. 

✦

Nico spends his 15th birthday by traveling back to Sweden and starting his testosterone enanthate shots. He's young for testosterone but Keke, Dr. Richter, and Dr. Bergström had all agreed it was time. Nico had been on hormone blockers for over two and a half years already at that point in time. Additionally, Keke wanted Nico to be on testosterone so he could submit the doping exemption form before Nico's racing cars. Getting the FIA to agree to an athlete taking testosterone would be a big uphill battle and the longer he'd been on it before he entered the highest ranks, the easier to prove Nico has no advantage.

This is one of the biggest steps, Keke knows. Unlike the hormone blockers, Nico is given almost full control of this medication outside of dosage. He, Dr. Moreau, and Dr. Bergström had decided on a low dose for Nico - one that would increase his testosterone levels to just below that of an average man his age. How could Nico be doping if his levels were still lower than an average man?

Nico had taken that news on the chin, nodding bravely and saying that he understood, and that he was grateful they both cared so much for him as a person and as a racer.

Keke's always proud of Nico of course, but there are moments when the pride swallows Keke whole. 

"Every one to two weeks." Dr. Bergström says mostly to Nico, packing up their shipment. "You should inject it into the buttocks or thigh muscle though considering your racing career has you sitting 90% of the time, I'd recommend the thigh. Reaching your gluteus on your own may be difficult too. Make sure to rotate thighs and where on the upper thigh you inject in order to lessen scaring." Nico nods. 

"This is the same intramuscular injection, but the needle will be slightly smaller in gauge." the doctor continues, giving another prop needle to Nico for him to look at. "The difference now of course being that you have to give yourself the shot every one-to-two weeks rather than coming up to my office every three or so months. If you need a time line, I'd recommend every nine to ten days for that, depending on what your plans are for that day. No racing day of taking it - ideally give yourself it two to three days before a race." He snaps his fingers and both Rosbergs look up. 

"This," he says, handing both Nico and Keke laminated cards. "is your prescription, signed by myself, Dr. Fabre, and Dr. Richter. I'll give you a doctor's note too but this is mandatory if you want to travel anywhere with this. Don't have this and not only will you both be arrested, but Nico here will probably be treated at best terribly considering your sex." Nico nods carefully. 

"You'll feel more discomfort overall." He finishes, taking back the prop needle. "Side effects not expected or wanted from testosterone will likely include mood swings, acne or oily skin, weight gain, and potentially sleep apnea. Additionally, we request blood tests every three or so months in order to make sure it's distributing in the body correctly. No surgeries like a hysterectomy or any sort of top surgery until you've been on testosterone for a least a year and a half if not more. Though it may sound counter-intuitive, the longer you wait, the more likely insurance and doctors are to approve the surgery."

Nico is a racer who can not wait, but the sentiment is appreciated.

He then smiles gently and smally, the most genuine emotion Keke has ever seen from him. "Congratulations Nico. You've earned this." He hands over the testosterone and Keke has to support his son's hand from how they're shaking around the package.

✦

Lewis comes first in the European Championship and Nico comes second. They throw a big celebration the night of and by the end of it, Nico comes basically staggering into Keke's room. 

"Fun night?" Keke ask with a laugh. 

"Hmm." Nico agrees, curling up against him like a cat. Keke's hand instinctively drifts to Nico's hair. It's grown thicker and wavier since starting testosterone - and it's started all across his body. Keke's seen more of Nico's leg hair than he's ever wanted to see - he's even had to get Nico a few waxing appointment so it doesn't look ridiculous. 

"I'm proud of you," Keke says, running his fingers through Nico's hair. "You had an incredible season." 

"Thanks Papa." Nico murmurs, curling up tighter and snuggling closer. "I wish I had won though. For you." 

"You never need to win for me," Keke says with a laugh. "As long as you're safe, happy and living a good life, I'm happy." 

He's answered by a snore. 

✦

2001

On New Year's Day, around six months after Nico's started using testosterone, Keke submits the proper paperwork with the FIA to get Nico a TUE or medical exemption. As testosterone is considered a doping drug in all the formula races and though they rarely drug test the junior categories, Keke is not letting his child's career fall for a doping test after he's invested so much time and money.  

He meets with Max Mosley in person for the meeting as well as several of the other shareholders, including Jean Todt. Why Max had wanted to bring shareholders isn't any of Keke's business but it may actually help him. Keke's hoping with Todt being the head of Peugeot Motorsport, a team Keke raced under, he may be sympathetic and potentially push some non-believers his way. 

He'd asked Nico if he had wanted to come, perhaps to do an emotional plea or something, but Nico's expression told him Nico would rather gargle stones. Keke can't blame him.

"As you can see gentleman." Keke says, passing out all the correct paperwork: the TUE form, a signature from Nico's physicians from the age of three, and a complete packet of his medical history including his hormone treatment, blood work of the last seven years, proposed prescription, and personal statements from Dr. Bergström, Dr. Fabre, Dr. Moreau, and Dr. Richter. "I have made the choice to reach out to you early about this." 

"He's been living like this for a long time." One of the men says begrudgingly, flipping through the forty-five page packet. Some may call it excessive. Keke calls it being very through.

"As you can see on page 37," there's appropriate flipping. "Nico is still on a dosage that puts his body's testosterone levels below that of a average man." Keke had included bloodwork from himself, Lewis (with Anthony's permission), Mika, as well as Susie Wolf, a female karter Lewis had recommended. Her parents had been surprised but happy with the request - apparently they'd been wanting to get blood work done for Susie and as Keke paid for it, it was basically a free service. "It's barely above that of an average women." 

There's murmurs of approval. Keke's heart races. He could actually break through to them if this goes well.

"Additionally, Keke says, "surgeries like jaw and hip shaving would remove more areas where testosterone could have built up in the body in a positive way." Keke frankly has no idea if that is true, but he'll fight, claw, lie, and die for his son. This is no exception. "As Nico takes such small dosages, he gains no advantage in this field. If we're comfortable with Formula One being a co-ed sport, we should be comfortable with allowing competitors of various testosterone level." There's more nods. Keke desperately hopes that his push to get Nico into the formula series does not create a 'F1 for women' or something isolating like that for his son. Despite his hormones, his son is his son.

"As you can see, my Nico fits neatly between that of Person A (Lewis) and Person C (Susie), two successful karters of their own merit." Keke finishes. "He is gaining no advantage from this as we can see from these blood tests and as the packet tells you, there is no reason to assume his switch from karts to cars would give him one." 

"You have done a lot of research on this, Keke." Mosley says carefully. "For someone not even in racing cars yet." 

"He will be there." Keke replies. "He's done incredible in his karting years and I want you to have no reason to worry about an advantage. Give him a blood test before every race if you wish: you'll find no medical reason to deny him. I've been putting off enlisting Nico in the formula series until I have your permission, but he deserves to be there." Keke of course hadn't been doing that - he's been actively campaigning for Nico to get a seat in Formula BNW in the next few years, but they don't have to know that.

✦

Keke makes Nico a website for his karting stats. He should have done it earlier to be frank, but it had totally slipped his mind. It's good both for note-keeping and for evidence. Very few other karters have such records of them with their correct name and age (and sex) so publicly available and going back so far in time. It's the exact type of paper trail Keke knows Nico'll need, especially after what he found in Nico's jacket the other day. 

He'd been cleaning one of them out in preparation for when Nico, currently away in England with Lewis, came home when he'd found a crumpled piece of paper inside one of the inner pockets. It was a slip of paper with one sprawled word: pédé, the french word for faggot. 

Being gay isn't the same as being trans: Keke can't give Nico a new name, new paperwork, or new clothes to dispel any rumors about his son's sexual orientation. What he can do, however, is make sure that no one is able to make the leap from homosexual to transsexual.

✦

While they wait for the FIA decision, Nico and Keke spend hours planning out the surgeries Nico needs to get before Formula 1. Nico needs to be on testosterone for two years before any surgeries can be done, so at sixteen aka around halfway there, it's as relevant a time as ever. If Nico is allowed into Formula 1 at all, the quick time restraints of Formula 1 will make it impossible for Nico to get many more after he enters the sport. Keke also knows that Nico ideally should enter the sport around 2006 or 2007 in order to be young enough where the type of mistakes rookies make are forgiven. That gives them at best, around four years.

"Chest, jaw, hips. In that order." Nico's declares after careful consideration. Keke agrees. The type of keyhole surgery Nico can get due to his small chest size can heal as soon as in eights months - and it'll have to, considering that the other surgeries both take month around a year to heal. That gives them around a year of buffer time; time that would be spent on racing anyways. 

"Nothing below the belt?" Keke asks and Nico sighs. 

"I don't have time do I? All these bottom surgeries take multiple steps and operating on my...you know...and then sitting in a sweaty hot car for hours on end doesn't seem like the smartest idea. Good chance of infection that way." 

Nico's right in saying it may not be safe, but it doesn't mean Keke's heart hurts any less seeing how Nico's eyes keep gravitating back to the phalloplasty example images with clear envy.

✦

Keke keeps pushing for Nico to study languages. Nico's still managing to keep his grades up, high enough up that Keke's found a list of suitable colleges for him, but as Keke explains, when you speak their language, it is far harder for them to twist your words. Nico's never leant to relax, but he has learned to use his words to look like he's relaxed. 

Nico speaks French, Italian, and German perfectly - with his English and Spanish still fluent but more uncomfortable. He knows enough Finnish to piss off or suck up to Keke depending on the time of day (though Keke has made sure Nico knows that is private information not to be shared) and a small amount of both Malay and Portuguese he learned simply due to curiosity and boredom. 

"I'm basically fluent." He whines when Keke gives him yet another exercise to do across his five strongest languages. 

"Well until you're completely comfortable speaking all five, you'll keep studying." Keke replies. "The last thing we need is a media scandal because you said something incorrectly which unravels everything we've worked for." 

"Isn't that overkill?" Nico mutters and Keke flicks him in the ear. 

"It's overkill until you're outed." He replies.

✦

"I want to tell Lewis." Nico says, with a tinge of hopefulness in his tone one night as they're driving back from the track.

"Tell Lewis what?" Keke asks.

"You know," Nico says, shifting. "About me. We'll be splitting up at the end of this season and he did catch me with that hormone blocker one time. He's my friend. I don't think he'd react badly, for sure." Nico sounds like he's trying to convince himself of that fact as he says it. Keke takes a deep breath. He and Sina had had many conversations about this, about what would happen if this conversation came up, but Keke had always assumed he'd have Sina with him when they actually talked about it.

"That decision in regards to Lewis is up to you, my son." Keke says carefully. 

"But?" Nico asks, hearing the hesitation in his father's voice. 

"Lewis...he's still very religious isn't he?" Nico shifts again, facing the road, curing his legs up between the dashboard and his seat. 

"He's less religious than he acts." Nico settles on. That Lewis is still religious sits between his words. 

"It's your decision." Keke reiterates. "You know my thoughts on the matter, but he's your friend. I won't stop you." 

"But you don't support me." 

"I didn't say that. You know how paranoid I am about people knowing. Above all else, I want your health and safety Nico." 

They still in silence for a long time. 

"You think he'd hate me?" 

"I don't think Lewis is able to hate you." Keke says. "But I think he sees the world in a very binary way, and his parents reinforced that understanding. You may break through his ideas or be a victim of them." 

Nico doesn't have to ask which one Keke thinks is more realistically happening. 

✦

Nico graduates from the International School of Monaco basically a year and semester early. They invite Lewis to the celebration dinner in December, Keke paying for his flight remembering Anthony's words. 

Keke keeps expecting Nico to take Lewis to aside or upstairs, but after he leaves, Nico confesses that he didn't tell.

Keke isn't sure why, but he feels disappointed for Nico even though Nico took Keke's advice.

✦

2002

Ten days before the 2002 Formula BMW ADAC starts in April, the FIA and TUE tell the Rosbergs their decision: Nico is allowed to race in all junior categories, but will need to resubmit a claim if/when he wishes to enter Formula One. Nico can only submit said claim if a team has agreed to sign him or make him a junior driver. The attached letter reassures the Rosbergs that the Formula One letter, however, won't take the full year and a half to be processed like their first one did. The conditions are that Nico will have to submit drug tests every other Monday for his entire career within the formula circuit as well as blood tests the first of every month as well, as long as said first isn't during a race weekend. It's extensive, but it was the compromise the board was able to reach. 

"There was a lot of internal debate within the FIA," the letter states, "but ultimately as the results and MBM's partnership has shown, Nico clearly gains no competitive advantages from his doses of testosterone enanthate." 

Keke's not stupid enough to not know what they are implying with that: if Nico had won the 2000 European Championship in Formula A over Lewis, or beaten Lewis in Italian Open Masters the next year, they would have denied his son entry into motor racing. Keke can't throw the letter in the fire like he wishes, but he stores it in the very back of his filing cabinet, in the hopes Nico will never find it. 

Even hidden however, it's a stone that sits heavily in his chest, pressing on his heart and lungs until it feels like he can't breathe.

✦

Nico had been accepted into the Imperial College London to study aerospace engineering late last year. Now, with the FIA and WADA's ruling, they have a decision to make. 

"It would be a safer and more stable career." Sina proposes but seeing the look on your son's face makes her laugh. 

"You've already made up your mind, haven't you?" 

Indeed, Nico had.

✦

"Vivian and I have entered a lavender relationship." Nico declares one morning. Keke and Sina's eyes immediately meet. 

Do you know that what that is? Keke blinks. If he knows anything about Vivian Sibold, it's that she's a raging lesbian which is to say not a woman that could be interested in their son romantically. 

Haven't the slightest, Sina's head tilt responds. 

Nico huffs, biting into a piece of toast with deliberate aggression. "I thought you'd be more pleased about that," he mutters, blowing some hair out of his eyes. Nico's starting wearing his hair long enough that Keke personally thinks it could be a racing hazard. It frames Nico's face well however, accenting his jawline and hiding his ears, which never healed properly from the piercing Nico had gotten when he was twelve. Nico had gone to a barber in Italy and requested a hairstyle that would make his face look more masculine. The longer hair makes Nico look pretty over handsome, but undoubtedly also more masculine through hiding more of the feminine features of his face.

It's confusing, but it works. Keke's just grateful it isn't that ugly buzzcut Nico had given himself age five.

"I'm always pleased with you Nico." Keke says, buttering a piece of toast. "However, I frankly have no idea what that is." Nico blinks. 

"Oh." He says. "Thought it would have come up in your readings or something." For one reason or another, Nico has become aware of the fact their house in Monaco contains more gay books in it than the entirety of Monaco put together that year. When Keke had found Nico taking some of their living room books to his bedroom by the handful, Keke had assumed it was because Nico was curious. 

A day later, when several of their bookshelves had been totally emptied, Keke had realized it was a bigger issue than that. 

"It's obvious!" Nico had complained, when he and Sina'd found where he'd been stacking all their books in his room. "It's like a big glowing sign in the living room: queer people here! Look at all our gay and tranny books! It's basically damning me!"

"People are surprisingly stupid in that regard," Keke had replied. "We've been publicly displaying our books in the living room since you were about seven in both this and the old house." Nico had been so horrified he'd refused to let them take the books back down for weeks.

"Well, what is a lavender relationship?" Sina asks diplomatically. 

"Well, they're a relationship - often marriage though we're obviously not doing that - between a man and a woman, where one or both of the partners are gay. People did it to find the fact they were gay during like the 1950s in America and such." Nico puffs his chest out proudly. "And now Vivian and I are in one." 

Keke takes a second to imagine Vivian Sibold, who has traveled to pride events across Europe wearing a "Dyke and Proud" t-shirt, in a straight relationship. It's an impossible sight.

"And Vivian...wishes to hide the fact she's gay?" Sina asks carefully, clearly on the same wave length as Keke. 

"Oh no, it's not for her, it's for me." A pregnant pause. "I'm not gay." Nico quickly adds. "It's actually to stop people from thinking I am." Nico then goes on to explain how there's been a few boys that have asked Nico if he's gay because he has long hair and therefor a fake relationship is the perfect deterrent. "My hair hides my transgenderism, and my relationship defeats the assumption that come with having long hair," He finishes.

"Isn't longer hair simply fashionable right now?" Keke starts to ask, but Sina kicks him under the table. 

"Besides," Nico adds, bowling over Keke's statement. "What kind of women would want to date a guy like me, you know? I probably won't get a partner until I retire and can get bottom surgery, but never having a girlfriend in Formula One would make it even more suspicious." 

Nico's talking quickly, the deliberately lowered voice that he uses whenever he's lying and trying to sound assertive. 

"That sounds great." Keke says, carefully. There's more here. The playgirl posters. The slur in Nico's pocket. The cricket bat; what had it been when Christina had asked if Nico was gay, swinging for the other team? Keke looks at Sina. She's always better at squeezing answers out of Nico. Thankfully she's on the same page as him. 

"We just want to make sure you know there wouldn't be an issue if you were gay though, right Keke?" Sina presses and Nico blinks, looking between them like a deer in the headlights. 

"I..." 

"Not an issue at all." Keke repeats. There's a long pause. 

"Well that's surprising. Then yeah, I am." Nico says quietly into his toast. Surprising?! The idea that Keke would protest to having a gay son is so infuriating that Keke doesn't hold back, not even acknowledging the information in that that he probably should. 

"Nico Erik Rosberg are you serious." Keke barks. "Have you seen just how many books we have about gay culture?"

"Well, you only read the parts on being trans!" Nico says, bristling back up.

"You think we could read all of these books on queer culture and not be accepting?"

"Well, I don't know! Being gay and trans isn't the same thing!"

"You think we, who love and accept you for being trans, would have then kicked you out over something as insignificant as who you love?" 

Nico's anger then falters. "It's not insignificant..." He says, looking so much like when Keke would scold him when he was a child. Keke sighs. That definitely wasn't the best wording and he has no one but himself to blame for it. He should go back to the beginning.

"You're right, it's not." Keke amends. "But in the grand scheme of my life, who you love is far less important to me than how they treat you. I don't care who you date or marry, only that they treat you with the respect and love you deserve, especially because so many in the world would not love and respect you if they knew." 

"If they knew I was trans." Nico adds, looking down at his plate. Damn. Keke's fucked it up again. 

"Nico, you know I don't say that to hurt you." Keke starts, but Nico shrugs. 

"It's fine." He mutters. "I know why you say it." He then places his utensils carefully on the plate. "I'm done eating. Thanks for breakfast Mama." 

There's footsteps on the stairs then a slammed door. 

"That could have gone far better." Sina sighs. 

"You knew?" Keke asks. 

"Of his fake relationship? No. But that he was gay? Yes." 

"He didn't tell me." Keke says, trying not to be as hurt by it as he is. 

"He was scared." Sina replies. "He knows how worried you are for him already. It wasn't that Nico thinks you wouldn't accept him because you don't love him. He was nervous you'd immediately point out all the danger he puts himself in being a gay man." 

"Well, there is more danger." Keke argues. "Being trans, being gay, they put a target on our child's back, and you know I only ever want him to be safe and healthy. I know he can't change those aspects of himself - I just only want what's best for him and that's for him to be aware."  Sina takes Keke's hand and squeezes it gently. 

"I know you only want the best for him," she says. "but I can imagine sometimes Nico doesn't need reminding that he'll be in danger his entire life. He's probably far more aware of it than even we are." 

Keke isn't overly sure he got Sina's point, but he ends up leaving a small bowl of chocolates by Nico's door as an apology anyway.

✦

Nico has a test with Williams in Circut de Catalunya at seventeen years old as his prize for winning Formula BNW. It's a cold day in December despite the flies dancing in the humidity, as they all roll up to the paddock. Keke heads into the driver's room with Nico, helping him get ready. Just for today, he's allowing Nico to wear his bras - he doesn't want any sort of body discomfort or dysmorphia to interrupt his son's day. 

"Another white racing suit." Nico says, with a nervous laugh as Keke helps him pull it on. He's fidgeting a lot, running fingers through his hair, truly nervous. "I swear, this whole sport wants to out me through a period." Keke looks at him carefully. His cheeks was flushed, high in the cheeks and ears. God, Keke's so proud. 

"Most men don't get periods, but some do." Keke says, buckling the helmet under Nico's chin and gently stroking his shoulder. "It's not a big deal. You're a man regardless." Through the helmet, Nico looks so young, just like the little child that Keke took out in that jeep. His little boy. 

"I'm proud of you." Keke says, trying to push as much sincerity as he could into his words. "I'm so proud of you, my son." Nico blinks violently beneath his helmet, then snaps the visor down. Keke laughs gently, pulling him into a hug. 

"It's okay." Keke says gently. "It's okay." 

Despite the tears Keke knows Nico's crying, he kills it on the track, racking up fast lap after fast lap.

Towards the end, Frank Williams approaches Keke. 

"Chip off the old block, huh?" He says, twinkle in his eye. 

"Absolutely." Keke claims. "He's probably better than me." 

They offer a junior seat that Keke refuses, but Frank was apparently expecting that. "We'll keep in touch." He promises and if there's one thing Keke knows about Frank, it's that Frank keeps his promises.

✦

Nico tries to do a bonfire with all his bras once they get a date confirmed for his surgery - January 10th. It's not a very big bonfire as they just use the fire pit in the backyard, but Nico celebrates like it is one anyways.

"Burn, burn, burn!" Nico practically sings and Keke laughs despite the fact he should probably be discouraging his son's new love of arson. 

✦

2003

In preparation for Nico's keyhole surgery, Keke clears his calendar, including a monthly meetup he always has with Mika. Mika of course knows, due to their shared summers and winters in Ibiza, but it had never occurred to Keke that Nico didn't know. This then lead to a massive fight between them, one of the worst Keke's ever had with another person, when Mika texts Nico good luck on his surgery around a week before he goes under the scrapel.  

"You've been outing me!" Nico had screamed at him. "Outing me whenever the fuck you want apparently! Is it fun for you? Fun to watch people's face distort in surprise?!" 

Sina ends up sending Keke to stay with his parents for the weekend of the surgery, because space will heal it all or so she says. A weekend then becomes several weeks. "The surgery was a success," Sina reports to him over the phone, but he's horrible dysmorphic right now. "Apparently he thought that his chest would just immediately look like a man's with no healing and well, that's just not life." She's worried that having Keke around may make Nico worse, what with Keke being a man and all so Keke mopes around his parents house for a month, depressed out of his mind. In the middle of the night a few days later, he receives a panicked call from Sina to come home now, though when he arrives back, no one will tell him what happened. 

Despite their fight, Nico hugs Keke hard when he shows up from the airport, body shaking against him but with no tears escaping out. He's got a thin sharp slice under his eye and it looks like he's used the entire bandaid stash on his arms and feet. 

All the mirrors in their house are gone. 

✦

For Nico's first season in Formula 3, Keke brings up the issues of flags to him. Nico had been racing under the Finnish flag - in part due to the fact Keke did and well, Keke's a world champion - but as Nico moves up into Formula 1 or even next year to the emerging GP2 as they're calling it, he'll have to turn in his passport for the country whose flag he bears. Nico's Finnish passport never got updated with the correct name and sex. Keke does realistically think he could convince the Finnish government to turn a blind eye, similarly to how he convinced the German government, but it's a risk. If it gets out there, it'll basically destroy Nico's chances to race normally. 

Plus, Keke will admit, with Micheal Schumacher currently wiping the floor with everyone in Formula 1, there's never been a better time to be a German racecar driver. The sponsorships alone (well that and Keke's detestation of the Finnish media) would have pushed Keke's hand to the German flag anyways. 

 He submits the paperwork to get Nico's flag changed to the FIA in January. Unlike with the drug forms, these are sent back with a green stamp of approval within weeks. 

"Congratulations lad, you're now German." Keke says to him in passing, throwing down the papers and ignoring Nico's muffled sounds of confusion. 

Keke was nervous about Nico in Formula 3; Nico's never been good at socialization in the lower series of racing, but apparently he shouldn't have worried. For some reason or another, Nico seems to actually be making friends in the Formula 3 season: Robert Kubica, Christian Klein, Jamie Green, even Andreas Zuber, an Austrian driver Keke had been convinced to add to team Rosberg. Not being backed by a larger team like Prema Powerteam or Mücke Motersport limited Nico's chances, but again that seemed to do good for him. He finished 8th in the standings and 2nd in the rookie cup, only behind Klein, a more than respectable placement.

He also competes in the Master of Formula 3 race. While not a good outing for Nico as his engine basically shat itself before the race started, it also proved itself to be a good race socially as Nico met Nelsinho, the son of Nelson Piquet there. Keke's personally always detested Nelson, but Nico is so happy to have another nepotism driver to whom he can relate to that Keke doesn't say a word. 

✦

"I threw a stone through your bathroom mirror." Nico tells him one night. It's three days before his 18th birthday and they're in Ibiza, attempting to sleep in the sun warmed rooms. Nico's been sticking with Keke more than normal, even slipping into Keke's bed again like he would do as a child. Keke would hold him close, but they both know that would make them overheat, so instead, they're both lying on their backs, watching the ceiling fan slowly die above them. 

"It was late." Nico continues. "I shouldn't have but I was just starring at my chest, you know? And I just had this vision that it would all by perfect and instead...it just looked deformed. I got so scared. I was convinced that the mirror was lying to me - it was a long surgery, for sure. I thought they should have done more. And so I ran from mirror to mirror and the final one was the one in your bathroom. And I just..." Nico trails off and Keke reminds himself to stay on his back. This is one of the most vulnerable his son has been with him. He doesn't want to ruin it. 

"It was one of Mom's decorative stones, you know the quartz ones she has in the bathroom? And I don't know, I just...needed the image gone so I threw it and..." Nico laughs. It's a sad hollow thing that instinctively compels Keke to reach for Nico's hand. Nico flinches, then holds it. 

"I was standing too close." Nico continues. "I was, I don't know, maybe a little over half a meter away, and so it cut me everywhere. It's funny - I had thought about punching it but then I knew it'd hurt but I think throwing the stone hurt me more. Mom of course woke up - the sound was deafening and it was in your bathroom. I didn't expect it to be so loud. She then saw me there, covered in glass, broken mirror, just crying. I didn't even know I was crying because it wasn't like sobbing. Just water from my eyes." Nico sighs and shifts. 

"She took me to the ER because she was worried some of the glass may have irritated my scars. They didn't, I was just a bit cut up." There's a pause. 

"Well, at least you weren't seriously hurt." Keke says, when the pause extends long enough to signal to Keke that Nico is done with his confession. "Mirrors are replaceable; you are not." Nico curls further away from him.

"You're, you're not mad?' Nico asks quietly. 

"Why would I be?" Keke says. "I'm just glad you're alright. So is your mother." Nico scoffs. 

She's furious at me." 

"She's scared." Keke counters, though Nico isn't entirely wrong. When Sina gets very scared, she projects a facade of anger to protect herself. Keke knows this, one of the perks of over twenty years of marriage, but this is probably the first time Nico had encountered it face to face. 

"Yeah, scared of me." Nico refutes. "She hates me, I see it." 

"No, she's scared for you." Keke corrects, abandoning decorum and shifting fully on his side. "Nico, kultaseni, look at me." Keke isn't sure Nico was going to but he surprisingly does, twisting slowly. Under this light, Nico's blonde hair seems to almost glow with the sheen of sweat that's settled on it. For a second, it is just them and the tickets. 

"Your mother and I could never hate you." Keke says again. "Nothing short of you becoming a mass murderer would make me hate you."

"So there's a chance." Nico says, a pitiful attempt of a joke that dies with him. His tone wavers in the air, desperately searching for some sort of solace. 

"There is no logical chance." Keke says. "You think your mother and I did not know this would be hard for you? We're prepared for all the difficulty of these teenage years and onward. Did you know I got a therapist specially to talk about this?" Nico giggles despite himself. 

"That's so lame Papa."

"Perhaps." Keke agrees. The first few sessions had been very uncomfortable. "Your mother and I have already decided what you'll do to repay it though: when you get your first proper racing job, one that pays, your first paycheck will go towards repaying us for the mirror." Nico sniffs. 

"How does that sound?" Keke asks and Nico nods into his chest. 

"Good." He doesn't elaborate, and Keke doesn't push

The next morning, however Keke pulls Nico in front of the mirror, both of them shirtless. Nico stares unabashedly. 

"It...looks better than before." Nico admits, twisting from side to side to see all angles. "Less puffy now. It helps seeing it next to yours." 

"And the puffiness will continue to go down over time." Keke says. "That's how surgeries work. But look already." He reaches out and gently traces Nico's muscles - "these here look just like mine." 

They're not perfect copies but they're close enough to make Nico laugh. 

"Mine looks better." Nico says, faux haughtiness in his tone. 

"I'd hope so, you're an athlete on a strict workout routine. Unless you've been ignoring the exercises?" 

"Never Papa." Nico says far too seriously. He's lying, but there are worse things to lie about.

He is happy. 

That's what Keke cares about for now.

✦

"I wish you'd been there." Nico confesses, drunk out of his mind a week later, the night of his 18th birthday party. "After it all. You help." 

"You mother and I made the wrong decision there." Keke says, rubbing his son's back as Nico's bent over the toilet. Nico hasn't thrown up yet, but Keke was counting his drinks. He will. Keke doesn't need to ask what time Nico meant. "You won't have to worry about that again though. I'll be there." 

Nico relaxes into his hold. 

"I'll always be here." Keke repeats and even Nico throwing up doesn't ruin the tenderness of the moment. 

✦

"You need to call your engineers between the races." Keke says. "Learn their names, their families, everything. That's what going to get a racer like you far in this world. And you need to study the corners on that track more - you were braking far too early."

"Yeah, yeah." Nico says, clearly not processing the valuable information his world champion father is giving him. Little shit. "What do you mean, racer like me?" 

"The ones that have to rely more on the data then their skill-" Keke starts, about to then explain how studying other drivers makes everyone better. Before he can finish his sentence however, Nico pounces.

"-Oh what, are you saying I'm untalented?" 

"If I meant that, I would have said that." Keke responds. "What I said is you are better at being a calculated driver, a Prost instead of a Senna."

"No one likes Prost more than Senna!" Nico exclaims. "List me one person who likes Prost more than Senna!"

"I do." Keke says, turn purposefully mild. 

"You don't count!" Nico lashes back before storming off again. He's been spending upwards of twenty hours in his room - apparently because seeing his loving Isa and Mama was too hard for the teenager. 

Keke can't wait until Nico's twenty. 

✦

Nico tells Lewis about his transsexualism after the Macau Grand Prix. It's the first time he's had since they've stopped being teammates and potentially the only time he has before they enter Formula 1 with the rate they're both climbing through the ranks. 

Keke wants to pretend that he's not sure how the conversation went, but Nico has red-rimmed eyes and a sad smile when he returns.  

"It went well." Nico tells him and Keke wishes his son's emotions weren't so transparent to him. 

✦

2004

Nico's obsessed with internet forums, to a clearly unhealthy degree. The family had bought a household computer for Christmas and without fail, Nico is on it every day: updating his website, checking out the few other racers who have websites and more than anything, scrolling around on racing forums looking for mentions of himself. 

"Are they saying nice things?" Sina asks one lunch and Nico shrugs. 

"They're talking about me, Nico me, so that's all that matters." 

Keke is beyond confused but as long as it isn't weighing on Nico's mind and impacting his racing, that's all Keke's worried about.

✦

Keke watches a film with his queer support group in May. It apparently came out in 1999, but it has been almost impossible to get a copy of it in France up until that point due to a explicit sex scene in it, which Keke then finds out is a rape scene. It's about a trans man which makes Keke feel a little excited (just as in printed media, trans men appear far less than women), but as the movie goes on, Keke finds himself more and more disturbed by the hate and dead naming and violence until he eventually calls it quits. 

He's outside, lighting a cigarette and trying to breathe when Michał joins him. 

"Not a fan either?" Michał says simply and Keke nods. 

"It's exploitative," Keke says. "Bet they never asked the family's permission." 

"You're very negative." Michał notes, like he hasn't known Keke for years and doesn't know this about him. "You always assume the worst in people, you know, especially when it comes to issues like this." 

"You can't say the world isn't out to get you." Keke replies. "It is, all I see are-"

"All you see is the news." Michał interrupts. "You never see any part of the community Keke." Michał blows out smoke and it wraps around them like a shawl. 

"You are accepting and that is good. That is more than most - but I don't think you're as accepting as you think you are." 

"In what way?" Keke asks, battling down the part of him that wants to immediately argue the claim. The most challenging part of being in this support group is making himself realize that he's the opposite of an expert here. 

"Well, you. have accepted your son is your son, but then all you do is remind him how scary and bad it is to be a man." Michał explains. "It is from a place of love, of course, but it is still very scary I can imagine - fear and disapproval are twins that people often confuse or assume are one person. Consider...being proud of your son. Reminding him it is good that he knows himself, that he loves him. The life of a trans person should not be always living in fear from an enemy you don't know." 

"And how would you recommend I do that?" Keke says and Michał shrugs, exhaling more smoke. 

"If I knew, I'd be doing it myself." He admits. "I'd say take him to a pride parade or something but he's too much of a little celebrity isn't he?"

"He's getting famous." Keke says, thinking back to the website and internet forums. "Not truly famous, but he's on his way to becoming famous like me."

"Well then..." Michał says. "Look for stories of happy trans people. Or something like that. Something that isn't slurs and hate crimes may be helpful." 

"Not this movie." Keke agrees, exhaling at the wrong time as the wind picks up his smoke and throws it back in their faces. Michał laughs. 

"Despite that damn movie being about a trans man, it's not actually about us." He argues. "It's for straight people." 

"Well I didn't like it." Keke says. Michał rolls his eyes.

"Not your kind of straight person - it's for people who don't understand us trans man and those who don't see us as human. To your paranoia's point, the world will never be kind, but movies like that will make it kinder." Michał takes a cigarette from Keke's pack. "If the world sees we are human, they will treat us more like humans and not freaks. And that will make it all better." His tone is impervious, strong yet wavering at the end. Keke isn't sure he believes him, just as he knows Michał isn't sure if he believes himself. 

✦

"Nico wants you to stop babying him in racing." Sina tells Keke with absolutely no warning. "He says you're being far too involved."  

Keke then didn't understand how his teachings are then babying Nico - looking back at it through, it came at the right time. Keke didn't back off then, but the thought had lodged itself firmly in his brain and made it easier to back off later on.

✦

At the end of the Formula 3 season,  Jamie Greene (the first place winner and one of Nico's actual friends) holds a party to celebrate his victory and accession into DTM. It's a smaller party, clearly designed for some networking for Jamie, and Nico is among the seventeen racers invited, and one of the only racers in as low of a category as Formula 3. Keke had been wary to let Nico go: said party was only around two weeks after Nico's jawline surgery, but Nico had begged so much, Keke had let him go. 

He told Nico to tell people he'd been in a boating accident though, to explain the swelling and Nico had reluctantly agreed.

"They complimented my bone structure, Papa." Nico tells him proudly and very not soberly. "No one asked, they only said I looked good." 

Keke highly doubts that, especially after Nelson Piquet himself asks Keke if his son's face was healed properly at the Masters of Formula 3 race.

✦

Lewis hadn't told them he'd be at the Bahrain Superprix in December and according to the lad, he hadn't known he would be either. 

"They invited five non-Formula Three drivers," Lewis says with a shy grin, scratching the back of his neck. Upon seeing Lewis standing alone on the track, Keke'd invited Lewis into their motor house. Nico isn't there - out with Nelsinho or whoever - and Keke knows he and Lewis haven't really talked since Nico told him about his transsexualism last year, but that's not Keke's concern. Anthony had asked him to care for his son, so Keke will do that, regardless of Nico's opinion of the boy. 

"And you're one of the lucky ones, I'm guessing." Keke laughs. "Of course you are, we've seen your skills." Lewis beams. "How's Manor treating you?" 

Lewis starts talking again, ranting about his teammate Charles (apparently another nepotism driver but nowhere near as good as Nico, which Lewis found disappointing) and the manor outfits (very ugly and scratchy). They're in a lovely conversation when the door opens and Nico walks in.  

There's a pause when Nico and Lewis just look at each other. Keke spots Nico actively stand straighter, practically puff his chest out. He isn't wearing a shirt, like 90% of the boys out here. Keke had convinced him that 1) the scars were not that visible (they weren't), 2) that it would like weird if he alone was wearing a shirt and 3) that the heat making him pass out would out him as trans far quicker than a double-look.

Keke sees Lewis look Nico up and down. Keke knows what he'll see: a 5'10 (thank God for Sina's genes, Nico's taller than him!) boy, with scars so small Lewis probably can't see him. His face and jawline surgery already healed beautifully, and with the exercise regime Keke's had Nico on since he was twelve, his chest looks sculpted. 

He looks every bit the biological man Lewis knows he's not. 

"You cut your hair." Nico says, breaking the silence. Lewis jumps slightly, clearly too lost in his thoughts. 

"I, yeah. McLaren obligations." Lewis stumbles out. "Ron Dennis makes all his drivers have short hair." He then rubs his head, clearly self-conscious. 

There's a longer pause, in which Keke can see Lewis' eyebrows knit together. 

"I thought you said you were trans, man." Lewis eventually blurts out. Nico raises an eyebrow. 

"I am." 

"Really?" Lewis says again, now obviously staring at Nico's chest. "You don't, I mean, your chest, I, your face man--"

"-You checking me out Lewis?" Nico says, relaxing into his stance. Lewis turns bright red. 

"No! I just, I was confused, I..."

"The miracle of surgeons and hormones." Keke cuts in before Lewis can humiliate himself more. "Besides, Nico has always been a man so it wasn't hard to make the physical match the inside." Lewis nods, continuing to stare blatantly. 

"Do you have an Adam's apple?" Lewis asks incredulously. Nico rolls his shoulders. 

"As real as yours." Nico confirms, which in an absolute lie: he hasn't gotten that surgery yet. Nico's just gotten very good at makeup, particularly makeup for his neck. 

There's another long pause. 

"I'm good at unicycling now." Nico splurts out. "I have two, if you want to be beaten at it." Keke sees Lewis's eyes sharpen in instant competitive glee. 

"You're on man, I'm the best on bikes, this can't be too difficult." 

The pair race out of the motorhome like it was nothing, like they hadn't just not spoken for a year after Nico was very vulnerable with him. Keke's happy of course, but almost a little put-out over how quickly Lewis got over his...dislike? distrust? that came with learning Nico's trans. Keke knows it's proof people won't judge his son as quickly as Keke assumes he would, but over ten years of fear is unmoving in his heart. They've dug in, and grown inside, where even Keke's love for his son in the most innocent moments of boys playing together is laced with fear and worry. 

You must celebrate the good, Keke can hear Michał says admonishingly in the back of his head. If Nico is happy, what else is there? His identity is not yours to control, nor are his life choices something you can micromanage. 

Keke knows this, but it is hard to see his son without worry. 

✦

2005

The Rosbergs spend legitimately the entire winter at Williams, where Nico battles the dreary, cold sheets of rain in the 2004 car. It's more testing, though for what the engineers refuse to say, so Keke cuts his looses and stays bundled inside where it's warm, watching the blue and white flash cut through the gray background. Without saying it aloud as not to jinx it, Keke knows these are tests for a seat, especially because the other person there is Nelsinho, the only other junior driver associated with Williams without a seat or clear path up into Formula 1.

Nelsinho's far better in the rain than Nico, but Nico's careful patient driving style as well as his understanding of the car makes him faster overall so Keke's not worried. He's especially not worried after he watches Piquet shunt it, ending the lives and hopes of the FW26 forever more. They have the two drivers do a few more tests in the old FW25, where Nico truly signs, able to coax fast lap after fast lap from the beast while Nelsinho, confidence shaken, remains easily seconds slower. 

Perhaps it is bad to hope on the failure of young men, Keke thinks watching as Nelsinho leaves with his head tilted to the ceiling as to stop the tears from falling. But this isn't karting anymore. There's no room for two here. 

Frank also gives the boys a written test, apparently a mini version of the aero and technical test Williams gives all their drivers. Keke remembers that test; he'd bombed it so bad, the team had almost refused to sign him. Piquet has the same thoughts about it as a younger Keke had. 

"It's bullshit." Piquet mutters, watching their sons through the glass. "He is a driver, all he needs to do is drive, not build the stupid car." A younger less experience Keke, who drove with a passive suicidality, would have agreed. Keke in 2005, having coached Nico, now knows better. Talent can only get you so far if you don't understand how it is that you succeed: what braking angle is just right, what degree of oversteer you know. Keke also knows better than to criticize the mindset of a three-time world champion, even if Piquet is completely wrong, so Keke lets him bitch and hopefully piss off the engineers.

They leave Brackley with their heads held high and Nico in good spirits.

"Did you get names and numbers?" Keke reminds Nico. 

"Yes." Nico mutters. They'd gotten him a mobile phone for Christmas and Nico has refused to put it down since. In proof, he shows the numbers on the tiny screen to Keke. Well, that's what Keke assumes they are - he can't see something that small without his readers but he's not admitting that to Nico. "See? I put their birthday in the contact name." 

"Very nice." Keke agrees. "Make sure to call them on their birthdays then." 

"I will Papa." 

They find out what the testing was for a few weeks later, when they fly back out to Brackley. Nico refuses to let Keke even enter the building as he wants to prove 'he's independent.' Watching Nico walk quickly away from the car, all Keke can think is that he really does let that boy get away with too much. 

Around forty-five minutes later, Nico basically skips back to the car, a few papers (clearly already crumpled! Nico!) clasped in his grip. Keke's heart starts swelling upon seeing the smile on Nico's face, so large and unabashed. 

"I"m in a seat!" Nico cheer, almost vibrating with excitement as he gets back in the car. He's got tears budding in the corners of his eyes.

"Congratulations!" Keke cheers in response, pulling Nico into a hug which he thankfully accepts. "Which kind of seat?" 

"They're not sure!" Nico says, smile not at all dimming. The situation is explained in the car ride back: Williams currently has two drivers as well as one reserve driver. In a normal world, Nico would just replace one of those two; however, a different driver - one Jenson Button - had signed to driver for Williams in 2006 as well, leaving Williams with three 'confirmed' drivers and two seats. 

"So for now I'm a test driver and I'll stay as a test and reserve driver if Button returns. If he doesn't then, there's a high chance I may get an actual seat in Formula 1! An actual seat Isä! Can you believe it?" Nico laughs incredulously. "Apparently they think I'm better than Nelsinho - just based of the tests!" 

Keke of course can see that, but for now he just holds his son tight. Before his talk with Michał, he would have demanded Nico walk back in and tell them about his transsexualism. With some reflection however, he's realized that should wait. 

Nico's a test driver. They'll find out soon enough when all of Nico's medical files get sent over.

✦

"Would you prefer the term transsexual or transgender?" Keke asks one evening and Nico looks at him like he's grown two heads.

"What?" Keke asks, a little ruffled by the look of pure disgust on Nico's face. "Michał said transgender was the new, hip, cool thing to say."

"You," Nico replies. "are not cool nor hip nor new to the world. Please never call me transgender again. It's weird when you say it."

Transsexual it is then. Who is Keke to question Nico in regards to this?

✦

In one of the last days of March, they receive the most crucial document they ever could: the TUE document approving Nico's use of testosterone for Formula 1 and GP2 as long as he is willing to continue his regiment of submitting drug tests on the Monday of every other week, and resubmitting his claim every three years. 

Nico, who had already been ecstatic over getting the Williams seat (whichever one it is) in the first place next year, bursts into tears over the letter. 

There's truly now nothing standing in the way of Keke's son's path to Formula 1 except Nico's own talent.

Keke can already taste the steel and brass of Nico's trophies in his teeth.

✦

Nico will be driving in a new series: GP2. It's the successor of Formula 3000, but made more equal, according the media around it, because everyone has to use the same engine and chassis. It's full of racers Nico has battled before: Nelsinho, Heikki Kovalainen, Scott Speed, Alexandre Prémat, Mathias Lauda, Nicolas Lapierre. Even Keke's eyebrows rise when Nico shows him the line-up. 

"They're fucking good!" Nico whispers to him. "Why did I bother signing to ART if this is my competition, I'm screwed!" They had paid a lot to the ART to be fair - over 80,000 pounds, but Keke had done it for a reason. Nicolas Todt (alongside Fred Vassar) was the owner of ART and Jean Todt had vouched for Nico to be able to enter Formula 1. Like father, perhaps like son - or at least, Keke had hopes there would be a much higher chance they wouldn't kick up a fuss about Nico's medication. 

Thankfully, he was right. 

"ART is a good team." Keke says instead, dragging Nico over to the team. "And it's a white race suit - that seems to be a sign you'll succeed." It's strange but true: MBM in karting, Formula BMW, the Williams test, now ART. All of the teams Nico has been the best at have been the teams where he's been wearing white. It's not the same issue it was when Nico was twelve, as Nico's been on testosterone long enough where his period has stopped (or so Keke thinks, Nico would never tell him), but it's still something that makes Nico nervous. 

"ART was terrible in Formula 300!" Nico complains, voice fading as they get closer and closer. "The only team that ever won anything were the British teams." 

"Chin up, I don't care." Keke says. "A team is a team isn't it? Be grateful - Lewis didn't get a seat at all." Despite Anthony and even Keke's best efforts, Lewis wasn't able to find a seat in GP2, in part because his Manor Motorsport wasn't invited up into the season. Keke was able to help the duo get a seat at ASM, something that would feed into an ART seat in the next year, but either way, Lewis is still stuck in Formula 3 again. 

"He's going to win everything down there." Nico sniffs, the same response he'd had when Keke had broken the news. "He's going to win every single thing." 

"Do you want to win everything in a lower series or compete for a Formula 1 seat?" Keke had replied then and repeats now. It brings the same angry flush to Nico's cheeks. 

"Well, I want to win everything here, but there's no way that's possible!" 

"Then aim for podiums." Keke says, always his advice. "You'll be surprised how quickly wins come when you aim for consistent podiums." 

✦

While ART starts out slow, they slowly but surely end up dominating in GP2, and Nico ends up dominating his teammate. He's the first winner of the series and Keke, God, he couldn't be prouder. 

Nico ends up calling him out on it. 

"You're so inflated with pride, I'm surprised you can fit through the door." Nico comments with a laugh.

✦

GP2 ends on September 30th and Nico gets his hips masculinization surgery on October 3rd. It's the most painful process he had gotten yet, staying at the hospital for a week and then having to use a walker until the end of December. Williams, however, were delighted as only a week later, when Nico was still using a walker, they request them back in England. 

"We've decided to offer your son a seat, with a few caveats." Frank tells Keke privately over the phone. "No more surgeries and constant checks with our physicians over his...condition." Williams as a whole had been fairly understanding of Nico's condition. The fact that Keke had already done much of the hard lifting - with the TUE forms, surgeries, and so on - definitely helped.

"I can tell you he'd agree to those caveats." Keke says, trying to hide the glee in his voice, trying to sound serious. His son, his baby, his angel in a Williams! Nico, in a Formula 1 car! "But make sure you tell him of course. He does not like me meddling in his affairs." 

"This conversation doesn't exist." Frank reassured him, twinkle in his eye tangible in his tone. 

They take Nico back up to Brackley for the conversation and then throw him a small party in the evening in celebration. 

"I'm so so proud of you." Keke says, hugging Nico carefully to not cause too much pain on his hips. "You deserve this, all of this." Nico doesn't reply, just hugs him tighter. 

✦

In November, when Nico's walking with crutches as opposed to a walker, Nico gets his seat fitting. 

"You've lost significant width in your hips." One of the engineers says as Nico lowers himself in carefully. "Thank you for telling us to wait on your seat fitting, this is far easier. We would have had to do a bunch of complicated things with the shape of your hips beforehand probably." 

Nico and Keke exchange a smile. Williams has been fairly accepting all things considered and by that, Keke means they don't ask questions. All they'd been told was that Nico has weird hips and he's getting surgery - the fact the hips were weird because they're feminine was left out. As it should be. 

✦

Four months before Nico enters Formula One, Keke does something he never wanted to do and writes a letter to the Gleitsmann-Dengels. It's a short letter, just letting them know that their grandchild is about to make his Formula One debut and will therefor become a minor celebrity.

He writes that being revealed as trans could ruin Nico's life and that Keke would be happy to pay any amount of money they would like in order to keep his family happy and safe. Keke encloses a blank check, just to show how serious he is.

He gets a check back three weeks later for basically his entire retirement fund. It's an amount no regular person should be able to pa; they probably hoped he couldn't. They forgot - or perhaps had never bothered knowing - that Keke came from wealth and climbed the ladder higher than anyone could have expected not through his racing, but through his management deals since Nico's birth.

Keke signs it (with Sina's permission) without even blinking and despite the amount of money he just lost, sleeps better than he has in years.