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It was the first day of daycare for Harry. It was also the first day of being separated from his son for James. But it was not the first day of being separated from his wife, Lily. Well ex-wife now. For three years they had been happy. Then they got married, had Harry, and everything was perfect, right as it should be. At least that’s what James had thought. But one day, Lily had asked him to talk.
-I’m so sorry James -she said with a genuinely guilty expression- but it… I… I don’t know how to say that.
-You want a divorce?
-... yes.
It hadn’t taken him off guard. He was kind of expecting it, in a way. Things weren’t really like before. They both had changed, and they didn’t work anymore. As a couple at least. They decided to stay friends.
Custody was a tricky question. Obviously they both wanted to see Harry as much as possible, but Lily had a job that took most of her time. When they were married, James was a stay at home dad and Lily provided for the three of them. She loved her career and had worked really, really hard to get where she was. The problem was that now she didn’t have time for Harry, so James and her decided that he would have most of Harry's custody. When they told him that, the judge was really confused. Exes that are friends? And the mother willingly gives most of the custody to the dad? Weird. AND she's okay to pay an important amount of child support? Even weirder.
They agreed with Harry living with James and seeing Lily on the weekends.
The problem was, even with the child support James didn’t have enough to live alone with Harry. So he quickly had to find a job. Luckily for him, the nice little cosy neighbourhood coffee shop was hiring.
So there he was, leaving Harry at daycare for the first time. Of course he didn’t want to. He was on the verge of tears. Harry, on the other hand, was very calm and curiously looking around at the painting of rainbows and mushrooms on the walls.
-Harry Potter -James replied to the frontdesk lady when she asked the kid’s name.
-Potter, Potter, let’s see… Ha! Harry Potter, rainbow room.
-Thank you.
-My pleasure.
He opened the door to the rainbow room, with Harry in his arms. A young man, back turned and crouched down, was talking to a toddler. The toddler nodded to something the man had said and went away running, so the man stood up.
-Hello? -said James.
He turned around. He was shorter than James and he was the most beautiful person James had ever seen. He had the classical and perfect beauty of Greek statues, as if a very patient, dedicated artist had spent weeks or months carving his face and body out of marble. Or maybe he was made of porcelain. He had the pale color and beautiful fragility of it. His features were so delicate, yet expressed a strength James had never seen in anyone. His stormy grey eyes were full of so many things but strangely empty at the same time.
-Wow… Hum… I mean hi. -stuttered James.
-Hello. Is that the new kid?
-Y-yes. His name is Harry. -he said while giving him the kid. Suddenly the man’s face lit up when he addressed Harry.
-Hi Harry! How are you? My name is Regulus, but you can call me Reg. -he turned to James, and became serious again- We’ll take care of him, don't worry.
-Bye bye Harry, be nice to Regulus. -he leaned in to place a little kiss on top of Harry’s head, coming very close to Regulus in the process. He smelled like old books, cigarettes and that special smell that fills the air before a storm.
Dizzed by the scent, he went back to his car, and had to sit in the driver’s seat a few minutes before being able to concentrate on anything.
***
-Pandora, I swear he lives in my head. I don’t know what to do.
It had been a few weeks since Harry had started going to the daycare where Regulus worked, and everyday he had seen Harry, which wasn’t a problem in itself, the problem was Harry’s father, James Potter. He was infuriating, with his smile and his smalltalk and his perfect body and his glasses. Regulus hated him.
-Maybe you like him.
-Like him? What? No. Never. He’s too… He’s so… He’s just… Huuuuh.
Pandora patted his shoulder reassuringly.
-I’m sure you’ll admit it someday.
-I. do NOT. like him! -But she wasn’t listening anymore, her attention had been caught by a little curly haired girl. Her name was Hermione, she was one of Harry’s best friends. His own best friend having been stolen by a 2 year old, Regulus reluctantly went away to do his job, instead of taking relationship advice for a relationship he didn’t want to exist. Because he did not have feelings for James Potter. He couldn't have feelings for him. No. That was out of the question. It was bad enough that he had Pandora and his brother in his life, he didn’t want to hurt anyone else. If he didn’t push James away… If he allowed himself to have feelings for him… No, he needed to stay away. He tried everything that he could, being cold to him, even avoiding him sometimes. But James always addressed him with a warm voice and a kind smile, his face always lit up when he saw Regulus. And that was not good. James was kind and bubbly and joyful, and Regulus was dark and angsty and he corrupted everything he touched. And he wanted less than everything to corrupt James Potter. If he let himself have feelings for him, he would lose control. And they would both end up devastated and resentful towards the other, after having spent God knows how many years trying to make a doomed relationship work. Worst of all, he found out that week that James and Harry lived in his exact street . He didn't mean to know it, he saw them one night, they were getting in the building, he was going out for groceries, he didn't mean to stalk, it wasn't in a creepy way, but he needed to know. So he got close to the mail boxes and saw the number of James’ apartment.
-How many drinks have you had? -said his brother’s voice over the phone.
-Not that many… Just like… three… or four…
-Four glasses? Of wine?
-Of whiskey…
-Regulus, why?
-Oh, shhhhhut up, if you called me to judge me, then I don’t wanna talk to you!
And he hung up. Who did he think he was anyway, to judge him like that, when Regulus was only trying to have a drink in peace. It wasn’t usual for him to get drunk like that but he needed it. It was the only solution he found to get James Potter out of his head. Except, it only made his problem worse, because now he was thinking about James Potter in very inappropriate ways . He needed him. Physically . Now .
The spark of an idea came to his mind. If he hadn't drunk so much he might have immediately discarded it, but in his drunken state he thought it was an excellent idea. Next thing he knew, he was at James’ doorstep hammering the door. It quickly opened, revealing a rather confused and concerned James, his concern growing when he recognised Regulus.
-Regulus ? What are you doing here?
-I… needed to see… you.
-Did… Are you drunk?! -he realised, eyes widening.
-I missed you too much, all I could think about was you, and I tried to make you go away by drinking, but… -he opened his arms in helplessness.
-Regulus…
-Please don’t make me go away. Please. I don’t want to be without you, I don’t want to be alone.
-Reg.
-I can’t be alone, I’m gonna think about you and-
-Regulus.
-I don't want to, I so tired of-
-Regulus. -James stopped him, grabbing his hands.- It's okay, you can stay.
-Really?
-Yes, but I’m going to have to ask you to be quiet, Harry is sleeping.
-Oh yes, of course. -he stage-whispered
James led him to his living room, open on the kitchen, and made him sit down on the couch while Regulus kept rambling.
-Harry. Harry. That is such a cute name. Cute name for a cute baby. The cutest of babies. You’re a good dad James. -he patted James on the cheek and his hand stayed there against it- A good man. -his eyes fell on James’ collarbone, which was visible underneath the loose collar of his used shirt- a hot man. -he looked back up- James?
-Yes?
-Have sex with me.
-Excuse me?
-Have sex with me please . -he answered, his childhood habits kicking in.
James chukled.
-That wasn’t the problem, Regulus.
-What is it then?
-I can’t have sex with you. Not in your state.
-I’m perfectly fine!
-No. You’re drunk, and you probably don’t mean what you’re saying, and you’re going to hate yourself in the morning if we do it.
Regulus tugged at James’ shirt.
-Take it off -he ordered.
-No.
-Then I’ll take off mine.
And he did. James stared at him, wide eyed, looking up and down his torso, but quickly turned his head to the side.
-Regulus please , don’t do this. I can’t… I’m not…
Regulus slid his hands on James’ shirt. James reacted physically to the touch. He breathed hard and blushed, but he also yanked back.
-Stop. If you don’t stop now, I’m not going to control myself.
-Please don’t.
- Regulus .
James held him by the wrists to stop him from touching him more. They stayed like that, looking each other in the eye. Regulus really, really wanted to kiss him. His gaze fluttered between James’ hazel eyes and his full lips, admiring the glow of the coffee table lamp on his skin. He leaned in.
-Let me just… Just kiss you.
-Don’t look at me like that.
Regulus batted his eyelashes in response.
-I really want to kiss you James.
-Me too Regulus. -he said in a sight- I’ve liked you from the moment I laid eyes on you. -Regulus looked at him expectantly- But I can't. I can't… take advantage of you like this.
Regulus looked so sad and disappointed, and James really, really wanted to let him kiss him and touch him.
-You can… you can still hug me… if you want.
Regulus’ eyes widened. He looked incredibly sweet like that. Slowly, tentatively he laid down on James’ chest, while James let go of his wrists. He held onto the front of James’ shirt, and nestled his face in the curve of his neck, slowly inhaling his scent. He smelled like the sun, and flowers. He felt James’ arms wrapping around his bare back and squeeze him softly.
In the back of Regulus’ mind a little sober voice said: “what are you doing?! You’re being weak, he is going to hate you!” but Regulus decided to ignore it, and blame his behaviour on the many drinks he had.
James’ hand was stroking his back. It was very soothing, and soon, Regulus found himself closing his eyes, letting himself drift away, following the sound of James’ breathing.
***
Regulus woke up with a terrible headache. He kept his eyes closed and threw the sheets on top of his head to try and block the light. What did he do last night? Oh right, he drank. A lot. And then he thought about going to James’ house. But thankfully he had enough self control to not do that. Satisfied, he turned around in his bed, intending to have another hour or two of sleep. He frowned. His bed didn’t feel like his bed. The mattress was softer and the sheets were lighter. He opened his eyes, only to be blinded by the morning light pouring from the window. He blinked a few times, to adjust to the light, and observed his surroundings. Obviously he wasn’t in his room. Nor in his apartment. The bedroom he was in was simple, yet very nice. Everything had its place, even if a few things were scattered here and there, and there were a couple of posters on the walls.
Regulus froze with the realization. He was in James’ bedroom . Which meant that he had gone to his apartment. Drunk. He sat down to process, and as the sheets slipped down his chest, he saw with horror that he was shirtless. In James’ bed. Shit, shit, shit ,shit . Did he? Had they? Fuck . He quickly got up and panicked. He looked frantically for his shirt, but it was nowhere to be found. Instead, a deep red hoodie was neatly folded on the bed. Regulus picked it up, unfolded it, and observed it. It looked very soft. But wasn’t it weird to wear someone else’ clothes? Except if it was left here for Regulus to wear. But where was his shirt? He couldn’t show up half-naked, could he? Or maybe he could stay here and never show his face again.
Just as he was talking himself into hiding here forever, he heard a baby laugh. A burst of pure, unaltered joy, from someone who only knew nice things. Harry , Regulus thought. He couldn’t hide here, he needed to see Harry. In a few weeks the boy had become his life and joy, more even than the other kids.
Decided, he put on the hoodie, which smelled a lot like James, and opened the bedroom door.
James and Harry were in the kitchen, discussing something very important as it seemed.
-And that is how you make the perfect pancakes. It’s your grandma’s recipe. -Regulus heard James say.
-Gamma! -Harry replied.
-You’re right, we should visit her, it’s been a while. Next week sounds good?
-Yee!
Regulus entered the kitchen, hopefully going unnoticed, just to say hi to baby Harry, and then go back to his apartment. Not that he was running away, because he was not. It was a strategic retreat to limit awkward encounters. Yes it was definitely that. Just a very discreet little wave to Harry and he was on his wa-
Shitless. James was going around, making pancakes, in his kitchen, shirtless . Reguls stared at his muscular athletic back, mouth half open. How was it even humanly possible to be even hotter than James Potter already was?? James turned around.
-Oh! Good morning sleeping beauty!
Shit . He quickly looked at a very interesting stain on the counter.
-Hum. Hi. I didn’t mean to… intrude.
James beamed at him.
-You’re wearing my hoodie.
-Well yes. I couldn’t find my shirt so… I’ll wash it and give it back to you.
-Oh don’t worry, I left it there for you. Your shirt is in the washing machine. I thought you would like to wear a clean shirt, one that doesn’t smell of whiskey.
-... thanks.
After gathering his very little courage, Regulus said:
-About yesterday. I’m sorry, I normally never do that sort of thing. I… I was not myself. I think it’s better for us to pretend it never happened.
-Oh. Right.
-Yes. It’s best for Harry anyway. And I don’t want people to think that I got around… sleeping with the parents of the kids…
-What? -James’ cheeks got bright red in a second- oh no! No, We didn’t… I would never… You were drunk .
-Oh! -Regulus suddenly felt very embarrassed himself.
He looked very cute, James thought, in that oversized hoodie. In James’s oversized hoodie. He looked so small and the red spread on his cheeks and down his neck matched the color of the hoodie. It was nice to see him in something that wasn’t a black shirt. James felt the urge to grab him by the waist and kiss him.
-I slept on the couch, don’t worry. I didn’t touch you one bit. Well, except when I carried you to the bed. And when you fell asleep on my chest.
Regulus’ cheeks grew redder as his gaze darted at said chest.
-Breakfast? -asked James, apparently unaware of Regulus’ state- I make the best pancakes in the world, Right Harry?
-Amamama.
-Come on, sit down, I’ll make you coffee.
Regulus sat down at the table, and used the opportunity of James being turned around to study his broad shoulders and muscular back.
-Weggie? -said Harry, distracting Regulus from his intense staring.
-Harry, your dad is hot -whispered Regulus, leaning towards him.
Harry looked at him curiously, munching on his pancake. Regulus chuckled. This kid was way too adorable, one of the cutest kids he had ever met.
-Are the pancakes good?
In response, Harry held out his fist and offered him a rather crushed piece of pancake. Obviously, Regulus took it.
-Thank you very much.
-Already bonding with the little man, I see -James said, placing a plate of pancakes in front of Regulus.
He looked at it, and back at James, who encouraged him to eat with a little nod, so he took a bite. Those were the best pancakes Regulus had tasted in his entire life. They were soft, with a little hint of vanilla and orange. Regulus hummed in deliciousness.
-Glad to see you like them -James grinned.
He looked at Regulus right in the eyes and said:
-You can spend the day with us, if you want to.
Regulus froze, not at all expecting this. On one hand, YES, yes, absolutely, of course he wanted to spend the entire day with James Potter and adorable baby Harry. But on the other hand, it didn’t really go along with the staying away to protect James rule.
James was beaming, eyeing him hopefully, and Harry munched on more pancakes, expectantly. Regulus looked at Harry and decided to focus on him, and the idea of spending the day with him, not his father, because that was utterly terrifying .
-What do you say Harry? Should I spend the day with you?
-Yeee! Weggie! -he shaked his little pancake covered hands.
Regulus looked at James, took a deep breath and said:
-Okay, I’m going to spend the day with you.
As long as I keep my emotional shields up I’ll be fine , he thought.
-Brilliant -James said- let’s get the little man ready! We’re gonna have such a good day!