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The most common definition for beauty is “a combination of qualities, such as shape, colour, or form, that pleases the aesthetic senses, especially sight.” Though this is true, it isn’t the full truth. It is easier to relate this definition to an object or landscape but when relating it to a human being, it simply does not encompass the entirety of the person.
A person’s beauty simply doesn’t stop at the surface. Someone may look as if they were carved by the angels themselves specifically to cause others to take a second glance and stare with bulged eyes and dropped jaws but beauty isn’t skin deep.
The world is full of pretty things and to Phil, the prettiest thing in this world was Dan. Dan was the definition of beauty in Phil’s personal dictionary and nothing could ever come close to comparing to him. He was beautiful in every sense of the word, inside and out.
Phil and the world had different views on Dan’s beauty. The world seemed to view him as an object rather than a human for the majority of the time. Since he was a male model, he was viewed as a physical being. Phil knew Dan more than anyone else and knew the darkest sides of him and loved him nonetheless. He was in love with his personality, his habits, his quirks, his values, and the endless amount of characteristics that were hidden under the skin.
They had met at a mutual friend’s party. Phil was regretting his decision to agreeing in going since he had work in the morning but he agreed to make his friend happy. He remained on the outskirts of the party silently sipping on his drink and observing the crowd of drunken people dancing and yelling at their friends over the deafening music. Phil wasn’t against parties, he often enjoyed going out with friends but tonight was one of those nights where he’d much rather be at home in his pyjamas having a Buffy marathon.
As Phil was debating whether the cheap alcohol was worth losing his hearing over, he spots him. An actual adonis wearing a tight black collared shirt and equally tight black skinny jeans that show off his toned figure perfectly. The stranger towers over everyone at the party making him stand out. Phil finds himself speechless at the beauty of this tall, beautiful stranger and finds himself unable to take his eyes off of him.
The stranger walks through the crowd stopping occasionally to talk to friends and smiling at other people in the crowd. His smile was radiant and Phil could feel his heart beginning to pick up speed. He quickly looks down at the carpet and takes a deep breath. He didn’t even know the man and yet he was becoming flustered just by looking at him from afar.
When Phil looks back up to the crowd he notices the stranger had disappeared. Despite feeling disappointed, he lets out a sigh of relief. He couldn’t start developing a form of crush on someone who was entirely out of his league. The stranger wouldn’t even take a second glance at him anyway. Phil was too lanky and awkwardly tall compared to the beautiful stranger.
He remains leaning on the wall for what he assumes as another hour and contemplates leaving once again. Before he can make his final decision he’s interrupted by none other than the beautiful stranger himself.
“Nice party, huh?” the stranger speaks with an aura of confidence that Phil wished he had.
“Uh, yeah, it’s okay I guess.” Phil replies while glancing up quickly before looking away again.
“You know you’d probably have more fun if you actually socialized instead of leaning against the wall away from everyone.”
“I guess I’m not in the partying mood.”
“Then why are you here?”
Phil’s eyebrows furrow in confusion as he looks up at the stranger once again, “Why do you care?”
He immediately regrets his choice of words when he sees a flash of hurt in the strangers beautiful brown eyes before he snaps back, “Just trying to strike up a conversation, sorry for trying.”
Phil sighs, “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have snapped at you. I guess I’m here to make a friend happy.”
“Don’t apologize, I come off as too forward to a lot of people. I’m Dan by the way.” Phil smiles at this, glad he no longer has to refer to Dan as the “beautiful stranger”.
“Phil.”
Dan smiles warmly, “It’s nice to meet you Phil.”
Dan and Phil spent the entirety of the party leaning against the wall and telling the other about themselves. This was where Phil learned about Dan being a model. It didn’t surprise him in the slightest, he was the definition of male model material. Dan was currently working smaller gigs for magazines and a small fashion show once in a while and was waiting for his big break. Phil knew that Dan would make it, and he did.
A few months later, Dan received a call from a considerably large modelling agency who was interested in hiring him for a series of billboard advertisements that would be placed in various locations around the city and possibly the country if the ad campaign took off. Phil was the first to learn of this considering they had kept in touch and had been getting closer with every passing day.
Phil was extremely proud of Dan and knew that he had been working hard to get this break. This gig could open hundreds of doors for Dan and make him highly recommended with high fashion personalities. But, Phil also knew how cutthroat the fashion industry was and hoped and prayed that Dan wouldn’t get swallowed in the limelight and changed like so many others. Phil wanted Dan to remain himself and not be forced to conform to the beliefs and preferences of others that only cared about money rather than someone’s wellbeing.
Dan invited Phil to one of his fashion shows that night as well as the after party to celebrate the good news. Phil had no interest in the world of fashion but he agreed simply to support his friend and spend time with him afterwards. He had developed a crush on the pretty boy but tried his best to hide any feelings beyond friendship considering Dan was a model and Phil was Phil.
What Phil didn't know was that Dan had also developed a crush on him as well. Phil was one of the first people who appreciated Dan for who he was instead of just tagging along for the perks of having a model friend. Of course Dan didn’t have many perks just yet considering he wasn’t exactly known but, after this billboard gig, things were going to change. He only hoped that Phil wouldn’t be scared away by everything modelling could throw into a person’s life.
The fashion show itself was boring to Phil. He didn’t have any interest in watching a bunch of humans walk down a catwalk and be blinded by camera flashing. Phil was surrounded by people who whispered comments about how each outfit looked and he was beyond tempted to pull out his phone. That is until Dan walked out.
Phil had thought he was radiant at the party but he was faded in comparison to how radiant he was now. It wasn’t even what he was wearing, it was his entire persona. He looked straight ahead and strutted down the catwalk without fault. Phil’s eyes never left him and it took him a while to realize his mouth was open.
The lights shone down on Dan like heaven’s light shines down on angels. Phil knew Dan was born to do this and deserved it more than the other models who also walked tonight. The others seemed like amateurs compared to Dan and anyone who didn’t see that was out of their damn mind.
Everything dimmed the moment Dan stepped off the catwalk and Phil returned to his feeling of boredom, only this time he at least had the image of Dan in his mind. He was grateful he agreed to come to the fashion show but another part of him wished he hadn’t simply because he was falling even faster for Dan now. Phil didn’t want to have a crush with someone so unattainable, plus he didn’t even know if Dan was gay. The whole concept of them becoming something more than friends seemed entirely improbable. Much to Phil’s surprise, many improbable things became probable when he was with Dan.
Phil had a fear that the after party would be filled to the brim with snobby higher class people sipping champagne discussing the latest trends and gossip in the fashion world. Luckily for him, it was the opposite. The party was, of course, filled with fancy designers but being in a club, many were dancing and increasing the inevitable regret of a killer hangover in the morning. Dan was one of those people. Phil had lost track of the amount of shots he had taken and was closely following him around to make sure he didn’t do anything stupid, which was proving to be a harder task than he had expected.
“Dan, you need to stop wandering off. You’re too drunk and you’re going to end up getting lost.”
“I won’t get lost! I have you to look after me!”
Phil’s heart swells at the drunken comment and is grateful that the dark atmosphere hides the blush creeping onto his cheeks. He knew that Dan was drunk and had no clue what he was saying but, he liked to believe that there was some truth in it. After all, he was there to look after him.
“Phiiiiiiiilllll.” Dan whines as he pokes Phil relentlessly on the cheek.
“Yeeeeesss?”
“I wanna dance.”
Phil smirks, “Then go dance.”
“I don’t wanna dance alone, I wanna dance with you silly.”
Phil’s eyes widen, “With me? I can’t dance.”
“That’s okay, I can’t either!” Dan grabs at Phil’s hand and begins to tug him over to the dancing crowd.
The two boys maneuver to an empty section within the crowd. Dan begins to sway from side to side with his eyes closed as Phil simply stands still watching the drunk, pretty boy. A small smile forms on his face as Dan moves his arms around, completely lost in the music and his drunken state.
He opens one eye to look at Phil and pouts, “You’re not dancing.”
“Yes, I am. It’s the not moving dance. It’s going to be a trend soon.”
“Ohhhh okay! I’ll do that dance move too then.” Dan stops moving and stares at Phil before he frowns, “I don’t like this dance.”
Phil giggles, “Okay, what kind of dance do you want to do then?”
“I wanna slow dance!”
“Slow dance? Isn’t this song a tad fast for slow dancing?”
“No, it’ll be fun.” Dan moves in towards Phil and wraps his arms around the back of his neck. Phil sucks in a breath and the sudden close proximity to Dan. He tentatively wraps his arms around Dan’s waist and attempts to control his breathing before looking up at the pretty boy.
Dan is barely visible due to the darkness of the club other than the flashes of the strobe lights that illuminate his face. Phil was grateful for that because he loved the look of content that was on his face. Dan moved in closer so he was able to rest his head on Phil’s shoulder. Phil knew he could get used to this but at the same time he knew that Dan was drunk and probably wouldn’t remember any of this in the morning. Despite that knowledge, he enjoyed the moment and tightened his hold around Dan’s waist.
The scent of Dan’s cologne and the alcohol he had consumed was all Phil could smell. The feeling of being in Dan’s arms was all he could feel. Dan was all that mattered to Phil in that moment and Dan was all that was going to matter to Phil for the rest of his life.
Soon, it was the early hours of the morning and Phil was trying to help Dan walk without falling flat on his face. Luckily, the club was only a few blocks away from Dan’s apartment so they wouldn’t have to flag down a taxi. Phil didn’t have enough money for that anyway, and Dan had probably used whatever cash he had on the alcohol.
They had successfully made it into the apartment with no casualties, though Phil was almost certain they nearly fell to their deaths when Dan insisted they use the stairs. He takes the apartment key from Dan, unlocks the door, and leads him into the flat. Dan lets go of Phil and begins to stumble towards the couch where he plops down and sighs.
“Alright, you’re home safe. I’m going to be head home now.”
Dan whips his head around to face Phil, “What? Nooooooo!”
“What do you mean no?”
“Stay for a while longer!”
Phil wanted to sleep in all honesty but, he wasn’t about to miss out on an opportunity to spend more time with Dan. He walks over to the couch and sits beside him. “You’re too far away.” Dan whines as he scoots over to the point where he’s basically sitting on top of Phil. “I wanna cuddle.”
Phil’s heart basically stops when Dan’s arms wrap around his waist awkwardly and his legs drape over his own. He sits completely still and in shock for what feels like an eternity. He tries to ignore the disappointment when he once again remembers Dan was only doing what he was doing because he was drunk. The entire evening after Dan took his first drink would be a blurry memory or nothing at all. Phil would simply enjoy it while it lasted and pretend it never happened in the morning to save them both from the embarrassment.
“You’re really pretty, Phil.” Dan says softly as he gazes at the pale boy.
“I’m really not, not compared to you at least.”
“Y-you think I’m pretty?”
“Of course I do.”
“I don’t think I am. People tell me I am but I think they just say it because I model. They don’t mean it though, they only care about what I physically look like. I don’t believe them. I’m not pretty at all.”
It was in that moment where Phil discovered the side of Dan that was hidden under all the confidence. That confidence was a mask to how he truly felt about himself. Despite being told how handsome he was on a daily basis by a flurry of various people, he still didn’t believe it. The radiant boy had a plethora of insecurities that probably ran deeper than Phil could even imagine.
“I think you’re the prettiest person I have ever met, inside and out. Everything about you is perfect in every way, even the imperfections you see in yourself. You’re goddamn beautiful, Dan, and I wish I could form the right combination of words to make you believe that.”
Phil’s confession fell on deaf ears, however, for Dan had fallen asleep. His light snores filled the silence of the room and made Phil smile, even his snores were beautiful. He closes his eyes and wraps his arms around Dan’s sleeping figure as he allows the snores to lull him into a dreamless sleep.
He woke up to notice Dan grasping tightly to his waist with his head resting on Phil’s stomach. Phil smiles softly at the boy and lightly brushes his fringe out of his face and begins to trace patterns on his arm. Phil’s mind falls into his daydream state where he imagines waking up like this every morning. Spending countless hours lazing around until the afternoon sun blazes through the window.
Phil’s daydream is cut short when Dan begins to stir and groan, “Next time I go to drink, hit me upside the head.”
“How much regret do you have right now?”
“So much regret, soooo much. You make a comfy pillow though.”
“You’re welcome. Are you hungry?”
Dan’s head shoots up, “YES! Oh wow I shouldn’t have yelled, I just gave myself more of a headache, why am I like this?”
Phil giggles, “You’re a mess. I’ll make you some food but you have to let go of my waist and let me get up off the couch.”
“Fiiiiiine.”
Dan reluctantly lets go and allows Phil to get up. As much as Phil wanted to cuddle with Dan for the rest of the day, he knew that Dan remembered nothing from last night. He couldn’t allow himself to overthink the entire evening considering it was all a blank space in Dan’s memory.
He makes his way over to the kitchen and investigates the fridge and cupboards to see what his options for breakfast were. His eyes light up when he sees a box of pancake mix. It wouldn’t be as tasty as a recipe from scratch but it would have to do.
“Do you want something comfier to change into? It must have been uncomfortable sleeping in jeans.” Dan asks as he peeks his head around the doorframe.
“Actually, that would be lovely. Thank you.”
Dan smiles before disappearing to what Phil assumes as his bedroom. He tried to ignore the thoughts creeping into his mind on why Dan offered him clothes. Sure it would be comfier but, they’d be eating breakfast and then parting ways. It would almost be pointless to just change for an hour. He wouldn’t mind staying over all day but, he didn’t want to overstay.
Once the pancakes are done, he stacks them up on a plate and brings them out to where Dan is sitting on the couch. Phil blushes slightly at how adorable he seems with his sweatpants that look two sizes too big and his curly hair untouched by his straightener. He doesn't make a comment knowing Dan would immediately go and straighten it.
“Oh my goodness, these pancakes look delicious!”
“You can’t eat them until I’m changed, okay? Wait until I’m back.”
“Hurry up then, would you? My stomach is literally growling.”
Phil grabs the pile of clothes Dan had picked out for him and goes to the bathroom to change. He’s quickly finished and makes his way back to the lounge to be met with Dan eating a pancake.
“Dan! I told you to wait!”
“Look, I’m hungover and hungry. One minute felt like a year. I was close to starvation and this one pancake just saved my life.”
Phil rolls his eyes but smiles, “You’re so damn dramatic.”
“I know. It’s a talent.”
They spend the next few hours simply eating pancakes and watching shows on silent so they could make up their own dialogue. It was something Phil often enjoyed doing when he was younger and he was grateful Dan joined him rather than made fun of him like everyone else did. Dan understood him more than anyone else and they had only been friends for a few short months. He never felt compelled to dull down his colourful personality. Instead of being weirded out by it, Dan encouraged it. He had brought out a certain confidence that Phil wished could be used to tell Dan how he truly felt.
Now would be the perfect time but Phil felt unable to say anything. He didn’t even know if Dan was gay. Sure, the way he acted with Phil last night gave him hope but, he was drunk. Phil was sure that if Dan was sober, none of what happened would have happened. Maybe he could try and bring it up.
“So, you remember nothing from last night?”
“Not really. I mean it’s all kind of blurry so I hope I didn’t do anything too embarrassing that scared you off or thought I was some kind of freak.”
“If you had scared me off, I wouldn’t be here right now.”
“That’s true. Can you tell me what happened? I don’t like not knowing, it makes me feel like an entire night of my life is just missing.”
“Well, um, you did the fashion show and we went to the after party where you took more shots than you should have. You mainly just wandered around and kept giggling at nothing. We danced a bit and then came home. I was going to leave but, you asked me to stay so I did.”
“Oh god, did I say anything weird when we got back? I sometimes say weird personal shit and get all clingy. Please tell me I didn’t do that. I did, didn’t I? I’m sorry, Phil. I’m so lame when I’m drunk. Honestly, you shouldn’t have had to listen to weird sad rambling.”
“Do you really think you’re not pretty?”
Silence fills the room as the question lingers in the air. Dan stares at everything except Phil as he contemplates the answer. The answer was clear when he was drunk and without a filter but much harder to answer while sober. He wanted to tell Phil the truth, Phil deserved the truth but telling him the truth would make it all too real for Dan. He had lived in denial with himself concerning the topic and had never actually spoken to anyone about it. Maybe it was time to come clean.
“Honestly, no I don’t.”
Phil looks down at his hands and whispers out, “Why?”
“Beauty is something that I don’t see in myself and honestly, I don't know why. Everyone always thought my looks were the only aspect of me that would actually get me somewhere. They always said that what I wore and looked like was all that mattered. Focusing on perfection was more important than anything else. Modelling was something I took interest in and I enjoy it, don’t get me wrong, it’s just I wish I never started sometimes. Maybe then I wouldn’t be so insecure with who I am.”
“I think you look beautiful. Like, all the time. Not only in just your physical looks but, who you are inside. Your personality is the prettiest thing I’ve ever seen. Beauty is more than what you see in the mirror, and don’t you dare let anyone tell you differently.”
Dan stares at Phil with a level of admiration that can’t be described with words. This boy came out of nowhere and had the most beautiful outlook on what Dan considered his demons. He had somehow made everything seem a little better, even for a short while, with a few words.
That’s when Dan kissed him. It wasn’t anything overly romantic like what you see in the movies but enough to leave them both blushing and smiling. They remained cuddled on that couch for the rest of the day and night before the reality of work hit them Monday morning.
- one year later -
Dan had made it big in the fashion world thanks to the ad campaign. A month after the photoshoot, it was impossible to go anywhere without seeing Dan plastered on billboards all across the city. Phil almost felt jealous that everyone in London was able to gaze upon his boyfriend when they went out for groceries but he knew that he was able to come home and see Dan for real. The real Dan was his, and his only.
His to hold, his to kiss, his to have, at any time he wanted. Phil was happier than he had ever been with Dan and the first year of their relationship was the definition of perfect. That is until Dan’s job became more demanding. Agencies and magazines from all over the world wanted him for photoshoots, commercials, and fashion shows. Of course Phil was happy for his success but at the same time he knew Dan didn’t do well under pressure and could get overwhelmed quite easily. He simply wanted to please everyone and make them happy even if that pushed his happiness to the side.
Phil tried to remind him that he needed a break, even for a day, to just stop and take a breather. Dan retaliated with the same response each time, “I’ll take a break after this collection of shoots, don’t worry, I’m fine.” There were always more shoots followed by more fashion shows in a never-ending cycle of late nights and early mornings.
The bags under Dan’s eyes became more prominent with every passing day and he had gotten into the habit of eating smaller meals, claiming he didn’t have time but there was always food at the shoot. Phil didn’t know if this was true or his managers had him on some ridiculous diet that consisted of a salad and a handful of almonds. Phil knew Dan had to keep a certain weight for modelling and kept being told that Dan was maintaining a healthy weight and not to worry so much but he was still concerned. He was noticing the sudden weight loss but tried his best to not mention it.
Phil knew Dan was insecure about himself already so he knew that constantly being told to try and fix himself would eventually break Dan. He was already perfect in Phil’s eyes and didn’t need to be changed. Others saw him as perfect but, not in the same way Phil did.
A stranger could look at Dan and instantly compare him to an angel. They would look at him and notice how much his haircut suited him, his defined jawline, and the perfection of his collarbones. They would notice how tall he was, how fit his legs appeared in his skinny jeans, and how his smirk could make you instantly melt.
Phil knew him better than anyone else however and as accurate as the physical description was, he knew Dan hated everything about himself that others loved. He knew how often Dan had to fix his hair due to him always believing it was imperfect. He knew how Dan overlooked the perfection of his facial features and instead worried about the creases in his neck when he sat a certain way, and he knew that Dan always felt as if he stood out due to being so awkwardly tall.
Dan saw his brown eyes as boring but Phil saw them as warm and comforting. Whenever Phil gazed into them he felt safe and when the sun shone he noticed the detail and how they sparkled. Dan hated his naturally curly hair but Phil found it adorable. His favourite days were when Dan was too lazy to put in the effort of straightening it. Phil would often play with his curls while he was sleeping and even when he was awake.
Phil just wished Dan could see himself the way he did.
It was getting worse. Phil was convinced with every fibre of his being that Dan had an eating disorder. He had looked at the symptoms and Dan displayed almost all of the signs of anorexia. Phil knew Dan’s current weight was under what was expected of him and yet he still insisted on keeping the diet. Phil knew he lied about eating as well. He had an array of excuses as to why he didn’t want to eat any of the meals Phil cooked for him. “I had a big lunch at the shoot.” “I’m feeling kind of sick, I’ll eat later.” He had lost count of the different reasons and would often hear the same one a few times a week.
Phil would often catch Dan scrutinizing himself in the mirror and complaining about fat that was non-existent. He would squeeze his hips and stomach but there would be nothing to grab and yet he still believed there was. He always denied that he wasn’t too thin whenever Phil tried to bring it up. He would get defensive to the point where they would often break out into an argument. All Phil wanted was for Dan to get help or at least to slowly start eating normally again but Dan wouldn’t have any of it. He would leave without saying a word and lock himself in the bedroom for the night, leaving Phil to fall asleep crying on the couch, only to wake up and pretend nothing had happened.
One night however, Dan broke down. The argument was the same. Phil tried to persuade Dan to get help and get back to a healthy weight as he always did, only this time he asked Dan to quit modelling as well.
The modelling world had sucked the life out of him and Phil feared nothing could bring him back to who you used to be. He was always told he was never beautiful enough and he went to extreme measures to fix what never needed fixing. His smiles were always forced, the light behind his eyes had dimmed, he never ate except for the diet pills he took in an excessive amount. Phil still loved him but he wasn’t the same boy he had fallen in love with.
Phil would hold him at night as he always did but now he could feel every rib protruding from his skin. His skin would bruise just with a simple, gentle hug which only made Phil all the more guilty, his shoulder blades would dig into his chest but he never complained for he loved him too much. He would shake both from weakness and from the cold even when the heat was turned to the highest temperature. He had destroyed himself to be the person people wanted but made himself into someone he could never love. He despised himself more than he did before.
Dan remained silent before wrapping his arms around himself, knees buckling so he kneeled on the ground and began to cry. “I don’t care anymore, Phil. I don’t care about any of it. All I want is to be happy, why is that so hard these days? It’s something I haven’t felt in a long time but, when I’m with you, I’m the happiest I think I’ll ever be. You’re the only thing still keeping me here, Phil. I want to get better for you but, I think I’m too far gone. Please tell me I’m not too far gone.”
Phil kneels down beside Dan and wraps his arms around the small, frail boy and begins to cry himself. Dan clutches onto Phil as if his life depended on it, and maybe it did, until all that was left was sniffles and tear stained cheeks. Phil gently places a finger under Dan’s chin and lifts his head up so they were eye to eye. “It physically hurts me when you say you hate yourself, Dan. Everything you hate about yourself is what I love. What you see as imperfections are what I see as perfection. Beauty isn’t simply what you look like, it’s who you are. Everything about you is beautiful to me and I’m afraid that whatever I say to try and convince you won’t be enough. I’m in love with you. All of you. No matter how imperfect you may be to yourself.”
“I don’t know who I am anymore, Phil. The boy you met at the party is gone. He’s been replaced with someone I hate. I’m constantly torn between improving myself and destroying myself and lately I haven’t been able to recognize the difference between the two.”
Phil didn’t know how to reply to this so he did the only thing he knew how to do. He kissed Dan. He kissed him in a futile attempt to try and show Dan that he was in fact beautiful, that he was capable of being loved when he couldn’t even love himself. Whatever Phil did or said wouldn’t be enough.
Dan passed away that year and a part of Phil had too. He had died trying to reach perfection but not realizing he had it all along in Phil’s eyes. Beauty was the beast in this situation and Dan had lost the battle.
Phil was angry. He was angry at the world for doing this to his beautiful boyfriend, he was angry at Dan for doing it to himself, but most of all he was angry at himself for not doing enough to stop it from happening. If only he had tried harder to get Dan help, if only he had done something more to change Dan’s distorted image of himself, if only, if only, if only.
The doctors say he died from malnutrition but Phil believed he died from perfection. Perfection was a deadly yet underrated disease. It was something that you only had for a short time before the denial and plastic smiles grew stale. Dan’s facade had broken, leaving him in a dark, cold, isolated place of self hatred and unreachable expectations.
Dan had seen himself as a broken mirror. Beautiful on the outside until he began to notice the cracks which then began to turn into broken shards. One by one, Dan broke apart and Phil had tried to glue the broken pieces back together. It was impossible however, you couldn’t fix what you couldn’t see. Dan’s masquerade had fallen and the illusion had dissipated. Yes, Dan had been a broken mirror in his own eyes, but to Phil, he was the prettiest of them all.