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For what it was, Riley believed she knew how to cook fairly well.
Ever since she had taken an interest, her parents had lovingly driven her out of her comfort zone with the skill – and despite previous lackluster attempts that had ended up with them all contracting a mild case of food poisoning, they never took over Riley’s attempts to experiment with dishes. Tonight was supposed to be no different.
Tonight, however, both her parents were out late.
Her dad’s business, which had been growing steadily for the past years they’d spent in San Francisco, had blown up exponentially. Despite the amount of hands on the job, it wasn’t nearly enough, so her mom would go and help out when she could – typically once driving Riley to and from school.
She’d lack conversations with her mom, who looked like she had better days; she noticed her eye bags were worsening at a quicker rate. Things were similar with her dad, who only had enough energy to happily mutter a “good morning” if she woke up early enough. Otherwise, they hadn’t communicated much with Riley at all – she missed how things had been.
Nights where Riley had gone to sleep in a lone house had been growing uncommon. She also noticed nights where her parents ate suspicious takeout were not unheard of either.
So, on her own, Riley Andersen decided to leave her parents something to eat.
While her humility reminded her of her lack of talent to be seen on TV, she was okay at the basics. She could bake, fry, and turn on the stove without any relative struggle. For what it was, she was skilled enough.
However, her kryptonite, even as a fully grown 16 year old, was cutting vegetables.
It's not like she couldn't – she could pull out a cutting board. But, if it went any further than that, the kitchen counter was bound to end up like a crime scene. In her most recent attempt, juice ended up splattered all over the board, counter, and close knit crevices she didn't even notice until cleaning day. The vegetables never seemed to turn out the right shape either; always in odd, uneven, unappealing figures.
Knowing how anxious she was of her peers’ opinions, she never revealed it to anyone – voluntarily, at least. It only came as a slap on the face that same hour when she accidentally blurted out her secret on call with her girlfriend.
Val was off at college in San Diego. The girl would come home and visit Riley during breaks – including when they celebrated each other’s birthdays. They always tried to make the best out of their distance with daily texts and the occasional voice call – until recently.
The effort Val placed into planning their conversations gave Riley a sense of comfort -- Val was her person, regardless of the time when they weren't dating. She helped her feel less lonely. And while she disliked to admit it, she was scared of staying home alone as often as she was.
As always, Val eventually caught on, exchanging her every-once-in-a-while calls with regular ones. She’d comfortably keep Riley company while she did her own thing.
What Val didn’t know was that a lot of details were left out of the picture.
Riley didn’t want to intrude, she knew full well her girlfriend didn’t have a lot of free time. And when she thought of it clearly enough, it was insignificant in the long run – issues she could and had to come to terms with on her own. She had to accept it because neither really had a valid solution.
Despite the presence of Bree, Grace, and both new and older Firehawk recruits, she felt lonely. She missed her parents, and the presence of her girl. Every little inconvenience kept piling up onto her mountain of stress.
But, Val always made sure to at least hear her out on her small stories, and, for a while, it helped.
So, when Riley muttered a quiet sentence of not knowing how to cut lettuce, Val was quick to action.
Her voice steady, the smile plastered on her face could be heard through the line as Val tried to get her girlfriend on video. "C'mon Riles, it won't take too long, I promise. It'll be less than 5 minutes!"
Riley, having put her knife down hesitantly, stared at the blank screen, "I don't know Val.."
She couldn't help but feel embarrassed for her shortcoming; in truth it really didn't seem that difficult. Yet, there were a lot of things she couldn't do. Nevertheless, she tried to push the uncertainty down.
"Please?"
Riley hated that she could almost sense the slight tilt of Val’s head; it was part of the small, endearing, mannerisms she had grown accustomed to seeing when the Latina spoke.
Silence cut through the call line as Riley rationalized with herself; she tried to think of all the good that had come with the girl. It was Val for God's sake – she had always confided in her since Freshman year of training camp.
Val was the one who carried Riley’s worries with her, lifting the pressure off of her and always trying to help out. She always gave her a shoulder to lean on – physically and mentally. Now that they were dating, she concluded it was a no-brainer to accept the help.
Riley had caved in, unsurprisingly. She learned over time that she could never really put her foot down when it came to Val. Not ‘cause Val was forceful, but because she added a certain charm to her words.
Exhaling, she felt the flush on her face as she reached for her phone on the counter, "Yeah okay.. let me turn on the camera."
Quickly sending the FaceTime request, a ping of regret coursed through Riley. As much as she tried to forget about it, the embarrassment of her situation still lingered in the back of her head. She could've easily looked it up herself online, in fact, there were several other possibilities before accepting Val's help.
And yet, all her worries were thrown out as soon as the video call was accepted.
Val looked as beautiful as ever once she appeared on screen. While her low pixelated camera slightly degraded the sight, Riley's breath hitched.
She noticed the red of Val’s streak had faded – as it had consistently for the past couple months – likely due to how busy she was running around and forgetting to make a toner appointment. She had cut her hair too, a funny late night decision that had let it to barely reaching past her shoulders now.
The college experience blogs she had read about online were wrong, ever since Val got admitted, it only seemed like her glow intensified. Six months together, and Riley still couldn’t believe she was her girlfriend.
Shaking the thought out of her head, she quickly positioned her phone inside the neckline of her shirt, allowing the camera to peep out.
Any outsider would have laughed at the sight of Riley awkwardly positioning herself over the counter; but, as long as it was just her and Val, she didn’t mind. Or at least, didn’t completely mind – as long as things didn’t go downhill.
Shuffling the device one last time, Riley nervously retrieved the knife once more as she grabbed the iceberg lettuce with her left hand. “Er– can you see it?”
Val smiled through the screen, “Yeah. Okay, so, what shape do you want it?”
It took a second before Riley thought of the dish she was going to make – shell tacos. “Square.. rectangle shape.”
Nodding, sat on her dorm chair, Val hummed, “Okay, you’re gonna want to cut the core off first. The bottom white part of what you got.”
Riley felt a feeling of despair strike – something in her head told her she’d be doomed after the first instruction, as irrational as that was.
It was bad enough that she was already dealing with the solitude of her situation, but the fear and anxiousness of doing something wrong just mixed her into feeling like she just needed a damn hug. She didn’t like being alone, she wanted Val.
But she owed it to herself – to not feel fragile. At the very least, she should be able to follow her instructions without making herself look like a fool.
Nervously, she grabbed and positioned her knife – it was the type with an exaggeratedly long blade, long and flat. only to be immediately halted by a gasp on the other line. While she couldn’t directly see her girlfriend’s face with the screen facing on her neck, she easily envisioned Val’s eyes, wide of surprise.
“Riley, honey, that’s not the kind of knife you need.”
—--------------------------------------------------
Riley clenched her right hand, closing her eyes shut – of course she had failed before the first step even started. She put the knife down on the counter, making note to rinse it later.
Val spoke, breaking her girlfriend’s momentary spiral, “Riley.. you know it’s okay right?” A small chuckle escaped her as she continued, “I think it’s kinda cute. Has me help you for a little longer”
A puff of air leaving her, Riley blushed. She was so glad Val couldn’t see her face, but she still felt so fucking stupid, “I’m sorry, I just feel kind of stupid for not knowing that, you know? I mean– you’ve seen me cook before– I’m not bad, it’s just–!”
Val interjected, “Hey, hey, babe, it’s okay I promise. I’m not judging you or your skills whatsoever.”
Riley felt her heart in her throat. The last thing she wanted to do was make a huge scene out of nothing. She held a thumbs up in front of the camera to reassure her girlfriend– and try to do so for herself.
In all honesty, she hated how much of a mess she could be. She’d always instantly freak out at the slightest mistake. No normal person would do that – or at least not publicly. Not only did it worsen with the absence of her parents, it seemed to have gone below that with Val off hours away from her too.
She had gotten used to the physical comfort the girl had brought, especially once she had started dating her. She remembered how much she loved how warm Val felt – the feeling she gave her. She always felt completely safe with Val.
Reflecting on it now, she never realized how bad her anxiety had gotten – or how it had even started to begin with. There was no particular reason; she had always been a relatively happy kid, having a fair amount of friends, and even a best friend, back in Minnesota that she always felt she could trust. She couldn’t exclude her parents either, they were single handedly the best parents she could’ve asked for. They were always there for her, listening and comprehending her thoughts. They were always so supportive.
She felt her heart race, maybe she always had something wrong? There was the time she had tried to run away back to Minnesota when she first got to San Francisco, which she still can’t wrap her head around how she thought it was a good idea.
Then again, she was never much for good ideas either. She’d always mess it up somehow, her emotions getting the best of her, no matter how old she’d gotten. For hell's sake she had even checked through Coach Robert’s notebook when she was afraid of not getting in the team. God, she can’t be left with her own thoughts or else she’s a fucking idiot–
“...Riley?” The soft voice of her girlfriend cut through her thoughts yet again. This time, she could pick up a hint of concern from her tone.
Riley tried to compose herself, she hadn’t noticed the beads of sweat forming on her forehead until she was snapped out of her thoughts. She leaned her hands against the kitchen counter and, for a second, hoped her phone wouldn’t fall off of her neck. “Yeah?”
Val exhaled, a rustling noise taking over the line. Riley raised an eyebrow, confused as to what she was doing.
A thud came through – she had propped her phone on her desk. “Prop your phone too Riles.”
Riley noticed the change of tone. She could tell she wasn’t mad, but the voice in the back of her head told her to panic. Pushing the thought down, she nearly dropped her device as she placed it against a roll of paper towels.
“You zoned out for a minute, everything okay?” Val asked with genuine concern. Her eyes creased, a lopsided smile following along. “I know it’s hard with the distance and all, but I’m here to listen. I promise I’m just as good as I was over there.”
Riley felt her heart beat go through the roof. “I’m sorry– I just don’t know what’s going on with me these days.” Her final word cracked, the mountain of emotions piling down on her as she tried to contain herself. She wasn’t necessarily going to cry, but she just needed someone there to stay with her to prevent that – and she knew Val
would
. She always would.
Val stared at her intently, her dark eyes seemingly observing her features, and then going up to make eye contact with her. They remained like that – just like that – for what felt like minutes.
Val’s face relaxed. “I love you. I hope you know that.” She continued, “If you don’t want to tell me in detail, that’s okay with me.” She raised her shoulders, her hands opening up into an exaggerated shrug, "IIII just want to know it’s not a situation where I need to knock someone’s teeth out.”
Riley chuckled; she always loved how Val was able to make her laugh. Her mood brightened, but she felt like she had to at least mention a bit of her emotions, “It’s not, it just.. feels so lonely here Val.”
Val tilted her head, “Do you want to elaborate?”
Riley sighed, “I.. I don’t know how to describe it. It just is.” She flared her hands around, “I’m struggling over here Val. I know it’s stupid, but is it actually possible to feel alone without actually being alone? I miss my parents, I miss you.”
Val ran a hand through her hair, a hint of pink brushing across her cheeks, “Gosh Riley– if I was still up there I would’ve grabbed you and given you the biggest hug.”
Feeling slightly humorous, Riley smirked, “And no kiss? Wow Valentina.”
Val brightened slightly at the remark, “Well, that’s always what happens when I’m with you. Glad to know you missed my lips honey.”
Riley scoffed, “Don’t give yourself too much credit.”
Another wave of despair came across her. Riley bit her lip, playing with her fingers against the counter she still leaned against. “Val?”
Val looked up at her again, her smile slightly faltering, “Yeah?”
“I think I need help again.”
Val’s eyebrows scrunched, a slightly pained expression washing over her features. She looked at the pencil holder on the side of her desk as she spoke, “Yeah. I’m always here for you.”
Riley lightly scratched her fingernails. “Val?”
“Yeah?”
Riley looked at Val through the screen, “I love you.”
Val gave a soft smile in return, “I love you too.”