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I’m sick.
I’ve always known there was some magnetic quality about Sam's personality that attracted every man and woman to her with every smile. So I dismissed it as just a thing that happened with everyone.
She was silver and mirrors and I hated looking at a reflection of myself I could never live up to.
Then I died.
And Sam was there. And without hesitation when I asked her to carry me, She did.
And I couldn't deny the fact that she accepted me easily, like I wasn’t a problem or a burden. I was no longer difficult to love or tough to be around. I was a part of Sam and she, a part of me.
Two beings, two human beings, two people over-lapping and sharing a space voluntarily.
The first thing I felt after death was Sam’s hug.
I was on the other side now and I understood that Sam has always been so much more than just a simple mirror. She showed you whatever version of yourself that was true and honest, the version that she’d always seen you as.
I no longer felt like I was staring into a mirror disappointed at a person I could never be. Because I knew now that what Sam had shown me every time I looked at her was not what I wanted to be, nor a goal to achieve, but just simply her Evan Kelmp. The way she’d always seen me.
“I don’t need anything from my Evan Kelmp but to be my Evan Kelmp.”
And that's when I felt this deep ache settle into me. It was a weight that settled over my shoulders that kept dragging me into a worse place than any hell I’d ever traveled to.
That was the moment I started to feel sick.
My awareness was being drawn to something I know I’ve felt before but this was different. I felt like a person who was always being observed but never seen.
I felt empty. That wasn’t right.
We felt empty. No.
She felt empty.
It felt like the very essence of my being was rejecting the fact that Sam couldn’t see herself the way that I see her. She has always been so much more than just a smiling face.
Sam is beauty and grace, there was never any doubt about that, but she is also the most accepting person to ever live. She is the greatest wizard of all time and the bravest most selfless person I’d ever met. But most importantly she is smart. Smart in a way most people could only dream of being. All of those things combined made up the woman standing in front of me. A woman who was unafraid to step in when my blood turned into a snake to keep it from hurting anyone or who talked the demons, that had plagued me my entire life, into leaving.
That wasn’t even the thing I love most about Sam, it was the reason she did all of that, because she is kind .
Her smile is the thing everyone notices about her because it is a physical manifestation of a true kindness that few people are willing to, or are able, exhibit. A kindness unrivaled by any other.
And then the words were leaving my mouth before I could even think about it.
“I don’t see you the way you’re afraid people see you.”
And when she said it back I couldn’t bring myself to even consider the truthfulness of the statement. The ache settled into my bones that made me yearn for even the smallest comforts of rest.
And for the rest of that god awful, earth shattering, life altering trip it got worse. My body heating to unnatural temperatures to stave off whatever invader had entered my system. My mind always preoccupied, searching and seeking her out.
Sam Britain, Sam Black, Samantha Butler.
And in the final hour I was faced with the version of myself that I had always dreamed of being and I was distracted. It was only for a moment but then I felt it pull me in a way nothing and no one else ever had. My bones were rattling and all my attention was only for her.
I turned my back on the version of me I’d always wanted to be because he wasn’t the one I saw in her eyes. I wasn’t the same person anymore and he was no longer my dream.
She needed me.
She needs me.
I had always believed that up until that point I had a need for K, and Jammer, and Sam, that was never reciprocated. They all had lives to run off to when they left Gowpenny and it seemed there was never the space for me. But in that moment, feeling Sam break down I understood that wasn’t true. I felt what could only be described as a soul call out for me. Need me . It sent a chill down my spine and my body screamed that I needed to get to her side.
In the same way that I had needed her effervescent light to illuminate the person I always was, Sam needed the shroud of my shadow to hide from the pressure and expectations of all the spectators surrounding her.
Placing my hand on her shoulder was a poor attempt to feel her, and have her feel the truth in my statement the same way as when we over-lapped. It was as much an excuse to touch her and to hold her as it was to give her something stable to cling to and ground her.
And the moment she relaxed, that she sunk into me the same way I’d done to her as a shadow was like the first breath of air since we’d over-lapped. The moment I watched her face relax into the small private smile Sam kept for the special moments in life, and when I said that stupid joke that made her laugh ring out across the empty scuppers field. I couldn't help but feel such relief, and such pride.
We didn’t have the time to bask in it though we had a mission to finish on a clock that was dangerously close to the end. And we did reach the end, creating a whole new type of magic different from the old so that everyone could find a place within it.
I was still sick.
We left, time passed, and I moved in with Sam.
It's been almost a year since the best thing that has ever happened for me, and I am still sick.
I'm sick and tired of pretending that I don't feel for her the way I do.
Because for me Sam isn't just magnetic,
She's gravitational.
When my soul, my being, my essence or whatever you want to call it was drifting away, she's the one that brought me back. She keeps me tethered to the here and now. Teaching me how to live a life instead of just surviving in it. Letting me decide and make my own space, my own place in not only the world but her home.
I have a place where I'm expected to be every day. A bedside table with a book and a glass of water, a favorite mug in the cabinet, a usual seat at the counter, a side of the couch.
And every day it hurts not knowing if she knows how grateful I am for all she's helped me to achieve.
I'm so lovesick for Sam Butler, and it's finally time for her to know.