Chapter Text
Lucifer woke up to see a bright red duck looking at him suspiciously.
He was standing on his chest, the tips of his feathers tipped with black. A monocle rested over his left eye.
“Lucifer.” Alastor said.
“Hello.”
“What have you done?”
Lucifer yawned, turning over to his side and shutting his eyes again. He heard a disgruntled quack and ruffling of feathers as his partner was forced to resituate.
“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“I’m a duck .”
“Mhm.”
“LUCIFER.”
“You make a very cute duck.” Lucifer said, opening his eyes to an upside-down annoyed bird. Alastor had poked his head over the side of Lucifer’s body.
His partner blinked.
“Thanks.” He said, seeming honored for a moment before he shook himself. “I mean-CHANGE ME BACK THIS INSTANT, SWINE.” He shouted, letting out an angry quack.
“Goodness, someone’s getting a big head.” Lucifer grumbled.
“I’m your king, I’d say my head is the perfect size.” Alastor said proudly.
“Not ye-” Lucifer suddenly realized something and his eyes widened. “Ah fuck. ”
“What?” Alastor asked, seeming alarmed.
“We’re getting married today.”
Alastor raised an eyebrow, crossing his wings disapprovingly.
“I do not like that exclamation in relation to marrying me.” He said pointedly.
“No I don’t mean that. ” Lucifer said, sitting up with a groan and picking Alastor up, setting him on his lap. Alastor frowned up at him. “You woke up like this?”
“...Yes?” His partner asked, seeming confused.
Lucifer rubbed a hand down his face.
“ Damn it.” He hissed.
“Wait, are you saying you didn’t do this?” Alastor was panicking a little now. “Am I stuck? Am I going to marry you as a bird ?”
“I didn’t do it.” Lucifer said, tapping a finger to Alastor’s beak. “You did.”
His partner stared at him, brow furrowed.
“I…do not compute.”
“Your powers kicked in, congratulations!” Lucifer said with a sigh, giving his emotional support duck a pat. “I’m a little surprised this was your first form, but that’s just the way it goes I suppose-”
“I’m a shapeshifter?! ” Alastor interrupted excitedly.
“A very inconvenient shapeshifter.” Lucifer corrected.
“Can I be anything?” He asked, seeming entirely unashamed.
Lucifer shrugged unhelpfully, and his partner gave him a little bite with his beak. Lucifer winced-were his teeth still sharp?
“Ow!”
“Tell me what’s going on!”
“Fine. Y’know the powers I told you about when we got engaged?”
“The ones you’ve been frustratingly vague about?”
“I had to! I had no idea how my powers would translate to you! You could be restricted to duck form, you could get a few, you could become a dragon next week, I don’t know!”
“What about Lilith?” Alastor asked curiously.
“She got my persuasion.” Lucifer said with a shrug. “But you’re much more powerful than she was when we got married-”
“Damn right.” His partner said with a proud nod.
“-So it’d make sense if you got a few more.”
“Fuck yeah.” Alastor said with a formal nod. “So how do I get out of stupid pigeon and into dragon exactly?”
“See that’s where the problem is.”
“Elaborate.” His partner ordered.
“This sort of thing takes time and training to control.” Lucifer continued. “I remember when I first transformed I was stuck for a day or two.”
“But I have a master, so I should be fine.” He said with a dismissive wave of a wing.
“You’re much more confident in my abilities than I am.” Lucifer said with a fond sigh. “But the thing about my powers is that they’re very connected to emotion.”
“Yes yes, so are mine.”
“And today is your wedding day. ”
Alastor’s face suddenly moved to pure dread as he understood.
“Oh…dear.”
And suddenly there was an anxious fully formed buck on Lucifer’s lap.
Lucifer grunted, entirely squished.
“Okay-puns-we’ll keep that in mind- oof .”
Alastor looked back at him.
“Do we need to postpone?” He asked, ears twitching in concern. “ Can we postpone?”
“I-I dunno-” Lucifer shoved him off, and breathed a sigh of relief. “I’m not really sure. I think it might be for the best. You can’t really rush this sort of thing. Took me years-”
Alastor hopped off the bed and began pacing, hooves tapping the floor. Ugh, that was definitely going to scuff, ah well.
“No, no it’ll be fine.” He said decisively. “We can figure this stuff out, I can get everything together-” He turned his head to look at Lucifer. “I’ll be fi- ”
He fell through a portal thrumming with red crackling energy.
Sighing, Lucifer got up and stretched, following his dear partner through his own portal. Alastor would have to start looking where he was going.
He emerged a few feet above the ground in Wrath.
“Oh look! You can go to all the rings now!” Lucifer said as he hopped down beside a sprawled-out Alastor, using his own magic to pick the deer back up.
Alastor still seemed shaky, looking around in confusion.
Lucifer patted him comfortingly.
“Guess you won’t need me anymore, now that you’re all cool on your own.” He said with a dramatic sigh.
His partner suddenly seemed more excited.
“Do I get to fly?”
“I sure hope not!” Lucifer said, the image of a cackling Alastor dropping shadow creatures on everyone’s heads flashing through his head.
“Goodness, why do you have to clip my wings, hm?” Alastor asked slyly, giving him a sharp-toothed grin.
“I’d be too jealous!”
Alastor suddenly let out an excited bugle, and Lucifer jumped in surprise.
“
What
?” Lucifer asked frantically, looking around.
“I can finally beat you in tag!” He said excitedly, turning to face him and leaning down like a dog that wanted to play.
“I suppose this does even the playing field.” Lucifer agreed, turning into his deer form as well and mimicking the stance.
“OnetwothreeGO!” Alastor said as quickly as he could, and they were off like a shot, bounding over lava-filled rivers and steaming geysers. Wrath was a very safe place to frolic, don’t worry.
Lucifer was running towards a flowing river, skipping over cracks in the magma, when he realized they had gotten entirely off track. Blinking, he stopped, turning back-and was hit with an Alastor at full speed.
“OOF.” He declared, falling backwards as Alastor cackled, tackling him once again in human form. Lucifer grinned down at him, bapping him with one hoof. “Awww.”
“I know, I'm adorable when I beat your ass.” His partner said with a knowing nod.
Lucifer snorted
“Nah, you just reverted back. Means you calmed down.”
“Ah.”
“Though you have beat me up a lot today.”
“That’s a good sign, isn’t it?”
“Yup. We’re super ready for marriage.”
At that, Alastor changed forms again, switching to alligator.
“OOOOF.” Lucifer complained as he winced at the weight.
“Stop whining.” His partner rolled his eyes, slapping his tail down in annoyance.
“I am suffocating. ”
“You’re dramatic.”
Lucifer suddenly frowned, realizing what had made him change in the first place.
“...How are you feeling about all of this?”
“Fine.” Alastor said curtly. “So how do I fix it?”
“Well you can start by getting off me.” Lucifer began, deciding to drop it until he was a human again. This was stressful enough for him without Lucifer interrogating him.
Alastor obeyed, sitting and looking up at him. Lucifer changed back to his regular form, shaking himself a little.
“Okay, so you’re going to want to find an anchor.”
“We’re in Wrath. There’s no ships here.”
“Don’t be disrespectful, young man.” Lucifer scolded.
“Yes sir.” He said with a toothy grin.
“An anchor is something that makes you feel most human, most you .” Lucifer told him. “So I’ll think of apples or Charlie or something like that.”
“Radio.” Alastor said without hesitation.
Lucifer snapped his fingers.
“Yup, that’s what I was thinking. So think of radio, just see if it works.”
Alastor the alligator(gosh, that sounds like a children’s book. Lucifer needs to write that immediately.) closed his eyes, taking a breath for a beat.
Lucifer sat beside him, humming as he looked out over the wrecked, flaming landscape. How peaceful.
A moment later, a normal Alastor was sitting beside him.
“Well, that was easy.” He observed.
Lucifer grinned.
“You’re a natural. So are you ready to go bac-”
“What else can I do?” Alastor interrupted, eyes shining. He pointed at a nearby lava rock. “EXPLOSION.”
Lucifer blinked at his partner.
“Did you just… say explosion?” He asked him, trying not to laugh.
“No, you’re imagining things.” Alastor said dismissively. “BOOM. BANG. ABRACADABRA.”
“You know, some people would be satisfied with just a shapeshifting power.” Lucifer mentioned, leaning back on his hands. The rock had still not been affected.
“POOF.” Alastor said, waving his hands. “DEBRIS.”
Lucifer snorted.
“Wow, I’m so immpres-”
Alastor stood to his feet and pointed at the rock aggressively, the magma around them bubbling.
“ I COMMAND YOU IN THE NAME OF LUCIFER MORNINGSTAR TO EXPLODE .” He boomed, a demonic filter glazing over his radio tone.
…
“Ah, fuck.” Lucifer said, spreading his wings and shielding Alastor as the rock burst into a million pieces, accompanied by a blast of radio static.
Lucifer winced as flaming stones hit his wings.
“OW.” He told Alastor accusingly underneath the tent of feathers.
“It worked!” His partner said excitedly, popping his head out and looking in wonder at the scorched mark where the rock used to be.
“Yep.” Lucifer said unenthusiastically.
They stood in silence for a moment.
Then Alastor cleared his throat.
“So…do you think that would work on Vox?”
Asmodeous was seriously doubting the use of phones. He might start to take the Alastor approach to technology if this kept up.
“FIZZ. WHAT AM I DOING WRONG?” He asked as the calling sound stopped again.
“He hung up on you babe.” His boyfriend said, slinging up and around his neck like the world’s most supportive scarf.
“WHY?” He said loudly, squinting down at it. These little things were easier to use when he wasn’t in supersized form, but he was too nervous to get himself down to the usual size.
“Maybe he couldn’t come to the phone? It is his wedding day, he could be up to activitiessss .” Fizz sang with a cackle
“Goodness gracious, I never thought I’d want someone to ignore their lust, but HERE WE ARE. ” He said frustratedly.
“OZZIE!” Satan shouted, appearing beside him. “I CAN’T MAKE THE FUCKING PHONE WORK.”
“NEITHER CAN I!”
“UGGGGH WHAT THE FUUUUCK!!!” Satan groaned, smoke coming out of his nose.
A little hellborn appeared beside him, sitting on his forehead.
“Deep breaths.” The little one reminded him. “Think of your body just reeelllaxxxing like you’re turning into a puddle, fireball.”
Satan groaned, face planting onto Ozzie’s giant bed as Yogirt flitted around him, robes a bright white.
Asmodeous angrily stabbed a finger at the ‘call’ button again, his eyes all narrowing onto the phone intensely.
It hung up again.
“I’M GOING TO IMPLODE!” Ozzie shouted, and Fizz gave him a pat.
“Deeep breaths.” He repeated. Yogirt gave him an approving thumbs up.
Asmodeous looked down at him with a frown, though he felt himself calming.
“I feel patronized.”
“I SECOND THAT.” Satan called, his voice slightly muffled by the sheets.
“Aw, you’ll be okay.” Fizz and Yogirt soothed in unison.
A moment later Mammon spun into view with a small tinkling noise.
“IS THE WIFI BETTER HERE?” He asked, clearly also in a state of panic.
“NO!” The two other sins screamed.
“IF HE WON’T ANSWER HIS DAMN PHONE, I’M NOT COMING !” Mammon shouted, pacing angrily. “DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TIME I’VE SPENT DOING THIS AND NOT BRAND DEALS?!”
Levi appeared, wearing a white wedding dress.
Everyone in the room pointed at him.
“CHANGE.” They ordered in unison.
“God, okay!” Envy said, holding up his hands in surrender and disappearing again.
Bee flew in, brow furrowed.
“I was trying to text Lu about the catering-”
“He won’t ANSWER.” Satan groaned.
“We think he’s performing the marital act.” Fizz supplied, raising his eyebrows suggestively.
“Wait, what if they broke up?” Mammon said suddenly.
Everyone in the room’s faces filled with dread.
“IS HE GOING TO GHOST US AGAIN?” Bee asked, her eyes widening.
“HE’S NEVER IGNORED HIS PHONE.”
“I’M GOING TO KILL THAT RADIO PRICK.” Satan snarled angrily, sitting up and cracking his knuckles.
“NOT BEFORE ME.” Levi hissed, having reappeared in much more suitable clothing.
Every sin’s full demonic form was coming out now as protective anger and fear started taking a toll on their appearance.
“Have we considered doing group meditation?” Yogirt asked, a little nervously.
Everyone ignored him, instead choosing to have a collective panic attack.
Belphagor poked her head in the room, blinking sleepily.
“Hey, I’m going to go visit Lu.” She asked casually. “He won’t answer his phone. I’m pretty sure he forgot it somewhere.” She yawned. “You guys coming?”
The sins all stared at her, then each other, their forms slowly reverting back to normal.
“...Yeah.” Ozzie said with a nod.