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It was a bad idea: Rand and Kian driving to the edge of town, sat on the leather seats that were torn from use and further ripped from prying fingers peeling it away.
The only light on the road belonged to his car’s headlights. The street lamps exposing them in the main part of town ended ten minutes ago. It was the only way to be even a little bit secure in the fact that no one would be able to see them.
They both knew why they were driving out this far. No one needed to know about this. Not even Rolan.
Rand’s grip tightened on the wheel, thinking about everyone else who could find out. His parents, Kian’s parents, Rolan’s parents, teachers, classmates. He knew basically everyone in town and they all knew him. They could tell everyone in less than a day.
There was a strong trust he let Kian cradle to his chest. He needed to be able to hold it. And having known him for years, Kian had the tightest lips of anyone he knew. Lies and misdirections fell from his tongue like an art. Rand never quite believed that he was so good at it from improv and DND, but he didn’t want to have another reason.
The gas tank was running a bit low. He’ll have to get some tonight. Less than a dollar’s worth. Just enough to fill it to where it should have been without this ride. It had to be perfect. It had to have not happened at all for anyone but them.
Kian tapped on his hand that sat firmly on the clutch. “Wanna stop around here?”
Rand kept his eyes away from Kian. He didn’t want to see the silhouette of his hair dancing around his face. Didn’t want to see the smile gracing his lips. “Let’s go a bit further.”
No pushback, “Alright.”
The road turned from roughly paved to gravel in just another mile. Rand slowed down to avoid the rocks flying up and somehow scratching the paint. He knew the signs here said 50, but he was holding a steady 30.
Rand kept his eyes on the road, driving steady and in silence until they reached the town sign. One side said “Welcome to Galloway,” the other saying “Thanks for visiting!” As if someone leaving would have been visiting in the first place. People only wanted to leave, not come back. He’s seen enough people graduate just to escape town, and barely any of them ever came back.
Rand slowed to a crawl and parked in the grass off the side of the road on the other side of the sign. He let the keys sit in the ignition to keep the lights on for them.
Kian rested his hand on top of Rand’s softly. Rand turned his upward and let their fingers interlock. It was silent and it made his chest feel so warm. He could barely contain a smile at this little bit of contact. He rubbed his thumb on Kian’s finger, just feeling the softness of his skin.
His dad’s windows were tinted to high hell. It was the first thing Rand thought as he shifted right in his seat to lean onto Kian. He let out a subtle laugh that was so distinctly Kian that it made him blush. Their interlocking hands separated as Kian wrapped it around Rand’s body. He pulled his head comfortably to his shoulder. His thumb traced random lines and shapes on the back of his neck, giving him goosebumps. Kian leaned his head against Rand’s.
This was perfect. He would call it Heaven if it wasn’t for who he was with.
Rand let out a soft breath. Kians waves brushed against his face like the tide, just barely tickling him as he made minor adjustments. Kian’s breathing was deep and relaxed, his pulse drawn out. He just knew that his eyes were closed, absorbing his touch. He didn’t have to look.
They sat like that for a while. It was soft and sweet, but not exactly what they came out here for. Rand tapped at Kian’s waist and said, “Let’s go outside for a bit.”
He could practically hear the smile as he said, “Sure thing.”
They untangled themselves from each other, letting go of the other’s warmth if only for a second.
They opened the doors and let them shut. Rand made sure his didn’t latch, letting it hit the frame as softly as possible.
Rand walked in front of Kian, tugging at his shirt slightly as he walked around. They were grinning at each other, giggling even.
Rand felt his stomach drop a bit too much when seeing Kian’s features backlit by the car’s headlamps. His smile dropped in an instant. The light radiated around his head like a halo that neither of them should have had. He stared at the lights.
“You think someone can see us?” He took a step back from Kian, enough to deny any accusations that could come out of this.
Kian met his steps, taking Rand’s hands in his own. The only part of Kian’s hands that weren’t soft were his fingertips. His calluses were built with years of practice, of pressing on strings and strumming until his fingers burned. He loved that flea market guitar more than anything. “We’re so far out, dude, no way.”
“Someone else could be this far out. I don’t want them to see.”
“You don’t wanna see either?”
Rand lightly chuckled, “I already know what you look like.”
“Guess that’s true.” Kian snuck around to the driver side door and flipped the car lights off. Now the only light they had was from the stars and moon.
And God, did his eyes glow under the moonlight. The blue popped with the little bit of light bouncing off of them. They glistened in ways he never saw before. He looked so beautiful. It pulled at his gut and made his throat tighten more than he liked.
Rand took a deep breath and shuffled closer to Kian, who was now leaning on the front of the car. He let their shoulders and arms bump together. It made him feel so warm. The dread in his stomach battled with the butterflies of anxious excitement.
No one could see. He barely could. And he was using that little bit of vision he had to take in as much as he could. The sky was peppered with stars, easily visible beyond the horizon, behind Kian. The sun would bathe the world with its rays, but the moon graciously dropped only enough for the two of them.
Kian’s hand grazed Rand’s cheek and jawline. The butterflies were filling him, filling all of the space that dread would try to take refuge. Rand turned his face slightly to kiss his palm. Kian’s small laugh sang to him.
Rand tucked a piece of hair that framed Kian’s face behind his ear, avoiding the sensitive new stud that decorated it. He dragged his fingers down the rest of the strand, letting his hand rest soundly on his hip.
Kian pulled him in first, letting their lips touch with enough gentleness to satisfy lifetimes. Kian’s hand was placed on the small of Rand’s back, bringing him even closer. His eyes shut involuntarily. He couldn’t see all that much anyway.
And Kian smelled like coffee and late nights and life itself. He tasted sweet and savory, so good that he would never get enough. The soft sigh that escaped him was just as musical as the songs he strummed along to on the radio.
Feeling the corners of Kian’s lips upturn made him smile even more into the kiss. He laughed against him with giddy wonder.
Rand pulled away to take a breath and look at Kian’s face. His own face was burning hot in the best way possible. He couldn’t get himself to stop grinning like an idiot to kiss him more, so he just laid his head on his chest and hoped he got the message.
Kian kissed the top of his head, which was more soothing than anything ever ought to be. He buried his head more and hugged him tightly. He never wanted to let go.
Kian kissed his hair a few more times, each time just as calming and sweet as the last.
When Rand was ready, he grabbed Kian’s face with his hand, holding the other over his shoulder. He leaned up to kiss him.
Rand initiating the kiss made it slightly more desperate, but just as tender as Kian’s. He needed to memorize the adoration that Kian held for him in his lips and hands, the care in his gentle touches. He needed to taste everything that Kian had to offer him. He needed to hold everything that Kian would let him. He needed him as much as he needed air to breathe.
After the first moment of desperation, the kisses once again turned more languid. It was more about how they held each other close than the kiss itself. The slowness lended itself to calm emotions and softness more than aggressive and strong kisses did. He liked both, but since they had all the time in the world, why wouldn’t he take advantage of it.
Rand’s hand migrated to the back of Kian’s head, scratching at his scalp. He combed through the waves every so often. His hair was silky smooth as it glided through his fingers.
With one more kiss, Rand laid his head on Kian’s shoulder. They both took long, peaceful breaths. Their embrace was tight and fiercely needed. Even with a whole night of this, Rand needed more. He could never have enough. Kian rubbed his back with care in every gentle stroke. Kian took another breath, shallow this time.
“Hey,” Kian broke the loving silence, “we need to get going soon.”
An overwhelming disappointment and sadness filled his body. Of course they couldn’t stay here forever. How stupid was he? Rand sighed with his whole body, “I know.”
“And you gotta get home before your parents notice.”
“I know.”
Kian didn’t break away from their embrace. He stayed perfectly still except for the hand sliding up and down his back. Neither of them wanted to leave. He wanted to stay here and hold each other and kiss and just exist in blissful silence as much as Rand does. Keeping the silence because they knew that the other’s presence alone was more than enough.
“And the gas station is gonna close soon.”
“... I know.” Rand tightened the hug as much as he physically could before he broke away, instantly missing the warmth Kian provided.
Rand pulled open the door and sat in the seat, trying not to let the despair be too visible. He knew that he was failing miserably.
Rand turned the key and started the engine. Kian sat in the seat across from him. He stared forward into the night sky, and the newfound light filling the car displayed the teariness in his eyes. If Rand were a stronger man, he would try to help, but he knew that he wasn’t. He just shifted from park to first gear and started the drive back to Galloway.
The cold was getting to him. It wasn’t cold outside, but the warmth of the night was superseded by the warmth of Kian’s hold on him. He turned on the heat. It wasn’t the same, but it was warmth. It was a shallow warmth that only penetrated the skin. The heat before could dig deep into his flesh, into his muscles and soul.
The silence that permeated the car tasted bitter. He doubted talking would feel any better. But it would be different at least.
“Gonna bring you home first.”
Kian made a quiet noise of affirmation and went silent again.
Rand realized just how much he hated the quietness now that it was broken. He needed to talk to Kian if he wasn’t able to hold him as close as he wanted. “Wish we could've stayed longer, man.”
“Yeah,” Kian took in a shaky breath before exhaling just as shakily, “shit.” He sniffled slightly.
Kian tearing up made him want to cry too. Who knows when they could go out like this again. Who knows how long it would take for them to be able to kiss like no one’s watching because no one was watching and no one could be.
The words spilled out of Rand’s mouth without filter, “I don’t wanna take you home.”
Kian looked over with his hair covering his face. He blinked a few times, clearing his eyes as well as he could. He whispered, “I don’t wanna go home.”
Rand bit his lip. “But I have to.”
Kian slumped over and leaned against the door. His head was resting on the window. It almost looked like he was just going to let that last sad promise hang over them for the rest of this ride.
Kian took a deep breath and fully annunciated, “I know.” Like he was trying to hide something. Probably how shit he felt. Rand felt the exact same.
Rand turned up the heat in the car a little bit more. It was making the car stuffy, but he really couldn’t care about that when he needed to feel warm again. He just couldn’t. It never felt warm enough.
The rest of the ride was quiet. At least for Rand, he didn’t want Kian to start fully crying, and he sure as hell didn’t want to start crying either. Silence prevented both things, as deafening as it was.
The drive back felt so much faster than the drive out. It couldn’t have lasted forever, but it was unfair that now that he wanted time to slow, it was moving faster than ever.
Kian’s home stood in front of them. The steel of the dingy trailer gave a dull light under the moon. The curtain on the window of the door was open, showing the darkness within.
Kian turned to face Rand and he couldn’t help but grab his hand before he had to leave. Before he had to pretend that Kian was a friend and just a friend and that there weren’t any hugs or kisses or held hands between them. He held his hand one more time before he had to open the car door.
The words he wanted to say escaped him. He wanted to thank him, or maybe say he loved him, or maybe ask to run away together. But all of them fell to the wayside as the only sounds his mouth could make were barely stutters. He tried once, then twice, to say anything. And he couldn’t get anything out. All he could do was somberly wave goodbye.
He looked at Kian again through the window of his car. He had a weak smile on his face, giving him a similar wave through the tinted glass.
And he turned around to go inside.
He wasn’t sure if the life in him had ever left as quickly as it had then, but his entire breath was gone. He leaned his head against the steering wheel for a moment, just to recover whatever meager amount of energy he could before having to drive again. It was at most 10 seconds before he forced himself upright.
His frown felt like a permanent feature right now. Numbness took the place of sadness and made him feel unreal, like he wasn’t a person anymore. That person was gone and was left miles away at the edge of town.
Rand mindlessly drove to the gas station, pulling up to one of the pumps. He parked his car and sat inside completely motionless for a minute or two. He let himself regain some energy as the silence clawed at his heart. When he couldn’t take it anymore, he dragged himself inside, hearing the bell above the door jingle.
Rand walked straight up to the counter, realizing it was only open for 15 more minutes. He grabbed a bag of chips and headed to the counter with a dollar.
“Hey, Mr. Gas. Just 50 cents at pump 1. And the chips. Don’t want Ma to learn about the midnight snack run— you get it.”
Mr. Gas said nothing in response, just taking the dollar and handing Rand two receipts and change: one for the gas and one for the chips. He stuffed all of it in his pocket as he walked outside.
It was lonely out here with Kian back home. The quiet hurt more than he could bear. All he wanted right now was Kian’s hand in his own again. But he was at the pump and his hand was only holding the cap of the car’s fuel tank. He let the fuel fill as much as his money would allow.
He could have let Kian stay with him while he was getting gas. But then they all would have questions. Why was Kian with him so late? Why not just fill the tank? Why be secretive about this?
The click of the fuel stopping made him jump, taking him completely out of his thoughts. He stowed away the nozzle in the side and shove the cap back on. He fell back into the driver’s seat, letting himself sit in that radiating silence. He turned the key in the ignition and drove.
Rand backed into the driveway as quietly as he could. It was more of an exercise of doing it quickly enough that people don’t notice the motion if they were somehow awake. Once parked in place, he closed the door as quietly as he could.
He snuck through the back yard and climbed the tree into his window, a maneuver he had much practice with. His bed called to him and he didn’t bother taking off his clothes before settling under the covers. Exhaustion toppled over him, which was not all that uncommon. However, it had the rare occurrence of actually bringing him quickly to sleep.
He hoped he would dream of something just as tender as that night had been. Maybe even some place where the car lights wouldn’t have to stay off.