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Newt never wanted kids.
“He looks like me.”
Okay, so that was maybe a lie. Newt had never been able to trust himself enough to want kids, because he could barely look after himself, let alone a whole other person.
“I mean, I know he's all squished and wrinkly and whatever right now, so he looks more like a weird prune than a tiny person, but he looks like me.”
He had always sort of assumed he'd be bad with kids, on top of the whole ‘entirely too irresponsible to take care of them’ thing. He was really, really bad at people in general, so it wasn't that much of a leap. Tiny people, who had yet to master complex thought or managing their emotions? Nightmare. Newt had definitely pegged himself as a complete disaster where childrearing was concerned.
Granted, that was before he met his niece, who pretty much splatted into his life with the force of a meteorite and flat out refused to do anything but adore him. Kadie was, in Newt's entirely biased opinion, one of the best and most awesome people in existence, irrelevant of the fact that she wasn't quite three yet and could barely write her own name.
That was another reason he sort of thought he'd be totally awful at kids, to be honest. Newt was smart, and not necessarily in a nice way. His sort of clever tended to come out of his mouth as smug, self-righteous and inpatient, which was pretty much the worst thing ever for kids. Yet another reason to not trust himself around them.
“Strange.” Hermann, who was, despite an upbringing of nightmares and shitty social skills, great with kids, gave Newt a bit of a nudge with his elbow. He did not, as far as Newt could tell, take his eyes off the miniscule person they were minding. “It's almost as if you donated your genetic material to my sister to make him.”
Well that made it sound fucking weird! Newt liked Karla. He actually liked her a whole fucking lot, because she was stubborn, passionate and completely, brilliantly unafraid to cause absolute chaos on a whim. Her brain worked a bit like his, but in a yes, kindred spirit kind of way that didn't trigger the instant loathing that was maybe a little bit to do with Newt not liking himself all that much.
Granted, it was better these days. Newt had a support network of awesome people, a job (ish) that didn't make him feel like he was selling his soul, and a therapist. Well… he had three different sorts of therapists, because his crazy was just about as extra as the rest of him.
“Oi! That makes it sound weird, dude. Super, super weird.” Newt had well and truly lost track of his thought train, because there was a brand spanking new human for him to look at. Still, one thing really stood out. “Possibly weirder than the wholeass tiny person wearing my nose.”
Typically, Hermann rolled his fucking eyes. Newt couldn't see it, because they were both completely focused on brand spanking new baby, but he didn't actually need to. Hermann was well and truly living in Newt's brain, and could roll his eyes remotely.
“I can confirm that your nose is still right on your face, where it belongs.” Wow, what an asshole. Hermann was lucky that one- Newt fucking adored him and two- Newt could literally feel the smug humour radiating off Hermann like a furnace. “Though I must admit, the child does seem to have inherited his own version.”
Ha! There it fucking was. If Mr Math Bitch could see the mini version of Newt's fucking nose on the tiny human, then it was pretty much fact. “Exactly! He's a teeny tiny person with a teeny tiny version of my fucking nose on his face, and that's- yikes. It's wild. Your sister made a whole human, and the poor little fucker looks like me.”
Genetics was kind of Newt's jive, so he had been aware that giving his swimmers to Karla might result in a kiddo that looked like him, but he hadn't actually been expecting just how much. Newt's dad had about five hundred thousand pictures of Newt from birth to present day, and Jamie Gottlieb? Absolutely spitting image of him as a newborn. Even the mad little mohawk of fluffy brown hair matched… It was wild.
Hermann made a funny little scoffing noise. If Newt hadn't been well and truly ensconced in the guy's head, he would have labelled it as derisive. Because he was completely and utterly, balls deep, no take backs wedged into Hermann's brain, he knew the truth. That scoff was downright fond.
“He's barely five hours old, but I suppose you do have a point.” Hermann leaned down a bit, to get a better look at the baby. As if he hadn't been watching him pretty much nonstop since the squirt was left with them. Newt couldn't exactly blame him, though; it was difficult to take his eyes off the wriggly, wrinkly little creature in the bassinet.
Of course, Hermann couldn't just let Newt win an argument. His lips tilted up into a positively wicked smirk. “The resemblance is… striking. Especially when the child is disgruntled.”
Oh wow. Wow. Newt was wounded! The indignation may have triggered a bit of a shriek, but Newt couldn't exactly help it when faced with Mr Meanie Pants at peak bitchy. “Um, rude! True, because he absolutely has the same pissed off face as me, but also mean.”
Unfortunately Newt's scandalised voice crack was enough to surprise the baby, who started up with an absolutely horrendous noise. Little dude was tiny, but fucking hell he he could scream like a fire alarm!
Hermann, whose head was closest to the racket, flinched a bit, though it didn't stop him reaching out to place a hand on Jamie's little chest to try and settle him. “Hmm, I believe he's inherited your lungs, more's the pity.”
“I kind of remember Kadie being less, y'know… air raid siren?” Newt was a little bit tempted to slam his hands over his ears, because wow could that kid shriek. The raw, brand-new baby noise rang about a thousand alarm bells in both their heads, which was awesome…
“But there's a really high likelihood that the trauma of her just arriving like that scarred me for life. My brain might have deleted it.” Newt had been entirely unfamiliar with tiny humans, and a little bit terrified that he'd break a baby, when Kadie had quite literally dropped into his lap in a freaking hospital parking lot.
He'd been completely and fucking utterly unprepared, because seriously: hospital parking lot! Not the appropriate place to pop out a baby. But Nessa was kind of extra like that, and it wasn't like babies were willing to wait around. Kadie especially; little dude did everything fast, and often scared Newt half to fucking death in the process.
“She is still quite capable of deafening a grown man at twenty paces.” Hermann had front row seats to Newt's thought train these days, so he was aware of the sudden baby flashback Newt had brewing. He spared a moment to squeeze Newt's wrist, before reaching into the bassinet. “But I suppose you do have a point.”
He was heartbreakingly careful, as he gathered Jamie up. Newt watched, captivated, as he settled the baby against his chest. “Yes, there there, I know, the world must seem very disagreeable right now, but your mother will be back shortly.”
See, if Newt hadn't been convinced that babies were actually kind of awesome? Yeah. That would have done it. Hermann Gottlieb, grumpy math bitch extraordinaire, soothing a brand new and super tiny baby was enough to melt even the most hardass fucker.
“It's the pitch, right?” Newt was not, by anyone's reckoning, a hardass. He was, as a matter of fact, a great big weenie; Hermann being all soft with the baby made Newt melt. Even if said baby did sound like a cat being stepped on… “Yeesh. I thought dad was kidding when he said I wailed like a fucking fire alarm.”
That was probably the most flattering way Newt's dad described it. Apparently Newt had been the literal worst baby imaginable, and had screamed at the top of his lungs pretty much nonstop for months. It wasn't even like he'd needed anything. Nope, he'd just howled constantly regardless.
Hermann clearly caught that thought, because his expression was suddenly borderline lethal. “You still wail ‘like a fucking fire alarm’, just with more expletives and less…”
“Tiny baby rage?” Literally the only reason Newt was willing to let Hermann get away with that dig was the ocean of squishy feelings seeing him cuddle a mini human it triggered. Fuck, that tiny person was biologically Newt's spawn, which was wild.
“Quite.” Hermann changed his hold, got the kiddo settled in the crook of his arm. “He does seem rather irate.”
‘Irate’ didn't even begin to describe it. Newt was actually kind of impressed at how mad the little guy was. “Little dude’s purple. Like, I get it; he's been all nice and warm for literally ever, and suddenly he gets squished out like toothpaste, molested by a nurse, and dumped in a crib with only us to keep him company. That's gotta suck.”
Poor kid was brand new; outside the womb was a whole new nightmare for him. His entire life had been floating in warm darkness, then all of a sudden he was scooped out and dumped in a cold, sterile room where he couldn't even hear his mom's heart beating. Hell, Newt would absolutely scream too, if that happened to him.
Hermann ever so carefully smoothed the angry tears from Jamie's bright red little face. It was clearly a surprise, when the kiddo suddenly pounced and sucked Hermann's left index finger right into his shrieking maw, especially when the noise stopped dead.
“Ah… I imagine he's hungry?” Hermann looked hilariously shellshocked, but he didn't try to free his finger. Granted, Jamie had latched on like a boss; no way was he getting his hand back without a fight. “That, or his attempt to consume my finger is some cabalistic urge inherited from you. Either way, it's not his fault.”
Um, mean. Newt made sure to scowl extra hard, as he whipped out his phone to take a picture. Karla would skin him if he didn't record the moment for her to fawn over later. “Eh, it's a reflex. His itty bitty body is all chock full of ‘em. Newborns are super cool like that; can't even regulate their own temperature, but they sure as shit can power squirm to the nearest boob.”
The face Hermann pulled? Fucking epic. Newt snapped a picture of that, too. “Charming. Should I be concerned that he seems to have mistaken my hand for the aforementioned organ?”
“Ha! Aforementioned organ!” Fuck, Newt adored him. Ridiculous, stuck up, bitchy math dork. “I'm totally going to tell Karla you said that. Fuck, I'm gonna tell Nessa you said that.”
Karla would definitely get a kick out of Hermann's wording, once the staff had finished molesting her with the post-baby cleanup, but Newt was actually more interested in Nessa's reaction. Her sinestesia was really fucking cool, and hearing her describe what new word combos looked like in her head was awesome.
“Yes, and she'll see fit to bring it up ad infinitum, usually in polite company.” Hermann sounded long-suffering, but Newt was onto him; he found Nessa's crossed wires just as cool as Newt did. Hell, he probably found it more cool, because it was all twisty, excited math bullshit to him. “I never should have allowed you all to conspire…”
Hermann had worked really, really hard to keep Newt and his sister away from each other. He'd done it for over a decade, before a whole lot of Newt in his brain made any sort of separation seem ridiculous. Newt got it; Hermann had been legit scared that Karla and Newt would like each other better than they liked him.
“Me and your sister did waaay more than ‘conspire’, Herms.” Newt got the god please like me panic, but seriously; what an idiot. Hermann was Newt's favourite person ever. “You're literally holding the evidence.”
Did Newt jig his eyebrows a bit, and think the most suggestive thoughts possible right at Hermann's brain? Hell yeah he did. He was a little shit, it was inevitable.
Also inevitable? The look of complete and utter revulsion that Hermann was powerless to hide. “Oh don't be repulsive. We both know there was absolutely nothing carnal involved…”
“Heh, carnal. Kinky. Though not kinky with your sister. That'd be weird, and she's scary.” Karla was hot, there was no point denying it. She was also outspoken, charismatic and fearless, which was normally a turn on in Newt's book. Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately?) for Newt's junk, she felt like his sister, so there was exactly zero horniness pointed in her direction.
Hermann caught that thought before it could turn even more weird, and thwapped Newt round the back of the head in retaliation. Both of his hands were busy with the baby, but that didn't exactly stop him; he could totally give Newt a kick up the ass with his brain. “Yes, yes she most certainly is. I imagine she'll be worse, now.”
Honestly, Karla was peak scary, like, in general. She would absolutely fight a bitch, no questions asked. “She was already a mama bear, dude. Sure, this one came out of her lady parts, but she's just as scary about Kadie.”
“Ugh!” The face Hermann pulled was spectacular; Newt took a couple more pictures, and got another mental swat for his trouble. “That was a mental image I could have done without, you little shit. Think of something else. Immediately.”
Newt hadn't actually intended to make Hermann think about his sister's crotch in cinematic detail. He had maybe been thinking of just how much he'd seen, when Nessa sort of deposited a screaming baby out of there and right onto him, which had clearly mutated into Karla's lady parts in Hermann's brain.
Okay, so maybe it was a little bit Newt's fault, but also not! He hadn't exactly planned for front row tickets to Kadie's explosive arrival, because people in the front row got wet.
“Oh come on, you've totally seen Karla naked before.” If Hermann hadn't been completely occupied holding the baby, he probably would have strangled Newt. To death. “Hell, Nessa is almost always bareass naked when she wanders round the house, and you don't even notice that.”
It wasn't even a lie; Nessa didn't really wear clothes all that often, when she was just chilling out at home. She normally had something on, but it was hit or miss if any of the socially acceptable bits were on show. Granted, none of them really had time for the gross, stupid rules that normal people insisted on…
Hermann cringed. Poor guy looked (and felt) all squirmy. “Yes! Well- that is to say- benign nakedness is entirely different than- than-!”
Huh, interesting. Newt spared a moment to poke about in the weird, blue space that tied their minds together. There was a lot of emotion flying around, but it was still pretty easy to figure out where the ick was coming from.
“Oooh, I get it. The whole squeezing an entire person out of there deal-y freaks you out, especially when it's your sister.” Hermann wasn't squeamish. He was so far from squeamish, but he was well and truly a dude and the thought of anything being forced out of a too-small downstairs hole made him wibbly. “I got ya.”
“Well quite.” Hermann looked incredibly dignified, for a man with a newborn glommed onto his finger. “I'm hardly alarmed by the sight of the female anatomy, but…”
“But she forced a whole person out of that tiny little hole.” Newt had literally seen Nessa do that, which was crazy. He also knew how it all worked, but that didn't make it any less insane to think about. “Like, biology wise? Super cool. As a regular ass dude? Fucking terrifying. Vulvas are, like, next level crazy.”
Newt had grown up in a dude-only household, but his dad had been on it. He'd put in the work, to make sure Newt grew up into a decent human being, not someone who got weird about junk. Newt had then grown up and met all manner of super awesome, interesting people. Who had or didn't have boobs or whatever never meant shit.
“Why are we still talking about this?!” Hermann had not grown up with an awesome dad. He had, as a matter of fact, had the literal worst sort of shithead as a male role model. Fucking Lars and his antiquated, downright backwards views on gender…
Ugh. It was a fucking miracle that Hermann had turned into a decent human being, and not ended up as a sexist piece of shit instead. Newt gave him a gentle nudge. “Because your sister just did something awesome, and popped four pounds, eight ounces of tiny human mini-me out of he vagina. That's wicked.”
Did Newt sometimes default to being a little shit when he had big, scary emotions and fuck all words to express them? Uh, yeah. Just a lot. Thankfully Hermann didn't really need him to say shit out loud.
“He's absolutely tiny.” It felt nice, right, when Hermann shifted and relaxed, so that most of his weight was resting on Newt's chest. The baby tucked in between them was just- another part of the whole. “Almost exactly half the size of his sister at birth…”
Aw, no. Hermann sounded anxious, which was absolutely not allowed. Newt tucked himself a bit closer, until they were cuddled up together. “Hey, don't freak out. He's good. Little dude passed all his baby tests with flying colours. He's just dinky.”
It wasn't exactly a surprise that Hermann was worried. He'd been a really tiny baby. A tiny, not breathing baby who grew up damaged. “Would they tell us, if something was the matter?”
Oh yeah, that was totally the problem. Hermann had, miracle of miracles, made peace with himself somewhere along the lines. He wasn't constantly consumed with the thought that there was something wrong with him, a defect, but that didn't mean he would wish his pain on someone else.
Newt got it. Even without Hermann in his head, Newt got it. Hell, he'd been super, super hesitant to give Karla his swimmers, because it felt downright cruel to risk making a kid with his issues. “Yeah. No way would the docs have left him with us, if there was something wrong.”
Realistically, if there was something wrong with Jamie? Definitely Newt's fault. There was absolutely a genetic component to his brand of freak, but Karla knew that. Hell, she had her own little neurodiversity sitch on the go, but that was whatever. Hermann wasn't worried about that; dude was worried about the physical issues he'd ended up with when he'd come out ass about face and not breathing.
“It's usually pretty easy to tell, if something's scary wrong with the tinies.” Jamie was little, but he was perfect. Pink, warm, reactive and very fucking vocal. “That's what the APGAR’s for. Little dude got a perfect ten.”
Newt hadn't seen the little guy come out, because he'd been on Kadie-duty, but he'd heard all about it from the group chat. He'd seen the videos, too; Jamie had passed the newborn checks with flying colours and spent the entire time shrieking his displeasure at the world.
Hermann quirked a smile in the warm space between them, his eyes well and truly fixed on the kiddo. “Barely a minute old, and already an overachiever…”
“Exactly!” Newt remembered to sort of keep his voice down, which meant only a small squawk from Jamie's direction. Kid was still busy trying to eat Hermann's finger, but the lack of pissed off wailing probably meant it was a comfort thing, rather than legit hunger. “He's got good genes! I mean, poor little guy has Geiszler genes, which is a bit shit, but odds are he'll grow up smart at least.”
“Hmm, I suppose that could be why he's a little on the diminutive side…”
Oh come on! Fucking low blow. Newt gave Hermann a bit of a poke, because seriously! So rude. “Oi! Stop calling me short, asshole. Just because someone helped make a kid who's a smidge over the average height for her age…”
Kadie wasn't exactly massive, but she was on the higher end of the curve. Even with a nice padding of little kid chunk, she looked leggy. It was pretty much a given that she'd shoot up like a weed at some point.
Hermann laughed at him, probably because he could sense Newt's thought process. Dude always did find it funny when Newt got salty about being short. “In all honesty, I think we can probably credit Vanessa there. I'm hardly what you would class as a tall man.”
Huh, okay. Maybe Newt could forgive Hermann the meany-pants short joke, because he was clearly poking fun at himself as well. Still, better not let him get too comfortable being a giant bitch… “Which implies I'm a legitimate midget. Thanks, man, love you too.”
“Oh hush, you.” Hermann was obviously fighting the urge to smack Newt round the back of the head with his brain again. “I know you have a pathological inability to be in any way ‘average’, but height is hardly a competition.”
Ha! Newt could totally make height into a competition. He could make anything into one, to be honest; he was a competitive sort of guy. He probably would have turned it into a bit of a play fight, if Hermann hadn't been holding a literal baby. “Aww, that's sweet. Backhanded, but I can totally decipher Hermannese! So I know you mean it in a nice way, not a bitch way.”
“You lost control of that though, didn't you?” Hermann sounded so fucking fond. That, combined with the armful of baby that Newt had helped make? Whoa. Next. Level. Newt loved him so fucking much.
“Heh, I totally did.” It happened a lot, to be fair. Hell, it had happened a lot before Newt maybe fried his brain with a psychotic death machine… “Fuck, I really, really hope the kiddo just looks like me…”
The majority of Newt's current issues? Yeah. Those fuckers were his own stupid fault. He had well and truly toasted his poor brain when he tried to use it to fuck a hostile alien hive mind. That didn't really mean that he hadn't been fucked up before, though, and the worry that he'd given the tiny, perfect person in Hermann's arms a big old heaping helping of it…
“There isn't something inherently wrong with you.” Classic Hermann, getting right to the root of the problem. “If Jamie does inherit some of your struggles? Well. A supportive family, one that understands…”
Ugh. Newt maybe snuffled a bit, and tucked his face into the side of Hermann's neck. “Yeah. Yeah, dude, I know. Like, it's different, because this kid is my nephew, not my son… But I guess I can see why my dad and Illia just dropped everything, to look after me.”
Newt had struggled with feeling worth it for as long as he could remember. He'd never really understood why multiple people had been willing to sacrifice everything to raise his horrible baby self, especially when he'd been too tiny to have a personality yet. Looking down at a kid he'd helped make, brand new and still kind of squishy looking? He suddenly got it.
“Blood relation… I don't think it has a great deal to do with family.” It helped, that Hermann understood him without Newt having to explain anything. “These children aren't some eugenics project, despite what my father might have wanted, all those years ago.”
Ew, Lars. Dirty old creeper had been all dead set on breeding Hermann, because sure, his son was a cripple but he could still make smart babies. Smart, pretty babies, if Nessa was the theoretical mom. Gross.
“…just mentioning that fucker’s made me cry…” Clearly it had nothing to do with how perfect Hermann thought Newt was. Nope, not at all. It certainly wasn't in any way related to the itty bitty baby who was perfect, no matter what he grew up into.
Hermann was clearly on to him, because it was Hermann; not only was the dude in Newt's head, but they'd been living all tangled up together for ages. “Hmm, I'm sure that was the reason.”
Newt knocked their heads together. He did it gently, but Hermann would get the message: love you too, man. “I mean… right now I'm kind of picturing his smug shit face when he finds out Newt Fucking Geiszler put a baby in his daughter. Ha! And look at the tiny human! He looks just like me. Oh my god, he's going to have a fucking heart attack!”
A few years ago, before the mind fuck of nightmares, Newt had been pretty sure that Lars couldn't hate him any more than he already did. Then he'd invaded Hermann's mind (with an invite!), married him, and the whole fucking world knew about it. God, the old bastard probably had to take pills, to deal with Newt's little shit presence in his life.
“…as if we'd be so lucky…” Ah, classic Hermann; dry as the desert and wishing death upon his shithead dad. “But you do have a point; there's a particular cruel irony, that the latest Gottlieb to arrive looks stunningly like a certain little shit that my father can't stand.”
Oh man, that was such a good point. Every single person ever was going to take one look at Jamie Gottlieb and think huh, Newt Geiszler helped make that kiddo. People would probably ask Lars about it, and guess what? Newt and Hermann were super famous world savers, so the miserable old prick would have to sound pleased.
“Eh, feeling’s mutual, dude.” Thankfully, Newt didn't have to fake respect for Doctor Deathwall. He could, in fact, be ruthlessly mean about the guy any time he fancied. Being a rockstar was awesome like that, and Lars had been, like, instrumental in nearly ending the world. “I really, really wish I'd sucker punched that shithead right in the face the last time we saw him…”
Man, that would have felt good. Newt had absolutely had a still a little bit broken arm at the time, and probably would have fucked himself right up, but god it would have been worth it. The only thing better than witnessing Lars get laid out by an absolutely perfect right hook would have been punching the fucker himself.
Of course, Hermann had to spoil his fun. He pretty much laughed in Newt's fucking face.
“You can't throw a punch to save your life. I'm bloody glad Karla got there first; you would have broken your damn fool hand…”