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It's not that she doesn't find him attractive. She's spent far too much time with him over the course of the year to be able to deny that with any credibility: too many hours at the studio watching the muscles in his arms work as he reaches for a box of records on the top shelf, too many nights practically pressed up against him on a too-small dorm room bed because how have you never seen this, have you actually been living under a rock? that explains so much, too many competitions and show-downs and mixers standing in the audience as he sings his way through another Treble set, not necessarily the centre of attention but still the performer her eyes are drawn to every time, the voice her ears seem fine-tuned to.
But that doesn't make it a thing. The fact that he's talented is undeniable, and if she wants to make it as a producer she's going to need to be able to isolate parts of a track by ear; his is the voice within the Trebles that she's most used to hearing, so of course his is the voice she's going to pick out. And it's not like she'd deny that her fellow Bellas are stunning either—she has seen Chloe naked, after all—but that doesn't make her a lesbian, or bisexual, it just means that she isn't blind.
She's not sure how to explain away the butterflies that take up residence in her stomach whenever he smiles at her, though, or the sinking feeling she feels the moment he closes the door in her face. She's not sure she wants to anymore.
*
It's easy enough to make her peace with the Bellas, even if it does feel like the hardest thing in the world at the time. Everybody seems genuinely happy to have her back, and even Aubrey's smiles are laced more with fondness than exasperation. She doubts that Jesse's going to be so quick to forgive her, however. He's probably the best friend she has at Barden, Bellas included, and she treated him like crap for no good reason. Sorry just isn't going to cut it. She's going to need something on a John Hughesian scale.
The second she blows into the pitch pipe, all eyes are on her. "Okay, aca-nerds," she calls out, "please tell me someone here knows who Simple Minds are."
*
It's still a competition, even if she is aiming for a different prize at the end of it all, so she tries her hardest to keep her eyes focused on the judges as they begin singing, but she knows she's fighting a losing battle as soon as she starts her first solo of the set. She has to know that he recognises this for what it is: her heart on the line in front of hundreds of people who have no idea that the stakes tonight are so much higher than a stupid trophy and bragging rights in the a cappella world.
If the smile on his face is any indication, he's got the message, and all doubts fly out of the window the moment he raises his fist into the air.
She doesn't even care if she spends the rest of the set smiling like a crazy person; Aubrey always said that a positive show-face would help them to victory.
*
"I told you: endings are the best part."
"You're such a weirdo."
As much as she hates cliches, it really does feel as though the rest of the audience has disappeared when she kisses him. When they finally separate and she opens her eyes, however, she understands why. "So where's the rest of your posse?"
"My what?"
She reluctantly unwinds her arms from around his shoulders and gestures to the row of empty seats beside him. His eyes widen and he curses under his breath, leaning in for one last quick kiss before beginning to make his way back to the stage. Not quite halfway along the row he stops and turns back to her. "Just...remember that this song was chosen before I knew that that was going to happen," he says, sounding almost nervous, and all she can do is nod in reply.
*
"Well, Gail, it looks like the judges have their work cut out for them this year."
"They do indeed, John. Is it possible that the Barden Treblemakers are going to taste defeat tonight?"
"An hour ago I would have said that there was no chance of that happening, but now I'm not so sure. Here they come now to perform for us as reigning champions while the judges are backstage making that difficult decision."
you know I'm not one to break promises,
I don't want to hurt you but I need to breathe,
at the end of it all you're still my best friend,
but there's something inside that I need to release,
which way is right? which way is wrong?
how do I say that I need to move on?
you know we're heading separate ways
She can't say she didn't deserve this, but it still comes like a punch to the gut to realise just how close she came to losing him. To think that while she was preparing a song that would make her feelings clear once and for all, over in the Treble house Jesse was doing exactly the same. Now, though, she's free to enjoy the performance for what it is: a final hurrah for the Trebles before the Bellas take their place as champions, because she has no doubt that the judges will make the right choice.
But even if they don't, she decides, watching Jesse jump around on stage more energetic than she's ever seen him, the smile on his face broadening every time he looks over and catches her staring, it won't be so bad. She's survived a year at Barden; she and Kimmy Jin aren't exactly friends, but they're definitely on speaking terms; her relationship with her father is better than it has ever been; she's got her a cappella girls around her, and now she's got her a cappella boy as well. She doesn't have to pretend that she isn't amused by his childish jokes; doesn't have to act unaffected when he singles her out in the audience during a performance; doesn't have to continue denying her "toner" to Aubrey, although her objections have always been based more on the use of the non-word than the accusation itself.
(having all that and the trophy, though, that's pretty sweet too)