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Wounds that Never Heal
Today had been a totally unremarkable day so far. Thor had attended a meeting about the state of New Asgard, but it went without incident. There was relatively little on his list of kingly duties. He had attended the meeting, set up the farmers market, and settled a few petty neighborhood disputes, which completed the planned tasks of the day. This meant he could spend time at home. Time he spent taking care of laundry, tidying his bedroom (which he and Loki shared, despite Loki having his own room), finally organizing his closet, and, now, preparing dinner.
Loki stayed in their shared home most of the time. He’d been stuck in his bedroom mixing potions to get ahead of flu season. Thor hadn’t seen him much lately, which wasn’t particularly unusual. His only worry centered around his brother’s wellbeing. Loki developed a tendency to overwork long ago, only worsened by his settling in on New Asgard. Thor suspected it had to do with a desire for redemption.
Pride warmed his heart as he thought about it. After revival via the second snap, Loki continued on the right path. He worked hard daily to use his powers to help their people. Whether someone needed healing, events planned, spells cast, or had any use for a silver tongue (Thor took him with him for council meetings; his brother’s innate tact far succeeded his own), his brother handled it. He’d fulfilled his prince duties consistently. Which, admittedly, consisted of helping people, but mostly doing paperwork. Loki had come a long way. He was less unpredictable and more open to communication (though still difficult, it wouldn’t be him without that, Thor thought affectionately). Overall he seemed more at ease, softer, even.
Thor turned his attention back to the vegetables he was chopping. Best to do that before he sliced a finger off on accident. He relaxed into the rhythm of the work, letting his practiced hands finish the task. The sound of the knife against the board drowned out his other thoughts.
After dicing the last of the carrots, he fished out the rest of what he needed from the fridge. They didn’t have much counter space, so some of it had to go on the kitchen table. He checked the time. Best to start now. He pulled a pot down from the cabinets and set it on the stove. Idly, he clicked the heat on, and set the broth to a simmer.
Following his mental recipe, Thor felt his mind wander again. He’d been making an effort to spend more time with his brother whenever possible. Maybe tonight would be a good night for that? Today hasn’t been too terribly busy. But what to do…
Coaxing Loki to do anything he didn’t like was near impossible. This changed in times of crisis. But this was no crisis. It didn’t help that Father had hated any of his hobbies, a thing Thor realized recently. Father would sometimes go as far as banning them, like he did with theater. It made it hard to pick something he’d enjoy. He’d always loved stories—
That’s it! Maybe I can treat him to a Midguardian movie night! Movies were foreign to both of them. Honestly, most of the technology on Midguard was. Regardless of how Loki complained every prior time they’d watched movies together, something about how Thor ‘always ate all the popcorn, slept the entire time, and hogged his personal space’ (ie falling asleep on his shoulder), he’d never rejected it. In fact, he always agreed. Enjoyed it most likely. He was the God of Stories anyways.
But what to watch specifically? The Avengers lent them some ‘DVDs’ or there was cable. Maybe I let him decide? Usually we go with whatever’s on TV at that time. This led to them watching some apparently very strange films. Not that Thor would know, except that Loki had told him. The best part of this new Loki was hearing his passion again. When they’d watch something, he’d tell him all about his opinions on the narrative and writing and whatever else struck his fancy. Even when Thor didn’t understand, he loved seeing the animated expression on his brother’s face as he spoke. Apparently there’s also something called ‘streaming’ now. Or ‘streaming services.’ The Man of Spiders said they have movies of all kinds. And something about bad business practices in this economy?
Before he could wonder what streams had to do with movies, a soft, steady sound met his ears. He turned to meet his brother, who had made his way smoothly down the stairs. Thor greeted him, “Good afternoon, brother. Have you finished with the tonics?”
“Mmm. They’ll be done by tomorrow.” Loki stretched his arms out, yawning. “They just need time to settle.”
“That’s good. We should be plenty ahead of schedule then. Thank you!”
Loki let out a sigh, some indistinguishable emotion behind it. He leaned casually against the open doorway into the kitchen. “How about you, brother? Finished with your kingly duties of the day?”
“Yes, today wasn’t too bad.”
“What’re you making now?”
“Oh, right!” Thor turned fully back to the stove, watching his brother out of the corner of his eye. No damage done by his momentary negligence. “Do you remember the stew Mother made when we were ill?”
“Yes. I do.”
“I’m attempting to recreate it. Neither of us have the recipe, and I’m not sure if Midguard’s ingredients work best, but I thought it would be good to try.”
“Oh.” His voice sounded too quiet. Thor looked over to his brother’s eyes. There was surprise, sure, but also something more vulnerable.
“It should be ready by dinner time if you’d like to have some.”
“I would. Thank you, brother.”
“You’re welcome.” Thor smiled. “I’m sorry if it doesn’t turn out exactly right.”
“N-no, don’t worry about it.” His brother let out another yawn. He’s been working too hard again.
“So if you’re done with your tasks for today, do you want to watch a movie with me tonight?”
Loki raised an eyebrow. “Desperate for a nap, dear brother?”
Thor rolled his eyes, not taking the bait. He could see it coming from miles away.
“I suppose it would be an acceptable change of pace.”
Thor mentally cheered in his head. Victory achieved! With minimal pain! His silent celebration was cut off by coughing. Immediately he looked over to his brother, whose pale face was constricted by the awful coughs. “Loki, are you okay?”
“Perfectly fine.”
Loki cleared his throat. There was a wetness to the sound. That’s not good. How had he not noticed his own brother was sick? No wonder he seemed tired. At least he’s just made medicine. He’ll be able to take something tomorrow.
His mind went blank as his brother went into a coughing fit, doubling over as if in pain. Thor turned the burner off. His hands hovered uselessly at his sides, unsure what to do. Loki caught his breath for a moment. He reached a hand up to his mouth, wiping something away, eyes flashing in recognition. Thor saw what it looked like before his brother got rid of the evidence by transferring it to his pants. Why was it black? Is that blood? What in the Nine is happening right now?
Now verging on complete panic, Thor jerkily moved to stand in front of his brother, grasping his shoulder. In turn, Loki mumbled something incoherent. Black liquid dripped from his mouth. He hadn’t registered the sudden touch, gaze unsteady and unfocused.
Another coughing fit struck him. They both watched, frozen, as more viscous fluid puddled on the floor. Thor watched in muted horror as his little brother choked up more of… whatever this is. Loki’s vacant eyes met his own for a moment, widening in pure terror when their gazes met, before he nearly collapsed into his own blood strewn on the floor. Thor caught him. He noticed something dark out of the corner of his eyes. More of that foul liquid staining Loki’s shirt. He pulled his brother’s sweater up, and there it was. The hideous black scar across his chest. The same one that had taken his life. It looked fresh, glistening against his skin, bleeding, though it had been there for years. It should’ve healed by now.
Without any hesitation, Thor scooped up his brother, taking care not to jostle him too much. He carried him over to the teleportation sigil carved into the dirt outside. They made the jump to the Avengers HQ, and Thor ran inside, a frantic dash to the med bay. He noticed very little of his surroundings as he went. He’d probably passed by people, or FRIDAY had announced his arrival and destination, none of that mattered right now. The only thing that mattered was his brother.
He placed him on the first available bed in the med bay. People rushed around them. Their words were muffled, their actions blurred. Thor kept his eyes on his brother’s face. Black fluid dripped from his mouth, dark bags lay under his eyes, his skin a shade greyer than normal. Grey. Desaturated. Dead.
Just like when he— When he— I can’t. I can’t do this again. Thor shook his head, trying to rid himself of the imagery. His brother, skin grey, hands cold, colder than normal, the shine leaving his eyes… Brother, please. I can’t lose you again. Not when I just got you back.
His hand clutched his brother’s desperately. There was still a pulse beating in his wrist. He was alive. Alive. Something coiled around Thor’s heart, an unbearable pressure. It wasn’t relief. Not even close to it.
The people milling about around them worked in a flurry of hands and equipment. It all fizzled out into an incoherent mess in his head. Awake the entire time, though the events were spotty and incomplete. His hand stayed firmly on his brother’s. His eyes never left his face, as the world turned into incomprehensible visual noise around them.
Someone placed a hand on his shoulder. He didn’t move, frozen in place, silent. A voice called his name. The hand shook him insistently. Thor unfroze, using his free hand to restrain the one on his shoulder, the surroundings snapped into focus.
“What do you want?”
“Thor, it’s just me. It’s Bruce.”
Thor blinked in surprise. He tore his gaze away from his brother. Indeed, Bruce Banner sat next to him, having pulled a chair next to his. Thor released Bruce’s wrist.
“Do you know what’s wrong? Is he going to be okay?”
Bruce nervously picked at his nails. “We don’t know what’s happening. I’ve never seen anything like this before. We suspect it might be cursed or something.”
He cleared his throat, and then went on, “It caused internal bleeding, as well as external, which we were able to stop. So his condition should be stabilized. Don’t hesitate to call us if anything changes.”
The coil in Thor’s chest finally loosened. “I thought I’d lost him again.”
“You know, I don’t think anyone has clung to life like he has.” Bruce put a hesitant hand on his shoulder to comfort his friend. “Besides, we will always be here to help patch you guys up.”
“I know. Thank you.”
“I’ll leave you two here for now. When he wakes up, you could ask if he knows anything about…” He made a vague gesture with his hand. “This.”
Thor nodded. “I will.”
Bruce left the room. Thor looked back at his brother. Somehow the doctors had managed to change him into a hospital gown without him noticing. Loki’s eyes were closed, skin slightly less grey. He looked exhausted. Thor brought his free hand to join his other, clasped around Loki’s hand. Absently, he traced a thumb up and down his wrist, catching slightly on his scars, left behind by chains, most likely. His glamour is down, Thor realized. Though he was still in his Aesir form, each mark stood out against his grey skin. He’d seen them before. That wasn’t what shook him. He almost never lets the glamour down. Only when he’s very sick, or in the exceedingly rare chance he confides in me. I really did almost lose him. I have lost him before. How didn’t I see this coming?
He felt completely useless. There was nothing more he could do. The scum who killed his brother was already dead, not that revenge would help him regardless. He’d brought his brother to safety. They’d taken care of him. There was nothing more Thor could do. Nothing more than waiting.
And so, he waited.
“B-brother?” A hesitant voice snapped Thor back into consciousness. He had no idea when he’d drifted asleep. How long has it been? Hours? Days? Minutes? How could I let myself do that right now? I need to protect my brother.
“Thor.” The voice called again, more insistently.
“Loki? Are you awake?”
“Mhm.” Thor flung his arms around his brother’s shoulder, trying not to agitate his wounds in the process. He was cool to the touch, but far warmer than he had been. Much closer to his normal. Thor let out a sigh of relief. Loki felt tense beneath him, shivering slightly. He doesn’t want to be touched right now. Of course. Mentally slapping himself, he released him. Loki surprised him by weakly lifting his arms to secure Thor in place, his hands grasped at the back of his shirt. Thor leaned back in to give him a proper hug.
Finally, Thor felt Loki ease under him, reveling in the fact that his little brother survived. Cool breath against his neck, the gentle rise and fall of his chest… unmistakable signs of life. He ran a hand through Loki’s hair. His brother whimpered, and buried his face in his shoulder, right next to his heart. He lost himself in the repetitive motion, combing the knots out of his hair.
They stayed like that for a while. Thor gently pulled away from him, only far enough to see his face. Loki’s sleepy red eyes glistened with life and his grey skin had saturated into blue. He must’ve changed form to heal faster. Thor tugged him back, so their foreheads rested against each other. He tried to convey everything he felt through the gesture. I’m so glad you’re alive. I feared for your life, brother. I love you.
Loki remained there for a moment, before leaning back into his pillow. He glanced around, taking in their surroundings. Confusion laced his voice, “Brother? Where are we?”
Thor clasped his hand. “The HQ med bay. More importantly, what happened?”
“What… happened…?” Loki flicked his eyes down, flinching at the sight of his blue skin. The black scar was visible through the opening in the hospital gown. Absently, Loki fiddled with the seam, almost looking embarrassed. “I guess I just lost track of things. Usually it’s not this bad—”
“This has happened before?!”
He sighed. “Yeah. It has.”
“Loki…”
“Ever since, well, this.” He pointed to the wound. “It flares up occasionally. It doesn’t happen very often, but usually I’m able to sense it coming. You know, prevent it from getting this bad.”
Thor chewed on that for a minute. His brother had suffered for so long, from the same fatal injury, unwilling to ask for help. He’d always hidden his ailments. He suspected his brother’s willingness to share now was due to him witnessing it. There’s no point in hiding it if I know. But why hasn’t he done anything to stop it yet? “Brother, why is it still hurting you?”
“…I don’t know.”
“What?” Loki was a master of seidr, of potions and poisons alike, and of research. How could he not know?
“I don’t know,” Loki admitted, the sound raspy. “If I did, I’d have taken care of it already. That knowledge died with Kurse. It could’ve been anything, maybe a reminder from fate. With something like this, it’s best to not experiment.”
“Yeah. Yeah, you’re right.” Thor squeezed his brother’s hand. “We will figure it out, I promise. I even know some people who might be able to help.”
Loki laughed. “Of course you do.”
“How’re you feeling now?”
Loki rolled his eyes. “So worried about a monster?”
“No, Loki.” Thor softened his voice. “Worried about my brother.”
Loki scoffed, his eyes pointedly aimed to the side. Thor pressed a kiss to his forehead. As he leaned back, he ruffled his hair affectionately. Thor smiled, a gentle curve of the corners of his mouth. “Loki, don’t talk about my brother like that.”
He hadn’t always been there for Loki, too arrogant to have done the right thing, said what he needed to hear, or noticed what was wrong. He was here for him now. In a way, he always was. He’d always loved his brother. And he will continue to do so as long as his heart dances a rhythmic beat in his chest.
He just needed to convince him of that.
“Hey, Thor.”
“Yeah?”
“Still up for that movie? The HQ seems to have graciously provided us with a TV on that wall.”
“Really?”
Loki shifted to the side of the bed, patting the newly empty space. A space that didn’t stay empty for long. Thor plopped down next to his brother, throwing an arm around his shoulders. “It’s a shame we don’t have popcorn.”
His brother chuckled. “Yes, I suppose you’ll have to make do without. It’s not like I ever get any.”
Thor laughed at that, surprised. He must be feeling better if he’s sassing me. “And yet you still agreed to watch one with me.”
Loki sighed. “It’s never been about that, you oaf.”
“I love you too, brother.”
Thor made himself comfortable as Loki figured out how to use the remote. He selected the first channel with a movie that just started, tradition at this point. As the opening sequence played, Loki whispered, “I’m sorry about the soup. I was looking forward to it.”
“No need to apologize. I can finish it when you’re feeling good enough to go home.”
“Thank you.” The noise was almost inaudible.
“Of course.”
Loki noticed when Bruce stopped by to check in on them. His brother was sound asleep on his shoulder, snoring muffled by his arm. Loki had healed enough to slip back into his Aesir form, a blessing and a curse, since his healing would now be slowed. At least he felt more comfortable.
Bruce gave a small wave. Loki placed a finger to gesture he should be silent. Not that any noise would wake his brother, but he didn’t feel like risking it. Bruce silently asked with a gesture if he was okay. Loki nodded. The doctor tapped near the call button to remind him to use it if he felt like it, and then left with a sharp turn on his heel.
He didn’t like the way it felt. Being cared for, with love and kindness. But, just the two of them alone, only him awake, it’s not like anything would happen if he indulged himself now. He could pretend a while longer. Stuck inside the daydream where a monster like him deserved this moment. Where he could say without hesitation that he was worthy of his brother.
Lies were easier. He could fool himself into staying here for more time. And so, he curled up into his brother’s embrace, letting himself drift into an empty state, staring at the screen with vacant eyes. Tomorrow would be the time for them to figure out how to stop this wound from killing him. Again. Tomorrow would be the time to wake up from this daydream… one he never wanted to leave.
Loki pressed a kiss to his brother’s forehead, returning the gesture from earlier. Softly, he said, “I love you, brother.”
And with that he released his shaky grasp on consciousness, falling asleep.
They never did get to watch that movie, but there would always be other opportunities.