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Airplane was drunk. Shen Qingqiu was definitely not though. Yes he'd had quite a bit to drink at the party celebrating the anniversary of Cang Qiong Mountain Sect's founding- Zui Xian and An Ding had had a little contest over which peak could provide the finest libations for the occasion and as a result there had been a truly impressive and arguably excessive selection of alcohol on display.
But. But, Shen Qingqiu thought as he dumped Airplane on the bed in the Bamboo House and started taking off the man's shoes, he definitely wasn't drunk. Unlike-
Airplane giggled.
"You're drunk." Shen Qingqiu said.
He got one of the shoes off and started on the other. He was such a a good friend! Taking care of this drunk lout!
"Sure sure an' you aren't?" Airplane said.
"I'm not."
Airplane giggled again. "Yeah that's why you said you'd get me home an' then took me t' your house."
Shen Qingqiu stared around the Bamboo House, then down at Airplane. He threw the man's second shoe at him- Airplane shrieked and covered his face- before sitting on the bed to kick his own shoes off.
"If you don't like it you can go sleep outside," he said.
"No it's cozy in here!" Airplane whined, face half buried in a pillow.
There was plenty of room in the bed for them both- Airplane was much smaller than Luo Binghe and Shen Qingqiu had never felt crowded while sharing the bed with his husband - unless if course Luo Binghe was crowding him on purpose.
Shen Qingqiu flopped back onto the bed with a sigh. He couldn't get comfortable at first, until Airplane- still fucking giggling- reached over and undid Shen Qingqiu's hair crown. He put the hairpiece on the bedside table.
Shen Qingqiu opened his mouth to say something snarky, but what came out was. "I miss my husband."
Airplane sighed. "I miss mine too."
Luo Binghe and Mobei-Jun had been gone a few weeks now. They were somewhere in the southern demon lands trying to strengthen Luo Binghe's grip on the region with Tianlang-Jun's assistance. Hopefully Binghe and his dad hadn't killed each other. Shen Qingqiu genuinely wasn't sure if Mobei-Jun would bother intervening if they did start fighting...
"Husband?" Shen Qingqiu asked. "I didn't get invited to the wedding?"
Airplane went bright red and coughed. "The Mobei clan considers the activities on the wedding night the actual wedding. The rest is just a party. Soooo we're married, but we haven't had the ceremony yet."
Shen Qingqiu flushed too but he was a grown married man who wasn't drunk so he said. "Congratulations."
The pair of them laid there quietly for a moment, before something occurred to Shen Qingqiu. He frowned.
"Hey," he said.
"Yeah?"
"What's Mobei-Jun's name?"
"Mobei-Jun."
"No but Jun is a title." Shen Qingqiu pointed out. "What was his name before that?"
"It's a secret," Airplane said.
"You didn't write one did you? You hack."
"I fucking did." Airplane snapped. "Bro you do not want to know how much unused Northern Desert lore I have! I could write a whole other book!"
Shen Qingqiu blinked and flopped over on his side to face his friend.
"Airplane." he said seriously. "Airplane your lore that's not about how to fuck ladies is the best. That's what got me into this mess."
"See this is why I know you're drunk," Airplane said. "You're being nice to me."
Shen Qingqiu scowled at him.
Airplane just giggled again before giving Shen Qingqiu the lore. "In the Northern Desert babies get a mother-name when they're born," he explained. "That's secret. You only tell people you really trust that. Like sometimes the dad doesn't even know that name. And then you also get a use-name, usually from your dad. And Mobei-Jun's dad was a lazy ass so he just numbered his kids."
"Oof."
"Yeah so when he was born he was Mobei Wu," Airplane said. "And I know his secret name too but you don't get to."
"That's fair." Shen Qingqiu said.
They lapsed into silence again and Shen Qingqiu had nearly dozed off when Airplane spoke again.
"You know what else I miss Cucumber bro?" he said. "Cheeseburgers."
"Ooooo..." Shen Qingqiu said. "Cheeseburger..."
There had been plenty of food at the party but Shen Qingqiu's mouth still watered.
Surely cheeseburgers couldn't be that hard to make, he thought. Maybe they could make their own?
"The meat and buns are easy..." Shen Qingqiu mused out loud. "I'm sure we could figure out the cheese too..."
Some of the sides and condiments would be problematic though. Like tomatoes and potatoes were from the Americas right? Could they fly over and get them? but when did those vegetables even get domesticated? Shen Qingqiu had no idea and-
"...Wait."
"Huh?" said Airplane.
"Waiiiiit."
Shen Qingqiu batted at Airplane's shoulder. "Airplane. Airplane when are we?"
"What?"
"What year is it?" Shen Qingqiu asked. "Like are we pre-recorded history or...is there even an emperor? I've never heard of one. Are we pre-dynastic?"
"Uh," Airplane said.
"You don't know do you?" Shen Qingqiu accused. "Fuck Airplane are we even in China?"
"Yeah? Of course we are?" He didn't sound very sure of that.
"Where's the Yellow River Airplane? Or the Yangtze? Where's Beijing?? Fuck, where's the Demon Realm at?" Shen Qingqiu asked.
"It's a separate plane..." Airplane said weakly.
"But we could walk there! We could go right now and walk there!" Shen Qingqiu countered. "Give me a real world equivalent for anything Airplane! Time or space! We're just on a different planet maybe? I was worried about finding tomatoes but there isn't even an American continent over there is there?" He pointed off West-ish.
"I don't knoooow!" Airplane wailed. "I was just happy I remembered where all the sects were! I drew the map for this on a napkin and transferred it over to a lined notebook I kept in the bathroom!"
"Is there an Africa?" Shen Qingqiu demanded. "A Europe? I've never seen...Airplane do white people even exist?"
"I'm too drunk for this!" Airplane sobbed, hiding his face in his hands.
"I'm not drunk enough!"
It was so late it was early when Luo Binghe arrived at the Bamboo House. He could have waited until morning to go collect Shizun- but he'd missed his husband terribly.
Mobei-Jun had agreed to drop him off before going to pick up his own human- but as soon as they stepped out of the portal both demons paused.
"Nooooo Cucumber bro whyyyyyy!" Shang Qinghua wailed- from the bedroom.
"Shut up or explain yourself!" Shen Qingqiu snapped. "This is all your fault!"
There was a wobbly paper sound and Shang Qinghua whined "Owww!"
"That didn't hurt you you baby!"
"I have delicate skin!"
Luo Binghe and Mobei-Jun exchanged a look and moved to investigate.
As the bedroom door swung open Luo Binghe heard Shizun hiss "Tell me where Mongolia is you hack!"
"Please bro I'm so tired!" Shang Qinghua sobbed.
The two humans are in bed, hair down but fully clothed except for their shoes. Shang Qinghua was laying down like he was trying to sleep but Shizun was sitting up examining a large map he'd partially draped over Shang Qinghua. Neither of them had noticed the demons at first, but when Shen Qingqiu did he pointed at Luo Binghe.
"Binghe," he said- not like he was happy to see his husband for the first time in nearly a month, but like Luo Binghe better have answers. Answers to what Luo Binghe had no idea-
"Do you know what a tomato is?"
Luo Binghe blinked, utterly baffled by this line of questioning. "Yes?"
"Potatoes?"
"Yes?"
"What about... fucking whatever they're called-peppers?"
"Yes."
"Where are they from?" Shizun asked. "Originally."
"My king," Shang Qinghua whispered loudly. "My king please save me before he asks me any more ridiculous questions-"
Shizun leaned over and batted at Shang Qinghua with his free hand while still wobbly pointing at Luo Binghe.
"Are you two drunk?" Luo Binghe asked.
"Yes." Shang Qinghua said.
"Noooo." Shizun said. "Answer the question Binghe."
"I don't know." Luo Binghe admitted as Mobei-Jun moved to collect Shang Qinghua.
Shizun sat back and pouted.
It was adorable but... Luo Binghe was very tired of feeling inadequate after the trip he'd had.
Surprisingly Mobei-Jun spoke as he scooped Shang Qinghua up. "All three plants are originally from the demon realm," he said. "Though humans have been growing them for a long time."
"Airplane," Shizun said. "That just raises more questions!"
"You're sooo smart my king! And strong!" Shang Qinghua said, ignoring Shizun. Mobei-Jun's lips quirked up, just a touch. He nodded at Luo Binghe and moved to leave the room.
"Oh!" Shang Qinghua said. "My shoes!"
A small portal appeared under the shoes in question and they disappeared- presumably back to Mobei-Jun's palace.
"Take responsibility for your actions!" Shizun shouted at Shang Qinghua as Mobei-Jun opened a larger portal in the main room.
"I ain't done shit." Shang Qinghua declared. "An' I'm not sorry!"
"That's the problem!" Shizun yelled back- but the pair were already gone.
"Shizun?" Luo Binghe asked. "Is everything alright?"
Shizun sighed, and shoved the probably extremely expensive map off the bed carelessly.
"It's fine," he said. "Shang Qinghua and I were discussing what the world beyond these maps looks like."
That didn't sound like what they had been talking about, but frankly Luo Binghe rarely had any idea what his Shizun and Shang Qinghua were talking about when they got going.
"Come here?" Shizun asked, holding his arms out toward Binghe. "You're alright aren't you?"
Luo Binghe nodded and obeyed immediately, letting Shizun pull him into bed with him. Shizun clung to him like strangling vines once he got Luo Binghe in his grip.
"You are drunk aren't you?" Luo Binghe asked.
""Of course I am, you think I'd be arguing about tomatoes when my Binghe is here if I wasn't?"
Luo Binghe had to kiss him after that and Shizun eagerly reciprocated- though eventually he pulled away to yawn enormously.
"We should rest." Luo Binghe said. He was, in truth, exhausted, and clearly Shizun was too.
Shizun nodded and let Luo Binghe maneuver him back into their usual sleeping positions.
"You should probably have known that thing about tomatoes." Shizun mused as they got settled. "Since you're the Emperor... I wonder if there's other demon-things you need to know?"
Luo Binghe frowned, his father had pointed out a number of other blind spots in his knowledge on this trip. It had been extremely annoying.
"Shizun will help you figure it out." Shizun promised and patted Luo Binghe's head before dropping almost immediately into sleep.
Well if Shizun was going to help him that was fine, Luo Binghe thought. Excellent even.
He'd have to make sure Shizun remembered this conversation in the morning.