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Kieran didn’t exactly know what he was doing back in the Area Zero Underdepths. He hadn’t even told anyone he was coming here. He’d probably get in big trouble if anyone found out.
He supposed it probably was pretty dangerous, but he could never find it in himself to care. Even as a young child in Kitakami he would constantly disregard the warnings and the scolding of his elders to visit that special little cave near the top of oni mountain.
Of course they had found out the thing they were actually warning him about wasn’t dangerous at all. But there was still a pretty big risk of him falling or getting some other rock or mountain related injury. Which, funny enough, they had never even brought up.
Speaking of falling rocks this room looked even worse than he had remembered it. Of course maybe that’s because he was too busy having an existential crisis and trying not to be killed.
This was it. The room he had caught Terapagos. The room where his life had been saved when it rampaged out of control. The room that he found himself after so long in the darkness.
The very memory sent a shiver down his spine.
No, he didn’t really know why he had come back down here. Maybe he thought it would help with his far too frequent nightmares about the place. Maybe it was something else. Regardless, he was suddenly wishing he hadn’t come alone.
There was only one person who he was sure he could’ve invited without either getting snitched on or reprimanded though, and he didn’t want to bother them with his silly whims.
Bright yellow eyes scanned the area as he moved towards the middle of the cave, stepping over shattered crystals that had careened to the ground on account of a terasteralized Terapagos. Finally he reached the spot, running his hand almost reverently over the hole Terapagos’s stasis bound body had left in the crystal.
At the time he had been angry— so angry that Terapagos had walked the other way. Walked away from him and towards…
But no, they had found out later that Terapagos was a reptile kind Pokemon. It seemed kind of obvious but you never could tell without double checking, Pokemon like Lurantis existed after all. That being said, reptile kind Pokemon tended to either be totally independent when they hatched, or imprint on the first thing they saw. This particular Terapagos must’ve been just a baby when it went into stasis, it would have imprinted on whoever it happened to see first, regardless of who it was. It would have even imprinted on Kieran himself, if he had been lucky enough to have been standing there.
That made him feel a little bit better, at least.
But he still felt a sharp sting of shame and regret at the actions that had drove him to that point to begin with. He couldn’t help but wonder. Did he really deserve forgiveness? Did he really deserve friends?
Being here certainly didn’t help those constantly nagging thoughts usually in the back of his mind.
His reckless actions could have gotten everyone hurt, they could have gotten everyone killed. He couldn’t imagine, what if he had gotten out but his sister didn’t? What if the Paradox Pokemon hadn’t’ve gotten sent out in time he would be… he would be…
Maybe he deserved it though. He got to the top. To the very top of the league and what did he do? Did he celebrate? Did he make things better? No. No, he made everyone’s lives absolutely miserable. Arceus… he had yelled at someone whose grandmother had just passed away. Who does that??
Arceus, he was just the worst… sure he didn’t do that anymore but… he had. did he even deserve to even be at the school anymore?
He slumped hard against the crystal wall sliding down it and drawing his knees up to his cheeks, letting the moisture of his tears soak into his sleeves.
He hated people seeing him like this, it made him feel weak, even when he had been reassured that it didn’t. Maybe secretly, he didn’t hate other people seeing him like this though, maybe he hated seeing himself like this.
Sniffles quickly turned into sobs, unable to help himself. He convinced himself it didn’t matter, that no one else was around to see him breaking, but that didn’t stop the bitter feeling in his chest.
He was so dumb… so… so stupid . He was crying like this. He had been so scared, so terrified of dying when he was face to face with the concept. And now in the aftermath he was wishing it had happened? After everything had gone back to normal, no, better than normal. Now he was wishing for death? How stupid was he? How broken was he? Was he always destined to be like this? Was he always destined to be some little afterthought he needed saving? Who was sure to be replaced when the next new person came along? There were plenty of people better than him. It was only a matter of time. He wasn’t needed , he wasn’t necessary. No one would even miss him when he was gone, probably. Maybe they would even be angry, or happy or— or—
No.
A voice in the back of his head rang out.
No, that wasn’t right. That wasn’t right at all, no matter how much he believed it right now, no matter how hard those thoughts were to ignore.
He had people who cared about him. Really cared about him. Maybe not everyone he thought did actually did. But at least four… he had at least four. And he would hold onto those four precious people with everything he had. Hold onto every smile, every laugh, every warm touch directed his way. He had to. He had to or else he might drown. They were his life preserver when the tides of despair threatened to take him under. And he would be grateful for that every day.
He sniffed, rubbing his eyes roughly on his jacket. He still wasn’t okay. He probably wouldn’t be for a long while yet, dark thoughts still shrouding his vision. But there was light. Little and small, not much more than a kindling. But it was there. And it was enough for now.
Kieran allowed himself to slide further down the crystal with a sigh, practically laying now. He closed his reddened eyes, burning as he felt his eyelids cover the dry orbs and huffed out a dark laugh. How pathetic must he look right now.
He just smiled.
At least he was still here.
No matter what happened he was still here. He was breathing.
He was alive.