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Merlin raced through the streets of Camelot, practically dragging Gwen behind him. They had so little time left. In fact, they might already be too late. Arthur was one of the greatest fighters he had ever seen, but King Olaf had years of experience over him. Also, King Olaf wasn’t trying to stare at a beautiful girl in the stands every five seconds.
“Faster!” he called back to Gwen, who was trying her best to keep up. Her long skirts were a significant burden compared to Merlin’s trousers.
He could scarcely believe she had even agreed to do it. It was a true testament to both Gwen’s character and their friendship that she needed little explanation. She trusted him that much. Or maybe she just loved Arthur that much.
Either way, if it prevented Arthur’s untimely death, Merlin would take it.
Skidding around a corner and nearly crashing into a merchant’s stall, Merlin could just see the colorful tents lining the arena. He and Gwen sprinted towards the largest one.
Merlin nearly ran straight into Arthur, who was fully dressed in his armor with his helmet in his hand. The cheering of the crowd just outside meant that the third challenge was soon to begin. Merlin jumped to the side so that Arthur could collide with Gwen instead. Arms outstretched, she forced him backwards and pressed her lips against his.
Arthur’s whole body stiffened. Gwen pushed him back several feet, holding him firmly against the wall and kissing him soundly. He reached up half-heartedly, as if to cradle her head.
Then he shoved her away.
“Guinevere, what are you doing?” he exclaimed.
Gwen’s eyes shifted to Merlin. She looked hurt and scared.
“I-”
“Nevermind that. My true love awaits for me to fight for her hand. I haven’t the time for this.” He moved as if to duck past Gwen, but she grabbed his arm.
“What do I do?” she asked Merlin frantically. “It didn’t work!”
Merlin felt himself begin to panic as Arthur removed Gwen’s hand from his arm and went to pick up his helmet from where it lay on the ground. “I don’t know… that was supposed to be it! A kiss from the one he truly loves!”
He watched the hurt flash across Gwen’s face.
Arthur stood back up, helmet in hand. “I’ll deal with you two later. After I have defended my love for Lady Viviane” he snapped.
Merlin froze. He opened his mouth, trying to think of a spell, any spell, that could fix this entire thing. But no such spell existed, and his mind was going blank. His eyes darted frantically around the tent. Should he knock Arthur out? Tie him up? Tackle him? What could he possibly do?
Lost in his confusion and drowning in adrenaline, Merlin didn’t see the hurt that marred Gwen’s features shift into understanding as she looked back and forth from Arthur’s retreating back to where Merlin stood paralyzed by shock.
Quick as a viper, she darted forward and snatched the collar of Arthur’s armor. By catching him off guard, she was able to yank him backwards just before he exited the tent.
“Lay a finger on me one more time and I’ll have you sent to the dunge-oomph.”
Gwen shoved Arthur as hard as she could in Merlin’s direction. She made eye contact with Merlin and demanded as forcefully as she could, “Kiss him!”
Merlin didn’t think. He didn’t have time to. He surged forward and pressed his lips against Arthur’s before he even knew what he was doing.
He felt Arthur stiffen against him and his brain caught up to him immediately. Oh heavens, he was going to be executed for this. Publicly flogged and then hanged in the main square. Then Arthur would have no one to protect him, his mother without a son, and Gaius left all alone again.
Merlin went to pull away, already trying to find the words to beg and plead for his life, when he felt a hand gently cradle the back of his head. Arthur softened and the kiss went from two people forcibly squashed together in the most uncomfortable way to the loveliest thing Merlin had ever known.
Arthur’s other hand wrapped around Merlin’s waist, tugging him closer. The fingers in his hair tightened, and Arthur tilted his head ever so slightly to get a better angle.
Merlin felt like he was drowning.
He never wanted to come up for air.
The kiss ended as suddenly as it had begun. Arthur pulled away, panting. His hand remained on Merlin’s hip as his eyes widened and Merlin watched the enchantment fall away. As clarity returned to Arthur, he jumped back. His eyes were wide and for the first time since Merlin had met him, Arthur looked scared. Terrified.
“Merlin-” Arthur choked out, but it was too late.
Merlin ran.
If he was paying attention, he would have seen the way that Arthur immediately turned on his heel to chase after him. He would have seen Gwen grab Arthur for the tenth time that day and frantically explain that he had a tournament to win. Or at least, a tournament to not die in. He would have seen Arthur reluctantly head to the arena, to put an end to the violence and threat of war once and for all.
Merlin saw none of that.
He could barely see the street in front of him through the tears that were welling up in his eyes. The sound of his heart beating altogether too fast pounded in his ears. He felt as though he were going to be sick.
He practically tore open the front door and let it slam loudly behind him, unable to care about how many times Gaius had told him off about it. He took the steps two at a time and grabbed his bag from the hook behind his own door.
He had to get out of Camelot.
His tears fell hot and heavy as he stuffed everything he could grab into his satchel. Clothes, books, a canteen. He could barely see what he was picking up anymore. It didn’t matter. He hardly had any possessions anyway.
The third challenge wouldn’t take Arthur long. He had to be beyond the city’s gates before it was over. Merlin would take a horse. It was technically stealing, but with a death sentence already on his head what did he have to lose?
He couldn’t go to Ealdor. Arthur would find him there. Oh, why had he ever brought Arthur to Ealdor?
He’d ride south, as far as he could. He’d keep going until Camelot was a distant memory.
Merlin ripped a piece of paper from a random book and snatched up a quill. He’d have to write Gaius a note. His heart ached. He’d give anything for a proper goodbye.
His hands were shaking so badly that he couldn’t form any of the letters. The ink blotted heavily on the page, marring any progress he managed to make. As he stared at the mess of ink and paper that was blurring in and out of his vision, Merlin realized he couldn’t breathe.
His knees gave out and he collapsed on his bed, coughing and wheezing. Breathe, breathe.
Why couldn’t he remember how to breathe?
He curled up in a ball, his nails leaving angry scratches behind as he raked them down his arms. He couldn’t feel the pain. Couldn’t feel anything. All he knew was that he had committed a terrible sin and a punishable crime and if he didn’t leave right now his head would be separated from his shoulders by dawn. He had to go.
As soon as he remembered how to breathe.
__
Arthur stumbled out of the arena, scarcely able to process anything going on.
His body moved of its own accord, smiling at his father, accepting handshakes from the other kings. He vaguely heard something about everyone taking down time to recoup before the treaty signing that evening.
Good, that was the break he needed.
Merlin. He needed to find Merlin. He couldn’t remember much of anything beyond falling asleep after the initial peace treaty negotiations. All he knew was that the first thing he registered were soft lips on his and a lean frame tucked against him, and then jumping back to see Merlin looking so horrified and small and scared, and before Arthur could so much as say his name, he had run.
Arthur needed to find Gwen first. He had to know what was going on before he spoke to Merlin. The other boy looked as though his entire world had shattered. Despite Arthur’s instincts to just bull-headedly rush into comforting him, he knew he needed all the facts first.
“Guinevere!” he called, catching sight of her standing just behind Morgana. “My servant is currently indisposed. I have need of you for a task.”
Morgana nodded in assent and Gwen was at his side in an instant. He gestured for her to follow him and then turned into the city. He wound down a street or two and then turned into a narrow alley, double checking to make sure no one would overhear them.
“What the hell happened?”
Gwen looked nervous. Her hands were clenched around the fabric of her skirts. “I don’t know much myself, sire. Merlin burst into my house earlier and told me that you had been enchanted to fall in love with the Lady Viviane to start a war between King Olaf and Camelot. He told me that only the kiss of your real true love could break the enchantment, and that I needed to trust him or you could die.”
Arthur stood there a moment, trying to process her words. A sinking feeling came to his stomach.
“And you kissed me?”
Gwen nodded.
“And it didn’t work?”
Gwen shook her head no. “I’m sorry, sire. I tried, but-”
“No Gwen, it is I who should be sorry. You know I care for you a great deal. I appreciate your efforts more than you know. I apologize for hurting your feelings.”
Gwen sniffled and wiped her eyes. “It’s alright, you can’t control who you love.”
Arthur took a shaky breath. He leaned against the wall for support. “Merlin kissed me,” he stated bluntly. Harshly.
Gwen clasped her hands together and fell to her knees in the dirty alley. “It was my fault! I told him to! I made him! Please don’t hang him. He didn’t mean it. He’ll apologize. He’ll leave Camelot forever. Just please don’t kill him!”
Arthur gaped at her, horrified. “I’m not going to kill him! I would never want to cause him harm! I-” He cut himself off. Leaning against the wall again, he resisted the urge to slam his head against the stone.
There was a moment of silence between them. Only Gwen’s sniffles could be heard over the sounds of the townspeople bustling about in the streets.
“The enchantment was lifted?” he asked Gwen softly.
“I think so.”
“Because of Merlin?”
“Yes, because of…”
“Don’t say it,” he begged. He offered his hand and helped lift Gwen to her feet. “Thank you for your honesty. I must go find him now.”
He watched Gwen’s demeanor change. She stood as tall as she was able and jutted her chin up, looking him in the eyes. “Don’t you dare hurt him,” she said. “He’s done nothing but try and help you. I will not see him suffer for it.”
“I won’t hurt him, Gwen. At least I’ll try not to. If you don’t trust my words…” He let out an embarrassed chuckle, rubbing the back of his neck as his ears turned pink. “Trust the fact that the enchantment was lifted.”
Gwen nodded in approval. “You have my secrecy, your honor. No one will ever learn of this day.”
“Thank you,” he said genuinely.
He left her alone in the alley, which on second thought was against everything he knew as a gentleman and a knight. But he never gave it a second thought, because all he could focus on was finding Merlin and making everything okay again.
--
Finding Merlin was easier than he expected.
The front door to Gaius’s workroom and his and Merlin’s home was standing ajar when he got there. He knocked anyway, but entered when there was no response.
The workshop was empty, so he quickly crossed it and climbed the steps to Merlin’s small room. That door was also ajar, and Arthur gently swung it open.
Merlin was laying in his bed, curled up in an almost-fetal position with his back to Arthur. Arthur could hear muffled sobs coming from the shivering figure of his friend. It made his heart ache. This was his fault. He had caused all of this.
He had known ever since the first time he laid eyes on Merlin that there was something special about him. It infuriated him, the way that Merlin sassed him and thought he could just saunter away. How even when being pelted with fruits, he managed to laugh. How good he looked with tomato juice flattening his hair and dripping down his face.
After Merlin became his servant and the two were able to spend more time together, Arthur had just figured that perhaps the obvious connection between them was friendship. Arthur had never really had any male friends his age growing up. The knights of Camelot, obviously. But those were more his brothers-in-arms. His loyal subjects. Merlin was different.
Men kissing other men… or being in ‘relationships’ of sorts was not unheard of. But it was illegal. The noose awaited anyone caught in the act. Arthur had never dared let his mind stray there, for fear of what it might dredge up. Besides, he was genuinely attracted to women. Why do anything other than focus on that?
But that one kiss had opened the floodgates and Arthur’s entire world was crashing around him. He knew, with absolute certainty as he stared at Merlin’s sobbing form, that nothing would ever be the same. He’d never be able to shove all these thoughts and feelings deep, deep back down to wherever they’d been freed from.
And so with his mind made up, Arthur took a step backwards to the door and gave a gentle knock.
__
Merlin clutched his pillows, gasping for more air.
He didn’t know how long it took him to remember how to breathe, but even after the air began to grace his lungs again the crying wouldn’t stop.
He didn’t even know he was capable of so many tears. His eyes felt swollen and his head felt heavy, like his skull had been replaced with cement. He took another deep breath. He’d be okay. When the guards came storming in, he’d just have to beg. He’d say it was a mistake. That he had tripped and fallen against Arthur accidentally. Merlin was notoriously clumsy, so it wouldn’t be impossible to believe.
He’d beg Arthur to let him leave Camelot forever. Maybe then he could go back to Ealdor. Back to his mother.
A quiet knock startled him violently. He shot up, whipping his head around and coming face to face with his worst nightmare.
Arthur looked unfairly beautiful, standing awkwardly at the door of Merlin’s room in his chainmail. His face was still flushed from the tournament and his eyes shone in the light beaming through the high window.
Merlin was sure he looked awful in comparison. Eyes red and puffy, body too thin and gangly, facial features too sharp. He furiously scrubbed his sleeves over his face, trying to wipe the tear trails away. He had to be brave.
“I wanted to make sure you were okay,” Arthur said softly, taking a hesitant step towards him.
Merlin’s eyes narrowed ever so slightly. “I’ll leave Camelot right away. I just need a minute to finish gathering my things.” He watched as Arthur’s eyes drifted to the abandoned bag on the floor. “You’ll never see me again, I swear it.”
“Is that what you want?” Arthur asked, voice still cruelly gentle.
“I-” Merlin hesitated. “What choice do I have?”
Arthur’s gaze darted from Merlin to the floor, then the window, then the door, and back to Merlin again. His fingers were picking at his chainmail sleeves. He looked almost nervous. “You could stay,” he offered. “If you want. I won’t let your head leave your shoulders, Merlin. You must know that. Gwen was the only one present and she won’t say anything.”
Merlin gaped at him. “But you-”
“I don’t know if you noticed, Merlin, but the enchantment lifted. I’m in just as much danger as you. More so, because it actually meant something for me. So why should I get to stay in my home and you be forced to leave?”
Merlin’s head snapped up to fully meet Arthur’s eyes so fast he was sure he got whiplash. “It didn’t mean nothing to me. It wasn’t just a kiss. That’s why I must leave.”
Arthur nodded. “Then we’re both in the same boat. And we should both stay. Unless, of course, I make you uncomfortable.”
Merlin felt the tears welling back up. How did he have any left to cry? “You don’t understand,” he whispered. “I can’t be even more of a freak.”
“Hey,” Arthur said. He closed the distance between them and sat carefully on the edge of Merlin’s bed. “I don’t think you’re a freak.”
Merlin laughed bitterly. “You don’t know anything about me.”
“Well that’s just not true! I know that you love green grapes but won’t eat the red ones. I know that you hum when you’re happy and you sing when you’re drunk. I know that you’re absolute rubbish at mending my clothes.”
“Arthur, stop,” Merlin begged weakly.
“I know that even though you claim you have no preference, you’ll choose to ride Sadie over every other mare. I know that your hips hurt after a long day on horseback, even though you try to hide it. I know that the leather bracelet you wear on your left wrist belonged to your father, and you only take it off to clean Gaius’ leech tank.”
“Please, Arthur.”
“I understand that I don’t know everything about you Merlin. But there’s nothing about you that I don’t want to know. I’ll learn everything, if you let me. All your likes and dislikes and preferences and ailments. There’s nothing you could tell me about yourself that I wouldn’t love to know.”
Merlin wanted to scream. He wanted to laugh. He wanted to cry. It was taking all of his willpower not to blurt out “I’m a powerful sorcerer that’s been hiding under your nose this whole time.” But he wasn’t stupid. By some miracle, it seemed like he would be escaping the noose today. What sense would there be in turning around and walking straight onto the pyre?
Ultimately, he just sadly shook his head. “Arthur, I can’t. We can’t. You can’t know all of me.”
“I know,” Arthur whispered. “I know we can’t acknowledge this. Can’t explore it. But I don’t want you to lose your home, Merlin. You belong in Camelot as much as I do. And selfishly, I don’t want to lose my friend. So please stay. We’ll figure this out.”
“Alright,” Merlin relented. “I’ll stay.”
Arthur’s smile made the whole room brighter. It made Merlin question why he was ever fearful or sad.
“I have to go get ready for the signing of the peace treaty,” Arthur said sadly. He shuffled slightly closer.
“I should probably come help you,” Merlin said, wiping his final tears away. “Seeing how it is my job. Um, if I still have it.”
“Of course you still have it! Are you daft? I just said I don’t want anything between us to change. Honestly, you never listen to me.”
Merlin finally was able to crack a smile.
Arthur continued. “Don’t worry about it tonight. Although I think you look stunning, by court standards you look quite dreadful. Take some time to collect yourself.”
“ Stunning. The tall, muscular prince of Camelot thinks I’m stunning ,” Merlin thought. He was sure his face had never been so red before. To make everything worse, Arthur leaned forward and gently kissed Merlin’s cheek.
Merlin buried his head in his hands. “I thought you said nothing was going to change!” he said into his shirt sleeves. Arthur chuckled in his ear.
“Well, maybe a little change can’t hurt. I’m sorry our first kiss was to break me out of an enchantment, and that I wasn’t aware of what was going on for half of it,” Arthur apologized. He reached up and gently pulled Merlin’s hands away from his face. “I’ll make it up to you later, I promise.”
He winked, and then he was gone.
Merlin flopped back onto his bed, stifling his scream into his pillow. And if Gaius attributed his humming and dancing around the workshop during dinner to another successful day of saving Arthur’s life, that was his business. And if Gwen smiled knowingly at him from across the room at the treaty signing, that was her business. And if Arthur caught Merlin’s gaze for a half a second during Uther’s speech and winked at him.
Well, that was their business.
And theirs alone.