Work Text:
It starts like this-
Felix is intimately aware of the fact that he loves Chan far, far too much. This isn’t a new realization, more of a rehashing of a well known thing about himself that has long since become part of his identity. Him loving Chan is the same as him having freckles, it’s a part of him at this point.
No, what starts is Felix realizing that he (apparently) is some sort of masochist.
The realization strikes him as he looks over at Chan, the man sitting next to him on the train, and he takes in the way his fingers idly fuss at the edges of his duffel bag as his head faces away, looking outside the glass and taking in the scenery that flits by in a way that threatens motion sickness. Felix soaks in his side profile, eyes tracing over the delicate lines of Chan’s face, the way the light scatters across the edges of his skin, turning it all a warm orangey-pink as the man stares at the sunset.
When Chan had invited him to spend the summer together, Felix had jumped at the opportunity, eager and greedy for the chance to spend time alone with him. He hadn’t thought it through, no, of course he hadn’t. Too preoccupied with the temptation of having Chan’s attention focused solely on him for however long the vacation panned out for.
Felix sighed, the action catching in his chest, making his breath hitch on the exhale.
He looked down at his own hands, rubbing the pad of his thumb over his knuckles, needing something small to distract himself with in case Chan looked over at the sound.
Greedy, Felix had been far too greedy and bitten off more than he could chew. Lunging for the opportunity to spend time with Chan had been a spur of the moment decision and his heart was already aching in his chest in sympathy for his future self. Vacation time was rare for them, rare for Chan especially, the man always ready and willing to push himself far past what was realistic. For the company to give them such generous vacation time… Felix hadn’t thought through the ramifications of spending it all with Chan.
It took concerted effort to keep himself from worrying at the inside of his cheek with his teeth.
Close proximity with the man he was in love with would be the death of him.
·༓☼ ☽༓·
The sun had set by the time they reached the small airbnb Chan had rented for them, but the air was still hot and thick with humidity. Felix could smell the scent of the saltwater on the air and swore he could feel grits of sand between his toes already. He trailed after Chan, knuckles tight around his luggage as his palms grew clammy from the warm plastic. Chan stumbled up the steps to the rented house, hauling his own things, Felix letting out a bright little laugh at the sight. “Alright, alright,” Chan huffed, voice coated with a heavy amusement as he carefully set his things on the ground before beelining towards the small white pot of daisies that the owners had said the keys were hidden in.
“They’re in there?” Felix asked, just to be sure, watching as Chan delicately picked his fingers through the stems and leaves, always so careful.
“Sure are!” Chan said, affirmative, tugging the small keyring from the dirt, shaking the worst of it from the metal before wiping the rest off with his tank top. Felix grinned, unable to keep the amusement to himself at the sight of the dirt clinging to Chan’s fingertips despite his best efforts. “Let me get the door,” Chan said, talking mostly to himself as he nudged the key into the lock, Felix hardly able to hear the sound of it unlocking over the waves in the near distance.
He could feel the chill of the air conditioning inside fan out, though, and shuddered, goosebumps trailing up his arms and around the back of his neck. “Ah, cold,” Chan hissed, pulling the keys from the lock and pocketing them. He looked back at Felix, the goosebumps refusing to leave as they locked eyes, and for a quick, quiet moment, Felix was almost worried about what Chan would say. “You first, Lix, that stuff’s heavy,” Chan said, and Felix nodded, mouth dry, following his lead with an ease that would scare him more if it didn’t come so naturally to him.
Felix stepped over the threshold, shoes making little sound on the woven rug by the front door. Moving out the way so Chan could step inside behind him, he toed his sneakers off, setting them side by side near the front, his chest feeling warm when Chan did the same, placing his right next to Felix’s own.
He looked up, taking a moment to absorb the interior of the place. Chan had staunchly refused to show pictures, wanting it to be a surprise, and a small smile crossed his face as he took in the space.
It wasn’t large, not by any means. A little living room with an attached kitchen that led out to a small back patio, and two doors that he was certain belonged to the bedrooms. The inside was built with a light hardwood, painted white, somehow managing to look homey instead of stark. Countless thin shrouds of drapery bracketed each window in the space, and bright pops of green from the plants brought it all together.
A warm palm rubbed at his shoulder blade and he grinned up at Chan, the man eagerly smiling back as he shouldered his things and gestured to the living space with his other hand, the one holding his duffel. “You want to go call dibs on your bedroom?” Chan asked, always so easy, and Felix just nodded along, hopeless as always.
·༓☼ ☽༓·
By the time he’s gotten his things settled, Chan is back in the kitchen, his back turned to Felix as he fusses with something on the counter.
Felix, ever curious when it comes to Chan, sidles over, locking his chin over Chan’s shoulder and peering at what he’s doing. He can feel it when Chan laughs, the sound warm and indulgent, and if Felix were bolder, he would move his hands to touch at Chan’s waist as the man worked. Instead, he settled, and watched as the man carefully cut one of the green apples that had been left in the basket of fruit by the owners of the house. “We can go to the grocery store tomorrow and pick up some actual food,” Chan explained and Felix nodded, shutting his eyes and soaking in the warmth of Chan’s skin beneath his chin. The quiet, crisp sound of him cutting the fruit filled the space between them for a moment, only interrupted when Chan said a soft “open,” Felix listening to the prompt, eyes still shut, the sour taste of the apple hitting his tongue had his mouth watering, and he bit into it with a soft crunch.
He moved back, opening his eyes, grabbing the slice from his mouth and carefully chewing, watching as Chan popped a piece into his own mouth.
“Beach tomorrow after the store?” Felix asked, talking around the fruit in his mouth, refusing to let silence settle over them again. When Chan answered with a quick affirmation, he nodded, hating the antsy, overly excited nerves that bundled up inside of him.
·༓☼ ☽༓·
Being at the beach with Chan, alone, had giddiness thrumming in his veins. He trailed after the man, stumbling through the sand with flip flops that barely worked, kicking more hot sand up onto his feet than it kept off. He held the small cooler in his hands, Chan having insisted on carrying the beach chairs and towels and Felix eagerly let him, taking any opportunity presented to him to watch the way Chan’s corded muscles moved beneath his already lightly tanned skin.
The sounds of happy children and seagulls squalling peppered the air and when Chan stopped, proudly staking claim to a spot in the sand, Felix sat down the cooler and moved to help him.
He was careful to not kick up any sand as he flopped the towels down, idly lamenting the fact his skin had already gone hot with the sun.
As if Chan could read his mind, he sidled up next to him, lazily setting one of the beach chairs down as he popped the lid off of the sunscreen. “Need help with your back?” Chan asked, and the casual way he offered had Felix shattering back to reality. Friends, yes, friends offered to help each other with sunscreen. He… should remember that.
“Please,” he said, quietly settling down in front of Chan when the man gestured to the open spot on the beach towel. The sunscreen was startlingly cool when it hit his skin and he shuddered, Chan laughing, and Felix desperately clutched onto that sound as opposed to the feel of Chan’s broad hands swiping the sunscreen on his back.
When Chan’s hands came to brush the sunscreen against the sides of his waist, Felix adjusted himself, hoping the uncomfortable flush across his cheeks could be blamed on the sun. “I’ve got you now, turn around,” he said, Chan giving an overly dejected sigh as he listened to him and Felix rolled his eyes, thoroughly amused. “If you want to look like a strawberry you could just say that,” and now it was Felix’s turn to tease, just quietly grateful that his moment of mortification had passed with little pain.
“So mean, Lixie,” Chan sighed again, ramping up the dramatics, squawking when Felix squirted a glob of cold sunscreen on his back as vengeance.
He could do this, he could manage this trip and keep everything normal.
·༓☼ ☽༓·
The core issue with it all was how it all came to him as easily as breathing. Spending so much time with Chan, being in such close proximity, gently prodding and teasing him back when the man did it to him.
Days all bled together, the only real way Felix was able to discern them from each other were with the summer updates from the other group members in their shared chat, and the fact that Sundays had become their unofficial grocery day.
So domestic, and Felix had to remind himself that it wasn’t whenever Chan sidled up behind him and wrapped his arms around Felix’s middle as he quietly tried to coerce him into buying ingredients for brownies. If they got any sideways glances at the grocery store, Felix didn’t know, far too preoccupied with keeping his breathing still as he faked a grumble and gave into Chan’s sweet demands.
Again, painfully domestic, down to the way Felix’s fingers clutched in between the metal grates of the wheeled shopping cart that Chan pushed through the aisles.
·༓☼ ☽༓·
The first time they went to the boardwalk was when the sun was dropping past the horizon, turning the sky into a honeyed haze. Everything felt warm, easy, and when Felix inhaled it felt as if he would be able to do it forever. His shorts were still drying, the water on his skin long since evaporated, and Chan had insisted they go get ice cream after he’d prodded Felix into reapplying his sunscreen to keep from getting burnt.
He looked at Chan from the corner of his eye, taking in the way the man’s tank top spread tight across his chest and couldn’t stop his mind from trailing off down a line of thoughts about how hot the metal of his necklace must be against his skin.
The line they stopped in was for the little boardwalk restaurant, worn down from sun and sea salt but still vibrant and bustling. He could smell the fried batter from funnel cakes and fresh made waffle cones and any thoughts on diets for future shows disappeared as the line quickly moved. He listened to the idle chatter from the people around them, silently soaking it in as he shut his eyes, letting the sun settle on his skin and warm him further.
Chan spoke after a bit, Felix immediately refocusing on him. “This place was mentioned all over the itineraries online for the beach,” quiet conversation but Felix smiled, indulging him.
“Should be good then, I haven’t had soft serve in what feels like forever.” He had a sweet tooth, but one that was easy to ignore in favor of things he liked better. Summer was for sugar though, it always had been.
Chan hummed in easy agreement, Felix soaking in the way he smiled.
They reached the front quickly, Felix having little time to read the menu sign as Chan rattled off his order to the woman at the counter. He opted for something simple, vanilla with pink sprinkles, and moved to grab his phone to pay. Chan stopped him with a quick tsk, darting his arm out in front of Felix’s, his phone pressing against the keypad and pinging with the payment. Felix didn’t even have time to voice a protest before the woman handed them their cones, quick with it, Chan shooing them out of the line so the others behind them could order too.
“Chan,” Felix tried to gripe, Chan just smiling back indulgently as he started on his own cone.
Felix was a man of easy distraction, and his words of protest died on his tongue as he watched the pink of Chan’s swipe a line up the side of his own chocolate ice cream cone.
“Alright,” he sighed, licking his own, the sprinkles making it harder to get a taste of the light vanilla of the ice cream. “I’ll get yours next time, though.”
“You can try,” Chan said, cheeky, and Felix darted his hand out to pinch at his side, Chan darting out of the way, more experienced with Felix’s tricks now that they’d been on the trip for a while.
When Chan held his own cone out, silently offering Felix a taste, he jumped for the chance, so overly eager he burned in mortification. The only thing saving him from melting in a puddle was Chan doing the same when Felix offered his own, and when the other man drew his tongue against the part Felix had tried, it felt like he couldn’t breathe.
“I like the sprinkles,” Chan said, sounding oddly quiet in the open air, and Felix could only nod and let out a strangled mm-hmm in agreement.
·༓☼ ☽༓·
It was Chan who suggested a night in with a movie, some time in the ambiguous middle of their trip, when both of them were too sunburnt and tired to go out and try to do anything more engaging. Felix readily agreed, letting Chan pick the movie as he puttered around the kitchen, popping the store branded bagged popcorn into the microwave and letting it start.
He heard the sounds of Chan setting up the movie, the little pings the tv made as he popped around the different search bars.
When the popcorn finally finished, he dumped it unceremoniously into a bowl, moving the trash to the bin and making his way to the living space. The lights in the room were low, and he grabbed one of the thin throw blankets off the back of the chair and threw it on his lap as he settled in next to Chan, handing him the bowl. The man easily accepted it, popping it onto his lap and throwing his arm around Felix’s shoulder as he settled into the soft padding of the sofa.
Something in his stomach twisted, and he tried to banish the awkwardness that thrummed through him as he unravelled the blanket, letting it drape over his legs as the heat from Chan’s arm warmed him. Too nice, too eager to be close, Chan was overwhelming. Half of him curled up in delight while the other half panicked. He swallowed, and let himself be greedy, tucking his shoulders in and leaning closer into Chan’s side, the man letting out a delighted little sound as his palm squeezed tight around Felix’s upper arm.
If he didn’t think that it would be too suspicious, too intimate, he would curl his fingers up in the loose fabric of Chan’s shirt.
He didn’t do that, instead, he forced himself to be content with the closeness that Chan offered him.
Felix already knew that he wouldn’t be able to retain a single thing from this movie.
·༓☼ ☽༓·
The air here was so warm that even in the shower, Felix could hardly feel the water. He could only really feel the water as it beat down on him, on his back and shoulders. A breath shuddered its way from his chest, tears threatening to fall at the corners of his eyes.
Over the sound of the shower, he could hear Chan moving around in his room. Their bathroom was shared, and Felix refused to give Chan reason to be concerned.
There was no way he would be able to explain himself if the man had questions.
He wrapped his arms around his middle, hugging himself, and tried to think.
Selfish, he had been greedy and selfish to accept this trip. Continued exposure to the other man hadn’t sated him at all, hadn’t banished the novelty of a crush or dulled even the strongest senses of love. It made it worse, made him crave more, the constant platonic touching and closeness that Chan pressed for was threatening to overwhelm him and Felix wasn’t sure how much more of it he could take.
The water soaked into his scalp and he shut his eyes, feeling the way the water fell over his face and dripped down across his lashes.
And if some of it wasn’t water, that was his own business and his alone.
·༓☼ ☽༓·
Chan’s hands were, in Felix’s opinion, far too expressive. He watched, greedily soaking in the sight of Chan carefully pressing his fingernails beneath the tight skin of the orange, gentle, to not break the fruit inside. Still, Chan wasn’t perfect, and Felix swallowed at the sight of juice trailing down the lines of his fingers. “Damn,” Chan murmured, even the swear being gentle, as he pressed his thumb further up inside the fruit, sluicing off the skin with unpracticed clumsiness.
The first peel fell onto the asphalt with a dull thud, Chan continuing on, careful to gather the skin in his hand this time.
Felix watched him work, nosy, eyeing the way the tendons in Chan’s arms moved with it..
It was over far too quickly, Chan leaning down to grab the fallen skin with one hand as his other handed Felix the freshly peeled fruit. Felix grabbed it, silently following the unspoken command, and began working the little segmented pieces apart. The soft part that Chan had broken was wet and cool against his fingers, already stickying them. “Here,” Felix said, pitifully relieved that his voice hadn’t broken, as he held up a little half moon of fruit up to the other man. Chan accepted it with a hum, holding it delicately in between his thumb and index fingers before bringing it up to Felix’s own face.
He paused in his work to blink owlishly at it, eyes darting from the little sliver of orange up to Chan’s face, the man giving him an indulgent smile. “You first,” Chan said, teasing, eyes crinkling up with the force of his grin.
Felix’s eyes darted back down to the fruit, heart hammering miserably in his chest. Part of him had a howling, chasmic desire to lick the rapidly drying juice from Chan’s fingers instead. He wanted him bad, so badly it ached, as if his heart was sunburnt and raw instead of his skin. He sighed shakily, trembling like a lamb, and leaned forward, carefully plucking the half moon in between his teeth, popping it in between his lips and carefully arranging it with his tongue so it pressed back out in a childish orange wedge smile.
If Chan could sense his turmoil, could hear the way his heart almost beat itself from where it hid behind his ribs, he didn’t show it. Just throwing his head back and laughing, accepting the next slice that Felix handed him without complaint.
He had never tasted fruit so bitter before.
·༓☼ ☽༓·
It was when Felix was lazing beneath the beach umbrella that Chan had rented on a whim (“It’s a business expense, Lix, don’t worry about it!”) that he felt the brush of fingertips against his cheekbones. He blinked, looking up through the sunspots covering his vision, and saw the bleary outline of Chan. The other man had the decency to look a little embarrassed, Felix’s heart feeling lighter at the sight. “I thought you were asleep, sorry.” Chan said, abashed, and Felix openly grinned, giving into the baser part of his instincts and leaning back into the touch that danced across his face, Chan’s fingers threatening to pull away. He might be giving into the fantasy a bit, but he almost thought he heard a small sigh come from the other man when he did so.
“Don’t worry ‘bout it,” Felix said, Chan humming a nonsensical little tune, and if Felix didn’t know better, he would say it sounded embarrassed.
“Your freckles,” Chan started, a non-sequitur, “the longer we’re here, the more there are.”
Felix laughed at that, brighter and louder than he had in the past few days, quiet misery having blanketed him despite how much he loved spending time with Chan. The man explained himself further, thumbs brushing against Felix’s nose and cheeks, both crinkled up with laughter. He liked it, more than most of the other touches Chan offered him. Something about the way his fingers traced the lines of Felix’s face, mapping it, felt intimate, like Chan was trying to commit it to memory, like he was trying to form a topographical map of all the light brown freckles that dusted across his skin.
“Your hair, too, it was light brown when we came here. Some parts of it are sunbleached.” He couldn’t help but be tickled at the fact that Chan had noticed, Felix certainly had, and had long since given up lamenting the rant he would get from the hairstylists at their return.
“That’s what happens to us natural blonds, Chan, you know that.” He teased, getting a flick to the side of the head as his response.
“You being a natural blond explains a lot,” Chan snarked, going with the joke, and now it was Felix’s turn to feign offense.
“Hey!”
·༓☼ ☽༓·
Going to the pool when spending time at the beach felt like a waste but, well, Felix wasn’t sure if he could handle much more salt water residue against his skin without going insane.
The little house they had rented was part of a community, the community center generously offering an outside pool to its residents. It was a shorter walk than to the beach, and the two of them had the wonderful idea of getting day drunk at the house before heading out on their little trek. Felix felt warm, not overly so, his stomach hot with the vodka lemonades Chan had made, and it took more than a little effort to walk in a straight line to the empty row of beach chairs lining the pool.
It was abandoned, the midday sun hot and bold, no clouds even daring to dart out in front of it, and the sky was so blue that he felt dizzy each time he looked up.
It might have been the alcohol doing a lot of the heavy lifting on that, though, he wasn’t too sure.
“Everyone else is at the beach,” Chan said, filling the air with commentary and Felix hummed, cheeks tight with a smile and there was little hope of it going away any time soon. This happened every time he overly indulged in alcohol, it dulled his senses and made him giddy at the tiniest of things. Even hearing Chan’s voice had him excited and eager and he threw his beach towel down on the back of one of the chairs, claiming it as his own.
Strong arms wrapping themselves around his waist had him squealing and when Chan lifted him from the ground and turned, Felix laughed, twisting. “Not the pool!” He gasped, laughing, feeling Chan hiding a smile from where his face was pressed into his back, and all too quickly Felix felt the weightlessness of being thrown into the water.
The cold of it was a shock and he thrashed, head breaking the surface of the water with an offended gasp, and he didn’t even have a chance to fight back as Chan cannonballed in next to him.
He laughed, almost choking with it, and when Chan’s head came up with a gasp for air, he aimed the meanest splash he could at his head.
Chan sputtered a quick “hey!” sending his own splash Felix’s way. Icy water struck him and Felix stuck his tongue out, able to taste the chlorine in the back of his throat and in his nose. He didn’t even have the chance to blink the worst of it from his eyes before Chan said a menacing (or at least, a laughter-filled attempt at menacing) “I’m going to get you, Lix,” and the war was on.
He was just grateful there were no lifeguards there to watch them embarrass themselves like little kids.
·༓☼ ☽༓·
They had been on the trip long enough for Felix to be able to track the way the sun began to set earlier and earlier. It was darkening outside, the late summer sunset feeling oddly cool as strips of purple and magenta streaked the sky, an entirely different flavor than the earlier oranges and reds they’d seen. It shone into the living space, through the thin canopies of drapes, and if Felix listened closely he could hear the ocean from the window that Chan had cracked open. Summer updates from the other members had been sparser and sparser, Jeongin even sending an update that he was back at the studio with the designers and already poking at different clothes for their next album.
Chan had said yesterday, after they finished the last dredges of the vodka with some smoothies they picked up from the boardwalk, that they should start gearing up to get their things together.
Felix had nodded along at the time because what else was there to do?
Now though, he stood in the kitchen, cutting up the last of the strawberries from the pack they had bought two days ago, Sunday, and tried to stop himself from thinking.
He had done it before, had lived it and survived with his secret affection for Chan, holding it close to his chest and refusing to show it. He had done it before, but he wasn’t sure that his heart would be able to survive doing it again. Having all of Chan’s attention, all of his focus and all of their quiet interactions and touches being between the two of them was… everything to him.
He really, really should have known that this had been a bad idea from the start.
Felix swallowed, hands trembling, and was careful when he cut into the flesh of the strawberries, taking care to take as little fruit as possible when removing the leaves.
The small pile grew, then Felix began focusing his attentions on halving the berries, setting them aside into a bowl as he finished. It was mindless work, nothing but a distraction to keep his mind from racing, but Chan’s quiet “Lix?” from the other side of the room had his chin trembling, all of his efforts tossed out with a single syllable.
There was no hope of him answering without it being in tears, so he didn’t.
The lack of an answer was apparently answer enough, and he heard the quiet sound of Chan padding over, his bare feet hardly making a sound against the hardwood.
“Lix?” Chan asked again, quieter, closer this time, and Felix just shook his head, bracing his palms against the cool counter, pleading silently for it to ground him as his shoulders drew up around his neck. A warm hand against his back was all it took for him to break.
“I have to tell you something,” he choked out, his voice sounding bad even to himself and oh, there it was. He couldn’t take it back.
Chan went still behind him, his thumb rubbing a soothing pattern on Felix’s back a half second too late, and Felix swallowed. “What is it?” Chan asked, already sounding worn, as if Felix had broken him down with the small sentence.
Felix swallowed, throat spasming around nothing, his mouth dry.
As much as he wanted to start it off with an apology, with something to soften the blow, he couldn’t. He couldn’t find the words necessary to make it palatable, something that Chan could work with. He had never been good with words in that way, had never been able to just… ease into something like this.
He wasn’t even sure if his lungs would let him, they already felt strangled enough.
In the end, all he could manage was a soft “I like you,” and then, after a heartbeat, an even softer “a lot.”
He couldn’t even muster up an apology, never in a million years could he ever apologize for liking Chan, even to the man himself.
“Really?” Chan asked with a voice so heartbreakingly soft that Felix had to turn around. The sight that met him had the last of his willpower gone, and he sobbed, Chan scooping him up in a hug so tight it took his breath away. He let himself sink into the other man’s touch, refusing to have hope, even when Chan grabbed at him, hands desperate and wanting, fingers wrung so tight into Felix’s shirt it felt as if it threatened to tear. “Do you really?” Chan breathed, breath fanning against the side of Felix’s neck and he let out another sob, nodding, letting the other man press him up to the counter, his lower back biting into the edge of it.
“A lot,” he said, voice watery and muffled by the fabric of Chan’s shirt that he’d buried his face in. A shuddering inhale threatened to rattle him apart and he could taste the unscented soap the man used in the back of his throat.
“Me too, I do too,” Chan said, in a rush, like he couldn’t force the words out fast enough. One of his hands moved up to the back of Felix’s head, fingers coiling up in his hair and he couldn’t get enough of it, couldn’t get enough of the accidental sting of Chan’s fingernails against his scalp. “Before the vacation too, Felix, oh my God.”
Everything fell into place all at once and Felix could only laugh, relief making his head spin and when Chan leaned back the smallest bit, he could only take in a small breath before the man pressed his lips against his own.
And everything felt right, everything felt perfect and beautiful and Felix let himself be pushed further into the counter as he kissed back, cheeks wet, eyelashes clumping together in wet peaks. When Chan pulled back again it was to press his hands to the sides of his face and thumb away the tears, Felix laughing, choked, as he opened his eyes and took in the way Chan’s own were wet too. “Before the vacation too,” he confessed, a weight lifted from his chest, soaking in the way Chan’s whole face softened.
“I love you,” Chan said, so soft it hurt, and Felix could only muster a small “oh my God,” before pressing their lips together again.
The cut strawberries sat on the counter, overripe, and forgotten.